thoughts while drinking.

Last night, I did what I tend to do more frequently than I'd like - I drank a bottle of wine and I got emotional. It was about three-quarters of the way through that I realized that I am lonely. So painfully lonely that it hurts. I'm not alone - not at all - I have friends and I do things. I go out at least three times a week (if not more) and spend a huge chunk of time while I'm at work talking to my cubemate or my friends on gChat. I don't feel alone at all - I just feel lonely, which is infinitely worse (at least to me).

When I get drunk or lonely or bored, I'm always tempted to call The Blexican. It took every ounce of strength in my being not to text him last night. Thank God he wasn't online or else I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I don't think my loneliness stems from lack of a relationship - I think it's deeper than that - but I know that he's there to fall back on and so I cling to that. I have never been loved by a man in my life and it's a strange feeling - a good feeling, but it's marred by my lack of returning the emotion. I just don't understand romantic love - I've never really felt it, so I think The Blexican is weird for loving me. I just don't get why anyone would want to spend any time with me without getting something from it. It's mind-boggling. And so, sometimes when I'm weak, I just want to feel that love from someone and so I talk to him. I never initiate it, but when he messages me, I allow him to lead me to all the places we shouldn't go.

The feelings and emotions that last night stirred up inside me have made me decide that I need to stop drinking alone. It just takes me to a place that I really don't think I need to go. It reminds me of all of the worst parts of myself - all of the demons that live inside me. The painfully shy, insecure five year old. The rebellious middle schooler. The girl that spent a year of her life cutting herself with a razor in order to feel something. The angry girl that doesn't understand why she can't achieve perfection. All of these personalities are inside of me, but I don't like to let them out. I like to present the image I want people to see, but when it's dark outside and I'm alone in my apartment, I drink and they emerge. They cloud my thoughts, reminding me that I will never escape them, no matter how hard I try. I don't like the way that feels.

I don't think I'm an alcoholic (or even close to it), but I don't like the things that happen when I drink by myself. So I'm going to stop and I'm going to try to work on me - my writing, my body, my health, my happiness and try to spend some time remembering what it feels like to be in control of my life. I think I owe it to myself. This weekend will be good for me - a chance to be with familiar faces who share my outlook on life and understand me in a way that few people do. I miss my sisters and I miss sisterhood in general. I never had it growing up (all brothers over here), so when I discovered it in college, it filled a void I didn't even know I had.

I have come so far in this life, as a friend, a lover, and a person, but I have so much further to go. I welcome the challenge and look forward to the journey.

trying to start a new blog is no fun.

Especially when you're sick and have a fuck-ton of work to do for your day job and all you want to do is play with your new phone. I took a 'sick day' yesterday and just tooled around my apartment. Surprisingly I didn't nap or anything, but I did watch an obscene amount of Pretty Little Liars, as well as Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of DC. My taste in television is kind of abysmal, but whatever - I'm awesome regardless =)

The other night, Jammerz and I hosted a nice speakeasy crawl of NYC. It was amazing - we hit up 4 out of the 6 speakeasy-style bars on our list and I reaffirmed my love of alcohol in the process. I think I finally found a way to drink like a lady, which b-t-dubs is my new favorite drunken affirmation. I love running around drunk shrieking "I am a lady!" whenever anyone says anything vulgar or mean to me. Because clearly, if there was a national vote on ladylike behavior, I'd be at the top of the list...

But ANYWAY. Speakeasy was awesome - the first one we went to I had a bartender's choice, which basically means I told the lady bartender what I like and was in the mood for and she created a concoction for me. I think it was called a Brooklynite - Jamaican Rum, honey, and lime juice. It was amazing and the first of two honey drinks for me (I think I've found a new 'mixer'). I can't really remember what else I drank, but I was certainly inspired by all of the interesting drink combos. I've decided that I want to have a bar in my new apartment with all kinds of unconventional liquors and spirits.

This has led me to decide that I want to try and start *two* new blogs, instead of just the one that I'm barely working on. A few months back, I bought thisgirldrinks.com intending to make that my new home, but of course I got sidetrack and it never happened. So I think I want to boot that up and use it to chronicle my drinking and attempts at bartending using the aforementioned unconventional liquors and spirits. Yay! And then, of course, the reboot of this blog, with more photos, links, and (hopefully) scandalous stories of my new life in SF. Exciting!

drinking and dating.

