dating update.

With all of the birthday hoopla and train updates, I forgot to write about my date and this new guy I I'm seeing. I guess one date and one planned for Friday means he should get a nickname. I am going to call him Mr. History because I can't think of anything clever right now. We were supposed to go out like two weeks before our first date. He IMmed me on OKC with a history podcast recommendation (so geeky - I love it) and we talked for about an hour. He immediately asked me out for that weekend, but ended up having to cancel due to work. We had a makeup date scheduled, but he canceled again because he was sick. I was pretty much like UGH, fuck this, and completely wrote him off. We'd exchanged numbers, though, and he just kept texting me while he was on his family vacation (hence why we had to delay planning a date). He would ask about my day, send me pictures of what he was doing, and shoot the shit. I was kind of like - meh, this guy is so weird - but I honestly think he just wanted to make sure I knew that he wasn't fucking around with me. After talking for a while, I told him I was going on a train trip on Monday morning and since he was getting back from vacation on Sunday afternoon, I assumed we wouldn't see each other. However, he made the effort and he got off the plane around 5pm and met me in SF (he lives in Berkeley) for dinner at 8pm. A for Effort!

Our date was nice, not my usual epic 6-8 hour date, but a nice dinner and drinking thing. He's easy to talk to. He's also super dorky, which I like. We bonded over Game of Thrones and reading shitty fantasy books when we were kids. We're both history majors, so that's another thing in common. He's cute, but he could be cuter - haha. What I mean by that is, he seems to be afflicted with the typical fashion style of most Bay Area IT nerds. He wore this terrible hat, which I thought was concealing some kind of male pattern baldness, but when he took it off, he has a full head of hair. So I guess he just likes the hat? Anyway, I'm being shallow, which is unlike me. Let me stop. He took me to this dive bar afterwards. Like a really seedy dive. As we were coming in, the bartender was offering this toothless old woman a pack of matches if she left and never returned. We got whiskey and chatted more. His parents were hippies and had an interesting story, so I liked hearing about that. He asked me if I liked David Bowie and I made a face like I had eaten a lemon, to which he replied, "No, I totally get it. White people music. I get it." That made me laugh because it's true. He's super Jewish, which obviously, I enjoy. I wanted to beat him when we started talking about Harry Potter (he's not a fan), but I like that he has opinions and shares them. He seems a little fiesty, which could be good for me. You all know I can't stand a pushover.

After dinner, he walked me to the bus stop and then we did the awkward looking at each other thing and he kissed me. I was nervous about missing the bus, though (and I'm an awkward hot mess around PDA), so I kept pulling away (THE BUS WAS COMING IN ONE MINUTE! I was nervous!). We both said we had a good time and wanted to do it again soon. He texted me like immediately after the date while I was on the bus and we chatted for a bit. He told me to keep him updated on the train trip. I sent him some train pictures, but I wasn't sure if he was still into it since our texts were short. Then, he called me on Friday night. Boys never call me. Or at least, I don't date men who call. I date boys who text me, which is shitty. I like that he just manned up and called. We talked for a little bit and then he wanted to see when I was back. I wanted to go out on Wed, but he said Friday would be better since we could really make a night of it. So, I'm going over to Berkeley to hang out on Friday night. He may have mentioned showing me his newly decorated apartment (bow chicka wow wow... haha j/k). I don't know how I feel about things. I think I could like him. I think he's similar to me. I just don't know. He's a good kisser, but I don't know if I'm ready for more. At the same time, I don't know why I'm clinging to my celibacy like a fucking life raft. I genuinely enjoy sex, so I should start having some. We'll see. This is me - I tend to fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to men. I'll just feel out how things go on Friday and take it from there.

i love being on long island.

Today was the perfect Long Island day. I got up, showered, met up with my friends, went to the bagel shop and ordered a plain bagel with cream cheese and a huge ass cookie. Then we all drove out east and went apple picking. Even though it was misty out and we were soaked by the time we finished, we got a ton of apples and I had a great time on our drive there and back. Disney sing-a-long, anyone? Yes, I am aware that I'm 27 years old, but I don't care. Yummy Chinese food after and chatting with friends rounded out the day.

