could you have found a MAN?!?!?!

That lovely quote comes from my BFF and partner in crime, also known as College BFF. She is hands-down my favorite person to talk about dating with, because she's one of the few women in my life who shares my outlook and experiences with men. We're both bourgie black chicks with ridiculous personalities and unconventional ideas about relationships. There's never any judgment between us ever and I know she just gets me - she understands how hard it is to reconcile yourself to the fact that you may not live the life that every little girl thinks she will.

I told her about The Blexican and his dating approach and we both agreed that I'm not dealing with the typical manchild, dating-challenged asshole that I usually run after. It's possible that I just might be dating a man, a real live man. Someone who's not afraid to show interest, but isn't a creepster about it, who knows what he wants and doesn't think he has to ignore a woman to hold her interest. Honestly, it's incredibly refreshing. I've also noticed that not only am I dating a man, but I'm acting more like a woman in my relationships. I'm becoming more mature. I'm letting go and allowing things to happen - I'm not stressing out about anything, but taking it as it comes. For the first time in a long time, I'm trusting the universe to carry me to where I need to be when it comes to men. I'm enjoying it - I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I don't want to play games and I don't want to be with anyone that wants to do that either. I just want to feel comfortable and be myself.

I did have a slightly alarming thought recently, though. I thought about how I'm unsure if I want to get married. Ever. That was scary. I want to have children and I want a companion, but I don't know how I feel about marrying someone. It's terrifying because I love the idea of love - I've been flipping out with excitement because I have 3 weddings to go to and I'm so stoked - but I don't know if that life is meant for me. I don't know if I'll ever get there. This is totally creeptastic, but I always thought I would die young. I still sometimes think that, hope for it even. Maybe I was only meant to be on this earth for so long. Enjoying my youth and then passing on without having to be an adult. I'm so childlike about so many things that I don't know how adulthood would sit with me. I guess I'm doing fine now - I make my own money, support myself, and make shit happen, but I miss the days of not worrying about anything, not having to have any kind of responsibility. But anyway, now that I've thoroughly weirded everyone out...

Dating. Yes. I'm happy to be dating and enjoying the change of pace with this new boy. It's refreshing and exactly what I needed for my new life. Maybe I will grow up one day, just baby steps =)

i need a personal day.

Too bad I'm not getting one anytime soon. I'm so frickin exhausted and I was at work for 13 hours plus my 2 hour commute. Kill me in the face, please. I've decided in protest to come in at 11am tomorrow and still leave at my usual early time. Yay!

In good news, The Blexican texted me today. He invited me to a BBQ and movie night at a friends' place. I'm super excited, but incredibly nervous. I mean, I'll be meeting his friends and people he cares about. I'm just not used to that happening quite so quickly. You all should know by now that I *love* keeping my love life and my friendships separate. Although, I guess I have gotten used to blending them by inviting TG to things. It's just strange to meet friends so soon into the dating situation, but I think it'll be a good time. You really get a sense for a person when you see the kinds of people they choose to hang around. I'm looking forward to it. Although, I think it might ruin my chances of getting some hook-up time. I mean, I don't want to have sex with him because I think I'd be better served waiting, which is something I've never really tried doing. A kiss would be nice, though. Something to show me that he's actually interested in me as a woman and not just in my awesome conversational skills.

Anyhow, I need to get cracking - have some work to do before bedtime. Just thought I'd pop in quickly =)

date, the second.

Okay, second date last night and I'm still smitten with this kid. I'm totally 100% nervous that he doesn't like me sexually because he hasn't put any moves on me, but Senior Year Roomie and College BFF think it's fine and to give it time. I mean, he's definitely shy, so I know that he's probably biding his time. Plus, I also need to remember that not everyone is the 'let's just take off all of our clothes right away' type. I think I need to get away from that type. Plus, if we do decide to do the dirty, it will be better because we'll care about each other and it won't just be some random person.

Anyway, the date. He picked me up a little after 6:30pm and we drove over to the beach. We were kind of quiet in the car, which I don't mind. I hate when people just keep talking to fill time and space. We got there and walked around for a while - it was pretty watching the sunset and the fog roll in. Lots of conversation and it was nice. Then he asked me if I wanted to go home or if I wanted to do dinner, so we went to a cute Indian restaurant. Had a nice meal, he paid again, and we did a lot of talking. He knew I had to make an important phone call after dinner, so he got me dropped off before 9:30pm. I sent him a text at the end of the night telling him how much fun I had and apologizing for talking too much and that I hope we could hang out this weekend. He responded, "I had a lot of fun too and I love listening to your ramblings :) it was a very nice night and i can't wait to see you again :)" So yes, I'm excited! Still waiting on the physical. He was a little more complimentary last night - told me I had a nice dress on and was impressed by my mad Russian skillz.


I hope he'll text me during the week since I know it won't be until Sunday that we can hang out. Other than that, though, I'm just happy to be having a somewhat functional dating life. More updates to come! =)

umm, i think i went on a successful adult date.

