we interrupt this program...

... to bring you the most foolish conversation I've had with a man in a long time. I know I've been gushing about the new one lately (and so far that's still good. really good!), but last night I had the return of the Intellectual, the Jamaican guy I went on that awesome date with and then he disappeared. Well, he's sent Facebook/text messages in the interim, but last night he actually graced me with his presence on AIM and proceeded to ask me some weird/inappropriate questions. Reminder: I've never so much as kissed this man.

So it's around midnight and he IMs me. I'm a pretty nice person (sometimes) so I responded back, figuring he's just saying a friendly hello - although that is pretty weird given our previous history. We start talking about online dating and he mentions that he noticed I switched sites and that he's on the new site as well. Okay. Then he suggests that we read each other's profiles and give each other feedback. That's really odd to me, so I just sort of ignore it. Then he proceeds to ask me a series of questions. The first one is about relationships in the post-Sex and the City world. I answer his question and talk to him about dating for a while. I was bored and waiting for new guy to come back from taking a shower, so I had time to kill. Then he drops this in my lap:

"Has anyone ever spread a sexual rumor about you? If so, would it make any difference to you one way or another whether the rumor was positive or negative whether you got upset?" I thought it was strange, but I just answered it. Little did I know that it was a segue to this lovely question:

" As a woman, you've got breasts, right? You probably don't spend your time thinking, "Hey, I've got breast, and they're on the bigger side." Well, as a guy, you don't actively think about the comparative size of what you do and don't have either. So you can only really get a sense of things through other people's eyes, you know. Anyway, my question is, from your experience talking to your friends, is 10 inches really that big?"

REALLY?! Are you really asking me to comment on the size of your penis. Please note: I said that to him verbatim, well minus the REALLY in capital letters. He replied, "Forget it. It was a stupid question. I just think it's funny."

I just don't understand men. Is he trying to get me to fantasize about his ginormous dick? Or is he really that clueless that he doesn't recognize an inappropriate question in which he sounds like he's fishing for validation? Freshman Year Best Friend thinks he's just desperate and creepy and probably does this to women a lot, Jamz thinks he's sketch, and High School Best Friend thinks he's insecure and dumb. I agree on all counts.

Anyhow I think I will be blocking him so we don't have any more of those conversations. Yes, that sounds good. Just thought I'd share! Haha

excitement.

I am currently in a state of blissful sloth. Vacation is absolutely amazing =) I never want to go back to work. I'm loving spending days lounging around, catching up on reading, magazines, and television shows. It's womderful. I have no overwhelming desire to be social, but I do enjoy seeing old friends and going out to movies. And for the first time in a long time, I'm excited about a boy. I know it'll probably blow up in my face, but it's nice to be talking to someone and connecting. I'm also super nervous about our date (which will probably happen tomorrow). I don't know what to wear or how to look. I hope I'm as charming as I've been over text/e-mail/IM. Even if it doesn't work out to my liking, I'm just happy not to be thinking about the past or obsessing over a certain person. I'm just enjoying this new flirtation and letting life take me where it will. This is a very good thing for me. I need this. Even if it only lasts for a few days.

Okay, time to run errands like whoa - my hair is OOC and I could stand to get my eyebrows and nails taken care of as well.

really?!

Who has a 4 hour text conversation with someone? Really? Honestly? Haha - yes, this morning from like 9 am til 1 pm I chatted with the new guy via text. Unfortunately that can NEVER happen again because he doesn't have Verizon. Grrr. Whatevs. I am happy, though. It was nice =) It doesn't take much to make me happy, seriously.

Anyway, that's all. I'm just being happy.

eeek!

It's either pouring or it's completely dry with me. So I went from like 0 men to 3 potentials right now. I got a text this morning from Mr. Sex in the Car (I am so not creative), asking me when I'm coming back to the city. EEK! I don't know what to do. Do I want to see him? Do I not? Should I see him? Should I not? Do I want to use him for meaningless sex while I'm on my quest for a meaningful relationship? (Upon reading that sentence, I now realize that I am a horrible person and probably should have been born a man) So many things to decide. I mean, if my apartment is free (as in no roomies), I'm seriously tempted to give it another go, if only to christen my new bed, with the knowledge that I can be as loud as I want. Well, that, and I won't have to answer any questions (my roommates don't really know about me yet). Decisions, decisions. However, I am really enjoying talking to this other kid, who writes me witty and clever e-mails that are playful and sexy, but never overly sexual or creepy. It's the perfect balance - very admirable. Hmm, I don't know. We'll see. As a hedonist, I plan on trying to maximize pleasure as I navigate through this situation.

adventures in online dating.

So I continue my see-saw relationship with dating men online. On the one hand, it feels inorganic and confusing to me. It's this huge pre-screening process, no chemistry involved (well, not until you meet) and you never know if the men are sketch, or players, or married. On the other hand, though, it is nice to filter through people and I honestly believe that meeting a man online is no different than meeting a man at a bar. Either one could be batshit insane or worse. And on the bright side, it makes me feel like I'm taking action in finding a permanent mate. That and all of the crazy success stories I've heard. So I'm back online (using Match) and so far it's been okay.

Things are picking up now - I've been talking to one guy for a little bit and he just asked me out. I think I like him - he has a good sense of humor (thus far) and he likes to tease and I like that. Wondering if he has a black girl fetish, though. Haha - I always wonder that, which is odd, because most people think I have a white boy fetish. He's also closer to my age, which is good. I like older, but I don't really know if older is what I need in my life riht now. So I'll see if he's free early next week when I'm back in the city and we can get drinks and hopefully not have sex in the backseat of his car. Cuz, ya know, I think I'm giving that up for New Years. Then there's another guy I've been talking to, but we're not at the 'let's go out' stage yet. We shall see. We shall see.

Hopefully all of this will spark up a lot of dating in the coming year. I really do need to put myself out there more. I think it can only help.

Christmas 2008!

I am immersed in television this Christmas. We had a pretty nice holiday this year - now that people are getting older, we don't get up at 5 am to open presents anymore. I was able to sleep until 9 am, thankfully. I got a lot of really good things, even though it was a smaller Christmas than usual. The best part is being completely and totally lazy. I've watched Gilmore Girls, The Office, Arrested Development, and I plan on watching some Mad Men as well. I'm just laying in bed, snug as a bug in a rug =)

I'm also currently obsessed with relationships. Like, on-screen ones. I'm remembering the whole Luke-Lorelai-Christopher triangle in Gilmore Girls and I'm loving Pam and Jim's cute office flirtation. Maybe I can just live my life vicariously through television shows. That sounds like fun.

I'm trying to figure out when to go back to the city. I'm thinking Sunday. I figure tomorrow will be a big day - hanging out with the friends. That leaves all-day Saturday and most of Sunday to clean my room, go through the boxes I had shipped here from San Francisco, and help my mom put some shit up on ebay/Craigslist. Then I still get a whole week to myself in my Manhattan apartment. Lovely!

I'm looking forward to New Years Eve. I think it's going to be a ton of fun. =)

Merry Christmas!

christmas eve!

Today was nuts - ran around wayyy too much doing last minute shopping (the only kind I ever do!). Apologies if I freaked anyone out yesterday - just a weird mood. You all know that I'm practically borderline bipolar and the holidays make everyone wonky. I'm feeling better now and I'm ready for Christmas!

Went to church tonight for the first time in God knows how long. I always end up getting bored in church and thinking about things I shouldn't be, but I'm not gonna lie - it soothes me to be in church. I really do like it when I go.

I also just watched some Gilmore Girls eps and I'm like crying from them - haha. I love that show so much! It was just so good. Anywho, Merry Christmas to all!

have you ever thought that life is just too hard?

I'm in some strange mood right now, but I just feel like life is too difficult. It's all too difficult. This is what happens when I am left alone with my thoughts - I start to analyze things too much and I get all nervous and worried. So that's where I am now. Life is too difficult. It's next to impossible. I don't even know what I want to do. I should probably talk to College BFF, but obvs not tonight because it's late and also because I'd like to process this and not just cry to her on the phone. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. I just feel like everything is too difficult. Trying to have it all is too difficult - job, men, friends, apartment, clothing, life. Sigh, I don't even know. All I know is that this is rambly and I apologize for it. I'm also missing TG like crazy and wish I had him to talk to. I mean, I know I do have him to talk to - he's always made it clear that he will be there for me as a friend if and when I need it, but I just don't think I'm ready for that. Because while I'd love to open up to him about all my insecurities and everything, there's parts of me that know it's a bad idea. (1) because I don't want him to think that I want to hear about his relationship and (2) I hate admitting that I'm slightly unhappy or that I miss him or that I value his opinion. Yes, I'm a stubborn bitch and I know it, but I was born this way and I'm likely to die this way as well.

Oh well. All I can do is hold my breath and hope that it passes with time. Things should get better, I'm hoping.

love the holidays...

I think one of the best things about the holidays is being reunited with friends and family. While most of my close high school friends live in NYC or Long Island, I still rarely get to see them because of law school or med school or work or busy schedules. So I'm really happy that this holiday season I'll get to see everyone once again. Sometimes I forget why I came back to NYC and I feel guilty about not making it out in CA or whatever (not that that was ever really the plan, but still...). And then I see my friends and I remember why. Because as life-changing and wonderful an experience as SF was, practically all of my support system was living on the East Coast, including my family. And while I'm still not 100% sure that I'll live in New York forever as I once thought I would, I'm still really excited to be here right now.

I always forget how many people long to live in Manhattan in their 20s - to be young, free and single in one of the most captivating cities on Earth. Remembering it now makes me want to take advantage - to do as much as I can. My job is not crazy demanding and I still have my youth and I need to make the most out of my time here. Who knows what the next few years will bring? I could go to law school in California or DC or CT and so I need to make this time memorable.

