please lord jesus...

... grant me the strength to get some work done this week or my ass is going to be fired! I am so far behind and I didn't do *anything* this weekend. I need to get my shit together before I have a panic attack.

Okay, just needed to get that out there. Carry on!

i think i can, i think i can.

Work is heating up like crazy. I ended up canceling my trainer AND my black event tonight because I just couldn't handle the weight of the stress on my shoulders. I don't know why, but things just blew up today. Wednesdays are notoriously awful, mostly because I have back-to-back-to-back meetings that render me useless for the day. Add in my doctor's appointment and I was fucked from the jump. So much work is piling up on me. On the one hand, I'm excited, because I thrive when I'm crazy busy. On the other hand, I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME, so it's not like I really want to be burning the candle at both ends right now. Tonight is going to be a looooong night. I have a million things to get done for work - spreadsheets to compile, menus to thumb through, and websites to update. To top it off, I need to look smoking hot for my lunch date with POP tomorrow, which means lots of trying on outfits and twisting up my hair. Normally I go to work in a look that screams "crazy bag lady." Tomorrow I have to look like the event planning professional I am. Blerg.

I wish I didn't have to do anything but get mani/pedis and read books all day. That would really be the life.

i'm sure you'd like some insight into other parts of my life.

Just to refute the commonly held notion that all I do is talk about boys, I figured I should do a little work update. Oh, work. I don't really know where to begin. I go through so many highs and so many lows. In general, I love what I'm doing. It's new, it uses my skill set more, it's fun - but it's also stressful and it makes me doubt myself all the time. I don't really think of myself as being a particularly creative person. I think I used to be, back when I wrote all the time and let my imagination run wild. Now, I'm more of a 'Virgo' personality and I'm very detail-oriented and organized, but I doubt my creative side a lot. It hasn't been much of an issue yet, because my job is still very procedural and administrative. Since I work on my manager's large-scale events, I don't really get to be creative. No one is trusting me with the creative vision for a $5 million event (nor should they).

I worry that since I'm not exercising those creative muscles, when I'm finally asked to do so, I'm going to fail. I'm afraid my taste will be off-brand and that my events will suck. So I stress out about work all the time and get so nervous. I was asked to do this event for a teammate who was busy and I could feel myself hyperventilating thinking about having to be creative. It ended up getting scrapped, so it doesn't matter, but I can't freak out every time I get asked to do an event on my own! I need to find a way to get over this anxiety. Right now, since I don't have much control over my actual job, I've decided to just volunteer like crazy for other events. I told someone I'd want to help out with the San Francisco office events. I'm looking into doing PR and Marketing for the sorority. Basically, I'm never going to learn until I do and if I can't make it happen 9-5, I'm going to have to make it happen outside of those hours. I know I can do this job and I know I'll be good at it, but I need to face my fears about creativity.

On the plus side, I love the process aspect of things! I'm working on a complete rebrand of our team, starting with our logo, website, and event process. I'm loving it. I get to set up meetings, drive, and lead the process. I can organize what we do and how we do it and delegate tasks to people. I am in heaven on this project since it uses my mad organizing skillz, and it's creative enough to make me feel like I'm growing, but not too much so I don't feel like I have to reinvent the wheel to be successful. Totally my ideal project. I wonder if I'll ever really feel like I've hit my stride in terms of the work I do. I'm happy I moved over to Events because I think it's a step closer to where I want to be, but I'm still not sure what my end destination will be.

people at work are trying my nerves.

I will say one thing about the life of an event planner - people get on your last fucking nerve. I don't even think I can handle them anymore. I would be perfectly content to work on my own, in a little box, without having to rely on anyone for anything. I know that's not the nature of my job, but it's been hard getting used to it. Back in HR, I was the one responsible for my tasks. If something went wrong, it was usually my own ignorance and not because someone didn't reply to an email or understand how to do their job. Now, there are so many moving parts, that it's not enough for YOU to be competent - everyone has to be.