My life is a little too much for me right now - it seems like everything is picking up crazy fast and I can barely keep up. Right now, I'm in the midst of a nice upswing. People always tell me I drink too much, but I think most times alcohol makes everything better. I went out and got completely trashed yesterday with my friend, Tall. I think it was the whole "I ate lunch at 11:30am" thing, but after two drinks I was off the wall. Then I went and ate pizza and drank more wine. It was glorious. I love catching up with friends and seeing how everyone's life is going. I think the mid-twenties is such an interesting time - so much change and uncertainty. It's exhilarating! When I got home, I was totally out of it - I'm quite shocked I was able to walk home without incident. I stumbled around a bit, greatly amusing Girl Roomie. Then I passed the fuck out and woke up at 5:45am - renewed, refreshed, energized. Got up early, got to work before 8am and here I am, the picture of productivity. =)

Talked to TG yesterday while drunk. We're back in a 'high communication' phase. Whatever. It is what it is. I don't even want to presume to understand the nature of our relationship. I'm tired of analyzing it, so I'm just going to let it be what it will be. I enjoy talking to him while intoxicated and I think he enjoys it too. Woke up this morning to a humorous text from him.

So, on the online dating front, where are we? I'm talking to two boys, one of whom I'm ironing out a game plan to hang out with. Not sure what we'll do or when since we're both pretty busy and I'm gone for the next two, erm - three weekends. This is good, though. I haven't had a proper date in over a year. The second guy is sweet - he seems like just a really nice guy, which most likely means it won't work. I don't really do the 'nice guy' thing. I mean, I don't like assholes or anything, but I usually like guys who are a little more complicated than he seems to be. We're in the 'let's talk about ourselves and what we like' phase. It's strange - he says he doesn't really find white women attractive, but isn't sure why. On one hand, I'm kind of leery about that, but out of all the people in this world, I think I know that race and attraction are pretty complicated topics. Hell, at least someone's interested in black women, I suppose. So we'll see where that one goes. I'm also torn about how upfront to be with these guys about the fact that I'm planning a permanent cross-country move in the next 2.5 months. Guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

Okay, back to work!

i really need to stop drinking.

It's gotten a little out of control lately. I feel like I've been trashed for the past 5 nights in a row, which I know isn't true, but it just feels like it. I think partying til the wee hours of the morning on Saturday, followed by drinking with my parents for Easter Sunday, and then the whole dinner with the work girls on Monday, and drinks with Tall on Tuesday kind of wore me out. Okay, so only 4 nights in a row - hehe.

The problem is I get drunk and I'm all text-happy and just crazy in general. I think Tall was terrified as I yelled and screamed at the television at the bar. I'm sorry, but the Yankees were on and I love me some Yankees. I also texted like 5 people - BAD IDEA. Not all were boys, though, so I feel okay about it. After we got drunk at this whiskey and wine bar (which, btw, is pretty much my ideal bar - best of both worlds!), we did pizza at this amazing place whose name I cannot recall. Thank God for Foursquare so I can look it up later. Then I came home, passed out and woke up hungover and wide awake at 5am. My stomach cannot take all of this! So tonight, I'm going to be a good girl and drink not a drop of liquor. Instead I will get going on preparation for the big trip to California.

Wish me luck! Sober isn't an easy state for me.

i had a lot of fun last night.

After getting upset about the whole TG thing and my lack of a social life and his whole social butterfly lifestyle, I called up Tall to go out for drinks. However, before that, some of the work girls got together to attend our company-sponsored weekly happy hour. It was really nice. I got pretty tipsy off of some wine and it was great to talk and catch up. I'm super tight with the cube since we sit together, but I miss talking to my friends who work on the upper floors.

As a result of all that drinking, I ended up being really late to meet Tall, but he was cool with it as usual. He didn't drink much, but I downed like 3 whiskey sours in 45 minutes. It was epic. I was pretty drunk and I'm sure I said all sorts of TMI, inappropriate stuff, but Tall doesn't seem to mind. I really miss having male friends in my life. It seems like ever since I moved to NYC, outside of my high school friends, it's been all about dating, sleeping with, stressing out over, and agonizing about men. I don't have too many solid, platonic relationships with guys and I miss that. Growing up with three brothers, I'm used to men. I like men. I mean, I love girl talk - hi, I was in a sorority - but I also miss the candor and open nature of my friendships with guys. So basically, now that Tall lives down the street from me, once his LSAT is over, I fully intend on making him a more regular drinking buddy.