I came home today - to my parents' house - and I'm loving being back. The whole family is here and it's chill and relaxing and nice. I'm looking forward to two solid weeks of planning for 2009, getting my shit together, and hanging out with friends and family. So exciting!

new years.

As a person who's main goal in life is to become fully self-actualized, New Years is always an exciting time for me. I just love it! Plain and simple. Everything feels fresh and new and you have a whole new year to make new mistakes, fix old ones, set goals, and plan your life. I live for that kind of thing. I've started formulating my lists and I'm not quite done yet, but I want to take a different approach this year to living. I want to set some pretty hefty goals for the year - big benchmarks that I'd like to hit - and then I'd like to break it down into quarterly goals that will all lead up to the bigger ones. I think this approach will be easier than my previous way of doing things. We all know how much I love lists =)

I'm feeling a little strange, knowing that I have two weeks of empty time on my hands and I don't want to waste it. I'd like to read as much as possible, go through the boxes that are currently residing in my parents' house, and start figuring out how to make shit happen for myself in the new year. I'm still not where I want to be and knowing that I'll be turning 25 in less than two years makes me really anxious to get started now.

in which i am horribly promiscuous...

So um yeah... this is the story of my life. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it seems like I always think I'm going to find happiness or the secret to a good life in some random guy's pants. Honestly, maybe if I just kept my legs closed for half a minute, I'd be able to function like a normal human being. Okay, that was wayyyy harsh, but it's true. I think this was the first - no wait, second - time that I've had a sexual experience that left me less than happy with myself.

Rundown in detail: We met up at this cute little French restaurant that he picked out. He was running late - 20 minutes late. Then he got there and it was cool - way less awkward than I thought. We talked about lots of things - our interests, our family histories. He's from Romania, like born there, came here around age 15. He has an accent and he's very Slavic. It was really nice - dinner was good, I got a steak - we shared our dishes with each other. He also ordered a whole bottle of wine for us to share. I liked how masculine he is - it's attractive. So yeah, I was pretty drunk by the time we'd both finished our meals. He paid - it was actually the best execution of paying for a girl that I've ever seen. He flagged the waiter over and asked for the check. When he saw the waiter coming with it, he pulled his wallet out and got out his credit card and handed it to the waiter before the guy could even put the check on the table. I didn't even have to offer! Then he asked if I wanted to go to a bar. I said yes, since it was still early. So we went in and he orders drinks. I feel guilty about our $100+ dinner, so I pay for the first round. Then, as soon as I was done, he flags the bartender and orders another round before I can even open my mouth. After that, I told him I couldn't drink anymore. 

So we're just sitting there talking when , all of a sudden, out of the blue, he kisses me. I was just like dumbfounded. I guess I hadn't expected the date to end like that. So I tell him I should leave cuz I have to get to work. Basically, I just didn't wanna make out in the middle of a bar. I may be trashy, but I'm not that trashy. Well, maybe I'm that trashy at a club, but at a bar - no. So we go outside and he starts kissing me again. He's basically got me pressed up against the outside wall of the bar and his hands are wandering, and he's got a full-on erection. I was like - umm, wow. So I decide that we need another venue change, so I ask him where he parked his car. We walk there and get in and he shockingly doesn't touch me, he just starts driving me back to my place. So we get there and he pulls over and starts kissing me, but we're like in the middle of the street. So I tell him to pull over, which he does, and we start parking and going at it high-school style in the front seat of his car.

His hands start wandering and pretty soon it's clear that we're going to be doing more than making out. We try and make the front seat work, but it's difficult - I'm on his lap, but it's all awkward, so he suggests moving to the back. I'm down with that and we get in the backseat and start aggressively hooking up. So much so that I lost one of my acrylic nails - it just got pulled clean off. My shoes are off and he's somehow gotten me out of my tights and underwear and he's on top of me. I ask him if he has condoms, which he does, and he puts one on and we start having sex. We end up stopping cuz it's really hard to do in the car and at that point I'm slightly mortified with what's going on, so I tell him that I need to get back to my apartment. He helps me collect my shoes, tights, underwear, and headband, and I go back to my apartment commando (I'm sorry, but it's a pain in the ass to put on tights in your ROOM, much less in a car). So yeah, that was that. He facebook friended me last night - how he found me, I have no idea. I didn't give him a last name or anything. Sigh.

I don't even know what to do. I just can't believe how trampy I can be sometimes. Jamz and Freshman Year Best Friend say it's okay (of course they would - they're men), but I'm just really feeling very odd about it. I mean, the date was really good before the hook-up. I liked talking to him - I think he's interesting and had an interesting life and he was very attentive and the masculine thing turns me on like whoa. But it's like - why couldn't I just have kept it at a kiss? Why the need to get so physical? It's pathological. I'm pathological. I seriously must have some serious issue - self-esteem or whatever. I just don't get it. I don't have Daddy issues - my father is amazing. But for some reason I end up doing these things for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I don't know. 

Now it's all complicated because I don't know if I should try and contact him or what. I mean, I had a good time and wouldn't mind seeing him again, but I just feel like I started off wrong foot forward. Blerg.

wednesday night is date night?

Haha - well, it is for me. I have a date tonight and I'm feeling all kinds of weird about it. The last date I had was absolutely amazing, wonderful, and gave me that awesome glowy feeling afterward. And then he totally disappeared, except for the random facebook/text messages I get from him. Lovely. So now I have a date with this new guy - I've yet to give him a name. He's 29, Eastern European by birth, but lived in the States for 13 years. He works and goes to school part-time and he used to DJ and likes the Yankees. Sounds okay so far.

We'll see. I'm afraid I'll act like an idiot or a slut. However, I'm leaning moreso toward acting like an idiot because I'm too ill to be slutty. I hate dating. HATE HATE HATE it. I just hope this goes well and that he's normal and that he likes me and that he's not all weird or freaky or clingy or aloof. Just nice and normal. Cuz I need nice and normal. I hope he thinks I'm pretty =\ or at least not ugly. I'm just ready to be done with all of this.

Note: I'm sorry if I sound like I'm going to throw myself off a cliff. I'm just not feeling well. I need this vacation like you wouldn't believe.

somehow i think it's all going to be all right...

Ever since I've graduated from college, life has been topsy-turvy. Many times I feel like things are never, ever going to be settled and that I'll always be fumbling and scrambling for order and happiness. I feel like two things happened in the past year that have changed me and forced me to look at myself in a different light. First, the whole blood clot thing. And second, entering and subsequently ending my first (semi) adult relationship. Both of those things have hardened me in ways I never thought I could be hardened, but have also taught me important lessons that I needed to learn.

Post-blood clot, I see changes in myself. I worry more about death, my body is weaker than it once was, I am forced to face the fact that I am not invincible and that there are certain things I cannot and should not do. I can't drink the way I used to, I can't party the way I used to, and I will be dependent on a series of meds, doctor visits, and bloodwork for a long time. And it's irked me greatly. I just feel like I've lost a bit of my shine. I used to be so much fun. Honestly. I would go out and I would have a good time and I was the life of the party and it was crazy. But, I'm not really like that anymore. Maybe part of it is growing up, but it seems to me like most of it is the illness and my fear and my body's rejection of stress and strain. I hate it. It makes me feel inadequate. Sometimes I think about what I do on a weekly basis and I cannot recognize the girl in the mirror. I mean, really, what happened to drinking everyone under the table, dancing everyone under the table, and shamelessly flirting whenever possible? I don't do those things anymore and it pisses me off, quite frankly.

Then, there's TG. He opened me up to possibilities that I didn't think existed. That I could be close to a man, that I could enjoy sharing a bed with a man, that cuddling was a good thing. All things I never believed in prior. However, there was also the bad - the mistrust, secrets, power struggles. Being with him was strange as well, because I stopped viewing myself as a free agent. I've been single all my life. Unlike girls who have string upon string of boyfriends, men were never really into me in that way. Probably a survival mechanism for them, but it just sort of taught me that I need to be comfortable with being alone. Which I was/am. Alone is my default setting. With him it was different - I was no longer free to do as I pleased. I stopped flirting with strange men, stopped accepting drinks, stopped looking for men when I was out. Most nights when I was out clubbing, I'd be more likely to be digging for my cell phone to text TG than to be out on the dance floor with some guy. And now, even with him out of the picture, I still haven't reverted back to my flirtatious, single-girl ways. I'm wary of approaching men, I'm shyer than I was pre-TG and I'm just flat-out scared. So I avoid men and instead retreat to the safety of my friends. I keep to my tight social circle and I don't branch out. I haven't picked a man up in God knows how long. Even my dating life has been dull. I think I've had two dates and one hookup since I moved back to NYC. It's pathetic. You might as well slap spinster on me now.

But then, there are times when I can feel the tide turning. When I become a bit of my old self. Like last night - our company holiday party. It was one of the first times I let loose in a long time. Just dancing for hours with one of my best friends - being as crazy as I wanted to be. Drinking what I wanted to drink. Just not giving a fuck. I love moments like that, when the old me slips out of her hiding place, even just for a little while. I mean, I haven't really solved the man problem yet, but I've got a date tomorrow and I'm trying. I'm really trying. Maybe good things will happen to me. Just maybe.

slooooow day.

Work is agonizingly slow today. I literally have next to nothing to do and tonight is the holiday party, so I want to peace out early to run some errands beforehand. I'm wearing a borrowed dress, so I need to find appropriate shoes and I need a toy for a tot and some wine for when Jama and I pre-game. SO MUCH TO DO. Hopefully other people leave early so I don't feel guilty. I also have to shower. GAH! I'm so far behind.

Anyhow, life is uninteresting right now. So that's all. Hopefully I'll have more to post about tomorrow.

strange weekend.

This weekend was so odd - I don't know why. It was good having College BFF here for a bit - she was there to keep me company for my party, since most of my friends couldn't attend. Today I cleaned up from the party and ran errands. Outside of that, I've been watching a lot of television and doing some reading. I'm looking forward to having two weeks off for the holidays. I just have to get through this week.

