2010: a retrospect...

I've been delaying this entry for far too long due to my lazy vacation. Now, I'm back in SF and getting ready for my New Years weekend plans. This feels like the first year in forever that I haven't gone out partying with my BFFs at some Manhattan nightclub. I'm kind of sad when I see all the tweets about fancy NYE dresses. Instead, I've opted to head up to Sea Ranch, CA with my SF friends and my boyfriend for a weekend of relaxation and drinking. I think it's going to be really fun and I'm excited to hang out with everyone and get to see a new part of CA. I'm always a little nervous when it comes to the boyfriend and the friends mixing, in addition to the fact that I'll be spending whole 4 days with him (eek! scary!), but I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll report back in January =)

ANYWAY. 2010. Jesus Christ - what a year! Seriously, this may have been one of the most tumultuous and rewarding years of my adult existence. Even though most of the good stuff happened in the last half of the year, it overshadows anything that came before. I can barely think of anything that isn't new in my life right now - new city, new apartment, new living situation, new job, new boyfriend. Holy shit on a shingle! That is a lot of change, which you all know I frickin' love!

I think I'll do something different this time and take a look at my goals from the beginning of the year and where I stack up with them.

1. Stop focusing on other people's lives and focus on your own. Struggled with this one a bit. I let the whole TG thing consume me and I still do to an extent. I haven't blogged about it here because (1) I know it would bother him and he knows where this thing lives and (2) I'm trying not to let his unfollowing me on Twitter bother me. So yeah, I need to work on that in the new year - just doing what I do and only caring about that. It's just really fucking hard for me. I'm a dweller, a thinker, and an analyzer. Yes, I'm also a crazy exhibitionist AND a narcissist, but I really do give a shit what people think of me and how my life is stacking up in comparison to everyone else's. It's a bad habit, especially considering my life is pretty sweet most of the time. I should really stop caring about the outside world and pull my focus inward.
2. Find your dream job and do what you can to get it. Mission accomplished, bitches! I found a job I liked in Event Planning and even though I had no prior experience or exposure, I convinced them that I could do it and I start in two weeks. I'm super fucking proud of myself over that one because I really feel like I made a positive change in my life. I moved to SF knowing that I wanted to focus on my career and I did it. Here's hoping I didn't pick a dud - haha!
3. Treat your body like a temple. Um, I suck at this. I haven't treated my body like a temple at all - more like a toxic dump site. I've been drinking wayyyy too much and eating wayyy too much and I feel like a gross little piglet at times. I have not been exercising the way I should and I need to get a grip on my hair. Luckily, I think I'm starting to come out of that funk and I'm motivated to lose some weight, start working out like a fiend, and presenting myself in my best light. I'm experimenting with my hair and finding out what products work for it and my wardrobe is due for an upgrade. So even though I epic failed all over this one this year, I'm workin' on it =)
4. Do something each day to enrich your mind. I think I did this. 2010 was a year in which I rediscovered my love of books. I read all the time now - expanding my library and my worldview with each new book. I loved The Millenium Trilogy, in addition to Schiff's Cleopatra, and I've got Patti Smith's book on the docket. This is in addition to all of the other books I've kept my head in this year. I'm trying to read about history, culture, language, everything I can get my hands on. I hope to keep it up in 2011.
5. Focus on forming healthy relationships with men. The Good Lord knows I struggle with this every day. I think progress is being made. I'm in a good relationship with a good man that treats me well. I try to be as great of a girlfriend as I can, but it's a learning curve. He's teaching me more about what I want in a relationship and I'm trying to figure out if he's a good match for me. I feel like I'm learning and growing and having fun along the way. This was probably the first romantic thing I didn't royally fuck up in my whole entire life. That's a pretty big deal. Let's hope I can continue on this path and get my shit right next year.

So there you have it - 2010 Year In Review. Resolutions tomorrow or Friday! 

"your blog was more interesting when you were single..."

So said my co-worker Gremlin to me over a dinner in Manhattan the other day. Truth be told, I'm starting to feel that way about both my blog and my life. I've always been single - I mean, I've dated guys, some for long periods of time, but I never really relinquished my single status. So here I am, in a drama-free relationship and my best writing material has been zapped. I have nothing to say on the phone with my girlfriends, no fun stories to share. I'm nervous about writing too much about my relationship on here because this is new territory for me. I mean, I've always maintained some basic rules about writing about men. If I like you - I mean, really like you as a person - some things are off limits (i.e., penis size, bedroom skillz or lack thereof, identifying personal information). However, one night stands are totally open game. If we only boned once, I'm not really going to care much about spreading your business on the internet. I won't name you, but I will talk details, especially if they're as hilarious as me kicking you in the face or as sluttastic as having sex in cars with boys I just met. Also, if you're hung like a porn star, you're going on the blog. That's just the way it is. But with the boyfriend, I don't want to put it all out there because it feels wrong to me - there's more at stake.

My relationships have always been full of so much drama that it's hard for me to deal with being in a relationship with a guy who doesn't make me want to scream half the time. I know this is probably a good thing, but I'm a huge drama queen, so I sometimes see it as boring instead of a positive. I miss the days of dramatic blog entries about the random shit that the men I've dated have done. Instead, the only thing I really have to say is that my boyfriend loves to post sappy photos of us on Facebook and put ridiculous captions underneath that manage to embarrass me and make me smile at the same time. Not exactly the things great blog entries are made of.

In the end, what troubles me the most is the fact that I'm hinging my interestingness on my relationship status. Just because I have a boyfriend doesn't mean I'm any less worthwhile or that I don't have interesting, insightful things to say. I'm still the same crazy, say anything, TMI-spewing chick I've been for the past couple of years. Now, I just happen to have a boyfriend in my life. Things have changed, but I haven't.

it's christmastime in the city!

Yeah, I've entered my Long Island, at-home-with-the-family Internet-free cocoon. I have three Twitter accounts I'm not updating, haven't checked Facebook in forever, and the blogging is at an all-time low. Apologies, I'll try to do better, but I'm enjoying the break. It's nice to clear my head a little bit and stop analyzing shit. Instead, I've been sleeping and watching movies and TV with the fam.

I'm going out tomorrow with the work chicas to see Black Swan (again) and get margaritas! Yay! I'm excited because I miss them all like whoa! I'm also going to do some major work on my hair, which is dry, brittle, and shedding wayyy too much for my liking. I bought a fuck-ton of natural hair products and I'm getting ready to work it out. I watched Good Hair today, which reminded me why I'm so happy I'm not relaxing my hair anymore. No judgment to those who do, but I needed a break from all of that. I also got my brand new iPad! Yay! The boyfriend wants us to get matching apps so we can play games together. Good Lord, what am I going to do about this boy? Then he suggested a kama sutra app and it restored my faith in our relationship.

Okay, going back to my wine-induced slothdom. No frackin' clue why I'm up at 2am, especially considering I'm going to a 10:40am movie tomorrow, but it's all good! I'm on vacation! =)

31 Day Reset Challenge - Day 13

I'm a little bit behind, but here's Day 13. The task was to come up with 100 things that make us happy. Here's my list, in no particular order:

1. Trashy television
2. Sugar cookies
3. Massages
4. Unbridled laughter
5. Writing
6. Composition notebooks
7. Sarcasm
8. My parents
9. Jon Hamm
10. Steak
11. Jalapeno hot sauce (and jalapenos in general)
12. My officemates
13. Violent make-out sessions
14. Blogging
15. San Francisco weather
16. The Yankees
17. Lemonade
18. Talking about sex
19. Obsessive use of Foursquare
20. Twitter
21. Blow jobs (I'm just keeping it real, ya'll...)
22. Spending entire days in bed
23. My DVR
24. gChat
25. Making lists
26. Dancing
27. Lady Gaga
28. Glee
29. Being obsessed with Criminal Minds
30. The MCM
31. Technology
32. Being snarky
33. Natural hair
34. Boot camps
35. Long walks
36. Ferry rides
37. Mexican food
38. Books
39. History Channel specials
40. Smiles from cute strangers
41. Alcatraz tours
42. Finding money in old purses
43. The color yellow
44. Kittens/cats
45. The Chappelle Show
46. Live comedy shows
47. Alcohol
48. Cleavage
49. Being by the water
50. This video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCK7njbgDO8&feature=player_embedded
51. Jeopardy
52. Word games
53. Late nights in New York
54. Soy Caramel Macchiatos 
55. Russian culture
56. Love Actually
57. Making up nicknames for all my friends
58. Spooning
59. Mani/pedis
60. Minneola Tangelos 
61. Candy
62. Jezebel.com
63. Laura Ingalls Wilder books
64. Feminism
65. Intelligence
66. The made-up language that Jammerz and I use
67. New York pizza and bagels
68. Doing my job well
69. Volleyball
70. Boston-New York rivalries
71. Bourbon and Branch
72. Getting hammered on work nights
73. My alma mater
74. Day drinking
75. Android cell phones
76. Eucerin lotion (haha, I have dry skin)
77. My sorority sisters
78. Everyone who comments on my blog
79. Being "one of the guys"
80. Fancy dresses
81. White House Black Market
82. Exploring other cultures
83. Old school animated Christmas specials
84. Church hymns
85. Witty banter
86. Musical theater
87. Nostalgia
88. Spearmint candy canes
89. Riesling
90. White Russians
91. Movie theaters
92. Geeky fantasy novels
93. Inappropriate comments
94. A man with a good sense of humor
95. Adoption
96. This video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UehSJlOQj2I
97. Autumn leaves
98. Easter sunday dinner
99. Black Twitter
100. Waking up early

i suck at christmas...