I got an email last night that set me on edge. I don't really have a temper. In general, I'm pretty mild-mannered in the sense that I don't fight with people or explode with anger. I tend to worry a lot, but I don't usually let people take me to the "bad place." Last night, that all ended. This stupid ass motherfucking admin (sorry for the language) sent me what I consider to be the rudest email I've ever received from a co-worker. I've received a ton of shitty emails from engineers in my last role, but none of them bothered me in this way because it was the first time someone has taken out their frustrations with policy on me as a messenger. I told homeboy that we couldn't invite this person to our conference unless we had SVP approval because registration is closed and we are so overbooked that we may have fire code violation issues. He went HAM on me - sent me this scathing email and then tried to play it off like - "oh, but I know you're just doing your job." Listen, you asswipe, if you know I'm doing my job then why did you spend 3 paragraphs raking me over the coals. Punk ass bitch. Oh my goodness, I was so mad.

I wanted to write some nasty words back, but instead I wrote something slightly snarky yet benign. I wanted to show him that it is NOT okay to write people messages like that - I don't care who you support or how bad your day was, don't you dare come at me with that foolishness. He should've known better and acted correctly. I think I was most bothered by the fact that he's an admin and knows that sometimes senior management makes these decisions and leaves them to us to enforce them. I don't give a flying fuck who attends the conference - I'm just doing my job and telling you what the SVP told me to say. Don't get it twisted. That, plus of course homeboy was black and I'm not saying that he should've shown me preferential treatment or that if I hadn't been doing my job he shouldn't have yelled at me - if that were the case, he should have. But seriously, we are 2 of about 10 black people at our company and you're going to give me shit like that?! This is why we can't have anything nice as black people - we're too busy being evil to each other.

ANYWAY. I was proud that I stood up for myself and wrote him back an email that was firm, but not harsh. It felt good to assert myself and not just do what I would normally do - apologize profusely. He didn't write me back AND when he had another question about the conference, he asked someone else! Haha - love scaring people. It is so much fun. He better watch out, though - if I see him at the conference, I'm going to give him the look of death. I don't like people playin' on my phone email!

why do i procrastinate?

Why oh why do I always wait til the last minute to do everything? Ughhh I'm going to be up forever tonight, so of course I figure I should blog instead of doing the work I'm supposed to be doing. I may even read a magazine after I finish this. I think my procrastination stems from a combination of laziness and fear. I hate doing things that make me feel uncomfortable or vulnerable. Unfortunately, this new job has caused me to have to do several of these types of things on a regular basis. I enjoy the tasks, but I'm also frightened of the judgment. Being an event planner means your taste is scrutinized ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it can feel like a personal attack when someone doesn't like the pen you pick our or the couches you've selected for your event. One of the things I'm learning is to go outside of myself with every task I complete. I have to remember that I'm planning an event for a certain type of person, a type of person that may have no relation or similarity to who I am. As such, I can't be so damn sensitive when they make suggestions for change. Instead, I have to tackle each problem as though I was inside the head of the audience. I have to anticipate what they would like and what they would find fun, all while reflecting the company brand. It's actually really interesting when I think about it that way, but it's still frustrating.

Unfortunately, instead of doing this thinking over the past couple of weeks, I've saved it til tonight. I have a 10am meeting where I have to present my floor plan and decor choices. Ugh, let's hope my penchant for late-night work and bullshitting helps me out here... Wish me luck!

insecurity.

Now that I've decided to spend the next couple of weeks (months, years?) focusing on my own  self-improvement, I've been trying to determine what I should focus on. Of course, I really just want to work on everything because that's the kind of person I am. I just assume if I set HUGE goals, then maybe I'll be able to hit a bunch of small ones.

My job is one area where I'm feeling a little panicked. Let me preface by saying that I love my new job. I think the work is interesting and I get a lot of enjoyment around it. However, my paralyzing self-doubt and the somewhat unique work environment are a little less pleasing. I just sometimes wonder if I'll ever be good at this and if I'll ever fit in with the team. I'm planning my first event and there is just so much that I don't know. I ask a lot of questions (most of which I'm assuming are pretty damn stupid) and I freak out over every little detail. I've spent the past 2 weeks panicking about what pen to give out! I know all of this stuff sounds trivial, but it's the reality of my new life. I just wonder if I have good taste. Do I have an eye for this business, will I make good choices and wow my team? I feel like this event is my chance to really impress people and I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm afraid that I'll ask too many questions and need to be guided so much that they'll never give me anything to do on my own again.

Luckily, this year is pretty much mapped out. I know what events I'm working on and have a sense of my schedule for the next 9 months, but I'm always looking ahead and hoping that next year I'll get more chances to flex my creative muscle. Problem is, I just don't feel very creative. I've always been so much less sure of myself when it comes to creativity. I know, deep down, that I have it - I love writing and I have a vivid imagination, but I always feel like it's amateur hour. I need to find a way to get over that. To trust my instincts more. I know that switching industries is a big fucking deal and that it will take some time for me to learn things. I just want to feel educated now.

