december 31st.

Yes, I know - it's not actually December 31st, but I'm treating tomorrow like it's the New Year, so that makes this New Year's Eve. I've been really doing a lot of soul-searching and thinking lately (and God I love how fucking corny I sound), but I really do want to make some changes in my life. While there's one part of me that would love to be reckless and wild and free and not care about anything, I realize that I'm approaching my mid-twenties and it's time to start settling down a little bit. I've already cut out promiscuous sex - and my, what a struggle that was! Now, I really need to start taking better care of my body and my mind. Which means I'm going to do my darnedest to stop drinking like a sailor on leave. I also need to start working out again. I feel so much better about myself when I'm working out. Add to that more reading and more writing, and I'll be that much close to being more well-balanced.

There's just so much to do - so many ways I can improve, so many things I can do better. I guess I'm just ready to live the life I thought I'd be living and that still requires some major change. All in all, I'm doing okay, though.

back to the grind.

Ew, work. Haha - I miss the weekend already. This was the best lazy weekend ever and it won't be duplicated for a good long while, which is kind of sad. There's really not much new to report on my life. I finally got my room cleaned up - thank God, because it was starting to look awful. Bought a bunch of cleaning supplies for the apartment, which is pretty awesome. Got drunk and spent hours talking to my roommate about everything and anything under the sun.

I'm excited about the prospect of a new life. This new position at work is going to jumpstart that life and hopefully my commitment to adulthood will help with that as well. I'm really looking forward to moving to a new apartment, even though that won't happen until August, but still. It'll be nice to be away from the power plant and in a new space.

I'm feeling okay about doing the single thing for a while. I'm fine with not looking for men and to be honest, the energy just isn't there anymore. I want to continue to go out and meet new people and explore New York, but not in the dating sense, just in the friendship sense. I'm starting to get skeeved out by men for various reasons. I've had a couple of men proposition me in forums in which they should not be propositioning me, which leaves me feeling kind of yuck. I mean, really guys? Really? I'm not going to close myself off, but I'm not actively putting myself out there either. Just going to focus on me for the next few months. I'm gearing up for my trip to California and thinking about heading back to Prov-Prov for Commencement with my girls. All solid, positive things.

This week I intend to be lazy in the beginning, maybe catch drinks with Tall in the middle, and then crazy weekend at the end. Sounds like a plan.

lazy sunday.

I'm up a little later than usual, which sucks, but it's so nice not to have anything to do. The only problem is I also have nothing to eat and it's gross outside. Ugh. That means three trips outside because I'm not cooking today. Eff that. I don't so much as want to boil water, but I have no desire for takeout. I've been losing my appetite lately and have no idea what I want to eat.

This weekend I've spent a lot of time mooning around, thinking about relationships and life and heavy things. All while watching an ungodly amount of television. Somehow I'm hoping that April 1st will come and I will spring up - refreshed and ready to be optimistic again. I very much doubt that this will actually happen, but allow me to have some delusions, okay? Things with The Intellectual are as confusing as ever and I haven't decided what I want to do. College BFF says I should just give him an ultimatum and let him know what's up in my head. This was initially what I wanted to do. Now I'm thinking that I'm just going to disappear, like how he did when we first started dating. Just stop talking to him and focusing on myself. Why does he need to know how I feel? This is the struggle I always have. It's like I don't want anyone to see the cracks in my surface, especially not a man who doesn't appear to really care about me. Why should I let him see me cry? Or see me upset? I don't think he deserves that. Jesus. For someone who's spent their whole life being told she wasn't "black enough" I certainly seem to have the bitter, never-let-them-see-me-sweat, strong black woman thing down.

You know, one of the reasons I keep this blog is keep myself from closing off. I'm one of the coldest, least expressive people I know (at least to the majority of the outside world). This is a place where I can open up about things, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if I can bring the woman who writes this into the real world. It feels too painful and too raw. I don't know if I want to go there with this boy. I thought about just sending an e-mail telling him I was done with things, since God only knows when I'll get a chance to do it in person. That doesn't seem right to me, either. All of the choices seem awful, which means I'm probably going to make the non-choice and just let things die. Why not? I have nothing to lose anymore. It's not worth it to make a production out of things.

rejuvenation weekend.

I've decided to do nothing this weekend but focus on me, myself, and I. It feels good - not going to lie. I haven't made any plans for the weekend and I really don't intend to. I just want to retreat into my room for a while and do the things I need to do to feel rested and well-balanced. Sometimes I find it really exhausting to be a city girl - everything's so fast-paced in New York, and work and social life can get crazy hectic. I rarely spend time doing the things I need to do. Instead, I dash from work to social life to home and back to work again. I need some 'me time,' especially since next week/end are already pretty much booked. I love my family and friends, but I think what might be best for me (at least for a little while) is to go on hermit status. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and it's hard.