After drinks, I came home and proceeded to make an ass out of myself, but in a good way. Scared my roomies, I'm sure, but I think they were entertained. We love each other - haha. It was a pretty good night.

I'm headed to Long Island in about 3 hours, to spend some time at home doing some LI things with the high school crew. I'm very excited about it - I like spending quiet weekends in the suburbs every so often. Plus, I figure I can continue the TG healing process and also get started on my kick ass plans for the next month, which include boot camp, lots of reading, writing, socializing, and getting more involved with tech stuff and feminist issues. Yay!

losing my damn mind...

Wow, yesterday was seriously intense. I don't know what happened, but my tolerance or something was wonky and two margaritas had me ready to pass out. Last night, I hung out with Tall - my mock trial drinking buddy. We were trying this new thing called moderation. Yeah, moderation. Haha. We were actually pretty good about it - I had two drinks and some tacos. Not too expensive or debauched. However, I was a little drunk and probably told Tall wayyy too much about my obsession with The Intellectual. Then I got incredibly obsessed with getting my Girl Scout Cookies so I booked it out of TriBeCa and ran home to get my cookies. I promptly ate about 5 cookies and passed out in my bed, fully clothed at 9:30 pm. I got up at about 2 AM wired as hell and thirsty. Was up for another 2 hours stalking. Yes, stalking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a problem. A serious problem. I've become one of those crazy bitches I've always made fun of. I've never been the type to read a guy's e-mail or go through his phone or anything, but I'm afraid if I continue on this path I'm going to become that girl. I'm just so sprung over this guy that it's made me crazy. I sent out a pleading IM to BFF begging her to tell me what's wrong with me. I guess it's just been hard dating someone who is not only emotionally unavailable, but has so many female friends. All these fucking girls writing on his wall and then the pictures - it's just rough. I'm trying to trust that he was honest when he told me it's not another girl, but I find it hard to do.

However, in my snoop mode I found some good things. One - the picture is gone. He's taken down the pic of him and the pretty girl. Two - his profile is officially off Match. So I'm hopeful. Of course, this could mean nothing, but it makes me really happy. I'm going to ask him out sometime soon. For a real proper dinner. I'm hoping that once I see him, my ridiculous craziness will stop and I will finally not be the batshit insane creep I've been in the past week and a half. I really think all I can do is see him in person and get a better sense of what he's thinking and feeling. Right now I'm driving myself insane trying to guess. I have a hopeful feeling, though. I always trust my gut - it's usually right. So we shall see.

Hopefully this is the last entry about this issue because I'm tired of talking about boys. I had a very interesting thought about sex and sexuality and black women's bodies, but instead I'm talking about some man. Grr. The feminist inside me is shrieking. =P

lazy friday night.

I am taking it easy tonight - thank goodness. I don't know if I can handle the life of a social butterfly =) I'm really just a homebody. So tonight I've shut myself off from the world and I've been reading - blogs, books, etc. I've done some journaling (9 days since my last entry!!! horrible) and I've watched some Gilmore Girls and some episodes of The Office. It's just nice to be alone in my apartment kickin' it. This weekend will be a little more active than I'd like, but what can ya do? Probably seeing two movies tomorrow and I have a date (!) - NYU Law Student asked me out again, so we're going to go see an indy flick and then get drinks. Sunday, I'm debating if I want to go to a Super Bowl Party or not - sigh. I'm such a hermit sometimes. I just want to lock myself up for the weekend.

I'm kind of tipsy right now, so I'm going to avoid talking about anything too heavy. I'm just looking forward to sleeping. But, I kinda like this lifestyle - the fast-paced, dynamic New York life. For a long time, I questioned how wise I was to pack up and move here, but now that it's been a little while, I'm really happy that I decided to do it. I feel like I belong here. At least for now. I never felt that way in SF. This is a good thing!

i am so hungover right now.

It's kind of awful. It's not the worst hangover I've had, but it's this dull pain where I can barely see straight and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for hours. Which I intend to do after I get back from dinner with the high school crew.