To make matters worse, the work environment here is so much different than my old team. There are more cliques, less openness and I still feel as though I don't really have many connections (with the exception of L, who is awesome). I just want to feel connected to people, to feel like I have friends. Instead of being the reject new girl. Having a social outlet at work is something that's important to me and if I can't find it on my team, I guess I'll have to look outside to find it. It really makes me miss my old HR friends even more.

Here's hoping that by 2012 I feel like a real event planner instead of a sham.

one month.

Work has been stressing me out lately, so I figure it's time to take it to the blog! I don't really like talking about my job on the interwebs because I'm always crazy afraid that they'll find this blog and I'll be fired. Granted, from working in HR, I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I've never mentioned my company on here (although I'm sure most of you either know or can guess where I work) and I never talk about our products, services, or policies. The stress is getting to me, though, so it's time to post.

First off, I'm really happy I am not in my old role. Like ecstatically happy - you have no idea. Whenever I get an email about something I used to do or hear my former colleagues talk about drama, I get the widest smile on my face because I am done with that craziness. However, there are some things I miss so much. First off, I miss actually having meaningful work to do and a lot of it. I enjoy all of the tasks I've been given, but there just haven't been enough of them. I know I should take the downtime and just chill out, but when everyone else is running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I feel guilty being in a lull. I've started begging for work, which I'm sure will blow up in my face, but hey - I need to be busy. This is the career field I think I want to be in for the rest of my life and I'm itching to get to know more about it. I've also gotten feedback in the past about how I'm not good with the transition over to a new team. How sometimes people don't know what I'm working on. So I'm trying to make sure my boss knows what I'm working on and knows that I have the bandwidth to get more done. I did hear her talking on the phone to our teammate in Atlanta about me doing 20% of my time on her events. That would be amazing and maybe I could even travel a bit! The fact is, when I don't have enough work, I get super lazy. I take weeks to do tasks that should take a second and I daydream more. It's not good.

The second issue is team dynamic. I love my old team like whoa. They know me super well - what my likes and dislikes are, how my love life is progressing, and how much of a lush I am. We would always go get lunch together, accompany each other on errands, and party on the weekends/evenings. They became my friends and they're still my good friends - from New York down to the South Bay. We still talk and ping and chat all the time. I haven't made those bonds on the new team and it just seems like that's not the vibe they have. People do their own thing. Luckily, one of my coworkers feels like me and we've already chatted about how much we hate that no one seems to do anything together. So at least I have one friend in the office that I can get along with. Thank goodness for small mercies, I suppose. Also, since the SF office is new to me, I don't know anyone here outside of my team, so it gets kind of lonely. I'm going to try and get involved with an organization here that focuses on the diverse committees here. Since the office is small, each ethnic/special interest group can't really support their own group, so there's one big one, dedicated to diversity of all forms. Hopefully that'll gain me some new friends.

Anyway, just felt like venting. I know most of this stuff will be okay in the end - I'll get more work and I'll eventually find a niche of people to chill with - I just need to vent about the shitty aspects now. Any kind of change is painful, I know that, but I'm really impatient for things to get settled.

paralyzing fear.

I am terrified of my new job. Yes, yes I am. I haven't been asked to do anything particularly challenging yet, but I'm still so scared that I can't do this. These past two days have been a whirlwind of activity and information. It's like my first boss told me, "The first few days at this company are going to be like drinking out of a firehose." Well, this job is no different - I'm being inundated by information and I'm drowning.

On the bright side, I don't think I made the wrong decision to switch career fields. I am genuinely interested in events and I think what we do is so amazing. During our team meeting today, we had a vendor come in and show us some information and I was mesmerized by it. Anyone who's ever worked with me knows that I hate meetings. Cannot stand them - I'm always doing something else or not focusing - so the fact that I was able to sit through an hour without wanting to fall asleep was truly miraculous. So I know I'll be engaged with the work - I'm just doubting my actual abilities. 

I'm super shy and I feel like I'm creative, but not in the way that other people are and I just hope I have the gumption to stand up and give my ideas. Hell, I hope I have ideas to give! I think it's going to take a while for me to feel comfortable speaking up, but I need to do it. At least in some way. I know that I don't know anything about events, but that doesn't mean that I can't research and work hard and get ideas and then share them. I think it's just going to take a little bit of time for me to get there, but I want to push myself because I think this job will be good for me in the long run.

