reflections on 2009.

Here it is! Time for my annual round-up of the previous year - successes, failures, etc! I really like this time of year, since it's ripe with introspection. I'm a sucker for that. This is probably not the best time for me to write this, as it is snowing and I have the cramps from hell, putting me in a slightly shitty mood. I'll try and put that aside, though, and just dive right in. Tomorrow I'll get to the resolutions.

In 2009, there were five main themes that dominated my life.

1. My evolving relationship with NYC
2. My evolving relationships with my friends
3. Tech Guy (hopefully this is the last year I can say that)
4. Frustration on the job
5. Checking out

So yeah, my second year in Manhattan. This is the longest I've lived anywhere statically, outside of my Long Island childhood home. I'm slowly starting to fall more in love with this city every day. Honestly, I don't think I could live here permanently, but not for lack of wanting to. It's simply just the most expensive endeavor to live comfortably in New York. I pay a ridiculous amount of money for my apartment and while I love it, I don't want to live with roommates forever. Speaking of roommates, I found amazing ones this year that I love dearly. Girl and boy roomie are amazing and we have a wonderful time in our apartment and I think we really are happy. This is definitely one of the healthiest apartments I've lived in, full of trust and love and respect and fun. When we moved out of Stuy Town and into the FiDi, things got infinitely better. First of all, crazy roommate is gone, and second of all, I just love the neighborhood. Manhattan is back in my good graces again! I still haven't explored as much as I should have, but I'm crazy in love with the city and that's how I'll always remember 2009.

Friendships. Another theme of 2009. While I'm still not exactly where I want to be socially, 2009 was a good year, full of connecting with old friends and making new ones. I've met some really amazing people at work that I consider to be good friends (I even got to watch one of them get married this year - my first real wedding!). I kept up with my sorority girls, whom I love dearly. One of my 2009 highlights was spending the weekend in DC with about 5 sisters, catching up and having a fabulous time. There's my rock star roommates, hanging out with the kids from the old alma mater, and then there's my "family." My friends from Long Island are truly my family at this point, in every sense of the word. We love, nurture, laugh at, take care of, and fight each other like family. I love them - there is no one in this world like them and even when they piss me off and make me want to scream, I still wouldn't trade them for anything. When I die, I may not be able to say much about the life I lived on Earth, but I will be able to say that I made some absolutely fabulous friends.

Oh Lord, Tech Guy. What is there to say about him that hasn't been said? He's still in my life, even when I try to ignore him, he still pops up. Let me interrupt this post to say that lately he's been all up in my grill. IMming me, sending me Twitter messages, and then (this is priceless), sending me a text message about my vagina. Yeah, let's think on that for a little bit. So, he was in the airport thinking about nicknames for my vagina. Jesus take the wheel, because at this point I have no idea how to handle this. My life is a fucking soap opera. But, yeah. ANYWAY. TG still dominated 2009 and even though I started last year with a different boy in my bed , I spent most of my sexual energy on Tech Guy. I made four trips to CA and for the three in which he was single, we had sex. Multiple times. Then there was his 24-hour visit to NYC. I just don't know how to quit him, it seems. But, I'm trying. Yes, I am trying my darnedest. Wish me luck in 2010.

My job killed me this year - I've never been this frustrated about work. The pendulum is always swinging - some days I fucking hate that job and then other times I love it. The only thing that remains clear is that I love my company. I think we do amazing, innovating stuff and I work with some of the finest minds on the planet, but I need to get the hell out of HR. I think those three weeks I spent in CA in October were the hardest I've ever worked in my life. I love that I'm getting more responsibility and becoming a truly integral part of the team, but I am not being compensated fairly and my title still reads Coordinator so what the fuck is up with that? If that doesn't change in 2010, I'm going to fucking kill someone. Don't worry, dear reader, not you. =)

My last theme of 2009 is checking out. This year, I really just checked out in a lot of areas in my life. I saw a psychic, who pretty much told me that 2009 was going to suck balls for me and that it wouldn't get better until 2010. She advised me to just keep my head up, watch a lot of comedy films and try not to think about the shittiness of life. So I did that. I stopped dating in April of this year, after the Intellectual screwed me over. I haven't so much as looked at a man who wasn't TG in that time period. I mean, I guess I figured if life was shitty why bring dating (arguably the shittiest pasttime) into things. I checked out in my job, doing tons of searching for new positions and just overall not caring about things. I feel like 2009 was the year I put my life on hold and now I'm ready to get back on the path. It's time for action, doing. That's what I hope for in 2010.

So that's the roundup! Happy New Year's Eve, kids. Be safe, have fun!

random musings.

Some random things that have popped into my head:

1. I love that "Tik Tok" song by Ke$ha. This makes me ashamed of myself as a human being.
2. I really need the perfect dress for New Years. The club we're going to is more of a rock n roll type of place, so I think I need to mix it up from my usual uber-classy minimalist style. I still want to look kind of slutty, though. What?! It's New Years.
3. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow at this fancy natural salon in Brooklyn. I'm really hoping they can do something with it because I'm starting to get frustrated.
4. My love of Criminal Minds has turned into a full-blown addiction. I watch about 3 episodes every single day and I've actually looked up becoming a special agent at the FBI. This is obsessiveness taken to the next level.
5. I still haven't bought tickets for my February trip to California. I don't know why I think that avoiding something means it won't happen. I'm an idiot.

i really love being lazy.

I am totally enjoying my time alone in the apartment. I've done nothing today but read and chat with friends. I made a brief trek out to Borders for new books and magazines, and then a scone at ABP. Laziness becomes me. I'll probably try and be more productive towards the end of the evening, but for now I'm enjoying lounging. Debating what to get for dinner. I always get the same stuff - Chipotle or Subway - which is lame, because restaurants and take-out places are springing up all around the FiDi, so I don't know why I'm not trying any of them out.

I'm doing pretty well on my 'No TG in 2010' resolution. We haven't really spoken in a week - just him sending me short e-mails and articles and my clipped responses back. I'm not allowed to look at his Facebook or his Twitter page (I get his updates, which I skim, but no more direct Twitter stalking) and I'm doing just fine. I don't even have a desire to look. If he's happy and having fun at home, good for him. If he's not, it's none of my damn business. I know that reading things about him or seeing his new prude girlfriend's Facebook comments will make me upset so I just don't read them. I don't actually know if they're boyfriend/girlfriend yet, he just mentioned they were dating and prude is his word not mine, so I swear I'm not being catty =)

The girls and I are thinking about doing a Dating Scavenger hunt. Of course this is College BFF's idea. We have a list of different types of men and the goal is to check off as many as you can. We may make it a bingo-style game. I'm exceedingly excited about this. I like competition and I need to get out more. Today was the first day that I walked down the street thinking maybe I could go back to being the funny, flirtatious girl I used to be. I've never really been good at relationships or anything like that, but when I see a man I like, I can always find a way to get myself into a compromising situation with him. I adore seduction games and my love of alcohol and frank sexual expression usually means that I can captivate a man long enough to make him listen to what I have to say. I miss that part of myself - the fun part. I mean what good is all this knowledge and skill with all things sexual if I'm not sharing it with a partner? It's a damn shame. I've got too much talent to let it go to waste ;)

trying to figure out what i want to do with my life.

I've been combing the job listings at my company for the past hour or so, trying to figure out what sounds appealing to me. These past few months have taught me a few things. First of all, I love my company and don't want to leave it unless I'm pursuing higher education. Secondly, I love tech and want to work in close proximity to it. Thirdly, I may not want to be a lawyer anymore and that's okay.

I'm still incredibly unsure of the future. I haven't ruled law school out, but I'm trying to think of other ways I can be in the tech field without necessarily being a lawyer. Sometimes I wonder if I turned to law for the wrong reasons. I enjoy it, that's definitely true, but at first I wanted to be an entertainment lawyer because I loved theatre but wasn't confident enough to try acting or directing. Now, I love tech and figure I can just be a lawyer in that world since I can't see myself in any other role. Maybe that's the problem - this lack of confidence. I mean, yes, I have no technical background, but there are plenty of ways to engage in the technical sphere without a CS degree and I don't need to drop tons of money on a fancy J.D. degree if that's not what I want. If I can just research other ways to get involved, other options that would use my talents, maybe that's the better investment. I mean, I already have a foot in the door at a very prestigious, well-known company. I could use that to spring from HR to another department.

Then I think about whether I want to go back to school to prolong my adolescence. No more working, being a student again, mingling with other young people in an academic oasis. Not thinking about the responsibilities of a job. Also, there's the bougie factor. Saying you're a doctor or a lawyer holds a lot of cache in certain African-American circles. It's not enough to have an Ivy League education, you need a Master's or a Ph.D or a JD as well. Is that the life I want, though? Or is that the life I think I should want? It's unclear.

For right now, I've decided to do three things. (1) Apply to a few law schools, keep that door open. (2) Look for other careers within the tech sector at my current company (3) do as much research as I can into career paths and job opportunities for someone with my interests and skills. That's pretty much all I can do right now to make sure my bases are covered.

i've realized that i'm at my best when distracted.

One of the best things about being at home is that I really do escape all the realities of modern life. I'm on the computer far less, less interest in Twitter and blogging and whatnot. It's nice to just take long naps, watch lots of television, hang out with my family, and go shopping. I think less about what others are doing with their lives and more about what I want to do with mine. It feels healthy. Also, my parents' newfound love of drinking at all hours of the day really jives with my typical lifestyle.