Last night, I went on my first real date since April of 2009. I didn't kick anyone in the face. I kept my legs crossed and my panties on. I was super charming and awesome. I'm incredibly happy right now. I'm even happier because I got a text from him this afternoon asking me if I wanted to go to the beach with him tonight. Eek - beach date! I'm nervous because it sounds so romantic and we all know how I deal with romance. I run from it, kicking and screaming, shrieking at the top of my lungs. Shit, I want to run now and I still have 4 hours before he comes to pick me up. Jesus take the wheel!

Anyhow, recap of the date. We met up at the movie theatre and we were both there super early. The plan was to see Machete. He was there before I got there, but I was on time, so it's good. He'd already bought the tickets (I love when they do that - it makes it so much less awkward as you try to finagle who's going to pay) and we had an hour to kill so we talked. It was a little awkward at first - he's the quiet type - but we decided to take a walk and had a nice chat. He's cute. Super cute. Like one of those bohemian black guys cute. He's half black, half Mexican and has this phenomenally beautiful curly hair. Like it's just ridiculously beautiful. I wanted to touch it, but that would've been really fucking awkward and I was trying not to lose my shit. He's not super tall, but he's probably 3'' taller than me - so like 6 feet even. He has a slim waist, but toned shoulders and chest. I'm sure he looks stellar with his clothes off. Not that I'm thinking about him with his clothes off, just an observation =P

The movie was enjoyable - I think we both have the same sense of humor so we enjoyed it. After the movie, we walked to a little Mexican spot and ate and chatted for about 2 hours. It was mostly me talking, but he was engaged and laughed a lot. He has cute dimples. Then he drove me home (score! he has a car. check plus) and we said goodnight. No hug or kiss or anything, but I think he's shy, so I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't sure what to do - if I should text him to say I had a good time or what, but then he wrote me an email and said he had a great time and wants to hang out soon and thinks I'm an 'exceptional conversationalist' - code for 'you talk too much' - haha. He apologized for being quiet and said he gets louder when he opens up. Then today he texted me to see if I wanted to hang out since he works the night shift most nights and we won't be able to hang out for another week. I know Senior Year Roomie is going to kill me because I have to postpone our phone date (don't hate me, please!), but I'm hoping to see him before work goes nuts. Anyhow, I'l follow up about the beach date tomorrow. Send me non-awkward vibes!

holy shit - i'm a quarter century!

I still can't believe I'm 25. This was such an odd birthday - not in a bad way, but everything was just so different. It's scary because when I look in the mirror at myself, for the first time ever, I see a woman. I've always thought of myself as a girl or at least in some state of extended adolescence. I don't know why I've felt that way or what has changed because I'm still in the same situation - I've been paying my own bills, working a job, and taking care of myself since I graduated from college, but somehow this feels different. I think because I've finally started taking control of my life instead of just letting it happen to me.

Moving to CA has been huge for me. It's a move I orchestrated completely and totally independently of anyone. I didn't consult my friends or family - I just decided that it was what I wanted to do and I did it. Even when it didn't make sense to other people, it was something I knew I had to do for myself. I decided to live by myself because I thought it was time to have something that was 100% mine and I felt like I was hiding behind others. I don't know when I grew so scared of growing up. Back when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be 16 years old. I imagined I would have long hair, a wonderful boyfriend, and the perfect life. Well, 16 has come and gone and I still don't have any of those things, but I've also stopped hinging my happiness on them. I'm slowly but surely learning to judge my life on my own terms and not on other peoples. I have amazing friends, a great job, an amazing apartment, and a pretty solid sense of self.

25 has been a strange age for me to turn, mostly because I'm not just reflecting on this one year that has passed, but on a whole quarter century of my life. This year has definitely brought a lot of change in and of itself, but when I look back at the person I was and compare that to the person I've become, it's a dramatic difference. The little girl who wanted long, straight "good" hair is now content with a headful of unruly, kinky coiled-up curls. I've finally started to embrace my own beauty and the parts of myself that are gorgeous, even if they're not mainstream. My shyness has practically evaporated - I no longer fear new situations because I put myself in them on a regular basis. I've failed at so many things and so I no longer worry about what will happen if I'm not 100% perfect. I love the person I've become - complex, complicated, layered, but at heart amazingly fun-loving, always-laughing, and never dull.

Of course, there are always things I want to change - I wish I could have to heart to be more confrontational, instead of letting people take advantage of me. I wish I was a cuddlier, sweeter person - not as cold as I can sometimes appear. I wish I knew how to be in a relationship. But these are all things that I think I can fix. I mean, look at how far I've come in the past 25 years. I can only hope my path to self-actualization will get easier =)

i am 25, drunk, and confused.

