interim blogging.

In the interim... you can find me at http://justgrowupalready.tumblr.com

FYI.

this is the last time...

I am back! Well, I've been back for the past two weeks or so and I've been putting off writing this for a number of reasons. I'm kind of lazy right now - call it the post-vacation doldrums. It's hard to re-enter your real life after taking a voluntary, breathtaking leave of absence from it. Nothing feels the same and yet everything is. It's bizarre. While away, I made the decision to shutter this corner of the internet, where I've written in brutally honest detail for the past 6 years. This blog is SO important to me and always will be - I wrote about my insecurities, my highs, my lows. There were the stories about men and my limited successes and staggeringly large number of failures in the romantic arena. This place is like home to me, but it's time to move it along.

Working where I work and doing what I do, I sometimes felt it was silly to have this kind of stuff up here. I mean, I'm not nearly important enough that I think anyone gives two shits who is in my bed or any of that, but you never know. Mostly, I think I fear meeting someone and having them find out that I spent a ridiculous amount of time detailing in the minutiae of our relationship (and all my relationships) with the great beyond. I already hurt someone like that once and while I have no feelings left for him and no regrets about blogging about him, I've grown a bit since then and I don't know if that's how I want to conduct myself as I look for a life partner.

I'm growing up - I'm changing, I'm refining, I'm redesigning. I'm becoming Cleo 3.0. I tend to view my life in tech terms - there is everything before high school graduation (Beta), there are the Brown years (1.0), and then there's post-Brown (2.0). Now -- I don't know what happens next, but I'm trying to figure it out. The trip was interesting because I didn't think it was important while it was happening. I mean, yes - I loved being abroad and doing what I wanted to do and dealing with loneliness, even embracing loneliness, but I never thought I was having any kind of epiphany or revelation about life. Since I've been back, little nagging things have gotten to me. Do I like my job? I mean, I love events. I know that, but am I where I should be? What is it that moves and drives me? I'm trying to be smarter in my friendships - more giving and more focused on quality and not quantity. I'm trying to grow up and live a more adult existence.

I'm also fascinated with the idea of the Saturn Return, which I'm fast approaching. Per Wikipedia,

In astrology, especially horoscopic astrology the Saturn return is an astrological transit when a transiting Saturn planet returns to the same point in the sky that it occupied at the moment of a person's birth (natal chart).

Saturn Return is an alleged phenomenon which is described as influencing a person's life development at 27 to 29 or 30-year intervals. It is believed by astrologers that, as Saturn "returns" to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. With the first Saturn return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. 

I feel like it really is time for me to woman up. To step out of childhood and enter adulthood, whatever that means. I'm still deciding what that means for me, but I enjoy asking the question. This space has been life-changing for me, and to anyone who reads this - I just want to thank you for giving me an audience, for commenting and taking the time to read about my life. This blog has brought me more joy than I would have ever thought. It became a truly important part of my life at a time when I was lonely, confused, and needed an outlet. I will probably set up shop somewhere else - in a different format, but I don't know what that looks like yet. I'll be sure to update when I do. I'll retain the pillowtalkisextra@gmail.com address, if you want to be in touch. Still debating how to handle Twitter, but those of you who I follow, I'll add you on my private account if and when I delete the @pillowtkisextra handle.

I'm going to miss this space, but it's time to move on. Thanks again for reading!

Love always,
Cleo

euro trip 2013!

Holy Lord! Today is it! I leave on a plane in about 7 hours to head to Edinburgh. It has been a *rough* couple of days getting ready for this trip, but I'm starting to get more and more excited. Although, I have been reading up on travel theft and now I'm terrified someone's going to fleece me for all I'm worth. I'm still processing what I want this trip to be about - I'm not 100% sure what I hope to gain from it, but I want it to be meaningful. I've also decided to blog about all of this in a completely separate domain, a less anonymous one where I can post photos and such. I thought about posting the link here, but I'd like to keep the two places separate. If you're interested in the link, please email me - pillowtalkisextra@gmail.com or tweet me (@pillowtkisextra) and I'll shoot you the link. Until then, this blog will be pretty quiet until October 31st --- well, unless I do something so scandalous that it can only be posted here =)

See you soon!

i kind of haz a sad.

Leaving my office today was kind of sad. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone, especially Life Coach, who will no longer be on my team when I return. I just feel like I'm going into the great unknown without any resources. I have this ridiculous fear of being alone, but I'm also introverted, so my thoughts are running wild. On one hand, being alone with my own thoughts without a single friendly face in a strange place for 30 days seems crazy. On the other hand, I'll get to do whatever I want and I won't have to worry about social norms. That sounds AMAZING!

I love change, but I fear it. I also fear missing out on life. While I'm off exploring the world, my friends and family will continue living their lives. Some things will change and some things will stay the same, but I won't be a part of any of it and that's sad. I like to be a part of most things. I know this time is going to fly and I know it'll be valuable to my growth as a human being, but I'm just so nervous. I'm scared of a variety of things. There's the whole "solo female traveler" thing. There's the fear of being lonely. I fear feeling like a n00b while I'm in a place I'm not familiar with. I like to challenge myself, though, and this is a great way to do it. I know I'll be okay, because I'm always okay, but I may cry a little bit before I leave. I'm just a big baby like that.

i am NOT ready.

I am really not ready to go on this trip - not mentally, emotionally, physically, or logistically. HELP ME, GOD. I mean, I'm definitely ready to stop working and not to be consumed by the minutiae of events. I'm ready to stop staring at a computer screen day in and day out. I'm ready to be alone with my thoughts and interface with who I am when I'm away from what I do. And yet, I'm a little terrified. 30 days alone with myself in foreign lands. That sounds scary. I also haven't packed or stopped my mail or gotten an international phone. I am legit behind at life. It's a little bit crazy.

Hopefully, my four days in New York will help me prepare. I'll have responsible adults around me (yay parents!) to help me think of things that the stupid part of me won't think of. That will be good. I have more on this blog and my new travel blog and my new philosophy on blogging to come, but now is not the time. Expect more updates as the days progress.

LOVE.
CJ.

party recap!

I love house parties. Seriously, there is nothing better. Invite a bunch of people over, get shitfaced in the safety of your own home, and then pass the fuck out in bed when it's done. Little effort, lots of reward. I threw my annual birthday party this past Saturday and it was amazing. I looked cute, I had all my favorite drinks, and I was shockingly more well-prepared than normal. College BFF made the most amazing jello shots ever (whiskey sour and white Russian!) and I found the cutest red solo cup shot glasses!

Anyway, announced party time was 8pm which I thought everyone knows means you come at 9pm earliest (unless you're MB or one of my old roommates or College BFF, who are welcome to come early). I guess not everyone got that memo because Life Coach's BF and SAM showed up first at 8:20pm. Haha, of course I had to get shitfaced to be socially normal. Several jello shots, two Fireball shots, and a bunch of whiskey-lemonades later, I was hammered. I get boy tunnel vision when I'm drunk, so my memory of the night it kind of fuzzy since I just talked to one person. I do remember dancing with Vest and having fun listening to music. I remember my neighbor coming down and making me close my kitchen door. I remember the boys throwing cookies everywhere and being truly frattastic, but beyond that it's a fucking blur.

The party ended when I was basically like I GIVE UP ON LIFE and laid down in my bed while people were still there. Haha - so classy. I don't remember anyone leaving. I just remember Vest volunteering to get me pizza (LOVE VEST!) and he came back with it and left the box in my bed. I think I ate a few nibbles of the pizza, then promptly turned to the left and puked in my trash can and then passed out. When I woke up in the morning, my face was in a pizza box and all my vomit was contained within my trash can. Like a fucking boss!

I love that no matter how old I get, I'm still really fucking immature. Let's hope 28 is the year I stop vomiting from alcohol consumption.

Love everything!

it's my mothereffin' birthday!

Just wanted to say that. I'm too tired to blog properly, but I'll give you a little preview. I spent all day today hating my body and alcohol's effect on it. I literally have never been this hungover in my life. I think if I had a shotgun, I would've used it to end the hell that was today. On the bright side, I had a lot of fun last night, so that was a plus. I also executed the best vomit move in history. So proud of myself. More on that tomorrow =)

last day being 27!

Tomorrow is my birthday! Eek! Another year older. I don't really think I fear aging as much as some people my age do. I'm like - whatever, it's a number! I'm still immature as fuck, black don't crack, and I have a baby face, so no big deal! Anyway, it's been a good birthday weekend so far. Saw the Oddball Comedy Festival with JazzGirl last night - SO good. The comedians were awesome! I was a little sad that the Chappelle set was so short, but I had a good time and everyone was funny and the seats were amazing, so yay!

Tonight is my birthday party. I'm definitely nervous. Worlds colliding and all. And SAM being there. God I hope I look hot and am not a mess. I have my period, though, so I highly doubt that anything fun will happen, knowing my luck. Let's just hope that I look sexy, drink enough alcohol to be witty and charming and not enough to be sick, and that everyone is enraptured by my personality haha.

Anyway, time to nap (party prep has taken everything out of me). Will fill in with details mañana!

last trip to arizona!

Eek! This is my last Paradise Valley event. It's kind of bittersweet - I'm happy to move on and do bigger and better things, BUT it's also my last event with Life Coach and it's one of my faves. I have to say that it feels like the end of an era on my team. I love how close I've gotten to so many of the girls and this will be our last big event together. To celebrate, LC and I are taking a long lunch when we arrive tomorrow and then getting mani/pedis on Saturday. Yay! Friendship!

This is also my last work event for the rest of the year! Cannot believe it. I leave on September 30th for Scotland and I couldn't be more excited. A month off of work. I've decided to completely leave my computer and work phone here in the States so I'm not even tempted to look at anything. I want a complete release from my life. Then, when I come back in November, I'll get to start my new role as pretty much the only person on the Internal Events team. I think it's going to be great! I'm going to have more responsibility and more power. I am really looking forward to being involved and I think I'll be good at it. Cannot wait!

