everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.

There are about three songs that make me happy no matter what mood I'm in. Lady Gaga's "Just Dance," Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA," and Hannah Montana/Miley's "Nobody's Perfect." Yes, I'm aware there are many things wrong with those three choices, but I love them nonetheless. They just instantly perk me up. Lately, my iPod has been playing these three tunes on overload. I've been crazy moody lately - it's so hard to put my finger on what's wrong. I had a horrible "I miss TG" relapse over the past couple of days and it's totally been fucking with my mood. I've been doing far too much internet recon (my little euphemism for stalking) on him lately. I need to stop. Then again, I've recently reintroduced exercise into my life and that's making me incredibly happy, albeit a bit sore.

However, the main thing that's trying my nerves are my friendship insecurities. I know that I should just man up and be honest with my friends about how I see our relationships deteriorating, but I'm a pussy and I can't. So I'll just write about it instead. Lately, some of the strongest relationships I've ever had in my life are being tested and I'm not really sure what to do about it. It's absolutely gut-wrenching to watch your friendship go from 100 to 0 in 60 seconds. Well, maybe 100 to 45. I don't even know what to do. I understand that people drift apart and change, but that's not what this is about. This is about certain events that have transpired in the past 6 months or so and I just can't handle it. I'm afraid that I'll take the easy way out and just justify not fixing this with the fact that I'm going to move in August. I don't want to do that, though. These relationships are incredibly important to me and to be honest, if they ever falter, I don't know if I can believe in human connection anymore.

Then there's the angry side of me. It's like - if your priorities have shifted and changed, then maybe I need to shift and change my priorities. So I've been doing a little bit more of that. Started hanging out with the work girls - it helps take my mind off the fact that sometimes I feel so lonely. Which is ridiculous, as I live in a city that's 30 miles from where I grew up and I know a million people here. But when you feel like you're not as important to people as you once were, it's hard to get over that. Maybe that's just growing up. Maybe it's time for me to find other outlets for my energy, but I don't want to. I just want my friends back. The way it used to be. When I felt like they gave a shit about my feelings and about spending time with me. Oh, well. I'm just going to do me and see where the pieces fall.

CJ and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Today was a very bad day for reasons I won't get into because they're a little too personal for me (and I bet you all thought nothing was too personal for me! Wrong! haha). Anyway, I'm moving forward and trying to be positive about things. It's sad when the things that used to make you feel at home no longer do and you don't know where to turn. I'm just such a naturally negative person, so when I feel like this, I get so depressed and it can be hard to pull myself out immediately. Instead, I'll wallow for a while.

There are a lot of people in this world that I have complicated relationships with, but lately, two of them spring to mind. One of whom I don't even really speak to anymore and the other one is TG. What intrigues me most about both of these individuals is their optimism and their ability to always be upbeat and positive and not to let things get them down. While I don't have the best relationship with the former and the latter stresses me out on a daily basis, I really would like to be more like them in that one particular way. Goes to show you that you can learn a lot from anybody, not just those people you're close to.

I'm losing my faith in human relationships. That's a sad thing for me to admit to, but it's true. I haven't felt like this since 6th or 7th grade. As a kid, I never really trusted anyone. I grew up in a household where my mother told me not to trust anyone and so I've viewed outsiders with trepidation. I've always had friends, don't get me wrong, but I kept a lot of them at arm's length, especially during my youth. I think the whole adoption thing plays into that too. I know how fleeting any kind of tie is, even biological. Things happen, people change, life moves forward.

I don't really talk too much about him on this blog, but High School Best Friend is the first person I've ever considered to be a true friend. Although he's busy in med school and our friendship is not at the level that it once was, I will never ever forget the fact that he was the first person to be kind to me in a legitimate way. He taught me that I could trust someone outside of myself. It wasn't strictly that, though - he was the first person who cared enough about me to force me to open up to him. He simply wouldn't take no for an answer. Of course I would tell him everything and he would keep it a secret because we were best friends. Prior to that time, no one had ever treated me like that or seemed to genuinely want to know my true thoughts or feelings. That's valuable to me. I'm a person who holds grudges, but I also don't forget any kindness bestowed upon me.