Being here made me really happy. I don't have much nostalgia for Manhattan anymore, but I love me some Long Island. I had a really happy childhood and I love my high school friends. They are so precious to me and I value our relationship and never ever want to let that fade. There's something really nice about still enjoying spending time with people you knew when you were like 13 years old. It's a lot of fun. I also love all of the little Long Island things that I can't do in San Francisco. I know that the Bay Area is where I'm meant to be, but I'm really happy I grew up on Long Island. Sad that I only have one more day of my vacation, but it was worth taking this time!

gearing up for Q4!

Yes, I am a colossal dork who views her life in terms of quarters. Whatever - no shame! I'm really excited about the month of October and the start of the last quarter of the year. I don't know how the hell it is almost October already - this year has truly FLOWN by. I have a few things I've been thinking about and some new projects on the horizon that are exciting to me.

First off, I need to get back into shape. Even if I don't lose a ton of weight (which I would love to do), the gym is priority numero uno starting in October. I've slowly been easing my way into it, but I really need to start committing myself. I also need to realize that I have a fucking crazy lifestyle and I just have to find ways to be healthy despite my insane travel schedule and the fact that my job is to plan parties with liquor and junk food. Must resist temptation! Or at least learn about moderation. I think I've done a good job getting my drinking in check over the past month. I don't mind having the occasional crazy night out, but drinking wine at home alone is not a good look anymore. Especially when I'm drinking it by the bottle and not the glass.

I'm dating again! Yay! Even though I'm not 100% ready to tackle men in a real way, I'm easing my toe back into the pool. I had a really great first date on Sunday night and had my first kiss in what feels like forever. I'm not sure what's going to happen with this one, but at least I'm not running shrieking from men like I have been for the past 6 months.

My job. I am rededicating myself to my career starting now. We've begun planning for SXSW (already?!) and I am so jazzed about stepping up our presence and really coming up with some kick ass ideas for how to make our activation this year even better than last year. I'm planning a hackathon for women in Q1 of next year. Life is sweet - I'm excited. Let's go!

Vacation! I have so much vacation coming up and it's going to be amazing. Mexico with my friends and then Yosemite with my sorority sisters! Still trying to figure out New Years plans (potential cross country road trip with my BFF?), but I'm just glad to have two trips in the works.

Anyhow, I actually have to do some work today (ugh, jobs never end - even though technically I'm on vacay). Looking forward to picking apples and baking tomorrow!

finally off the train!

I am snug in my old bed in my parents house on Long Island! It feels really good not to be on a train. Eating a home-cooked meal and taking a shower felt glorious! The Chicago to NYC train was not nearly as much fun. First off, it left at 9:30pm, so you don't really see anything that first night. I also took some sleep meds, so I slept pretty much the whole time we were on the train. I managed to take a few pictures, but I was pretty lazy about it. No one interesting to talk to (thankfully), so I got to read a little bit and just vegetate. Happy to be back with my family, though! I even got a slice of New York pizza. My train throat has gone away - it's no longer sore, but I'm a little bit congested.

In "making new friends news," J1 emailed me today to see if I got back safely. Ew, I'm creeped out. He's old enough to be my father - thank you NO. Ignoring that. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to apple picking, seeing movies, and eating real food this weekend. No further news to report =)

train trip, day 3.

Last night was an interesting night on the California Zephyr. Basically, the way they run dinner on the train, it's reservation only. I knew this and was a fraidy cat, so instead I just got food in the snack car the first night and for lunch the second day. It was seriously the worst meal ever - they heat everything in the microwave, whether you get a burger, a pizza, or a hot dog. I felt the pizza was the best bet, but I still felt like I might hurl while eating it. Given that I couldn't stomach it anymore, I decided to make a reservation for 1 for the last call in the dining car last night.

Of course, when you make a rezzie for one, you get lumped with people. I got lumped with the two Js, both men in their 50s. J1 was seated next to me on the actual train and had been chatting me up a bit. I always feel this sense of conflict when black men chat me up anywhere. On the one hand, I feel like I have to do my sisterly duty and talk to them and be friendly - you know, we're all in this together kind of thing. On the other hand, I'm a huge loner and just want to ignore strange men, regardless of their race.