Okay, back to work and then some packing and cleaning!

i have messed up sleep habits.

God, why am I up at 4am?! I really need to reevaluate my life. There's so much that needs to get done this month I'm starting to feel extremely overwhelmed. Luckily, event shit is shaping up nicely and I think I'm in the homestretch as far as major work goes. I just need to survive the two events, clean my house, heal my foot, and plan a European adventure. No biggie =)

I really want to recalibrate myself on this trip. Get my sleeping habits in check and develop some healthy routines. I've felt so fucking drained by life lately. It'll be nice to just relax for a month and to have some time to myself. I've been feeling overwhelmed by everything and I need to just breathe.

Now, considering I slept for like 8 hours in the middle of the freaking day, I don't know how I'm going to get myself back on track...

file under "things that only happen to cj"

Last night, I came home from my psychic appointment ready to kick back and relax. I put on some Selena Gomez and start dancing. A few minutes later, I trip over one of my Toms and my whole foot collapses in on itself. Searing, burning pain. I sit down for a bit and it's okay. I get ready for bed and go to sleep. Wake up this morning and I can barely walk, after spending the night in extreme pain having weird dreams. UGH MY LIFE.

This morning was the doctor and X-Rays and shit. This is so not the time for this. I have an event that I'm leaving for on Friday and I'll be gone for a week. I come back needing to run crazy errands for my birthday party and then it's off to New York and Europe. Sigh. I need to do a lot of things. (A) Stop dancing to teeny bopper shit (B) clean my apartment of clutter (C) Stop drinking and dancing at night.

Maybe then I'll have the life I'm meant to lead. Oh well. Wish me a speedy recovery!

i am in love with spending weekends on a lake.

The past two weekends have been amazing - for Labor Day, I did Bass Lake and this past weekend was Tahoe. Bass Lake was so cute and the water was super warm. We got a pontoon and just floated along the lake, swimming and barbecuing and having a great time. It was a ton of fun and I drank enough alcohol to tranquilize a horse. I really love Life Coach, her bf, and their friends. I'm keeping silent on the SAM situation because there's nothing like someone telling you they can find your blog (and knowing that they can) to make you wanna be discreet. The short of it though - nothing major happened, just the usual ridiculousness.

I seriously fell in LOVE with Tahoe, though. It is beautiful and the lake is so huge! The water was really cold, which was a little disappointing, but laying on the beach felt nice (I got a little tan!) and I loved river rafting (even though I got ill and puked my brains out from drinking too much on the river). I really want to look into a time share or even buying a place there that I can escape to in the summer. I can totally see my future life - being a successful, independent entrepreneur. Working summers from the cabin and renting it out in the winter for ski season. It sounds delightful.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new goal!

i want to post, but...

... instead I'm probably going to run into the bathroom at work and cry lol. I feel overwhelmed with work and emotion and I just cannot handle anything. I'm in a really pissy mood that started this morning when the MUNI driver was getting passed by joggers. FML. I also have tried like 3 times to cancel on some stupid Negro dude who wants to meet to "talk about technology." He better either be ridiculously attractive or smart because I have too much work to do to deal with people who don't understand basic social cues. He's got 30 minutes. He's cutting into my gym time. I hope I never see him again because I know he's just going to ask me about a job and I have 0 interest in being helpful at this point. I'm debating just bursting into tears while I meet with him and that will convince him that he doesn't want to work here or deal with me ever again. Real talk.

Work is insanity. I feel so freaking overwhelmed and I'm ready to be done with this. I have two annoying events starting next week and then I'm free. I'm really looking forward to my birthday and then my month off of work. I can't wait to have nothing to do. I'm just in this IDGAF mood and I can't snap out of it.

I'll update about Bass Lake later - it was amazing and awesome! A new Labor Day tradition =)

vacation!

I am so freaking happy! Today is my last day at work before my four day weekend. I have a ton of random shit I need to get done, both at work and for the lake trip. I'm steadily going through my list, and I think I'll be able to really get shit done. I have a 2:30pm Brazilian appointment and a treatment in the evening, but hopefully I have time to shop and get some outfits before then. Shopping for this trip has been a struggle and I'm sure I'm not going to be as attractive as I want to, but I'll live. It's not like this boy has never seen me before and to be honest, I have this feeling that absolutely nothing is going to happen anyway. Except I'll probably do something to make a fool of myself, because that is my life. All day. Every day. #foreveralone

Tomorrow I have the day off and I plan on going to the Gold Club (a strip club in SF) for $5 fried chicken buffet lunch with AP! Cannot wait. Of course, this is only a reward if I actually clean and pack before tomorrow at 9:30am. Wish me luck! I swear - this will be the day that I don't leave packing to the last minute!

Happy Labor Day, ya'll!

looks like i'm going to be in SF...

I heard back from the rotation program this afternoon and I didn't get my choice. Part of me is sad about it, part of me thinks I should've applied for the Dublin Events role, even though I really have no desire to be in Dublin or do a job that I essentially already do. A larger part of me, though, is okay with it. I often try to stamp my emotions down or deny them, but I haven't really thought much about not getting it since I've found out. I feel at peace, which is weird for me. I believe in a higher power and that things do (and don't) happen for a reason. So I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be where I'm supposed to be.

That said. Holy shit. I have a European month-long adventure to plan! I'm so excited about the prospect of a vacation, but I'm also incredibly nervous about planning one. I've never really been abroad by myself and certainly not for 30 days. I hope I don't drive myself crazy, but I really, really want to do this, even though it's terrifying. I think it'll be good for me. Also, it means no work for 30 days. HOLLER.

Lastly, I'm kind of happy I'll be in SF for those two months. I have NO events (shocking, right?!), which means I can take some time to focus on me. Working out, eating better, living it up with my friends, and exploring some of my new interests (I'm thinking of taking a 6 week burlesque course AND I want to get into football/rugby this season). I love my life in SF and I'll get a chance to live it. Looking forward to seeing what comes down the pike!

losing my motivation.

I am so frustrated with life and work right now. I really need a vacation and a break. I also really need the freaking HR department at my job to let me know what my life is going to be for the next three months. Am I going to London? Am I not? I need to know!!! Seriously. I just want to be able to plan my life. I get antsy when I have too much uncertainty.

Life Coach sent me an email about a girl who quit working at my company to explore what she wanted to do, and I'm not going to lie, it sounded amazing. I know that this is just a phase and that it mostly is because I'm working on things that don't interest me, but I'm bored. I have two events I'm working on right now, but one of them I've done for 3 years and the other is kind of lame. I need a challenge! I'm ready to shake things up.

I guess I should be happy that I'm going away this Friday. I think the weekend is going to be really nice and I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of town and hanging out by a lake all weekend. Plus, I really like Life Coach, her bf, and their friends. It'll be cool to chill with them, drink all day, relax, and eat good food that I don't have to prepare. I just have to make it til then. God help me.

When I get back, I need to take a hard look at my career and what I want from it. Our team is going through some change right now and I think that it's the perfect time for me to reevaluate what I want and position myself to get it.

big ball of emotional weirdness.

I know my hormones are all out of whack (I have my period right now), but I just feel so full of craziness that it makes me want to SCREAM. My sleeping is a bit off, which is always true, but last night I stayed up watching She's Gotta Have It and wishing that there was a way for a woman to be fully in control of her sexuality without feeling punished for it. I just want what I want when I want it and how I want it. Is that too hard to ask?

What's on my mind? A lot of things. First off, I'm going away this weekend with Life Coach, her bf, her bf's brother and his girlfriend, a random single gay friend, and ... Secret Agent Man. So I'm stressing about that. Life Coach's bf is constantly trying to get us to have sex and as much as I want that to happen, my insecurities are making things difficult. I don't know if I think he's into me or if he's just being polite when he touches and flirts with me. I mean, he is smoking hot, he has a sexy job, and he has women throwing himself at him left and right. Why on earth would he want to hook up with me? I'm a gigantic awkward hot mess, in addition to being a complete nerd with self-esteem issues and the desire to lose like a thousand pounds. UGH. My life. So, there's planning for that. I need outfits that show off my chest and don't make my stomach/ass look too big. Problematic. Besides all of that, I need to not act crazy or weird, which is hard for me. I can already predict how this is going to go. I'm going to be drunk for four days straight and say things that are so inappropriate that I'm cringing just thinking about them. Stay tuned for Tuesday's update. It's going to be a doozy!

Also, Jersey Boy. I know how this goes. This is my usual pattern. Boy messages me on OKC. I think boy is not attractive, but he makes me laugh or I like some other part of his personality so I bite. Boy and I go on date. I charm his pants off and he pursues me wildly - daily texts, messages, emails, etc. I'm lukewarm about it, but embrace the attention.We sleep together. Boy is further enamored and keeps pursuing me because I'm amazing in bed (and so modest). Boy makes some gesture that smells like commitment to me. I act like a shady mofo and guy thinks I'm a ho. Boy steps off. I get more interested. Then I'm the one whose heart gets stomped on when I wasn't even initially interested in the first place. It's a problem. I just hate that he never contacts me anymore, but then will say stupid shit like "Why do you think I don't want to hang out with you?" I'm not even looking for relationship shit - I just want a guy to like booty call me every week. Oh well... this is where I'm at with him.

Lastly, I need to know if I'm going to London or not. Hopefully that happens this week.

Cannot wait for my life to settle itself because I'm a basketcase!

file under: things that only happen to CJ.

Jesus Lord. It has been a hell of a week. No lie. Let's see - this week I (a) initiated a booty call (b) got stuck in an elevator (c) discovered that I need to spend more time in Oakland and (d) got into a verbal altercation with a creepster at 2am at a friend's party. Shit was cray.