I'm looking forward to the New Year. Now that I'm not in school anymore, January really is beginning to feel like the start of a new year, a fresh beginning. It used to be that fall had that connotation for me, but now that I am in the "real world" it's different. I'm ready for the changes that I need to make in my life, although I'm so scared. Of what, I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm not going to be happy or that I'll always feel like something is off, but I'm hoping to shake that fear.

A whole bunch of stuff happened with TG recently, but oddly enough, I don't feel like talking about it or dwelling on it. I've had other things on my mind lately. To keep it short and sweet, he's just been contacting me a lot more and wanting to talk for hours and saying some borderline inappropriate things (one of which was in reference to my chest). It's really odd, but I don't really have much to say on the matter. I guess I don't really care. Hmm, how about that?

My goal today is to really get a good crack at my list and handle all of my business before tomorrow morning. I just have to get through 5 days and then it's home free for the next two weeks. =)

for once i don't feel like writing.

Work is super boring today. Boring like I could do everything I have to do today in the span of an hour and bounce at 2 pm. However, I've decided that I'm going to stay til 4 and then go home for some tea, relaxation, cleaning, and movie watching. I think College BFF is coming today, but I'm not sure. Maybe tomorrow. Who knows? I'll have to check in with her.

I'm still sick and feeling less than my best. I probably made it worse by being out in the rain last night, but I had a great time at the play. I haven't been in a black box theatre since I graduated from school and I enjoyed the play a lot and it was nice to see Charly.

So, the super-busy boy that I was supposed to see last week has resurfaced and he still wants to go out. I'm super excited and hopefully I'll be the perfect picture of health by then and we'll have a good time. This weekend promises to be full of activity and not relaxing at all, which is kinda sad, but also good for me. Tonight will be the only night I stay in. Tomorrow = cleaning, party shopping, cleaning, eyebrow threading with BFF. Then, we'll have our party at night. Sunday, I'm seeing a movie with Jama and showing him pivot tables. Then I have a phone date with a sorority sister and I'm making mac and cheese for a potluck in Brooklyn. I will so not be getting any rest this weekend. 

winding down.

Things at work are pretty slow right now, which is nice. Everyone's gearing up for the holiday and people are getting ready to take vacation. There's basically one week and one day before we have two weeks off and I couldn't be more excited. Today I've spent tooling around. Went to a meeting this morning for staffing. Then since a friend and I got kicked out of the big all hands (room was over capacity), we went and had an hour long lunch. It was so nice to catch up with her and bounce ideas off of her. Men have been stressing me out lately and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I mean, I love my friends (all of you! really!), but I have this thing going on that I'm keeping *very* secret. As in, I'm not blogging about it (don't wanna jinx it) and none of my close friends know. It'll probably blow over and be nothing, but I'm not comfortable talking about it until I know for sure. So right now I'm only telling a few people who aren't close to me because that makes it feel less serious to me.

Anyhow, I'm having a good day. And I'm excited about tonight! I get to see Charly and we're going to dinner and a play, which will be so nice! I haven't seen her/a show in forever and I actually know the person that wrote this play. So that's pretty cool. Then it's the weekend! I cannot wait. College BFF will be here and we're going to have an excellent time!

a relaxing evening.

Switching it up a bit and updating from home. For the past two days, I've gone into work around 9 am and left around 2 or 3 pm due to my sickness. Today looks to be pretty productive. I've managed to get started on some laundry and I made dinner again and I took a nap. I also read some more Twilight and some more of The Idiot. I'm feeling pretty good. I've stayed away from the internet, stayed away from talking to/thinking about TG (well... mostly - I guess I just thought about him now). Even had a nice chat with my roommate and watched several episodes of 30 Rock and Arrested Development. Plans for the rest of the night include catching up on TiVo, watching Annie Hall, cleaning my room and kitchen.

I'm having a breakthrough of sorts, mostly fueled by magazines and journaling. I want something more from my life. I have just realized that I'm not living out my full potential in any way and I've been settling on so many different fronts. Going after this job is step one on that path. Cleaning my room and making my home livable is step two. Step three would be finding a man that I think is worthy of me, who treats me well, and is clear in his intentions. That's going to be the hardest part.

I know I've said this before, but I think the time to put TG past has come. He's visiting NYC for a week in January, but I don't care. He's staying in NJ (I'm presuming with his girlfriend, who is a MA student and will be on vacation) and I don't care if I see him or if I don't. As College BFF asked, "What does he add to your life?" And the answer is "Nothing. Well, nothing but drama, and I don't need that." I can't hate him, thoughI'm still sort of jealous that he's in a relationship and that he's always in a relationship. While I, for some reason, am never in a relationship. However, I've always believed that God is looking out for me and I trust that He'll find someone for me, when the time is right. Which I'm guessing isn't now. If He could provide someone to take care of my sexual needs, that would be awesome, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers =) (omg, I'm going to hell). I'm in New York City, one of my favorite places on Earth, and I'm 23 years old, and I'm young and I'm smart and I don't look like a troll. I need to enjoy my life.

smattering of updates.

So much has been going on lately, so I have some random updates. Came home yesterday, picked up my mail, only to find a card from TG. It was a Christmas card with a picture of two cats getting into Christmas mischief (boy knows I love cats) and he wrote a short message inside. I'm not going to lie. It was sweet. It made me think of all the little sweet things he would do for me, which is SO not helping me out right now. He always sent me cute links and pictures (even sending me a picture a day the whole time he was in Europe) and noticed when I wore new shoes or changed my hair or my purse. Le sigh. If I ever date again, I hope the new person does shit like that. I really liked it. It made me feel wanted. But anyhow, I'm not dwelling. I'm not dwelling.

Met with one of my old teammates yesterday about the job transfer and it went well. The rotation program still hasn't figured out it's shit, so I don't know if I can 'opt out,' but my colleague was super excited that I was interested. She was like jumping for joy. Obvs she can't promise me anything, but considering that 75% of the committee has worked with me, that's a good sign. Also, she would be my direct manager. But, again - I'm not getting my hopes up, I'm just going to apply and see where the chips fall. My old boss also encouraged me to apply, which was nice.

I'm so nervous about our party this weekend. I hate sending out facebook invites because no one replies to them and then it looks like negative 21 people are going to your party. HAHA. So I'm freaking out a bit because most of my besties can't come, but I've already heard some accepts from people over IM/e-mail. Grrrr. We'll see. I'm nervies! At least College BFF is coming up for it. The two of us could have a party by ourselves - loves it!

So yeah, that's life thus far.

first week's progress.

So, as you all know I decided to try and see if I could make some small improvements to my life for the month of December. Since I don't have much to say today, I figured I might as well check in on how that's going.

Socially, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Last week I had a night out with my roommates, then on Friday I did happy hour with the work chicas, followed by barhopping with my little sister. Then, on Saturday, I went to Alison's birthday party.

Appearance-wise, I got my hair, nails, and brows done. So I don't look like a hot mess. I bought a dress for my holiday party, a dress for New Years, and a new going out outfit.

Where I've failed miserably would be fitness/eating healthy and keeping my room clean. My room still looks like shit and I need to clean out the fridge in the kitchen and buy toilet paper. Ughhhh. Also, laundry *must* be done today or I'm going to be wearing bathing suit bottoms for underwear tomorrow. Lastly, I need to stop eating pizza, start cooking real dinner, and drag my ass to the gym. If I can make those small improvements this week, that would be fabulous. But, I guess I'm doing well on the whole.

this is just getting to the point where it's laughable.

So I know I shouldn't even post this, especially because I'm all about moving on with my life right now, etc etc, but honestly TG will just not go away. However, instead of pissing me off and making me sad, it's just making me laugh. I'm almost like - how long can this ridiculous drama play itself out? I'm really curious. So he messages me the other day and he's like:

"I just wrote my boss an e-mail asking to come out to the new york office for a week saying I would provide my own accommodations if they covered my flight"

Umm, does that mean you want to stay with me when you're out here in NYC? Because if I recall correctly, your little girlfriend wasn't comfortable with me staying at your place when I was in SF. AND she wasn't even your girlfriend at the time. So please tell me what's changed? Cuz I'm curious.... Of course I didn't say any of this. I just said "oh that's nice" or something to that effect. If this guy wants to stay with me, he's going to have to man up and ask me because I'm not offering. And when/if he does ask, I'm totally going to go off on him and ask him exactly those questions mentioned earlier. Because that shit is bananas. So I'll keep you posted on the follow-up with that.

Then, I get an IM from him on AIM (where I've deleted his SN and we never talk there anymore)

him: you should see how clean my room is :-P

Which led to a 20 minute chat. Sigh. Life is comical sometimes. We'll see how things go. I also may have another date this week. But, we'll see. I'm kinda busy already, so I don't know when I'd squeeze this guy in. More details later!

follow up on the job drama.

So I talked to my manager yesterday and told him that I was interested in this new position and he responded very favorably. Thank God! I think I'm too meek in so many aspects of my life. I mean, I meet with him every week, but I would never say I was unhappy or anything because what's the point? I don't intend to do this forever, so it makes no sense to bitch and moan about something that can't be helped. 

I think the biggest problem with my job at present moment is that I'm a part of a rotational program. We are placed in 9-month rotations through HR. We have some choice in these rotations, but we're also governed by the program. So the job mobility that other folks in the organization have isn't always open to us because we have the added step of having to go through the program. I hate to say this, but the current economic crisis is actually working in my favor. Since the organization is shifting, they'll probably be focusing more on business need. A year ago, if I had asked to move out of my role, I would've been met with a resounding NO. The program would've said no - I signed the letter saying I was in the program and I had to stay in it. Now, however, they need more people in these other positions, and so they're more flexible about letting us out. Which is good for my situation.