I am the world's worst gift-giver. Seriously, I just don't know how to do it. Every so often I have a savant moment and I get something amazing - like last year when I bought my dad a netbook. Other than that, though, I'm functionally retarded when it comes to buying gifts.

I'm super stressed out this year because boyfriend bought me a gift and I have *no* idea what to get him. I also don't know what his gift is - it's probably something awesome because he's awesome and into me and a good person. I, on the other hand, am a selfish, narcissistic bitch, so it's going to be hard for me to think of something good to get him. I'm thinking a case for his iPad. It's not that personal, but hey - we've been together for less than three months. To top it off, I have absolutely no idea what to get friends and family. My mother is really the one I'm worried about. I mean, my stupid brothers don't care what I get them and my dad is happy with anything, but my mother is nuts. She used to tell us when we were kids, "It's the thought that counts. But you have to think!" Just to give you a little taste of my childhood. I wish I could just put money in an envelope because I know she needs it and at least it would be something she wouldn't return.

So yeah, boyfriend's gift is sitting under my tree and I'm dying to know what it is. It's very long and flattish and thin. He says I can't open it til Christmas, so I guess it'll just sit there for a while. In other news, he met more of my friends on Sunday. I really wanted to intro him to Freshman Year Best Friend because his opinion means a lot to me and he knows me really well, so I like getting his perspective. He likes him, so yay! Everyone was friendly and the boy talked more than he normally does and it was a good time. So that's a plus!

Anyway, I am seriously slacking on work and need to email this presentation out to my team. Of course, first I have to finish it!  Wish me luck!

holiday party magic!

Friday night was the big company party! As with most things my job does, it was amazing. It took place at the Galleria in SF and the venue was gorgeous. It was a beautiful night - tons of people, three floors of good food, good drinks, and music. I was fairly intoxicated by the end of the evening, and the boyfriend doesn't dance so we left kind of early to head back to my place for some more private fun =) And look at me, being all good, I have some photos from the party!

 The Galleria

 Partygoers on multiple floors

Boyfriend and I got a caricature

All in all, the evening was really nice! It was fun to introduce boyfriend to my work friends and I love getting dressed up and going to fancy places. We had a really nice night! 

can you be happy being happy?

I am really loving my life in San Francisco. It's almost scary how well things have fallen into place. The other day I was in the backseat of a cab, traveling home after a dinner at a friend's place and I just felt so overwhelmingly full of happiness and contentment. Things seem to be working out for me so far - new job, new boyfriend, reconnecting with old friends. I feel like my gamble on moving here has really paid off. However, I've noticed something about myself throughout this whole process. Basically, my happiness hinges on how much control I feel I have over my life. If I don't feel like I put the ball into motion on something, I can't truly love it or embrace it fully. I don't know if that's a positive character trait or a flaw, but I'm the ultimate control freak in that way.

I'm not sure happiness suits me. I'm an incredible worrier and even as happy as I am, I keep thinking about things that need to change or negative thoughts about positive aspects of my life. I look at my relationship and I wonder if I can ever really be happy with someone else. If I can open myself enough to let someone really see me and be with me. I'm a complicated, complex, moody person and I just wonder if I'll ever like anyone enough to want them to stick around. I also have life-ADD like whoa. Symptoms include: Inability to stay in one city for longer than two years, Constant desire for change, Feeling that all things and people are ultimately disposable. It's really pathological how tied to change I am. MB pointed it out to me once - the fact that I tend to always choose the difficult road. Always. Now that I've moved to SF and followed the tough path and seen it pay off, I wonder if I'll stick around long enough to enjoy it. Or if I'll try again, pick the difficult choice and uproot myself - whether mentally, physically, or emotionally.

People are always saying "happiness is a journey, not a destination," but I'm firmly convinced that that's my problem. I'm down for the journey, but when I get to where I'm going, I never want to stop.

31 Day Reset Challenge - Day 9

I'm back on the challenge! I've been a little behind, but I'm on Day 9 and figured I'd take some time to blog about it. The challenge (from yesterday) was to do one thing in order to further a goal you have. I decided to focus on my goal to be a world-famous, fabulous blogger =) Okay... maybe not world famous, but I definitely want to take this blogging thing to the next level - more interaction, more readers, better content.

So today, I've joined 20 Something Bloggers in the hopes of getting some feedback on this site, as well as connecting with other bloggers. In addition to that, I have some awesome regular readers who comment here a lot and I want to spread the love to their blogs as well. So I'll be adding a bunch of new feeds to my reader. I also started a Twitter account - you can find me on www.twitter.com/pillowtkisextra! Lastly, but not least-ly (hehe), I ordered a new blog design from Utterly Chaotic Designs (thanks for the recommendation - Late to the Party and MommaSkinnyJeans)! Okay, I know that that's not one thing, but what can I say - I'm an overachiever!

I really enjoyed this exercise - I've been blogging for such a long time (7 years, ya'll!) and I really want to start being a larger part of the blog community - sharing my writing, experiences, and works with others. I have no idea where the hell all this will lead, but I want to take the necessary steps to make this hobby something more!

our blogs, our boyfriends.

Is it unethical not to tell your boyfriend about your blog?

I've been thinking about this lately because my boyfriend doesn't know about this here corner of the internet. I may have mentioned that I blog when we first started dating, but it's never been anything I've emphasized and he never asked about it, so I never elaborated. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I like sharing my life on the internet. I don't really think anything is TMI - well, there are a few things, but in general I tell ya'll everything. I mean, I wrote in detail about a one night stand where I kicked a guy in the face! I don't shy away from sharing it all because I wish someone would've told me what the real world is like, what real relationships between men and women were like. This way, I can share some of my experiences with people and hopefully find some common ground. If not, then I guess I can give you guys something to laugh/shake your head at =)

Of course, this means that I share details about my feelings and my experiences as they're being formed - thought processes that I'm not sure I want my boyfriend (or any man I'm dating) to see. This blog has helped me explore my relationships and my sexuality and I view it as a necessary outlet for my personal growth. However, I get that a man might want to know what I'm talking about here and what I say about him. I try to think about it in the reverse - if a guy I was seeing had a similar blog and didn't want to tell me about it, how would I feel? To be honest, I don't think I'd really care much. I would view it as a diary - everyone's entitled to one of those, right? However, as Freshman Year Best Friend brought up when we went out for dinner yesterday, a diary is totally private, whereas a blog is public and out there. How can I restrict someone that means something to me from something that everyone in the world has access to see? I have to say he has a point.

I mean, I want a relationship based on trust and openness, but I don't necessarily feel the need to know every single thought that my significant other has. That being said, I think I'd like it if eventually I dated someone that I felt comfortable sharing this with - someone who would know about it, but would be secure enough in us and in our relationship not to use it to pry into my thoughts and to be comfortable being written about. But I know that not all men are like that. I like to think my current boyfriend is the type who doesn't need to know everything about me in order to trust me. He knows that I don't cheat and that I'm faithful. He knows I need my 'me' time and that I can't be available all of the time. I respect him for that because it makes me more enthused to be with him - having a man who gives you your space makes you want to be with him that much more.