Wednesday night was a little bit of a shitshow. I went out with AP to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Yes, that's the name of a bar in SF. Yes, I know it's a Muppets reference. Welcome to the weird world of the Left Coast - it's a jungle of ridiculousness out here. They had $.25 wing night, so we went to eat cheap food and drink copious amounts of alcohol. After wings, tots, mozzie sticks, and 3 pitchers, I was DYING. Just to hammer that in, we had 3 pitchers of mixed drinks, not beer. One Moscow mule, two sweet tea vodka/lemonade. Ridick, but so much fun. "They're mostly ice, anyway," according to AP. I don't know about that, but we somehow powered through. It was a pretty fun time. The bar has an outdoor patio and there were actual ethnic people there instead of the usual all white SF scene. I even got hit on by the bouncer. Holla!

After all these drinks, I was feeling bold, so I texted Jersey Boy with some random bullshit about the Giants game. All of that turned into me mocking him for going to bed at 10:15pm and how he couldn't keep up with me. "Why don't you come over here and see how I keep up, wise guy." Normally, I would be coy and girly, but I've been in this NEED TO GET LAID mentality lately, so I called him on his bluff and told him that I would come over right away and see if he could stay awake. Naturally, he backpedaled, so I played the whiny "you never want to see me - just let me pick my shattered self-esteem off of the floor now and move on with my life" card. Yes, those are actual words I texted. I'm so ashamed of myself. Normally, I don't get down like that, but alcohol is one hell of a drug. He was like "Whoa whoa whoa. If you're okay with me being sleepy, then I'm all about hanging out." So for the first time ever, I make an executive decision with a man and decided that I wanted to come over so I went over.

Made it to his place, he buzzed me in, and then because I'm lazy, I got into the elevator to get to the 3rd floor. Whoops. Mistake. I get in, the doors close, I press 3 and nothing happens. Fuck me. I'm pressing every button there is and trying to get the door to open, but nothing is working. He texts me asking if I got lost, as it's been about 5 minutes since he buzzed me in. I tell him I'm stuck in the elevator and he doesn't believe me. Only me. Seriously, this shit only happens to me. Luckily, the cell still works, so he and I text back and forth for another 10 minutes trying different things to get the door open. Then he asks if there's a phone in the elevator and there is, so I dial the help number. Someone picks up and walks me through various steps to get out. None of them work. "Well, miss, I think you're going to have the pry the doors open yourself." I do this and then I'm free and Jersey Boy is waiting for me outside the elevator. He mocks me for both choosing to take the elevator and then for having superhuman strength to get the doors open and I'm mortified. I mean, first I browbeat this motherfucker to let me come see him when he's exhausted and in bed and then after an hour, I show up, break his elevator, and am a drunken mess. #thisiswhyi'msingle

We had a nice night, though. Cuddling and hooking up and him admiring my new havana twist hairstyle. Initially, he was hesitant about hooking up with me as he deemed me drunk and didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. I was pretty convincing, though. I mean, basically a few denials of drunkenness and clever uses of my tongue and hands and he was like "welllll, I guess this is okay." Men are SO easy. I could get one off in my sleep. I stayed the night and it was pleasant. We got up the next morning and he waited with me for my ride like a gentleman and we said our goodbyes. No clue what's going on with him, though, and if I'll ever see him again. I don't know if I should have that come to Jesus chat with him about what we both want this to be. I think I'll just wait until after my Labor Day weekend trip. More on that to come...

uncomfortable truths.

In an effort to keep it real on this blog, I want to explore some "uncomfortable truths" - basically what I like to call all those things about myself that nag the shit of me and make me doubt myself. I think it'll be interesting (and informative and cathartic) to talk about some the things in my life that scare the shit out of me. So here goes the top 10 list:

1. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of a complete mental breakdown, and I'm almost certain I'll have one at some point in my life.
2. I spent a good 3 years cutting myself with razors for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me.
3. I am really moody and it fucking sucks.
4. I am deathly afraid of being alone.
5. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 21 years old and I'm afraid this has informed every sad misstep of my sexual and romantic life.
6. I am so afraid of confrontation that I'd rather hurt myself than to bring up my grievances with another person.
7. I have had some sexual encounters that make me ashamed as both a feminist and someone who is super invested in sex education.
8. Being black is both a blessing and a curse and there are days when I am just so angry at the world that I don't know if I can handle being around non-black people.
9. Sometimes I wonder if I have the ability to actually grow up.
10. At the end of the day, I can be completely selfish, narcissistic, and cold. I often wonder if this is why I am single.

There you have it. All Most of the stuff I dislike about myself or that keeps me up at night. It'll be interesting exploring these issues here. I also plan to make a list of amazing things about my life that excite me because I hate only focusing on the negative. 

commitment.

I've been neglecting this blog, which makes me kind of sad. Blogging has been this insanely amazing journey for me - I've been doing it for ten freaking years! I don't think there's anything I've done for more than 10 years (besides being sarcastic and drinking copious amounts of alcohol). This is a positive. Yet, I find it hard to write anything lately. I don't know if I'm blocked or what, but I want to recommit myself to this blog. I also want to recommit myself to being a better blogger. Even when my life isn't super interesting, I feel like I have a lot going on inside my head that needs to come out. I want to write about the things that scare me. The things inside myself that are dark or uncomfortable or not so nice.

I want to leave my blood and guts on this blog because maybe it'll help me grow a little.

a weekend without lists.

As many of you may know, I am truly crazy. I have this weird OCD obsession with lists that is borderline unhealthy, but allows me to feel like I'm in perfect control of my life. Whenever people hear that I make lists, they tend to commiserate and share their list-making tendencies, but I'm a horse of a different color. I make at least 8 lists a day - I have a standard morning list and then one in the evening that includes things like 'wash face,' 'brush teeth,' and 'go to the bathroom.' Yes, I have issues. I know. My therapist and I are working on it diligently. I make lists every day, including weekends and holidays. It's a disease, but I hide it fairly well - someone once called me a "highly functioning nutjob."

In that vein, I am proud to announce that I didn't make any lists this weekend! I actually lived my life instead of crossing it off of a list! So exciting =) Friday night, I watched The Canyons with Vest and JazzGirl. OMG, it was terrible. Like the worst thing I've ever seen. I was so uncomfortable and unhappy the whole time - terrible acting, terrible script and dialogue. Jesus! I will never get those 100 minutes of my life back. I finally found something even alcohol couldn't improve. Saturday, JazzGirl and Vest joined me at Bingo (looove bingo always!). No one won, but I had fun and I've made friendly with the bartender, who gave me a free drink! Then we ate glorious food at a new dumpling place, which was so delicious. After that, we went to a going away party for SM. I still can't believe she's moving - I get so sad whenever anyone leaves San Francisco. I want everyone to stay forever and hang out with me always - haha. But, I'm happy when people move on with life and find exciting new opportunities.

Sunday was a shitshow. God. I was supposed to be good, but after sleeping in and watching Orphan Black and Orange is the New Black, I went to Fort Mason with College BFF and AP. SO much fun - picnicking, drinking, laying out in the cool SF summer. Then, we went exploring in the Marina - drinks at Campus and chatting about boys and future fun plans. We were joined by Vest (I may start calling him #butterfly if he keeps on being social like that), who encouraged us to drink more. Then we were off to Tacolicious for an amazing meal that I ate way too much of. Seriously, I felt so ill and was pretty sure I was either going to vomit or explode. AP then took us to the Triangle, where I was having none of it. I stopped drinking, which I needed in order to not die. Then home to pass out!

All in all, it was a fun weekend. The introvert in me will be recovering for weeks from this and the OCD crazy nut in me feels like she can't breathe because there was SO MUCH that didn't get done. Despite that, though, I'm really happy that I just had some fun. I don't allow myself to do that too often.

hermit-status.

I've spent the past two days interacting with almost no one. After my parents left, I really needed some alone time, so I've been working from home and doing absolutely nothing social for the past two days. It's been really nice. I need to rest and recharge after spending so much time with others. I often fear that I can never live with someone or be in a serious relationship because I get really moody and need to just be alone for stretches of time. I think I'm ready to break out of my cocoon over the weekend, though. I have plans to do the usual Saturday bingo, a going away party, and Fort Mason on Sunday. Just the right amount of socialization. I also just realized I'm not traveling until September, which is amazing. I get a month to enjoy the cold snap we've been getting here in SF. You haven't really lived until you've gone through a 58 degree August day. I love it here, though, despite all of that.

I had therapy today. We talked pretty much exclusively about my issues with men and my crippling shyness. Where I stand right now - Jersey Boy and I are having a hell of a time getting together. It's like our schedules just won't align. That equals lots of late night texts filled with innuendo. I swear to God, it's been lady blue ball city up in here. I need to get laid STAT and he doesn't come back until August 20th. The Lord is testing me... Then, there's Secret Agent Man, who frustrates me to no end. I know I should just DO something about it - like text him or tell our mutual friends that I want to jump his bones, but instead I'm doing a lot of pining. I've set some goals for myself, though, and I'm hoping to achieve them. It's just nerve-wracking not knowing what a man wants from you. I wish I could just go up to people and be like - YOU. I'd like to have sex with you, please. That would be nice. But no, instead it's coy games and waiting and forgetting and remembering and laughing and giggling and flirting and being suggestive. I mean, I like all of that stuff, but up to a point. I think I'm at that point.

Anyhow, time for me to get some dinner in my stomach. I've been eating like a small woodland creature over the past two days - nibbling at random shit. Time to make something decadently unhealthy =)

parental visit.

It was a really nice visit with my parents this time around. I feel like 3 days was the perfect amount of time - we got to do some exploring, they fixed some things around the house, and we spent quality time together without killing each other. For an introvert who needs her space like me, this was good. I'm looking forward to having my apartment and my free time back.