In the years since then I've made so many friends that have helped me open up and cultivated a lot of friendships that sustain me and make me feel whole. I feel like I have people who really get me, who know me and whom I can laugh with and have a good time and just be myself - no censorship necessary. Yet, I also feel crazy lonely sometimes. It seems like everyone has so many other commitments and other people that are more important to them and that's hard. Then there's my disillusionment with dating and men in general (I just deleted all of my profiles and did the whole cleaning out my contacts list thing). I just feel like it's too much work. People are too much work. I can't handle caring so much about people - it hurts too badly when things go wrong or people leave you behind. I hate being left behind. That's why I try to leave first.

i'm a little peeved.

I have amazing friends. I know I do and I love them and I will forgive them almost anything. I just want to preface with that because this weekend so many of my friends have ticked me off. I'm angry and I want to vent a little, because this is what this blog is for. I don't think any of the issues I'm having right now are friendship-breaking, but I hate when I feel like people let me down. My friends are my support system - they keep me sane and grounded and happy. When I lose a part of that, I get so frickin' upset. Honestly, I do. Because I expect so much more from them. I try to be the best friend and I can be, and I know sometimes I falter, but it just sucks when your friends pull shit you don't like.

I'm not going to get into detail about things (and one person has already apologized profusely for what happened - and we're good, really we are, so it's fine), but I just have one thing I have to say. I *hate* when my friends judge my lifestyle (heh, that sounds like I'm a swinger or something - I'm not). I understand that you may not agree with some of things I do with my life or my body, but you take them up with me. Don't run around telling our mutual friends that you think I have a problem when you have little to no evidence to back your shit up. I'm serious. Just come to me, as an individual and talk it out. I know that friends talk about friends behind their backs - this is natural, and I understand it. But if it's something you think is so serious that you need to have an "intervention" or whatever, take that up with me. UGH. I just get so angry especially when I feel like said judgment is unwarranted and unsupported by any evidence. Let me stop, though, before I get even more heated than I already am.

Serenity now, right? Haha.

Anyway, all this friendship bullcrap has made me upset and I found myself having pangs of sadness over TG today. I'm so unstable about men. I need my friends to be there for me, because I can't do this shit alone. When they screw up, it just makes everything else come crashing down. Oh well, tomorrow's a new day.

love the holidays...

I think one of the best things about the holidays is being reunited with friends and family. While most of my close high school friends live in NYC or Long Island, I still rarely get to see them because of law school or med school or work or busy schedules. So I'm really happy that this holiday season I'll get to see everyone once again. Sometimes I forget why I came back to NYC and I feel guilty about not making it out in CA or whatever (not that that was ever really the plan, but still...). And then I see my friends and I remember why. Because as life-changing and wonderful an experience as SF was, practically all of my support system was living on the East Coast, including my family. And while I'm still not 100% sure that I'll live in New York forever as I once thought I would, I'm still really excited to be here right now.

I always forget how many people long to live in Manhattan in their 20s - to be young, free and single in one of the most captivating cities on Earth. Remembering it now makes me want to take advantage - to do as much as I can. My job is not crazy demanding and I still have my youth and I need to make the most out of my time here. Who knows what the next few years will bring? I could go to law school in California or DC or CT and so I need to make this time memorable.

I came home today - to my parents' house - and I'm loving being back. The whole family is here and it's chill and relaxing and nice. I'm looking forward to two solid weeks of planning for 2009, getting my shit together, and hanging out with friends and family. So exciting!

still sexless in the city.

Still no sex. But this is partially my own fault. In more positive news, TG was awesomely nice to me this weekend. It was really sweet. He took me out to a baseball game and then we came back to my place. It was nice to cuddle in bed with him and nap together. I will definitely miss him when I move away. He's been a dick to me at times, but he's also been really sweet, too. And he was super-attentive in the bedroom today, although as I mentioned before - no sex. Sigh. I think I'm getting closer, though. We shall see. We have plans to hang out on Wednesday, so hopefully that'll go through and I can jump him. Because at this point I'm ready to be super-aggressive.