I'm not sure what brought the freakout moment on. Maybe it's just the typical twenty-something habit of examining your life and your career and yourself and coming up short. Not feeling 100% in control of your destiny at all times. I think it's normal and healthy for me to be scared, but I need to make sure I don't let the fear overwhelm me. I am intelligent. I am ambitious. I am hard-working. I can do this. 

the new girl.

So I'm the new girl again. New job, new office, and a new team. I always feel slightly silly when I'm in this position, which I usually am, since I'm such a big fan of change. You'd think I would have gotten less awkward by now. I spent a lot of the day meandering. Trying to find the bathroom and the cafe. Then trying to remember where I had found the bathroom and the cafe. I also had a real amateur hour move this evening when I got home from work. I took the bus in, but elected to take the N train back home. And then after I got off the N and ate some dinner, I proceeded to walk in the wrong direction not once, but TWICE. Jesus, I'm such a n00b. It's not like I've lived here for 5 months or anything (or those 9 additional months back in 2007-2008). I need to step my game up.

I'm also exhausted as fuck. Mostly a combination of going to bed wayyy later than I should've last night and just all the new stuff being thrown at me today. I wanted to write, though, since I've been neglecting this little corner of the web more and more lately. It's important to me to keep this shit up! I didn't go into overdrive with blogging a few months ago to just let it all drag now. Mind you, I'm not writing about anything particularly interesting tonight, but I'm writing god damnit! =)

Today was the standard first day - spent all my time with L, who started about a month ago and is showing me the ropes. I like her a lot - she's friendly and easy-going and I think we're going to get along well. We both want to be friends with our co-workers and wish people chatted more. This bodes well for our friendship. Plus, it was only day 1 and we've begun gossiping. All excellent signs. A lot of the team was missing today, due to an event, so I'm sure I'll meet more people later in the week.

I'm ridiculously excited about the work I'll get to do. About half of it will be administrative shit - managing our team's budget, helping with swag orders, creating a bi-weekly newsletter for the team. Then the other half will be event management for two of our biggest events - one external, one internal. I am super excited! Especially since the external one is probably the biggest event we do and I'll get to travel and hobnob with our CEO, founders, and various famous peeps who show up. Note: I will probably be doing less hobnobbing and more open-mouth gaping in between freakouts over whether or not I'm doing my job correctly, but I can dream...

Anyway, I need to go to bed before I pass out. Goodnight, loves!

holy crap! tomorrow is it!

I start my first day on the Events team tomorrow. OMG I'm so nervous I could scream! The boyfriend had to go into work today unexpectedly, so I was able to get a ton of shit done. I have new, cute clothing to reflect the fact that I am no longer working with engineers. It's kind of bittersweet, actually. On the one hand, I relish never again being told that someone would rather have a fork in their eye than help me out. On the other hand, though, I miss the lovable charm of most engineers. Instead, I'm going to be working in the SF office, which I imagine is just as stylish and full of pretty people as the NYC office. Which means I need to step my game up considerably. I have no idea what I'll be doing tomorrow, but I know I won't be on a shuttle for 3 hours, so that's a plus.

I think I'm finally starting to get my life together. I've made a bunch of doctor's appointments to get myself checked up, in addition to finding a therapist and a new psychic. Next on the list is going through the nightmare that is getting an IUD. I've been starting to get crazy paranoid about sex and pregnancy now that I'm getting laid on the regs. This is a long overdue task, but maybe I've finally accepted that I'm in a relationship and I need to be more aggressive about my sexual health. In that vein, I'm also looking into taking some sex ed classes at the SFSI in March and I registered for a sex workshop at Good Vibrations. I feel like a busy little bee again!

Anyhow, I need to cook myself some dinner and get to bed early for work tomorrow! I'm sure I'll have a ton of updates and first impressions for ya'll tomorrow!

umm, i think i'm going to love my new job.