My parents don't really like to do the touristy things, so we really kept that to a minimum. We walked around Golden Gate Park - did the Conservatory of Flowers and the Tea Gardens. I put my hand in the water and a gigantic fish opened its mouth and tried to devour my finger! Scary! I took them to my office to meet my work friends and we had lunch with College BFF and her mom, which was really very nice. I got some home improvement shite done, too. New shoe racks, new towel racks, and a brand spanking new shower head! I also got them to take my 7 bags of clothes to the Goodwill! I love that my parents are super useful - it makes visits with them even more fun.

Today, we explored Sonoma - did a couple of wineries and ate lunch in town. It was a beautiful, hot day out there and great to escape the 60 degree August of San Francisco. My parents and I gossiped a little bit about my brothers and where we think we'll be in 5 years. It's strange to see your parents' fears about your life and to talk about your siblings in an open and honest way. It was refreshing. I know my mom worries about my single-ness and my ability to find a man that's right for me. She laid it out pretty well for me. "Basically, you have two issues. One, you're incredibly intelligent and you need someone who can keep up with you. Two, you're incredibly spoiled, and you need a man that's going to be on board with that." Yup yup, all true. I'm a Long Island Princess who's too intellectual for my own good. I'm going to die alone. But, that's neither here nor there. I was just intrigued by their viewpoint of me, which is pretty accurate.

Okay, time for me to get my spoiled booty in bed. I have to work tomorrow and I have a TON of meetings. God help me! Goodnight, ya'll!

so much cleaning and prep to do.

My parents are coming to visit on Sunday AM and I am SO not ready. I worked from home today, but unfortunately I actually had a lot of work, so I'm still kind of behind. I have the cleaners and laundry people coming today, but my bedroom is still a hot mess. I'm trying to power through cleaning it, so the guy can at least take a stab at it, but I'm going to have to do some supplemental cleaning. Also, my closet. HOT MESS. I have to clean it all out before they get here and I'm scared it's going to take at least 12 hours. Lord help me! Luckily, I've hidden all my sex toys and books. I can't have The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women laying around!

There's also a shit ton of shopping that needs to get done, as well. Having that Arizona trip for work this week was not helpful. I am looking forward to seeing them, although I always have anxiety when I see my mother. I wonder what part of my looks/appearance she'll decide to harp on while she's here. Maybe I should take bets? When I have a daughter, I'm going to encourage her to love herself regardless of anything. I think I naturally tend toward the neurotic, but my mother certainly hasn't helped anything. BUT, this is not a therapy session, so let's move it along.

No fun will be had over the next couple of days. Boo.

crushed.

I've been feeling mildly sick over the past couple of days due to alcohol consumption combined with being a woman. It sucks! And yet, I find it hard to stop drinking. Oh, well... This was one of the most fun weekends in a long time. I've been doing so much traveling and event stuff that this was really the first time that I could be social.

Got up early on Saturday morning to see Fruitvale Station with College BFF. Basically, the movie DESTROYED me. I felt this mix of anger and sadness at how terrible it is to be a black man in America. I can't even talk about it because I'll just get even more mad. It makes it hard to look at white people after seeing a movie like that. I almost lost my shit at the end - I thought I was going to break down. I cried a lot, but there was a moment where I thought I was going to wail and sob and I had to channel my inner G and lock that shit up. Since I'm an idiot, I scheduled a fucking Brazilian wax after that. Because that's exactly what you want to do after having your heart ripped out - pour hot wax on your genitals. Poor timing, as per usual. Saturday night, Vest and I had a mini-date and went to Bingo together in the Sunset. We lost (sadface), but it was still fun to get wasted! We also discovered a new part of town - Forest Hill! I want to live in the little Pennsylvania Dutch-looking houses! Met up with JazzGirl for dinner and more alcohol. Then I made everyone get dessert at a nearby restaurant. I was thoroughly blitzed by the end and went home and passed the fuck out.

Sunday morning was brunch with Gremlin! Yay! I've missed her so. JazzGirl and I took her to Absinthe and had delicious brunch and cocktails, followed by shopping. We saw the smallest "bras" known to humanity. Seriously, it was like a small strip of fabric that would fit around my thigh. If you don't have any breasts, why the need for a bra? I do not get it. Meanwhile, my 36F chest can barely be contained. I love my boobs, but sometimes they can be a burden. Post-brunch, I went to JazzGirl's house, where she gave me a mani - I love her because she doesn't mock me for not knowing how to do girly things like makeup and nails and will help me with them. Yay! Friendship! Gossiped a bit and then I went home to get ready for my friend's fundraiser.

Fundraiser was amazing - so much fun! And the triumphant return of Secret Agent Man, who I've had this long simmering crush on for over a year. Honestly, I don't think he could've been more perfect. His chest looked so amazingly built and was rock hard (yeah, I touched it... but in a subtle way... I swear). He's so tall and I never noticed that his eyes were hazel. Jesus Lord, you guys. I can't handle it. I never crush on boys. EVER. I don't even know what to do with myself right now. I'm like, in it. I have to find a way to forget this kid because he is seriously distracting.

ANYWAY, I was nervous about the prospect of him being there and me being all awkward and shit. Of course, he's smooth as fuck, so he came over to me with his arms out and gave me a gigantic hug and told me that I looked nice (and that I always look nice... sigh). We chatted and caught up on each other's lives. He bought a house and he loves it. He asked me about my Euro trip and said it was really badass and cool that I was going alone. He warned me about Italian men and how they are going to aggressively try to grind on me in clubs. He asked me if I was going to move back to New York eventually and I was like "fuck no" and he gave me another hug. My friends ditched me while we were talking, so after a bit I went to go rejoin them. The rest of the night is a drunken hazy blur (three days of drinking will do that) - so I only remember bits and pieces. He's super touchy feely with me and kept chatting me up and putting his arm around me and touching my arm or hugging me. I normally hate human affection, but when a 6'2" bearded buff Italian man is the one doing it, I'm kinda like - wellllll, this isn't so bad. He commented that he needed to get me out to the Sunset and we have to do drinks sometime. At the end of the night, as I was going to call an Uber, he told me I should not do that and get a ride with him instead. I was so excited thinking FINALLY - ALONE TIME. But then, because God doesn't want me to be happy, his friend decided to stay at his house, so there were three of us in the car. FAIL.

I decided I had to do something - I can't let it be like 6 months until we see each other again, but I'm shy, so I just wanted to plant a small seed. I spent like an hour getting coached by Vest on what to say ("God, I don't know how men date girls - you're all idiots" was his response to my craziness). I decided to send a text (he asked for my number the first day we met like a year ago) and not sign it. I thanked him for the ride, made a quick reference to something we'd talked about, and then said we should do drinks sometime in the Sunset. Then I had a heart attack and ran away from my phone for an hour. When I had the courage to come back and look, he had texted back saying "Definitely! Anytime, Cleo. Have a good night." Test passed - he knows who I am and now he can be reminded that he has my digits. Everyone says I should ask him out, but I'm just too shy. I really just want to get drunk and do things to him that are illegal in several states. I mean, I would be throwing out all my tricks if I ever get him naked. Seriously. So yes, this is where I am. In crush mode. It sucks. Hopefully I'll forget him in a week. I don't like liking people. I prefer to have a thinly veiled layer of contempt for all the men I date. Le sigh.

we like to party!

However, we don't like to do anything the day after... Today was my usual hangover day. Worked from home, went to therapy, canceled my evening plans. This must be what getting old feels like. Last night, AP and I decided to go out to one of our new favorite bar/BBQ joints. Of course, it was closed. That's fine, though, cuz we moved the party to House of Prime Rib (so random, but so delicious). Absolutely amazing dinner, gigantic martinis, and big glasses of wine at the bar. Bliss. AP is much cooler than I am, so she convinced me that I should get a drink at this bar on Polk Street afterwards. Of course, that ended up being two drinks, and then she paid $10 and spun some wheel of death, which meant we "won" (in my mind, I think we lost) 4 shots of Fireball. Thankfully, the two bartenders took them with us, so I only had to suffer through one. Shots kill me. I just can't do them anymore.

In positive news, the sexiest, tallest drink of water started talking to me and honestly, I was just happy to have 15 minutes of conversation with a man who I have to look up to and who isn't build like an adolescent girl or somebody's mother. LOOK AT GOD! Of course, because this is my life, he is from Maine and was just doing a brief visit for a wedding. Still, I'm happy that a 6'4" hottie from up North felt like approaching me. Maybe I'm not a troll!

Jersey Boy started texting me last night. I was drunk, so of course that devolved into my being super fucking inappropriate. Well, maybe not super. I didn't send any pics or make any overt promises. I did talk about taking all my clothes off, though, and my tendency to sleep in nothing but lacy boy shorts. Ugh, hate alcohol. Then, in an amazing feat of awkwardness, because I sleep with my phone, I somehow pocket dialed him from my bed and left like a 1 min message, which was just the sound of me sleeping while I watched Nightmare Before Christmas. MORTIFICATION. #thisiswhyimsingle I didn't even know I had done that, until he texted me asking if I pocket dialed him. Iyanla, fix my life. I don't even have words. One day, when I'm old, I'm going to laugh at all of this. Just not today. =P

so damn tired.

I'm basically only blogging because I said I would. I am in that post-event phase where I'm just really exhausted and can barely stay awake. My body is tired, my mind is tired, and the thing is - I am working on three events. This work is killing me right now.

In boy news, I think things with Jersey Boy are over. He's been kind of wishy-washy and flaky on text and I'm too tired to really care anymore. I'm also too tired to respond to boys on OKCupid. My job makes me not want to date. I need an injection of energy or something to get me going. On that note, though - I'd be fine if Jersey Boy just wanted to have sex. I am confused, though, by some of the things he said to me while we were in bed before. He thanked me for trusting him and being open. Yet, now he's shutting down. Oh well, ain't nobody got time for that!

