i love/hate birthdays.

Birthdays are super-stressful for me - I'm always afraid that no one will come or that it'll suck. Not gonna lie, last night was kind of awkward at the start, but as it rolled on it got better and better. I stayed out until almost 4 am, which is huge for me. Normally, I'm a really big homebody, so it was nice to get out - get back to my former self.

Went out to dinner with Jamz and Slind - Italian food. Then we headed over to Forum to scope the place out. It has definitely changed since we went there in February. The place ended up getting ridiculously packed, but I had a fairly decent turnout of friends and it was nice to see people I hadn't seen in forever. After the crowd got unbearable, we peaced out and went to another bar to dance the night away. That place was much more our speed - lots of colored folks and great music. Met up with some more kids from college and had a really good time. Saw people I hadn't seen in years, which was amazing. I didn't get ridiculously drunk or inappropriate and a good time was had by all. Now that that source of stress is gone, I can focus on my job and the stress that will bring.

California in 5 days. Holy shit! So much to do before I fly out...

tonight = party night.

Tonight's my birthday party - ugh. HAHA. I'm just slightly stressed over it and it feels silly since I turned 24 on Tuesday. I am excited to hang out with my friends, though. Thank God the LSAT is today and I'll get two of my friends back, which I'm looking forward to. I'm slowly adjusting to my new lack of hair. It'll be super easy to take care of, but I'm hoping it grows like a motherfucking weed. That way I can play around with it. I think I'm doing the right thing, though. Learning how to work with my own natural hair. It's really sad that I know nothing about that. Oh, to be a black woman in America.

ANYWAY. So much to do today - the thing about having no hair, you really need to glam it up otherwise you look a little masculine. So I need makeup because I currently own one tube of mascara and one tube of lip gloss. Jewelry is a little lacking, too. Plus, I need an outfit for tonight or I need to try on all of my repeats to figure something out. Also, the eyebrows and nails. UGH. So much to do. I should get off my ass, stop watching Dexter, and head out.

Peace!

i just cut off my hair.

It is less than an inch short. Can you believe it? I can't. I'm still in awe. Work peeps like it a lot and say it brings out my cheekbones. I say I'm not wearing pants for a year until it grows out long enough that I don't get called sir. HAHA. Also, my skin has to be on point for a while since all you see is my FACE. Did I also mention that I'm not going to eat anymore so I can lose weight and not look like a pudgy man?

All in all, though - I like it. With a nice pair of earrings and some makeup, I think I could even be considered pretty. Yay?!

time is ticking.

I cannot believe I'm leaving for California in a week and a day. There's still so much to take care of. I have my birthday get-together on Saturday night, I still have to get a dress for that night and another one for my friend's wedding. I have to pack and pay rent and prepare for being gone for 3 1/2 weeks. Holy shit!

Work is going nuts now, too. We're super-busy and that's only going to continue until November when I'm back in NYC. I'm hoping to get a lot done when I come back and really ramp up my involvement in certain projects I've been looking at.

I had a crazy impulsive thought today. That I didn't want to go to law school and instead I wanted to be a sex therapist. I love how impulsive and crazy I can be at times. My mind works in mysterious ways. Who knows if I'll ever just pick something and stick with it. Anyway, I'm still applying to law school because I'm not completely crazy - I just have these thoughts.

Okay, back to work. I'm slacking.

i can't believe how much of a slacker i've been.

I have been doing really poorly about keeping up with my internet presence. I'm tweeting less, leaving e-mails unanswered, not checking in to foursquare or updating this thing. This is probably the first birthday where I didn't offer any kind of reflection about my life (my birthday was yesterday). I guess I just needed a break. Work is heating up, but I'm also very conflicted about my job and my life right now and what I want to be doing with myself. I wish we lived in an age where I had the financial freedom to go off and take risks and do something crazy. We don't, though, so I can't. Instead I can dream of a potential future happiness that I believe will eventually come.