At dinner, I learned a lot about the two Js. J2 was traveling to Chicago for a court hearing. He is a former-lawyer turned hairdresser who hung out with Hunter S. Thompson wrote a book about his mother's imprisonment in a nursing home by his father. His mother was beaten, sexually assaulted and mistreated and then made an escape from the nursing home. His book is all about her story. I wasn't really sure how to answer that, so I think I widened my eyes appropriately and said, "Oh, wow. That's awful." He also told us about his "nice Jewish girlfriend" that he sees once a month for a week and how that seems to work for them. J1 told us all about his terrible divorce from wife number 2. He also had lots to say about how awful pretty women are ("No offense, darling."). Needless to say, it was an interesting meal. My friend Vest asked me what I had to share and I told the group the following - I'm a Yankees fan. New York and SF are crazy expensive cities. My parents have been married for like 34 years. I'm single and unmarried.

Later that evening, J1 wanted to talk all damn night about tech gadgets and other foolishness. I'm not a rude person, so I felt like I had to oblige, which I did. This morning, he asked for my contact information and offered to take me to lunch at Benihana sometime. Ick ick ick. Anyhow, I'm now on the Lake Shore Limited from Chicago to NYC and no one has said a damn word to me and thank goodness for that! I'm hoping to do some reading and then sleep. I get in tomorrow around 6pm!

train day 2.

This train trip has been pretty interesting thus far. Train culture really is a "thing." Before I got on the train, I'd done a bit of research about what to expect and the article I read was pretty dead on. I did lunch in the dining car alone. I'm not really good at meals alone, so I went super late. Then, they told us that dinner would be by reservation only. I decided that sounded a little too awkward for me (as I'm sure all of the singles get put together), so I opted instead for a cheese pizza and some wine in the bar car. People are really friendly. The guy next to me continues to chat me up and when I was sitting alone in the bar car, everyone who passed by wished me a friendly hello.

The crowd is definitely a motley crew. There are a few Amish (as expected), a ton of old men who sit together and gab about random shit, and then there is this black mother/daughter pair with the most ridiculous wigs known to man on their heads. Seriously, I don't know why this 7 year old girl is rocking a wig. I was in the ladies lounge freshening up and changing when they came in and took them off to brush them. Homegirl has hair underneath, but instead is rocking something that looks like it should be used to mop the floor. OK, I'm done with all my shade. Sorry, couldn't resist. 

Internet is terrible, but probably because we're in the heartland amongst rocks and hills. It was going really well for a bit earlier when we were stopped, but I'm currently writing this blog in offline mode and praying it posts when I get service again. Sleeping has not been an issue for me at all. I was exhausted last night and went to bed at 8pm. I mean, there really is no incentive to stay up once it gets dark. You can't see anything outside since it's pitch black and I only brought two movies (I watched O Brother Where Art Thou yesterday). I slept until 9am this morning. It was truly glorious. I tossed and turned a bunch and was rudely awakened at 2am by people boarding the train, but I soldiered through. The one major complaint - it is COLD. They run the air here a lot.

Lastly, "train throat" is a thing. I bought lozenges and water because that's what the article said, but my throat is still a little sore. Hoping that it clears up by the time we get to Chicago. I'm excited to get off the train and eat a real meal!

first train overnight.

This train trip has been pretty interesting thus far. Train culture really is a "thing." Before I got on the train, I'd done a bit of research about what to expect and the article I read was pretty dead on. I did lunch in the dining car alone. I'm not really good at meals alone, so I went super late. Then, they told us that dinner would be by reservation only. I decided that sounded a little too awkward for me (as I'm sure all of the singles get put together), so I opted instead for a cheese pizza and some wine in the bar car. People are really friendly. The guy next to me continues to chat me up and when I was sitting alone in the bar car, everyone who passed by wished me a friendly hello.

The crowd is definitely a motley crew. There are a few Amish (as expected), a ton of old men who sit together and gab about random shit, and then there is this black mother/daughter pair with the most ridiculous wigs known to man on their heads. Seriously, I don't know why this 7 year old girl is rocking a wig. I was in the ladies lounge freshening up and changing when they came in and took them off to brush them. Homegirl has hair underneath, but instead is rocking something that looks like it should be used to mop the floor. OK, I'm done with all my shade. Sorry, couldn't resist.