I think one of the biggest challenges I have in the coming year is to focus on me. I'm not very good at that, and I don't mean that I spend all of my time being altruistic and giving. I just spend time thinking about what other people are doing - in positive and negative ways. On one hand, I worry about my friends constantly. When I think they're not living up to their potential, engaging in harmful behavior, or getting involved in destructive relationships, I can barely focus. I really need to just calm down, let people make their own life choices and chill out. I'm sure I do a multitude of shitty things my friends aren't cool with. Hell, I know I do because I've heard some of the smack some of my friends talk about me.

The negative is that I'm always jealous of other people's lives. I don't even know how to explain it and I don't even know if jealous is the right word. I don't wish anyone ill or anything, it's more like all of my friends have qualities that I wish I had. I don't really have any friends who don't have a quality I wish I had in myself. I'm always trying to figure out how to be more like those people I admire. While I think this is a good thing, I also need to think about the developing the qualities I already have and not trying to fit into an impossible mold.

I need to stop thinking that my social life is 'less than' because it doesn't fit some preconceived notion I had of what twenty-something life should be. I'm not really sure what I want to be doing with myself socially - so I need to figure that out and then I can be disappointed when I don't meet it. Instead, I just get upset for no reason, which I know isn't healthy.

So yes, distractions help me forget about being upset. I'm supposed to go back to my apartment tomorrow, so I should probably think about what I can use there to distract me.

merry christmas to all!

I'm not going to lie - I'm a little happy that Christmas is over. While I love this time of year, especially all the prettiness of New York City, it's stressful as hell. Present-shopping, running around, traveling, trying to get all of your work done before the holidays - it's exhausting. It's been nice being home, though. Not too bad at all. I got some cool gifts: e-reader, tons of jewelry, two purses (one with matching wallet), and some pajamas. I was actually more excited about the presents I gave - Rock Band for my brothers (which we played all morning), a GPS for my mom, and a little netbook for my father. I really felt like they were excellent gifts for each one. Normally I suck at gift buying. To be honest, I still have 3 more gifts to buy - one for my Secret Santa, and then one each for my roommates. Plan on handling that this weekend.

Thinking about January is getting me excited. I'm really looking forward to 2010. The way I see things, it cannot be any worse than 2009. I need to get myself on track and start being a little bit more positive and optimistic. If I don't eradicate TG from my life this year, I will consider it a failure. I'm not saying I don't ever want to speak to him again, but I don't want to care about what he's doing or focus on who he's dating. I want him to be someone I speak to occasionally, via Twitter or gChat, but I don't want to be fixated on him like I often find myself. To that end, I think that means I need to find a new man for 2010. I have some ideas on where to start, we'll see how they go. Then there's working on myself - my body and my looks and all of that. I'm actually a little worried because there's been some stuff going on with me that I think means I need to see a doctor. I need to make sure to take care of all of those things before the end of the month. Then there's law school apps (I'm painfully behind) and the job and figuring out what direction I want my life to take. I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it. But I'll get it done. I usually do. I just need to sit down, make a list, and then focus on checking it all off. It's as simple as that =)

ugh, foul mood.

Everything is pissing me off right now. I just don't understand why everything has to be so fucking complicated. I think I need a time out. Which sucks, because it's supposedly "the most wonderful time of the year" and I am required to be out frolicking with the general public. I don't want to frolic with anyone right now. I just want to be alone. Of course, I'm pulling a sick all nighter tonight - cleaning, packing, laundry-ing (?) and working. FUN.

More on this later, just wanted to voice my general discontent. =P

reflections.

I am fiercely determined to complete all 100 tasks on my incredibly long Sunday list. My life has been kind of topsy-turvy lately. Work has been stressful (understatement of the year) and my room looks like a hovel. So does our kitchen. I need to rectify that today, as well as finally do all of my fucking laundry. I don't think I have a clean winter outfit, so unless I want to traipse around Manhattan in shorts and a tank, I better get my ass to the laundry room.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking and researching this weekend, which is nice. Sometimes I hate doing and would rather spend time inside my own mind. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person I want to become and what matters the most to me. I feel like I'm always chasing the idea of happiness, but haven't put as much thought as I should into what that means. So I just end up blindly throwing myself into situations that I think will yield the desired outcome, and then get upset when that doesn't happen.

Too often, I find myself living for other people. I have a lot of really close relationships and sometimes I take the actions of others too seriously, even if they don't involve me. I need to start focusing on my own actions and let other people live their own lives. I also need to stop caring what people think about the things I do. There are times when I want to share things about myself with the world, but I stop short because I'm afraid of how one or two people will take those revelations. At the end of the day, you can only be who you are. I think by being more open about who I am and the things that matter to me, I will attract more positivity into my life and that will bring me happiness. I just need a plan of action and attack, which I've slowly been forming this weekend.

This is one of my favorite times of year - the end of December, a time for reflection on the past and planning for the future. A time for change.

oh the weather outside is frightful.

Days like today I think I must be cracked to have moved to New York. It is fucking freezing and snow is on the horizon for tomorrow. I hate snow and winter in general. I'm probably living in the wrong place.

I've been incredibly restless lately, thinking about job stuff and law school and dating and the end of the year. My mind is just such a swirl of thoughts. I also need to stop taking everything so personally. I analyze everything and get embarrassed so easily and then I can't focus. It's not cute or healthy and I'm going to drive myself to have an ulcer if I keep it up.

I guess the snow is positive - I can spend time working on law school apps, finally doing my laundry (you should see some of the outfits I've been wearing), cleaning my room and apartment, and enjoying some holiday cocktails. Strategizing. I've been too tired to really do anything productive and work has been taking up a lot of my spare time, so having the break will be nice. I also have done no Christmas shopping, which basically means I'm f-u-c-k-e-d.

Is it January yet?

drinking problems can be useful.

Wow, I think I'm really frustrated with certain aspects of my life right now. I didn't even really realize it until last night. I had a fabulous time at the Black Employees bowling night - everyone was really great and it was nice to meet lots of new people and make new connections. I'm not nearly as active in black groups as I should be, but I think that's going to change starting now. I drank a decent amount and then I went home. Once I got home, though, I just started unloading all my work problems on my roommate (a typical occurrence in our home, on both ends).

I just feel so undervalued and I don't know what to do about it. I'm stressed out as fuck all the time, dreaming about work and getting poor performance reviews (which has never happened to me, so I don't know why I'm dreaming about it). I think I'm starting to lose my focus and motivation because it seems like no matter what I do - good job or no - nothing ever comes of it. So why am I killing myself over this? It's just frustrating. God help me. Last night, all of my feelings just came tumbling out and listening to myself complain I just felt so unhappy. Which sucks, because I'm so used to everything else stressing me out. Normally it's men, or my friends, or the city I'm living in. All of those things are going pretty smoothly now, so of course work issues have to rear their ugly head.

It sucks to be unhappy during a recession. What do you do?

overload.

I'm trying really hard to keep up my work/life balance, because it sucks. Which basically means I'm working myself half to death and still trying my darnedest to go out and be social. I guess I should be working on my work/life/sleep balance.

I currently have plans for Wed, Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I don't know if I like all of this social butterfly-ness. Maybe I'll punk out on some of those things and stay home watching Criminal Minds. I love how the loser in me is constantly warring with the party girl. I wonder what will win out eventually. Tonight it's bowling with the black group at work. I haven't really done anything with them, so it's really important that I go. I definitely need to get more involved with that group. Maybe I can make some more work friends and have a good time. Plus, it's open bar so you know I'm there. Thursday is Planned Parenthood stuff - stoked for that and it's super important for me to keep up my commitments with them. Friday night - Harlem party! Trying to convince Jamz to go with me, but I think I've decided I'm going to go regardless of whether he does or not. I need to get out. Saturday is the Banker's party. Remember him? Haven't seen him in forever. I like going to parties hosted by finance guys because the booze is always better. Haha. So yes, trying to con Tall into going with me if he hasn't left for vacation yet. So we shall see.

On top of that, I got an e-mail from a guy online that I actually think looks pretty interesting. He's cute, super muscular and scruffy. Yum. So I'm going to write back and try and be that witty, charming, flirtatious girl I used to be. Wish me luck!

paranoia, paranoia, everybody's comin' to get me...

I spent the whole entire morning freaking out that I was going to be fired because my boss put this meeting on my calendar with no explanation. Of course, I'm not going to be fired, I'm just going to help out a swamped colleague. I honestly had my stomach in knots, complete full-scale freak-out. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me?! Maybe it's a guilty conscience - I'm always afraid that all the bad things I do are going to catch up with me one of these days. Not that I do anything "bad" at work, but I just worry that my unhappiness is out there for all to see.

I am an idiot. FAIL.

love random comments.

This morning when I walked into work, one of the female security guards flagged me over. She asked me if I was in love. She says I been looking really good lately and my walk and my clothes all suggest that I'm head over heels. I laughed out loud. Completely off base, as I have absolutely 0 men in my life now. It was still nice to feel that at least on the outside, you're looking like everything is peaches and cream.

I am pretty happy right now, though, all things considered. I did something wild last night and I doubt anything will come of it, but it was a little baby step toward the road of happiness. I'll talk more about it if it does turn into something, but I'm trying not to blow things out of proportion. That and every time I talk about anything positive in my life, it immediately blows up in my face, haha. I still haven't started work on the whole dating profile thing. I think it's mostly the fact that I don't want to take any new pictures. I mean, I love my new short hair, but whenever I go home, I'm always scrubbing out in pajamas looking like something the cat dragged in. I did get an awesome shot of me at the holiday party, but I don't have a frickin' scanner. Grr. Why can't I just meet someone organically? Honestly. I just want a man to fall into my lap. I've lost my desire to hunt for one. I'm more than willing to put in the effort to flirt and court a guy and get all dressed up and seduce him, but I hate searching for one. No one has interested me in a while and I haven't had a chance to put my mad seduction skillz to use.