I went to New Hampshire this past weekend and it was beautiful. Fall was in full swing out there - the leaves were changing and there was a crisp chill in the air. I didn't really do anything. I slept for 16 hours the first night (5pm - 9am - holy shit!) and then the next day I took a drive out to Dartmouth, a campus I've always loved. I bummed around, hanging out in the bookstore, on the green, and eating at a local bar. Sometimes it's really nice to just spend time with yourself. I live in one of the biggest cities in the world - there are always people around, there's never a quiet moment. I got to really sit with myself and do nothing. I drove a ton, read lots of books, and ruminated on my life. I got rid of three issues that had been zapping my energy and stressing me out - namely my birthday, my hair, and my performance reviews for work. It was nice to have time to think and breathe and to prove to myself that I don't need to be surrounded by other people to feel content.

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. It was truly a nice day - I got up at a decent time, put on a sexy new outfit, and headed to work. The work girls bought cupcakes and we had a little chat session in my room - they even had a card! Lots of calls and Facebook messages and texts from friends and family members. I had a last-minute little dinner with my old cubemates, my roomie, Slind, and a friend from high school. It was low-key and exactly what I wanted. Cute wine bar/pizza place/Venezuelan restaurant. Delicious. Good food, good company, good times! I'm starting to feel older, but it hasn't really sunk in yet. I felt old while I was at Dartmouth, listening to college kids talk about parties and hookups and classes. I miss my youth sometimes, but I like to think that the best is yet to come.

back from my weekend in the wilderness!

I'm back in NYC - it definitely feels good to be back, but I loved being out there in the quiet. It was so beautiful out there and I was really able to clear my head. I don't really have the time to write a proper entry, but I will say I fixed three major things that have been bothering me. I finished my performance reviews for my job, I finalized my hair plans, and I have my birthday plans in place. Mission: More Than Accomplished. Yay!

More tomorrow.

off the new hampshire!

Tomorrow, I'm taking a nice little loner vacation to New Hampshire. It looks like the weather is going to be wonderfully fall-like and I'm hoping that the scenery is beautiful. I'm really looking forward to doing some driving (need to practice for California), getting some spa treatments done, and wandering around taking walks. Clear my head a little bit and get away from work. I'm really hoping I return rested and recharged and ready for action! What kind of action, I have absolutely no idea, but maybe I'll get some perspective while I'm up there. Anyway, I'm behind on my list. Time to get cracking. Tons to do before my 8:30 am train from Penn Station.

i'm really ready for my vacation.

Work is killing me right now - I'm excited for my 3 day weekend. I'm hoping that going away by myself will be a good thing. Three days in New Hampshire - watching the leaves, farmers markets, staying away from the internet. I rarely have time to just be alone with my own thoughts. I know that sounds creepy, but I think it's what I need right now. Time to think and process. Maybe even do some work on my law school applications.

I'm in this weird in-between phase with everything right now. My job, my love life, my hair. Everything is transitioning and it's really scary sometimes. There are days when I want nothing more than the simple life I had as a kid. I figure the only way to recreate that is to have my own family, but I know that it's not that easy. Being a mother in a family is different than being a child. Yet, I crave some kind of stability. Instead I'm living erratically, but I guess that's what happens in your twenties. At least nowadays. I just have to get used to the uncertainties.

24 in 7.

I'm kind of an emotional wreck today. It's really annoying. I just keep thinking about how old we're getting. Trust me, I'm aware that I'm not "old" - I'm only 23. I still have plenty of time left, but that time is theoretical. Anything can happen to you in the blink of an eye. I, of all people, should know that, and yet when faced with the prospect of mortality I still break down every time. I like to think I'm really strong, but I'm so weak emotionally. I'm desperately trying not to lose my shit at work but I've cried a little bit today over things I'd rather not talk about.

Today I was thinking about Patrick Swayze's death and how much I loved him when I was a child. All the memories of watching movies with my parents came flooding back. Life was so simple, then. You had your family and some friends from school, but everything felt stable and secure. Nothing is really like that anymore. It's hard growing up. I'm going to be 24 years old in 7 days. I don't know if I'm ready.

too much to do this week.

Work is eating me alive. I'm seriously dying. I just feel like I'm not on top of my shit and I don't know why. Maybe I really just don't care anymore or maybe there's just too much to do. I'm losing motivation and it sucks. I'm not really sure what to do about it - these next couple of months are going to be rough, but then after that things should settle down. Maybe I'll start to care more and I won't feel like I'm just going through the motions slowly. I need to get my mojo back somehow. I was hoping this week would do it, but I'm already far behind. It's a pain in the ass. A colossal one.