My parents are on Instagram and it's bugging me out. They also don't know how it works and are posting random ass comments on my photos from 6 months ago. And by they, I mean my mother. Because my father still has a modicum of sense. Seriously, though, my heart leapt in my throat when I saw they were both following me. My brother needs to stop telling them about modern things.

I still have to blog about MB's wedding. The post is in draft mode. I just need energy to finish it.

That's all for now, folks! Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more up to chatting.

dating updates.

The rest of my team has gone shopping while I work on some things, so I'm going to take a little break and update on the state of my dating life. I went on Date 2 with Jersey Boy (new nickname alert!). It was fun - we had dinner in the Inner Richmond, then went back to his place so I could nap and sleep. I truly do love the fact that I nap on dates fairly frequently. I wonder what men who date me think. He was pretty sweet about me needing a 20 min catnap before I could do anything remotely strenuous.

Of course, we had sex because I mean, it wasn't like there was any way that wasn't going to happen. It was good. Better than the first time. He does all the things I like and does them well. I think I may be too much for him sexually - haha. I think he thinks I'm sex crazed because I basically want to go all the time. He also told me I was a lot stronger than I look and that I'm an "Amazon" - lol. I was embarrassed, but it's nothing I haven't heard before and I don't think he thinks it's a bad thing. I'm definitely not some dainty flower. Some of the men I've dated must've had really dull girlfriends, because I get a lot of comments like that.

One thing that did give me pause was that he asked if I was still active on OKCupid and how many guys I was dating. I gave a very vague answer on the first question and I told him "15" and laughed for the second one. I wonder if that put him off. He was still really affectionate towards me - kissing my forehead, cuddling, massaging my shoulders. It was really nice. He's been less chatty with me over text, so I don't know if he's busy or if I shouldn't have been an asshole about the "how many people are you dating" questions. I don't know. We'll see.

I'm still on the fence about if I like him or not. I thought second date was really good and we still get along. I just never know what I want and I second guess everything. Maybe that means it's not meant to be, but I also know that I always make poor initial decisions. I love to just judge people right off the bat and not give them chances. Let's just say - I wouldn't be friends with like 50% of the people I know now because I formed some mistaken opinion of them from Day 1. Life Coach says I have time and I don't have to rush it, so I'm going to listen to her. I still want to go out with him and kind of take it day by day. That's the plan!

montana-bound.

I have an 8am flight tomorrow. It is 1am and I am nowhere near where I should be. I came home early and napped and fucked around my apartment, which was dumb. I went on date #2 with unnamed boy and had to pry myself out of his bed at 11:15pm. I am a colossal idiot. I also have a shit-ton of work to do. What the fuck is my life right now?! I don't even know. This is only going to wreck my sleep schedule even more. I am officially a hot mess.

Going to try again tomorrow for normalcy!

crazy busy, as per usual.

Heading into another couple weeks of craziness. I often can't believe I've been in this job for only two and a half years - it feels like forever! I'm trying to remember the old lifestyle I had, where I never traveled and work was only crazy busy in April and October. I am definitely not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

This weekend I have the wedding of one of my best friends and I feel woefully unprepared. I'm still not 100% nailed down on my speech and I'm so nervous about talking in front of all of those people. I haven't made plans on what to do with my hair (although, at this stage, it's looking more and more like a wig), and I need a mani/pedi, and to get my brows threaded. I'm really excited about the big day, but I have to make it there!

In addition to that, I have a major event next week in Montana, so I have to do all my pre-travel prep work - laundry, cleaning, packing, etc. I totally forgot that my mother's birthday is tomorrow. Luckily, she is in Mexico with no phone service, so I have time to get something together. I haven't seen any of my friends in forever, so I need to carve out time for that, AND figure out if I want to try and see this boy again before I leave for Montana. Also, I need to nickname him... So much to do.

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and a little exhausted, but I'm hoping I can spend Sunday recuperating. Just keep swimming...

i swear i don't usually do this...

I had a date last night and I'm still trying to work out how I feel about it. We've been talking for almost a month, which is rare for me. I usually like to meet up with guys from OKCupid pretty quickly, but my schedule has been nuts lately with vacation and travel. We did the whole GChat/email back and forth thing and I really liked him. I was just unsure about how attractive I found him. I'm not shallow, but I mean, you want to feel some kind of way about the guy you're dating and I wasn't sure I would get there. Even though, I didn't think TG was attractive at all, and he is one of the men I've dated that I was most sexually attracted to, so you never know!

We met at a little dive bar near his apartment in the Inner Richmond - it was a cute spot. I like him a lot - he's from Jersey and sarcastic like me. He teases me in the way I like to be teased and kind of calls me on my bullshit. He asked me a LOT of questions, which I can't tell if it's a good or bad thing. I liked that he was interested in me, but I felt like I talked 2x more than he did. I think he appreciated my candor and the fact that I'm just me! We talked about exes, my random obsession with sex and sex ed, our families, work, Marie Antoinette, Game of Thrones, life in NYC - a wide variety of topics. I know I talk too much, but he was good at keeping up.

They started playing loud music in the bar and I was done drinking, so he asked if I wanted to leave. He offered to get me food (I declined because I'm starving myself for MB's wedding), so he asked if I wanted to go to this place around the corner. I said yes and he teased me about being easygoing. We got to his house and talked for a while. He has a nice apartment - 2BR, 2 bathroom, big living room, kitchen. I approved. It was not insanely messy, but also not OCD serial killer neat, so I enjoyed that. We sat on the couch talking for a bit and then after about 30 min, he got up and sat down closer to me and pulled my leg across his lap. When I finally stopped talking (I literally said "I have no more words and don't know what to say"), he kissed me. He's a good kisser, so that's a plus. I started straddling him on the couch when *poof* in come his roommate, who was supposed to be on a business trip. It was definitely a little awkward. Roommate introduced himself and was then like ".... yeahh... I have to be up early so I'm going to go turn in now." I was like OMG thank goodness I have clothes on. So we laughed about it a little bit and then started making out again. Then he wanted to move into his room and I agreed.

More making out, more clothing removal and he asks me what my policy is on sex on the first date. I tell him I usually don't like to do it unless I want nothing more to do with the guy and I don't like him seriously. He laughs and tells me it should be the opposite way. Before I know it, I have absolutely no clothes on while he's fully dressed, and I'm basically like... well, I really do want this, so why the hell not? So yeah, first date sex (not to be confused with FDA - first date anal - which DID NOT happen. Although I love that Vest asked me if it had).

I'm not regretting it at all - it was fun and what I wanted at the time, but I'm still not sure what I make of him. I don't know if I'm attracted to him - I don't find him to be cute or anything, but physically I enjoyed pretty much everything he was doing. I like his sense of humor, the fact that he's east coast, and that he likes my blerdiness. I like his witty banter and his attraction to me. He made me feel beautiful and desirable, which is something I struggle with. I've decided to just let it progress naturally. I'm not going to freak out and over-analyze. I'll just go with what feels good until it doesn't feel good anymore. He texted me this morning, so I'm glad I'm not just a one night stand. He could prove to be a good booty call situation. We shall see.

LAS.

There is nothing like watching a crash landing while you are on a plane. It is truly terrifying and has given me a new neurosis. I've never really been afraid to fly, but something about watching that flight crash land in SFO while we were landing in Vegas was kind of freaky. My heart goes out to all of the folks on that plane - cannot even begin to imagine what they went through...

I'm currently sitting in McCarran airport in Vegas, waiting for a flight out to SFO. It's been quite the travel day, that's for sure! I know a bunch of people traveling in to San Francisco today, and so far most are present and accounted for. I'm just so freaking tired. This is when teleportation would really come in handy! I'm hoping someone is working on that - Elon Musk, maybe?

I am basically just rambling because Vest said I should update and I really don't have much to say. Home was home. It's always a weird combo of nostalgia, bittersweetness, annoyance, fun, and overheating when I go back to Long Island in the summer. I'll have more to say later, but the basics - I hung out with a lot of friends, did some cool Long Island shit, and tried not to let my extreme illness get in the way. I mostly succeeded. I'm really happy that I'm going to make it back to SF tonight because that means I get to curl up in my own bed and watch DVR. I also get to have my day of pampering tomorrow, along with getting my ass back in the gym. MB's wedding is NEXT SUNDAY! I have to look pretty in a dress and I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with my hair! Oh, and write a toast for one of my best friends. How does one even begin? This is going to be quite the week.

Anyway, I'm going to just sit against this wall and let my eyes roll back into my head before I go and get a Texas sized margarita to knock me out for the plane ride.

Hope you all are well! =)

working girl.

Change is coming. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I certainly am not afraid of change - in fact, I frequently seek it out - but change at work can be nebulous and a little scary. I probably shouldn't even blog this since it's not final and some of it is confidential, but I don't have the mental capacity to blog about the things that are truly taking up space in my mind (my hair, my relationship with my mother, my relationship with my friends, being at home on the island), so work it is!

My relationship with my job is always evolving. I'm currently feeling a little lazy and burnt out from the ridiculousness that was this year. When I think of all this shit I've done (especially all the shit I did that was highly visible), I get really happy! It was a good year. Two high-profile hackathons, working registration/travel/comms on the biggest event our team has ever done, another successful developer conference - it's all good. However, I'm always like WHAT'S NEXT? I just can't relax - it's really hard for me (I work on it a LOT in therapy). It looks like what's next for me is (a) a new manager and (b) a new core role. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Regarding the manager, I think it'll be good for me. I like her (especially because she drunkenly tried to poach me at our offsite) and she's a good leader and I think she'll grow me and give me the opportunity to learn more and become a better event manager. She's already got me working on a project with her and I'm excited about it. It's more of an internal event and she's going to bring me into her big meetings with our VP and I'll actually get to contribute. I think that will be great for me. Right now, I have two dream jobs. The first one is producing the Oscars (long shot) and the second one is being the Chief of Staff to some ridiculously high-powered person (more feasible). Working with the execs at my company will give me better exposure to do something like that.