There really is no conclusion to this for me - I think blogging is always a slippery slope, especially when you have a blog that's as personal as mine is. I pour everything into this and it's hard to think about letting someone see that side of me so quickly. So I think for now, I'm going to keep it to myself, until I get more of a sense of where this relationship is headed and how much he can handle having an exhibitionist girlfriend who's TMI-ing it all over the internet. But I still have to wonder if I think it's fair to hold this back. Thoughts?

Christmas!

I spent most of last weekend decorating for Christmas with my boyfriend. It was super-exciting and no one killed anyone, even after stops at Target, Michael's, and the liquor store with the crazy rush of holiday shoppers. I posted some pics below of what we did.

The tree - I can't take any credit for this, as the Blexican put up all the ornaments. It's beautiful and every night I come home and sit in front of it and dream about Christmas.

Okay, boyfriend thought this thing was weird and gave me *major* side-eye when I picked it up, but it might be my favorite Christmas decoration. It's a cute little snowman and with the lights off, all lit up, it looks adorbz.

A black angel because I'm black and tend to buy black things. I don't know why, but the Michael's in Daly City was FULL of black Santas and angels. I didn't think there was a large number of black people out there. My mom says, and I quote "that shit is probably left over from last year and it didn't sell." Hahaha. No clue why it was there, but I enjoyed the selection.

I did a bunch more decorating, but figured I'd just show a few pics. I am absolutely obsessed with the Christmas season and I'm excited I get to go home every night to a decorated living room. It makes SF feel more like home.

31 Day Reset Challenge - Day 5

I am so behind on this! It's overwhelming, but I think it's necessary and useful to my personal growth so I'm going to try my darnedest to catch up!

Day 5: Write a personal mission statement.
So the goal here is to write a statement that takes into account all of the values from Day 3 and gives you a concise summary of what you want in your life and who you want to be. Mine is the following:

I will strive to live a life of passion and dynamic change - a life in which I pursue my interests and desires, never being afraid to step outside of my comfort zone. I will be strong enough to travel my path alone, but open enough to embrace and accept the love and friendship that others offer me on my journey. I will search for a real career path, something that I love to do, a job that I will be excited to wake up for each morning. When I lose that passion and that flame, I will move on to the next phase in my life. I want to ensure that I always balance my career with "me time" and the chance to blow off steam with some friends. I love alcohol and entertaining and being social and that should balance out the time I spend at work. I will use my organization skills and OCD tendencies to streamline my life and my finances. I want to live a life of joy and happiness - making other people laugh and laughing at myself. I will seek out knowledge - taking classes, reading books, and soaking up whatever new information I can get my hands on. I will always stress the need for balance in my life, remembering that you need the sour to appreciate the sweet. I will never take any experience for granted, even a bad one because all experiences are opportunities for learning and growth.

zomg new job!

Quick update because I'm super behind on life! I got the job! I am going to be the new Marketing Events Administrator, helping with some of the major events at my company. I'm starting from the bottom, but I'm going to work my way up and it's going to be awesome. I get to move over to the San Francisco office, which means a shorter commute with less stress. Plus, I'm going to get to do something I've always wanted to do - event planning. I'm so frickin' excited! I'm sad to leave my team because I love them to death, but I'm really happy to have this new opportunity! YAY!

Okay, that's all!

i'm almost there!

I just realized I never posted about the job updates that are happening right now. First of all, I'm super excited to say that the Marketing Events team likes me and I'm advancing to the next round (I love how that makes it sound like a competitive sport or something). Basically, this means hiring committee has to review me and determine if I sound like I could do the job or if I'm a reject. I'm a little nervous because this particular hiring committee has some bigwigs on it, like people you read about on teh interwebs. I'm terrified to think that these big time tech folks are going to be judging me and could potentially find me lacking.

That's not the real fear, though. My real fear is that they'll downlevel me or that my pay will change. Basically, they tell you when you apply that there's a chance you compensation could go down. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen, although I've prepped for that. The real issue is down-leveling. I don't think I've blogged too much about my job struggles, but long story short - it took me a *long* time to get promoted and it was long overdue when it happened. Mostly a combination of shitty timing, the rotation program I was in, and a manager that has since been fired. So to go back would be a deal-breaker for me. Since I'm starting a new career, though, I think that they could argue for it. I just don't know. I suppose there's nothing to do but wait to see if I get the damn job first, and then what comp comes back with in terms of an offer. Blarg. Annoying. But, anyhow - yay! They like me! They want me! Now the higher-ups just need to decide they like me, too.

In other news, I had a nice night in with my boyfriend last night and I'm slowly but surely starting to eradicate the fears I have about our relationship. More on that later =)

31 Day Reset Challenge - Day 3

Today, the challenge asked us to pick our Top 10 values and list them. This was really hard for me, actually. I had a list of about 20 when I did my brainstorm and narrowing them down was difficult. I did learn something about myself, though, when I looked at what I had to cut out. I think I may have even learned more by what I didn't include than what I did. When I did my first Top 10, absolutely nothing I wrote had anything to do with family or friends or love. I know I joke around about being an ice queen, but maybe there's more truth to it than I thought. Then I really started to look at my life and the things that have really sustained me and while love is definitely not on my list, friendship was something that just had to be there. I'd be nothing without my friends, for real. So here's my list (in no particular order):

1. Financial security: This is what I've been striving for my whole life - having enough money to live the life I want. I don't need to be filthy rich (although I certainly wouldn't turn it down), but I want to know that I will always be able to provide for myself and my family. 
2. Intelligence: I am an intellectual snob. I love knowledge and learning and I have a special place in my heart for geeks. I like learning useless facts for trivia and I love reading about things I don't know and trying to beef up my knowledge factor.
3. Passion: I don't like to do things half-ass, so I don't. If I don't want to do something, it's most likely just not going to get done. I went to a palm reader once because I was curious why I have a line going all the way across my palm (I've only met one other person with the same palm line). She told me it was because I needed to be fully invested in everything I do, that I needed to be passionate about the things I get involved in or else I can't function. She's 100% correct - I need passion to feel complete.
4. Balance: I think this is one of the most important things in life. I always want to make sure that I'm completely balanced and that nothing is off-kilter. I need the yin and the yang to feel like my life is going well.
5. Independence: I don't like relying on anyone for anything - it's too easy to be disappointed. Instead, I strive to always support myself in all that I do and to be emotionally strong enough to handle what life throws my way without any assistance. I know this isn't 100% possible, but I don't ever want to feel like I'm depending on someone else to live my life.
6. Ability to laugh at life: I laugh at everything, even shit I shouldn't laugh at. I don't know if it's a black thing - we love our humor! - but I just like finding the funny in everything around us. I believe that there's no situation that can't be lightened by a funny joke or a witty comment. The day I stop laughing is when I'll know that life is no longer worth living.
7. Organization: I have serious OCD. I mean it. I make lists like a crazy person about shit that people shouldn't make lists for. Fuck cleanliness, organization is next to godliness for me. I like feeling like my life is in order.
8. Ability to accept and embrace change: I have a huge boner for change - I love it. It forces you to grow, makes you flexible and teaches you that nothing in life is permanent. Anytime I have a chance to do something different, I take it. It's never steered me in the wrong direction because I've always learned something from it.
9. Learning about other cultures: I love learning about groups that are different from my own. I'm a half-black, half-Puerto Rican chick, but I'm obsessed with Russian culture and I was in Asian club for all my years in high school. I'm constantly trying to learn more about the world and other people's customs. 
10. Friendship: If nothing else, I hope people think I'm a good friend. My friends are my lifeline and they sustain me when I don't have anything else to hold onto. So I try to do my best to stay connected and to be there when people need me.

arg, why now?!

Okay, so I haven't seen my boyfriend in two and a half weeks because I was home in NY and then when I got back, he was working nights. Tonight is supposed to be our big 'bomb chicka wow wow' evening of doing nothing but having sex but NO. My motherfucking period has to show up, even though my Android app told me she wasn't coming until tomorrow. Fuck womanhood. Okay, I don't mean that, but I'm frustrated. Sex delayed for another week. Awesome. I know I could just have sex while I have my period, but I don't like it - so there! Wah! FML!

In other news, I am obsessed with my My Days app on my Droid Incredible. I can add when my period starts and ends as well as when I have sex. It tells me when my next period is going to happen (it's usually right, this month was a fluke) as well as when I'm high fertility. It's AMAZING. Technology improves everything!