Anyhow, I should be working right now, so let me get on that.

moving on, slowly but surely.

I'm having a pretty decent weekend. Stayed later than normal at work on Friday, and then went home and chilled out with my roommate. Spent the night chatting about our work woes, relationship issues, and all of that. It's nice to have a sounding board sometimes and it makes the apartment feel so nice and homey. We put up Christmas lights! I have absolutely no idea what to get the roomies for Christmas, though. J should be easy, as she is a girl and it's never that difficult for me to find gifts for female friends. No clue what to get S, though. Maybe I'll shoot his girlfriend an e-mail for some ideas.

Saturday, I went shopping with Slind and the law school ladies. Love them. I didn't actually buy anything, but had a fun time meandering around the city, browsing the shops. Then we went to The Smith for drinks and dinner. Got very tipsy over a nice, expensive meal. Drinks there were amazing - I should go back for the bar alone. I really like getting out during the day and hanging out with friends. I'm starting to feel more settled in NYC, like I have more social options. It's the perfect level of interaction. I'm still lacking that permanence that I crave so much, but I think that will come with age and once I realize exactly what it is that I want to be doing with myself.

I'll be working on the old resume today and job planning and career growth, on top of selling myself on dating websites =) I should also probably take a look at law school applications and my whole social networking lifestyle. Trying for a complete overhaul of me in 2010. Version 2.0, perhaps?

walking on thin ice.

Ugh, my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'm really super-sensitive to that because it's usually one of the first signs that I'm going to spiral into some sort of depression. I slept for 14 hours last night - passing out at 6:30pm. Maybe I was just tired, but maybe I'm still feeling shitty with TG drama and the overall annoyingness of my job. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, though. I get a chance to rest and relax. I don't have any stressful plans, just Christmas shopping with my friends and chilling out.

My moods are so volatile - sometimes it's hard for me to get a handle on them. I'm normally incredibly good at outwardly controlling my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it's at the expense of my internal sanity. I need to stop viewing negative feelings as weaknesses and learn to embrace them and work through them without falling to pieces. Certain things just seem to trigger my emotions and I need to be careful when I'm dealing with those stressors.

This weekend, I'm going to clean my apartment, start doing some exercising again, and work on my online dating profile. I want to have all of my ducks in a row come January.

holiday party magic.

The holiday party last night was spectacular! The venue was amazing (Museum of Natural History) and I had a really fun time with my friends. A vast improvement over last year's party because (a) I actually have work friends now, (b) it was easy to get to the liquor, and (c) the dance floor was huge! I really had a great time and it's made me realize how much I love the people I work with. They're amazing and cool and fun and I couldn't ask for better co-workers.

Of course, I woke up this morning with a raging stomachache that made me want to kill myself and I was feeling shitty for reasons I won't get into here. It's the same person/stuff that always makes me mad. I'm just like a broken record.

After last night, I really am feeling rededicated to making myself happy. I'm struggling at work right now - mostly because I feel unmotivated in my job, unappreciated by my team, and I've been here far too long without a promotion. I thought I had another opportunity, but that closed up, and now I need to focus on what to do. I'm not used to disliking my job. This is new for me. Even when California sucked, I loved going to work every day and always looked forward to it. Now, I dread it every morning and pray for the weekend. It's hard to hate something you do every day for 10 hours a day (and sometimes 16 hours a day).

My loneliness is starting to return. It's different now, though. It's not friendship loneliness. I actually feel really well-supported by my friends! I have the work girlies, my fabulous roommates, the MCMers, and now I'm starting to do more work for Planned Parenthood and that gives me a sense of purpose. I am, however, starting to get the boyfriend itch. I just wonder if I have it in me to give dating my all. I remember how dedicated I was in SF and I guess that paid off (although sometimes I wish TG and I had never met because he stresses me out like whoa). Maybe I need to start that up again - aggressively online dating and putting myself out there. It's frustrating for sure, but when you connect with someone, that's always a good feeling. I also like to think that I've learned from the mistakes of the past and that I can date smarter this time. I don't want to do this and have the same issues I did previously. Improvement is imperative.

holidays - stressful fun!

As much as I love the holiday season, it's been incredibly stressful. I haven't bought any gifts, even though I think I pretty much know what I'm getting everyone in my family (well, except for my oldest brother). I also need to stop eating. Seriously. I've baked cookies for the past two nights and eaten about a million of them. I can't tell if I'm gaining weight or just getting soft, but I'm not pleased with my body right now. One part of me wants to be like - oh, well, it's the holidays! Eat, drink, and be merry! Then the other part of me doesn't want to be 800 pounds come New Years. Especially considering all the cute holiday dresses I want to get into. Yesterday I went shopping for dresses at my favorite store. I couldn't get one of them to zip up and I nearly had a fucking heart attack right there in the dressing room. Luckily, I realized I had a size too small, but still. That was a wake-up call. Woman, get thee to a gym! So, yeah, that needs to happen.

Holiday party is tomorrow. I love my potential dresses (c'mon, this is me - you know I have about 9 options) and I'm going with my favorite boy (Jamz) so it's going to be a good time. Plus all the roomies will be there and the cubemates. It will be infinitely better than last year's. I can't wait to be completely shit-faced. God, I love working at a tech company. It's totally okay to make a fool out of yourself at the company get-togethers. =) Maybe I'll even meet a cute engineer to make me forget about the one I keep thinking about. That would be nice.

ridiculously emotional and no clue why.

Yesterday, I was crying like a baby. It was completely ridiculous. Most of it stemmed from watching Love Actually - that movie always kills me, especially the part when the little boy calls his stepdad "Dad" and when Colin Firth proposes to the girl he loves in broken Portuguese. I'm such a sucker. The other part of it was over TG. Let me explain...

So, I've been thinking about him a lot lately, especially since he asked me about coming to stay here in NYC for a week. I IMmed him last night to ask him some questions about other things and he just seemed kind of out of it, which made me sad, of course. Then a little later he came back on and sent me this message: "text me, I'm going to lay down. I'm really bored and want to talk to someone but lay down at the same time"

I texted him and he told me that he's really nervous and scared and lonely right now. He's trying to launch his start-up, but unsure about quitting his job to do it and he's scared of failure and what will happen is it doesn't take off. He's waiting to hear back about some potential grant money and until he hears back, he can't make any decisions, so he's stressed out. I told him that I'm always there for him and that he can call/e-mail/text me whenever. So he called me right after I sent that text. He sounded so bad. I mean, he's never really vulnerable in front of anyone and he definitely doesn't show his emotions, like, ever. It was really difficult to listen to him and his fears, but I did my best to try and talk him off the ledge. He told me that he really appreciated me being there for him and listening to him. When we got off the phone, he sent me a text: "Thanks for listening! You're really super great sometimes :-)"

Basically, right after I got off the phone with him, I just started crying. Have you ever just cared about someone so much but been so confused about your feelings at the same time? That's how I feel right now. I really have some genuine feelings for this kid and it's hard to be so far away from him. He's not sure if he can come to NYC anymore (obvs) because he may not have a job/finances to do it. I understand completely, but I'm a little disappointed because I do want to see him. Although, I may be in SF in January, so we'll see. All this emotion is just so fucking complicated. I'm tired of feeling. I just want to be numb. It's too painful. I just wish I knew what his feelings for me are and what mine are for him. What I want out of this friendship. Anyway, I'm just a big crybaby, lol.

fun weekend in manhattan!

This has probably been the most active, social weekend I've had in a long time. I'm really taking this "putting myself out there" thing seriously. I spent Friday night at a bar in the East Village celebrating a high school friend's birthday. It was good to see the old high school crew again and try out a new bar. I'm actually starting to like the East Village, even though I could barely stand it when I lived there. What a difference a year makes. After the bar night, met up with A (another high school friend) and chilled at his apartment for a bit. We haven't seen each other in ages, so it was nice to catch up and get the updates on his life. I always forget how many connections I have in this city. I've found it really hard to keep up with everyone and I need to start putting more effort into those relationships because they really are important to me.

Saturday night was a lot of fun, even though I didn't really want to go out. I get so nervous when I go to parties for people that aren't in my immediate friend circle. Girl roomie took me to a party thrown by one of her a capella friends. I was kind of nervous about hanging out with a party solely comprised of Yale folk, since I didn't go there, but I really loved her friends and the party was great. I got to meet some new people and chat it up with some old friends (roomie is randomly friends with a girl who was my summer camp BFF as a child). I stayed pretty sober, so I didn't do anything stupid or hit on anyone inappropriately, so that's always a plus. After that, we headed to her cousin's b'day party at this club on the UES. While I definitely felt a little old at the club, I really love her cousin, she's such a great person and we had a fun time dancing around the club and drinking. I had what must have been the best Long Island Iced Tea I've ever tasted (note to self: learn how to make these) and got trashed while dancing my ass off. I haven't really had a night out like that in a while. It was exactly what I needed.

Next week is going to be busy - holiday party for work on Wednesday and then the PPNYC holiday party on Thursday, which means Monday and Tuesday will be spent doing last minute shopping, primping, and preparing. Lots to do!

and the plot thickens?