As far as my core role goes, I'm confused as always. I love my consumer events, and I love my internal events. I hope I'm not forced to choose one or the other. I also hope that I don't get shunted into doing B2B events because that's not what I want at all. It remains to be seen what will happen, but I love my developer clients. They are amazing and I don't want to give them up, even though I also love doing the internal conferences. I know there's nothing I can do now but wait, but sometimes that's the hardest part. I really have no patience.

i'm still here.

Whoops, my blog domain expired for a hot second (thanks, Vest for alerting me)! I am still here, just crazy busy as I try to explore Manhattan/Long Island while also battling this cold that will not go away. What I've done so far:

• Watched Henry Cavill in Man of Steel. I seriously just want him to fly over here, push me against the wall, and... well, let me just stop there before I can't type anymore. OMG, I don't even have any commentary about the movie because I was too busy staring at his beautiful face, amazing chest hair, and sexy physique. Everything about that man is perfect. MY BODY IS READY, MR. CAVILL - come and get it! 
• Saw fireworks with my friends! Jammerz organized a lovely firework outing in Queens, complete with food, friends, and alcohol (sadly, I wasn't drinking). It was so nice to be outside without a jacket at night. How I've missed summer nights!
• Hung out with my old teammates. We had a yummy Italian dinner followed by drinks at this really cool rum bar in the East Village. It was so nice to drink again and catch up with them. I really miss NYC sometimes! Why can't I spend 6 months here and 6 months in SF?
• Beached it with Slindy. I got a little more color and got to lay out on a proper beach. Couldn't ask for more!
• Already fought with my mother. We are currently circling each other like cats waiting to pounce. We'll see how it all goes down, but this visit has *not* been good for fam time.

That's about it! More to come, but I'm exhausted!

amazingly fun week.

This past week was our team's offsite, hence my radio silence. I also got some nasty head cold at the end of it that I'm still battling through, so bear with me as I write this in a medicine haze. The retreat was at Carmel Valley Ranch, which is truly, truly beautiful. I've stayed there before, but I'm constantly amazed at how nice the property is. The weather was gorgeous and it was a nice getaway. Work has been hard for me lately. Not because of what I have to do (the events I'm on now are running really smoothly and I'm not concerned), but because of our team structure and where I feel like I fit in. We spent a lot of the time discussing a reorganization of the team and how we can best utilize our skills. I'm really hoping some good change comes out of it because I need to mix it up a bit.

We also had some fun activities - a scavenger hunt (my team won because we are AWESOME) and a cooking challenge (we also won again because I always pick a winning team). Being sick was kind of cool because I got to be sober and it is so much fun watching our team drunk. From one of our team leads trying to poach me - "Do you like reporting to {my manager's name}? How would you like to report to ME!" to my good frien A asking me 5 million times what white elephant gift I got and swearing profusely while talking to our director and her 1 year old baby, it was awesome. We learned a lot about each other and it was the perfect mix of fun and productivity. I loved it.

Now I'm back home and I have literally 12 hours before my flight to New York. In that time I have to (a) get my bridesmaid dress (b) run errands (c) pack and (d) go to a Birthday BBQ for one of my friends. I need to get the hustle on, but I am happy that I slept a lot last night. No one wants to be sick on a red eye!

european adventure!

I have booked all of my flights to Europe this October. Shit is getting real. I can't believe I'm actually taking a month off of work. It feels so decadent and crazy! I'm going to Scotland for a week, then Italy for two weeks, and then capping it off with a resort stay in Cyprus. I'm realllly excited and also a little terrified. I've never traveled alone to a foreign land before. My parents couldn't really afford to travel internationally with four kids, so I don't much travel experience. I'm used to living in cities and I'm pretty savvy, so I think I can hold my own, but solo black female traveling is still scary. Luckily, they speak English in Scotland!

Of course, I have goals for this little adventure. I definitely want to flirt (and maybe more) with hot European men. An Italian fling sounds like the most amazing thing ever. I also want to disconnect from work and just relax. Read, write, be alone with my own thoughts. I am really looking forward to the prospect of some serious alone time, just getting to know myself again and not answering emails at all crazy hours of the day. I'm going to put a cap on that shit for sure. I don't think I'm even going to bring a laptop (!!!!), just my tablet and a smartphone.

This is one of my life goals, so I'm really happy I'm getting a chance to actually achieve it. Thanks, [insert name of birth control pill that almost killed me]! You've just paid for my vacay!

dancedancedance!

I had a ridiculous amount of fun last night, and I was pleasantly surprised. Vest and I decided we wanted to shake things up a bit and have fun. I found this dance club, Raven Bar, that seemed like a good spot and it actually turned out to be amazing. The drinks were super delicious - I had something with jalapeño and another absinthe drink - and the music was ON POINT. I don't think I've been that satisfied with a DJ's playlist ever. I want that person to DJ my wedding. Seriously. It was really nice going out with my friends and having a good time. I'm trying to spend this summer doing more things that make me happy, with the people that make me happy.

The crowd at Raven was meh. There were only two guys I found attractive - one was a guy working there (super cute, tall black hottie!) and the other was this white guy who was wearing a hoodie *and* a jacket at the club. Jesus, men in SF... cannot handle it. He was cute, though. We danced for a little bit, but we were both super awkward about it, so I didn't even really say anything to him. Just dancing and then *poof* - I left to go rejoin my friends. I am a huge ball of awkward hot mess. I need to get that under control. 

Up this week - our team offsite. Which means I'll be out of pocket for most of the week. Then, it's NEW YORK for 2 weeks. Super excited!

it is 9:45pm and i'm *still* hungover.

Jesus take the wheel. I don't know what happened last night, but I am paying dearly for it today. I was so hungover I left work at 3:45pm. My head is still throbbing - hopefully this aspirin I took kicks in soon. I don't normally go drinking on a school night, but AP invited me out at the ungodly hour of 9:30pm (I was like - "Don't you know I'm 67 years old! Can't we meet at 5?") for drinking on Polk Street. I adore AP because she's super fun, bubbly, and likes to go out. She's dragging me out of my old lady lifestyle, kicking and screaming. I mean, I'm 27 and single - I need to be doing something with my time besides getting drunk at home alone and watching Pretty Little Liars (not that I intend to stop doing those things, just less frequently).

We hit up this new bar called Bitters, Bock & Rye. Great food! Amazing cocktail menu! Super sweet bartender! I highly recommend. Between the two of us, we had every drink on the menu and I had an amazing brisket sandwich with mac and cheese. I'm black, so mac and cheese is a big deal for me - most white people (in my humble opinion) do not make it correctly. The only non-black person whose mac and cheese I'll eat is MB's because she makes it the way my mom does. This place is a new exception - that shit was amazing! Hats off to them. After talking to some randos in the bar (homeboy was CUTE but was talking about how hot David Beckham is so he may not have been straight) and doing shots with the bartender (he made me something yummy with kahlua in it!), we moved on to Blur, where I promptly fell in platonic love with their bartender. A Southern boy with a sarcastic wit! You never see that. Plus, I love people who are a little snarky, especially when they are serving me alcohol. A drink and a shot of Jameson with the bartender later and I was ready to go home.

My cab driver looked like Santa, but I liked him. He was fiesty and got me home very quickly. I promptly tumbled into bed and had a ridiculous conversation with Vest. One day, I want to make a book of all of my late night drunken convos with Vest. I think they would be very amusing. Passed out and then woke up today to a pounding headache. Work was BRUTAL today. I had to go out and get a burrito just to make it through. I need to never drink on a school night again. On the bright side, though - AP has agreed to go to Aces with me to watch Yankees games. Yay! 

And now, I'm going to chug water like it's my mothereffing job! Then Pretty Little Liars and House of Cards! TV, FTW! 

feeling a bit homesick.

I kind of miss New York. Not in that 'I want to move back there and live forever and ever amen' way, but more like 'I want to be surrounded by things and people that are familiar to me' way. I love San Francisco and California - it is truly beautiful, the weather is amazing, and there is so much to see and do. I like the unfamiliar feel of it - how everything is new to me and I still have a long list of experiences I want to have. Yet, recently, I've been longing for a New York kind of life.

I miss hot summer nights, where I don't have to wear a jacket. I miss driving around Long Island, cruising down DPA with my windows down and my music up. I even miss the presence of my parents. There's something really comforting about knowing they are close, while still being independent and not living with them. The subway - oh, God, the subway! Nothing compares to public transportation in NYC. At least nothing in the United States. I miss the way New Yorkers say Florida, orange, horrible, and Mario. Sigh. I don't know where this is all coming from - I'm very happy in SF and I have no real desire to move, but I still have this strange pull towards New York. It's almost like no matter how long I  live here, I will always feel as though my true home is New York.

I'm going to New York for ~2 weeks starting this weekend. I cannot wait! It's going to be so much fun to hang out with my friends, do Long Island/NYC shit, and be far away from the chilly SF summers. Maybe that'll be just what I need to get over this wave of homesickness that has seemed to take over my soul lately. I certainly hope so.

weekend shitshow.

My event is over and I am so freaking happy! I spent Friday volunteering (pulling weeds and watering plants... it was hell, lol) and then had a midday three martini lunch with the work girls in the Marina. After that, came home and talked to my mom for two hours. I finally saw The Great Gatsby! It was okay - I liked some of the actors (I now have a huge crush on Joel Edgerton and need to see Warrior) and I loved how pretty the visuals were. I'm in an F. Scott Fitzgerald phase right now; I'm reading a bio on his wife Zelda, and I just started re-reading The Beautiful and the Damned, so it was nice to see a movie about those times.

