vacation!

I am so freaking happy! Today is my last day at work before my four day weekend. I have a ton of random shit I need to get done, both at work and for the lake trip. I'm steadily going through my list, and I think I'll be able to really get shit done. I have a 2:30pm Brazilian appointment and a treatment in the evening, but hopefully I have time to shop and get some outfits before then. Shopping for this trip has been a struggle and I'm sure I'm not going to be as attractive as I want to, but I'll live. It's not like this boy has never seen me before and to be honest, I have this feeling that absolutely nothing is going to happen anyway. Except I'll probably do something to make a fool of myself, because that is my life. All day. Every day. #foreveralone

Tomorrow I have the day off and I plan on going to the Gold Club (a strip club in SF) for $5 fried chicken buffet lunch with AP! Cannot wait. Of course, this is only a reward if I actually clean and pack before tomorrow at 9:30am. Wish me luck! I swear - this will be the day that I don't leave packing to the last minute!

Happy Labor Day, ya'll!

looks like i'm going to be in SF...

I heard back from the rotation program this afternoon and I didn't get my choice. Part of me is sad about it, part of me thinks I should've applied for the Dublin Events role, even though I really have no desire to be in Dublin or do a job that I essentially already do. A larger part of me, though, is okay with it. I often try to stamp my emotions down or deny them, but I haven't really thought much about not getting it since I've found out. I feel at peace, which is weird for me. I believe in a higher power and that things do (and don't) happen for a reason. So I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be where I'm supposed to be.

That said. Holy shit. I have a European month-long adventure to plan! I'm so excited about the prospect of a vacation, but I'm also incredibly nervous about planning one. I've never really been abroad by myself and certainly not for 30 days. I hope I don't drive myself crazy, but I really, really want to do this, even though it's terrifying. I think it'll be good for me. Also, it means no work for 30 days. HOLLER.

Lastly, I'm kind of happy I'll be in SF for those two months. I have NO events (shocking, right?!), which means I can take some time to focus on me. Working out, eating better, living it up with my friends, and exploring some of my new interests (I'm thinking of taking a 6 week burlesque course AND I want to get into football/rugby this season). I love my life in SF and I'll get a chance to live it. Looking forward to seeing what comes down the pike!

losing my motivation.

I am so frustrated with life and work right now. I really need a vacation and a break. I also really need the freaking HR department at my job to let me know what my life is going to be for the next three months. Am I going to London? Am I not? I need to know!!! Seriously. I just want to be able to plan my life. I get antsy when I have too much uncertainty.

Life Coach sent me an email about a girl who quit working at my company to explore what she wanted to do, and I'm not going to lie, it sounded amazing. I know that this is just a phase and that it mostly is because I'm working on things that don't interest me, but I'm bored. I have two events I'm working on right now, but one of them I've done for 3 years and the other is kind of lame. I need a challenge! I'm ready to shake things up.

I guess I should be happy that I'm going away this Friday. I think the weekend is going to be really nice and I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of town and hanging out by a lake all weekend. Plus, I really like Life Coach, her bf, and their friends. It'll be cool to chill with them, drink all day, relax, and eat good food that I don't have to prepare. I just have to make it til then. God help me.

When I get back, I need to take a hard look at my career and what I want from it. Our team is going through some change right now and I think that it's the perfect time for me to reevaluate what I want and position myself to get it.

big ball of emotional weirdness.

I know my hormones are all out of whack (I have my period right now), but I just feel so full of craziness that it makes me want to SCREAM. My sleeping is a bit off, which is always true, but last night I stayed up watching She's Gotta Have It and wishing that there was a way for a woman to be fully in control of her sexuality without feeling punished for it. I just want what I want when I want it and how I want it. Is that too hard to ask?

What's on my mind? A lot of things. First off, I'm going away this weekend with Life Coach, her bf, her bf's brother and his girlfriend, a random single gay friend, and ... Secret Agent Man. So I'm stressing about that. Life Coach's bf is constantly trying to get us to have sex and as much as I want that to happen, my insecurities are making things difficult. I don't know if I think he's into me or if he's just being polite when he touches and flirts with me. I mean, he is smoking hot, he has a sexy job, and he has women throwing himself at him left and right. Why on earth would he want to hook up with me? I'm a gigantic awkward hot mess, in addition to being a complete nerd with self-esteem issues and the desire to lose like a thousand pounds. UGH. My life. So, there's planning for that. I need outfits that show off my chest and don't make my stomach/ass look too big. Problematic. Besides all of that, I need to not act crazy or weird, which is hard for me. I can already predict how this is going to go. I'm going to be drunk for four days straight and say things that are so inappropriate that I'm cringing just thinking about them. Stay tuned for Tuesday's update. It's going to be a doozy!