So, TG wants to come visit in January. For 9 days. Is that normal? I don't know, I think it is - I mean, we're friends and all and we have a history and really, who else would he stay with? Then again, is it awkward to have a guy you dated for 9 months and still have a complicated sexual/emotional relationship with come to your home for over a week? I'm really excited about it, but nervous as well. Maybe it would be good for us to get our feelings out there on the table (well, my feelings - he "doesn't believe in emotions" and all that). I told him it was okay, but we'll see. He can be so flaky - maybe he won't even come or maybe he's seeing someone and doesn't want to complicate things. I have no idea. It's just weighing on my mind right now. Especially since he asked me if he should still come even though his company won't pay for it. I just want to know why he wants to see me. I don't think he's coming for any other reason. Ugh, twenty-first century relationships are so complicated.

Will keep you updated on whether or not he buys the tickets...

finally!

So, as you all know I've been doing the whole PP (Planned Parenthood) activist thing. We've finished our training, signed up for the groups we're interested in, and now it's time to start actually volunteering. This kind of thing always excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I've never really participated in any kind of activism, even though I consider myself to be part of 3 minority groups. I'm definitely making up for lost time.

Well, let me say this - last night I think I found my people. Most of you know that I'm a little bit crazy and I have the tendency to say the most inappropriate things at the most random times. I also believe that nothing is taboo. So naturally, the fact that we discussed both dildos and fleshlights in the meeting made me really fucking excited. I normally feel so dirty talking about the things I'm interested in, even with people I've known my whole life, much less with total strangers. Most of the time you don't discuss sex, sexuality, and porn with people you barely know. But that's what happened yesterday and it just made me feel comfortable and normal in a way I usually don't. Living in the "real world" has been quite shocking for me. I enjoyed my little liberal college bubble, where things like female and male sexuality workshops were the norm and sex was such an open thing. Now, I barely have anyone to have serious (and not so serious) discussions about those topics. Needless to say, it makes me very happy to think that I'll be able to fit in with this group of people who share the same progressive, sex-positive views that I do.

I'm a little nervous for our first event. I wonder how good I'll be at tabling and getting signatures and handing out condoms. But, I know how passionate I am about this stuff, so I'm going to assume that my passion will help me overcome the shyness that sometimes stifles me. It feels good to be a part of something larger than yourself that reflects your values. What took me so long?

big steps.

I finally decided to do something radical and crazy. It probably won't lead to anything, but I feel like I need to do something about the apathy and disillusionment I'm feeling about certain aspects of my life. I wish I could elaborate on this, but you never know who's reading these things. I will definitely post more when I have some more clarity.

In some ways, this is one of the most exciting stages of my life. I feel like I'm at this crossroads and there are so many paths open to me. Change is exciting - scary, but exciting. I'm eager to try new paths and do new things because I think I'm selling myself short in so many ways. One of the things I hate about myself is that I'm not aggressive. I can be impulsive, spontaneous, and crazy, but I am never aggressive in my actions or words. I'm not really sure why. Maybe having a hyper-aggressive mother makes me less likely to jump down people's throats. Maybe it's my old shy self peering out or my fear of conflict, but I can never really assert myself in the way that I should. I'm starting to get sick of it. I need to focus on this spinelessness and conflict avoidance. I need to be willing to stick my neck out more. It's the only way to really get ahead.

quote

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." - unknown

=)

i really need to start dating again.

Honestly, folks. I think it's time. This has been the longest stretch of my life that I haven't been actively engaged in some sort of flirtation with the opposite sex. Even back in middle and high school, I was always forming crushes, flirting, daydreaming about boys. I never really had much luck with boys in those years, but they were always there. There were boys you liked and boys who liked you and then there were also so many distractions - your friends, schoolwork, drama and gossip. I just feel so unsatisfied with my love life lately that I've totally put it on the back burner, which isn't healthy or helpful at all.

I always thought it would get easier as I got older, but it really hasn't. There were certainly more men in my life, beginning my senior year of college, but things never really went anywhere and everything was always pretty screwed up. I remember back in the day, as a 20 year old virgin, all I really wanted was to have sex, to have someone desire me in a tangible, physical way. Well, I've had sex - numerous times with numerous men - and I still feel empty. I've made so many mistakes - prizing sexual attraction over anything else. I've always wanted to be desired more than loved. I mean, I'm a very confident person when it comes to my personality. I think I'm awesome - I'm free-spirited, up for anything, sarcastically witty, intelligent, and I know how to have a good time. When it comes to the other stuff - being pretty or attractive or sexy - that's where I get hung up. I have far less confidence in my body and my looks, so I tend to spring after men who validate those parts of me and not the other things I bring to the table. It's unhealthy and I'm slowly starting to realize that.

I look at my relationship with TG and I made so many mistakes. I like to drive people away when they get too close or when they don't fit the mold of what I think I want. I can be dismissive and cruel sometimes and I watch myself do it and it's awful. Sometimes it's so painful to be friends with someone you still care very deeply about, but at the same time you don't want to let go of the friendship. I'm always so conflicted about this. Knowing that one day he's going to move on (possibly one day soon) and date someone seriously and I'm going to have to rework how I interact with him and how we treat each other. I'm shooting myself in the foot by not dating anyone at all. I'm torn, though, because I don't want to date someone just so I can be coupled up before someone else is. I want to date because I'm ready to date. It's not a contest; I shouldn't be comparing my life to his or anyone else's. But, I'm human, so of course I do.

Lately, I just want someone to value me as a person. To treat me with the kind of respect that I deserve, to love and adore me. It's hard for me to admit that. To admit that I need that. I don't know why, but I view it as a weakness. I mean, I definitely want the sexual attraction, too. I couldn't deal with not having that. But, now, I want to focus more on someone who finds me captivating than focusing on someone who just wants to get me naked. I think part of the reason I've taken so long to jump back into the dating game (it's been since April, people) is that I want to do it differently. I know I have to do it differently and I'm trying to figure out how. I'm starting to feel old and I'm starting to hear that clock ticking. It's a scary feeling. I just know that I need to at least start paying some kind of attention to men or I'm going to end up apathetic and alone.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's almost December, which excites me a ton because Christmas is my favorite thing on Earth. The actual day is okay, but I love the holiday season. To me, Christmas begins the day after Thanksgiving and extends until December 25th. I do dorky things like watch those animated Christmas specials on ABC Fam and also watch my own favorite holiday movies (i.e. Love Actually and The Nightmare Before Christmas). I decorate - ask my roommate about our 7' Christmas tree that I tried to erect in our small NYC apartment. I drink holiday drinks (creme de menthe + cream + vodka, anyone?) and I play holiday tunes, of course. It's truly magical. Viva Christmastime! On the way home I noticed a Christmas tree in the FiDi that I will probably visit 87453 times before 12/25. I'm a huge sap for Christmas.

This week I have some tech meetings, PPNYC stuff, and a few social outings. I've decided that no matter how boring things have gotten in some areas of my life, I have to keep on keepin' on, even if that means going out alone or testing the boundaries of my comfort zone. It's the only way to get what you want.

Lastly, I have a new blog project up ahead. It will most likely replace this one, as I've been feeling pretty stagnant here lately, but don't quote me on that. It will combine my love of shamelessness, storytelling, and alcohol. Now if only I can get the spammy bitch who has the twitter account to give it up, I'll be all set. And I mean that in the kindest way possible =) More news on that later...

Anyhow, it's holiday time! Time to get excited and inspired!

the best laid plans...

I was supposed to be so productive this break. And here I am, a week later and I've done nothing, absolutely nothing. Maybe there's value in that, as well. I've been home at my parents' house for a while and there really isn't all that much I can do here, so I sleep and indulge my obsession with Criminal Minds, a show on A&E. I'm seriously in love with this show. I've watched about 20 episodes over the past 3 days. It's seriously insane. Anyway.

One thing I have decided over this break is that I must, must, must apply to law school. I've been hemming and hawing about all of this for a while, but it's time for some action. That way, I at least have my options open. We got an e-mail listing all of the promoted folks in HR at my company, and scanning through some of the names just made me want to shriek. I regularly work my ass off, doing a number of difficult and stressful tasks, and I never complain (well, not to them) and it's just not rewarded. Meanwhile, plenty of people with stress-free jobs are getting pay increases and title changes. One thing is clear - I'm never going to get anywhere in this department. It's time to see the writing on the wall.

I think my problem as of late is a complete and total lack of any sort of momentum. I feel completely stagnant - in thought, word and deed. I'm a highly introspective person, but it's rare for me to let things get this bad. I've been unhappy for a while and I haven't done anything about it but get mad and frustrated. Sometimes I fear my own anger. I worry that I'll hurt myself or someone else or just completely fly off the handle. I'm not used to this lack of control over my own emotions. At least not outwardly. Inside I can be struggling for calm, but I never show fear or anger or outrage on my sleeve. Unfortunately, my foundation is starting to crack and I'm nervous. I just have to stop living for other people. Right now, I feel like I'm living in fear of what my parents will think about my choices. I need to stop caring about that because, honestly, my parents won't have to live with my mistakes. I will. I just fear that one day I'll wake up and remember how I was going to be a lawyer and how now I'm stuck in some middle-management job hating my life and resenting myself for not doing what I said I was going to do.

However, all of this is going to take some compromise. Something is going to have to give - I'll either have to go part time, find some way to make income while I'm in school, or go somewhere lower tiered that will give me money. Right now, option 3 sounds the best. I want to be able to have the full law school experience; I'm not willing to compromise on that, even if it means waiting another year to actually go. So now it's time to get off my butt and start putting in my applications. I have a personal statement to write and one more professor to harass about recommendation letters and then I'm done. It's time to stop sitting still and start moving.

vacation!

I'm taking this next week off of work and I'm super stoked. I should've had 9 days off, but you know how my job is and it'll just be 7 days since I worked most of this weekend. I really can't wait to recharge. I'll be home for most of the time, so that means I can really buckle down and focus on all the exciting new projects I'm interested in.

