hair frustrations.

Yes, this is going to be a post about my damn hair. I'm too tired to think of anything else and it's been bugging me. I don't know what to do with it. I think every natural goes through that point where she's like - should I just say fuck it and start chemically relaxing my hair again? I thought I was beyond that, seeing as how I've been natural for three and a half years, but I'm just sick and tired of fighting with my hair. The thought of having shiny, silky smooth hair that I don't have to wrestle with on a weekly basis sounds nice. I also hate when other naturals tell me to keep on fighting the good fight and those bitches have a head full of loose curls. It's not that easy for those of us who have extremely tightly coiled hair.

I guess I have a few options outside of relaxing it. I could get a weave, although I'm scared that I'm going to have edges like Naomi. I could also get a wig, but wigs are so damn tricky. Sex with wigs is a struggle - NO LIE! The one time I tried it, I got so frustrated I just took the damn thing off mid-act. Ain't nobody got time to fuck around with a wig when you're sleeping with someone new. So I guess that is out. I could get braids again - cute box ones down my back. Or I can just keep on keepin' on.

I definitely feel more attractive when I have longer hair, which bothers me. I hate when I let society's bullshit standards get in the way of how I feel about myself. It's so lame and goes against all of my feminist sensibilities. However, I've been feeling crappy about myself lately, so maybe a little boost would help. Arg, womanhood.

i really need to get better about blogging.

I'm hoping once this huge event is over in April, I'll be able to stick to a more regular schedule. I hate falling out of sync. Luckily, I'm writing in my journal, so I'm still recording life as it happens. My life has been a blur this month - mostly a LOT of work, answering a shit ton of emails from jackass salespeople and making some new work friends. Then there's social life. I am obsessed with Bingo at the Riptide. It is my favorite thing to do and I look forward to it each week, even though I have to haul my cakes all the way to the Outer Sunset for it. I just freaking love it. There by 5pm, tipsy by 6pm, shitfaced by 7, and then we eat pizza. Home before 9pm. SCORE! I also won last week! So I got a free drink (Long Island Iced Tea, of course). I just can't stop going.

I'm still not dating. Womp womp. Men on OKCupid must hate me because I'm not getting a lot of hits lately. I'm still struggling with feeling fat and ugly and wondering if my skin will return to its former glory. I think we're getting there. There's still the tantalizing will-we/won't-we question around hottie FBI dude. His bff is basically like, "Yes, you will. Get it over with." We'll see. It's nice to have goals. I've tossed around the idea of doing something crazy sexually, like going to a play party or something, but I don't think I'm ready for that right yet. So I sit in my celibacy. When I get to a year, I'll have a party. T minus 1 month =)

My friends are awesome. San Francisco is awesome. I'm being way more social this year than I have been in the past and shockingly, I like it. I just need to let loose a bit and get out there. I'm tired of my boring life so I want to shake things up a bit over the next couple of months. Having my best friend here is really nice. We don't stifle each other, but it's really cool to have someone who just gets you and lives only across the Bay Bridge. I've missed it.

Race things are annoying. I feel like every day I read something that just makes me want to start my own colony of bourgie black people and shut out the outside world. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it does and I want to just break down. I don't think anyone really understands the tremendous burden of being a black woman. Sometimes it's just too much, even for me. I don't even want to talk about it, which is kind of sad - apathy is not a good look, but until I am done with hell quarter (April 5th ya'll!), I can't think about anything else. Caring is just going to have to take a backseat til then.

Anyhow, I have things I do want to talk about - namely dating, body image, self-love, sex, my hair. Hopefully, I can make some time to do that this week. In the meantime, PRETTY LITTLE LIARS ZOMG!

xoxo,
Cleo

taking today off was essential to my mental health.

I'm home today and it feels SO nice, even though I did about 2 hours worth of work this morning at 7am. I cannot wait for things to slow down so I can breathe and enjoy life. I haven't written anything in a week, which is sad. Here's how I've been occupying my time.

• I went book shopping at this amazing used bookstore in Oakland. It was nice to explore with my BFF - I've been to Oakland only a handful of times, so I enjoyed spending time out there and buying a ton of books. I found some old copies of Anaïs Nin's journals and one of her novellas. I also snagged a new Moleskin notebook and a book about the history of sex in London.
• I got a new vibrator! It's blue! Yay! I like collecting sex toys, so I was happy to get my hands on something new, especially since the dating thing hasn't been going so well. I can add it to the nipple clamps and butt plug I received from my coworker and her bf (I am a walking HR violation - love it!)
• I had the worst dining experience ever at Maven, in SF. I will never again let Vest pick a restaurant - there was no food and the staff was incompetent. The drinks were mildly interesting, but that was about it. I do not recommend going there.
• BINGO FEVER! I've spent the past few Saturdays at the Riptide playing Bingo and I am officially obsessed. I can go out, get shitfaced drunk on $4 whiskey gingers and play games, all before 7:30pm. I want to go every week!
• In serious news, I think I need to take a step away from alcohol. I've been so tired lately that it's just affecting me in all kinds of terrible ways. Social drinking only from here on out.
• I had my first shrink appointment in two months. It was SO necessary. I talked about men and my inability to view myself as a viable candidate for love. "We accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being A Wallflower I need to get in control of that. Maybe when I don't want to kill myself over my job.