Yeah, I'm shitfaced right now. There really isn't any other word for it. Two strong cocktails at dinner, followed by a million whiskey drinks with TG and his friends at the bar afterward. I dont' know what to say, but I just wanted to blog. I'm in bed alone on my birthday, which blows, but is probably better. I kind of know now that things with TG are over, which is good. Very good. It was nice to have him at my dinner and even nicer to hang out with him after, but I think we're both over it. I did want to sleep with him, but mostly because I wanted sex on my birthday - not for any real attachment issues. I did talk to a bunch of cool people tonight *without* him. I was proud of myself for meeting his friends and chatting with them while letting him do his own thing. I think it's helping me get over him and not want to cling to him as a social outlet.

I have a date on Sunday. I'm excited - he seems perfect for me. He loves Twilight Zone and dorky things and girls who chatter on and on and on and on. He thinks my smile is beautiful and he seems genuinely good. I hope I don't fuck this up. I'm always fucking things up - it's like my job. I hope he gets me because that's what I need right now - someone who will understand me and care for me and want to be with me. I think I deserve that. Yeah.

So the room is spinning, so I'll try and be more introspective tomorrow. Goodnight!

last day as a 24 year old!

I've been meaning to update for a while, but for the first time in a while I've been too busy living my life to blog about it =) Work has been very intense and I come home exhausted (maybe this is a sign of my advanced age... lol) and then the weekends have been full of plans and cleaning and prep. Normally, I'd do the whole 'reflection of the past 24 years of my life' post, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Birthday Weekend 2010 was frickin' awesome. Seriously - I couldn't have asked for a better time. Friday night, I did Easy A with the girls from the office. I really loved it - Emma Stone is cute and it really made me think about how even in 2010, women still get the short end of the stick when it comes to being open, sexual beings. Annoying. I got home late, so I decided to just spend the evening chugging half a bottle of wine and dancing around my living room. I promptly passed out around 11pm. Then it was time for Roomie to come! I love her. Seriously, in love. I love living alone, but I totally miss having her around to chat to, drink with, and kvetch about work with. Living in the FiDi with Boy Roomie and Girl Roomie was the best experience ever and I miss them. ANYWAY.

I had to run around party prepping, but then Roomie got there and we were hungry, so we went to brunch and were going to meet up with some of her college friends. Miscommunication ensued, so we were stuck at this little cute French bistro with nothing to do, waiting on her friends. Of course, that meant we had to drink to pass the time. So around noon, we got totally shitfaced on fancy champagne cocktails. I went for a Kir Royale - well, 4 Kir Royales - and Roomie had four of the house special drinks. By the time her friends got there, we were blitzed and snacking on French fries. Hilarious 4 hour lunch later, I set off in search of a camera and party alcohol. I was barely able to purchase the camera. I'm 100% sure the woman at Office Max knew I was not in my right mind, when I picked up a huge memory card reader instead of a simple memory card. After errands, I passed out while Roomie went drinking.

The party was awesome. I bought wayyyy too much liquor, but a lot of people showed up. All the ADP SF kids, which made me so happy, since you know I always think no one likes me. TG showed up super early - 20 min before the party was supposed to start. He was all sweaty and yuck from biking and I looked frickin hot. Slamming bright pink bandage dress with maximum cleavage, which I caught him looking at multiple times. Score! I didn't get too drunk, I was pretty good. Just having a good time with my guests. Tried turning on the music around 1am but then my stupid neighbor came over in her bathrobe to glare at me. Fail. Around 2, we called it a night and went to sleep.

It was awesome! Fun 25th birthday indeed.

I have a million more things I'd love to update on - the state of my love life, things with TG, work, etc, but this is already too long, so I'll save that for the post-birthday roundup.

Birthday Weekend 2010!

Yay! This is the kickoff to Birthday Weekend 2010, also known as CJ Turning 25! Eek! I'm nervous, scared, and excited about growing one year older. I'm SUPER excited that ROOMIE! is coming. Yes, her new nickname is ROOMIE! Haha - I cannot wait to see her and hang out and have her stay with me. It'll be nice not to be totally alone in the apartment anymore. =) I'm nervous about the party and wondering if people will show up and whether or not it will be fun, but I think it'll be a good time. I know that the people I love most will be there, as well as my amazing work colleagues, so it has to be fabulous!

I don't really have much to say today. Work is crazy since we just moved to new desk space, so we're all moving in and unpacking boxes and such. I texted The Russian - no response, so I'm assuming that's over. I haven't talked to TG, so we'll just see if he comes tomorrow. I'm basically over thinking about boys for a while. Instead I'm going to focus on my favorite topic - myself! - and get excited to hang out with roomie and friends.

Yay Birthday Weekend!

crazy emotional randomness.

I'm feeling a bit odd and since this is the place where I keep all of my 'uncomfortable and embarrassing' feelings, I think I'll get into it here. I mean, after all, you all already know about my ridiculously awkward sex life, so why not? =)

I'm annoyed with things with TG. There, I said it.