Friday was a pretty shitty day for me. I felt like my world was falling down around me and the people closest to me don't even give a shit. Which is hard, because you expect your friends to be there for you and then they aren't and it's like - well, okay. I guess people just have a difficult time dealing with other people's issues. I find that true of myself sometimes. I wish I could be a better friend but sometimes I don't know how to handle difficult things and the reaction to that is to be silent because you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. Maybe that's what's happening here. I don't blame anyone, it just sucks when you feel like you can't have an open, honest discourse about what's going on inside your head with people you trust and love. After freaking out for a bit, I talked to College BFF and it was fine. She managed to "talk me off the ledge" so to speak.

I'm feeling much better now. I've made some decisions and I think that April is going to be a fabulous month for me. I have a new role in my company starting Wednesday (ZOMG - so excited!!!), I'm going to refocus on my body and fixing it, I plan on taking a break from the dating scene, and I want to start trying to be more active in the black community. That's what I want from April. It may be a little difficult since work is going to be crazy and I have yet another trip to California planned, but I am usually at my best when I'm at my busiest, so that's a good thing.

Things are looking up. I refuse to be pessimistic. Life, as always, will go on whether you like it or not. I'm ready.

i'm tired.

No, seriously. I'm really fucking tired. Like physically exhausted. I don't know what the hell is up with me, but I can barely keep awake during the day. At least I managed not to pass out early like a freak last night. I'm contemplating staying home tomorrow or taking a half-day. I have meetings until 2 pm, but after that I think I plan on peacing out and going to sleep until my phone date with MB. I have a sorority sister staying with me, but she's literally just sleeping at my place, so I imagine I'll be pretty dull and boring on Friday night and I have no other plans for the weekend.

Unsure if I should see what the Intellectual is up to. We haven't talked since Sunday, which is okay now, because I'm sort of used to not communicating with him often. It's almost like I'm weaning myself off of contact with him. Even though I've had some pretty hot daydreams about him recently. Haha. I'm such a pervert - it's really nuts. I just don't know what to do next or if I'm even pursuing this. I want him like whoa, but I'm also very tired and don't know if I have the stamina to really give this the attention it deserves. Its a difficult thing. I need advice. Maybe when I can stay up long enough to receive it, I'll ask for some. Sigh.

Life is blah lately. I'm excited for next weekend - we have so many things planned - birthday parties, broadway show, movies, housewarming, comedy show. Hopefully I feel better by then! =)

health issues.

I hate being on blood thinners. I'm just going to put that out there. Yesterday, I left work early because I was feeling a little off. I went to bed at 5:30 PM thinking I'd have a nice nap until 7 pm. 11:30 pm comes and I finally wake up, feeling like I could sleep even longer. Ugh - who takes a 6 hour nap? Of course, I shortly discovered the reason for my craziness - I have my period. It's like my body can't handle the drugs combined with the period and it goes on the fritz. I'm dizzy, tired, can barely keep my eyes open even after a long period of rest. I had this ridiculous spasm/cramp in my lower back that pretty much forced me to collapse. So now I have to make a doctor's appointment over that. UGH. Why can't I be young and healthy and whole? Why am I broken? I hate it. It bothers me when I can't even control my own body's reactions. God help me.

I miss not worrying about health issues, when the only thing that bothered me was stupid cosmetic stuff. Now I have a "condition" that will follow me around for most of my life and will require me to be on crazy meds forever. When I decide I want a child, I'm going to have to shoot myself up in the stomach every day with blood thinners. I get so angry sometimes. I know that life isn't fair and all that, but that doesn't make it any less shitty. It's yet another annoyance I have to deal with.

So now, I'm going to try and reconnect with some folks from my support group and see if anyone else has/is having these issues. I guess it's nice that I have that outlet to get more information, bitch, moan, and complain. Gotta love how I took The Pill for one fucking month and over a year later, I'm still dealing with the consequences. Sigh.

first date, the remix.

I agreed to go out with The Intellectual for dinner on Sunday evening. He texted me in the afternoon to see if I wanted to meet at Chat n Chew, this cute little place in Union Square. It's funny because I remember when one of my sorority sisters was living in NYC we tried to go all the time, but it was always closed. Now it's open, and that's where I ended up meeting him on Sunday at 7. 

Of course I was running late because I felt I needed to look perfect, so I re-showered and put on my favorite long-sleeved cotton dress that's clingy and sort of low-cut, paired with cute silver tights and my black ankle-length books. Roomie said I looked hot. It was also the outfit I wore on our first real date, wayy back in October. I got there and he was already sitting at the table, waiting for me. He looked so good. Khakis and this tight polo shirt that showed off exactly how well-muscled he is. Every so often the sleeves would ride up a little and I'd see a little peek of his dragon tattoo, which drove me crazy. I literally could think of nothing else but getting him naked. Honestly, folks, I don't think you understand. This man's body is like a work of art - when he's completely unclothed it's truly heavenly. But, I digress. So I got there and apologized for running late. Told him I'd had a movie thing (didn't want him to think I'd gotten dressed up for him). "That's an awfully nice dress to just go to a movie," he commented. I smiled and didn't say anything.