Also, Jersey Boy. I know how this goes. This is my usual pattern. Boy messages me on OKC. I think boy is not attractive, but he makes me laugh or I like some other part of his personality so I bite. Boy and I go on date. I charm his pants off and he pursues me wildly - daily texts, messages, emails, etc. I'm lukewarm about it, but embrace the attention.We sleep together. Boy is further enamored and keeps pursuing me because I'm amazing in bed (and so modest). Boy makes some gesture that smells like commitment to me. I act like a shady mofo and guy thinks I'm a ho. Boy steps off. I get more interested. Then I'm the one whose heart gets stomped on when I wasn't even initially interested in the first place. It's a problem. I just hate that he never contacts me anymore, but then will say stupid shit like "Why do you think I don't want to hang out with you?" I'm not even looking for relationship shit - I just want a guy to like booty call me every week. Oh well... this is where I'm at with him.

Lastly, I need to know if I'm going to London or not. Hopefully that happens this week.

Cannot wait for my life to settle itself because I'm a basketcase!

file under: things that only happen to CJ.

Jesus Lord. It has been a hell of a week. No lie. Let's see - this week I (a) initiated a booty call (b) got stuck in an elevator (c) discovered that I need to spend more time in Oakland and (d) got into a verbal altercation with a creepster at 2am at a friend's party. Shit was cray.

Wednesday night was a little bit of a shitshow. I went out with AP to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Yes, that's the name of a bar in SF. Yes, I know it's a Muppets reference. Welcome to the weird world of the Left Coast - it's a jungle of ridiculousness out here. They had $.25 wing night, so we went to eat cheap food and drink copious amounts of alcohol. After wings, tots, mozzie sticks, and 3 pitchers, I was DYING. Just to hammer that in, we had 3 pitchers of mixed drinks, not beer. One Moscow mule, two sweet tea vodka/lemonade. Ridick, but so much fun. "They're mostly ice, anyway," according to AP. I don't know about that, but we somehow powered through. It was a pretty fun time. The bar has an outdoor patio and there were actual ethnic people there instead of the usual all white SF scene. I even got hit on by the bouncer. Holla!

After all these drinks, I was feeling bold, so I texted Jersey Boy with some random bullshit about the Giants game. All of that turned into me mocking him for going to bed at 10:15pm and how he couldn't keep up with me. "Why don't you come over here and see how I keep up, wise guy." Normally, I would be coy and girly, but I've been in this NEED TO GET LAID mentality lately, so I called him on his bluff and told him that I would come over right away and see if he could stay awake. Naturally, he backpedaled, so I played the whiny "you never want to see me - just let me pick my shattered self-esteem off of the floor now and move on with my life" card. Yes, those are actual words I texted. I'm so ashamed of myself. Normally, I don't get down like that, but alcohol is one hell of a drug. He was like "Whoa whoa whoa. If you're okay with me being sleepy, then I'm all about hanging out." So for the first time ever, I make an executive decision with a man and decided that I wanted to come over so I went over.

Made it to his place, he buzzed me in, and then because I'm lazy, I got into the elevator to get to the 3rd floor. Whoops. Mistake. I get in, the doors close, I press 3 and nothing happens. Fuck me. I'm pressing every button there is and trying to get the door to open, but nothing is working. He texts me asking if I got lost, as it's been about 5 minutes since he buzzed me in. I tell him I'm stuck in the elevator and he doesn't believe me. Only me. Seriously, this shit only happens to me. Luckily, the cell still works, so he and I text back and forth for another 10 minutes trying different things to get the door open. Then he asks if there's a phone in the elevator and there is, so I dial the help number. Someone picks up and walks me through various steps to get out. None of them work. "Well, miss, I think you're going to have the pry the doors open yourself." I do this and then I'm free and Jersey Boy is waiting for me outside the elevator. He mocks me for both choosing to take the elevator and then for having superhuman strength to get the doors open and I'm mortified. I mean, first I browbeat this motherfucker to let me come see him when he's exhausted and in bed and then after an hour, I show up, break his elevator, and am a drunken mess. #thisiswhyi'msingle

We had a nice night, though. Cuddling and hooking up and him admiring my new havana twist hairstyle. Initially, he was hesitant about hooking up with me as he deemed me drunk and didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. I was pretty convincing, though. I mean, basically a few denials of drunkenness and clever uses of my tongue and hands and he was like "welllll, I guess this is okay." Men are SO easy. I could get one off in my sleep. I stayed the night and it was pleasant. We got up the next morning and he waited with me for my ride like a gentleman and we said our goodbyes. No clue what's going on with him, though, and if I'll ever see him again. I don't know if I should have that come to Jesus chat with him about what we both want this to be. I think I'll just wait until after my Labor Day weekend trip. More on that to come...

uncomfortable truths.