This weekend has been a shitshow - I haven't really done anything but cook, cook, cook and watch tons of television and drink wine. I did a little bit of shopping, but I just wasn't in the mood to go all out. Which means that I'm going to have to deal with my mother looking at me like I fell off the bumpkin truck all weekend. Oh, well.

I hope I don't kill anyone this week. Sometimes family makes you homicidal, especially with all 6 of us in the house.

Anyway, it's back to work for me! More interesting posts to come later this week. =)

oh the times, they are a changin'

I'm ridiculously bored, frustrated, and frazzled. Luckily, that just makes me want to work harder to make things better. I've been talking to TG a lot about motivation and potential and life. When I put aside my feelings for him (sexual and emotional), I really do like the way he's turned his life around. I feel that way about a lot of my SF friends. When I go back to California and see all the change that they've gone though, it makes me slightly jealous but also inspired.

The whole job thing is baffling to me. I go back and forth all the time about how long I really think I can do this position. The sad thing is that I really love my company, I'm passionate about what they do and I believe in them. However, my current job has become a little too demanding considering that I don't get much out of it. The sad thing is, I think I could transfer jobs at around the same time I would be going off to school (if I took that route). However, I don't think there are any openings in New York and it would require a move. I don't want to move. It seems silly and counterproductive to me at this time. I really want to stay in New York and tough it out and get through these hurdles. The only thing that would appeal to me out west would be school on a full-time basis. If not that, then I plan on staying firmly in this city for the next couple of years.

I've also been really frustrated socially. I love my friends to death - they are my heart and soul, but it's so difficult to get together. I miss all the ones out on LI and then it seems like getting the city crew together is increasingly difficult. Not only that, I miss going out. Nobody goes out anymore. Even when I make plans to go party, something always screws them up. Like tonight - I don't think tonight is happening and I'm pissed. People wonder why I'm always leaving NYC on the weekends - part of it is that nothing is ever going on here! I'm just frustrated. So I'm hoping that by throwing myself into Planned Parenthood and tech events I will get out and do fun shit. Sometimes I feel like the only person who's interested in partying like I did in college. Well, maybe with slightly less drinking. I don't want to go overboard, I just miss dancing and having a good time - checking out the bar scene. I never get out and that was fine when the whole celibacy plan was in effect, but come January, I'm not trying to be a wallflower for the rest of my life. We'll see how it goes.

I'm really excited for my week off. I want to be super productive and lazy at the same time. Going to Long Island should help with that! Anyways, back to television and reading. =)

all alone.

I'm all alone in my apartment this weekend. Normally I would be excited, but instead I'm just creeped out and lonely. I spent most of tonight working, but I couldn't finish so I stopped and I'll probably put in another 5 hours tomorrow. I really need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life because the current plan just isn't hacking it. Stupid economy. I hate being a slave to something I cannot control. It's one thing when you're not good enough or talented or motivated enough to do something, but when it's the outside circumstances that are keeping you from it, it's just frustrating.

I worry about my parents and their monetary situation and how that affects me and the choices I make and the future of my family. I wonder if I'll ever really have enough - enough time, enough money, enough happiness. I'm wondering what I think it'll take for me to be happy. I've never had a problem with hard work, but I just don't think I can do what I'm doing right now. I'm wondering if I'm just burnt out or if I've become a lazy bum or if I'm just not challenged by what I do. I need guidance, but I'm not really sure how to get it.

Anyway, I'm rambling because it's late and I'm awake and I'm ending a night spent in anger. So let me just call it a night. =)

adventures in planned parenthood training.

I am ridiculously excited about completing my training for the Activist Council. Last night was our last class and it was both informative and infuriating in its own special way. First of all, their website for the Council looks amazing. I hate when I join an organization and find out that it's crazy low-tech and most of the members cannot figure out how to communicate via teh interwebs. I think working for a tech firm is really starting to rub off on me because I cannot deal with sub-par technology and communication. So score 1 for PP.

We heard from the various different segment of the council: Political Action, Fundraising, Field Team, Escorting, and Sex Education. I'm not interested in escorting or political work - while I think they're both incredibly important and interesting aspects of the work PP does, I'm just not really political and I think I wouldn't deal well with protestors if I was helping to escort.

Initially I didn't think Fundraising was going to be my forte either. I pictured it being a bunch of phone banks and begging people for money. However, when the representative of that group stood up to talk, she said they were basically just party planners. I've wanted to be a party planner for a while and I love organizing and planning and doing task-oriented work. So I think I want to at least check that group out and see if it's for me. Sex Education has always been my passion so that was a shoo-in, in spite of an interesting conversation posed by one of the trainees during that presentation. Note to all: please do not tell a roomful of women about your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner's anatomy especially when it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. We really do not need to hear it. Moving on. The Field team also looked interesting - they go to various clubs, bars, and events and hand out info about the organization, in addition to condoms, lube, etc. So I think I'll take a look at those three segments, see which ones call to me and go from there!

So, the infuriating part. During the sex ed presentation, someone asked a question about whether or not PP tailors their message based on different socioeconomic groups. Good question, but she should have stopped there. She then went on to say, "In certain African-American communities, having as many children as you can is a sign of status even if you can't afford them." That pretty much got a collective quizzical look, some gasps, and the girl next to me called out "what the fuck?" Sigh.

This is the problem I have with so-called "enlightened" white people. Don't talk about shit you don't know anything about. First of all, whatever she was talking about is not a phenomenon I've ever heard of, and I polled my brothers and sisters out there and they've never heard of it either. Maybe we need to start some sex education in that girl's neighborhood. I just take issue with her comment because I don't think anyone should speak on something they clearly know nothing about. I have a lot of friends of different backgrounds and ethnicities and while I think I have a better understand than most about various cultures, I would never in a room full of people presume that I have the right to speak on their behalf. I have no idea where this woman is getting her knowledge, but I would be willing to bet that it's not from actual black people. Hearing her spread bullshit theories out of her ass was maddening. Sometimes you just need to shut up. Ugh.

ANYWAY. Luckily, no one rioted over it. Although every colored person in the room gave each other knowing looks and I started cracking up with the girl next to me at the absurdity of her statement. Hopefully, that woman will learn and grow and not make a silly comment like that again. It really illustrated all of the things I worry about when it comes to feminism. The feminist movement in the past was very polarizing when it came to race. Many colored women felt pushed to the margins because their experiences weren't represented. I think we're starting to move past that and acknowledge the various experiences of women, but comments like that just set us back. I'm very curious to see what it'll be like to be a black woman in this movement.

Will keep you posted.

whirlwind!

This past few days have been crazy. I spent the weekend in DC with my sorority sisters for an impromptu reunion. Wow, I've really missed those girls. We have so much fun together and I have so much respect, admiration, and love for all of them. It makes me happy to know that my college experience yielded some amazing friendships with amazing women. Plus, College BFF made mulled wine and her usual Saturday brunch which makes me want to start cooking for real. Maybe one day I can be a model of domesticity. HA - who am I kidding? Maybe one day I can just not be a colossal ball of mess. Baby steps.

Work has been kicking my ass. Three days til vacation and I have some major deliverables. Guess who won't be sleeping at all this week? I had my performance review today with my manager. Nothing I was too shocked about - doing excellent work, valued member of the team, I need to work on my shyness and being more visible. All things I know. I'm okay with it. I wish they'd promote me, but it's definitely not going to happen for a while. And so I wait or bide my time until law school or another opportunity comes up. More on that stuff tomorrow.

Right now, I'm doing some major Tivo catch-up and doing work for my preso tomorrow. Wish me luck!

i <3 planned parenthood!

Totally realized that I haven't written anything about my Planned Parenthood training, so I should probably do that. I'm really enjoying it so far. It feels good to do something for the greater good and not continuing with my selfish and self-involved routine. Well, I'm still selfish and self-involved, but I am taking a few hours out of my week to learn more about supporting Planned Parenthood's mission and giving back to the feminist cause. The women there are wonderful and I really feel like we're learning a lot.

I have an extremely hard time with conflict, so last week's "Difficult Topics" session was both terrifying and incredibly useful for me. I just can't seem to articulate my feelings on abortion and comprehensive sex ed in a meaningful, convincing way. While I know that most people who heckle feminists and Planned Parenthood volunteers won't listen to any sort of reason, it's still nice to be able to articulate your values. They taught us a bunch of techniques to answer the rudest questions posed to us. They started out by asking us what would be true in our perfect world in regards to sex, sexuality, and abortion rights, which really challenged me to think about the reasons why I'm so passionate about these types of issues.

Personally, I've always had a very conflicted view about abortion. I fiercely believe that every woman has the right to make that choice and get an abortion if that's in her best interest. However, I don't think I could ever have one. Yet, I don't think my own hang-ups about the procedure should stop someone else from doing it if that's the decision they choose to make. One of the things that struck me about Planned Parenthood is that they understand that not every abortion rights activist or even every feminist has the same view of abortion. The facilitator told us that most likely every woman in the room had a completely different view of abortion. We may all get to the same endpoint - that it should be legal - but how we get there might be different. I appreciated the respect for all of our different viewpoints.

I could write more, but I'm strapped at work and I just wanted to put it out there that I'm enjoying the Activist Council training and I'm looking forward to really getting started working with the organization. Yay! =)

well at least i'm not the only one who's confused.