Anyway, I'm grumpy and crampy, so don't mind me. I do have lots of fun weekend plans, though! Tonight is boyfriend time. Tomorrow is my Mad Men/Nopalito date with MB, followed by a drag show with my work friends (cannot wait!). Sunday is more boyfriend time and we're going to decorate my apartment for Christmas and then go see a Christmas show! So maybe the weekend won't suck so much, but my body has horrible timing this month. Although, as usual - thank you God for not making me pregnant! W00t!

31 Day Reset Challenge - Day 2

Yes, yes, folks - I'm doing another 30ish day challenge! I'm really excited about this one, though. It's being run by @HappyBlackWoman who I've been following on Twitter and whose blog I've been reading since this summer. Basically, it's a chance to do some pre-work before all those New Years resolutions. A time of reflection, renewal, and recharging for the year ahead. For more information, you can peep the challenge info here. Today's exercise is to conduct a life assessment, something I'm constantly doing in my head and in my various docs, but haven't really formalized. So here goes, I'll be evaluating what I love and hate about these 7 areas of my life:

• Lifestyle
• Work
• Education
• Finances
• Health
• Family
• Relationships

Here goes!

Lifestyle: Moving to San Francisco this August was the best decision I've made in a long time. I feel at home here and I'm loving living by myself. I love my apartment, it's got tons of space and it's all mine. I hate that I haven't decorated or really put my mark on the place. I hate that I don't cook at all and instead eat 3 meals a day at my job. It makes me feel like I'm not a real adult. I hate that I haven't bought nice pots and pans or cookware and that I don't have "adult" things. I have nice furniture, but I haven't put any artwork up or really gone about making my place look homey.

Work: I love where I work - my company is young, vibrant, and full of talented and smart people. I love the opportunities they've given me and the things they do. I love my team and my manager - they're amazing people who make going to work fun and I honestly think the only reason I've done this job as long as I have is because of them. What I hate is that I feel lost in my career and I feel like I'm doing something that's not really meant for me. I fell into HR by accident - it was supposed to be a stopover until I started doing what I thought I was meant to do - being an attorney. Instead, I decided the law wasn't for me and I just stayed in my current place, without thinking about what I really wanted to do. I grew complacent and stagnant and those are two qualities I can't stand. I'm starting to get out of that funk, but I still hate that I have no concrete plan for my future. I don't do well with not having a plan.

Education: I love the fact that my parents sacrificed a lot for me to attend my alma mater. I fully acknowledge that if it weren't for my Ivy League education, I probably wouldn't be working where I am today with all the opportunities I have. I am grateful for everything my parents did to get me there, as well as my own part in studying and working hard and being intellectually curious. However, I do hate that I haven't pursued a higher degree. For a long time I wanted to be a lawyer, but I realized that that's not the path for me. I do think, though, that I need to get some more education, hopefully an MBA. I also  have a strong desire to get involved in the sex education business and I know that in order to do that, I need to get certified and take classes. I just hope I never stop learning, whether it's from the classroom, reading on my own time, or researching the things I'm interested in.

Finances: Anyone who knows me knows that I suck at money. My finances are a hot ass mess, which is a goddamn shame because I have a steady, well-paying job but apparently I don't have any sense. I love that I have the money to live the lifestyle I like. I hate that I can't seem to save money for anything and that I'm not as stable in the long-term as someone in my situation should be. This is one area with huge red flags all over it - I need to fix my money quickly because you never know what could happen, especially in this economy.

Health: Another "area for development." I love that I have such a solid grip on my emotions and my inner mental growth - I'm incredibly introspective and I try to reason out all of my feelings so I know what's going on in my head. My spiritual health could probably use some work, but I don't know if I'm ready to tackle that yet. What I hate is that I'm not 100% satisfied with my physical fitness. It's not as much about my weight, it's more the fact that I used to be super athletic and now I've just kind of stopped doing anything physical at all. I miss feeling like my body could do anything - walking a half-marathon, playing a game of volleyball, doing a boot camp. I want to feel that again. I need to really look at what I'm putting into my body and maybe swap out some of the booze for some fruits and veggies. I love living the drunken, party girl lifestyle, but one day it's going to catch up with me and it will not be pretty. 

Family: I love that I have such a supportive family - my mother, father, and three brothers. We're a pretty close bunch and we're all a bunch of characters. Our loud, New York personalities make going home for the holidays a blast. What I hate is that the distance makes it so difficult for me to communicate with them regularly. I live in SF and they're all in NY. I work a demanding job, so by the time I get home, it's like 10pm their time and my geriatric parents are already asleep. I hate that I'm not patient with them - that I snap at my mother and ignore her calls and texts sometimes because she'll contact me at inconvenient times. I wish I could be a little bit kinder with them, realizing that it's hard to have your only daughter 3,000 miles away from you.

Relationships: I love that I have a ton of amazing friends and that they're family to me at this point. I love that I still spend every day talking to three people I met in the 7th grade. I love that I've made excellent work friends that I can party with, share secrets with, and laugh with. I love that after 25 years of being single, I've finally found a boyfriend. For the hate side of this coin, I'm a bit challenged emotionally. I find it hard to connect to people sometimes, especially men. I'm in this relationship, but sometimes I'm not sure I'm really in it. I get scared and I always want to run away. I need to work on fixing that. I hate that I can't seem to open up to the guys I date and really give them my all, the way I do with my friends.

Wow, that was long, but super productive. I love inspecting my life from all angles, so this was a perfect exercise for me!

Hopefully this challenge will help me grow =)

change is a comin'!

I'm really excited about my reinvigorated interest in my blog - it's extremely refreshing and I can't wait to really take my involvement with blogging and the social media world to the next level! To begin with, I have a new address - http://www.pillowtalkisextra.com! Tell your friends! Pretty soon, I'm going to be linking this page to the world on my twitter account(s) in the hopes of attracting new readers and getting myself out there. I've decided that the time has come to really figure out what my identity is going to be on the interwebs. In that vein, I'm going to make my current personal twitter account private, so I feel more comfortable posting this blog there and I can also share it with all of you! Then, I'll have my public twitter account where I'll be more PG-13 and work-friendly.

As far as what's going to change here - a new layout for sure, as well as more pictures and glimpses of my actual personal life. I may even try my hand at vlogging, although I'm pretty sure I'll suck and I have this thing about seeing myself on television (I did a TV show in college and the memories still haunt me...), so we'll see if that happens. As far as content, same general stuff - me trying to figure out my career, my relationship, sex stuff. I'll be the same honest-to-a-fault, narcissistic over-sharer =)

yay! i just changed my domain!

Edit: Well, it all works fine except for the frickin' RSS feed, which means I don't even know if anyone knows this is being posted. Arg, I'm too tired to fix tonight, but I'm going to do battle tomorrow! If anyone knows how to fix this, that would be great... Apparently, it's fixed! Yay me!

This is really just a test to see if the forwarding works on Google Reader, but I wanted to let ya'll know that I've changed my domain to http://www.pillowtalkisextra.com. That's right, bitches - I have a domain! YAY! Expect more changes to come soon!

Love ya!
CJ

p.s. I was having *major* problems over the past few days getting this shit together, so I'm super proud that I got it to work tonight, especially since I was doing it while watching Glee, drinking copious amounts of wine, and sexting my boyfriend. Oh, yeah, I'm a rockstar! A drunk rockstar, but a rockstar nonetheless. You love me! =)

back to reality.

It's my last few days at home and I'm painfully aware that pretty soon I'll be going back to reality - home to San Francisco and back to work. I've been finding it pretty hard lately to figure out my next moves all because I have no idea what's going on with this new job I interviewed for. I hate living in limbo - I like to always be planning my next move, but that's impossible since everything is up in the air. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately and what I want to do with myself. I'm super scared that if I don't get this job, I'm just going to become complacent and not focus on trying to improve my career. I can get easily discouraged sometimes, especially when there are some setbacks. I know that eventually I'll pick myself up and find my path, but I worry about how long that will take.

I mean, the fact of the matter is this: I'm not satisfied with my career at all. I know this because I felt strongly enough to search for another opportunity. So if said opportunity doesn't work out, I just don't see how I'm going to be happy staying where I am, even though I told my manager that I would be. I mean, what becomes of me then? I've always been excited to work. I've wanted to have a career for the longest time - when I was a kid I wanted to be a teacher, then a psychologist, then a lawyer, and now that that dream is gone, I'm not sure what I want to do. However, I know that I want something meaningful and fulfilling. While I dream of having a family someday, I must admit that my dreams of having a career have always been stronger. So if I lose that, I'm not sure what more I'll really have.