Internet is terrible, but probably because we're in the heartland amongst rocks and hills. It was going really well for a bit earlier when we were stopped, but I'm currently writing this blog in offline mode and praying it posts when I get service again. Sleeping has not been an issue for me at all. I was exhausted last night and went to bed at 8pm. I mean, there really is no incentive to stay up once it gets dark. You can't see anything outside since it's pitch black and I only brought two movies (I watched O Brother Where Art Thou yesterday). I slept until 9am this morning. It was truly glorious. I tossed and turned a bunch and was rudely awakened at 2am by people boarding the train, but I soldiered through. The one major complaint - it is COLD. They run the air here a lot.

Lastly, "train throat" is a thing. I bought lozenges and water because that's what the article said, but my throat is still a little sore. Hoping that it clears up by the time we get to Chicago. I'm excited to get off the train and eat a real meal!

train, day 1!

This has been an interesting morning, that's for sure! I took an Uber car all the way to Emeryville to catch the train. I think the theme of this experience is 'slow the fuck down.' Train time and train travel is not like taking a plane or speeding by in a car. This shit is slow, but I think it's good. I started off kind of crazy - they had one line open to check luggage and about 15 people waiting on the damn line. Once I calmed down and realized I had nowhere to go, it was good.

I spent the first hour on the train getting settled in. An older black gentleman is sitting near me, so he's been chatting me up periodically. A British couple in front of me is chatty as well. After that, I slept for two hours. I'm not going to say it was the most comfortable sleep ever (and who knows if I'll sleep through the night), but it was a good nap. After that, I went to go eat some lunch and then sit up in the observation car. The scenery is really beautiful and we've only just gotten out of California and into Nevada. I'm taking lots of pictures to post later and I'm really enjoying the leisurely pace. I'm using my phone for internet, so it's pretty slow. It'll probably take an hour to post this entry, but I'm not here for internet. I'm here to chill the fuck out. I'm watching O Brother Where Art Thou and then attempting to do some work. I figure I can break my day up into Morning and Evening and do some reading, writing and planning for each segment.

So far, I've started each of my five books, read through some magazines, and started listing out my duties as maid of honor for MB's wedding. I'm really insanely excited about it! I think it's going to be a lot of fun and will also give me a sense for whether or not I want to move into wedding planning, instead of doing tech consumer events.

Anyhow, I want to get this posted before we end up in no man's land with no internet. I'll check in later tonight! =)

A Year in Review.

Now that I don't really have anything in my life like school to regulate my calendar, I've started to think of my birthday as being my "New Year." It's a good chance to reflect on the past, the present, and my hopes for the future. This year's birthday was a lot of fun. Friday night, I had my party and it was so nice to see friends - old and new. I'm really growing to love the life I have out here in San Francisco. My core group of friends is amazing and I also love my coworkers. They are just really fun and caring and I think when you do the kind of job that we do, you really form some tight bonds. There is nothing that will bring two people closer like traveling all the damn time and trying to put on ridiculously crazy events. I love those guys like nobody's business.

This past year was really interesting. I think it helped me gain some clarity on what I want. I had my first major job crisis, which was probably long overdue. I had two really rough breakups and I went through a period of not wanting to open myself up to anyone and while that may not be healthy when done for too long, I do think everyone needs to be alone for some time. It allowed me to process my feelings about men, my job, my life, and ultimately what I want for myself. Now that I'm slowly entering the dating pool, I feel so much more refreshed and healthy about it. I'm just taking it easy and letting men pursue me, which feels really fucking good. I got tired of the chase. I mean, what am I chasing anyway? I may never ever ever ever get married, even if I run myself ragged trying. That is a very real fear for me and I get sad about it sometimes, but when I really think about what is most important to me and what I want, I know I can find other ways to get it.

I have always been interested in the process of self-actualization - of loving and knowing myself better than anyone else. I do a lot of reflection and I analyze myself. I think sometimes it can be a handicap, but I also know that the most important relationship I've ever had in my life is the one I have with myself. That may sound selfish and narcissistic, but fuck it! I am 27 years old, I am single, I am childless, and I don't have to support anyone but myself and sometimes that feels good. Do I want more out of my life? Yes, of course. But, in the meantime, I just want to have fun and discover all the weird quirks of my personality. I don't know what 27 is going to bring - whether it will be a successful year or a shitty one,  whether I'll ever fall in love or not, but I'm really excited about the prospect of growing up a little more each day.

holy shit, i'm getting old!