The odd thing is I can't figure out why I'm mad about things. I guess it's because we don't talk anymore or hang out, even though I saw him on Sunday when he sent me that impromptu text message to meet up with him outside of my house. I guess I just feel weird that our friendship appears to be disintegrating. I'm probably just freaking out over nothing - I mean, he's coming to my birthday dinner next week and most likely my party, too, but I feel ignored by him. I don't like it. It's not that I even wanna smush or hook up or anything, but I miss talking to him and going to see movies and I don't want our friendship to die completely. At the same time, I know that it's hard to be "friends" with someone you hook up with and once dated. So maybe this is the natural order of things and I should be content to deal with it the way it is?

I've decided that today I want to take charge of my life. I'm so tired of being passive in certain situations. There's my job - which I like, but I know is not forever. There are so many opportunities where I work - I need to seize them and think about what I want to do with my life. Then with boys - this whole thing with The Russian is annoying me and I'm tired of playing games. I'm just going to message him tonight. If he wants to hang out with me - great! If he doesn't - he'll tell me and I'll know. I'll be sad about it, but I'll get over it and move on. Then, TG. I want us to be friends on some level but I can't just sit here waiting for him to initiate it. If I want to see him, I should try to see him. Same thing goes here - if he's down, great! If he's not, I'll know and I'll leave him alone and we can pretend like we never knew each other. I want to start working out and getting my body back into shape. I want to find new fun things to do with my hair. There are so many things I want to do and I need to just *do* them. I'm tired of letting my shyness and my hesitant nature dictate how I live my life. I'm going to be 25 years old in less than a week and I need to stop acting like a goddamn child.

AMEN.

excuse me while i try and regain some semblance of dignity.

Yes, I'm still upset about Monday evening's events. No, The Russian hasn't called me. Yes, I think it's pretty much hopeless at this point. I'm really bad at this whole 'waiting to see what happens' thing. I mean, I know men generally come and go so I'm not going to be too upset by this one leaving, but it still sucks. On the bright side, I've semi-validated my attraction to the opposite sex. For a long time, after the mess with TG, I thought no one was ever going to want to be with me in a sexual way again. My self-esteem was pretty much crushed. Throw in the fact that I cut my hair and stopped working out and I just feel ick. Even when getting it on with the Russian, I asked if we could turn the lights off. He asked me if I was shy, which I can be when it comes to my body. Even when he was clearly turned on by it. I just have issues sometimes. And since I wasn't even able to have a decent sexual experience with him, I'm feeling a little bit discouraged when it comes to men.


College BFF made the point that I've been sexually monogamous for a while now, so of course it's going to be weird the first time I sleep with someone new. I get that, but it's still a shit show. It's not even that I'm mad about losing a potential "boyfriend" because I honestly don't think that's what he was looking for, but I figured I'd at least have someone to call late at night when I wanted to get some booty. Looks like that option is completely gone. Senior Year Roommate says I should wait a week before I give him up as being completely uninterested. We'll see - I'm a pessimist like whoa. I guess at least I got laid? By someone who wasn't TG? And he did have a pretty sweet body - all those muscles. God, I miss men. I've become so boy crazy over the past few weeks because I've been in withdrawal. There's something about men that just drives me crazy (in the good way) and I miss having them in my life. Oh, well - I need to stop stressing over this. It's not doing anyone any good.


In other funny news - got a message today online from a guy. It was titled "YES" and inside it read... "...in response to your last question in your profile.  Do you like well mannered BAD boys? Check me out... [name blocked]" Dying of laughter. Just dying. Oh, also, this man is 46 years old. I CAN'T. God I forgot how much I love lame pick-up attempts. =)

dude, i swear i'm not normally this awkward.

Okay, so what should have been a really fun palette-cleansing experience ended up being a shitshow of epic proportions. I've been talking to the Jewish, Russian engineer (did I mention that he's *fluent* in Russian - swoon) for about a week. He's totally my type in all the aforementioned ways. He also has a beard - you all know how I feel about facial hair. Jammerz calls him TG's twin, but they don't really look alike. They're both just white Jewish guys with facial hair. Whatevs. I like it. So yeah, we hung out this weekend briefly - he came over to my hood and we talked. Nothing major - just did a quick walk around and chatted for a little while. He wanted to come inside, but I told him no, and he left without arguing with me. Truth be told, I thought that after I refused to let him in my apartment, he'd disappear and run off to find something else. I was kind of shocked when he called me the next night to chat and then when he called again to try and make plans for this week.

I get a text from him yesterday at work telling me he'd like to hang out and wanting to know when I was going to be done with work (he's between jobs now, so my schedule was the limiting factor). I told him he could come over around 7:30pm and we could have a drink and "hang out." I was kind of nervous - running around cleaning, figuring that he was probably going to want to bone, but also looking forward to it because I've been sleeping with the same damn man for the past year and we are not in a relationship!!!!! Sorry, that still irks me. So yeah, he came over and he looked good. He's smaller than most of the guys I date - and by that, I mean, he's shorter than me by a good 2 inches. But, he's pretty built - works out a lot and solid. His arms and pecs - god, so hot! And he has the cutest little butt. Seriously, it's kind of like a bubble butt but incredibly firm. I'm swooning just thinking about it. ANYWAY, before I jizz in my pants... back to the story.