Other than that, not much to tell. Hung out with MB this weekend, which was fab. I <3 her! We did biscuits and John Adams special on Saturday morning and the Marina and fancy dresses on Saturday night. It's so sad, there are so many people and things I'm going to miss about this city, but deep down inside I know that I don't belong here. C'est la vie.

anger, angst, and tons of alcohol.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's pretty much been the theme of my life since my last entry and the main reasons why I haven't been writing. Basically... my life has been a shitshow since Thursday evening and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I feel like this weekend is shot to hell and there's not much I can do about it. So now it's 8 pm on Sunday - I have lots of cleaning and laundry to do, as well as some actual work. FUCK ME.

So we'll start from Thursday evening and move along (warning: this is going to be a little long). Thursday night is our weekly movie/games night between my apartment, MB, and Freshman Year Best Friend's apartment. We were hosting it and since Blondie's been swamped with work, I was elected to cook for our apartment. I had felt sick at work so I went home early, giving me plenty of time to nap, relax, dance around the house, and go shopping. Except it was like Murphy's Fucking Law - everything that could go wrong, did. The cookies I made were absolute SHIT and had to be scrapped and instead I bought ice cream. Then, when attempting to prepare the shrimp, I realized I had bought *cooked* shrimp, which meant going back out for the third time to get some goddamn shrimp. Drama, drama, drama.

Then we played drinking games once everyone had come over and eaten. We consumed, between the seven of us, an entire bottle of vodka (keep in mind that one of us wasn't drinking, Brunette only had scotch, and FYBF was drinking gin). It was a complete and total shitshow - like WHOA. We were all hammered and playing Kings and talking about all sorts of weird sex stuff and just having a crazy, riotous time. It was fabulous... until the next morning. Then I woke up with my stomach making funny sounds, a slight headache, and a fierce desire to consume all the water and/or soda on God's green earth. Needless to say, I took a "personal day" and my roommates left for work late. Ugh.

For some more mundane details, I did nothing but curl my hair on Friday night. Saturday we tried and failed to go clubbing in the Mission. Although, I did get insanely drunk due to my whole drunkorexic routine of not eating and then consuming liquor. Today was Easter Sunday and FYBF made a spectacular dinner and it was really nice and chill and lowkey and insanely fun to hang out with everyone.

So I've handled the alcohol portion of the title. Next up: anger.

So... one of my friends has done something to another one of my friends that just completely and totally pissed me off. I want to confront friend x about all the drama, but friend y wants to keep it chill. I'm having a hard time doing this, but basically I've lost all trust and respect for friend x and will no longer be able to confide in this person as a result of what went down. Which makes me angry because it's really going to fuck up my life for a little bit. Additionally, friend x has done some shit to me in the past that I thought I had gotten over, but is clearly still on my mind.

Angst. So yeah, Saturday night was... eye-opening... to say the least. It just helped me to see that I really don't think I can be happy here in the situation that I'm currently in. As a result of having a crappy night, I just felt like I missed my lifestyle back on the East Coast, when I knew what to expect and I didn't feel like I was fighting a battle of the wills. I like to go out, I like to dance, I like to party. And I'm of the firm belief that if you are somewhere and the party SUCKS, you just make the most of it and you create your own party. I think basically the whole night just didn't turn out as planned from the start, and it was frustrating. I felt like since I had planned things that I would have an inkling of a say into what we did or what happened, but no. Instead I get dominated and forced to do shit I don't want to do. I also HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when people treat me like I'm a child and won't allow me to do things by myself. I'm a grown. ass. woman. I'm 22 years old and I hate being treated like a baby. It pisses me off to no end.

Sigh. So here I am, frustrated, upset, and in need of change. I don't know if I'll be able to effect the change I need, but I'm starting next weekend for sure. Me and MB and doing the Marina together in fancy dresses. Wine, dinner, and cocktails. I'm super-stoked and I think it's going to be a good time. Yay!

"they say that time changes things...

...but you actually have to change them yourself." ~ Andy Warhol

I just like that quote. I think it's true. I wanted to write about change and growth and life and newness, but I have some housekeeping issues to handle first.

1. My best friend from college, whom I love dearly and who I miss SO much, has a blog. Because I'm a good friend, I'm trying to pimp it out. Anyone who knows me offline probably knows her and you should read it. Here's the link. She wrote this awesome post on black women and our hair-straightening frenzy that was awesome.

2. I bought a domain name! I don't know why I did it, but I just did because I'm impetuous and random like that. I can't tell you it because it's www my-first-name-my-last-name com and I'm trying to be anonymous, but I'm super excited. Also, there's nothing up there right now, so it's not like you really need to see it.