We sat down and started talking. We talked a lot about relationships and sex and men and women. I walked him through my relationship past, starting out with my very first boyfriend in 6th grade and leading to Tech Guy. In detail. He told me about talking to his ex about the ways he had screwed her up and how he was looking for patterns in his relationships so that he doesn't repeat them. Then we had an interesting conversation about sex. He says he thinks that women sometimes use sex to lure a man into relationships and that that's not the best way to go about it. It seems like he really does value getting to know a woman and her personality over sex. Which of course means that I have to tone the sex down dramatically if I want to be with him, because that's not his thing. I told him that the thing I loved about TG was the fact that he was vocal about how he felt about me and that I never worried about it. "Is that supposed to be some sort of hint?" he teased. I told him no, because it really wasn't, but it is something that I struggle with when it comes to him. Not knowing how he feels. 

The conversation was good and I enjoyed spending time with him. When the bill hit the table, he told me he would take care of it, which surprised me (maybe it was a date). It was nice of him to cover it and I told him so. Then we headed out - he asked me what I was doing, I told him I was going to walk, so he offered to walk me to the 1st ave L station. He was kind of affectionate during the date. Whenever he would tease me, he would either grab my hand or put his arm around me. It was nice. He did it a lot - I liked it, even though it made me want him more. We were talking about this woman I had met at my movie meetup and I said I really liked her.

he: Did you get her number?

me: I'm not really good at 'dating women.'

he: Neither am I.

me: Trust me, I know.

Hahaha - he laughed at that and we kept walking until we hit 1st Ave. He told me he had to go finish up this story he was workshopping for his final class on Tuesday, which was about 5 days late. We did the whole cheek kiss thing and he told me we'd be in touch to hang out again. Sigh. I went home and didn't know if I wanted to cry, take a cold shower, or do a bit of both. I texted him to tell him thanks for the dinner and he texted back saying it was no problem and telling me to have a good night.

I just really like him and I know I was so mad at him over taking forever to call, but it's because I really do care about him. When I see him, everything just sort of melts away and I'm instantly attracted and intrigued. I don't know why I like him, but I do. He's a mystery to me and I love getting frustrated trying to figure him out. He's inquisitive, he asks questions, and he legitimately seems to want to avoid hurting me. I like that about him - I don't think he wants to cause me any pain, but that doesn't mean that he won't end up doing so eventually. Sigh. This is difficult.

end of the weekend.

So much happening right now. First of all, I actually ventured outside of my apartment to hang out with kids from the alma mater(?!?!?). I really need to do it more often. It was KR's birthday, so all of the fabulous alpha gays were out in full force. LOVE them. I just had a really good time, chilling and chatting with old friends and some new ones. I really need to stop being such a hermit when it comes to college things. Half of the boys had no idea I was living in NYC - that's how holed up I am. I tend to seclude myself and really only hang with people I was super-tight with at school or do the high school thing. I need to get over my social phobia. I think going to some alumni events could be good for me. I mean, college was amazing for me and I feel like I had a really unique experience that can really only be shared with fellow grads of _______ University. I'm super excited that my new boss and I went to the same school! It makes me like her more - haha.

In other news, that fucker texted me last night. UGH. So I agreed to see him today, possibly. We'll see if he comes through or not. I'm waiting for him to cancel on me. He has a "short story" due for his writing class that he was blabbering about. Whatevs. We'll see. If anything, I'd really just like to have sex. HAHA - yeah, I've reverted back to being 'that girl' and I don't give a shit. In the words of the BFF - "I mean, I don't know when the next time I'll have sex will be, so I might as well take advantage of any opportunity presented." And that is why her and I get along so well.

Lastly, I have a fuckton of shit to get done today. I have some work for my new team that I really need to jump on top of. I also need to clean and doing taxes would be nice so I can get that refund money. Oh, and a short story of my own for Wednesday's class. So I should get on top of that - definitely.

status check.

Yesterday pretty much sucked. Sometimes I'm truly surprised at how angry I can get when it comes to men. I don't even know where all of that emotion came from. I guess I have to learn not to put all my eggs in one basket. I just hate when you think something is going really well and then all of a sudden, you realize it's not what you thought. I'm under no delusions - I don't expect a relationship to be easy or simple, but there are some basic things that shouldn't be an issue. Interest, for me, is one of those. So is being true to your word. If you say you're going to do something, do it, and if you're not interested, just say that. I can't take uncertainty.

I also question the integrity of someone who puts themselves out there - joining a dating site and all - and then seems to have no interest in being in a relationship. Really? Really?! From now on, I feel like that's going to be my first question should I decide to dip my toe back in that pool. I want to know if these men are interested in having a real, lasting connection. After years of being wishy-washy, I can't do it anymore. I really do want more than that and I think I deserve more than that.

What I really think I need to do is to take some time and focus on my life, instead of funneling all of this energy into men. I want to start focusing on improving my body, my mind, my job, and my life in New York. I've joined some meetup groups and I'm hoping to meet some new people, all while nurturing the friendships I currently have. I think this is the best plan for me right now. I don't want to completely shut men out, but I need to decide on a game plan for if and when I am interested in getting back out there.

slightly frustrated.

I debated even blogging about this, but because I'm having one of my many existential crises over writing/blogging/sharing my life via the internet, I can't think of anything else to write, so why not?