Thankfully, the increasing sense of frustration at my current job and lack of direction is something that's shared by many of my peers. I had drinks with Tall last night and we both were talking about how unsure we are of our next steps and how our motivation is zapped in our current positions. Today, I sat in a meeting and there was a lot of talk of retention risks. I felt like I couldn't even open my mouth because I was probably the biggest retention risk in the room. I love my company to death, but sometimes it feels like my job is sucking my soul out. I'm not really 100% sure how to rectify this. I don't think there's another role on my team that would make me happier. I don't even know if there's another role in HR that would do it. Yet, I'm not ready to just leave. I keep thinking maybe travel would do it - trying to see if they'd let me go somewhere for a short term assignment. Like Australia or London.

I keep having this nagging thought - maybe I don't want to be a lawyer. Do you know how scary that is? I've wanted to be a lawyer for so long that I just don't know if I have any other options at this point. I certainly don't want to be an HR professional. Also, the degree will open up doors for me. It just worries me because I don't think I've stumbled upon it yet. That one thing I was born to do. There are so many things that I'm interested in and that I could spend my life doing, but I have yet to find a way to tie all those seemingly disconnected ideas together. I love sexuality, feminism, American History, technology, media, theatre, writing, entertainment. Blah! How to unite them all. (Is it sad that the first thing I thought while typing that sentence was - ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL? Can we add extreme dorkiness to the list?) Anyway, bottom line, I need to figure out my life. This is becoming increasingly frustrating.

I wonder if our generation was ruined by all this "You can do whatever you want." Sometimes I wish my life had a plan. Then again, I know this is the lazy side of me talking and that the fighting, driven, motivated side (hopefully the bigger side) is happy that she has choices and options and a sense of entitlement. I just need to use that to find my way. I'm only 24 years old - I've barely even started my working life. I have plenty of time.

how long does it take to get over someone?

I'm not all that experienced with relationships. I'm not good at them at all and they are incredibly hard for me. I've slept with and hooked up with a decent amount of boys, but my only "relationships" were a short-lived middle school boyfriend, a very short-term high school thing, and then TG in California. With TG, I go through so many cycles and I'm wondering if it's normal. I've gotten over him and then fallen right back into like with him 6 months later. It's this crazy roller coaster and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

I basically told myself that my last trip to SF was it. That I would be cutting ties with him since I wouldn't be back until April 2010. However, that doesn't seem to be happening. We talk pretty frequently - he's always pinging me and sending me links and videos. Then I texted him the other night while drinking and we got into this whole long dirty text message saga. Last night, I was bored and so he kept me company even though he was trying to code for his new project. Sometimes he can say the sweetest things to me and it just makes me smile. I like how he always makes me laugh and how he tries to get me to be less angry and moody. He wants to come to NYC in January, after New Years, for a week. He'd probably stay with me, assuming we're both still single and into each other.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with this kid. There's history and attachment and all that, but why? Do I really like him? Does he really like me? Or are we just two lonely people finding comfort in one another? I suppose one could ask that question about any relationship. I just never know with him because we've gone through so much shit together. It took me a long time to really have feelings for him and then when I did, he was afraid of me. And yet, when I look at all of his actions and the way he treats me when we're together, I have to believe he feels something. I'm just not sure what it is that he feels. Being 3,000 miles away doesn't make me want to ask.

Maybe I should just get over it.

empire state of mind.

I really cannot stop listening to this song. I've been looping it all weekend and watching the video, falling in love with New York all over again. I have such a strange relationship with this city - it's hard to put into words. When I was a little girl, New York City was the most amazing place on Earth. Growing up on Long Island, I loved those weekends where we'd take the Long Island Railroad in and go see a play or the Rockettes for Christmas. It was magical. That's pretty much the only way to describe how I felt about the city - pure magic. I imagined that NYC was what every city looked like, with just slightly different climates. Once I got older and traveled more, I learned that this was not the case. There is no other city I've been to that is like NYC. I'm not saying New York is perfect, but it's certainly unique.

I come from a very New York family. Father born and bred in NYC, mother born and bred on Long Island. Pretty much everything about me is very New York. I am one of those annoying New Yorkers that will always call NYC "the city" and will fight anyone who talks trash about the place I call home. I'm sarcastic, cynical, will pay $14 for a well-made cocktail and believe that people should get dressed up when they're going out. It was always clear to me that while I adored certain aspects of SF and think I may one day want to live there again, I will never be a SF-type personality. There will always be things about me that will be distinctly 'New York.' Sometimes you have to accept the things about you that are never going to change.

Lately, I've been thinking that I'm crazy to consider leaving New York. It's starting to make me question every life goal I have. Like, do I really want to go to law school right now? Or do I want to stay and play in New York for a little while? Or maybe I only want to apply to New York schools? Someone once told me you need to live in New York for 5 years before you really feel at home. I've only been here 2, but I'm starting to feel really attached to this place. I don't really want to leave it. I want to try and carve out some kind of life here and I really just want to stop running away from things and commit to something. I'm not really big on commitment or staying put. I have this nomad wandering gene that always makes me want to move around. I'm wondering how healthy that is. Maybe I need to just stay put and breathe for a little bit. Try and make some lasting relationships, figure out what it is I want. I really have no idea where my life is going. This is a scary thing for me.

Maybe New York is where I'm meant to be.

sometimes i forget i'm not the only one growing up.

It was nice to go home for the weekend, but strange as well. It's odd to see how many things have changed in my parents' house since I've left it. I think my brothers definitely have a different childhood than I did. It's also odd to see them growing up and going out and doing things that I always thought they'd be too young to do. My parents are getting older and that's interesting to watch. Had to listen to my mother's speech about what I'm supposed to dress her in when she dies. Yes, my mother already has her funeral dress picked out - she is fucking nuts. Especially since it's not like she's 95. The woman is 54 years old and doesn't seem to have any health troubles. I guess that stuff doesn't bother me, though, because my parents love to talk about all kinds of morbid, inappropriate things. As odd as it is, I think they've turned me into the exhibitionist, hippie-liberal I am today, despite the fact that they are neither of those things.

Apparently, I'm now of the age where my mother is going to worry about my dating life. I'm thinking of getting a boyfriend just so I don't have to listen to my mother talk about how I need a man in my life. I'd love to go all feminist on her, but it would be a lost cause so I just kind of grin and bear it. I did tell her I was volunteering at Planned Parenthood, though. I was proud of being honest about that. I'm slowly starting to be more of myself with my parents - it's about damn time! Although my mother knowing that I have sex with TG is still kind of weird. Oh well, I'm all about open sexuality, that also means I need to be open about it in uncomfortable situations. I'm a sexual being - my parents have to realize I'm not the Virgin Mary.

Anyway, I'm exhausted. Time to head to bed.

quick hit.

So this is it. I'm having my quarterlife crisis. It's spectacular. Anyway, I have so much to talk about, but I'm watching the Yankees game and I need to get my thoughts in order. Basically, I was just informed that I have to spend 50% of my time doing my old job. Remember how I used to schedule interviews and book travel and do all sorts of things that were awful? Yeah, well, I'm doing that again for a little while. I've been sold down the river. I actually cried over this. I don't think words can express how soul-sucking that job was and I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a spectacular demotion. You work hard, you bust your ass to get out of a position and then all of a sudden you're right back where you started again.

Someone help me brainstorm my next move. The roomies discussed - we've come up with the following:
1. marry rich
2. become a dominatrix

I'm leaning towards 2, but I'll take more suggestions.

xoxo,
your friendly neighborhood drama queen.

roaring 20s.

For the past couple of days, you may have noticed that I've been tagging my posts with the label 'roaring 20s.' Then again, maybe you didn't - is anyone reading this, haha? Lately, I've been obsessed with the 1920s. It's always been one of my favorite eras and if I could live at any time, I would choose that one. So many exciting things going on in literature, culture, and society. I just recently read a book about flappers and now I'm smack in the middle of The Beautiful and the Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald. That whole world fascinates me. There were so many interesting things happening with women and the Harlem Renaissance and prohibition. The history geek in me can barely get enough.

But to get to the point (and yes, there is a point...), I want to christen this period in my life the Roaring 20s (yes, I know I'm incredibly cheesy and dorky, but I like me this way). I really think it's time for me to start celebrating my youth and taking advantage of every minute of it. I'm 24 years old and I have no commitments to anyone but myself. To celebrate my renewed energy, my roommate and I got ridiculously wasted on wine and were promptly drunk by 8pm. It was an excellent first night of freedom and I even made it to bed (well, passed out) by 11pm. Tonight, it's dinner and a movie with the roomies, and tomorrow I will be drinking with my favorite drinking buddy, Tall. Thursday is Planned Parenthood training and then Friday, I'll be taking the train home to Long Island to see my family, catch up on sleep, and watch movies with Slind. Fabulous.

I think I'm on my way to being back to my old self. It feels good =)

diary of a mad black woman.

Lately, I've been feeling really angry and upset at the state of our society, especially in regards to gender and race. I've never been as tired of dealing with bullshit as I currently am. As each day passes, I am more and more disillusioned with the state of life for black women in America.

I spend a lot of time talking to my College BFF. We have a rock solid relationship for a variety of reasons - we're both kind of crazy, borderline alcoholic, have similar outlooks on relationships and friendships, but I'd be lying if I said that race isn't a factor in our friendship. I consider her to be one of my closest friends partially because we're both black women who were raised by a certain type of black parent. We can both feel comfortable with each other's families because we were raised with a lot of the same values. Having bourgie black parents is similar whether you grew up down South (like she did) or up North (like I did). She just gets it. Last night, we discussed how angry we are all the time. How it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. That there's no way a black woman can 'have it all' and stay sane. I mean, I look at Michelle Obama - girlfriend can't do anything without the press jumping on it. I'm still reeling over the Malia Obama 'hair in twists' debacle. It just makes me sick - just because she was wearing a natural hair style she's deemed unfit to be seen. I reread this OKCupid article that basically shows that the lowest people on the dating totem pole are Black women. It's actually quite fascinating - I'd recommend reading it. Top that off with my own experiences navigating my way through life and it's no wonder I'm bitter. I'm actually shocked I don't feel shittier than I do.