Problem is - I've always been a Jill of all trades, master of none. I'm pretty good at a lot of different things, but there hasn't ever really been one solid thing that I think I could excel at. To be quite honest, I'm sort of hoping I get to have a myriad of jobs over my lifetime. I want the 'big city' type career (ie. event planning, social media, marketing), but then at some point I'd love to move to some remote part of the country and run an inn or a small bed and breakfast. There are so many different things I'd like to try my hand at, but I need some sort of concrete path to get started.

I'm hoping over the next month or so that I can figure my shit out and at least have a goal. From there we'll see where life takes me.

random rambings.

I am exhausted and I have no idea why. I'm sleeping like a crazy person - taking all kinds of naps during the day and then staying up until 3am watching Lost. I need to get on a regular sleep schedule, although I guess staying up til 3am is fine, if you think of it as midnight Pacific time. I head back to California on Wednesday so I should probably start operating on a West Coast sleep schedule. It's strange - I love this time of the year because it's holiday time and everything is so magical and wonderful (I'm currently listen to my Grooveshark Christmas playlist that I spent nine years on), but then I hate it because of all the travel involved. I guess it's my fault for moving to the West Coast, but I like spending time in my apartment without going back and forth to the East Coast. I wish I could just import my friends and family to be with me. I know myself - I'm supremely lazy, so when I get older, all this shit is happening at my house cuz I'm not going anywhere. Run and tell that, homeboy!

In exciting tech news, I bought an iPad today! Even with my brother's 25% discount and the $200 gift certificate from the raffle I bought, I still spent a ton on it and accessories. Oh, well. I know I need to get my finances in order, but I'm just so obsessed with things. I like buying tech gadgets and my wardrobe needs an update. Unfortunately, my bills also need to be paid. I think my goal is to dig myself out of the credit card debt I have from my whole cross-country move by January 1st. I sold some of my stock (my boss and teammates say I should sell now that it's high, so I feel like at least someone is co-signing my decision to offload a small piece of it) and I fully intend to spend the WHOLE amount on credit card debt. No playing around. It won't take care of all of it, but with frugal living and trying to keep my expenses light - no meals out, drinking in my apartment with friends instead of barhopping - I should be able to scramble up the rest from my paycheck. Christmas will be a little bit of a drain, but I think I can do it. That's my number 1 goal for 2011 - fiscal responsibility. Hahaha - wish me luck, because my ass is going to need it.

Anyway, I'm just rambling today because I'm half-drunk with sleep and hunger. Hope everyone's enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay! Turkey Day! I suppose I could write about the things I'm thankful for, but I'm not really in the mood. I'm incredibly pensive today about a number of random things. Thanksgiving was fun! The food was amazing (my mother is a fabulously wonderful cook) and the company was good and it's always awesome to spend time with my family. Of course, I've been letting my mind wander and here are a few places it's passed through.

1. Interviews for the new job went well and the feedback was described by the recruiter as "extremely positive," BUT they have two other candidates in the pipeline and want to finish interviews with them before they make a decision. I'm kind of crushed by this because it doesn't seem to bode well. Although, I'm mad at the friends/parent who also said this to me. Thank you to the friends who are telling me I'll still get it. Haha - even if you're lying, I like it. I guess I'm just not sure if this development is good or bad. I mean, the one chick did start interviewing before me, so it only seems fair that they continue with her, but I figure if they *loved* me they'd hire me on the spot. Arg. I don't know what goes on behind the scenes in recruiting (even though I was a recruiting coordinator for 9 months... whatevs), so I guess I'll just try to forget about it until I know. There's also the fact that I'm internal, which means it is MUCH easier for them to hire me than anyone from the outside. Even if they love her, if the hiring committee and higher-ups have issues with her education or resume, she's out. So it could still be good. Anyways, wish me luck!
2. I got a text from TG today. It was a simple 'Happy Thanksgiving' text that I know wasn't a mass text because my name was in it. It kind of threw me off my game because it showed his new Facebook photo, which is him and his new girlfriend. I'm not jealous and I don't want him at all (I mean, I have a boyfriend for one and secondly, TG and I are not right for each other), but it was still weird to see. I just don't like hearing from him at all, but I also don't like being a bitch to someone who once meant something to me, so I just wrote a short, polite response back. Maybe I should stop doing that, but I figure as long as what he does isn't intrusive, I can just roll with it.
3. I worry about my relationship (says the girl who's been in one for like a week and a half). I just wonder if I'm really into him and if this is what I really want. I think because I'm here in NY and he's in CA it's just bringing up doubts. Do we have enough in common? Does he talk enough to date me? Is he exciting enough? I suspect that I just haven't peeled back the layers enough to know for certain. I mean, I like him and the sex is good and he treats me very well. I just need to get... there. You know, that magical place that nearly every girl I know seems to be able to get to with every guy they date at such a fast pace. On the one hand, I'm proud of my independence (I was shockingly flattered when Freshman Year BFF was like "you're much more independent than most girls"), but on the other hand, sometimes I wish I was more like other girls and could fall in love easily. I know it's spared me some pain, but it's probably also caused me to miss out on some good things. But, I know myself - I'm a perfectionist to a fault and so I'm going to try and be the best motherfucking girlfriend on the history of the planet. Even if I die trying.
4. I'm getting fat. Seriously. I never use that word to describe anyone because I know how much pressure women have to be thin and perfect, but seriously, my body is going downhill. I need to get in shape FAST. Of course, it's holiday time and that won't happen, but I guess I can at least get my booty to the gym each day and try to eat more veggies, even as I stuff myself with cakes and cookies and pies. Oh well, at least my boobs are hot. Maybe I'll even make E cup status? =)

So yeah, that's what's running through my mind nowadays...

30 Days of Truth: Day 30

Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Yay! I made it - 30 days of truth! Here's my letter:

Dear CJ,

I fucking love you. You are an amazing person, despite your craziness (or maybe because of it). You go for what you want, you work hard, and you still manage to have a good time. Your sense of humor keeps your friends, acquaintances and coworkers cracking up. After several years of living in a die-hard New York family, you've got sarcasm down pat. Never lose your crisp wit, no matter how many years you spend in California. You are a good writer. Remember that - you forget it too often. You are an excellent friend and whenever you're tempted to think you're not, remember how many people are still in your life. You have friends from elementary, middle, and high school. You have camp friends and college friends, sorority sisters and work friends. You should consider that to be one of your greatest accomplishments and a testament to your personality.

You never take the easy road. You are always challenging yourself and that is a beautiful thing. You constantly look for ways to do new things and have new experiences. From three cross-country moves to a job change to chopping off all of your hair, you are fearless and it has made your life extremely rewarding. Over the years, you've become more at peace with who you are as a person - your faults, quirks, and weakness. Continue to embrace them and never allow anyone to tell you that the way you live your life is wrong. One of the best qualities you have is your ability to laugh through anything. Your smile and laughter is infectious and you should always keep it. 

You are extremely intelligent and curious about so many things and I love that. You explore cultures and languages that are not your own. You read voraciously about a number of different topics. You never let your mind lay dormant. I love how crazy OCD you are - how you make lists each morning that tell you to brush your teeth or wash your face. People think you're nutso, but in reality you're just extremely organized and there's nothing wrong with that.

Last, but not least - you are beautiful. I know you don't believe this 95% of the time, but it's true. From your curves to your full lips to your nose and your crazy/kinky/curly hair, embrace all the beauty that you have as a woman. Remember to always love yourself, regardless of anything life throws your way.

Love always,

Me

30 Days of Truth: Day 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I think the biggest thing I want to change about myself is my ability (or lack thereof) to have difficult conversations and face conflict head on. I feel very wishy-washy a lot of the time and I'm often afraid to talk about anything that I think may offend or hurt someone, even if I'm hurting and offended as a result of something they did. I like to consider myself a very strong person - I embrace change, I actively seek out ways to improve my life, and I've learned to be comfortable with the life I've created. I'm self-reliant and I like that. But, that being said - I still shirk from telling people off when they need to be told off. I let my friends say and do things that upset me without challenging them. And in my career, I'm often silent about important things. That really needs to stop. You can be as secure as you like on the inside, but if you're don't project that externally, you'll never get everything you want.