So, I'm supposed to hang out with The Intellectual this weekend, right? So when we decide on this - he's like, "I'll let you know closer to Friday what days work for me." It's Friday and I haven't heard anything from him and I'm just like WTF?! Honestly, I can't deal with this shit anymore. I think I'm just over it. I have my own unique set of issues, but if I can decide that I'm ready to move forward and try and make things happen, I expect someone to try and meet me at least halfway. I'm not really getting anything from him. I can't even really put into words what I feel about the situation. I just can't seem to figure him out and while, yes, that's attractive in a way, I just can't deal with the uncertainty. And, to keep it real - I think I deserve better than that. I'm always bitching about friends and acquaintances dating men and women that aren't good for them, don't treat them well, whatever. So it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. I'm just not gonna stand for bullshit anymore. I'm an intelligent woman, with a pretty good job, a good head on my shoulders, and while not beautiful, I'm certainly not ugly. I can and will do better than someone who doesn't seem to really even care about having a friendship/relationship with me.

I don't really have a plan of action moving forward. I just need to start focusing on taking care of myself. I've pretty much lost faith in men and it's making me bitter and hard-hearted and angry. I'm just so fucking angry all the time. I can't take it anymore. I'm over it. 

Anyway, this weekend is shaping up to be fun. Seeing 'I Love You, Man' with the favorites and 'Sunshine Cleaning'. Celebrating KR's birthday on Saturday night. Hopefully tonight, I'll get some cleaning done and plow through my TiVo queue. Yay!

this bores me...

... anyone up for a game of basketball? --- Sorry, I couldn't resist dropping in a Chappelle Show quote.

Anyhow, I'm tired of blogging. I really am - I don't know why. Maybe it's a block, maybe it's growing up, maybe I'm just in a lull, but all of my writing skills have sort of *poof* disappeared. I'm supposed to write a short story for my writing class and I have no inspiration - nothing. I keep trying to get up the motivation to launch a new blog project that I think I could really get excited about, but I've failed in regards to that, too. I just need some time to rest and recharge, but my social life has gotten OOC this week. I'm hoping for a (relatively) calm weekend, with lots of time to clean and think and write and brainstorm.

I'm just in a crappy mood right now, probably related to lack of sleep and the fact that my room is a nightmare. Hopefully I'll get more interesting soon.

random updates since i don't feel like posting anything of substance...

I'm being hella lazy today and I have no idea why. I just don't feel like writing a proper entry, so here's what's up with me - the bullet list version.

• I have a date with The Intellectual. Dinner this weekend - exact location and date TBD, but I'm thinking this is positive. I'm worried I'm going to screw it up though. I need to wear something cute and I need to try not to jump across the table during our dinner and rip all of his clothes off. Maybe I'll take a light sedative before I go out and then I'll have no energy to do any clothes-ripping. Hmm. Something to consider.
• I never thought I could have so much fun with people who've known me since the age of 9, but last night out with the hometown crew was a ton of fun and I didn't even drink a drop. I'm incredibly lucky when it comes to friends.
• My room is a shithole. Seriously. It looks like a frat boy lives there. No, scratch that - 3 frat boys. I need to get on that.
• I learned how to use a plunger last night. I'm sure my roommate thinks I'm the dumbest person ever. It was embarrassing. 
• Someone has whacked me with the social stick because I have been going out every night this week. I think someone needs to whack me with the hermit stick because all this going out is not good for my sleeping schedule. Up tonight - dinner with a sorority sister who's in town, followed by some 10 pm bar thing I promised Jamz I'd go to. It's mad close to my apt, though, so it's all good.

Okay, time to get back to work. Fiction writing workshop at 12 pm and I have some shit I need to do before then.

losing my damn mind...

Wow, yesterday was seriously intense. I don't know what happened, but my tolerance or something was wonky and two margaritas had me ready to pass out. Last night, I hung out with Tall - my mock trial drinking buddy. We were trying this new thing called moderation. Yeah, moderation. Haha. We were actually pretty good about it - I had two drinks and some tacos. Not too expensive or debauched. However, I was a little drunk and probably told Tall wayyy too much about my obsession with The Intellectual. Then I got incredibly obsessed with getting my Girl Scout Cookies so I booked it out of TriBeCa and ran home to get my cookies. I promptly ate about 5 cookies and passed out in my bed, fully clothed at 9:30 pm. I got up at about 2 AM wired as hell and thirsty. Was up for another 2 hours stalking. Yes, stalking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a problem. A serious problem. I've become one of those crazy bitches I've always made fun of. I've never been the type to read a guy's e-mail or go through his phone or anything, but I'm afraid if I continue on this path I'm going to become that girl. I'm just so sprung over this guy that it's made me crazy. I sent out a pleading IM to BFF begging her to tell me what's wrong with me. I guess it's just been hard dating someone who is not only emotionally unavailable, but has so many female friends. All these fucking girls writing on his wall and then the pictures - it's just rough. I'm trying to trust that he was honest when he told me it's not another girl, but I find it hard to do.

