i'm getting cockblocked by a married woman!!!!

Sorry, I just had to have that little outburst and it was wayyy too catchy of a title to pass up. I'll get to explaining the cockblocking a little later. ANYWAY. Boy updates! This is the millionth time this has happened, but of course, I was wrong about POP and his feelings for me. We were playing it by ear for our date last night and I was getting nervous since it was 9:30pm and I hadn't heard anything from him, but he said he was swamped at work so I figured he had taken the later bus home. Right around then I get a text that he just got off the bus and so I headed to the bar to meet him. He looked really, really sad. I think work is killing him. He seemed really stressed out and said that things have been awful for him at the job recently. Going to bed at 3am and waking up at 8am to work. It sounded really brutal and I think that's why he's been incommunicado lately. He thanked me for putting up with him and his sadness and then bought me a drink.

We had a nice little date at The Alembic, just chatting. He seemed a little distant, but I appreciated that he came and wanted to hang out and spend time with me. I opted just to have one drink (well, at that venue - I had gotten drinks with jazzgrl earlier (of course) so I didn't wanna be tipsy twice in one day) and then I asked if he wanted to come over to see the new decor in my apartment. He came over and checked it out - he seemed impressed by all my changes. I managed to get him into my bedroom and due to the fact that it's a fucking sauna in my apartment, we got undressed pretty quickly (more for comfort than lust). I had fun =) I really like spending time with him. He's so sweet and complimentary and affectionate and I really like it. I'm shocked by how much I like it, but I kind of just want to lay in bed with him all the time. I like our little banter and how cute he is when he smiles and how he looks at me like I'm this amazing human being. It's really funny how all the things you thought you never wanted seem so fucking awesome when they're coming from the right person. So yeah, it was a really good night. I was a little sad, though, because he didn't stay over, but he had to go home and code, so I spent the night alone.

But, on to the cockblocking! So I'm going to Seattle this weekend for Senior Year Roomie's wedding (!!!) and so I'll be gone Saturday and Sunday. I asked him what he was doing on Friday night and he was like "Well.... Married Girl (that we went on that awkward date with) needs to stay at my place and I don't want to make her a third wheel again, so I can't do Friday." UGH THIS WOMAN IS RUINING MY LIFE. Sorry, irrational outburst over. I just don't like the fact that she seems so needy. Like, he's driving her around and letting her crash at his place. And I know that there's nothing going on and I know she knows that we're dating and it's not that I think she wants him. It's just that I want to spend time with him and I hate that I can't because of her. I also feel badly because I'm sure she fucking hates me and I hope that doesn't influence his feelings towards me. The whole thing is just annoying, but whatever, I'll get over it. We haven't even established exclusivity, so I'm not going to make a big deal about it. Instead I'll just chat with my therapist over how weird the situation is. Basically, I'm not getting laid this weekend because of a chick with a husband. Fuck all.

Anyway, let me go do some work and send POP a nice little text message letting him know I'm here for him and that I appreciate him taking a little work break to see me. See, I'm not always a bitch! ;-)

blissful.

Super happy this morning! I'm kind of caught up on work and less nervous about how I'm going to get everything done. Thankfully, I've been working my butt off and it's been paying off. I've knocked down my to do list by a few items and I'm feeling pretty good. Three weeks til the event - eek! I worked out for 90 minutes yesterday and my body feels fucking awesome. Another session tonight. Then, to top it off, I had an excellent date last night!

POP and I were supposed to meet up at his house to watch a movie, but then he suggested we do dinner beforehand. Had a quick bite at Blue Front Cafe - I insisted on paying, even though he gave me major side eye over it. So to one-up me, he then decided we needed to order drinks, which *he* paid for. Boys are so silly - I make money, I can pay for things! I'm sure he thinks my food quirks are weird, since I ate like a small bird and cut my pita falafel with a fork and a knife, but whatever. I'm strange! Afterwards, we bought a bottle of wine and then headed back to his place to watch the movie. We ended up spending so much time talking that it was like 45 minutes later when we decided on Rango. I wanted to watch True Grit, but he told me if we watched that he wouldn't pay any attention to the me (read: try to mack on me) during the movie. The one weird thing was he's super into animation (he did an internship at Pixar and loves that stuff) and I had to try and feign ignorance about it because I didn't want to bring up The Blexican. I guess we should have the ex conversation at some point, but we're having so much fun that I don't want to bring it up.