I spoke to the program advisor yesterday and she seems in favor. I just have to send her an e-mail detailing exactly what I want to do and why. She'll talk to the director to see if I can apply for the job. Apparently, I'm not the only rotational associate who wants out. Then I can send my resume on for the other two positions and see if they want me. All of this could be moot. My old team may not want me back, yada yada, but I still have to try. So we'll see how it goes!

Oh, Happy Repeal Day! 75 years ago, Prohibition was repealed! Let the party begin! =)

the job.

So, as most of you know, I'm currently working in a job that's very difficult for me. I mean, the job itself isn't hard - exactly the opposite - it's super easy, totally administrative, with little to no visibility. Yesterday I got an e-mail from my old manager, announcing a bunch of new positions that are opening up. And on that list is my dream job - coordinating the performance review process. I worked very heavily on that in California, but this job would be working on it full time. The job is also in California. However, also on that list was another job, similar to it, in the NYC office. Either way, I want one of those jobs. So now I'm panicking. I have a week to submit my resume. They're due next Wednesday. I meet the requirements and everything, but there's some major things I have to do/problems that could arise.

1. Would I move back to California? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I mean, I want the job and I'm unsure about law school happening next year depending on the economy. I'm applying for sure, but deferring is definitely not off of the table. I would prefer the NYC job because it would be less upheaval, but I'm wayyy more qualified for the CA one. 

2. I have a lot of people I need to speak with. I need to meet with my manager, I should talk to some of my old teammates, I may have to speak to the program. I have a LOT of work to do in a short period of time. I also wonder if I was offered the position that I want (the CA one), if I couldn't work it out so I could do it remotely. I mean, I have the experience - I've helped run the process for 2 cycles and I'm more than willing to spend large chunks of time in CA - as long as I don't have to actually live there.

3. Will the program let me take the job? I'm part of a rotation program that doesn't seem to want anyone to opt out of it. The program could block my movement.

4. How will this look to my team? It's no secret that I'm not socially engaged with my team, but I'm so nervous about talking to my manager. He's a sweetheart, but it feels so odd to me to be like - I feel unfulfilled and I want out. But I have to do it. This is for me.

CRAZINESS.

the doctor said i got blood clots but i ain't jamaican, man

I have an OB/GYN appointment today. Those things are always awful. Getting naked for a doctor to inspect your ladyparts - grrr. I'm always conflicted about it - like, should I shave beforehand? Does it really matter? Then they try and make idle chatter with you while they're feeling you up. Although they always tell me I have nice breast tissue. HAHA. They say it's easy to tell for lumps cuz it's so smooth - omglol, I am too much.

Unfortunately, I just got my period, so I don't even know if I can see the doctor. But, I need to talk to her anyway. Ever since I had the blood clot, I've been off birth control and I need to know my options. I've always hated hormonal birth control, but now I have to deal with the consequences of not being able to take it, which sucks. I think the IUD is going to be the best option, but we'll see if there are other pills that I can take. I just don't want to have to worry about this. Not that I'm liable to have sex anytime soon. I think the sex gods hate me. Honestly. It really sucks. I told College BFF I was going to hire a prostitute soon if things don't start looking up. Okay, this is drifting in an odd direction. Point is: I just need to figure out how to go through life as a (selectively) promiscuous girl who can't use the pill, the patch, or the shot. 

I'll report back!

traditions.

This is my second Christmas away from "home" - and by that I mean, I'm no longer living at my parents' home for the holidays. I'll go back for Christmas Day (and probably a little before then), but for the most part I'm out of the house and it's time to start my own holiday traditions. Given my mother's penchant for buying shit she doesn't need, she happened to possess three trees this year. I convinced her to give me one, instead of her putting up three trees for a home containing four people. That's a little absurd.

Last night, I set about setting up my tree. I decorated it myself - the color scheme is green, gold, red, and silver. I put up about 150 ornaments on an 8 foot tree, all the while humming Christmas songs and drinking my new favorite Christmas drink - 1 shot vodka, 1 shot creme de menthe, topped off with cream. Deelish!

The whole time I kept thinking about traditions and family and home. Right now I feel like I have no proper home. I mean, I love my apartment and my roommates and things are going well, but it's not quite "home" yet. Then there's my parents' house, which isn't quite "home" anymore, either. I'm a single, unattached black female, and sometimes I feel like I'm homeless. Decorating and starting my own tradition, with my own tree and decorations really made me want a family. I know I'm nowhere near being ready to settle down - there's still so much to do, a law degree to obtain, a future to plan - but, I still feel compelled and drawn towards that option. I want nothing more than to start a family, with lots of little children, whom I can share my traditions with. I guess I just want something that's my own. I share my apartment, I share my bathroom, and I live 37.5 miles away from the house I grew up in.

I've decided it's time to create a home for myself - it may not be a home with a husband, children, and a cat - but I should have something that's uniquely mine. I have to carve a place for myself - it's definitely important to me. I guess I just need to create my own traditions.

future? what future?

Considering that I'm kind of unhappy workwise right now (between getting strong-armed into volunteering for something AND getting bitched out via e-mail today by an engineer), it's given me plenty of incentive to think about what I want to do with my life. Oddly enough, I'm still unsure. I mean, I know I want a law degree, but I don't know if I want to be a lawyer. Well, I guess I've never really wanted to be a lawyer, but rather an agent with a degree. I really just want to work with actors in a non-creative capacity and make tons of money doing it. But, then I also think of other goals I have in my life. I've wanted to live overseas for a long time. I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do that. Right now it seems unlikely, but who knows where it'll take me. I also really like event planning and project management. Running an inn has always appealed to me, but I think that would be something I'd do later in life. I also have this creative gene in me - the writer bursting to get out - that I'd like to nurture and indulge, but it seems like I never make time for it. Sigh. 

I just feel directionless right now. The economy scares me, my parents are scaring me, and I just don't know what to do. I guess all I can do is just keep on, mail in my applications, see what happens, and go from there. I hate feeling powerless.

back in the city.

Arrived safely back to my NYC apartment tonight. I'm really excited - things are looking up. This is my week of being social. I've been locking myself away for far too long. Time to be productive and move on with my life. I focus too much on other people - it's time to focus on me. Doing what makes me happy and reconnecting with those people who care about me and who are good to me. In that vein, I have three NYers I have to contact this week. I'll get on that tomorrow. Then I also have to figure out what I'm wearing/doing for my date on Thursday. I'm kind of nervous. I've been on three dates (well, two and a sketchy hookup, I guess) since I've been in NYC and none of them have yielded a second date. So hopefully this'll go a lot better than my other ones. I just have to be sparkling and witty and pretty. Shouldn't be too hard, right? =\

I'm trying to psych myself up. Let's see how that goes.

In other news, I have my Tivo back! So maybe now I can catch up on my television shows again! More Gilmore Girls! Anywho, it's time for me to go back to tackling this list. Work early tomorrow.

sometimes i freak out...

... and then I calm down. It seems like that's the mode for today. I just saw Twilight with Slind and it was entertaining. I'm glad we went. I miss going to the movies. I desperately need to find a new movie buddy, I think it would be good for me. I got asked out on a date for this week. I think Tuesday would be a good day to go out. I'm debating if I want to do dinner or just drinks. Dinner could be rough because it's a full meal and I don't know if we can sustain conversation/interest for that long. Drinks, while more fun, are also more dangerous. Given my current state, who knows what I'll do or say after I've knocked back a few of them. Although, that may not necessarily be a bad thing. I think I'm entitled to be silly every once in a while. And by silly, I mean promiscuous =)

I'm unhappy about work right now, which is making my life a nightmare. I just need to steel myself through these next 3 weeks. It's literally 15 days and then I get a super-long break to do whatever I want to do. I'm really excited about it. Just gotta make it through.

blast(s) from the past.

I don't understand mass holiday text messages. Honestly. I mean, they're nice to get - I suppose - but if you're just sending it to everyone it kind of loses its meaning. I guess I'm only bitching about this because I got a stupid message from TG as well as one from the Intellectual (the Jamaican who disappeared, yet still sends me weird things on facebook and whenever I try to initiate a convo he vanishes again). I just don't want anyone I've ever dated to send me a Happy Thanksgiving/Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah/Happy Kwanzaa message. Just don't send it. Or if you're going to send a fucking message - PLEASE check and see who you're sending it to. Because some of us don't want to hear it.

Ugh - I just did a totally passive aggressive thing and I'm unsure how I feel about it. I have a tumblr -under my real name - that I'm aware that TG reads. Last week I posted something on my twitter about my friend getting her heart trampled on by an asshole. It read as follows: "i really hate watching men break my friends' hearts. it's just disgusting and makes me so cynical and jaded. i don't even know what to say." It was just a message - not directed towards anyone - and of course TG responds to it saying that women can break hearts as well and it's not only men. I wanted to HIT HIM. Do you seriously need to respond like that? Especially given our situation. Just read the fucking tweet, keep your mouth shut, and move along with your day. I didn't mention him, it wasn't directed towards him, nothing indicated that I wanted his goddamn opinion.

So just now I wrote this entry on my tumblr, getting into the situation a bit more and talking about how I've been hurt in the past. I not only mentioned that every man I've been with has hurt me, I also mentioned that I only know one man who hasn't and of course, this person is someone he knows. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I'm trying to be a bitch. Haha. I just wanted to get out my anger and frustration. I mean - I could pull it from the site, but I know he subscribes to my feed, and I can't erase it from his feed, so it's up there. I just wish I didn't feel the desire to hurt him. I sometimes wonder if I'm not psychologically deranged when it comes to men. I mean, maybe I'm just bummed because he's in a loving relationship and I'm not. It could just be jealousy, but in my defense - I was provoked.

Sigh. Anyways. That's that. On with the day.

the dating game.