However, in my snoop mode I found some good things. One - the picture is gone. He's taken down the pic of him and the pretty girl. Two - his profile is officially off Match. So I'm hopeful. Of course, this could mean nothing, but it makes me really happy. I'm going to ask him out sometime soon. For a real proper dinner. I'm hoping that once I see him, my ridiculous craziness will stop and I will finally not be the batshit insane creep I've been in the past week and a half. I really think all I can do is see him in person and get a better sense of what he's thinking and feeling. Right now I'm driving myself insane trying to guess. I have a hopeful feeling, though. I always trust my gut - it's usually right. So we shall see.

Hopefully this is the last entry about this issue because I'm tired of talking about boys. I had a very interesting thought about sex and sexuality and black women's bodies, but instead I'm talking about some man. Grr. The feminist inside me is shrieking. =P

in which i am honest...

I'm a liar. Not in the conventional sense. I don't tell people I weigh 125 pounds or that my green eyes are real, but I am incredibly secretive. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a lie. Like the person I am at work - not really me. I'm polite and considerate and bend over backwards to please. The real me is a drinking, cursing, selfish mess. I just know how to put my best face forward. When it comes to my parents, I definitely live a double life. I mean, I've never told my mom about anyone I've dated. I keep my mouth shut when my parents make anti-gay remarks and they certainly don't know that I keep a blog in which I post about sex and sexuality. I feel like I have to hide the essence of who I am sometimes. My parents, while wonderful people, are very socially conservative and my mother is the most opinionated person on earth. She wouldn't really take kindly to the hedonistic side of my life. If my parents knew how much I drink, or what drugs I've done, or how many men I've hooked up with, they'd probably have a heart attack. So I keep it under wraps. However, last night, I made a major breakthrough in the relationship I have with my folks. I finally told them something that I never thought I would.

Let's take a step back, though. I'm sure you're dying to hear about The Intellectual (and by you - I mean Senior Year Roommate, who is nagging me to update =P). Basically I spent the weekend trying not to think about him and failing miserably. I wondered if I'd cave and text, but I didn't want to be a nag. I wanted him to come to me. And he did. Yay! He sent me a text message last night, asking me how I was getting adjusted to being back from Cali. Of course my motherflippin phone was all kinds of fucked up and I got it about 4 hours after he sent it - #$#@(%*^!!!! Anyhow, I responded back. Haven't heard back from him yet, but ya'll know how he is with text. I was just so happy that he was thinking about me and sent me a message. It gave me some hope.

So back to my parents. Last night, I was talking on the phone with both my mother and father - they love speaker phone. My mom asked me if there were any black men (rolls eyes... why can't she just ask about men). I asked her if she meant at my job (we'd been talking about work) or in my life in general. She said both, so I told her about The Intellectual. It was so strange. I don't know why I did it. I mean, he could disappear tomorrow. But I guess I just wanted to be honest. Because now maybe I can open that door to talk to my mom about the men I date. OH! Almost forgot - I told her I met him online. As in, I was 100% honest. There were no lies. I cannot believe it! I'm flipping out! She asked a ton of questions about him and made me send her a picture (hi, nosy!). I loved the questions, though. My dad asked me if he had all of his teeth! HAHA. My mom commented on his earring and I told them he has a tattoo - heh. It was an interesting conversation, but it was handled much better than I thought. I mean, my dad never wants to know about that stuff, so I'm glad he didn't just hang up the phone. I think the age difference was a little weird for them. "He's damn near 30!" my father said. They were good about it, though. So now, maybe I can get my mom's perspective on how I'm going to try and handle our current situation.

Anyway, this is scattered and all over the place, and I need to go back to work, but that's where we stand. Yeah.

patience is a virtue...

... but I have no patience for virtues. I know that 'good things come to those who wait' and all, but I honestly just don't know if I can handle the level of uncertainty that comes with trying to woo someone who has so much emotional relationship baggage (yes, I'm still talking about The Intellectual). I honestly never imagined I could meet a man who is more fucked up about dating than I am. I mean, I've had some truly shining moments when it comes to men. I've frequently been accused of being "secretive," "mysterious," and "having no soul." Yet now, when I'm ready to quit it with the bitchiness and get real, I'm with someone who seems to have all those qualities I was once criticized for. It's like the universe is playing some sick, cruel joke on me. I have no idea how to handle it, really.

I've been thinking about trying to get back on the horse again. I mean, I'm a firm believer that in order to get over one man, you need to get on top of another one, but I just don't know if I have the patience for that. I mean, a year or two ago, I would just bounce back, hit up a club or a party or something and find some guy who could make me forget about my problems, if only for 30 minutes. I'm over that phase. I've decided to be "sexually responsible" or whatever that means. Grrr. So I'm keeping my legs closed until I feel like I actually respect the guy. I honestly should have been born a man. This whole ordeal would be so much easier for me. If I end up 'sexless in the city' again, I'm going to kill someone. 

Anyhow, this weekend I'm going to forget about him and spend time with the high school crew - partying and movie-ing and hanging out. Then on Sunday, I'll figure out what I want to do and how I want to handle him. Getting advice from various sources has led me to believe that the convo he and I had is not necessarily a bad thing, but I definitely feel like I'm taking two steps back. In the meantime I resolve to stay away from alcohol and boys until I know I won't do something stupid.

so i finally called him...