At least I'm taking Friday off for a weekend by myself in New Hampshire. I'm seriously ecstatic - cannot wait to just get out of the city, stay in a cute B&B on a lake and enjoy the leaves changing and the fall weather. This is my favorite time of year to be in the Northeast. I can't wait to enjoy it. Maybe over the weekend I can muster up some excitement about my job. Maybe.

maybe october won't suck so much after all.

So, Tech Guy. Story of my life - the back and forth with him. We spent about three hours talking online, sharing music and chatting about life on Friday night. I miss him a lot. I think the thing I like the most about TG is how caring and accommodating he can be with me. I like when he sends me links and stories that he thinks I'll like or he asks me what music I like and then goes out and gets it for me. I remember when I was sick and losing a lot of weight, he was super-concerned about it and constantly tried to get me to eat. I miss that most about him - letting him take care of me, letting him do things for me. I have a real problem with letting people do things for me, especially men. I don't know if it's how I was raised or a cultural thing, but I just don't like it. With him, it's different, though. I like when he offers to do the things I want to do when we visit each other, or when he asks me what movies and music he can get for me. Or if we're out in public and he puts his arm around me. I miss all of that.

He told me he wasn't seeing anyone now and that he hasn't been with anyone since me. I was secretly pleased by that. He said it was partly by choice and partly because there was no one. I really hope the next two weeks pass without him meeting some wonderful girl that he falls for. He told me some really personal things about our relationship and what he thinks of me. They made me smile. I think I'm going to ask him if I can spend my first weekend in CA with him and see what he says. I need to do something about this spinelessness of mine. I'm always afraid to ask him for things, even when they are things I know he would do for me.

We shall see.

new york is beautiful.

New York City can be so amazing sometimes. I think I'm starting to fall back in love with it. I don't necessarily want to stay here, especially not being the broke law school student I'm going to be soon. I had a really nice night last night - went out with the work girls to Ara Wine Bar and had a fabulous gin cocktail and a nice glass of Riesling. I miss wine bars and going out and being social. I feel like my social life has come to a grinding halt and it's bad. I'm not unhappy or depressed or anything, I just don't really do anything most evenings. That needs to change. Of course, work is ramping up and I'll be in California for the most of next month, so it's not like I really have time for all of this, but I'd like things to pick up considerably when I return.

Anyway, after drinks, went out with my roommate and another girl from work for dinner at Fig + Olive. OMG, it was so fucking good. Filet mignon, chive mashed potatoes, salad with the best dressing I've ever tasted, and a fabulous mint julep. Also, the olive oil there was fabulous. It makes me want to eat decadent dinners every evening, except for the fact that I'm majorly broke right now. I don't know how I got into this slump, but this weekend I need to take a long hard look at my finances and figure shit out. Luckily California will be ridiculously cheap - all meals eaten for free at work, no time to socialize. I am considering going to Vegas with my CA friends while I'm out there, but as I don't gamble, I think I'll be fine. Plus, with my 16 hour days, I'm going to be making some serious bank. Enough to splurge.

Anyhow, this weekend is ridiculous - I should get going! Remind me to post about TG later. More developments!

a new yorker, always.

September 11th is the one day that never fails to remind me that I am a New Yorker. I'm reminded even more of that fact now that I live a stone's throw away from Ground Zero. Waking up today, in the financial district, and remembering what day it was made me cry. The first time the 'Toto, you're not in Kansas anymore' feeling hit me during my time in California was on 9/11. No one did or said anything. To most people, it was just another day. At that moment, I realized that while everything changed that day, it just didn't carry the same significance for some people as it did for those of us from the Northeast. It was sad.

I'm glad to be in New York on this day. It's a somber, emotional day for most of my friends, as we recall where we were that day and the fear that gripped us for our loved ones who worked down on Wall Street. I feel strongly connected to people today, which is rare in a city where you're encouraged to ignore everyone around you and keep to yourself. There's a shared remembrance on this day and I appreciate it.

Never forget.

j-j-jaded!