3. Work is so goddamn stressful. I'm running these reports and every time I turn around someone wants something else. But a chick from my team that I really like just came by and said the info was super-useful and she acknowledged that it must've been a bitch to pull. That makes me happy. That's all I ask for - a little recognition.

4. I went over a co-worker's house yesterday! It was so much fun! I'm being social and making work friends instead of just keeping in my little bubble of college folk! That makes me really happy.

5. Tech Guy and I were supposed to hang out last night but I bailed for the aforementioned co-worker thing (I'm sorry, but making new friends still trumps the man thing), and he told me he missed me. I was a mixture of surprised, appalled, scared, and elated. Weirdness.

6. This weekend is going to be awesome: having a me-night on Friday - no going out, just me, maybe a bottle of wine, and a movie! Saturday - I'm getting my hair did, along with nails and brows because that night I'm going to this ultra-cushy club where we're getting free table service because MB's roomie won this contest on the radio. I cannot wait. I'm getting all dolled up (little black dress here I come!) and getting so incredibly wasted. Cue the table-dancing! Sunday - seeing a movie of *my* choice and getting booty from Tech Guy. Awesome. Is it Friday yet?

Okay, that's all. Tomorrow will be introspective and revealing and all that other lovely stuff I seem to be so good at.

new year's eve in manhattan.

Last night was the first New Years I've spent away from the fam. Normally I spend the 'holiday' sitting on my bed listening to music, only to come out of my stupor around 11:30 pm, running to the den to kick it with my parents while waiting for the ball to drop. Then I go to bed. In other words, lame lame lame. So this year, I decided to do the Manhattan NYE. I went to the city with my friends, had a Mexican dinner, and then off to a club to dance the night away.

I had an amazing time, although I think I kind of shocked my friends. You see, one thing that I'm never quite willing to admit about myself is that I'm a really big flirt when I want to be. I don't even know what it is, but it's just like a switch is flipped and all of a sudden, I'm crazy and vivacious and just so open and free. Most of my LI friends don't know me in that way and so it can be kind of hard for me to show that side of myself. So I basically spent the first half of the night chatting and dancing with the male friend of one of my high school friends. He was visiting from school and came out to the party. It was completely harmless and I didn't want anything to happen, but I could still feel myself doing the whole crazy flirt thing - dancing with him, having him get me drinks, talking.

Then, I don't know what was up, but this random, skinny, decent-looking white guy stood next to my group of friends and was looking at us. So I kind of looked at him and laughed. And he totally called me on it - "Are you laughing at me?" So I said I wasn't, I was just laughing. Then he gave me that 'I think you're kinda cute' look and we started dancing. He totally tried to stick his tongue down my throat, but I need names first, so I got the lowdown on him. Lives in NJ, works in Times Square for a firm I've actually heard of and went to school upstate. That was all I needed to start the full-on, dance-floor makeout sesh that followed. It was kinda awk cuz the LI BFFs were there and I like to keep it clean when we go out. They were totally watching me and taking pix (omg, embarassing), but I kept my shit together. Mr. NJ was definitely trying to mack it. Totally tried to put my hands down his own pants and he tried putting his down mine. But, I'm a lady (HA) or at least I was trying not to be a complete slut, so I nipped that in the bud. The friends started getting antsy so I told him I had to go, to which he just kept kissing me and acting like he couldn't hear me. We went over to a quiet little corner (or as quiet as it gets in a club) and I know he was trying to seal the deal, but I was staying with JamBam and he was staying with a friend in Queens so it just wasn't going to work. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, but I figured it was futile since I'm going back to SF tomorrow. Oh, well. At least I got some kind of New Years action even if my friends think I'm a dirty whore.

So yeah, first New Year without the fam. Hot.

Oops! I forgot the most important thing. Last night, the Engineer sent me a text message saying Happy New Year! SO FUCKING EXCITED. It totally just put the frosting on the cake. I plan on calling him in another couple of minutes to make plans for my return and say hey! Wee!

big girls don't cry.

Either that's total bullshit or I'm not as grown-up as I thought I was. I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry right now. Instead I'm tearing up as I write this, dreading the morning. I feel like everything is crashing down around me and I can't do anything to stop it.

