i am epically lame.

Ugh, I'm in such a depressed mood today and it makes me upset. Of course, I'm mad about this dumb boy (who I texted and received no response from - womp womp), but I think it's made worse by the fact that I'm on a cleanse and I can't really eat anything. Without carbs, sugar, or alcohol, how am I supposed to make it through life's difficult moments?!?!?! Mothereffer! Instead, I'm sitting here at work, dead ass tired due to the midnight Harry Potter showing and dreaming of the single rice cake with almond butter I'll be allowed to eat upon my return home. Needless to say, I am pathetic. I can haz my dignitee bak, plz?

I was super happy I saw HP7.2 last night, though. Went with a bunch of work girls and some of their friends. It was a great movie - AMAZING - and I cried like a baby for most of it. I may go home tonight and read the last book again and weep over the Snape storyline (I'll refrain from spoiling it), which is my favorite part of the whole series. Since I can't drink, I will watch epic amounts of DVR and dance around in my underwear to Selena Gomez.

I don't even want to get into my feelings about my current dating situation and how much I just hate everything and want to opt out. It would be great if I could just wake up and be asexual. Or - even better, if I can wake up a man. I don't know if I've shared this with the blog yet, but the BFF has always told me that when we're 40 and single (yes, that's a *when* not an if) we should get married and have a bomb ass party and get a NY Times wedding announcement. I mean, two black Ivy-educated lesbians, and one is a conservative?! We would be New York Times gold! Lately, though the plan has changed. When I'm 40 and single, I'm getting a fucking sex change so I can become a man and have all the agency and power I want, as well as the freedom to be alone if that's how it falls out. Although, I'm pretty sure if I was a dude, mad women would want to get with me. I have a good job, a 401K, my own apartment, a pretty busy social life, and I can listen to all of your work drama and even chime in. Ladies, I'm a keeper!

walking on thin ice.

Ugh, my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'm really super-sensitive to that because it's usually one of the first signs that I'm going to spiral into some sort of depression. I slept for 14 hours last night - passing out at 6:30pm. Maybe I was just tired, but maybe I'm still feeling shitty with TG drama and the overall annoyingness of my job. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, though. I get a chance to rest and relax. I don't have any stressful plans, just Christmas shopping with my friends and chilling out.

My moods are so volatile - sometimes it's hard for me to get a handle on them. I'm normally incredibly good at outwardly controlling my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it's at the expense of my internal sanity. I need to stop viewing negative feelings as weaknesses and learn to embrace them and work through them without falling to pieces. Certain things just seem to trigger my emotions and I need to be careful when I'm dealing with those stressors.

This weekend, I'm going to clean my apartment, start doing some exercising again, and work on my online dating profile. I want to have all of my ducks in a row come January.

inside the facade.

Okay, I don't even know why I'm writing an entry about this. Probably because College BFF is going to poke my eyes out if I bitch and moan to her anymore. So I have to put it in the blog.

I am totally not over TG. It's been since August - that's like 3 months - and I'm still not over him. Lately I cannot stop thinking about him and it makes me angry and sad. He's been contacting me sporadically - keeping me updated on his job hunt (including a job that may be on the East Coast, near NYC). He sent me a message last night about getting an offer but he didn't say where or with who. All of it is driving me stir-crazy. I can't focus on anything and I keep thinking about him. Keep reminiscing about being with him, about sex with him, things he's said to me, places we've gone, things we've done. Little inside jokes we have and the things he would always say and do for me. I can't stop thinking about it. And whenever I hear about his girlfriend, I get irrationally angry. Like reading about her cooking him dinner (maybe I should really remove him from my twitter). I just felt so sad and upset about all of it. Probably because I'm alone and no one will date me because I'm *insert horrible adjectives here* God, it's depressing. None of the men I've been interested in during the past couple of months has turned out to be anything of substance. I currently have a new crush, but I won't talk about it because I'm afraid of jinxing it/I think it's hopeless anyway.

And so last night, I spent the night drinking vodka, reading Dostoevsky, and feeling sorry for myself - thinking horrible thoughts and reliving old memories. God, I've actually become pathetic. I hate even putting this down on paper because I don't want to feel anything - I just want to numb myself to everything.

All I could keep thinking was why? Why on earth would anyone subject themselves to this feeling? How can people go through this multiple times? I don't understand it. Nothing I've ever felt has been like this. No man has ever made me feel this horrible. Ever. I thought only I had the ability to do this to myself. I don't even want to look for anyone else because I just know that he'll make me feel this way, too. To open oneself up is to be vulnerable and I just don't think I have the stomach for it. Seriously, I spend all my time putting up this front of ice cold steeliness. Well, ladies and gentleman, it's a facade. It's fake. The weakest people put up the strongest fronts and I am definitely a prime example of that.

There's a face that we hide

Til the nighttime appears

And what's hiding inside

Behind all of our fears

Is our true self

Locked inside the facade.

the bell jar.

Lately, I've been freaking out a bit about everything - life, men, my future, my friendships, all of it. I'm starting to fear for my sanity - I feel oddly depressed sometimes and I don't know what to do with myself. I just have so many thoughts swirling around. Going home was nice because I got to get away from everything in Manhattan - from feeling like I've failed at life and I have no one and nothing. Sometimes I feel numb and sometimes I have that sinking feeling in my stomach, but either way it's unpleasant.