In an effort to keep it real on this blog, I want to explore some "uncomfortable truths" - basically what I like to call all those things about myself that nag the shit of me and make me doubt myself. I think it'll be interesting (and informative and cathartic) to talk about some the things in my life that scare the shit out of me. So here goes the top 10 list:

1. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of a complete mental breakdown, and I'm almost certain I'll have one at some point in my life.
2. I spent a good 3 years cutting myself with razors for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me.
3. I am really moody and it fucking sucks.
4. I am deathly afraid of being alone.
5. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 21 years old and I'm afraid this has informed every sad misstep of my sexual and romantic life.
6. I am so afraid of confrontation that I'd rather hurt myself than to bring up my grievances with another person.
7. I have had some sexual encounters that make me ashamed as both a feminist and someone who is super invested in sex education.
8. Being black is both a blessing and a curse and there are days when I am just so angry at the world that I don't know if I can handle being around non-black people.
9. Sometimes I wonder if I have the ability to actually grow up.
10. At the end of the day, I can be completely selfish, narcissistic, and cold. I often wonder if this is why I am single.

There you have it. All Most of the stuff I dislike about myself or that keeps me up at night. It'll be interesting exploring these issues here. I also plan to make a list of amazing things about my life that excite me because I hate only focusing on the negative. 

commitment.

I've been neglecting this blog, which makes me kind of sad. Blogging has been this insanely amazing journey for me - I've been doing it for ten freaking years! I don't think there's anything I've done for more than 10 years (besides being sarcastic and drinking copious amounts of alcohol). This is a positive. Yet, I find it hard to write anything lately. I don't know if I'm blocked or what, but I want to recommit myself to this blog. I also want to recommit myself to being a better blogger. Even when my life isn't super interesting, I feel like I have a lot going on inside my head that needs to come out. I want to write about the things that scare me. The things inside myself that are dark or uncomfortable or not so nice.

I want to leave my blood and guts on this blog because maybe it'll help me grow a little.

a weekend without lists.

As many of you may know, I am truly crazy. I have this weird OCD obsession with lists that is borderline unhealthy, but allows me to feel like I'm in perfect control of my life. Whenever people hear that I make lists, they tend to commiserate and share their list-making tendencies, but I'm a horse of a different color. I make at least 8 lists a day - I have a standard morning list and then one in the evening that includes things like 'wash face,' 'brush teeth,' and 'go to the bathroom.' Yes, I have issues. I know. My therapist and I are working on it diligently. I make lists every day, including weekends and holidays. It's a disease, but I hide it fairly well - someone once called me a "highly functioning nutjob."

In that vein, I am proud to announce that I didn't make any lists this weekend! I actually lived my life instead of crossing it off of a list! So exciting =) Friday night, I watched The Canyons with Vest and JazzGirl. OMG, it was terrible. Like the worst thing I've ever seen. I was so uncomfortable and unhappy the whole time - terrible acting, terrible script and dialogue. Jesus! I will never get those 100 minutes of my life back. I finally found something even alcohol couldn't improve. Saturday, JazzGirl and Vest joined me at Bingo (looove bingo always!). No one won, but I had fun and I've made friendly with the bartender, who gave me a free drink! Then we ate glorious food at a new dumpling place, which was so delicious. After that, we went to a going away party for SM. I still can't believe she's moving - I get so sad whenever anyone leaves San Francisco. I want everyone to stay forever and hang out with me always - haha. But, I'm happy when people move on with life and find exciting new opportunities.

Sunday was a shitshow. God. I was supposed to be good, but after sleeping in and watching Orphan Black and Orange is the New Black, I went to Fort Mason with College BFF and AP. SO much fun - picnicking, drinking, laying out in the cool SF summer. Then, we went exploring in the Marina - drinks at Campus and chatting about boys and future fun plans. We were joined by Vest (I may start calling him #butterfly if he keeps on being social like that), who encouraged us to drink more. Then we were off to Tacolicious for an amazing meal that I ate way too much of. Seriously, I felt so ill and was pretty sure I was either going to vomit or explode. AP then took us to the Triangle, where I was having none of it. I stopped drinking, which I needed in order to not die. Then home to pass out!

All in all, it was a fun weekend. The introvert in me will be recovering for weeks from this and the OCD crazy nut in me feels like she can't breathe because there was SO MUCH that didn't get done. Despite that, though, I'm really happy that I just had some fun. I don't allow myself to do that too often.

hermit-status.