So I've been pretty mum on my love life recently. No reason in particular - I just really haven't felt much like talking about it. I'm slowly getting over the TG thing. I was in a really good place the other day. I read something in his twitter about his girlfriend and I didn't feel that normal stomach dropping feeling and I didn't want to throw up or consume massive amounts of alcohol. Amazing! Haha. Today I was a little weird - he just started his new job yesterday and a part of me wanted to say something, but I refrained. Then I thought about whether or not he was spending the holidays with the girlfriend, which did make me have that stomach-dropping feeling. Jesus, I'm so weird.

ANYHOW. I've thrown myself back into the dating pool. Actually I did it about 2 weeks ago, I think. Doing the online dating thing again, even though I have my doubts. I guess it's going fine so far. I'm talking to some people - all European guys. Haha - it's so weird. I always wonder why certain men are interested in me. So far, it's been lots of white Euro guys - like from overseas. There's the Frenchmen and then the Eastern European guy. They're both cute. We'll see. I kinda wonder what kind of man is interested in me. There are also the super-shady guys who are all "your picture is really sexy" - I ignore those. If I wanted to be salivated over like a piece of meat, I'd get tarted up and go to a bar. Sigh. It never really ends, does it? I have another interest - a real life one, but I refuse to talk about him, which means that it's serious. I always hide my crushes in their early stages, not telling a soul. So I'm keeping that shit to myself for now. For a while it was back burner, but I think it's about to become front burner again. 

I'm just ready for the neverending saga of dating to be over.

parents.

I'm far too tired to post for real right now, but I just got off the phone with my parents and it was excruciating. I hate when I have nothing to say to them - it makes the conversation really fucking awkward. Plus, my mom is FREAKING out and is all "don't quit your job!" "go to law school part time" - yeah, um, that's definitely not happening. Especially considering I could get fired from my job before I even have the chance to leave. I hate thinking about the future cuz it's such a crapshoot. I mean, it may be better to go back to school now that things are in the toilet or it may be better to wait - I have no idea, really. However, I know I'm not going back to school part-time. Especially considering none of the schools that I want to go to even offer that as an option.

Sometimes I envy people who have less controlling parents. Wait, scratch that - less controlling mothers. I just hate even talking to her about anything that really matters. While I'm able to keep her out of my love life, keeping her out of my work life is not an option. So I'll do what I always do. I'll lie like a rug and do what I want and deal with the consequences later. I hate having a secret life, but it's how I've always been. I just wonder when I'll finally be able to stop living live in double.

phenomenal weekend.

This weekend was amazing, despite the fact that it is cold as fuck outside. My event at work went really well on Friday and the most important thing is - it's over! Thank God! I can move on now and start focusing on Thanksgiving, which I'm really excited for. Friday night was fun - went out to Tortilla Flats with the girls from work. We had margaritas and gossiped for a bit. Then I headed home and passed out at like 9 pm. Haha - it was awesome. I really needed the sleep.

Spent Saturday hanging out with one of my favorite sorority sisters who's still in school. She came to NYC to visit and we hung out, went to dinner with another one of her friends, and then hunkered down at a bar in the East Village to escape the cold. I drank far too much, but didn't really get drunk shockingly enough. Told inappropriate stories, laughed a bunch, and had a really nice time. I miss people sometimes. It's nice that now that I'm here on the East Coast I really do get to see people more often. Today was spent doing a lot of reading (omg I'm in love with the Sookie Stackhouse novels), as well as a quick nap and some lounging around. Then I spent the evening with Jama, eating takeout at his apartment and playing taboo. It was nice - I hadn't seen him in forever.

So yeah, that was my weekend. Good times =)

Additionally, I think I may have a date soon! Yay! He's European! Haha

okay, this is totally in the realm of TMI, but i don't care...

I don't even know why I'm thinking about this - because I'm not having any sex whatsoever - but lately I've been thinking about getting waxed. I figure it's probably something I should try now while no one has to see my hooha. That way, if I have a bad reaction or something, I can keep my legs closed for a while until it heals. Although, knowing me, I'll do it, have something bad happen, and then a boy will fall into my bed. That's the luck I have. Whenever I'm not groomed to my liking or I'm wearing underwear that says ' I heart Pink Cupcakes ' I end up getting laid. Go figure.

However, I have a ridiculously low tolerance for hair-removal related pain. Getting my eyebrows threaded nearly brings me to tears AND I have sensitive skin to boot. My biggest fear is that I'm going to have one of those moments where I freak out and run out of the place after they pull the first strip. I mean, I don't want a Brazilian or anything - there is NO need to look like an 11 year old girl - well, at least that's my opinion on the matter. I still don't think I'll be able to sit through it. Maybe I should get shitfaced and do it. Then I can blog about the experience. Haha. I don't know - we'll see.

Yes, this is what I'm thinking about right now. Can you tell that work is making me go bananas?

blah! nothing to talk about.

I really have little to nothing to say today. Yet, I feel pressured to write something anyway. I've been thinking about this life improvement thing a lot lately. I've decided that it's probably best if I set some small goals for myself in order to get to the larger goal of being happy, healthy, and successful. I was pretty much taught that you can have anything you want if you work hard enough for it, so I'm going to try and be manageable and action oriented. *snickers* Sorry I was just thinking about how in my high school psychology class I was voted "Most Likely to Be Self-Actualized" - too frickin' funny.

Some simple short-term goals:

1. Exercise more. Note how I didn't say 'go to the gym' more. I just want to start exercising. Continuing to walk. Taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Ab exercises in the apartment. I would love to start gymming it daily, but seriously, any exercise I can get would be good.

2. See 1-2 movies weekly. I love the movies, I love the entertainment industry. Yet, I haven't seen a movie in like 2 months. That is disturbing. This will also help me get out more.

3. Do something social with a friend (or friends) at least 2x every week. This means one event during the week and one event on the weekends.

4. Get involved with theatre. That means watching it, supporting your friends here who put on shows/plays, and also finding a way to volunteer in some theatre related capacity.

5. Get serious about your writing. Maintain my diary by writing in it daily. Write in this blog more. Work on my new blog venture. Edit my screenplay.

6. Apply to law school!

Mkay, that's all. Sorry for the boredom. Maybe something insane will happen to me on the way home and tomorrow's post will be entertaining =)

phoenix rising.

I've always thought of myself as a fairly resilient person. I've gone through lots of change in my life and I really do think it's only made me better. I'm nowhere near perfect, but let me tell you, I'm much improved. I have the uncanny knack of always landing on my feet. The times when I've wiped out have been few and far between. I tend to go to these really dark places sometimes, where I get sad, lonely, and depressed, but then all of a sudden I pick myself up and I make the change that needs to be made. I did it in 8th grade when I knew the friends I was hanging out with were no good. I did it my sophomore year of college, when my depressive sleeping habits were pretty much taking over my life. So I thought about what I wanted and I made it happen. I started going out more - I joined a sorority, threw myself into theatre, put myself out there. It was a beautiful thing.

That's what I need to do now. I have to decide that I'm sick of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. It's not constructive, it's not fun, and it really isn't doing anybody any good. I haven't really formulated my game plan yet, but I know that the time is coming for some serious change. New York has been good for me - it definitely has. Anyone who knew me in San Francisco knows that - TG has said it, my old roommates have said it, my new roommate says it. However, something is still missing. The thing about California was that I had to put myself out there. I barely knew anyone when I moved there and I was starting a new job and I was so out of place. But I had to do it. I had to make friends, find ways to meet people, and so I just did it. That kind of effort wasn't necessary when I moved here since I had a built in network. My best friends in life live here, so it's easy to become lazy and rely on other people as a crutch. I cannot do that. I told myself when I graduated college that I was not going to do that. So I've decided that it's now or never. It's time for me to step my game up, get out and do the things that I've always wanted to do. To maintain my friendships, but also to create new ones and explore hobbies I'm interested in. I've been so damn boring lately - practically anti-social - and it has to stop. I have way too many outlets to live my life like a hermit.

Onward and upward.

hanging out with TG.

I have so much updating to do, but I thought I'd start with the most interesting piece - or at least the one I'm most eager to write up, resolve, and file away. So before I left for Vegas, TG gChatted me, telling me to have a good time, etc etc. We talked for a while and his job situation was still uncertain - there was the chance he'd be doing something in New York, but he didn't know - yada yada. All of that had me pretty mixed up. So when I got to San Francisco after the Vegas trip and he sent me a message wanting to see me, I just felt like I had to. I solicited the advice of several friends, many of you readers of this blog, and you all had different things to say. I ended up just deciding to meet him because I knew I would regret it if I didn't. I felt like it was most likely to be the last time we were going to see each other for a while. Maybe forever. Who knows?

I'm actually shockingly glad I did it. I have this habit, as most introspective daydreamers do, of living inside my own head far too often. I glamorize and romanticize things all the time. Especially when things are far away - I tend to get nostalgic and forget about the passage of time or even the fact that there were bad memories as well as good. So seeing TG was a good way to stop doing that. We met up near his apartment and decided to grab dinner since I hadn't eaten. He told me that I looked good and I said "you too" because that's what one says. "Did you even look at me?" he responded. So I did. He was definitely disheveled and not exactly looking at his best. He said he was stressed about the job thing and life and whatnot. He described himself as "broker and fatter." It was kind of sad, actually. We went to dinner - we each paid for our own meal - and talked about things. It was nice to catch up. I didn't feel that insane physical pull towards him that I normally do. That's a problem of mine - if I'm intimate with someone even once, I feel this weird pull towards their body. I'm not touchy-feely in any way, but after I've had sex with someone, I feel this ownership and comfort with their body that makes me very playful. Luckily that didn't happen in this case.

After dinner, he suggested a change of venue so we went to get coffee (he paid). We sat down and just shot the shit and had a really nice convo about all different sorts of things. We're still comfortable with each other and conversation flows with ease, but it wasn't like last time when we both seemed to want to just get it on. He never once mentioned his girlfriend (a courtesy to me, which I appreciated) and it was never inappropriate, at least not in my mind. He kept telling me that I look really great and that NYC seems to agree with me. It's nice to hear that. I miss that - a man telling me I look good. He was always so good about that.