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday - I cannot believe how fast this last year has gone by! Of course, I'm scrambling to get things ready for this party tonight. I'm excited and hope people show up! Parties make me nervous that I have no friends haha. I still have a lot to do, but right now they're cleaning my house and I bought a ton of alcohol. Just have to pick up some food and supplies, get a bikini wax (not really for any reason, just because I feel like grooming myself), and take some work calls. I'm really afraid of how insane this weekend is going to be. Party tonight, concert tomorrow, date on Sunday - I normally need some alone time to not go batshit insane, but I suppose I should get in all of my socialization now. I'm taking my cross country train trip to NYC on Monday. Four days alone on a train in coach. This is either going to be amazing or the worst thing ever. I'll keep you posted!

Anyhow, expect lots of birthday reflection tomorrow - today I have to get shit done.

i think i've started to chill out.

Writing from the plane - I can't sleep, oddly enough (probably because I'm not really tired at all) and so I figure I might as well bang out some things on my to do list. So major update! Today marks my 6 month celibacy anniversary. I think that all my friends can now admit that I am officially celibate. It's been 6 months and I've turned down 2 opportunities to sleep with someone - so I win/lose! Haha.

I'm shockingly okay with it, which is weird. I don't know why - this is the longest it's been for me since my 21 years of initial celibacy. It's nice to not have men ruling my life right now. I'm also feeling good because I'm half out there (have my online dating profiles back up), so it's not like I'm totally ignoring men. I'm just taking a break - a well-deserved, much-needed break. Everyone needs a break from the grind. So far, I just have this one guy I've been talking to (the one I was supposed to go out with last week). He canceled twice, which is a no no in my book, BUT homeboy has been texting me regularly from his vacation and I've been putting no effort into it at all. I respond to him and I really like talking to him, but I'm not chasing any boys right now. If he wants it, he's going to have to come and get it, cuz I am not shoving it in anyone's face. That's my new philosophy. Pursue me. Make me want you. I don't want to chase, I don't want to speculate and wonder and work myself into a tizzy. I just want you to come and get me. That's what my life is like right now. I have other shit to focus on - I can't be worried about dating.

In other news, I have my cross country train trip next week (so excited!!!) and fall time in New York. Then I have my last event of the year (as of right now) and Mexico with L&S and Jazzgirl. SO excited. It's going to be so much fun.

Anyway, I'm going to lose internet soon, so I'm signing off. Cannot wait to be back in SF.

last day on Long Island.

Of course the day I'm supposed to fly out, it starts to rain. Praying that my flight isn't delayed. I have an early morning training session on Wednesday. It was a nice little quick trip to New York. My father's 60th birthday party was really fun. I don't know if he was really surprised or not, but it was still a really good time. It's so interesting to see your parents age. I also cannot believe how long my parents have been together and how strong their relationship is. I envy my parents their marriage - I only hope that one day that's what I'll have. Part of me thinks that's why I'm still unattached - I'd rather be alone than deal with anything that's subpar.

It was fun to see all of my old friends - had lunch with the work girls and spent some time with my high school friends as well. I don't really miss New York at all, but I do miss all of my friendships. I'm just trying to convince everyone to move to SF =) I'm doing pretty well on that front so far!

Anyway, I have a lot to do before I head to JFK, so let me get on that. Just wanted to pop in and say hello!

ny trip!

I haven't traveled in two weeks and I'm feeling kind of antsy! I need to get away, so luckily I have a quick trip to New York planned. My father is turning 60 and my mother is having a surprise party for him, so that will be a lot of fun. Hopefully I'll also get to see a movie, eat some bagels and pizza, and hang out with my New York friends. It's funny - I like being home and it's nice to have time in my apartment, but I kind of miss the grind of traveling. When I'm at home, I start to get restless and weird. I like the travel schedule - it gives me something to do. Things have been too boring lately - I'm not sure I really like that.

I'm one of those people that needs constant stimulation to survive. I will probably not be blogging all that frequently, but I'll catch you next week as I start my birthday preparations!

ugh, not again.

ANOTHER event of mine just got canceled and potentially moved to December 2013. FML. As much as it's nice to have some downtime - I think I'm ready to work again. Please, God. When my boss gets back from Chile on Monday, I'm definitely going to have to chat with her about me getting put on something, ANYTHING. I need to feel useful or else I shrink and die. I'm a Virgo, after all.