The countdown to my new life in event planning is beginning. Two more work days (five calendar days) and I will have a new job title, team, and office location. Today, I received my first email relating to my new position. It was from a hotel vendor, introducing herself to me and our team's admin, and asking us to help her plan a date for a happy hour for our team. Apparently they want to say 'thanks' for our business. Pretty frickin' sweet! Happy hours and events and conferences and tech demos - I am super fucking excited about this job. It sounds like even though it's going to be a *ton* of work, it's going to be pretty boss. I cannot wait to begin. I love my current team, but I am having a hard time being motivated to do any work. I keep wanting to run for the hills.Of course, I'm nervous about the typical things - will I  have friends on the team? Will the cool kids ask me to go to lunch with them? Will I come across as a bumbling idiot as I learn the ropes? But in general, I'm just really jazzed not to be doing what I currently do. Thank Jesus!

I've been a bad blogger lately, but that will change soon --- just not tonight. Tonight I have a date with my boyfriend, to watch Walking Dead and snuggle on my couch. I'm also feeling pretty festive tonight, so I've decided to get all dressed up in my sexiest sleepwear to be all the more distracting. I may not be willing/able to cook, clean, or take care of men, but I have plenty of other skillz. Sometimes I like to think I worked in an upscale brothel in a past life. Yes, I am strange. Get over it. Anyway, off to clean my place!

zomg new job!

Quick update because I'm super behind on life! I got the job! I am going to be the new Marketing Events Administrator, helping with some of the major events at my company. I'm starting from the bottom, but I'm going to work my way up and it's going to be awesome. I get to move over to the San Francisco office, which means a shorter commute with less stress. Plus, I'm going to get to do something I've always wanted to do - event planning. I'm so frickin' excited! I'm sad to leave my team because I love them to death, but I'm really happy to have this new opportunity! YAY!

Okay, that's all!

i'm almost there!

I just realized I never posted about the job updates that are happening right now. First of all, I'm super excited to say that the Marketing Events team likes me and I'm advancing to the next round (I love how that makes it sound like a competitive sport or something). Basically, this means hiring committee has to review me and determine if I sound like I could do the job or if I'm a reject. I'm a little nervous because this particular hiring committee has some bigwigs on it, like people you read about on teh interwebs. I'm terrified to think that these big time tech folks are going to be judging me and could potentially find me lacking.

That's not the real fear, though. My real fear is that they'll downlevel me or that my pay will change. Basically, they tell you when you apply that there's a chance you compensation could go down. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen, although I've prepped for that. The real issue is down-leveling. I don't think I've blogged too much about my job struggles, but long story short - it took me a *long* time to get promoted and it was long overdue when it happened. Mostly a combination of shitty timing, the rotation program I was in, and a manager that has since been fired. So to go back would be a deal-breaker for me. Since I'm starting a new career, though, I think that they could argue for it. I just don't know. I suppose there's nothing to do but wait to see if I get the damn job first, and then what comp comes back with in terms of an offer. Blarg. Annoying. But, anyhow - yay! They like me! They want me! Now the higher-ups just need to decide they like me, too.

In other news, I had a nice night in with my boyfriend last night and I'm slowly but surely starting to eradicate the fears I have about our relationship. More on that later =)

back to reality.

It's my last few days at home and I'm painfully aware that pretty soon I'll be going back to reality - home to San Francisco and back to work. I've been finding it pretty hard lately to figure out my next moves all because I have no idea what's going on with this new job I interviewed for. I hate living in limbo - I like to always be planning my next move, but that's impossible since everything is up in the air. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately and what I want to do with myself. I'm super scared that if I don't get this job, I'm just going to become complacent and not focus on trying to improve my career. I can get easily discouraged sometimes, especially when there are some setbacks. I know that eventually I'll pick myself up and find my path, but I worry about how long that will take.

I mean, the fact of the matter is this: I'm not satisfied with my career at all. I know this because I felt strongly enough to search for another opportunity. So if said opportunity doesn't work out, I just don't see how I'm going to be happy staying where I am, even though I told my manager that I would be. I mean, what becomes of me then? I've always been excited to work. I've wanted to have a career for the longest time - when I was a kid I wanted to be a teacher, then a psychologist, then a lawyer, and now that that dream is gone, I'm not sure what I want to do. However, I know that I want something meaningful and fulfilling. While I dream of having a family someday, I must admit that my dreams of having a career have always been stronger. So if I lose that, I'm not sure what more I'll really have.

Problem is - I've always been a Jill of all trades, master of none. I'm pretty good at a lot of different things, but there hasn't ever really been one solid thing that I think I could excel at. To be quite honest, I'm sort of hoping I get to have a myriad of jobs over my lifetime. I want the 'big city' type career (ie. event planning, social media, marketing), but then at some point I'd love to move to some remote part of the country and run an inn or a small bed and breakfast. There are so many different things I'd like to try my hand at, but I need some sort of concrete path to get started.