Anyway, his roommate was there (the one I haven't met), but I didn't get an intro as she was just breezing in and out. So he shut the door and we started watching the movie, which of course, turned into us not watching the movie fairly quickly. I really love hooking up with him. It's like the perfect combination of being totally into each other and wanting to rip each other's clothes off, but also being really caring and sweet. Of course, I have my fucking period, so I couldn't do anything fun. And since I couldn't do anything fun, he wouldn't let me do anything fun to him. Womp womp. Hate when guys are all "I'm going to be a gentleman" (okay, I don't really hate this, but god damnit at least one of us deserved to get off!). The rest of the night was nice. I told him that since he makes fun of me for a million things, I need something to make fun of him for. So he let me look through his yearbook to see pictures of him as a kid and told me about his obsession with a certain television show that I won't name because I like him too much to tell other people. He showed me some dorky CS videos he made, too, so now I have plenty of ammo to make fun of him with =) Bonded over our love of Archer and just talked for hours while cuddling and semi-hooking up. He asked me to stay over and of course I said yes. I think we ended up talking til like 2am. I just feel so at ease with him - it's completely comfortable and natural.

Woke up this morning together so he could move his car. Discovered that I left a really dark hickey on his neck - damn you white people for bruising so easy! You'd have to literally suck on my neck for 20 minutes to get a mark like that. I'll have to remember I'm dating a white boy now and I have to be more gentle. I don't know when we'll see each other again - he asked me if I'm free before Chicago, but the only night I have is tonight and I don't know if he thinks 3 nights in a row is overkill (shit, I might think 3 nights in a row is overkill). So maybe not til next week. Sigh.

God, being in like is really nice, but super distracting. Gotta get back to work!

date #2

Yup, two posts in one day! Mostly because I'm going to Arizona tomorrow for work and who knows when I'll have the energy to post. So here it is: date #2 with POP. It was a really short date - like 90 minutes - but really amazing. Neither of us could stick around long since I have a 7:45am flight tomorrow and he has a project for work he needs to get done. We met up at Miller's East Coast Deli (my suggestion, since we both miss Jewish food and New York). {Sidenote: yes, I broke my cleanse and ate two things I shouldn't have, but due to the fact that I have a mandatory tasting for work tomorrow I figured I might as well go off for the day. Back on the wagon later this week!} I got there early and of course, some black dude started harassing me. YES, I realize that I am one of like 10 black women in San Francisco, but seriously --- can you not talk to me when I'm waiting for my date?! And can you also not give me your card while I'm waiting for my date?! UGH. Anyways, he showed up as I was talking to this guy, which was awkies. Luckily, the dude looked crazy and was drunk, so I'm hoping he knew that I wasn't interested.

We sat down inside and looked at the menu, started discussing why people are always talking to me (it happened before Date #1, too). He says I have a very friendly face and demeanor. I'm like - damn, I must be on my first date best behavior because nobody who knows me would say I have a friendly face. I'm constantly giving mad bitch face to guys in the street. We ordered knishes and latkes and then got to looking at the menu. I had eaten already, in the hopes that I wouldn't gorge myself on shit I shouldn't be eating, but I couldn't resist ordering matzoh ball soup. I think he was impressed with my knowledge of Jewish cuisine (thank you, Long Island!) and we chatted and talked for a while. He makes me laugh, which I like. I also like that we talk about our families - that's important to me. I just really like him, which is why I freak out about every little thing. I haven't been this excited about a guy from the start since The Engineer, and that ended with my heart being broken.

Anyway, he did four things on the date that made me happy.