Sorry for taking forever to update about the latest situation with The Intellectual. I've been ridiculously tired from jet lag and red eye flights, so I'm sure I will not do this story justice, but here's what happened.

I turned into a crazy, psycho bitch stalker for a hot minute and managed to find the chick in his picture. Now, keep in mind - I had no name, nothing. And yet, through strength, perseverance, and the will of God (or maybe Satan), I managed to find out exactly who she was. Damn, I'm good. So yeah, after all this crazy stalking, I finally decided to just call the motherfucker and see what was up because I was too upset to get on the plane without doing something. So I called.

"Hey you..." he answered after a few rings. "It's so good to hear your voice." This is me melting because he's turned me into a sap. So you know me - I don't waste any time. I asked him what was up and he was telling me how he's been thinking about relationship stuff and working through those kind of issues. I asked him point blank if he was seeing someone else. He was amused by that, laughed, and told me that he wasn't. He said I could check with any of his people - there's no one else. He then happened to casually mention the picture he'd put up on facebook and how his friends have been commenting on it. He then told me that this was his friend, gave me her name and where she's from (confirming that my stalking abilities are fucking amazing!) and that she was just visiting and in town for a weekend. He told me that he's dated people while we were together, but that he assumed I had too (which is true) and that he hasn't been intimate with anyone but me, nor does he want another woman. I'm not gonna lie, this made me immensely happy. I think that was my worst case scenario - that he was banging some other chick that he liked better than me. I would've DIED.

So he continued on, telling me that he really likes coming over and hooking up and he loves our conversations and thinks we have amazing chemistry together, but (yes... there's always a but), he wants us to stop with the physical because he's not really in a place right now where he wants to get serious and he doesn't want to have sex anymore if it's not going to be a real thing. And he's not ready for a real thing. I told him that I liked him (he seemed shocked) and that I enjoy spending time with him and think we have a real connection. I told him I understand where he's coming from and I can respect his desire not to be physical. He says he still wants to hang out - that he wants to go out and still talk and communicate like before because he enjoys having me as part of his life, but that we "probably shouldn't hang out in your bedroom." I told him I understood if he wants to stop the hooking up - he interrupted by telling me he doesn't want to stop but that he thinks it's for the best. He mentioned his insecurities and his commitment-phobia and how he just has all this baggage that he's trying to work through.

Sigh. So that leaves me where I always seem to be - confused and slightly frustrated. I'm happy that he's not seeing anyone else and that he doesn't seem to want to see anyone else, but I'm sad that he doesn't feel like we can be something. I mean, maybe he wants to see me in a more 'datelike' setting, instead of just cuddling in bed, but I struggle so much with pulling things back. I am incredibly physically attracted to this man - he is hotter than hot and he's incredibly good at everything he does. He also appeals to me on a cerebral level - I love talking to him and I love that I can be real with him. There's no falseness, no pretense. Bottom line is this: I want him. I desperately want him and I am not going to back off or run away without a fight. Anything worth having is worth fighting for and I am going to do whatever it takes to try and secure this man. I'm just going to have to take a different approach. I don't think it'll be easy, but you know me - I love a challenge. Seduction is probably my favorite activity, outside of drinking - haha. So I just need to strategize, come up with a game plan, and execute.

This might actually be fun.

i knew it was only a matter of time...

... before I had a full scale freak-out over The Intellectual. UGH. This boy frustrates me and I'm so afraid I'm going to get the heave-ho when I get back from NYC. All these mixed signals, combined with the fact that I am an insane facebook stalker who's insecure and freaks out at the smallest sign of discord. WARNING AND DISCLAIMER: After you read this entry you're going to think I'm the craziest bitch on the planet and I probably am, but this is what's going on in my head, so I need to express it. If you want to maintain respect for me, I suggest you either read this with a forgiving eye or just don't read it at all. =) My one saving grace is that I haven't done anything outwardly crazy to *him* - it's just all in my head.

Recap of events:

I leave for SF and we have that text exchange I mentioned in my last entry about him. I get to SF, lay low. I poke him on FB. He pokes back. I send him a message. He messages me back and asks me when I'm coming back from SF. I message him and tell him and ask when we're going to get together again. I don't hear anything back from him, but then he pokes me again and writes on my wall. I poke him back. Later that night, I text him asking him how NYC is doing and if he wants to make plans for the weekend. I hear nothing back, but that's cool cuz he sucks at text messaging. Then I look on facebook and he's changed his photo and it's him with this girl, who's really pretty. It could be a couple pic, it could not be - I have no idea. He doesn't have a Single status, so there's no way for me to tell. The girl doesn't look familiar and I haven't seen her in his list of friends or anyone who's written on his wall. It still worries me. I mean, it could be his fucking sister - I don't know, but I'm panicking. Then I get a text back from him this morning (at like 4:42 PDT - I was totally awake, though), reading: "NYC is good. A little rainy. I can't get together this weekend. I'll explain later, though. ttys."

Explain?! What does he have to explain? Explaining is never good. Explaining is bad. Explaining is what happened to me when TG told me in August that he couldn't spend the night in my hotel and had to talk to me about something. Explaining is when a guy tells you that he's met someone else. That he's not into you. That he has some sort of disease. That it's been "real" but it's time to end it. UGH. I haven't responded yet because I'm afraid that my inner psycho is going to reveal itself. So I'm just laying low and twiddling my thumbs.