So in the next year, I want to get bolder and more proactive about facing conflict head on and being the real me 100% of the time, without reservation.

what do i want to be when i grow up?

This question has been haunting me for a long time. There are so many answers and so many aspects - do I want to be a wife? A mother? Thinner? Bigger? More mature? Lately, though, I've been thinking about it in the traditional sense of what kind of a career do I want. This has lead to a lot of soul-searching and ultimately the decision to look into another job at my company. The best thing about working for such a large corporation is that there is a lot of opportunity for movement internally. The company has already seen what you can do, invested in your growth, so they're more likely to let you do things you don't have the experience to do.

I've refrained from talking about it since I know some coworkers have my blog address. It's still a secret to most and I want to keep it that way, but I'm pretty positive that only one person reads this that I work with (hi gremlin!) so I'm just going to come out with it. I'm interviewing tomorrow for an internal position on the Marketing Events team. This is something I think I'd be super passionate about and really good at. I'm looking forward to doing something new, but I'm so incredibly terrified that I won't get the position and all this will be for naught.

Anyhow, more details tomorrow, but wish me luck!

30 days of Truth: Day 28

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Ugh, this is a touchy subject now that I have a significant other. It's also a touchy subject because now I'm having sex on a regular basis and I'm not on birth control because of my blood clot. Umm, need to get my IUD stat. But, anyway... I'm not really sure what I would do until I was faced with that situation. When I think about having a child, I get so nervous - I mean, it's something I definitely want to do down the road, but I want to do it the way I think it should be done - either within a marriage or when I decide that I'm financially ready to do it on my own. I would really need to think long and hard about it and an abortion would be a very real choice. I just hope that I don't have to deal with that anytime soon.

i have a boyfriend. this is weird.

So, I haven't been posting anything substantial lately and I'm so sorry! Haha - life has been kind of busy with working late nights and now my travel to NYC (yay! I'm here!). I haven't had too much time to post about the most substantial thing to happen to me in a good, long while. Yes, that's right - I am in a relationship. The Blexican (should I still call him that?) asked me if I was his girlfriend on Sunday night after I cooked for him and I actually said yes. It's Facebook official (God, I hate Facebook even more than I usually do) and my parents know and it's out there and real.

The verdict: I'm not as terrified as I thought I would be. Although, I'm still pretty terrified. Relationships scare me and I find them weird. I took the whole of Sunday night to repeat the word 'boyfriend' aloud as I sat doing work. "My boyfriend and I," "Well, my boyfriend said," "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." I must've sounded like a proper idiot, but when you've never had something and then you have it, it's strange.

I think this whole process - the dating and the subsequent relationship - have really made me think about myself. The fact is, being single has become a defining part of my identity. Having it taken away from me (even if it's by an incredibly sweet, wonderful guy) is scary. It's like if someone called me tomorrow and told me I wasn't black. It just throws me for a loop. I think that's the thing that so many of my friends don't understand. My singleness is a huge part of my life. It's something I've guarded, treasured, and grown accustomed to. I like being able to do whatever I want. I like not having to weight my boyfriend against my friends on a given night. I like going on trips solo without checking in with someone else. I tend to live my life on the seat of my pants and being single has allowed me the freedom to make monumental decisions without checking in with anyone else. If I want to move cross-country 3 times in 3 years, I can do it and it doesn't matter.

This is new territory for me, having to think about someone else's feelings and incorporate them into my plans. Like, obviously I should invite him to my company's holiday party (check. done.). But what about my New Years plans with my friends - am I obligated to invite him? It's this kind of stuff that kills me. I'm just not sure what to do. I mean, I'm excited in a way to have someone now, but to be honest, I've never really craved the attentions of a man in the 'boyfriend' sense so I alternate between being happy and being 'meh' about the whole thing. I think it'll just take some time for me to get used to it. And since I like him and think he's really awesome, I want to try harder to make this thing work. I'll be sure to keep you all posted along the way...

30 days of Truth: Day 27

Day 27: What's the best thing going for you right now?

I think the best thing I have going for me is my dedication to creating the life I want. The fact that I don't resist change, but embrace it wholeheartedly. That I'm always working on myself, no matter what. That I refuse to be stagnant. I am always trying to move forward and that's what has helped me get as far as I have already. I know I have more work to do to create the life I want, but I'm not afraid of the work and I'm ready to get started.

30 Days of Truth: Day 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up life? If so, when and why?

As I mentioned in Day 25, I was super depressed in my preteen years, back in middle school. I definitely contemplated suicide and for a period of about 6 months or so, I cut myself on a regular basis. This is something I never really share broadly and I struggled with whether or not I wanted to write about it here, but this is 30 Days of Truth and not 30 Days of Half-Truths. I guess I just felt lonely and I had so much trouble with my parents - it was like we fought all the time. I hung out with kids who liked to do bad things and it wasn't really what I wanted for myself. I got in trouble in school - something that rarely ever happened to me - and I was just in a bad place. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and so I just retreated into myself. The cutting just kind of happened accidentally. It never really escalated to a point where I was concerned, but it certainly wasn't a high point in my life.

As I mentioned before, faith in God really got me out of it. Believing in something higher than myself gave me the courage I needed to turn things around. I made new friends (the vast majority of which I still talk to today), I repaired my relationship with my parents, and I continued to excel in school and athletics. I was able to fix things and the experience taught me that in the future instead of hurting myself, I should look at what was wrong in my life and go about proactively changing it. That being said, I wish I would've had the courage to talk to a professional to make sure that everything was okay, but luckily it all worked out and I was able to push through. I would encourage anyone reading this who is contemplating hurting themselves to find someone to talk to - a counselor, professor, psychologist, etc. - because sometimes the problem isn't something you can't solve alone.

30 Days of Truth: Day 25

Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today.

This might be shocking to most of you, but I believe the reason I'm still alive today is because of God and faith. There have been a few dark times in my life and the most vivid one was when I was a teenager, growing up in my parents house and hating the world. I had many dark thoughts then, but I was also going through my confirmation at the time. I decided to read the entire New Testament and try to renew my faith in God. I can't really explain what happened to me, but I basically grew closer in my relationship to a power greater than myself and this faith propels me even today. I believe that the Universe has always looked out for me. I was an unwanted bastard child born to an unwed 16 year old girl - God found me a home with two wonderful parents who gave me everything I could ever dream of. I've made excellent friends, gone to a good school, snagged a good job, and have achieved a level of independence I never thought possible. I see God in all of these wonderful things and I trust that God will lead me where I need to go. So even though I don't go to church anymore, I will always believe in a Divine Power that watches over me and I believe that's why I'm still alive today.

30 Days of Truth: Day 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

I've decided to copy C and make this playlist for any man who wants to successfully date me.

Meredith Brooks "Bitch"

I don't even know if I need to explain this, but it's like this song was made for me. I'm difficult - notoriously so - and I may be slightly neurotic and not as outwardly emotional as your average woman, but this is who I am. Take it or leave it.

Alanis Morissette "Head Over Feet"

"You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that." This is what I imagine it will be like if and when I fall in love - reluctantly but completely.

Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical"

Ridiculous? Yes. Cheesy? Definitely. I still love it and it reminds me of all the third and fourth dates I've gone on where nothing has happened. If you want to be with me, the physical is SO important. I'm not saying you have to be a porn star, but you're gonna have to take the lead and kiss me. I like men who are sexually aggressive, so bring it.

Beyonce "Upgrade You"
If there's one thing I am, it's upwardly mobile. I want my relationship to reflect that. Any man that I'm with, I'm gonna support him and try to make him the best he can be. I hope that he'd do the same for me. Two words: power couple.


Billie Holiday "The Very Thought of You"
I love Billie Holiday to death. I find this song to be so sweet. On the rare occasion that I'm besotted with someone, this is what it's like. I just think of them and can't focus on anything else. It's one of my favorite feelings in the world.


Jekyll & Hyde "Take Me As I Am"
No playlist of mine is free of showtunes. I love this song because it really sums up everything I want from a partner - you take me for who I am and I'll do the same thing for you. No changing each other - just complete and total acceptance, flaws and all.


Coldplay "Fix You"
This is a side of me that most people don't get to see, but when I really like a guy, I love it when he's there to help me solve my problems. When I hear this song (that Chris Martin wrote for Gwyneth Paltrow when her father died), it just makes me melt. I want someone to want to be there or me in that way. To help me with anything and fix me when I need it.