But basically, it's over. I mean, I'm not 100% there yet - especially because my own love life has dried up like a prune. But I don't really want him. I know that he isn't for me and that we're not meant to be together and that it was nice, but it wasn't great. The whole mood of our meeting was just so different. There was a palpable change. I don't think I would've grasped that had I not seen him in person. I needed that sense of closure. So we talk now - every so often. Always initiated by him, but always casual. I think I can deal with it. I think my jealousy is fading, which is good.

Sometimes you have to stare the beast in its face in order to realize that it's not really as bad (or as good) as you thought it was.

holy shit, i've gone a long time without an entry.

Sorry about that - all that travel was crazy. So I promise to update on everything that went down in my boring little life. Headed to Vegas - had a wonderful time, although I didn't have sex with anyone (probs for the best) and was a little skeeved out by the scene. But I looked hot, so whatevs - haha. Went to San Francisco for a whirlwind visit. Good to see everyone, including TG (yeah, I know, Shru... I just couldn't help myself). I will definitely dedicate a whole entry to that. Then I went to DC where I remembered how much I love my best friend and how awesome she is and how awesome my sorority chicks are. I also got to hang out with people from my alma mater, which is always a good time.

Right now I'm tired. And *terrified* of work, because I have soooo much shit that I haven't done yet. It's truly frightening. I'm probably going to get fired. No lie. Okay, time to do some work, some laundry, eat dinner, and watch the final episode of Season 2 of Mad Men. EEEEK! So sad to remove Jon Hamm/Don Draper from my life.

update on TG.

So I'm here in San Francisco and MB is still sleeping, so why not update on the TG situation. Basically he's been in my thoughts so much because he texted me about things going well with his job search (finally). He has an offer, but he's waiting for another one. The other offer is for a NYC-based company. It seems that he won't know about the offer until Mon/Tues, but I think it's going to happen. He's unsure exactly where the job will be, though. His preference is SF, but there's a chance he could be working in NYC and even if he does get the SF job, he will be in NYC for training and may end up working out of that office for long stretches of time. Hence my fear.

I guess I just have problems letting go and I'm not really sure what to do about it. We had a long chat on Friday (he initiated it). He thanked me for being so supportive of him after he got fired, which I appreciate, but also didn't really want to hear. I mean, he has a girlfriend - he should go thank her and leave me alone. It's not my job to take care of him or support him anymore, he has someone for that. I don't run to him with my problems. Sigh - I guess I'm just bitter, but whatever.

Him being in NYC is odd. I mean, do I want to date him again? I don't know. I miss him tremendously, but he also hurt me pretty badly. We're definitely the quintessential odd couple and our relationship was full of issues and problems. I think a lot of it stemmed from him being the first guy I slept with that I cared about and also his issues with losing his job and feeling emasculated by that, etc etc. I just don't know. The thing is - I wanted it one way or the other. I either wanted him to find work in SF - so I could cut him off completely. Or I wanted him in NYC so I could figure out my feelings and move on from there. However, this mish-mosh, 'he may be in both places frequently' thing is not good for my emotional stability. Sigh, I just don't know.

I'm hoping when I get to Vegas, all thoughts of him melt away and there are plenty of attractive men there to distract me. Let's hope.

VEGAS, BABY!!!!!

AHHH leaving tonight at 6:55 pm to meet MB in San Francisco. Then we'll go on to Vegas on Saturday afternoon. I'm so excited. This trip is going to be like a resurrection for me. A chance to relax and forget about stupid shit like TG or work or being unhappy with things. I cannot wait. Then I get to spend some time in SF seeing people, catching up, hanging out. Then off to DC to kick it with the girls. I cannot wait. I know this weekend is going to drain every ounce of strength out of me, but it's going to be fun.

And I have a new camera so I can take lots of scandalous pics. I can't wait to go crazy!

Posting will obviously be pretty erratic. But I'll give you the full update when I get back in a week!

inside the facade.

Okay, I don't even know why I'm writing an entry about this. Probably because College BFF is going to poke my eyes out if I bitch and moan to her anymore. So I have to put it in the blog.

I am totally not over TG. It's been since August - that's like 3 months - and I'm still not over him. Lately I cannot stop thinking about him and it makes me angry and sad. He's been contacting me sporadically - keeping me updated on his job hunt (including a job that may be on the East Coast, near NYC). He sent me a message last night about getting an offer but he didn't say where or with who. All of it is driving me stir-crazy. I can't focus on anything and I keep thinking about him. Keep reminiscing about being with him, about sex with him, things he's said to me, places we've gone, things we've done. Little inside jokes we have and the things he would always say and do for me. I can't stop thinking about it. And whenever I hear about his girlfriend, I get irrationally angry. Like reading about her cooking him dinner (maybe I should really remove him from my twitter). I just felt so sad and upset about all of it. Probably because I'm alone and no one will date me because I'm *insert horrible adjectives here* God, it's depressing. None of the men I've been interested in during the past couple of months has turned out to be anything of substance. I currently have a new crush, but I won't talk about it because I'm afraid of jinxing it/I think it's hopeless anyway.

And so last night, I spent the night drinking vodka, reading Dostoevsky, and feeling sorry for myself - thinking horrible thoughts and reliving old memories. God, I've actually become pathetic. I hate even putting this down on paper because I don't want to feel anything - I just want to numb myself to everything.

All I could keep thinking was why? Why on earth would anyone subject themselves to this feeling? How can people go through this multiple times? I don't understand it. Nothing I've ever felt has been like this. No man has ever made me feel this horrible. Ever. I thought only I had the ability to do this to myself. I don't even want to look for anyone else because I just know that he'll make me feel this way, too. To open oneself up is to be vulnerable and I just don't think I have the stomach for it. Seriously, I spend all my time putting up this front of ice cold steeliness. Well, ladies and gentleman, it's a facade. It's fake. The weakest people put up the strongest fronts and I am definitely a prime example of that.

There's a face that we hide

Til the nighttime appears

And what's hiding inside

Behind all of our fears

Is our true self

Locked inside the facade.

president barack obama.

I really wanted to write this entry last night, but I was so overcome with emotion that I really couldn't do it. I voted yesterday, in person, for the first time. I'd never pulled a lever before and I found it thrilling and exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. My father and I went to our polling place, my old elementary school, on Long Island. When I was in the booth I was so nervous! I was afraid that something would go wrong and my vote wouldn't count, it wouldn't register, or maybe I'd accidentally vote for the wrong person. So I triple-checked that I'd pulled the lever for Barack Obama, and then I walked out. It was a wonderful feeling.

I spent the evening with my friend Jama. We went to Rockefeller Centre and cheered when Obama's projections soared above McCain's to 103. The feeling of the crowd was electric. So many people were out and about - yelling and cheering when things went well for the Democrats and booing when McCain won anything. After that, we headed back to his apartment to watch the returns since we wanted to hear everything and the crowds were so loud. I was so nervous the whole time - we didn't know if America was going to vote for Barack, if the Bradley effect would happen, or what. But in the end, he won. And I cried. I cried so much because I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. A black man is going to be president. President Barack Hussein Obama - an intelligent, dorky (yes, Barack is a nerd, you know it), well-spoken, confident, black man with a funny name is going to lead the United States of America. I cried because this is something I never thought I'd see. Sure, I didn't grow up during Jim Crow and I've only had minimal run-ins with true racism, but it was just shocking. I thought of my mother - the only black girl in her high school, part of one of those integration programs. I thought of my grandparents, who grew up in the segregated South. I thought of every black man, woman, and child who's ever felt 'less than' because of their race. I thought of Chris Rock, who once quipped in a speech - "When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky." Well times have certainly changed, haven't they?

I still can't even put into words the significance of this election and it's results. When I was growing up, I remember my mother would sit me down and have serious chats with me about my future. "You have three strikes against you and they're going to try and hold you back for your whole life. You're black, you're a woman, and you have a Hispanic last name. You have to jump higher, run faster, and be smarter than everyone else. It's not enough to be good, you have to be great, you have to be the best. No one is going to hand you anything - you are going to have to claw your way to get whatever you desire. Because at the end of the day - no matter how smart you are, no matter how much you've achieved, you're still going to be a nigger. At least in the minds of a lot of people." Those are heavy words to hear as a child, but they've inspired me my whole life. My brothers and I were taught that we were going to have to give more to get less and I've spent my whole life fighting for what I want. And even as successful as I've been thus far, I've still always sensed that there was a limit to that success. For me, seeing Barack Obama take the election just removed some of those limits.

I didn't vote for Obama solely because he is black. To quote Chris Rock again - "I'm proud Barack Obama is running for president. If it was Flavor Flav would I be proud? No." And that, for me, is what makes this so special. America is about to be introduced to a whole new side of blackness that they may have never been exposed to. When some people think of black culture they think of gangsters with bling chains, video hos shaking their butts while having champagne sprayed over them, hip-hop music blasting. But now, we're going to have a First Family that shows a side of blackness that I can identify with. A black family consisting of a mother and father (happily married) with children. Two Ivy-League educated parents, with law degrees, and impressive careers. That's the life I'm trying to build for myself and that's the life I want America to see. That Black people can have that - we can do that and we can do it well. 