Anyway, last night was probably the most ridiculous night I've had in a long time. So I text Tall in the middle of the day to see if we're still on for happy hour. He says yes, but he doesn't want to do dive bars, but instead class it up a bit. So I meet him at his job and we decide to go to the Tribeca Grill - which is a pretty classy place. So we get there, get seated and proceed to start eating and drinking. Amazing scallops, three drinks, and three and a half hours later, we're still there and our waiter starts giving us the heave-ho. He's like "If you guys still want to drink, there are a ton of places around here..." Haha - so then it was Tall's brilliant idea that we should go to a champagne lounge and get more food. I was starving (I mean, my scallops were awesome, but meals at fancy places are always teeny), so I agreed. Then he's all - let's get a $100 bottle of champagne. So we do. The place was sooo nice - I really liked it. Really comfy and the waitress was awesome, making an excellent champagne suggestion. I will definitely be returning there. So after we finished the bottle, it got to be around 1 am and he was like - let's go to that weird wine bar we saw on the way here. I don't know why I agreed, but I did. I also agreed to split a bottle of wine (named after me! wee! haha). However, after a few sips, I was like - I can't do this. It was really good wine, too, but I was so afraid I was going to be sick that I just couldn't do it. Then I laid myself out on the ledge and after Tall assured me I wasn't flashing passerby, I curled up into a ball and fell asleep. The frickin' bartender tapped me on the shoulder (we were the only ones in there and Tall had gone outside to get air) and was like "Are you okay? Don't pass out!" HAHAHA. Who does that?! Who falls asleep in a bar while with one other person? I guess I do. I am such a hot mess sometimes, it's awful.

Anyhow, at 3 am I decided it was time to go home, which I did. I passed out in my bed and came into work late today. This week has been insane and I have a dinner tonight so I need to pull my shit together. NOW. Okay, back to work, I'm so far behind.

well that was ridiculous.

So last night Slind flaked on me for the Law School Happy Hour thing, so I ended up going to Starbeezies and studying for the LSAT before meeting up with my mock trial friend, who I'll call Tall, because he's - well - tall. So anyway, I was expecting a quick happy hour and then back to the house to do some productive shiz. Well, you know what they say - the best laid plans...

So, 5 hours, 4 meals, 12(?) drinks, 3 desserts, and a total of around $180 dollars later, I cabbed it back to my apartment and fell asleep in a drunken haze. As ridiculous as that was it was a ton of fun and pretty much exactly what I needed. I've been so damn boring lately - I need to work on that. Of course, whenever I get drunk I talk wayyyy too much, so god only knows what kinds of embarrassing crap came out of my mouth. Oh, well, whatevs!

This morning I came into work late, which was so nice. I love sleeping in. I should try it more often. I was planning on staying late and then going to this happy hour, but I just slipped and fell in a puddle of something and now all I want to do is go home and change. So we'll see if I make it out tonight. If not, I plan on either seeing Tropic Thunder with the roomie and her friends or maybe heading to Starbucks to do more LSAT studying. We have our diagnostic tomorrow so nothing too wild and crazy for tonight! 

Okay, back to work...

amazingly busy weekend.

Wow, this past weekend was a complete and total shitshow for serious. Friday night I saw the Dark Knight with a bunch of high school friends and then some friends of Slind's. Did the Applebee's thing after the movie - it was such a Long Island night. Loved the movie! Loved it so much I saw it again on Sunday - haha. Saturday I got up early to run errands with la madre. Finally got a new phone! Brand new Blackberry Curve and I LOVE it. It's so amazing. I'm oddly obsessed with the brickbreaker game it has on it and I've been playing non-stop. It makes the train ride go so much quicker.

Saturday night I went to the city to hang out with Jama and go to Frick's birthday party. I ended up getting to Jama's wayyy later than I wanted and then I was having a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously. I'm considering getting a breast reduction at this point because my boobs are out of control. I can't take it anymore! Haha. So yeah, fixed that up then cabbed it over to Frick's place. At first it was a little slow - just a bunch of guys playing cards, but then it picked up a bit. Of course I saw the Banker and of course it was interesting as usual.

He was ridick drunk when he got there, which always makes for an amusing time. He came with a female friend from our school. I intro'd him to Jama when he came over to say hey. I thoroughly enjoyed some of the drunken comments he made. I was sitting next to the him (the Banker, that is) on the couch looking at music and I go "Oh I hate this song. It's awful." and then he goes "Well, your boyfriend seems to like it." gesturing to Jama in this sarcastic kind of voice. HAHA. I told him he wasn't my boyfriend, but whatever. I did enjoy the fact that I got some sort of rise out of him on that front. It made me snicker. So yeah, it was a tamed version of our normal interactions, although I did get the usual forms of drunken affection from him. God, he's so odd. It's strange to have that back in my life right now. But who knows, I might not see him for another 6 months. It's weird.