I like to think of my life as a struggle between my two natures. I've found myself to be a very hard person to peg. I have all of these interests and desires that seem to clash with one another so I'm basically a walking contradiction. I often think that my whole California vs. New York dilemma is a metaphor for some of the issues I struggle with when I think about the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to become.

Lately, I've become quite jaded about certain things and it's worrisome. I've always told myself that I belong in NYC because of my cynical, sarcastic nature. I'm a huge fan of snark and I love fast-paced living and I like hustle and bustle and activity. However, I also feel like NYC is making me a more negative person and I don't know if I like that. While I can be kind of bitchy sometimes, there are so many hippie-ish  aspects of my personality that I love. I'm constantly attracted the idea of clean, bright, open living. Really taking time to enjoy the space you're in - instead of being herded like cattle from one place to the other. I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. 

I'm concerned that I'm starting to develop an unhealthy disinterest in men. This worries me. I almost wish I was developing an interest in women because then at least I'd feel like a sexual being. Now I just feel empty when it comes to relationships. I'm trying to decide if that's healthy or unhealthy. On the one hand, I hate the fact that as a young, single twenty-something woman, I'm supposed to be obsessed and stressed over my single status. The fact that I'm not reassures me that I'm not falling into the trap of dating for dating's sake or putting up with bullshit men just to have something to curl up to at night. On the other hand, I don't think I should shudder at the thought of dating someone or getting intimate with a new man. The thought of kissing someone new or spending time getting to know someone makes me want to vomit. I guess, I'm just frightened that this disinterest won't pass and that I'll always be this jaded about love.

this could be fun!

Since I seem to be a magnet for all kinds of foolishness, I've decided to put these men on blast whenever they send me bullshit e-mails. I'm on this website, Meetup.com, which is like a networking site where you can join groups of people that have similar interests. This is how I found my feminist book club/activism group, as well as the Girls in Technology group. I really like it because you can browse by city and interest and find meetups in your local area. What I hate about it are the ridiculous men on the site who use it as some kind of dating database (which is not what the site is for). Here's a sample of some e-mails I've gotten in the past couple of weeks:

"I noticed your profile and was quite eye-opened.  Techy and Sexxxy (you!), is such an irresistable draw.  I wouldn't mind getting to know you offline or via another site." 

Wow, I'm sexy with 3xs. I must've really turned you on! I'm glad you're so eye-opened (is that even a fucking word?!?). Can somebody please tell me what he means by getting to know him via another site? Is he trying to find out if I run my own webcam site? Does he want me to set up a webcam site? Or does he want a strictly virtual relationship? I'm confused. PASS.

"I came across your profile in the movie meetup.  Very cute picture.  I see you are from [town on Long Island].  I grew up in [other town on Long Island]. Anyway, I'd love to know more about you, and if you'd like to know about me too, feel free to write."

I wish I could show you the picture that went along with this one. Seriously, he looked straight out of the serial killer hall of fame. I almost shut my account down after that one. No, Stu, I do not want to "know about you, too" - I want to know how to get creepsters like you to leave me alone.

And with that I think I'm going to put a picture of a fucking cat up on the meetup site because this shit is starting to wear me out.

Stay tuned for more posts...

shake it up!

I'm starting to dread this whole California trip. I just feel like it's an unnecessary shakeup in my life and it's going to be sucky to be gone for 3.5 weeks. I'm going to miss the prime fall foliage - my favorite time of year. No chance to pick apples or pumpkins. I'm just hoping that when I come back at the end of October, it's not freezing or snowing. I also know that my job is going to be bananas during that time and it's not going to be fun. I'm going to be working like a dog and probably won't have much time for social outings. Phooey. 

The wedding will be nice, though. I've never been to a friend's wedding and I'm looking forward to it. No idea what to wear and I hope I'm pretty by then. Lately, I've felt so gross since my hair is nuts and I haven't been working out as much. I'm hoping to fix all of those things before we go, though. Decided to put my hair in braids for a month or two while I get comfortable with the idea of looking like a less-hot version of Amber Rose for a few months. It takes a tremendous amount of confidence to have an inch of hair on your head. I'm not there yet. Hopefully I can get another inch or two by November. 