We sit in my living room and chat and I give him a tour of the place. He doesn't drink so I just gave him some water and I opted not to drink as well. He looked at my books and made some comments ("you have the Bible next to some erotica," "do you like Ayn Rand?" "Dealing with sex in an easy access culture - interesting") and then we started talking about work and life and stuff. He has a job interview today so we talked a little about that. He's an engineer so he had lots to say about the company I work for (and why he would never work there). Then out of the blue - maybe like 30 minutes in, he just kisses me. "That was abrupt," I said - because I'm super awkward. So he keeps kissing me and we're making out and he's pretty much throwing me around the couch (he is smaller than me, but STRONG). Pretty soon, I look and I'm in nothing but my hot pink lacy boyshorts. Initially, I told myself I wasn't going to smush (yes, I love Jersey Shore terms), but then I was mostly-naked and getting into it so I said fuck it and decided to just go with it. I took him into my bedroom since HI, I just moved in and don't want to screw on my couch just yet.

This is where it gets ridiculous. So for whatever reason, we're just having a difficult time. Not with arousal or anything, but with the whole mechanics of the sex. I mean, I don't know if it was height difference, the angle, or what, but we're having trouble. He's asking me if I have lube, which I don't because I just moved in and haven't restocked my shit. Now here's where it gets really awesome. He's trying to maneuver my legs around and I kick him in the head accidentally! Can I repeat that for a second? I KICKED HIM IN THE HEAD! So I'm mortified, but he's just laughing it off and then finally we get into a rhythm. At which point he comes like 10 seconds in. I mean, I didn't mind because *I kicked him in the head* so whatever. He apologizes about it, but I'm like whatever - it does not matter. He tries to get me off but either he's not doing what I need or my head is elsewhere because I just can't. I can't even fake it because I'm just not there. So we get half-dressed and he wants to talk, so we sit down and chat again about random things. Then he takes me by the hand and gets me off the couch and starts kissing me again. I ask him where we're going and he takes me back to the room. I was surprised he wanted to go again given the bodily harm I'd inflicted on him the first time.

Again, more difficulties! I felt like we just weren't clicking at all. It was like that scene in Sex and the City when Carrie and Berger sleep together for the first time and it's just horrible. That was what it was like. Then to top it all off, he ran out of condoms since he had only brought a few and I'll put it this way - I'm not used to dealing with men who are quite so well-endowed. So I only had smaller ones, which he tried to put on and it failed miserably since he was packing wayyy more than I expected for a short white guy. Then we decided to try and just fool around, but it just wasn't working out. Plus, he was uncut which I'm not used to dealing with and I just felt like I was fumbling the whole time. He also wasn't really vocal at all, so even when he would climax, I had almost no warning that it was going to happen. He was one of those silent types. Good Lord.

After he came again, which was also kind of epic fail since he didn't really get it where I wanted it - lol - he cleaned up and then we sat around and talked a little longer. He stayed wayyy longer than I thought he would - I assumed after all that that he was going to run screaming from my apartment. Instead, we talked more and then after a while, he gave me a kiss, told me he had fun and bounced. Epic fail.

I don't even know what to say - I've never been that awkward in bed. Honestly, it's exactly the opposite - normally I'm self-assured and I have so pretty sick skills. Every man I've ever been with has complimented me numerous times on my abilities. So why did I shit the bed this time? Am I out of practice? Was the chemistry not there? Were we a mismatch? I mean, I guess I shouldn't be too upset. He got off twice and I got off no times. He also didn't seem to sweat it too much, but I want a do over, damn it! I want to knock this kid's socks off.

God, being awkward really sucks sometimes.

saturday morning musings.

Laying in bed watching Part II of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. Love these bitches - they are really fucking crazy. Makes me grateful that my friends are not melodramatic nut cases. I'm feeling incredibly lazy today and my stomach is going insane. No idea why - I didn't even eat any dinner last night.

Yesterday was my first real Friday night here in SF and one of the first times I felt a little lonely. It's strange - I was really tired and had no desire to go out - but I'm still not used to the fact that it's Me, Myself, and I in here. I like living alone for many reasons, but I'm also the chattiest chick out there and so I like having people around. A Friday night in was never dull when I had roommates because we could drink and chat in the apartment and it was nice and social without being wild and crazy. I think it'll just take a little getting used to before I feel 100% comfortable in my new lifestyle. I'm happy that I'm still as social as I used to be, but it's a little difficult because I haven't made those 'tight bonds' yet that I had in New York. You know - where you can just call someone up and be like 'hey, what's the plan for tonight?!' I only really have two people that I feel close to like that and it's clear I'm going to need a few more. We'll see - I'm hoping to start going to some more random meetups and events to get to know some people. Unfortunately, because my job is heating up, I won't really be able to do much until November, but I can still try and get a few events in.