Yes, I have become "that girl" who freaks out about everything. Luckily, if you ran into me in the elevator or spoke to me in a meeting, you'd have no idea. But this is what's swirling around in my head. Lovely.

Please don't judge me too harshly.

Working from San Francisco

I'm currently sitting in the San Francisco office, at a round table near the window, overlooking the Bay Bridge. The view is spectacular. I can see all the palm trees and the Bay. I'll say one thing - no matter where I live, it has to be near the water. The thought of being landlocked or having to drive over an hour to see water would make me really sad. This also reminds me that I'd like to take a little trip to the beach when I get back to NYC. I always loved going to the beach on off-season as a child and I wouldn't mind taking another trip. It's very calming.

I really like working out of this office. I feel so anonymous. I don't know anyone - I can come and go as I please and no one is monitoring the work that I do. It's just me, myself, and I. Amazing! =) Tonight, I plan on leaving a little early and heading to the Haight to check out my old neighborhood, maybe read outside in Golden Gate Park, since it's pretty warm out. Then I'll meet up with MB and Blondie for dinner and drinks at The Alembic. God, I really do miss this place. I need to find similar restaurants and bars in NYC to get excited about. I think when spring finally gets rolling, I'll be more motivated to go out and explore the city. Cannot wait!

Okay - I have a crapload of work to get finished, so let me go take care of that. So far everything is still pleasant! 

refreshed!

Wow, I'm strangely awake this morning, even after losing an hour. I'm really excited for it to be light out after work. That really does make all of the difference. I feel more compelled to work out, be social, and spend time outside of the apartment when it's nice out at 5pm. Cannot wait for the spring to roll around.

I'm really invigorated right now. I think this trip to California was exactly what I needed. It's been great to get out of the 'big city' and see some of my friends and how their lives are shaping up. This is such an exciting time for all of us - there's so much change happening. Where are we going with our careers? Our relationships? Where are we going to live? What about advanced degrees? Everyone just seems poised on the edge of doing really exciting, life-changing things. I've been most impressed with Blondie and how she's really taking control of her life. It's inspiring to me and makes me want to do the same. I truly do believe that anyone can be happy anywhere, if you just give it time and a bit of effort. I have a ridiculously wonderful base and foundation with my life in New York, but I'm ready to build upon it. I really like making experiences my own and I need to do some of that in Manhattan.

I want to savor this moment and use it wisely. Everything appears to be coming together for me right now and I'm praying to God that the pieces keep lining up. I need to figure out what I want and then focus on making it happen. I've been pretty good about that in the past - so I just need to remember all the different people I've been in my life and how far I've come. I've wanted so many things in this life and so many of them have worked out for me due to hard work, diligence, and an adventurous spirit. I'm ready to be adventurous again. I'm ready to focus on me and my dreams and goals. The one thing I've always wanted was to be completely and totally self-actualized. I need to remember this and move forward.

I'm excited already. =)

San Francisco!

I'm loving being here right now. I mean, people seem to think I hated California, but that simply wasn't true. All things considered, had I not almost died, I probably wouldn't have moved to New York. With that said, I am having a great time here. Absolutely wonderful. Last night, Freshman Year Best Friend picked me up and we went to Taqueria Cancun, which was just as good as ever. Stopped to MB's to drop my stuff off and then headed over to The View - the bar in the Marriott Hotel. It was a lot of fun. Got to see Blondie (my old roommate) and her new man, who I really really like. I'm so happy that she's happy! It's good to see her at a good place in her life. I just had a lot of fun and it made me think of all the things I miss out here. It's nice to relax. I love staying in MB's apartment because it's in one of my favorite neighborhoods. I plan on going out tonight, most likely clubbing, and tomorrow doing coffee with Ace. Fun times!

I'm really enjoying relaxing and meandering around. One of the best things about visiting SF is that I know exactly where everything is and I have a lot of autonomy to come and go as I please and lots of friends to visit and catch up with. It's awesome!

Sent the Intellectual a Facebook message and he responded back asking when I'm coming in. I have yet to reply to him, but I think I'm going to see if he wants to do dinner or a movie with me on Friday or Sunday. Then we'll talk. Scary scary scary! But, exciting! Yay! Okay, anyway, I should get this show on the road. Time to do more exploring!

headed to californ-i-a.

I'm leaving today at 4:40 PM to go to San Francisco and I'm totally stoked. I think this vacation is exactly what I need. I'll get to see some old friends, get some alone time, stay at a hotel, and check out the San Francisco office. I'm really excited. I'm nervous about the training and hoping that I come off as being competent and intelligent to my new team. I feel like so much is riding on this and I want to do this job well.

It'll be nice to get out of Manhattan and spend some time in the Bay Area. Slower pace, better weather =) Wondering if I'll see TG. Not really sure - he IMmed yesterday and maybe he'll make an overture, who knows? Not sure if I want to see him.