I also really want to get involved with this Girls in Technology group, but being gone in October will kind of cut that short a little bit. Oh, well. I'll be back in November and I don't anticipate another trip out to CA until April. I'm just getting ready to really shake things up in my life. New hair, new lifestyle, new goals and plans. I need to keep moving forward.

i really want to move.

I feel like I have this crazy wanderlust, where I want to move every 8 months. It's probably unhealthy, but I'm going to go with it because I'm young, unattached, and childless, so why not move? There's a part of me that would love to do something overseas, but I don't think that's in the cards for me in this lifetime. Perhaps a long vacation, but I don't really think I'll ever move overseas and live there for any extended amount of time.

So right now I'm plotting my next move. I have no idea where to. I have crazy ideas every day and I'm not sure where they'll take me. I've been thinking about Texas - either Austin or Houston, because it seems like it would be immensely different from anywhere else I've ever lived. Then there's moving back to the Bay Area, which I think would make me happy, but which I also want to think carefully about because I've already lived there so what's the big rush to go back? I got a brochure from U Michigan law school today and it made me think that maybe taking the trek over to Michigan could be worth it. I might as well apply, since they waived the fee. Then there's the part of me that's in love with the Northeast and wants to move someplace quaint and New England-y. I've also had secret dreams about Miami, but I'm not thin enough or pretty enough to think that's a good idea - haha.

The problem is there are so many fucking factors to consider. There's the weather - I'm partial to mild weather. I hate heat and I hate cold, which makes a whole bunch of cities I've mentioned a pain in the ass. The Bay Area clearly wins the whole weather war. I also really don't want to be anywhere that is too rural or suburban - I need a city, preferably one with adequate public transportation since I'm too poor to afford a car and I drink far too much to have that be my main source of transport. The one big thing that always gets to me is race. Race is so important to me when I think about moving. I mean, I don't really want to go somewhere where there aren't any black people. SF was rough in that regard. I mean, where do you get your hair done? Is the city racist? Will there be enough dating opportunities? I feel like I'm fine with there being few black people in the area, as long as the white people and other minorities are open to dating, being friends with, and establishing connections with the black people that do exist there. I've been jonesing after Austin for a couple of weeks, but after reading some reviews of the city from a few black people, I'm not sure. Then again, I've always been used to being one of few, so it's not like I'm moving from Compton to Whitesville. I can hold my own in those situations, but that doesn't make it ideal.

Anyway, major soul-searching to be done as I search for my next home. I'm ready for the challenge!

updates on music man.

So I e-mailed the idiot the other day and basically told him that I was done with online dating, due to a bad experience with a crazy boy. I told him that I was living my life like a Catholic nun, swearing off boys until 2010. I figured brutal honesty was the way to go. I also ignored his Facebook friend request, hoping this would make an impression on him. Nope. He e-mailed back, asking me questions about my failed relationship with the crazy boy and telling me about his own life. Then he dropped a postscript saying that his initial e-mail was not a 'nostalgic booty-call' and that he hopes I didn't think that it was. Because I just can't help myself, I e-mailed him back saying that his e-mail had put me off and that I did view it as a booty-call e-mail and was wondering why the hell he'd e-mailed in the first place. We'll see what he has to say.

Men are fucking dumbasses sometimes. Or maybe I'm the dumbass for responding. I'm just too curious for my own good sometimes.

maybe it is possible to be friends?

Lately, TG and I have been having long conversations about important things, which I think is good for us. I think that it's the next step in my whole 'getting over him while also trying to create a friendship' thing. I'm actually quite fascinated by the simplicity of his take on relationships and being friends with people you've dated. I mean, granted, I'm not in his head so I don't know if he gets jealous or what his deal is when he sees his exes with other people, but it strikes me that he's perfectly natural about it. He has this whole 'if it didn't work out, it didn't work out' thing. He's also not quite as emotional as I am, so that probably makes him a bit more grounded.