I'm a control freak. But not in an overt way - I don't want to control other people. I only want to control myself and my circumstances. And I feel like I'm losing that control. For the past 3 weeks or so I've had a rock-solid grip on my emotions and they've been very stable. I've been somewhere close to happy for a while and now I'm not really feeling that warm, fuzzy vibe anymore. Maybe it's because I just took all that birth control, which worries me, since God knows what kind of a shrewish nightmare I'll be once I'm on the pill for real. However, that's neither here nor there. I'm feeling highly emotional and I can't sleep, which is why I'm blogging at 11:51 when I should be sleeping and getting ready for work in the morning.

Work is stressing me out. I'm happy and then I'm not happy. It's just too goddamn complicated. And the thing is - I'm not unhappy about where I work, or my team, or what I'm doing. I'm mad that I don't feel integrated, appreciated, or busy. I would LOVE to hate work because I have too much on my plate or I'm there every day til 9 pm. But that's not it - I'm frustrated because I feel pressured to be someone I'm not and conform to the norm in a company where I didn't think that was going to be an issue. I don't feel like I'm being guided and there's a part of me that thinks that I just may not fit in here. Which is scary and annoying, but let me tell you - it's done wonders for knowing that I want to be an attorney.

Then boys are stressing me out. I got into a little tiff with Tech Guy tonight and I'm SO pissed at him. He's being a colossal asshole and we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night, but right now I don't know. I'm not saying one fucking word to him until he contacts me. I'm so over bullshit - I cannot deal. If that means I have to be alone for the rest of my life then so be it. Also texted The Engineer to say 'hey' and haven't heard anything back, which worries me. I thought he was genuine and kind and would tell me if he wasn't interested, but now I'm unsure and that kills me. The Statistician is looking better by the second. He makes me laugh and that's nice. I like that. I could use some laughter.

In other news, I love my gal pals out here. Blondie and MB have been fabulous and I'm so thankful that I have people to vent to, to commiserate with, and just chat to about anything and everything. I also love love love the MCM crew, who are keeping me same during this trying time. I know that everything worth having is worth fighting for, but I don't know how much longer I can dream the unattainable dream of happiness and success without seeing some progress.

working from new york.

Currently writing from the New York office of my company. It was so exciting to relive the summer I worked in Manhattan. I kind of like getting on the train and then the subway, rushing through the throngs of busy, hectic New Yorkers all trying to get to work. It's a little more formal here. Not by much, but definitely not the slacker uniforms I see over in Silicon Valley. It's kind of nice. I missed men in suits =)

I don't know if I'd want to work here permanently, though. It's much smaller than the CA office and the food choices are limited. But, I'm still loving being in New York and having that New York lifestyle. I miss the city and my friends so much, but what really shocks me is how much I miss California. I chatted up Blondie this morning and we were talking about how much we miss each other. So while I love it here and I'm excited to be back, I must be getting acclimated to California. I miss the weather for one. I also miss my familiar routine and my apartment and having privacy. It'll be nice to go back. If only I could transplant my friends and my family from NY to CA I think I'd be happy. But, apparently I can't have both. It's either one or the other.

I'm still in transition, I still don't really have a home, but I like that California is slowly starting to feel more like home. I know I'm always going to be a New York girl. As long as the people I care about the most reside on the East Coast, I'm never going to be completely at home on the West, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely I'm adjusting. It feels nice.

okay, change in plans!

Wow, so I'm super excited. One of my sorority sisters just called me because she's coming up to San Francisco to interview for a job on Monday and figured why not come and visit me tomorrow! Which excites me, because I love her and I hope she moves out here permanently! I'm even willing to give up the possibility of getting some just to hang out with her! That's right, I'm rescheduling my date with Mr. Clean (I'm calling him that because he's bald and I'm a bitch). So I'm going to try and see him sometime during the week because I know I won't be sleeping with my date tonight (I don't know if I care enough to give him a nickname at present moment) and I'm not giving up hope with him just yet. I hope he doesn't think I'm blowing him off because I'm not interested. Hmm. We'll see.

So yeah, that's what's up. I had other shit to say, but I don't feel like it right now.

Okay, bye!

--CJ