When I was a kid, my mother refused to buy anything with a white face on it. I'd ask for things - like once I asked for that picture of the two cherubic angels side-by-side. And my mother got it for me, but they were black angels. I thought it was weird, and for a while, I couldn't understand why she did it. We had a black angel on our Christmas tree and lots of black Santas. After a while, though, I knew exactly why she had done it. It's important to see people that look like you. It's important to know that the world is not whitewashed - there are successful people of all shapes, sizes, and nationalities. I've always struggled with my self-esteem - wondering if I was pretty or if anyone would ever be attracted to me. Because I am not the ideal - I'm not stick-thin, I have boobs, hips, and thighs. I am black, I have dark eyes, super-thick lips, and short hair. I will never be able to toss my hair over my shoulders, I will never fit into a size 2, and I will never be fair of hair or face. And my mother cared enough to make sure that I knew that there were other people out there that looked like me and that they were beautiful and that I should embrace them. I hope that little boys and girls will see Barack, Michelle, Malia, and Sasha Obama and think - that could be me. That is me. I can do that. They are beautiful and whole and happy, and I can be that too. I can go to Columbia, I can go to Harvard, I can be president, I can be whatever I want. That is why this is so important to me.

Lastly, I'm really fucking excited to have a black first lady. Black women are one of the most put-upon groups on this earth. We are either desexualized (mammies taking care of other people's children, Sapphires who castrate our men, snappy sidekicks - the black best friend who's always snapping her fingers and delivering one-liners with no love life of her own) or we're seen as hypersexual gyrating video hos, shaking it for cash. Now we have a strong black woman as first lady - well-educated, beautiful, graceful, classy, but also a wife and a mother. She has a career, a mind of her own, a brain, a loving, devoted husband and two beautiful, well-behaved children. Michelle Obama has given me hope. The hope that all of these things are within my reach. That I can have them. That I don't have to be alone. That I can become a successful attorney who doesn't have to give up a family life for a career. That a black woman can be sexy and smart, with a mind and life of her own.

I am excited at all of the possibilities. I feel energized and invigorated. It truly is the dawn of a new day.

election day 08

I just voted this morning. It was so weird to be behind that curtain (this was the first time I'd ever voted in person at an actual polling place). I was so afraid I was going to mess it up. I checked about 20 times to make sure I'd voted for Obama. I'm really praying that the country goes in that direction. I'm nervous and scared about the effects of racism - not only in stopping him from winning, but in the future. What if he wins and some crazy racist nutjob decides to do something about it or hurt people of color in retaliation? I worry about that a lot. There's a lot of hateful people out there and it's scary.

I would like to post more, but I'm in extreme pain and I can barely breathe so I'm off to do some more work *whip cracks* as I lay in my childhood bedroom and wait until it's time to head back to the city.

maybe god really does want me to get laid...

I *just* got my period today. Normally I would be pissed as all hell that it happened at work, but to be honest, I'm really happy because I thought it was going to happen during Vegas. And I will be damned if I allow my period to ruin my chances at sex for the second cycle in a row. So thank the Lord! It'll be over by Saturday and I can wear my sexy cocktail dresses without being bloated and God willing, be able to snag a man (or men) for the evening (or weekend, I'm flexible - haha). You have no idea how important this trip is to me. I was about ready to take someone's head off when I thought it was going to be ruined.

ANYHOW. Enough about sex. Tomorrow's the election! EEEEK! I'm going home to vote and I'm so excited. I have nerves like whoa, but I'm praying praying praying. 

Okay - work!

i am sick.

It fucking sucks. All I did today was sit on my ass and fall asleep every 10 minutes. I also started reading the True Blood novels and some Dostoevsky. I need to get better before Vegas... Why does this crap always happen to me??

all hollow's eve.

I think I eradicated my hatred of Halloween last night. I had an amazing time - probably the first truly good Halloween in my life. I left work early, got a manicure - my nails are now a beautiful shade of blood red. After that I headed to grab makeup for my costume and then booked it home. Some of the high school peeps came over and we got ready together, handed candy out to trick-or-treaters (apparently people do trick or treat in apartment buildings. who knew?), and then headed out.

We dropped by the parade. It was awesome. It was just so crazy to see SO many people in the streets, dressed up, carousing, having a good time. It was amazing. Some people had some really crazy shit on, too. Haha. But I was literally loving every minute of it.

Then we headed over to the party. If there's anything I love more than a party, it's one thrown by bankers in a penthouse apartment with views of the Empire State Building. Um, I literally wanted to roll a cot in there and start paying rent. It was beautiful, well-decorated, and amazing. The fireplace was a nice touch. I was shocked at how well-furnished it is - I mean, four boys live there - I expected it to be either empty or filled with random furniture. But, it was nice. I had a really good time. Hung out with some more high school kids, met some new people, it was good. I love getting out of my apartment and mingling with the world. Anyhow, it was a lot of fun, I didn't get wasted, I didn't molest any bankers - all in all a pretty good night =)

Now I'm spending this weekend being a hermit and I'm loving it. I plan on staying in tonight, watching a movie and just being dull. I deserve this weekend.

black girl, white world.

So, a few posts back Shruti asked me to elaborate on my relationship with other black women. I don't really think my issues deal with strictly other black women, but more so with black men and the community at large.

Basically, I grew up with a pretty privileged lifestyle, especially for a black girl. My parents aren't rich by any means, but we always had what we wanted. I went to Catholic school as a child, a ritzy private summer camp, and we always had yearly vacations. My parents never really said no. I mean, if we wanted something, my parents would work hard to get it. They didn't spoil us - we weren't allowed anything outrageous, nor did we ask for anything like that - and they made sure we knew that we had the things we had because my father busted his ass 7 days a week working overtime. But, it was still a lot of privilege. I never really grew up around people who didn't have some kind of money. While none of my friends are crazy wealthy or anything compared to some of the kids we went to school with, if you compare our families to people in the rest of the country, we're all doing pretty well for ourselves.

I live in a biracial family (black mom, light-skinned Puerto Rican dad) although I'm not biracial (well, at least as far as I know - I'm adopted, but I've been told by several people - including the Intellectual that if I told them that I was half black/half hispanic, they'd believe me). Race has always been an odd things for me. I live in a family where races have mixed and my dad and mom look nothing like each other and nothing like me. When I was a kid, we lived in a predominately black neighborhood where I was teased mercilessly by kids over my "white father." For some reason, having a parent that isn't black is like the kiss of death in the black community. It takes away your street cred. Add that to the fact that I was a dorky, nerdy girl who read a lot, watched Jeopardy for fun, and my whole wardrobe was from the Gap, and you could tell I was going to get teased. Most of my life other black people (with a few exceptions) shunned me. In America, you're told if you're black and you're smart and get good grades and stay out of trouble, that you're "acting white." Well, let me just say this - I'd rather be "acting white" at an Ivy League university than "acting black" in jail. 

Basically, after years of the teasing, the shunning, the discomfort, I just sort of gave up. I tried my hardest to integrate myself into the community and I've pretty much failed at every turn. Instead I've tended to make friends with other black women who've had the same shit happen to them. I love the black community, I love the way I was raised, I love the heritage and the traditions, but I can't deal with the bullshit. And so I've tended to surround myself with kids like me - other bourgie black kids who value education and have goals and dreams and ambitions and don't tease me because I use proper English. 

As far as black men are concerned, I am so awkward around them. I get really nervous because I remember all the kids who teased me in my youth. Also, I don't really interact with black men on a regular basis. Most black women interact with a black man every day of the week - their father. My father isn't black, doesn't really have any black friends, and so the only black men I see are my younger brothers, two of whom are mixed race. I never grew up around black men and so in some ways I'm afraid we won't connect. In my fantasies, my ideal man is always black, because I think that black love is beautiful and I feel more comfortable physically with black men, who tend to appreciate my body type and features. But, I end up dating white men because they're more readily available in the circles I run in, they approach me, and they seem to accept me for who I am as a person. I'd love to fall in love with a wonderful black man who's educated, intelligent, and has an amazing sense of humor. But the statistics don't seem to pan out in my favor. Black women are the least likely group to get married in our society. In 2001, 41.9% of black women have never been married. That's scary. That's really fucking scary. So when I complain that I will always be alone and never get married, it's not just paranoia, it's logic and statistics.

I don't know. Race is such a complicated thing. It never really goes away. I probably haven't done this topic justice, but I wanted to put some things out there.

long and rambly.

Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind so it's time to vent with little to no purpose. I'll try to organize things effectively. I've been in this weird, tense sort of mood. I can feel it in my body. My shoulders and neck are tight. I may have to start stretching them a little better before I go to work out. I just feel like my eyes are slowly starting to open and I'm ready. Ready to start doing all the things I always talk about, ready to make my life better. Ready to be done with bullshit and ridiculousness. 

My job is killing me. Literally - it's sucking my soul out of my body. I miss my old team so much that it's almost physically painful. I just feel like what I'm doing is not challenging and I see mistakes being made and I can't stand it. It's like it's making me a worse person, because I'm starting to get frustrated with people and that's not good for my psyche. On the bright side, I am super-stoked about law school, even more so than before. I'm ready to bang out my applications in a month and a half. I'm excited about the prospect of going back to school and being surrounded by youth, talent, and intelligence. Like-minded people with similar goals. I was looking over Columbia's application last night and it made me so excited. I think I'm going to enjoy law school, even though it'll probably be the toughest endeavor of my life thus far. We'll see.

I'm giving up on men. Seriously, after talking to College BFF about it, I'm just run down. I don't know what happened with the Intellectual, but he's poof disappeared. He left me a Facebook message the other day - I responded with a text message and heard nothing back. Then when I sign into the Facebook, he's removed his single status. I don't know what to make of that. It just frustrates me and only reinforces all the horrible things I believe about love and relationships and men. I might as well just bite the bullet and realize that I am going to be alone. I mean, I have my friends, but they'll disappear, sucked into their respective relationships and I will be as alone as I was when I was born. I'm used to people walking out of my life. I'll get over it eventually. I just hate it because shit like this makes me want to close myself off to everyone - my friends, my family, men. Sometimes I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to disappear - cut off everyone and just run off somewhere without telling a soul. Drastic, dramatic gestures have always been my thing. When I finally crack, it's going to be spectacularly dramatic, I know it.

My body aches and I love it. From the past three days in the gym, I feel ready to collapse and I like it. I love pushing my body to it's limits and I love feeling the effects. It's good for me.