So yeah, the party was good. I got wasted drunk off my ass, but didn't do anything stupid at all. The evening ended kind of oddly since the Banker got into one of his drunk moods and just wanted to fall asleep - but I'm used to that so it wasn't shocking. So we ended up leaving him in the cab and then we bounced and went to sleep.

I have never been so hungover in my life. Too much whiskey. It made my LSAT class a living nightmare. Four hours with no food or drink, in a freezing cold room, learning about the LSAT. I'm surprised I didn't just run out screaming.

Anyhow, I should really get back to work. Haha. More updates on other things later! <3

lazy saturday night.

I'm taking a break from being social in order to just chill out. I'm hopelessly stressed about the apartment situation. I don't even want to talk about it. Who knew it would be this difficult? Anyway, I think I'm going to be waiting til August to get a place, which means one more month of frustration. It's okay, though. I'll deal.

I've had a little too much wine, so I'm sure I'm going to be insanely incoherent throughout this whole entry. And I'm totally watching the DeGrassi marathon because I'm such a dork! I've forgotten how much I miss premium cable.

I really need a home right now. I feel aimless, almost. I miss having a place to call my own. Gah, I can't write anymore - I'm tired. My brother graduates tomorrow, so I should catch some ZzZs before the morning.

I also have no idea what the hell I'm going to write about for my screenplay class. I need an idea that isn't cliche. Anybody? Bueller?

drunk on a monday night.

Okay, I really need to stop drinking at these really inappropriate times. Especially when I'm going to be working my ass off tomorrow and getting up at 6 am to do it. The pit of my stomach feels like it's on fire, which is weird because I only had half a bottle of wine and I know that I can usually handle more alcohol than this. Fuck it.

I hate feeling like my body still isn't 100%. Like I'm some sort of invalid. Which I know - I am. Blood clot, yada yada, pulmonary embolism, blah blah blah. I wonder when I'll start to take my health seriously. Because, honestly, I'm acting like a little punk and I'm sure it's going to catch up with me sooner rather than later. But I miss being able to drink like I used to. I miss dancing on bars, making out with strangers, and just not giving a fuck. Instead, I'm stuck spending quiet nights in, in a sexless relationship, watching TV on DVD. Fucking A.

sex, wine, and gossip.

Three of my favorite things and the topics of the day. I'm about two glasses into a bottle of cheap red wine (yay for Yellowtail Chiraz Cabernet) and lounging in a babydoll top because it's hot as hell in this apartment. I'm thinking of being cheap and lazy and just cooking up a huge pot of spaghetti and having two (or three) more glasses of wine. Hmm. Sounds good.

OMG, I'm freaking out because I'm turning into such a gossip. It's insane. I had a long gossip sesh with Brunette this afternoon and I've been chattering about people non-stop. I need to quit! So help me God. It's only a matter of time before I wreak havoc. I'm proud of myself, though. I got told a very choice piece of gossip this weekend and I kept it to myself. How long that'll last, no one knows. But I resisted the urge to call up College BFF and spill the dirt to her. I just wish I could make a career out of gossiping. I'd be damn good at it.

Lately, I've been reading a ton of books about sexuality and sex-positive issues. I kind of miss the female sexuality class I took back at college. It was one of those eye-opening experiences that you only get every so often. And really, only at a place where sexual expression is free and open. I kind of miss that. I'm pretty open about my sexuality, for the most part. Yet I still feel like I could do more to promote sex-positivity amongst women. When I'm finally settled and in a more stable situation, I'd really like to look into doing some volunteer work around that. I know I've said that before, but I've just been reinvigorated with a desire to do it again. I made a stop at Good Vibrations last weekend and seeing such a clean, well-lit, non-seedy sex shop made me remember how important it is to make sure women (and men) have space to explore things that have been deemed "taboo." I mean, it's just sex. Most people are having it or want to have it or will have it. I don't understand why we can't be open about it. Since I don't have the time yet to start fighting for the cause, I figure I can at least start educating myself and gaining as much knowledge as I can.

So yeah, that's my frame of mind right now. I'm a chatty, drunken nympho. I kind of like the sound of that. =)

i'm booooored.

Haha. Okay, so I'm alone in the apartment - roomies went out to a hotel bar to drink and I just got back from dinner with Ace, which was fun, except now I'm at a loss for what to do. I've been talking to TG online because I want him to invite me over. But of course instead of saying "I miss you, I want to come over," I'm just bugging him with how bored I am. And I'm drinking Malibu and Pepsi and vegetating. I know what I should do is get my ass in bed and prepare for the long day of productivity that HAS to happen tomorrow. But, no, instead I'm being lazy and blogging. Lovely.