I'm hoping over the next month or so that I can figure my shit out and at least have a goal. From there we'll see where life takes me.

what do i want to be when i grow up?

This question has been haunting me for a long time. There are so many answers and so many aspects - do I want to be a wife? A mother? Thinner? Bigger? More mature? Lately, though, I've been thinking about it in the traditional sense of what kind of a career do I want. This has lead to a lot of soul-searching and ultimately the decision to look into another job at my company. The best thing about working for such a large corporation is that there is a lot of opportunity for movement internally. The company has already seen what you can do, invested in your growth, so they're more likely to let you do things you don't have the experience to do.

I've refrained from talking about it since I know some coworkers have my blog address. It's still a secret to most and I want to keep it that way, but I'm pretty positive that only one person reads this that I work with (hi gremlin!) so I'm just going to come out with it. I'm interviewing tomorrow for an internal position on the Marketing Events team. This is something I think I'd be super passionate about and really good at. I'm looking forward to doing something new, but I'm so incredibly terrified that I won't get the position and all this will be for naught.

Anyhow, more details tomorrow, but wish me luck!

i'm feeling like i'm in a bit of a rut.

Even though I just moved and things are crazy and new and exciting and everything, I feel so incredibly restless. I don't know why. It's probably just in my nature, but I feel like I'm not doing the thing I'm supposed to be doing. I'm okay with where most of my life stands right now, but I'm frustrated about my career and my life goals. I always thought I would have a career, instead of a job. I did want family and a husband and all those things, but let's face it - if I'm 100% honest with myself, the thing I want most in life is to do meaningful work. I'm a worker bee - it is who I am. So I'm doing a lot of work now, but it's not what I'm truly passionate about. There are aspects of my job that I absolutely adore - I love project management and handling the complex needs of engineers and my team is fucking amazing. I also have a bomb ass manager, and yet, I'm not really satisfied with everything. I know I'm going to get even more restless if I don't make a change. The problem is I have no idea what I want to do with myself.

I've always been a girl with a plan. Always. Ask me how many lists I make daily, how many spreadsheets and docs I have with all my goals, hopes, dreams. Then everything changed once I decided I didn't want to be an attorney anymore. Now I have no life dream to work towards. I think I've decided that I don't want to work in a traditional corporate environment (not that I'm working in one now... shit is crazy at my job all the time and Silicon Valley isn't exactly your typical workplace). I also want to work for myself - I want to pour all of me into my job, but only if it's something that I own. I want to set my own hours and work the way that's best for me. As far as my interests, this is where I have the issue. I like so many different things - issues around sex and sexuality, feminism, writing, blogging, technology and social media, event planning. ARG. It's exhausting trying to figure out what to pursue. That and I actually want to be able to afford the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed, so it means half the things I want to do are financially not up my alley. I just wish I had a goal to work towards, something that I could sketch out and dream about and put my blood, sweat, and tears into. I'm fairly confident I'll find it someday, but in the meantime this ambiguity is driving me nuts.

i need a personal day.

Too bad I'm not getting one anytime soon. I'm so frickin exhausted and I was at work for 13 hours plus my 2 hour commute. Kill me in the face, please. I've decided in protest to come in at 11am tomorrow and still leave at my usual early time. Yay!

In good news, The Blexican texted me today. He invited me to a BBQ and movie night at a friends' place. I'm super excited, but incredibly nervous. I mean, I'll be meeting his friends and people he cares about. I'm just not used to that happening quite so quickly. You all should know by now that I *love* keeping my love life and my friendships separate. Although, I guess I have gotten used to blending them by inviting TG to things. It's just strange to meet friends so soon into the dating situation, but I think it'll be a good time. You really get a sense for a person when you see the kinds of people they choose to hang around. I'm looking forward to it. Although, I think it might ruin my chances of getting some hook-up time. I mean, I don't want to have sex with him because I think I'd be better served waiting, which is something I've never really tried doing. A kiss would be nice, though. Something to show me that he's actually interested in me as a woman and not just in my awesome conversational skills.

Anyhow, I need to get cracking - have some work to do before bedtime. Just thought I'd pop in quickly =)

day 1 in the new office!