Yesterday was a hot mess, so I am clearly not doing anything today. Brunching at Absinthe was awesome, so were the three drinks we all had there. Then Vest thought it would be a brilliant idea to get wine at the wine bar next store. A bottle and a glass later, I was exhausted. I love how I always make these grand plans when I'm drunk - dancing at Madrone! Yay! Then when I woke up hungover at 8pm, I was like FUCK EVERYTHING, I just want to eat a lot of carbs and lie prone in my bed in the dark. Which is essentially what I did. Pizza, TV, laying in bed on the computer. Excellent Saturday night. I think the main characteristic of my adulthood is that I get drunk in the middle of the day and then spend my nights inside. Iyanla, fix my life!

Today, I'm trying to motivate myself to grab some brunch solo at Parada 22 and go book shopping at Booksmith. We'll see how far I get. So far, I'm still in bed, but at least I'm sitting up. I took tomorrow off, so I will be pampering myself with a mani/pedi and a morning movie. Not a bad Monday!

just one more day.

All I have to do is get through tomorrow. That's all and then I'm done with events for a month and a half! My next one is in July and the one after that in September. I'm really, truly looking forward to a nice, long break. My body and spirit are so goddamned tired. Even right now, I can barely stay awake and it's only 9pm.

In other news, I'm going to do it! I'm taking my solo month to explore Europe; it's what I need to feel human and centered again. I've let too many other obligations bog me down. October is going to be my month to connect with myself again. I really cannot wait. One week in Scotland, two weeks in Italy, closing out with a week in Cyprus. So amazing!

Now, I try not to fall asleep because I have a million things to do for work.

adventures in okcupid.

You all know I like to experiment and try things, but I have been going off the rails lately with my online dating. I kind of find it amusing because I'm not letting it rule my life. I used to obsess and stress about men all the time - are they writing me? Calling me? Taking me out? I feel a lot more zen about it these days and it's helped me open my mind to new experiences and also to play around a little bit. A week and a half ago, I hooked up with a hot construction worker and it was kind of amazing. Everything about his dick was perfect and it was nice to have a little no-strings-attached, 'I don't want to be your girlfriend' fling. I was hoping it would turn into an FWB thing, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards and I'm okay with it.

I've also started to get a little obsessed with men with muscles and hot bodies. I'm kind of ashamed. I'm usually not very shallow in that way, but I'm really enjoying feeling sexually attracted to men right now, without looking at personality. I've never really felt an initial strong, sexual attraction to anyone I've dated seriously. Most of the men I've dated, I was kind of 'meh' about them when we first met, from a physical standpoint. Obviously, that changed as things progressed. I mean, TOJ - I still get hot thinking about him because he was really amazing and forceful in bed and that was exciting. Even Tech Guy (god, that seems like FOREVER ago) - he knew my body really well and I was young and hot for him ALL THE TIME. It's not like I've never known desire. It's just that I've never had that OMG YOU ARE SO HOT THAT I JUST WANT TO LOOK AT YOU BEING HOT AND NAKED AND MUSCLEY IN MY APARTMENT feeling. So I enjoy that, even if I know there's no future in it.

Alos, girls who look like me don't have sex with men who look like male models. At least not on the regular. I feel othered all the time for a variety of reasons. I'm black, and while I believe that black women are phenomenally beautiful, society isn't exactly reinforcing that. I also rock my natural, kinky curly fro 100% of the time. I don't have weave down to my waist and my hair is short. If you asked me if I thought gaining weight or chopping off my hair made me feel less attractive, I would say hair hands down. Then, there's the fact that I've gained like 30 pounds since I graduated from college. Not fun. I mean, I love my ass and my tits, but I would love to get back down to where I used to be. So every time I fuck a guy who would make most women turn their heads, I secretly think to myself "YES - plus-sized black girls with short naturals can get it, too!" So I don't like to turn down those opportunities if I can get them. I do wonder when I'll go back to being my normal self, though. Maybe soon. Maybe not =) In the meantime, I'm enjoying switching it up. More on that tomorrow.

work dramzzzz.

I love love love my job. It's frustrating and crazy, but I love the fast pace and the excitement of all of it. I get to do really cool shit on a regular basis and I want whatever job I get into to have some component of event planning as a major part of it. It's really a fun world to be in. That said, I hate interpersonal, political work drama. I can't stand it and of course, I'm smack in the middle of it right now. I just got promoted (yay!) and now I have a manager title, which means I should be managing my own events. I'm doing that and it's awesome, but I'm also reporting to another manager and not to a team lead. Normally, I'd be all down for that, but my manager has recently been a little crazy and I am at the point where I just can't handle it anymore.

I feel like we have a divergence of values and she's been alienating a lot of people on the team and I don't like it. The cherry on this is that she invited a girl that I cannot stand (and that she KNOWS I cannot stand) to staff one of our events in July. I mean, I get that she doesn't have to ask my permission to do things, but when you know that your direct report cannot get along with another employee, you should monitor that situation. Instead, she just fucking steamrolled through it and offhandedly mentioned it when we were walking back from a meeting. NOT COOL. I know that she had to invite this girl, because no one else will work for her anymore because she's been evil to everyone, but a little consideration would have been nice.

Anyway, I need to start talking to my superiors. I have a long list of grievances - her behavior towards others, her taking credit for other people's ideas, and the fact that I think I'm ready to report to a team lead like a big girl. I have a meeting tomorrow and then one next week. I want to start taking control of my career and this is a good step 1.

adventures in speed dating.

Last week, a couple of friends and I went speed dating. It was truly the most exhausting evening I've had in a long time! Not to say that it wasn't fun - I like talking, so it was cool to meet 14 new guys. Plus, there were 21 girls, so we got to have breaks throughout the evening. However, it was super late and not well-run, so we were there til 11:30pm or so. We managed to get a ride from one of the guys (it's okay - he works at our company) to end the night.

I will say that introducing yourself to 14 people and having what is essentially a mini-interview each time can be tedious. Some guys were really nice and it was easy to click with them and have a great conversation. Other guys, it was like pulling teeth. There was the personal trainer from Mexico City who really had nothing to say. I kept trying to drag info out of him, but it was like talking to a wall. Then, there are the folks that just ask awkward or inappropriate questions. One of my favorites was the guy who asked me to guess his ethnicity (I said Argentinian... WRONG, he was from Italy). I felt like it really put me on the spot. Then there was another guy who after I told him that California was different from New York, decided to say "Yeah. There really aren't any blacks in San Francisco." I was mortified and didn't really know how to react to that one. I could really write a blog just on the inappropriate things that happen when you start interacially dating, but I'll leave that alone for now. He was Asian, so I was not quite as put off as I would have been if a white guy had said it, but it was still jarring.

We got our matches 48 hours later and I had two people. One was the guy who had driven us all home (he actually picked all us) and the other was a guy from Austin that I found really nice and intriguing (he also picked all of my friends). Seems like the three of us attracted a lot of the same types of people. We did all hear from Mr. Austin. He sent us the following group email:

Subject: Let's Connect
Hello Ladies,
This is Tim #10! from the speed thing this past Tuesday.
It was pleasure meeting all three of you and it sounds like you are all working in some interesting spaces.  
I'm so glad that you decided to connect with me.  Let's grab a drink next week and keep talking!

Ummm, I don't go speed dating for networking opportunities. Also, homeboy couldn't even be bothered to send three separate emails. I mean, get the fuck out. So yeah... experiment unsuccessful, but it was amusing.

my life.

Ugh, I need to keep up with this - I don't know why I'm not blogging as much lately. It's not like I don't have shit to say - I think I've just been incredibly lazy recently. I've done a lot of random shit over the past week.

1. Yesterday was College BFF's birthday. We went to the Calaveras State Park to visit the Big Trees. It was beautiful - the sequoias were breathtaking and it was a nice little hike. We also went to Columbia, which is a historic gold rush town. I thought it would be amazing, but it was a little lame. Color me unimpressed.
2. Today I saw my psychic and it really helped soothe my soul. I'll blog about it a bit later - maybe tomorrow or Wednesday, but I'm pleased I went. I had been putting it off for so long because I was scared (of what, I don't know)... so I'm glad I just sucked it up and did it.
3. I'm going speed dating tomorrow. That ought to be interesting. I have no idea what to wear, as this is SF and the men will probably be in hoodies and sneakers.
4. In my most recent stage of sexual liberation, I had first date anal. Because that's the kind of forward-thinking, sex positive harlot I am. =)
5. I went out on Friday night and stayed out late dancing at Butter. It made me miss staying out late and dancing. I'm too young (and too single) to not be going out every damn weekend. Need to fix that.
6. I want to go to Tahoe this summer for a long weekend. Someone must want to go with me.

That's all folks!

aaand now i'm sick.

Well, I made it to May without any major sickness, but now I am laid out. Sore throat, congestion, cough, the works. It sucks. I had to cancel my date with hot construction worker because I look and sound like absolute crap. He sent me a sweet email this morning, though, so that's nice. He's probably a freaking serial killer, though, knowing my luck. I also had to cancel my plans to attend a Kinky Singles Mixer tonight - that would've been AMAZING. I'm dying to check out one of those events and meet BDSMers in real life. Oh well, maybe next time.

In the meantime, I'm laying in bed all day alternating between doing bursts of work, watching copious amounts of TV (my DVR was at 99% - it was an issue), and drugging myself up to sleep. Whenever I get sick, I always miss TOJ, who made me homemade soup and delivered it to me when I was ill. I need a man like that in my life. Or a house servant. Either one will do.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to sleep... hopefully I start to feel better soon!

bay to breakers eve.