Anyway, I may as well update on things of substance since I can. I spent all of last night with TG because *gasp* he got fired on Friday. When he told me, all of the drama between us kind of just melted away and I had to run over there and comfort him. I was afraid and unsure of what was going to happen, but he basically just wanted someone to talk to. So I went over and he turned off the lights, closed the shades and we just lay in bed together cuddling while he talked about what had happened. It was really touchy-feely, kind of intimate and really... I don't know - nice, I guess. He wanted me to stay the night, so I did. We kind of fooled around, but just in a basic middle-school kind of way. (sidenote: when I asked College BFF how I should handle the situation and what I could do to comfort him, she said: "Offer him oral sex, of course." Jesus Christ, I love that girl) But anyway, he seemed to just want to be lowkey, so I didn't pressure him into anything. I'm learning to be more emotional and less sex-driven. Tough, but I'm getting there.

This is such an exciting time in my life. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Of something new and dramatic and I like it. I think things are going well and I'm excited to see what's around the corner. But for now, I'm going to crawl into bed and do some reading/tv watching.

Goodnight!

i am really drunk right now.

Not in that 'I'm going to be sick' way, but in that pensive drinking way. The party was baller. OMG, the guys looked SO guido. It was fucking ridiculous. I have pics, of course. But they did the hair, the shirts unbottoned down to their abs, spray-on tan --- I was really impressed. I had an excellent time dancing with people and just having a good time. It made me sad... to think of leaving all of this behind. I've made some pretty solid friends here and it's going to be sad to go, but I know that I have to do it. That it's right for me (assuming I get a job in NYC).

My fave dialogue of the night with freshman year best friend:
FYBF - is there anything good on BET?
me - well they have College Park and they have rap videos, and at night they have soft core porn videos. but i'm not really into that.
FYBF - well, of course you only like hard core porn.
me - exactly.
FYBF - the funny thing is... I know you're not joking.
me - (dead serious) yeah, i'm really not.

haha, i love that my friends know me so well.

So I left early cuz Blondie was sick and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I still hope she's doing okay, I get a little worried cuz she doesn't normally get sick. So I'm on watch duty. I'm also hungry like whoa and want to eat an entire cow, but I'm too lazy to make spaghetti (which is all we have).

Anyway, the party was SICK. I loved my outfit and I'll post more about it when I'm sober and coherent, which hopefully is post-biscuits and John Adams with MB. Goodnight, loves! =)

anger, angst, and tons of alcohol.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's pretty much been the theme of my life since my last entry and the main reasons why I haven't been writing. Basically... my life has been a shitshow since Thursday evening and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. I feel like this weekend is shot to hell and there's not much I can do about it. So now it's 8 pm on Sunday - I have lots of cleaning and laundry to do, as well as some actual work. FUCK ME.

So we'll start from Thursday evening and move along (warning: this is going to be a little long). Thursday night is our weekly movie/games night between my apartment, MB, and Freshman Year Best Friend's apartment. We were hosting it and since Blondie's been swamped with work, I was elected to cook for our apartment. I had felt sick at work so I went home early, giving me plenty of time to nap, relax, dance around the house, and go shopping. Except it was like Murphy's Fucking Law - everything that could go wrong, did. The cookies I made were absolute SHIT and had to be scrapped and instead I bought ice cream. Then, when attempting to prepare the shrimp, I realized I had bought *cooked* shrimp, which meant going back out for the third time to get some goddamn shrimp. Drama, drama, drama.

Then we played drinking games once everyone had come over and eaten. We consumed, between the seven of us, an entire bottle of vodka (keep in mind that one of us wasn't drinking, Brunette only had scotch, and FYBF was drinking gin). It was a complete and total shitshow - like WHOA. We were all hammered and playing Kings and talking about all sorts of weird sex stuff and just having a crazy, riotous time. It was fabulous... until the next morning. Then I woke up with my stomach making funny sounds, a slight headache, and a fierce desire to consume all the water and/or soda on God's green earth. Needless to say, I took a "personal day" and my roommates left for work late. Ugh.

For some more mundane details, I did nothing but curl my hair on Friday night. Saturday we tried and failed to go clubbing in the Mission. Although, I did get insanely drunk due to my whole drunkorexic routine of not eating and then consuming liquor. Today was Easter Sunday and FYBF made a spectacular dinner and it was really nice and chill and lowkey and insanely fun to hang out with everyone.