Dido "Hunter"
This is a break-up song, but I think it describes me to a tee. The thing is, I'm always going to want to "be a hunter again." I'm never going to be comfortable with your standard relationship and there's going to be a part of me that wants to roam and be independent. If you want to be with me, you're going to have to be comfortable with that side of me and give me room to be myself, even when that means I want to be alone. I never cheat and I'm insanely loyal, but I need space. Respect that.

Lady Gaga "Pokerface"
My typical stance in relationships - "I won't tell you that I love you / Kiss or hug you / Cuz I'm bluffin with my muffin"


The Lonely Island "Jizz In My Pants"
Why on earth would anyone include a song like this on a playlist for their future man? Basically, I like to laugh - a lot. I also have a dirty sense of humor. If you don't like either of those things, it ain't gonna work. I think this song can give any potential man an idea of what I think is funny and will probably prepare them for the absolutely ridiculous things that will come out of my mouth.

30 Days of Truth: Day 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

This one is easy for me - I wish I had spent some time abroad. I was planning to apply for programs for my junior year, but sophomore year was brutal for me. I hated everything and wasn't happy and had just started to put into motion the plan that was going to make my life better - joining a sorority, throwing myself into theatre. So I scrapped the application because I knew it just wasn't the right time for me. I didn't want to improve things only to leave them. 

I like to think I'm a pretty educated, intelligent girl, but I'm not worldly in the sense of travel. I have friends from all different ethnicities and backgrounds and know a lot about different cultures, but I've never really been out of the United States. I went to Germany when I was 5 and I made one trip to Canada for Spring Break in college - I don't even know if those experiences should count. I'm not really sure if my life is in a place right now where I could spend any long-term time abroad, but I hope I at least get to travel and see some new places, even if it's just for a week or two. 

i'm back!

Hi friends! So, I'm hoping to get back to a regular posting schedule about my regular topics. I'm really enjoying exploring this whole relationship thing - it's invigorating and interesting. In other news, I also have major news on the work front, but I can't share it right now, so rawr! Instead, this is what I can talk about in my life.

The Blexican is coming over tomorrow night and I'm excited. I actually miss him. I think this whole 'him working til 1:30am Tues-Thurs' thing makes it easier for me to want to be with him. I need a little distance in my relationships to help them grow and his schedule allows me to have that. Not only that, he seems extremely supportive of my right to have my own life. I've never really been with anyone like that - at least not anyone that wanted to be with me. Sure, when you're hooking up with guys they don't care about that stuff because they just want sex. But, he seems to really want to be with me and yet he's totally down with the fact that I go on trips without him and that some nights I can't hang out because I wanna do my own thing. I like it. I'm not opposed to relationships at all, but I know that the relationship that I want is something unconventional and tailored to fit my own personal neuroses and he seems to be down for it. I don't want to be a 'we' couple - that's just not me. Most of it is trust - I don't trust anyone. Relationships, friendships, etc are fleeting and so I am always ready to walk away at a moment's notice, but I feel more trust for him than I have for anyone thus far. So, to show him my appreciation for being so sweet, I'm going to make him dinner on Sunday night. I'm excited and terrified. Additionally, if you want to see the most awkward thing in your life, watch me try to write an endearing text message. I don't know why, but I can't use things like 'sweetie or baby' without throwing up a little in my mouth. Then when I decided to use 'hun' instead, he made fun of me. Jesus, take the wheel - I need relationship help.

Anyway, since I'm doing all this soul-searching and whatnot, I've decided that this weekend we're going to have the Talk. Not necessarily the 'I wanna be your girlfriend' talk, but more like I want to know what he thinks of me, if he's seeing other girls (I'd bet my right arm he isn't, but I want to ask anyway), and where he thinks this can go.  I don't need some kind of crazy commitment right now, but I know myself - I avoid things that make me uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable and so I need to just do it. I don't think I can really explain to you all how nervous relationships make me. I've always been single - ALWAYS - and it's been a huge part of me. Giving it up feels sad, almost. I just want to make sure I do this right. When you're happy with yourself and you love yourself and you love being alone, it's hard to let someone into that without feeling a little nervous. I enjoy my lifestyle and changing it is going to be rough. But, I think I may have found someone that will let me be me and that's more valuable than anything else. Wish me luck!

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

This one is really difficult because I believe every action you take in your life puts you on a path towards something and so even if you can't see it in the present, it doesn't mean that it's not a positive in some way. That being said, I think I'm going to list the one sexual experience that truly made me feel disgusting. I hooked up with this really not attractive guy in the Bahamas in a moment of weakness and I wish I hadn't have done it. It was spring break and I was on vacation with MB and we were at this club. I wasn't even drunk or attracted to him - I was just bored, which is no reason to do anything. I stupidly went off with him to this abandoned doctor's office place and it was just bad news bears. I'm lucky that he didn't force me to do something I didn't want to or that he didn't chop me up into little pieces. It was stupid and senseless and I really shouldn't have done it. I'm all about sex positivity and doing what you feel like sexually, but I didn't even have a strong desire to hook up with him - I kind of just went with the flow. 

A few years have passed since that happened, and I've learned a lot more about taking control of my sexuality in a way that feels healthy and safe to me. Oh, I also learned not to give my phone number out to strange men I don't like because homeboy called me for MONTHS afterwards, promising to fly me back out to the Bahamas. Yeah... lesson learned.

long time, no chat.

Arg - I feel like I haven't written anything substantial in a while. Mostly because I'm avoiding the whole 'being viewed as a horrible shrew' thing. I still can't really blog about it without upsetting myself, which is why I wrote about 8 million snarky things and then promptly deleted them. It should be a full-time job to be this bitchy. I'm getting over it, though. Slowly but surely. I guess I should stop caring what the world thinks of me. I've always done me, regardless of anything, so I suppose I'll just keep on keepin' on. Although, if one more person mentions the 'plight of the single black woman' I might resort to murder/suicide. Especially if that person is not a black woman. I just sent College BFF an angry email about some article I saw this morning. God, I'm glad to have her in my life - I would go stir crazy without her.

I have a few posts I want to write about my budding relationship and my views on it and how it is for me to date in a serious way. Look out for it this week!

In other news, I'm getting super excited about next week. I'm going home to NYC/Long Island for two weeks. I'm going to eat warm bagels, delicious pizza, and maybe even a knish. I'm going to party like a crazy woman with my friends - thank God for bars that stay open til 5am. I even have Mocksgiving plans with the Law School Ladies and the NYC MCMers, in addition to the glorious premiere of Harry Potter. Did I also mention I get to see Cubemate and Gremlin again?! Yay!!! I'm so stoked - you have no idea. I also am going to go sari shopping with Slindy for (former) boy roomie's Indian wedding! I want hot pink! I have so many plans I can barely contain myself. I might run myself into the ground if I don't get some rest.

The next week is a whirlwind of social stuff - MB's birthday dinner tonight at an amazing soul food restaurant, Friday night in with the Blexican, Saturday - Mad Men/Nopalito date and clubbing, Sunday - 49ers game and then I'm cooking the Blexican dinner. Exciting! I'm never ever going to get anything done, though, but it feels nice to be so settled here. I can't even begin to explain to you how shocked I am that I've been here for only two months and it feels like home. It's truly amazing =)

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This one is a no-brainer - I would go and run to my friend. I've said this a million times, but my friends are the most important people in my life. I would never let anything like a stupid fight get in the way of supporting them, especially if they were hurt. I'd be at the hospital praying and if I couldn't get there, then I'd be on the phone with their parents making sure everything was okay and doing whatever I could for them. There are a lot of horrible things people can (and have) said about me - but no one can ever accuse me of being a shitty friend.

vegas weekend!

This weekend was amazing! I've officially changed my stance on Vegas and I now love it. Cannot wait to go back!

Got in around 3pm and showered and got all cute. Met up with the rest of the group at the bar (I think we were a grand total of 13 folks - mostly kids from my college and then a few engineer kids) for 99 cent margaritas. Spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with MB and chattering about life. Then an epic 7.99 steak dinner at Ellis Island. I seriously love that place - it's this little seedy casino where everything is super cheap, but shockingly good. I can't remember too much of the rest of the night, but I remember being lame and going to sleep early.