Sylvia Plath described her depression as a feeling of being trapped under a bell jar, struggling for breath. I've never really felt that way. For me, it's like being on the beach. The sun is shining, people are playing and you can see everyone having a good time and frolicing. But, you're stuck in the water, just watching. You can't move - you can't go forward or backward - you're stuck. And you can see this wave coming - you know it's approaching and you're watching it. And then it envelopes you and you're swept away under the current. And then it passes and you've been deposited somewhere else - away from where you were before. You can either go frolic and play while you wait for the next wave, but the point is that the next wave will always come. It's inevitable. It may take 5 months, it may take 5 minutes - but it's coming and all you can do is wait for it. Better to be prepared than caught off guard.

Haha - I'm so fucking jaded. Love it.

i can't sit still, so i need to write.

I really don't want to go back to California tomorrow. I just don't. I'm not ready and thinking about it makes me cry. I love being in my parents' house, away from the drama of California, able to just sleep and chill and relax without any stress. I'm afraid my body won't deal well with going back to work and life. Especially since my numbers are still off. But this is the busiest time of year and I can't just fall back. I don't want to just fall back. Sigh.

I love being in my parents' house. I like walking around, reliving memories, being childlike. Not having to do anything for myself. Sleeping when I need it, eating food that's prepared for me (well, I suppose I do that at work), enjoying premium cable. And then tomorrow I have to go back to the sorry state of life in California. I can't even do the things I like to do. I mean, I'll probably be off of alcohol for at least the next month for sure, but most likely for the next 3 months. Ugh. Which means I have nothing. No significant others, no outlet, nothing. I mean, I guess I have my friends, but I'll be too tired to be how I normally am with them.

I just don't know if I can handle it. I want to retreat. I need to retreat. This is what I do. I ponder, I think, I write, I laugh, I cry, I mull, I mope, I pace. All of which is easier to do at home. I just don't know. I hate things right now. Too much to worry about. And I know I'm stronger than this and I'll get over it, but for right now it just sucks.

depressed and anti-social.

Before I launch into a tirade on how I hate my life and everything about it, can I just say congrats to my baby brother, Juan (hahahaha, this might be my favorite pseudonym EVER), for getting into college and getting a scholarship!!!!!! I'm so happy for him and I know my mother is thrilled because she was so nervous that it wouldn't happen. So yay!

In other, closer to the title news, I told my mother that I'm seriously gunning to be in New York City by this summer. She didn't say anything, but she seemed really keen on the idea. HAHA. I love how my mom and I never talk openly about things like that. Things I'll never say - "I'm so unhappy here that I want to hang myself." Things she'll never say - "I miss you and would like it if you were close." Oh, mom... and you all wonder why I'm an emotionless shrew...

ANYHOW. Yesterday I did the rudest thing ever and I just didn't give a fuck. That's the stage that I'm at now... where I could care less what anyone thinks of me. Seriously. I honestly do not give a shit. I can't even lie about anything anymore. I hate it here. I love my job and working for the **** is amazing, but I need a locale change STAT. I'm going to kill someone pretty soon. The sick thing is - I'd be happy if I just knew that I could get changed to that office. But, I don't even know if it's possible. If I knew I was stuck here for another year, I could just fix shit and move on. But I'm in limbo and I could care less about burning bridges. UGH.

Yeah, so yesterday I was insanely anti-social. We had our weekly movie night and I just was so tired from Disney and so tired of life that I couldn't deal. I came home late and locked myself up in my room and went to bed at 9:30. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I'm at the point where I can't just smile and act like everything is okay. I also cannot handle group interactions right now. I can do 1:1, maybe a group of 3 or 4. Anything more than that makes me want to scream. ARG. Is this shit over yet?

the bell jar.

Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar is one of my favorite novels. I've felt the exact way Esther Greenwood has, trapped in a jar, barely able to breathe, unable to connect to the world outside. Lately, I've been feeling that way and it's been rough. I've been considering moving back to New York. I'm still unsure. I just don't feel happy here in a very fundamental way. I have this picture of what my life should look like and what qualities it would entail and none of those images are anywhere near reality. And I'm just not sure if I have it in me to do this anymore. I can't be unhappy, cranky, and miserable for much longer.

It's even worse because there are periods of unhappiness punctuated with genuine good times. I could handle all shit or all positive experiences, but the thought of all this see-sawing is maddening. I want to feel happy, but for some reason it's so elusive. Maybe it's the weather - it's been raining like whoa here. Or it could be the birth control hormones/the fact that I just got my period. But whatever it is, I don't feel right. I hate everything and everyone; I don't want to talk or be polite, instead I'd rather be sullen and rude. I'm probably going to lose every friend I have in this godforsaken place if I don't get a grip.

Last night, I told two of my closest friends how I feel. That was very cathartic and helpful. I think I just need to be honest with people about where I am mentally right now. I hate this stigma that you cannot talk about the things that bother you because you don't want to make people uncomfortable or show them that your life isn't perfect and happy. That's just bullshit. You should be able to tell your friends almost everything, or else they shouldn't be your friends.

So I'm going to put this out there for all of the blogosphere to hear. I am unhappy. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I feel misunderstood. I feel like no one truly understands me and that my wants and needs don't sync up with anyone I know. I'm surrounded by people and yet I feel like I'm speaking English and everyone else is conversing in Swahili, completely unaware that I'm not comprehending. I might need to go back to New York. I might need to change my life. Because I'm tired of doing shit I don't want to in order to keep up appearances.

Thank you and goodnight.