So I've handled the alcohol portion of the title. Next up: anger.

So... one of my friends has done something to another one of my friends that just completely and totally pissed me off. I want to confront friend x about all the drama, but friend y wants to keep it chill. I'm having a hard time doing this, but basically I've lost all trust and respect for friend x and will no longer be able to confide in this person as a result of what went down. Which makes me angry because it's really going to fuck up my life for a little bit. Additionally, friend x has done some shit to me in the past that I thought I had gotten over, but is clearly still on my mind.

Angst. So yeah, Saturday night was... eye-opening... to say the least. It just helped me to see that I really don't think I can be happy here in the situation that I'm currently in. As a result of having a crappy night, I just felt like I missed my lifestyle back on the East Coast, when I knew what to expect and I didn't feel like I was fighting a battle of the wills. I like to go out, I like to dance, I like to party. And I'm of the firm belief that if you are somewhere and the party SUCKS, you just make the most of it and you create your own party. I think basically the whole night just didn't turn out as planned from the start, and it was frustrating. I felt like since I had planned things that I would have an inkling of a say into what we did or what happened, but no. Instead I get dominated and forced to do shit I don't want to do. I also HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when people treat me like I'm a child and won't allow me to do things by myself. I'm a grown. ass. woman. I'm 22 years old and I hate being treated like a baby. It pisses me off to no end.

Sigh. So here I am, frustrated, upset, and in need of change. I don't know if I'll be able to effect the change I need, but I'm starting next weekend for sure. Me and MB and doing the Marina together in fancy dresses. Wine, dinner, and cocktails. I'm super-stoked and I think it's going to be a good time. Yay!

last night was insane.

Can we talk about how insanely drunk I was last night? So not a good idea. I went out with Freshman Year Best Friend (who keeps insisting that I refer to him as 'stud' on this blog - however, I've declined). Well, first we had drinks at his place and chatted about the sorry state of my love life and how our weekends were, etc etc. Then out to the Mission to hit up the bars, specifically Cha Cha Cha. Got realllly drunk, had long drunken convo about our friends, our lives, etc. Then I got convinced to go to Cancun - the taqueria that we both love. OMG, a taco never tasted so good. After that I hopped the bus and made it home by midnight.

I totally overslept this morning, which meant taking the 8:45 am shuttle instead of the 6:50 one. I missed my meeting (oh, well whatever), and I've been tooling around work for a while. I'm hoping to go home early so I have the energy to hang out with Tech Guy tonight. We're supposed to go see I'm Not There (the Bob Dylan movie) and I might break my no sleepovers on school nights rule. Depends on how he feels about driving me home around midnight. I'll have to check with him and see what the deal is.

I'm starting to feel like shit. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week. All I know is I need to get plenty of sleep to be ready for Seattle this weekend! Yay! That means low-key Wednesday and Thursday nights.

Ho-kay, back to work!

drunk.

I'm drunk right now. Or at least I think I am. It's weird. I had red bull and vodka, which I never really do, but did tonight because my choices were limited. It was nice, though. The fancy club I mean. Although no one was in it most of the time and the one time there were people, they were about 35, but still. I enjoyed the company of MB and my roommate.

I need to find an outlet to do the things I want to do. I'm getting stagnant and it's bothering me and you know why it's bothering me? Because it makes me think that my life would be so much better in New York and I don't like feeling that way. I like my friends and my life here, but the culture of California (or lack thereof --- OHHH SNAP!) is killing me. I can't take it anymore - I'm dyingggggg. I need to be back on the East Coast. Where things and attitudes are familiar to me. I cannot handle this. I just can't. I know I'm a party girl at heart and so I have to find a way to be that while in SF, which just might mean branching out a bit more. I need to figure out how to do that. I'm usually pretty good at that. Forcing change. I just need to get started and soon.

Oh, I cut my hair today. It scares me. I always hate it at first and then grow to love it. Shit. We'll see.

The alcohol feels like it's burning a hole in my stomach. FUCK.

Well tomorrow I get to see Tech Guy and he can make it all better. I love filling the hole in my heart with meaningless sex. You should try it. It works wonders. BTW, that was drunken sarcasm. HA - HA. Fuck, you have no idea how hard it is to type this and edit it so I don't sound like a drunken fool.

Peace.

Oh remind me, I have stories about The Engineer.

i was supposed to talk about my job...