Lately, I'm finding it harder and harder to navigate in the "white world." Sometimes I wish my non-colored friends and colleagues could glimpse just for a second the amount of sadness, anger, and disgust that I live with every single day. Quite frankly, I don't think the upper-middle class order can even grasp just how many angry black people are lurking in its midst. I mean, I'm angry as hell and I have a good job, a good apartment, and am fairly successful by most measures. God only knows how mad I'd be if I was living in poverty. I remember a bit Chris Rock used to do about his older black uncle, who was married to a white woman. The uncle tries to explain this to Chris - something along the lines of "These white people ain't shit... except for Suzie. I love her and she loves me, that's what matters. But, I'll tell you this - if the revolution ever comes, I'll kill her first, just to prove a point." Not gonna lie, I know where he's coming from. I operate within this world, but I'm not from it and if I'm asked to choose sides, I already know which side I'm choosing. It may not be "fair," it may not be "enlightened," but honestly, it's how I've come to feel lately.

I've made a lot of concessions to get where I'm going - I've given up a lot of myself just to assimilate and sometimes I can't bear it. Because the fact of the matter is, no matter how long I operate in this world, and no matter how far I get - there will always be limits. Even if we can have the presidency and become CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, the scrutiny is still there. Everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up because at the end of the day, in the words of one of my favorite Kanye lines, "Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe..."

The fact of matter is, I can't ignore race - try as I might. That is a luxury that no colored person will ever have. Race is something I'll have to discuss in my home, lecture my children about, and prepare them for as I raise them and if I go it alone, I won't have any help doing it. I will have to teach them the lessons my mother and father taught me - that being good is never good enough, that people will judge you before you open your mouth, and that it will never be easy. I've learned that I can't afford to be weak or let anyone see me sweat or cry. Vulnerability is not an option.

In my ongoing struggle to reconcile my choices in the past with the person I'm trying to become, I cut my hair. More and more, the personal is starting to become political. Initially, I cut my hair because all those chemicals were drying my scalp out and it was unhealthy. After I did it, though, it started to mean more to me than just having a healthy head of hair. In the end, I think I cut it because I wanted to say fuck you to all those images that assault women on a daily basis that tell us we have to be tall, thin, with long, silky-straight hair and Caucasian features to be pretty. I refuse to play into that anymore. I'm keeping my short, nappy hair and my fat ass and my brown skin and I'm going to rock it like nobody's business. I'm tired of little black girls not feeling pretty, not loving themselves. So I'm going to do the only thing I feel empowered to do right now - I'm just gonna be me and not apologize for it. I'm going to embrace my own beauty and try and inspire others to do the same. It's not much, but you gotta start somewhere.

Anger is only useful if it leads to some kind of action. The good Lord knows I'm trying.

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid.

This weekend was amazing and reminded me that I love New York City, I love going out, and I never ever ever want to be old. I had brunch with one of my favorite AXOs today and I declared that I want to be young and free and irresponsible forever. I believe I phrased it something like this, "I just want to die before I'm 35. That way I never have to grow up or be in charge of anything." Yes - I know, I'm ridiculous, but the sentiment behind it was heartfelt. I've spent the past week thinking about life and what I want out of it. My job makes me want to kill myself on a daily basis - I think I've cried about 4 days last week and had several irrational outbursts of anger when I wasn't crying. I had two conversations with close friends today - one that made me question what we're teaching our sons about how to live their lives and another that made me realize that I'm becoming an angry black woman (I'll post more about that tomorrow). It's been a rough 7 days for sure, but by this weekend I decided that I want to be young forever and that I need to stop this premature oldness that has crept into my life. It's disgusting and there's no place for it right now.

I went out on Friday night and got spectacularly smashed with my fabulous roommates, my roomie's girlfriend, and Jama. It was so much fun to laugh and joke with friends. I don't know if I'll ever have friends anywhere like my friends in NYC. For the first time in a long while, I feel really good socially. I love my apartment. It's homey, it's warm, it's inviting and we have an amazing time together. Our friend groups mesh and I feel really involved in each other's lives. It's a nice feeling. I love my work friends - I feel like I've settled into a comfortable routine there. Then there's the high school kids, who aren't even my friends anymore, they're my fucking family. Top that off with the new people in our lives and I feel very balanced and supported. Halloween was fantastic! I liked my bloody Little Dead Riding Hood costume. Went out, stayed out til 4 am like old times. I didn't get all that drunk, though, but that's probably for the best. Top that off with brunch and errands today and it was a nice, social weekend.

I am 24 years old and I don't know if all those things that I thought I wanted will ever materialize. I don't know if I'll get married, I don't know if I'll have children. I don't know if I'll have a house with a yard in a suburban paradise. All of that not knowing makes me want plan for the alternative. The thing I like most about New York is that it always has this really exciting, youthful feel. Not necessarily youthful like everyone looks/acts 21, but moreso that people are so active. They go out, they experience the world, they have a good time, they live to entertain themselves. I miss that. I used to go out all the time. I drank and I flirted with boys and I was inappropriate and wild and free. Now, I spend most evenings at home or doing something tame with friends. I don't wanna do that shit anymore. Society has told me that as a woman, that I'm supposed to want a domestic utopia, and the the only way I'm supposed to achieve happiness is to get married to some man and bear his children all the while trying to juggle a meaningful career at the same time. Maybe I don't want that. Maybe I struggle with being single not because I'm upset about being single but because I'm supposed to be upset about being single. Fuck that.

Every day I read another article about how single, intelligent black women are destined to be alone - how no one wants to marry us. I refuse, I fucking refuse to feel sorry for myself or to become another statistic. I'm opting out. I don't want to be a part of anybody's scheme of what my life should be or what I should want. Maybe I don't want a house, maybe I want to be a nomad, a wanderer, for the rest of my life. Maybe I want to have a baby come hell or high water - whether I'm married or single or living in sin. Maybe I want to drink myself half to death every weekend and spend my time and money making myself feel good and not worrying about growing up and doing grown-up things. Maybe I want to be a new kind of woman, one that doesn't live her life by a prescribed timeline or set of rules. Fuck you and all of your fucking rules. I'm going to break them all and I'm going to do it with a smile on my face.

I never want to grow up.

home sweet home, at last!

I am finally back in New York City and I've never been happier to be back. After the end of the California nightmare, I spent a weekend in Seattle visiting with College Roommate and relaxing. I got to see S and rest myself and get away from work - it was nice.

Now that I'm back home, though, I feel like the pressure is on. I've been immediately thrust back into my old life and I'm still adjusting. It's strange to be away for such a long period of time. I'm already stressing out about Halloween plans, my Planned Parenthood training on Thursday, and making sure I get enough sleep so I don't collapse. I forgot how busy New York could be. =)

Work is still stressful, but not in the working-16-hours-a-day kind of way, more in the constantly-preoccupied-with-thoughts-of-things-I-should-be-doing way. I'm sure I'll survive, although I've been incredibly unhappy about the whole situation lately. It's always something, I suppose. One can never be 100% happy in life.

My thoughts are racing, all the time. It worries me that I don't have a concrete goal in life. At least not anymore. I've lost sight of what I want, which is unsettling. I tend to get what I want. Or at least what I think I want. I'm not worried about not achieving. The problem I have now is that I don't know what it is I want, so I don't know how to go about getting it. I'm not used to chasing shadows - this shit is new to me. Taking life as it comes isn't really my M.O. - never has been and I suspect it never will be. I like to always have something to strive for at all times. I just need to clear my head and think. I'm hoping after the hoopla of this weekend, things will be a bit more relaxed and I'll have time to think and plan my next steps.

In the meantime, catching up on some Dexter and Mad Men.

welcome back.

I've been neglecting this blog a lot lately and not just because of work. I mean, even when I was back in NYC and writing on a daily basis, I'd lost a lot of my previous spark. I just got a Facebook message from a friend from college that I haven't spoken to in ages. She mentioned reading my blog religiously in college and finding it "entertaining and thought-provoking." Quite frankly, I haven't felt entertaining or thought-provoking in a long while and I apologize for that. I don't know what it is - if I'm at an impasse with my writing or my life, but I've been hopelessly boring and it needs to end. I'm rededicating myself to this blog and to all of my other writing. I swear I will put interesting content on this page and will stop posting simply to post. Even when I'm not living the social butterfly lifestyle, I am an intelligent girl with real thoughts that I should put on the page and I'm going to do that, damn it! Yeah! Haha.

So to start, I want to talk about my job. I've worked the hardest I've ever worked in my life over the past three weeks. I worked 125 hours over the last two weeks and I'm sure that's shortchanging myself because of all the time I spend checking e-mails and crafting correspondence in my sleep. I've never been a stranger to hard work. I've worked very hard to get to where I am today, but sometimes I wonder how long I can hold up working like this and if it's even worth it. What makes it worse is that I can't tell if the hours and stress of the position are the problem or if it's the simple fact that I just don't feel passionate about the work. I guess what I'm really asking myself is: do I want a job or do I want a career?