Tonight, I'm heading to Blondie's party, which I'm excited for. I miss seeing people and I'm sure there will be a bunch of new people to meet. I remember going to her birthday party in SF three years ago, where I met The Neighbor, who I crushed on for a while. Looking forward to putting on a cute outfit, some makeup, and having a good time.

In dating news, currently talking to two boys - not sure if I'm over the moon about any of them. One of them is so effing cute, but kind of sketch, so I want to tease out the sketchiness before I agree to a date. The other one seems like a nice guy, but I'm waiting to see how the conversation plays out. I really would like to go out with someone who isn't TG before October 1st. That's my new goal. God, I forgot how exhausting online dating can be. Why can't God just drop a man into my lap? Wouldn't that be nice?

it's that time of year again!

Yes, birthday time. I'm inspired by Lorraine's birthday entry and I've been thinking about how I want to celebrate this year. September birthdays kind of suck. For one thing, it seems like everyone and their frickin' mother is born in September. I mean, yes, Virgos are awesome, but it makes it really hard to plan a party when everyone else is planning a party. I guess we're all New Year's babies or something and that's the reason for the boom? Secondly, September is always a time of change - starting school or starting college - so during those monumental changes it's really hard to have real friends. I remember my freshman year birthday - we'd been at school for like 2 weeks and I barely knew anyone. I think my RA brought me a card signed by my dormmates (most of whom were perfect strangers). I went out to dinner with my friend A, a high school friend who happened go to college with me. In other words, LAME.

I've had better birthdays on years when there was no change going on - my 21st birthday was the highlight of my adult life. Huge house party with 75 of my closest friends and sorority sisters. I got to flirt with my then-crush (The Banker), drink my face off, dance a lot, eat my favorite spicy chicken sandwich, and then spend most of the night vomiting. EPIC. My NYC birthdays were more of the same. But this year, I'm in another state of change. I literally just moved here and while, yes, I do have friends - I don't have a ton of friends, so I imagine my party is going to be pretty lame. Me and like 3 people - haha. So I'm debating if I want to just get people to meet at a bar or something and spend my night out. Or go dancing with a few folks. Then I'm thinking maybe I should just do nothing - keep it to a dinner on my actual birthday and then just do normal weekend shiz. ARG, it's annoying. Plus, the big thing I've failed to mention is I'm turning 25, so I feel like I need to do something real as I'll pretty soon be the cryptkeeper. Sigh.

TG told me he has a lot going on the night I'm planning on having my event, but that he'd "stop by at the end of the night, when you're really drunk. I can poke you on the couch." Good Lord. I don't even want to talk about that statement. I'm just putting it here for your entertainment. So yeahhhh, maybe I should just go out. Readers? Anyone? I like the idea of doing something at home because I can get wasted and not have to worry about getting home. Blarg. We'll see. I have to decide like *tomorrow* but I guess I'll figure it out.

It's nice to be worrying about trivial things.

dipping my toe back into the pool - slowly, but surely.

I still don't really feel like I live here, which is a good and bad thing. It's good because it's helping me ease myself into this new life. There's none of that 'shock and awe' that usually comes with a big move. The first time I moved to California, it was complete and total devastation. I remember being so lost and sad when my parents left me. I was alone, in my brand new apartment, in a brand new city, with brand new roommates and a brand new job - it was absolutely terrifying. I don't know if it's because I've lived here before or because I'm just older and wiser now (and have several moves behind me), but I feel a hell of a lot less like a deer in headlights this time around.

This can be bad because it means I need to kick myself to make sure I'm building relationships, exploring my new surroundings, and making the most of things. This isn't a 5 week work trip, this is my life, so I need to make sure I'm setting the foundations for filling it with friends, boys, and memories.

Last night, I went to dinner with Blondie and friends for her birthday. I was definitely a late invitation (not a bad thing, just an observation), but I decided to go because I wanted to help her celebrate and I've also told myself that I will not say no to any invitation or experience that comes my way. You never know where your next boyfriend/best friend/shopping buddy/fuck buddy will come from. I had a lot of fun - paella and sangria and good conversation! After several glasses of sangria, I went home and had a completely pointless conversation with someone on an online dating site. I swear to God, men will say anything to get in your pants. It's funny - that kind of stuff never offends me or upsets me, I just like going with it to see how far they'll take things. This guy was pretty cute, but after some brief small-talk, he wanted me to come get food with him. Mind you, it was 11:45 at night. That's when I decided that this was not long-term relationship potential. But, I like flirting, so I chatted with him for a bit. Good Lord. Hopefully the next guy I talk to is a little less sexually driven.

Up this weekend - party for Blondie's birthday! Excited to get circulating again. Then, I'm doing Mad Men with MB on Sunday and our standard weekly meal at Nopalito. Settling in appears to be going just fine! =)

positive steps.

I've been really good lately! I've been working extremely hard at my job, while also trying to improve my social life. I'm actually proud of myself for making this move and not being miserable as a result. Things are still fresh and new and I'm getting used to everything.