Sunday was the usual craziness - I was drunk all fucking day. Champagne brunch was glorious, followed by the Bacardi pavilion (it's not called that, I just like referring to it that way). Lots of rum drinks were followed by the ridiculous decision to go to Serendipity 3 for ice cream. Except, I was insanely hungry and drunk and stupid, which meant between me and MB, we ordered french fries, garlic bread, a peanut butter sundae, and macaroni and cheese. I don't think I need to tell you that my stomach fucking HATED me the rest of the evening. I was so lucky I didn't boot especially since I also had my period at the time. Epic food fail. Thai dinner (mistake as I could barely move, much less eat Thai food) was followed by a night out clubbing.

The first club. Oh Lord, I wish I would've taken pictures. It was this free little nightclub in Caesar's Palace and literally the median age when we got there was probably 62 -- and that's being generous. It was just a clusterfuck of old people, but I had the best time people watching. They did play Lady Gaga for me. Eventually the three of us (it was me, MB, and Ace) decided to just pony up and go to a real club, so we hit up Pure. It was amazing. I have to go back - music was phenomenal, the crowd was age appropriate and it wasn't too crowded. Two long island iced teas later and I was feeling good. My friends did ditch me on the dance floor and I was left alone for a bit, but I found a cute gay man to occupy my time. Seriously - gay men LOVE me. It's ridick. After the club, we met back up with the rest of the group, did shots, and then MB and I had steak dinner with the boys. Trips like this always remind me that I'm so not a real girl. I always end up fitting into the "one of the boys" role in most of my friendships. I enjoy it =)

So yeah, that was Vegas in a nutshell. I was hungover as fuck yesterday, so The Blexican came over and brought me Mexican food and snuggled with me while I looked like shit in my PJs and glasses. As a reward, I'm cooking him dinner on Sunday night. So yay! All is well there.

30 Days of Truth: Day 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Umm, more of them? I'm a pretty big fan of both drugs and alcohol, as I'm sure most of you know - especially alcohol. In the words of my BFF, "I've had a longer relationship with a bottle of vodka than any man I've dated." Alcohol has always been there for me - social lubricant, tension reliever, and party starter all in one. I'm a fan. I'm the ultimate hippie child when it comes to drugs, so I think they should just be legal. If you want to put whatever into your body, go ahead - it's your responsibility to moderate it. I know that's not a popular view, but that's how I feel. I guess, though, that I'm a person who's good with boundaries and so I very rarely take it over the edge. You can ask almost anyone - I handle my alcohol exceptionally well. It's truly a skill. As far as drugs go, I've only really done pot and once I snorted a crushed up oxycodone. I'm not really too interested in drugs, but I'm also not interested in taking them away from people who use them recreationally. Hell, I think the government should profit off it. More money for them, more regulation, and less shadiness associated with drug dealing and distribution. But, hey that's just my opinion.

i need a break from my life right now.

Everything is happening wayyyy too quickly right now and I need a break. I'm busy at work catching up from the conference I've been at for the past two days and I realize I've royally shit the bed on some tasks I've got. I'm also thinking about my future career trajectory and have had a bunch of meetings with different people about where I think my job is going and where I want it to go. Top that off with tons of social events since my work BFF is leaving to go back to NYC AND a trip to Vegas on Saturday and I feel like I'm drowning in life. There's just too much to do and not enough time. Tonight, Blexican and I are going to the movies and then he's going to come stay over so I can cuddle and have a massage - haha. I got my period yesterday and it sucks! Cramps cramps cramps and I can't even get laid. Rawr. I just need some *me* time. I'm looking forward to next Monday, which I'm taking off to tool around the city. I'll write back with tales of Vegas and debauchery at the end of the weekend!

30 Days of Truth: Day 19

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Religion - I have a funny history with religion. When I was younger, I was kind of obsessed with it. I've read the Bible from cover to cover and when I was younger and depressed, religion kind of saved me. However, I've always held unconventional beliefs for a Christian - for example, I believe in reincarnation and I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. My parents were always super cool with my unconventional beliefs - I think they just wanted me to believe in God, everything else was unimportant.

When I grew up, though, I stopped identifying as Christian or going to church. I'm still very spiritual - I believe in God strongly and that phe (God is genderless to me) touches everything I do. I still enjoy going to church on Easter Sunday and I believe in some tenets of Christianity, but in general I do my own thing and hope for the best.

Politics - I am the least political smart person you will ever meet. I just really don't care about politics at all, even though I know I should. I'm definitely more liberal than anything else - I love gays and civil rights and fluffy bunnies and all of that. Fiscally, I don't know anything about anything, so I don't really know what to identify as. I vote when it's important, but that may not be every single election cycle (::shameface::). I think it boils down to the fact that I don't trust politicians, for one. It's a dirty business and even the best of them have to play the game to some extent. To add to that, I'm a person who resists having strong opinions about most things, so I'm easily swayed by political debate. Sometimes I get saddened by the fact that I just don't care and I'm not extremely knowledgeable about the issues, but then I know that it's just not something I'm interested in. I know it's not hip to be apathetic, but I can be sometimes. Sad, but true.

30 Days of Truth: Day 18

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

I am a full-fledged supporter of gay marriage. I think that any two people who love each other should be afforded the same rights, respect, and recognition that heterosexual people receive. It hurts me so much that gay people are treated as 'less than' the rest of us because they have a different sexual orientation. That they can't adopt children or have the same benefits at work. I just think that love is a special, unique thing and when you find it - whether it's with a man or a woman - you should be able to get married.

on writing.

I'm feeling particularly chatty tonight, most likely because I have a ton of work to do and I'm going to be up all night anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog and the writing I do here. What I want this corner of the internet to be. Honestly, I never thought anyone would follow this stuff - outside of my friends, who I figured would read to be polite or just to keep up with what's going on with me. Every time I get a comment from someone I don't know (and also those that I do!), I get really jazzed and it makes me feel good. I sometimes wonder if bearing my soul (and my sex life) on the internet is a wise idea, but I like to think that I'm helping myself get through things, one post at a time, or at least I'm writing something that resonates with someone else. That doesn't mean that it's not difficult to do on a daily basis. It's exhausting sometimes, especially because I'm more vulnerable and I share more here than I do in real life. I hold some unconventional views about life and love and sex and sometimes it's hard to put them out there. I hate the judgment - both real and imagined - but I know it's a part of life.

When I started blogging, I was young and stupid. Seriously, you guys should read some of the shit I wrote - it was awful. But, this blogging thing has evolved into a form of therapy for me and a way to get everything out there. A catalog and chronicle of my neuroses, so to speak. Of course, this means that all my shit is out there front and center for all my blog friends and real life friends to see, and sometimes that's hard for me. But, I have to think about why I'm writing these things down and why they're important to me. It's all about personal growth and honesty. There's times when I want to tear everything down and just start over in a new space and not let anyone know where I've gone. There are other times when I wonder why some people have this link and others don't, and whether or not I want to give more of myself here - pictures and whatnot. I guess it's all stuff I need to think about, but I never want to censor myself. I just want to be me here, but I know things I've written here could hurt people (ahem, TG) and that's not what I want either.

ANYWAY, lately I feel like I've been playing out all my little emotional relationship dramas here and I just don't think I'm coming across the way I want to (which is NOT as an emotionless, love-hating freak who can't just chill out and date normally), so I'm going to stop talking about it until I think I can articulate it the way it needs to be articulated. I'm worried that I'm freaking people out, when the short of it is that I'm still formulating my personal worldview on what role men need to play in my life and whether or not I want a conventional relationship. If you want to read an eloquent write-up of my current state of mind regarding conventional love, you should totally read Lena Chen's 'Do All of Us Need "The One"' piece. She's badass and I love her and she pretty much articulates everything I'm thinking AND she's in a relationship so you can't knock her as an always single chick. Instead, she's just a girl thinking about gender roles and expectations in a fresh way. I like it. So, I'll make some mention of The Blexican in a general way as things go on, but I'm gonna stick to keeping my inner turmoil in my diary for a little while, if that's okay. I need to stop thinking about this shit in general and just live. My favorite red-headed sorority sister always told me I analyze things too much and she's 100% correct. So that's my little experiment for now. Don't worry, I'm still going to be posting lots of insanely personal shit, but I'm going to dial back a bit on the relationship stuff until I've sorted out in my own head. Plus, perhaps someday, I'll want to give a guy I'm dating this link without him thinking I'm a emotionally stunted crackhead. I don't need to air out all my dirty laundry all the time, especially my repetitive dirty laundry.

In other news, 3 days til Vegas shenanigans! Expect lots on that!