inspiration, perspiration, desperation.

These three themes have taken over my life recently and it's become seriously overwhelming. If I hadn't already had my period, I'd be convinced I was PMSing. Instead, I think I'm just having a crossroads moment. Going to the 20SB Summit stirred up a lot of emotions for me and has really challenged me to think about things. That, plus the craziness going on at my job and my personal life has me freaking out.

Inspiration. Going to the summit and meeting successful bloggers really made me want to get serious about my writing. I guess it wasn't even just limited to my blogging, but more to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly happy with the current state of my job, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing what I'm meant to be doing. I think I'm getting closer and closer to finding the solution, but I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet. I know that I want to do something that ties together my planning skills, creativity, and desire not to have a normal desk job. I'd also like to have social media and tech be a part of it. So I'm working on that. I was also inspired this part Monday after attending a workshop for FemSexComm, a workshop on female sexuality that's getting started in San Francisco. I miss the sex-positive world and exploring issues of sex and sexuality. I think I want that to be part of my work, but obvs that ain't happening at my current job. So I'm thinking about potential side ventures to get me immersed in that world. More to come on that.

Perspiration. I am really working hard right now. After weeks of slacking, I'm picking it back up and hitting the ground running. I have two huge events coming up in September and I'm managing another major project for my manager, so I am really feeling stretched thin. I like it - it's enjoyable work and it feels good to be busy, but I just really want a weekend to myself, in my own apartment. It doesn't look like that's going to happen for a good, long while.

Desperation. I am so confused as to what the hell is going on with me and POP. I feel like his interest is waning or something is changing and I'm not sure what it is. I'm also tired, stressed, over-worked, and over-traveled, so I don't have as much time as I would like. I just wonder if he's busy or if I'm reading him wrong. I mean, we're supposed to hang out tonight, so I think things are okay, but I'm just desperate to know where we stand. It's not like I need any concrete "I wanna be your boyfriend" statements. But, I really would like to know how he's feeling about me and what's going on between the two of us. It's frustrating and makes me want to just hide in my room alone. Dating is just never an easy thing to do, is it? Constant struggle and back-and-forth. Oh, well. We'll see how tonight goes and what happens. I'm not terribly optimistic, though.

in which i feel like a writer.

I workshopped my screenplay last Friday and it went SO well. The class really loved it and it was so nice to write again. When I was younger, I wrote daily. I wrote poetry, short stories, and dreamed about writing. I took summer courses and really enjoyed all of the nuances of creating something people would want to read. As I got older though, something shifted in me and I just stopped writing. Until I discovered blogging when I was a freshman in college, I hadn't really written in years. Even here, it's been a struggle to keep up my enthusiasm and continue to be somewhat interesting. I'm always hyper-critical of my writing and having people read it makes me *so* nervous. People don't always understand it, but for me, writing is an intensely personal thing. Whether I'm writing poetry, a screenplay, short stories, or blog entries, every word choice, every semi-colon is me. I pour my whole soul into my writing - everything I write is a piece of me and sharing those pieces is one of the most difficult things one can do. But at the same time, I don't get much value out of writing for myself (hi, I'm a blogger!). Writing is meant to be shared, discussed, criticized, torn apart. However, the downside of this is when you identify so personally with your medium, the criticism can feel intensely personal.

I keep a journal for my eyes only, but it's mainly to chronicle those feelings/experiences that I don't feel comfortable sharing in this space. And honestly, the only reason I don't post those things here is because the majority of you know who I am.

But, anyhow, the point of this whole entry is that on Friday, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated as a writer. It makes me want to write for serious. To find a way to get myself out there. I think the saddest thing for me is that I know when I die, and when all those people who knew me die, there will be nothing left of me in the world. Writing is a way to leave a piece of your soul behind. I want to leave a piece of my soul behind. The written word is one of the most powerful things on this earth and I long to master it. How to do this, I have no clue, but I'm going to try.

not really much to say...

So yeah, my life was in shambles in the beginning of this week but I'm kind of over it and there's nothing left to do but move on and learn something. So that's what I'm going to do. This isn't the end of the world, and in the long run, I think I'll probably be okay with what happened at least on a fundamental level. I probably wouldn't have enjoyed living in that place and the lack of paperwork or any normal contact with that landlord would've been a problem. I shouldn't have done what I did - it was shitty and unfair to everyone else involved, but I did it and I'm sorry about it and now I have to just move on. So that is that.

I'm trying to start my life here, but it's hard without a true home base, so for now, I'll have to try and make something out of what I'm working with. That's really the only thing to do. I signed up for a screenwriting class at work. I'm SO nervous. I cannot think of what I would write a screenplay about, but you can bet I'll be thinking long and hard before class next week. Any ideas?? Thus far, I've got pretty much nothing. I think I'd be better at novel writing than screenplays, but I figured it was a good way to meet people and a good way to start working on my writing, since I've been neglecting the blog lately. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Tech Guy gets back from Europe today. I don't know how I feel about that. We've been in fairly regular contact despite his lack of a computer. He sends me pictures and notes at least 4 times a week and we've had some IM chats. I don't know if I miss him, like I did at first, but it will be nice to see what the nature of our "relationship" is now that he's back in the States. Obviously, with no apartment, he's not going to be able to visit until August. So we'll see what happens. I just want to meet someone that makes me stop in my tracks. Is that so difficult?