I've been incredibly good about getting over the whole 'stalking TG' thing. We still talk occasionally (initiated by him), but I'm getting better about not monitoring his tweets or looking to see where he's hanging out. It helps that he's in NYC this week, but slowly the cord is being cut. Amen! I even put up my online dating profile last night (finally!), so maybe I'm ready to start getting myself out there.

I went to my first alumni event - a sake tasting. It was fun. I didn't really meet anyone that I clicked with, but I did talk to some folks and had a nice evening learning about sake. I'm glad I went - I need to start branching out more and not being so shy. I've decided I will hold myself to doing 3 fun events each week (well, until we get to crunch time at work) and so far, I've been keeping up with that. Tonight, it's dinner for Blondie's birthday and then on Saturday night she's having a party. So those two plus the sake = goal met! =)

Now, if I get my butt to the gym today, it will be a perfect week!

Anyway, back to the grind. Work is kicking my ass this week. Seriously.

cramps corner.

I seriously want to start a little section on this blog for all of the evil/ridiculous thoughts that pop up into my head when I have my period. I think it could be enjoyable. Unlike the experience I'm going through now, which is a fucking nightmare. Seriously, whenever I get these cramps, I'm always tempted to drop to my knees, throw my hands to the sky and scream out "GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!?!?!?!" and then I realize that I'm a melodramatic drama queen and instead I just curl up in the fetal position while slamming medicine down my throat. Because that works, too.

So, some random thoughts of the day.

1. Couples walk really fucking slowly. Seriously, have you ever walked behind a couple? It makes me want to stab myself in the eye. Sometimes, they walk so slowly I'm convinced they're going backwards. Maybe being in love suspends all sense of time and urgency, but I'd rather walk behind a bunch of chattering schoolchildren on crutches than behind two people in love. rawr.
2. This morning I had a serious freakout moment imagining what I would do if I found out my birth mother was white. I'm now obsessed with this theory. So, it began as all great moments do, while watching Real Housewives of DC. So the black one - Stacie - tells her sorority sisters that she's adopted and has tracked down her birth mother and she's white. OMFG. First of all, Stacie does not look like your typical black-white mix. She looks BLACK. Blackedy-black-black-black. So now I'm terrified that my birth mother is white and that everything I've believed about myself is wrong. There are so many reasons why this is completely random/weird, but it further shows me that race in America is one of the most fucked up things on earth. I should unpack all this now and get into a discussion of race in America, but I'm in too much pain to have a serious discussion about what learning that your birth mother is a different race can do to you. Instead, I'll move on to #3.
3. I got an email today AT WORK that had the following sentence - "I would prefer a fork in my eye, but thanks for the invite." It was from an engineer that we invited to the event we're planning for the fall. First of all - what the fuck is wrong with engineers? Who writes shit like that? Didn't anyone teach this man some basic manners? Second of all - I hate HR because I can't write a simple ass response back to him. Fuck.

I think that's all I've got for today. Check back tomorrow, when I'm closer to being a functional human being.

sometimes it seems like i spend half my life in either SFO or JFK...

Another whirlwind weekend of travel. I just spent less than 48 hours back in New York and it was awesome, although a bit tiring. Got in to JFK on Saturday evening and got picked up by my dad. Went home and spent the evening drinking wine with my parents and then I zapped out early. Sunday was wedding day! Yay! I've only been to two weddings prior to this, so it was exciting. Plus, it was the brother of my one of oldest friends, Jammerz, and the NY MCMers were all there - even high school best friend! I am seriously mesmerized by the length and depth of some of my friendships. Sitting in the church, watching the bride walk down the aisle, I looked to my left and my right and thought how funny it is that 10 years ago, we were all sitting next to each other in some silly class - social studies or spanish or something - completely different people at completely different stages of our lives. Yet, even with the passing of time and all that's happened in between - graduation, college, jobs, med school, etc - we still connect and want to be close to each other. Even if we don't speak for weeks or months, the bond we have just never seems to go away.

The wedding itself was amazing - you can tell how deeply the couple love each other and how perfect they are together. I've known them for years and they've always seemed like such a permanent entity. I never for a second doubted that they would start a life together. To witness that much love in one place is really special. I hope some day that I find someone to share my life with, who will love me in the way I want to be loved and who I can devote my time and energy to. Everyone tells me I'll get sick of going to these things as time goes on, but I seriously love weddings and can't imagine ever getting bored with them.

my body, myself - part the first.

So I've been pretty happy overall with things in California, but the one thing that nags me is the state of my body. Yeah, I know - a girl with body image issues, how novel! I've been trying to cut down on my food consumption and increase my exercising, but so far I've failed epically on both counts. I guess I've made some progress - I signed up for the gym at work and now I try to eat more veggies and fruits - but I also just consumed a large lunch and a cupcake. Eek!