I am SO DAMN EXCITED for Bay to Breakers tomorrow! I have my costume all set - I plan on being Alex from Clockwork Orange. I'm going to be drunk before 9 am and it will be glorious! We also have mint julep jello shots and I'll be traveling with my trusty whiskey lemonades. Bay to Breakers is my favorite holiday! Now that I'm done with all my major events for a while, I can relax and have a life!

Just popping in to say hey!
Cleo

moods.

I am a moody person. I hate it. It's one of the least favorite parts of my personality, especially since I have yet to determine what my triggers are. I know I can get upset around my period - emotional and whatnot, but outside of that I have no clue when the next bout of sadness will happen. Lately, I've been feeling a little melancholy. I don't know if it's the whole Ken Doll thing or my fears about what my promotion means and living up to the new title I have. Maybe it's the fact that I'm working on a terrible event that I just can't wait to be done with. Or it could just be that I'm feeling lonely, as I sometimes feel ,even though I have a pretty full life. I don't know.

Yesterday, I just felt so off. I don't know why - it was like I wasn't physically present in the moment. Spent most of the day moping around my house, in my pajamas watching bad television. I'm glad my friends dragged me out, though. Went to play bingo in the Sunset and then eat delicious salmon after that. I never regret going out and hanging out with people, but sometimes it's so difficult to do. I have one of those weird extroverted introvert personalities that make me feel like I have a disorder. It's like - how can a person feel lonely and also want to be alone at the same time. I don't get it.

I think the mood is lifting, though. I'm super excited about getting this event out of the way and I'm actually looking forward to the increased bonding time with my team - drinks and grilled cheese sandwiches at the W all day every day! I often wonder why I'm still planning events. Part of it is the high of it all - there is nothing more exciting than putting on an event. It's like being on drugs - with the highs and lows that accompany it. The other part is that I actually love my teammates. They are so much fun to be around and I love all the time I get to spend with them. Post-event, I get to cap it off with Bay to Breakers, which is my all-time favorite San Francisco holiday. Nudity, public intoxication, outdoor drinking and all this before 8am?! YES, PLEASE.

Hopefully the pendulum will swing towards happy again =)

friday brain dump.

Yesterday's post was kind of heavy and now I have all of these thoughts. I'm still an optimist in a lot of ways - I don't believe all men are inherently bad or evil, but I am trying to be way more discerning of who I let into my life. It's sad that I feel limited in my sexual expression because people are assholes. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but here are some random thoughts flowing through my head.

1. I NEED TO WRITE MY DATING MEMOIR. Seriously, my stories need to be told. I never consider myself to be a real 'writer' and I think it's time I started. My psychic has told me a bunch of times that I need to be writing, but I never listen. I think I let my day job and all my commitments keep me from doing the work I need and want to do. It's time for me to nurture my creative side and get going. Also, I'm hoping that writing it all out would be therapeutic. This weekend, I plan to storyboard this shit. If anyone has any favorite posts, please let me know!
2. Should I stop trying to explore kink? I don't want to let one bad apple ruin the whole bunch, but now I'm turned off by the whole kink community and trying to find partners. Maybe I should take my search offline and start going to some munches in person? I mean, all the craziness with Ken Doll aside, I really did enjoy myself. There's something about submission that really speaks to me and I do want that experience. I just need to figure out how to do it in a safe, sane way.
3. I need to figure out how to make some $$$ using my insane stalking skills. I really think I could have a side hustle with this shit. I can find almost anything - I would love to hone my skills and help other women discover what their shitbag boyfriends/husbands/potential online lovers are doing. 
4. Should I re-enter the vanilla world of OKCupid? I still have my profiles up, but I'm not really actively seeking anyone and I could probably stand to revamp everything I have up. I don't know - I just get so disillusioned with the idea of relationships. I can't live without sex, but it's been increasingly difficult to meet quality men that pique both my vagina and my brain. I just can't figure out how to make shit happen. It's like - do I focus on it or do I not focus on it? People say things like, "OH, don't do anything. It'll happen when you least expect it." I was celibate for a freaking year and nothing happened. I mean, I got propositioned by a few guys, but the love of my life didn't magically appear out of the woodwork. Then, when I seek things out, I end up being disappointed with what I find. Not sure what the right answer is here.

Anyway, I'm all up in my feelings right now, but I still want to have fun and I still want to have wild, crazy sex and live my life to the fullest. I just don't want to get burned again. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed that this happened (to be honest, I view all of my blunders and stumbles as positives because they're teachable moments and great stories), but I know I need to be smart about how I proceed. I'll be spending the weekend revamping profiles and figuring shit out. Hopefully, I'll have lots of positive stories for you soon!

this is the wildest thing that has ever happened to me.

I don't even know how I can truly do this story justice. I've been spending the past couple of days trying to think of how I can adequately describe what's been going down in my romantic life. Here goes nothing. This will most certainly be a very big chapter in my future memoir of my ridiculous dating life.

So, Ken Doll. Beautiful, gorgeous, amazingly sexy, and super talented in bed Ken Doll. My mother always told me that if something is too good to be true, then it probably is. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a world class stalker. I'm not a psycho - I don't stalk every man I date or my friends or anything like that, but when I can't find the answer to something, I spend time searching for it. I'm like that at work - it's something my bosses frequently comment on. CJ finds answers. CJ never says "I don't know." CJ figures shit out. Ken Doll has been this enigma. I haven't heard from him in a bit and I couldn't find him on Facebook or Twitter or any of the other social media networks that our generation is so into. Given that, I decided to hunt around. What I found basically knocked the wind out of me. I have been so consumed with this that I haven't even really been able to adequately celebrate my promotion.

I did a little bit of hunting and found out several things. The first thing is that this guy is a crazy spearfisher and diver. He does this shit all the time. He likes hunting and killing things both on land and sea. I also found a post online where he talks about a trip he's taking around the world and how he's selling all of his possessions to go on it. Not much of this is shocking since he told me about the trip when we met AND he told me about his gun collection and love of hunting. I also find an ad where he's selling his Porsche. Okay, dude has money. Makes sense - he said he was in finance.

Day 2 of stalking yielded the most disturbing information yet. I find a post from him online where he tells his fellow spearfishers that he is setting sail on May 18th and that he will be taking this trip with his friend and their WIVES. My heart literally leapt to my throat. For those of you who don't know me, cheating is a big fucking deal for me. I don't condone it and I don't condone being a part of it. I would rather stab myself in the face than sleep with a married or partnered man. I just don't get down like that. My moral compass may be reallll shady about some things, but it points due north on this. After this bombshell, I get so upset that I just start digging through everything I can find. I'm searching all kind of terms and finding everything I possibly can. I read 166 posts from this boy on this fishing site and I find two things - a picture of his girl (cute, petite Asian girl) and his real name.

Now that I've got his real name it is ON. I find him on Facebook and the girl. I find their wedding site and learn that they aren't married yet, but they are getting married on SATURDAY. Their wedding is on SATURDAY. WTF?!?! No wonder he's too busy to hang out - he probably has a bunch of WEDDING ERRANDS TO COMPLETE. Then, the cherry on the top of all of this amazingness. Homeboy is a registered sex offender. I found both of his lovely mug shots. He was arrested for 4th degree sexual assault on an incapacitated victim using force or coercion. 4th degree is no penetration, so at least he didn't stick it in?! BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?! Jesus take the wheel. I'm dying.

Now that I know all of this - in addition to some other info (he's not in finance, he's a recruiter, his family is BEYOND loaded, he had a brother who died last year and there's memorial to him on his family's estate) - I am just disgusted. Truly disgusted. I'm sad that what was the best sexual experience of my life has this sheen of grossness allllll over it.

I have more to say, but this is already super long, so to sum it up. I'm looking at my life. I'm looking at my choices. I'm trying to figure out how to ensure this never happens again. Right now, I'm thinking nunnery.

YAY!

So, I have major epic craziness to blog about, but you know what - I don't want to focus on fucked up men today, I want to focus on me! I found out yesterday that I have been promoted to Marketing Events Manager!!!!! I'm so excited! I didn't think this would happen until October (although my psychic told me it would be earlier than that), so I'm really over the moon. I've been agonizing about it like whoa - my dreams were insane - but I did it! I worked SO hard for this and this year has been one of the most challenging ones in my career, but also the most rewarding.

I can't really describe how I'm feeling right now - there's a part of me that is just so tired that I can't even be excited. There's another part of me that is in shock. Then another part of me is like "do I deserve this?" I mean, I know I'm good at my job, but am I good enough to be an event manager? I need to get rid of all that doubt - I'm not nearly confident enough and I always downplay my achievements, so I'm trying not to do that here, but it definitely comes up. The good part of me is excited. I'm an event manager now and hopefully that will come with much more responsibility and freedom. I want to get more involved with my individual clients and take on bigger events. I want to expand my role on certain projects. I'm really looking forward to an event I have in October where I'm going to get to be creative and do really cool shit with the product teams at my company. It's the first chance I've really gotten to completely blow up an event and make it my own. I know that I'm very logistically talented and I can juggle a lot of work, but this is the first chance to prove my creative skillz.

All in all, I'm elated for the recognition from my team and I'm looking forward to charting the future of my career. In the meantime - drinks!

relaxing.

Today after work, I decided to only do things that make me happy. I walked down to the Ferry Building and bought myself some salmon, lemons, a bottle of wine, a loaf of Acme bread, and my favorite balsamic vinegar/olive oil concoction. So bourgie. Then I took an Uber home and watched Game of Thrones and Mad Men while setting up my new MacBook Air. I have this image in my mind of my life right now - a beautiful, clean slate. I want everything to be fresh and I want to start from scratch. To clear away the old and focus on the new. I just had my apartment cleaned. I'm setting up my new laptop. I cleared out all of my debt on my credit cards. I crave newness - a chance to start over again and be a better, newer, cleaner version of myself.

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