So much awesome =)

it's good to have goals.

I've been doing some mental housekeeping lately and trying to figure out where I want to be. I know that we make plans and God laughs and all of that, but I still think it's nice to have some vision in mind of where you want to be down the line. I made a list (shocker!) of my goals for the next 5 years. Here goes!

1. Be in the process of starting my own business.
2. Get married.
3. Own my own home.
4. Get down to a size 8.
5. Be fluent in Russian.
6. Learn enough HTML to code my own site.
7. Finish writing a novel.
8. Get an article published in a major magazine or blog.
9. Run a successful sex education blog.
10. Devise a system for keeping my home and office clean - and STICK TO IT!
11. Get rid of all my credit card and student loan debt.

Yay! Hopefully I can knock out at least 5 or 6 of those.

i can really only do one big night out a month.

Last night was a little much, but really really fun. Of course, I am paying for it now as I sit in bed with my stomach all out of sorts. Thank goodness my date wanted to reschedule for Monday because I am not really fit to be seen. Yesterday's shenanigans were fun, though - went to Tradition, a cool speakeasy-themed bar in the Tenderloin, followed by Rye bar and then Mexican food. After two shots, two shared punch bowls, and three cocktails I was pretty shitfaced. Especially after not eating. Tried trolling for men at Rye, but no such luck. I need to get my mojo back, but that's a topic for a different post. After late night Mexican food, I got home around 1:30am (so late for my granny self!) and promptly passed out.

So much fun, but I need to get back on the straight and narrow. I'm trying to revamp my life significantly (more on that tomorrow!) and I can't be drunk for all of it. I'm starting to hate how alcohol fucks with my body. I am by no means giving it up, but I just have to learn the power of moderation, something I struggle with. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm either completely balls to the wall or I'm apathetic as fuck.

Anyhow, I'm going to continue my TV marathon. Real L Word and Homeland finales, Hell on Wheels, and renting Bachelorette. Lazy Saturday FTW!

happy weekend!

This week felt really long for a short week - I'm not really sure why. I'm just so damn happy it's the weekend. I have plans all three days, which is usually stressful for me, but I'm looking forward to it. Drinks tonight at Tradition, date tomorrow, and then Sunday hanging out with MB. Should be a good time! I'll just have to rest up on Saturday during the day while I finish season 1 of Homeland, which might be my new favorite show.

I've rededicated myself to the gym - with pricy training sessions that will hopefully do something. I like my new trainer - she's Aussie and seems like a taskmaster. We have a real plan and I think she's going to keep me to it. My old trainer kind of let things lapse - this one wants me to track my eating for her and we'll have check ins every two weeks to assess my progress. Yikes! I'm scared, but it needs to be done. I've gained so much weight recently and I'm no longer in my sweet spot, so I need to put in work to get there. I just have to remember that I used to be an athlete and channel the fuck out of my former high school self. Because in the ensuing 9 years, I've become a couch potato. So it's 3x a week and cardio the other 2x. Drinking less when I'm at home and eating healthier. God help me...

I have a date on Saturday, which kind of just happened out of nowhere. Immediately after I blocked the bro-ish asshole I've been talking to (who's been trying to get me to send him naked pictures), I got an IM from a guy who recommended a history podcast to me. I was pretty hooked by that - I love history! He's my 'type' - Jewish and engineer. I want to just take a second to stop and ask what it is about me that seems to draw Jewish engineers in. Is it just that there are so many of them in the Bay? My life coach was asking me if I have anything in my profile about looking for that type and I don't, so I'm just shocked that they always seem to find me. It's fine (I like it), but I'm curious. Anyway, the boy. We chatted for a while and then he asked me out for this weekend. No crazy back and forth - just straight for it. I was impressed with his forwardness. So yeah, date!

Anyway, I should do some work. That's my weekend!

Happy Friday!

on friendship, love and writing.

Lately, I've been trying to find inspiration for my writing. I know I have a novel (and a screenplay, a memoir, and a fantasy book) inside me somewhere, but I often struggle about what I want to write about. I tend to draw inspiration from my personal life, but then I worry about not only putting myself out there, but also putting my friends and family out there. Not every story I have is my own and there is a tremendous amount of power you hold when you tell someone's stories. Representation is serious stuff.