I struggle all the time with how I feel about my body and recently I keep thinking about it, so why not write some of these thoughts down. I never really had any issues with my size or anything until maybe my senior year of high school. It's odd because I was pretty thin in middle school and the beginning of high school, but then it was like overnight I gained weight. That's not the odd part, the odd part is that I didn't care at all! I went from a size 4 to a size 10 in what felt like a matter of minutes and I just never found it that upsetting. It seemed natural to me - I was growing up, therefore I would get bigger. Plus, I stopped doing sports. Between 7th and 11th grade I played volleyball, field hockey, lacrosse, and was on the swim team. I'd always been super athletic and that enabled me to eat whatever and not give a fuck. When I stopped working out, I didn't adjust my eating habits and there you go. It wasn't really until I started noticing how other girls beat themselves up about their bodies that I started to do the same.

I mean, I'm a black girl - our culture has always embraced big women. If you didn't have T&A you were more likely to feel bad about your body, so I really didn't mind getting bigger. I had a nice C cup and a round booty - score! But. There's always a but. I don't live in a black world. I don't mind that fact most of the time, but I do whenever it comes to hair or body type or certain ignorant comments that people make. My friends were super diverse in high school, but the second I went to college it was a different story. One of my best friends from school (another black girl) told me she never felt as unattractive in her life as she did at our liberal, mostly white Ivy League school. I totally agree with her - we were surrounded by tons of girls who counted every calorie, cried over every pound gained, and either looked emaciated or wanted to look emaciated. I mean, it wasn't everyone, but it was enough people to make you get a little uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that I went up another dress size AND another cup size and it was enough to make me insecure.

One thing I can say - I've never, ever had a discussion with another black woman about weight that sounds like the ones I hear from my non-black friends. Sure, my black friends and I talk about losing weight and getting healthy, but there's never a disparagement of our bodies. On the other hand, I can't even count how many times I've been in a conversation with non-black chicks who just want to complain about every little thing about themselves. And half the time they're wayyy thinner than I am. It's ridiculous! There have been several studies that have shown that in general black girls are less concerned about their weight than their white counterparts, but there's also been studies to show that this isn't necessarily true for upper and upper-middle class black girls. Awesome. So I get the curves most black women have, but don't get the self-esteem because I happen to hang out in whiter circles. Love it. I just hope to God I never hate my body so much that I feel the need to trash it on a regular basis. I refuse to participate in those conversations anymore because they're so counterproductive and unhealthy.

Yes, I want to lose weight (being a size 8 sounds lovely and reasonable and achievable for a girl who is 5'9" like I am). Yes, I think it's important to be healthy and to incorporate exercise in your life. BUT, that being said, not everyone can be blond-haired, blue-eyed, and a size 0. It just ain't gonna happen for me. If I wore a size 0 I'd look like fucking Skeletor. It wouldn't be pretty. I think it's more important for us to accept what the good Lord gave us and move on from there. Life is too short to hate what you see in the mirror. There is beauty in everyone - literally everyone. We need to stop buying into the media's idea of what beauty is. I may not look like your typical Hollywood actress or model, but that doesn't mean I'm ugly or undesirable. It's fine to want to lose weight, but I just want to be realistic about it. So I'm going to chill the fuck out about the cupcake I consumed and remember that it's okay to eat dessert sometimes. I plan on going to the gym this afternoon and working out to get healthy, not to get super thin. Plus, I'm in no hurry to get rid of my DDs - they're actually quite useful sometimes. =P

tonight was exactly what i needed.

Writing this from the shuttle, which will take me from my job in the South Bay back to San Francisco. I had an extremely fun and productive day today. Early morning (7:30am to be exact) meetings really energize me! Also, I went indoor skydiving with my team! It was amazingly fun. It's been nice to bond with everyone and get to know them all. I was surprised that I wasn't terrified since even the smallest height makes me nervous. I really do want to start stretching my boundaries more and doing things that I wouldn't normally do. So, in short - it was awesome. I love my team! I'm missing cubemate and LG2 A LOT, but my new work friends are awesome as well. I'm sure it'll be no time before we have crazy inside jokes and they learn about my propensity for TMI (I literally tell anyone my business).

Then it was LG1's birthday, so we went out to this cute Indian restaurant. They had amazing drinks and the food was so yummy! It was also nice to sit around with a group of girls and gossip about life and boys and dating. There were a lot of insightful things said that I hope to take to heart. I think one of the biggest things that resonated with me was the need to live my own life. You really do have to have your own life and routine before you can bring someone else in. I've sort of forgotten that along the way. I used to be such an independent-minded person who didn't give two shits about having a boyfriend. I'm not saying I'm going to revert to that person, but I do want to focus on making sure that I find my happiness in SF through other channels first. I don't want to drop everything for some boy or make dating the centerpiece of my life. I've always wanted a relationship that would complement my life, not take it over.

So I'm going to live my life. I'm going to go out with my friends and dance and drink and gossip when I want to. I'm also going to stay in, put on ratty pajamas and watch shitty television when I want to do that. I'm not going to care what other people are doing or keep tabs on their lives because I'm going to be too busy doing things that make me happy. That is my plan. I feel more zen already. =)