... but then I got tipsy at said job, so I don't feel like it. Two glasses of wine and two cranberry Grey Goose jello shots (yes, they serve jello shots at our company happy hour.... classy, right? perfect for me!) and I'm feeling woozy. I kind of want another one, though. Maybe I'll go back downstairs and get something to help me sleep on the shuttle.

Anywho, in boy news... the Engineer is making me wait. God, I hate boys who make me wait, which really means that boys that make me wait always manage to keep my attention. That's exactly how I like it. I love a challenge and I'm totally ready to step my game up. Screwing around with Tech Guy is too goddamned easy. There's something about knowing you can get it whenever you want it that's just not fun. I like to push myself. So yeah, he's busy this weekend, all next week, and the next weekend. Which gives me the female equivalent of dating blue balls. He sent me the cutest e-mail, though, saying that he wanted me to know that he wasn't avoiding me but that it's just a busy time for him. And I actually believe him. So 10 days until we see each other again. And in the meantime I have Tech Guy and the Statistician to keep me company.

Most importantly, MB just moved here! YAY! For those of you who don't know, MB is my sorority sister and I love her to death and I'm so happy that she's living with us until she finds a place. I couldn't be happier. So yeah, me, her, and freshman year best friend are going out tonight. I'm stoked.

So that's my life thus far. I just have to fill the next 10 days with tons of shit and before I know it I'll be out on Date 2 with the Engineer.

Have a good weekend, ya'll!

everything is topsy-turvy.

My love life is complicated. It's been this way ever since childhood. I have the most fucked up sexual history on earth. I think the only people that might even have a clue how messed up it is is my Female Sexuality class because even my friends don't know. Men have walked in and out of my life, but always in strange ways and they've always been few and far between. I never really rounded the bases like a normal girl, I took them all out of turn. So tell me why all of a sudden I feel like my love life is exploding? Every time my phone goes off, I honestly don't know who it could be.

I've been seeing this guy. I'm using "seeing" pretty loosely - we've been on two dates, one dinner date and he came over another time, but we've been communicating for the past month or so. I'm lukewarm about him. He's not really my type - not "intellectual" enough for me (yes, I know that makes me sound like a snot. I don't give a shit), he's bald (haha, that makes me laugh), and he's definitely not aggressive enough for me. I really just want to hook up, but he's making me wait. I feel like the man in the relationship. I desperately just want to rip his clothes off, but that's not my style. I like for men to be the aggressors. So every time we hang out I get the female equivalent of blue balls and I can't handle it anymore. But all of a sudden, he's all up in my grill ALL THE TIME. We've spent several nights texting back and forth, and recently it's been getting slightly sexual, which gives me hope. He always asks what I'm doing and even texted me after the earthquake we had here the other day. So maybe he's interested. And maybe when I go to his apartment this weekend, he'll put some kind of move on me. Honestly. I'm not some delicate little flower -- I need a man who knows what he wants and takes it. That's hot. Moving at the pace of a fucking snail - NOT HOT. So, he's my Sunday night, we'll see how it goes. I'll be sure to report back.

Now for my Friday night. Another online dating find (remind me to tell you how much I hate dating AND online dating - I'd really rather have my eyelashes plucked out one at a time than go on another 'first date'). This one is way more my speed. He's smart, he works in tech, and he has his own start-up. Nothing gets me hotter than an ambitious man. I mean, really. I think it's the sexiest thing on Earth. Another plus is we've already had the sex discussion. Well, not 'the' sex discussion so much as we had a long convo about S&M. So he's clearly not squeamish about sex. Thank God. Physically, he's not really my type. And he's been contacting me a little more than I'm comfortable with, but I guess that means he's into me for now. Although he did mention something about getting me flowers, which made me want to vomit. I hate flowers. A LOT. They just die. If you want to buy me something I'll use, how about a bottle of Jack? Or sexy lingerie? At least I can use that and maybe we can both get some enjoyment out of it. Anyway, we're doing dinner and a movie this Friday night. Wish me luck!

Saturday night should be nice and low-key. I'm hanging out with my Freshman Year Drinking Buddy - one of my favorite people on Earth to drink with. The two of us have had some really fun times and he knows how insane I am, so I don't have to hold back. I'm hoping there's some dive bars in our plans for Saturday - I love cheap alcohol. So that's my weekend in a nutshell.

Now I should go back to work. I started this entry around 10 and it took like 4 hours to finish. What the hell?

-- CJ