Anyhow, I have like 50 million things to do before 2 pm when I leave for the airport, so I better get crackin! I'll try and update while I'm out there.

i'm slowly starting to like this boy more and more.

So, I suck at relationships. You all know this - I've been blogging for 5 and a half fricking years and some of you have been there for all of that, so you know. Hell, you could've read this blog for 5 days and you'd know. Anyhow, The Intellectual is pretty much on my brain like 99% of the time. I think about him, I daydream about him, I fantasize about him on a pretty consistent basis. I am afraid. So afraid. I'm shaking inside because I have no idea what's next. So we exchanged this series of texts.

me: I'm heading to CA from Fri til next Thurs, so maybe we'll hang out next weekend when I get back

he: Absolutely! And you'd better bring me back a souvenir too. ;-)

me: Haha. I thought I was enough of a souvenir ;)

he: First of all, you're the best "souvenir" any guy can ask for. I've got a question, though. I've already scheduled my Match subscription to end soon, but how would I "hide" my profile also? Safe trip! ;-)

EEEEK. What does this all mean? I mean, we talked about ending our subscriptions, but not in relation to each other. Why is he telling me? Is this a friendly - I honestly don't know how to do this process of hiding my profile? Or is it like a - I'm telling you this so you know and so you can tell that I'm getting serious about being with you. What does it mean?! 

Anyway, I've resolved (before this chat) to have a talk with him when I get back because I need to know before I get any more hurt than I already have the potential to be. Good lord this dating thing is CONFUSING.

visions of success.

I've really been thinking a lot about questions of success and identity. I guess I always think about these things, but lately they've been nagging me more frequently. I spend most of my time nowadays listening to the soundtrack from The Last Five Years, which is about the disintegration of a marriage as two twenty-somethings in NYC try (and fail, in some cases) to find success in their careers. While the husband in the couple is finding success as a writer, his wife's acting career is floundering.

I'm not in a relationship now, obviously, but I still think about whether or not I could be happy if I wasn't where I wanted to be and my significant other was on the fast track with his career. I also wonder if I'll meet a man who would be strong enough to deal with my success if he wasn't where he envisioned himself. I guess it's complicated.

This is a really exciting time for me, in many respects. I'm getting ready to take a job that I think is perfect for me - something I can really get excited about. Highly visible, tons of work, a vital role within HR. I'm getting more and more excited each day because I think I'm taking those first steps towards being happy in my career, even though I still plan on going to law school. This will be a good chance for me to step up and do important work and get noticed and recognized for it. I only hope I can rise to the challenge. Outside of the career thing, I really do want to make other things work for me as well. I'd really like to find a solid man that I can care about, who will care about me. I want something real - not sex-driven or boredom-driven. I want to be with someone for who they are; I want to feel excited about somebody else. I'm trying with this boy, but I have no idea how it'll turn out. I have a good feeling, but who knows? I also want to get my shit together - I want to cook and clean and be domestic and have everything together. I want to like myself and my life again. I want everything in sync. 

Now, I know that this will probably never happen. I know maybe two women who I think have their shit together all the time, and I will never be that kind of woman. I am erratic, crazy, moody, borderline bipolar sometimes. But I'm hoping to find some sort of calm in the eye of the storm. I love being busy and I love change and dynamic action. I think I'm really ready for good things to happen to me. I'm ready to grow up.

let's start this roller coaster again.

Okay, so now I've decided that I like him. The Intellectual, that is. I actually honest-to-God like him and want something more than what we're doing now. I just want to be more of a part of his life and have him be more of a part of mine. And yet, I feel like I'm hitting a wall. I texted him today to see if he wanted to get together this week. He took a while to respond and said this week isn't good - maybe this weekend or next week. Sigh. I'm going to Cali this weekend/next week, so it means next weekend at the earliest, which is such a long time when you're trying to establish some sort of relationship.

So I'm unsure of what to do. Let me just put my insecurities about this out there so I can just get them out of my head. First of all, he's so hard to contact. Honestly. Sometimes he's around and he's vocal and everything and then other times he'll disappear without a trace. He's never been good at text messaging (although, he's getting better with me as time goes on). It's just frustrating to never really be able to pin him down. Then there's the whole 'we only hang out at my house' thing. It's odd because it doesn't feel like a booty call or anything. It's always planned out days in advanced and it's not like he comes over and then just starts ripping my clothes off. We talk to my roommate, and then to each other, and we sit at the kitchen table and talk about how our days went and work. We watch TV together and cuddle and snuggle. The hooking up is always the last stage and it always takes a while to get there and when it's over, we cuddle and snuggle again and talk some more. We communicate via text/IM in between the times we're not hooking up. He remembers my friends and my stories and my worries. He's sweet and kind and tells me I'm pretty and that he's attracted to me. He calls me captivating and fascinating. And yet, I don't know where he's at and I'm afraid to spook him by asking. What he wants from me, what he sees this as, whether he wants a relationship. I feel like the conversation has to happen, but I don't want to force it too soon. I want to go with the flow, but sometimes it's hard. I just have to remind myself to take things slowly, but it feels like everything is going too slowly.

Anyway, this is where I am. I'm a mess, as per usual, but I guess it's not so bad. I live for drama.