Creativity is calling out to me - writing and theatre. I will find a way to make these things a part of me. I think that's who I am in essence - a creative person trapped inside the body of a dull intellectual. I long to make things - to be a part of the creative process. I need that to thrive and that's been missing from my life for the past year and a half.

I also need to get out and meet new people. I need to make NYC my home - to explore it and find my place within it. It just seems like there's never enough time. Everything's always happening at once. There's friendships to maintain, work to go to, errands to run, business trips, leisure trips, applications, tests - I just feel as though there's no time for me to do all the things I want to. And then I remember high school. My freshman year of high school, I did so much. I was involved with tons of clubs, went to school super early, stayed late for lacrosse practice, did homework, and was even able to have a social life. I just don't understand why that's become so difficult now. Jesus, I just don't know.

Anyhow, I should *so* be working. More later - I know I promised Shru an entry. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

yesterday.

I was absolutely ridiculously good yesterday. I went to the gym for an hour and a half - did the bike, the treadmill, and the elliptical. No trouble breathing or anything! It was wonderful. I'm totally ready to get back into the shape I was in during the beginning stages of high school, where I played volleyball and lacrosse and spent my afternoons working out for 3 hours a day at practice. I don't really have that kind of time, but if I can do 90 min to 2 hours every day, I should be set. I'm really ready to whip my body into shape. And I know myself - I *love* to eat. So I will be working out like a psychopath instead of dieting. I've decided also not to do bread after 5 pm. We'll see how that goes.

I went out last night (eeep! on a Monday!) - it was awesome. Saw this concert version of Reefer Madness with Slind and some other girls. It was amazing. I was right near Alan Cumming and saw Ana Gasteyer up close! It was insanity. It also made me miss theatre and that community. I love actors so very much. I really need to get on top of finding a way to satisfy that particular craving of mine. The craving to be creative and surrounded by creative people. I miss it. I need to start writing again. It's imperative.

Still no word from the boy. Oddly enough, I don't really care. Haha - I might text him - who knows? I wish I was more excited. Sigh. Apathy. 

it's about that time...

... to introduce a new man to the blog. Yay! Welcome The Intellectual - the guy I went out with on Friday night. So we kind of had our wires crossed and he left me a voicemail on Thursday night that I didn't get until Friday afternoon, so I was unsure whether we were still on for the date. Turns out we were and we settled everything and decided to go out in the West Village for Mexican food. We met up at the subway stop and walked over together. He's cute, dark-skinned, a little on the short side, but extremely well-built. Like 'Oh My God, can I please sleep with you now' built. 

Conversation was really nice. We talked about a lot of really deep things - our relationships with our parents, our childhoods, life in general. We both had a lot to say about Black America and the community and problems within and outside of it. It was nice to talk to someone about those things. Because I've noticed something about me. Black men make me incredibly nervous. Not like 'clutch my purse, cross the street' nervous, but just worried about how they will view me. I am not the typical black woman and I've faced a whole lot of hurt from the black community for many reasons - my white-looking father, my intelligence, my dorkiness, the way I carry myself. So I'm wary of them. I'm afraid they'll look at me, be attracted, but will drop me like a hot potato once I open my mouth. It wasn't like that with this guy. He was nice, smart, playful (he told me I seemed like the Upper East Side type - haha), and we were really able to connect.

He walked me home and we chatted about politics and interracial dating along the way. When we got to my apartment, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and told me we should hang out again sometime. So I'm waiting for him to call him. We'll see. I've given up hope on most men, so we'll see how it goes.

The postmortem: I like him. I'd like to continue seeing him, but I'm not freaking the fuck out about it or anything. I'll be happy if he calls, but I won't be devastated if he doesn't. I really want to be excited about a man, but for whatever reason, it's just not happening for me right now. Maybe I'm hopeless...

i am such an idiot.

I feel like whenever it comes to men, I always find some way to screw thing up or end up acting horribly awkward. It could almost be funny if it weren't so sad. So for most of this week the Construction Worker has been outside when I walk by. Today, he saw me from about half a block away and continued to stare as I walked down the street. I'm uber self-conscious so I didn't know what to do and I was listening to my iPeeZee (yeah, I just called it that - and WHAT?) - I think T.I.'s "Whatever You Like" was blasting. 

Then he says something to me!!!! But I couldn't hear what he said because the music was too loud and I couldn't read his lips. It sounded like he said something about either taking me out anytime I wanted or complementing how I look nice every day. I have no idea what he said!!!! But I didn't want to stop walking because I'm shy and this is just a harmless flirtation, nothing more. So I didn't take out my headphones or anything - I just smiled at him and kept walking. Haha - I don't know what I'll do on Monday. Jesus. I'm such an awkward mess - I love it!

Anyway. I'm so boy-crazy lately... I need to start thinking of other things. Also, I have no idea if my date is happening tonight and I kinda don't even really care. Haha - is that bad? I mean, I guess I wanna go out with him, but I'm also really fucking tired. Sigh. I'm so fickle.

there's something wrong with me...

I've been eating far too little and drinking far too much. I don't care about my body or what goes into it. I've been horrible lately. I don't even know why. I just lack the motivation to take care of myself. And yet, I am in no way, shape or form depressed. I'm actually pretty happy right now. My weekends have been good - spent in the company of friends. My job was stressful last week, but almost pleasant this week. I just don't know what's wrong with me.

I pretty much eat one meal a day - lunch. Then dinner is usually spent snacking on a piece of pita bread swallowed down with a glass of wine. I get the sinking feeling that I'm slowly killing myself. Ha! I've promised myself that after Freshman Year Best Friend leaves (he's visiting on Saturday! yay!) that I will get my shit together. I don't think I was even this bad when I was in SF and TG was afraid that I was starving myself.

I just lack motivation. Yeah. That's it. I'll get it back soon. No need to send out the watchdogs. I'm sure I'll be fine.

eureka!

I'm a huge stalker. Seriously. I'm ashamed to even admit to this because it's kind of scary, but I can find out nearly anything about anybody with little more to go on than a first and last name. I'm sure lots of other people have this talent, especially in this internet age, but I have to say that I have more drive and determination than most people I've seen. Maybe it's because I work at an internet search company, but I can make the internet produce wonderful things for me and usually those things have to do with men. Specifically the men I'm dating or am interested in. Yes, I know it's creepy and I need to stop doing it, but last night it totally led me to realize what my issue is. Well, what one of them is - clearly, I have many issues.

So New Jersey, right? Post-hook up we've had two interactions, both initiated by me and both very unfulfilling. So I get the hint that he's not interested. He claimed he'd call/text/IM me sometime this week but I don't believe it. Anyhow, before we met I had to get all the dirt on him. I mean, one of the downsides to online dating is that you never know who's a whackjob and who isn't. So in all my sleuthing I managed to find his blog (yes, I know - I shouldn't have read it, but I did so whatevs). So, last night he was online, but I was ignoring him and he was ignoring me, so I go to read his blog and the entry is pretty much all about how he's a complete and total philanderer (his words, not mine) who basically doesn't want to grow up. All his friends are getting married and settling down, but he's not and he's conflicted about it.

That's when I realize - holy shit! I'm consistently attracted to emotionally unavailable Aquarians with Peter Pan complexes. My ideal man always seems to be slightly aloof, emotionally detached, yet totally smooth with women. Guys who might be called "man whores" and who know how to get women - tons of women! - but have no idea how to have a real, serious relationship. That was the deal with the Banker, and that's the deal with this one. I just don't know what it is that attracts me to them. Maybe it's the fact that for once, I look like the normal one. I'm not the one whose commitment-phobia is holding things back. Maybe I just like the thrill of the chase. I don't know what it is, but I have to get it in my head that these are not the kind of men I should be pursuing. It's a waste of time and energy. 

Basically, after reading that entry it's forced me to be real about the kinds of men I'm trying to get with as well as the potential consequences of continuing my own aloofness. I do not want to be 28 years old, single, and still fucking around with random men.

Goddamn, this week has been a mindfuck.

withholding.

So, at least three times a week (hell, it's probably actually five times a week), college BFF and I have cocktail nights. Yes, she lives in DC and I live in NYC, but we talk on the phone while we have a drink. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of being back on the East Coast - the ability to have these little chats. So last night's talk centered around the pursuit of men. We talked about all the assholes we've screwed and pursued over our lifetimes and why the ideal relationship has been so far out of our grasp. "Is it really as simple as withholding the pussy? Is that the key to a relationship?" she asked me. To be honest, I don't know. Maybe it really is that simple and maybe that's why every relationship I've ever been in or attempted to create has been hopelessly fucked up. I always tend to get sexual before I get intimate. Maybe I need to stop doing that in order to have men take me seriously. However, as BFF so eloquently put it - "I can guarantee you that there are no men out there wondering if a woman will stop taking them seriously if they have sex on the first date." And ladies and gentleman, therein lies my problem.

I have serious issues with gender imbalance. If I even suspect that a man holds some antiquated notion about women and sex, I don't want to be with him. And I refuse to change my behavior in order to get a man to take me seriously. I just don't see why I should have to. I know relationships are about compromise and all, but sex is extremely important to me. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, maybe it's because I've been obsessed with sex since I could read, but for whatever reason, sex is a major factor for me with whomever I get involved with. I can't do prudes. Tried it and I failed. I like to get all of that shit out in the open at first, which probably scares men. I mean, one of the things I thought I liked about New Jersey was that he seemed so refreshed by how open I was sexually. However, in the end, it appears that he was either lying or it was too much for him. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just insecure. I've always known that I was intelligent and going places. I've never for a second doubted that my life would be blessed in those respects. I went to a good school, I have a good job, and my brains have rarely failed me. What I'm more insecure about is my body, my capacity to be viewed as a sexual being. So maybe I over-emphasize that too much. For me it's not a matter of how much you respect me, but how much you want to fuck me. Maybe it's time to switch it up a bit.