I've been drafting an outline for a book I want to write sometime soon. I've always wanted to write about the 'now' of my life - being twenty-something, single, urban, spoiled, and ultimately very confused. Something that captures the angst (and the ridiculousness of that angst) of being in your mid-twenties and trying to grow up while simultaneously praying to God that you can hold onto your youth. It's a funny time. Currently my novel is set on the eve of a 5 year college reunion. It seemed like the perfect catalyst for a person to think about their life and I'm just coming off of my own 5 year college reunion. It's a great time - most people don't have children and only a handful are married or engaged. It swirls up a lot of feelings and leads to some pretty awkward, but universal interactions. Yet, I struggle with what the book is really about and how to create a compelling story arc. What am I trying to say? How is the beginning of the character's journey different from the end? What am I really writing about?

Every day, I read a million blog articles and this one from Feministe caught my eye recently - On Friendship. It opens up with a quote that really struck me, from another article by Anna Holmes called The Age of Girlfriends.

"The raw thrill of both “How Should a Person Be?” and “Girls” (and let me acknowledge here that I am hardly the first person to compare the two) is in the way they treat heterosexual coupling as secondary, and how they depict the profundity of female friendships, not to mention their real perils—which are quite different from the competitive jockeying that is so often imagined. It is other women, not men, Dunham and Heti seem to be saying, who most impact the evolution of girls into women. Other women, not men, who provide the opportunities for self-expression and self-discovery. Other women, not men, who bear witness to the triumphs and tragedies of young womanhood. Other women, not men, in whom we both find and lose ourselves."

And BAM. There it is. That is what I've been looking to explore - that is the journey I want my character to go on, because it's the journey I've been on. I know I blog a lot about my desperate search for a boyfriend who will turn into a husband and all the missteps in between. I do a lot of crazy things to get there - my crazy sexcapades and misguided attempts to make bad relationships work - but at the end of the day, my life has always been about my friendships, especially those with my female friends. The men I have dated have shaped some minor aspects of my personality, but let's be real - the closest, most intimate, most memorable relationships I've had in my life have been with other women. I look at my best friend and the relationship that we have together and it's meant more to me than any man I've ever known, dated, slept with, or pined over. I honestly don't expect that to change anytime soon.

My friendships have made me the person I am and if I ever meet a man who makes me want to break down all my walls and settle down, he will owe a huge debt to the women (and a few men) who taught me how to love and made me a worthy human being. That's what I need to write about. That is what I need to explore. Those friendships - how they grow and change us, how they shape us, and how sometimes they break our hearts more than any man ever could.

fun labor day weekend!

I don't know why, but I'm in a good mood today. Probably because the sun is shining and my internet is finally back on! I'm determined to be productive today and get a lot of stuff done and so far I'm doing well. Even though I normally like to go away on long weekends, this was a really fun couple of days - the perfect mix of social and alone time. Celebrated S' birthday on Friday night, had a nice walk in Golden Gate Park on Saturday with JazzGirl, baked apple turnovers and ate other delicious goodies at the baking date with SS on Sunday. Now, it's Monday and I'm enjoying some alone time and doing vacation research.

I decided I'm going to take a cross-country train trip the last week of September! Then, I'll end up in NYC where I will pick apples with Gremlin and hang out with my family. Only $212 for the train ticket! I've always wanted to do this, so I'm so stoked. I'm going from Emeryville to Chicago and then Chicago to New York City. It should be a lot of fun.

I'm talking to a boy on OKCupid tonight at 9pm. I hope he's normal - he's totally not my type (blond and blue-eyed... not my thing), but he seems genuine and kind. Outside of that, I'm going to a networking event for Black Ivy alums, so hopefully I'll meet new people there as well. It feels weird not to have any work travel for a while, but I'm enjoying the leisurely downtime.

For whatever reason, I'm full of sunshine and optimism and hope today. That probably means that the rug is going to get pulled out from under me any second, but so far so good!

final thoughts on TOJ.

The one positive thing I will say is that at least all of this shit is now over and done with and I can go about my life. I thought I was over him, but I don't think I really was. I had been thinking about him a lot even before he contacted me. Then once he did, I couldn't stop thinking about him and having small little fantasies about what would take place when we got together. So I have to say that I'm glad that he acted like a confused little boy so that I can pack up my feelings and MOA (move on already, for those of you who don't know). Now I can focus on bigger and better things. I'm a really superstitious person and I really believe you have to clear out all remnants of the person before in order to move on to something better.