Ahhh! Today is my first day in the CA office and I'm super excited! Unbelievably, I woke up at 5:15am to get ready for my 6:30am shuttle. Granted, I did go to sleep at 9:45pm like a gigantic loser, but it felt nice to be up early before the sunrise and in the office by 7:30am. It's not even noon and I've been tremendously productive - the desk is all set up, e-mail has been gone through, and my calendar is set. I feel so settled. I've missed this place - there's something magical about Mountain View. I love seeing all the signs for clubs and activities and neat things like that. Hopefully I can make some new friends. I also did my laundry this morning at work, which was awesome. Love free laundry! I don't think I'll even miss not having a washer/dryer in my apartment building.

The sun is shining here, it's an absolutely beautiful day and everyone's so friendly. Seriously, two guys have smiled at me today and asked me how I'm doing. People don't do that in New York! I'm still getting used to it. I'm notoriously shy and always demurely look down whenever I pass anyone in the hall. Sometimes I think it's a remnant from a past life or something, but I'm working to become more outgoing. I'm looking forward to getting to know my team and bonding with them. We're going to see Eat, Pray, Love tomorrow and then indoor skydiving on Wednesday. I'm insanely excited. Life seems to be picking up and I'm so glad. I really do think I'm going to like this new adult life that I've created for myself.

I still want to get shitfaced on a regular basis, though... haha. I need to start working on *that* portion of my life. I did almost get high on Saturday, but alas, I was thwarted. Oh, well - this weekend is a Wedding Weekend, so I'm sure I'll get my fill of drunken craziness then. =)

validation.

I'm writing from home this weekend - decided to spend the weekend with my family since I'm going to be gone for the next 3 weekends. I've been crazy tired lately, so a restful weekend is just what I need. Although, I'm super pissed that I'm missing the Mock Trial reunion shindig happening at The Banker's this weekend. You all should know how I feel about Mock Trial - love it and I miss those kids like whoa. Oh well, another time.

Friday was an amazing, amazing day! I'm actually starting to feel like I made the right choice in regards to law school and my potential career changes. I went into my one-on-one with my manager to talk about some stuff and she basically told me that I'm doing really well and that I shouldn't be worried about promotion. I'm not going to say any more than that, but I think I understood what she meant and it's about time! When I asked her if I could set up some time to talk more about career development she seemed really pleased and so I'm excited that we'll have those conversations next week!

I'm going to talk to her about transferring back to California. I really do think it's time. I lived in NYC for two years and while I'm going to miss it like crazy and miss the proximity to my family, right now I've decided that I want to hitch my wagon to this crazy, wonderful company I work for. In order to do that, I really need to be at headquarters, regardless of what that means for my personal life. Everything that happened on Friday - the good news from corporate and the good news from my manager - leads me to believe that this is the right choice for me. I'm nervous, not so much about life in SF - I mean, some of my favorite people live there and I imagine I will fall back into a lot of the old social patterns I had - but just about my career path and living alone and all of that. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, but I know that the decisions I'm making now are setting me on a path to long-term future happiness. It's a scary, yet exhilarating time. Cannot wait to see what happens in the next 9 months.

never have a sinus infection.

Apparently they make you feel like you're having a toothache, which makes me feel like killing myself. I also spent all morning in the dentist's office for naught. Does anyone actually say 'for naught?' I guess I do - haha. Apparently, I have a sinus infection and not a cavity or a tooth problem. Fuck me. It's still painful, regardless off what's causing it.

I keep having these thoughts. I probably shouldn't share them, but I'm high on pain. I'm disillusioned with becoming a lawyer and I'm thinking of moving in September. I don't know why this is flooding out now, but it is. I wonder if I ever really did want to be a lawyer. Maybe, maybe not. Ironically enough, it seems like that would be the easy thing to do - going to law school. The harder thing to do would be to figure out what it is I want and how I can make money doing it. Depending on how that goes, the whole moving thing will play a role. This city has gotten to expensive for me and I can't imagine paying what I pay to rent forever. I'm not itching to own a house or anything, but it feels like I'm pissing money away. I don't feel independent here either, which is a problem. I don't even feel dependent in a good way (if that makes sense) - just bleh. So we'll see. I'm sure my parents will love to hear that I'm contemplating yet another cross-country move. I probably won't tell them until the details are finalized.

So yeah, that's where I am right now. Once the blinding pain goes away maybe I'll be coherent again.