I had lunch today with Blondie, my former SF roommate. She told me that in her current position she isn't even allowed to work overtime and so does 8 hours every day, 5 days a week. She doesn't necessarily love the work she's doing, but she likes it well enough and even moreso she enjoys having no stress and the freedom to live her life as she sees fit when she's outside of the office. She likes having a job that pays the bills but doesn't consume her allowing her to get fulfillment outside of work.

I've always been a career gal. Not that I want my job to be my life, but I feel like I was raised to study hard and do well in school so that I could be successful, defined as having a powerful, lucrative job that would bring me prestige and a sense of pride in what I do. I've always wanted a family and a husband and a nice social circle, but all of that was always in the background while I would define myself by my career - in my case, as an attorney. Now, I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier if I just had a job. Something decent, of course, but nothing that I would define myself by. It would just be that thing I do 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, in order to finance the things I truly care about and want to define me.

This is seriously changing my worldview here. I know that I couldn't stay in my current role forever because I'm not wildly in love with working in HR. Not only that, but I know that to work on my team would mean long hours, stressful situations, and daily annoyances. I think I can put up with those things if I was in the field/position of my dreams. But then again, how do I know that's true? Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't want to be defined by my career, but that I'd rather live the life I'd like and focus on my extracurricular interests, while simply punching in 9-5.

I know how I am, though. I'd much rather get the law degree and focus on that and then decide down the road that I want to own a surf shop in Maui. I'm just not ready to give up on the career just yet.

being sick is the worst.

Ugh, I hate when I don't feel well and I'm not taking care of my body. I got sent home from work yesterday because of my coughing and nose-blowing, but I had meetings today, so I had to come in. I just can't wait to be back in NYC, in my bed. I desperately need to get better this weekend because I have all these plans next week - Halloween potluck, my first sex ed training course, and then Halloween itself. I also have to pick up my costume and prep for that. Too much craziness. After this trip, I never want to leave New York again unless it's for a permanent move. Seriously.

I don't even have anything remotely interesting to say, just wanted to complain about being sick! I swear I'll be more interesting after 10/27. Watch out for that!

the long day is over.

I'm hoping that this is true because I just cannot work like this anymore. I already have 35 hours of overtime for this pay cycle and Wednesday hasn't even finished yet. I'm starting to get sick and I barely get any sleep anymore since we don't get home til midnight and have to be back at work at 8am. I feel like I'm working in a sweatshop. God help us all. Today, though, we moved out of our war room and are instead back at the normal desks. I'm supposed to grab dinner with a few friends tonight and I'm hoping I get out in time to do it. Actually, I'm hoping I get out in time to take a nap and then meet them for dinner.

All of this craziness this past couple of weeks has really made me think about things. I wonder about what I should do next year - law school or working another year or a job transfer or a new job. Not really sure what the best solution is - I just know I need to start making some decisions before my time runs out. I wish I had time to ponder these things seriously, but no, instead I'm working so hard I can barely think. I really need to figure my shit out.

you always make me feel so good...

TG uttered these words to me on Friday night and I can't help being re-enamored with him. I've spent most of the day replaying out evening/morning and smiling about it. I've turned into one of those silly little girls that I never wanted to be, but I don't really mind it so much. It's kind of nice sometimes, to live inside one's own delusions.

So Tech Guy decided to carve out a day for me and only me, which made me happy. He pisses me off and makes me mad so much, but at the same time, there are so many positives. I'm a very negative person sometimes and he encourages me not to be that way. There's also his drive and ambition, which I admire greatly and which I hope will only encourage me to be more goal-oriented in my own life.

It was a pretty low-key weekend. I took the shuttle to his apartment and we lay in bed, half-napping and cuddling. He put on some music, which of course led to making out. It was different this time, though. I feel like so many of our sexual experiences have just been kissing in order to start the sex process, but this time it felt like we were just kissing because we cared about each other and wanted to show it. He was gentler than normal and it felt really good to just be with him. To feel him touch my new hair and my face and my cheeks and my nose. It was somehow more intimate than anything we'd ever done before. I liked it. Of course, I wanted to escalate, because I'm me and so we did and that was good, too. Then we went to dinner and talked. We talked about where we are in our lives and the stagnation that's overcoming our generation and what we can do to fix it. He asked my advice. I think the one thing I like the most about him is that he values my opinion. He asks me to advise him on important situations and he always listens to me. He trusts me and that's important and special to me. The movie was eh, but I noticed how affectionate he is towards me when we're out. I never really thought any man could make me a fan of PDA, but he's slowly turning me. I like the feeling of knowing that he's proud to be with me when we're out and unafraid to show people that. I never feel like I'm in some closet sexual relationship, but instead he puts everything out there for all to see. I'm horrible at that, personally, but I'm trying to get better.

After the movie, we met up with some of his friends. I learned that so many of the girls that I've been threatened by are just friends and I got to meet his bestie in the city. He was a really nice guy. The bar wasn't really my pace and some of his other friends are douchebags, but bestie was nice and interested in talking to me so it was worthwhile. We left early, though, to go back home. We got in bed and did our usual thing which is when he tossed out the aforementioned quote. I told him that I like to make him happy, which I do. I try hard when we're together to be positive and not mopey. He makes me laugh - I spent about 10 minutes cracking up at a story he told me and I loved the fact that he smiles so hard when I laugh at the things he says. I like making him smile.

He walked me to go get a cab on Saturday morning and told me how truly great it was to see me and how much he enjoyed the time we spent together. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was just nice to see him again. Nice to spend time wih him. I miss him already. Sometimes these things can be so painful.

this trip won't kill me but it may make me stronger.

I've had so many realizations during this trip to California, and I'm only a week and a half in. First of all - I'm dying to go back home. This trip has reaffirmed my love for New York in ways I never thought were possible. I'm not sure what it is - maybe it's the fact that I'm regularly working over 14 hours each day. Maybe it's because TG has been hot and cold and crazy lately. Maybe it's the fact that I'm stuck in the suburbs and not in SF. The point is - I miss New York. A lot. With all of its imperfections, I still miss being there. I miss my friends - hell, I even miss all the stupid things they do to piss me off. I think I'm also having a hard time being cut off from people. This time zone thing is no joke! I can't call my parents and I barely speak to my friends as a result of my crazy work life combined with the 3 hour time difference. It's hard. I miss the fast pace of the city, the fact that people there don't drive at 20 mph, and knowing that there's always something to do.

I think I'm closing my California chapter right now. I'm moving on. I'm ready to cut ties with TG - not necessarily anything permanent or dramatic, just not being so dependent on him for certain things. I'm *gasp* ready to start dating again. I think going to the wedding and meeting new people and seeing how amazing love can make your life has really had a profound effect on me. The cloud is lifting and I'm ready to start living my life again. I have a ton of things that I want to focus on when I get back.

First of all - I need to figure out what will make me the happiest in the future. Right now, my job is making me want to shoot my eyes out and I can't figure out if it's the 80 hour weeks or just the fact that I'm not passionate about what I'm doing 15 hours each day. I need to figure that shit out and quickly. I also need to get my body back into shape. I miss physical activity and eating right and feeling like I'm giving my body what it needs. Instead I'm just giving it junk.

I signed up for the activist council training at Planned Parenthood and I am psyched! I've been dying to learn more about sex education and issues of sexuality and I think this is a fantastic way to get involved. The class meets every Thursday night for a month and I really think I'm going to learn a ton. Then there's the whole Girls in Tech thing that I need to stay on top of. I also want to start going out more in NYC - hanging out with my current friends, turning acquaintances into better friends, and meeting new people to explore the city with.

I'm incredibly tired, beat, and run down right now by work, but I'm really happy about the prospect of switching it up when I get back to Manhattan. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life.

wow, it's been a while!

So I haven't written in forever because my job is taking over my life. I worked 25 hours of overtime last week and we did an 8+ hour day today (yes, on Sunday - fucking shoot me). I was so unhappy the last two hours, I thought I'd walk off the job. I don't know if it's just that I don't want to do the job I'm doing or if I'm just cranky and overworked. It's hard to say.

ANYWAY. Updates! TG has been so hot and cold lately, it's sick. He didn't even try to hang out with me last weekend and then the week rolls around and I get this IM from him about a picture of me online and how sexy I looked in it and how much it turned him on. Then he was offering to come out to the South Bay to spend time with me. It all sounds good to me, but of course my job is preventing me from doing any of it. Plus now he's kind of ignoring me - he's probably mad that I couldn't hang out on Saturday. He did text me while I was at the wedding, though. I was so conflicted about it.

The wedding. Oh, God - the wedding. It was beautiful, amazingly beautiful. Held in Half Moon Bay, CA at the Ritz - the food was perfect, the view was perfect, everything was fabulous. The thing I loved the most was how spectacularly happy the couple looked. You could tell that the two of them were truly in love and that it was simply perfect. They were beautiful together and everyone could feel how special of an occasion this was. I teared up several times during the ceremony.

I also spent a large portion of the night talking to a boy (gasp!). I didn't really think he was interested in me, but roomie seems to think so. We spent a lot of time talking - turns out that we have the same alma mater, graduated the same year, and never met. He was super sweet and kind of my type - you know, dorky, Jewish, sweet. Love it. I did get a hug at the end of the night and I have to Facebook him for sure, but I'm waiting til tomorrow. He's in law school in New Haven, which is hot, and I just had such a sweet time talking to him and dancing. It was really nice. I also felt incredibly comfortable just spending time alone with him. It was the first time in forever that I've been excited about a new guy. Even if nothing comes of it, it's just nice to know that I spent the evening getting to know someone that seemed really worthwhile as a person. Maybe he was just being friendly, but either way, it kind of made me feel like I was almost ready to open myself up again. To think about the possibility of love in my life. I think it's a great first step.