There is a part of me that is still disheartened about dating and men. I just can't seem to ever catch a break and that is really hard for me to cope with. It's like I'm not good enough to have a relationship last more than 3 months without imploding. Either that or I stay in a relationship for way too long and it becomes this complicated ridiculousness. It's like I just can't win. I'm not really sure what my next move is. A part of me wants to go batshit insane and sleep with 95% of San Francisco (men AND women... I mean why not? It's not like anyone wants to be with me seriously... might as well screw everything that moves). Then another part of me wants to just try, try again. Good old, CJ - always hammering away at trying to find a relationship and not seeing the writing on the wall. Maybe this isn't meant for me. Maybe I am meant to be alone forever. Then the last part of me is like - FUCK EVERYTHING. Let me focus on getting my body back in shape and figuring out my long-term career goals.

I guess I just don't know what more I can do to be a viable candidate for a relationship and I'm just tired of it. You can only fail so many times before you're just ready to throw in the towel. I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. I suppose I'll figure it out and in the meantime, I'll try to bandage up what's left of my emotional stability and pray that something better comes along - whether it's a new man or becoming an asexual who doesn't need companionship. At this point, either one looks good.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. We'll see which path emerges as the winner.

perfunctory boy update.

I don't even want to write this entry because I hate TOJ and think he's a horrible human being who I couldn't care less about, but I suppose you all want to be updated. So we went out on Wednesday and it was date-ish and confusing as fuck. He picked me up in his car and gave me the grand tour of Oakland. Took me to a nice Korean BBQ place, where he did the whole Southern gentleman thing - pulling out my chair, ordering for me, and cooking all of my food and serving it to me. Then he paid for it so fast I could barely offer any money. He opened the car door for me when we left and then told me he was going to take me to a dive bar with a beautiful view of the water and San Francisco.

We caught up on each other's lives. He seemed to be in a better place - he said he's calmed down more, not doing the whole Mission rat thing. He doesn't go out every night and has mellowed. Rides his motorcycle to work, stopped drinking as much, and isn't really eating red meat anymore. He says he feels calmer and in a much better place, although work is still stressing him out. He bought me a drink and we walked along the water, looking at all of the different views. Again, more car door opening and more pulling out of chairs. Finally, we left the place and he dropped me back at the BART station to catch the train. He gave me a fairly chaste peck on the lips and a hug. Then it was done.

It was fun to see him again and we got along the way we always get along, so I suppose that was good. It was just strange because it felt like a date. He also didn't make any moves on me, which I was mildly insulted by. I mean, I looked HOT. I had a tight red skirt on and my ass looked BANGING. So I was a little upset. I mean, I went all the way to Oakland and he couldn't even feel me up in the car? UGH.

So after that I got confused, because he then invited me to come over and watch a movie and have him cook for me at some point in the future. I just didn't know what the hell was going on and he never explained his behavior or why he asked me to go out in the first place. Since he's leaving for Turkey in a couple of days, I sent a text message to him about it. Basically, I wanted to know why he wanted to spend time together again given that we are broken up. That's when shit hit the fan.

He was basically like "Girls think too much. I don't want to get serious. It was just nice hanging out and would be fun to do so on occasion." So I eased into it and brought up the fact that that usually implies sex, which he said was "so New York" of me. He said it wasn't out of the question, but that it didn't motivate him to contact me. So that's when I just let it all out. I told him I felt blindsided by the invite since I'd worked pretty hard to get over him and that he disrupted my life. I told him it was unfair of him to resurface without any kind of warning since he was the one with the upper hand. He then wrote some bullshit about understanding where I was coming from and then putting it in my hands if we'd hang out or not. He said he would be open to discussing it in person if I wanted. I told him I had a life and didn't need to see him again. I told him he hurt me and that it was so hard to go out with him and that I just don't see how two people who weren't friends to begin with could be friends now. He then apologies and said he didn't hit on me because he was behaving himself and avoiding stress and drama. End scene.

I don't even know what to say. It's 12:30am and I'm tired, so I'll write more tomorrow, but that was the basic gist of what went down.