That's basically my life right now. I'll try to get better about updating this thing on the regular, but right now not much is going on besides work and drinking copious amounts of alcohol alone in my apartment.

missing.

I miss my life so much right now. I miss my body and being in tune with it. I just can't even begin to explain the level of exhaustion I'm feeling right now. Every so often I'm reminded that there simply aren't enough hours in the day. Work has hit a fever pitch, even though I just did three major events in two weeks. Planning a 12,000 person-event SUCKS. Not only that, I have SXSW and the Game Developers Conference in between. God is testing me and I'm praying that I don't fail.

I am the utter definition of a control freak. When I don't feel like I'm in charge of a situation, I get incredibly overwhelmed, stressed, and just generally insane. Or how I'm feeling right now. The littlest things will set me off and I have no desire to be social or do anything fun. I don't even want to go into work. I'd rather curl up into a ball clutching my computer. I know I don't have the luxury to do that, but it's a damn nice thought.

This job is a funny thing. People think it's all partying and drinking and having a good time and it is that, at times. It's also the crippling fear of failure on a global scale. I think that's what makes me so nervous all the time and why part of me would love nothing more than to just plan weddings or parties. A wedding or party is only as big as the net it casts - the 50, 100, 250 people that are in attendance. These global, corporate, publicized events are just maddening. I constantly fear losing my job ALL THE TIME. Part of it is me just being neurotic, but the other part is that this shit gets seen by people who are important. I am not important. I am dispensable and if I fuck up, I could be gone in an instant. That is terrifying to me and yet thrilling at the same time. I enjoy a good challenge, but I wonder how long I can last before I burn out on this stuff.

I'm looking forward to June. That's when all the major shit will be finished and I can focus on some smaller, more intimate, less terrifying events. Maybe I can even go on a date or have sex or do any of those things that my body is just too tired to even conceive. A girl can hope....

i'm being unproductive and i don't care.

I am exhausted and worn out. And dehydrated - I am extremely dehydrated. So I'm giving myself a pass today and not doing anything but reading, watching TV, and lounging. I did a fair amount of work this morning, too - just to ensure that tomorrow doesn't completely suck. One of the things I hate about working in events is how long the recovery can take you after you have an insane period of work. It probably doesn't help that yesterday I got up at 7am to start the trek back to San Francisco. I'm proud of myself for driving 90 minutes, though! I strongly dislike driving, so it was nice to take a long drive without incident.

I did the bridesmaid dress shopping thing. It was shockingly easy! I mean, it made me absolutely hate my body, but we found a dress that looks good on all three of us in record time! It feels nice to have that out of the way. Then, I stupidly decided Bingo at Riptide would be a good idea. $4 whiskey gingers are always bad news for me. But I had fun with Vest and Jazzgirl and we ate pizza, got wasted before sundown, and then couldn't find our way home due to the terrible transportation in this city. Walking drunkenly in the Sunset was miz, but after a few blocks we found a cab and went back to Jazzgirl's place, where I basically just lapsed into a drunken coma for 20 minutes before I knew I had to get home. Passed out in bed naked with the TV on. Keeping it classy as usual!

Anyway, I'm still exhausted and dehydrated, so I'm going to continue laying in bed and watching my one true love host SNL. #bieberfever #noshame Meaningful posts on Monday =)

all of this tiredness has caught up to me.

I am fucking exhausted. There is no two ways about it - I'm thisclose to falling asleep on my computer during this event. I don't know if I'm built to do 3 events cross-country in two weeks. This shit is not working for me. I am looking forward to Saturday evening because I plan on drinking enough alcohol to tranquilize a horse and then sleeping until 2pm on Sunday. I just have to get through 24 hours of event and then a day of bridesmaid dress shopping. God help me - I love weddings, but I hate trying on dresses in front of other people and being reminded of how much weight I've gained in the past 6 months. Blah.

It has also become quite evident that I need to get laid STAT. I really just need a booty call or a guy I can text semi-regularly. I miss having someone to chat with on text when I'm bored. I haven't written anyone an inappropriate text in like a year. Happily, though, I don't want a boyfriend right now. I just need a nice little distraction that I can tap when I so choose. I think it's time. I'm asking the universe and praying it provides.

I just got another project at work... My boss is dead set on getting me promoted, so she's trying to stack as many projects up as possible. I have this sneaky suspicion she wants me to go up in the spring, but I'm thinking it'll be the fall. Gosh, I will be so excited when/if that happens. I have been working like a goddamn slave with no end in sight in the hopes that we can push this through and I can get my manager title. I think I'll do several backflips if it happens.

Okay, that's all I've got in me for today...