I've spent the past two days interacting with almost no one. After my parents left, I really needed some alone time, so I've been working from home and doing absolutely nothing social for the past two days. It's been really nice. I need to rest and recharge after spending so much time with others. I often fear that I can never live with someone or be in a serious relationship because I get really moody and need to just be alone for stretches of time. I think I'm ready to break out of my cocoon over the weekend, though. I have plans to do the usual Saturday bingo, a going away party, and Fort Mason on Sunday. Just the right amount of socialization. I also just realized I'm not traveling until September, which is amazing. I get a month to enjoy the cold snap we've been getting here in SF. You haven't really lived until you've gone through a 58 degree August day. I love it here, though, despite all of that.

I had therapy today. We talked pretty much exclusively about my issues with men and my crippling shyness. Where I stand right now - Jersey Boy and I are having a hell of a time getting together. It's like our schedules just won't align. That equals lots of late night texts filled with innuendo. I swear to God, it's been lady blue ball city up in here. I need to get laid STAT and he doesn't come back until August 20th. The Lord is testing me... Then, there's Secret Agent Man, who frustrates me to no end. I know I should just DO something about it - like text him or tell our mutual friends that I want to jump his bones, but instead I'm doing a lot of pining. I've set some goals for myself, though, and I'm hoping to achieve them. It's just nerve-wracking not knowing what a man wants from you. I wish I could just go up to people and be like - YOU. I'd like to have sex with you, please. That would be nice. But no, instead it's coy games and waiting and forgetting and remembering and laughing and giggling and flirting and being suggestive. I mean, I like all of that stuff, but up to a point. I think I'm at that point.

Anyhow, time for me to get some dinner in my stomach. I've been eating like a small woodland creature over the past two days - nibbling at random shit. Time to make something decadently unhealthy =)

parental visit.

It was a really nice visit with my parents this time around. I feel like 3 days was the perfect amount of time - we got to do some exploring, they fixed some things around the house, and we spent quality time together without killing each other. For an introvert who needs her space like me, this was good. I'm looking forward to having my apartment and my free time back.

My parents don't really like to do the touristy things, so we really kept that to a minimum. We walked around Golden Gate Park - did the Conservatory of Flowers and the Tea Gardens. I put my hand in the water and a gigantic fish opened its mouth and tried to devour my finger! Scary! I took them to my office to meet my work friends and we had lunch with College BFF and her mom, which was really very nice. I got some home improvement shite done, too. New shoe racks, new towel racks, and a brand spanking new shower head! I also got them to take my 7 bags of clothes to the Goodwill! I love that my parents are super useful - it makes visits with them even more fun.

Today, we explored Sonoma - did a couple of wineries and ate lunch in town. It was a beautiful, hot day out there and great to escape the 60 degree August of San Francisco. My parents and I gossiped a little bit about my brothers and where we think we'll be in 5 years. It's strange to see your parents' fears about your life and to talk about your siblings in an open and honest way. It was refreshing. I know my mom worries about my single-ness and my ability to find a man that's right for me. She laid it out pretty well for me. "Basically, you have two issues. One, you're incredibly intelligent and you need someone who can keep up with you. Two, you're incredibly spoiled, and you need a man that's going to be on board with that." Yup yup, all true. I'm a Long Island Princess who's too intellectual for my own good. I'm going to die alone. But, that's neither here nor there. I was just intrigued by their viewpoint of me, which is pretty accurate.

Okay, time for me to get my spoiled booty in bed. I have to work tomorrow and I have a TON of meetings. God help me! Goodnight, ya'll!

so much cleaning and prep to do.

My parents are coming to visit on Sunday AM and I am SO not ready. I worked from home today, but unfortunately I actually had a lot of work, so I'm still kind of behind. I have the cleaners and laundry people coming today, but my bedroom is still a hot mess. I'm trying to power through cleaning it, so the guy can at least take a stab at it, but I'm going to have to do some supplemental cleaning. Also, my closet. HOT MESS. I have to clean it all out before they get here and I'm scared it's going to take at least 12 hours. Lord help me! Luckily, I've hidden all my sex toys and books. I can't have The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women laying around!

There's also a shit ton of shopping that needs to get done, as well. Having that Arizona trip for work this week was not helpful. I am looking forward to seeing them, although I always have anxiety when I see my mother. I wonder what part of my looks/appearance she'll decide to harp on while she's here. Maybe I should take bets? When I have a daughter, I'm going to encourage her to love herself regardless of anything. I think I naturally tend toward the neurotic, but my mother certainly hasn't helped anything. BUT, this is not a therapy session, so let's move it along.

No fun will be had over the next couple of days. Boo.