I guess it's just a process - being friends with someone you still care about. I'm pretty much just trying to direct my feelings toward him into the realm of friendship territory. I don't think we belong together, especially not now and it's not like I think he's the love of my life or anything, so I just have to keep that in mind and not let other factors (i.e. sex, intimacy, the fact that we know each other well) cloud things. I will never understand how relationships can be so complicated. I have a bunch of straight male friends whom I've never had the slightest feelings for, then I have others that I've wondered about and thought about seriously, but ultimately decided not to go for for one reason or another. I just don't get how I can be so rational in those situations and then so irrational in this one. Maybe it is the introduction of sex. Sex is a notorious complicator, especially repeat performances. I mean, I certainly have had one night stands that I don't give a shit about, but I fel like everytime you sleep with someone it forms another bond with them.

TG and I talked about our current situations. He even mentioned a girl he was seeing that's getting on his nerves, as well as his crazy night out last night that led to him making out with two forty year-olds on the dancefloor. Oddly enough, I wasn't the least bit perturbed by it (most likely because none of it sounded that positive), but I think it's good that we're getting to a place where we can have those discussions. I told him about Music Man's crazy e-mail/friend request and my own swearing off of men. "Wait - when did I come visit?" he asked, when I told him that I'd made that vow in April. I told him that he didn't count because I'm only giving up sleeping with men that don't give a shit about me. He said that was probably a good policy.

I'm still a little nervous about October, but I'm slowly detaching. Curbing the urge to stalk and obsess about his whereabouts. I mean, we're all going to move on eventually - I need to be conscious of that and recognize it. I just know that we're not done with our friendship yet and I don't want to be. Wow, I'm actually being mature about things. How about that?

More updates on Music Man tomorrow...

i am now convinced that men are crazy.

As most of you know, I've sworn off dating for the past four months and plan to do it for another four months after the horrible time I've had of it in NYC. Outside of sleeping with TG - which I greatly enjoy whenever we're on the same coast - I've been celibate. So here I am, ho-humming along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I get an e-mail from Music Man (see all posts tagged as such). OMG, WTF, seriously?!?! MM and I had a thing in January. We talked for forever, these epic 4 hour IM/texting sessions for a few weeks. Then we finally met up and we hooked up, but no sex. I was so proud of myself for not sleeping with him on the first date and thought everything was going well until he promptly disappeared and got really distant only to come out and tell me (after I practically forced him to) that he was seeing someone else. So, that was that, I was upset moved on. Now 9 months later, he's e-mailing me to see if I'd like to catch up and how my dating life is going. GTFO.

Now I have to figure out where to go from here. I don't want to see him again because he acted like an asshole. Not only that, but the hooking up was only eh. I'm trying to remember it and nothing really stands out, except for the fact that he didn't tell me when he was going to finish and almost ruined my sheets AND that he didn't seem to be too focused on me during the whole thing. It's amazing how being desperate clouds your judgment. Glad I'm over that. Also glad that I'm my bitchy self again. I think it makes life more entertaining =)

So, can I tell him that I've taken a vow of chastity and celibacy? Or maybe I can just tell him that I only sleep with men who give a shit about me when I have my clothes on, too. Or I can just ignore it. I'll sleep on it.

i love fall!

Seriously, I really do. Some people are pissed off about how the weather just changed like *that* in the past two days, but I love the fact that it's no longer hot (not that it was hot for that long). Autumn is one of my favorite seasons - it's my favorite time to go to the beach, my favorite time to sit outside in the park - simply beautiful. Of course, I'm going to miss most of it when I leave for California on Oct 2, but I guess I'll just have to get over it.

I just realized that it's been about 6 months since I dated anyone and I still don't feel even the slightest urge to pick up boys. I'm really proud of myself. Somehow, when I graduated from college, I got into this weird funk where I needed to be in a relationship and everything was boys, boys, boys all the time. I'm glad I seem to have snapped out of that. I don't think it's healthy for me. Not that I necessarily think shunning the dating scene for too long is healthy, but I think every now and then one can use a break.

I'm trying to make the most of this month, but it seems like my motivation only goes so far. I already ate something disgustingly unhealthy (granted it was all I ate today, but that's also not a healthy way to be) and I also know I'm not motivated to do any exercising today. Yet, in the realm of reading and writing - I'm on a roll. My goal is to finish 6 books this month and i'm already halfway through three separate ones that I bought last week. I've been watching tons of history channel specials and listening to informative podcasts while I work. I guess my mind is ready for betterment, but my body is not. Oh well.