1. I told him I had to be up at 5am to get to the airport and he offered to give me a ride. Okay, for those of you who don't know - this is an important gesture to me. When I was deathly ill with my blood clot a few years back and coming back to SF, that twat waffle I used to date (TG) refused to pick me up from the airport. So now, anytime a guy offers me a ride to the airport, I want to instantly hug and kiss them. Of course, I told him that was not necessary and that my job would pay and there's no way I would let him get up that early to drive me to the airport (especially after only two dates), but seriously, the offer was super sweet. I couldn't believe it.
2. He aggressively grabbed the check to pay for dinner, which always makes me swoon. I love when a guy is just like "Nope, this is on me. Don't even think about paying." 
3. He expressed an extremely strong desire to see me in the future. Anytime I would talk about a restaurant I wanted to visit or something I wanted to do, he was like "we should do that sometime." Like every time. I found it incredibly endearing. Also, at the end, he was like "I really want to see you again. When are you back from your trip? We should definitely go out this week or this weekend." We tentatively have plans for Wednesday, since I get back Tuesday night =)
4. He told me he would give me a ride on his motorcycle whenever I wanted. I know what you're thinking, perverts, but he actually owns a motorcycle. He rode it to the date, so when we left, he asked if I wanted to see it, which (duh!) I did. He then told me he would take me around on it anytime I wanted. I had to resist the urge to strip naked and offer myself to him right there, haha. I may have reacted a little too strongly with an enthusiastic YES, but I'm sorry, riding on the back of his motorcycle sounds hot. 

So yeah, that's how it went down. Pray that my neurosis does not get in the way of what it seeming to be a pretty awesome trajectory of dating events.

the boy thing.

So I've made a conscious decision to stop "hanging out" (read: sleeping with) The Blexican. I really just need to cut it off. I think I decided while I was at L&S' wedding. Something about being in the presence of true love that makes me want to stop fucking around. I would be okay with it, if he was on the same page, but I know he's way more into it than I am and I don't think it's just for the sex. I mean, I'm not that good. I know he wants the relationshippy aspects, too, and that we're basically dating. If all we did was have sex and then go home, it would be a different story, but we go to Alcatraz, dinners, movies. Not okay. It's just so hard to do the celibate thing sometimes. I guess I'm realizing that since I started dating him, I've kind of changed my sex routines. Can you believe that until a few days ago, I hadn't watched a single solitary piece of porn in about 4 months?!?! Do you know how insane that is?! I've been watching some variation of porn since I was 9 years old. Sweet Jesus. Relationships really do change a person.

Anyway, I was not intending to go off on that tangent. I guess what's really bothering me about the whole arrangement is that I have this feeling that God is testing me. Like, I won't be able to find real, true love until I prove that I can sacrifice the easy fix and go back to being alone. Then, maybe when I'm in that state, I'll be open, receptive, and ready for a real relationship. Maybe then God will see fit to bring someone special into my life. I view life as a big test and I think God likes to throw you curveballs to make you work. For me, relationships with men are my curveball. Life really would be easier if I didn't have to deal with all these thoughts and notions that swirl around in my mind.

I don't really want to break up a second time, though. It's way too exhausting and I don't have the patience for it. I'm better at the fade out. Eventually, I'll stop thinking of him and he'll stop thinking of me and it'll be good. Or at least as good as it can be. That sounds like the right solution.

oops.

I think I did a bad thing. Just finished talking to the Blexican for about an hour. Of course, sexual things were brought up. By him, not me, but I still didn't nip them in the bud. I just kind of went along with things. I don't know why I continually make mistakes in this area. I'm afraid he's going to get hurt. I'm afraid I'm going to become that person that TG was to me. Namely, an asshole. I don't really want to be an asshole. The situation is a little different because he keeps pinging me, but I'm not doing anyone any favors by indulging in the conversation, even if i didn't start it.

Anyway, this week is going to suck so I should just get some sleep now. I'll worry about rectifying shit in the morning.

all's well that ends well.

The Blexican came over last night and it was surprisingly okay. No sex (period and cramps and that 'too soon' feeling kept me from wanting to go there), but we did spend a lot of time talking, which was good. As I mentioned before, I feel like we don't really know each other, even after 6 months of dating. He said he had so many questions he wanted to ask me - about my past history and my view on relationships. So we did that - I ran through my whole life's history, beginning with blond-haired Michael (my kindergarten crush) all the way to TG. He told me a bit more about his own relationship history and we really got to know each other's pasts. It was valuable information and I'm sad that we didn't do it sooner.

We discussed what we want in future relationships. Both of us are a little disillusioned by the whole online dating thing and want something more organic. He asked me if I thought we could still have a physical relationship. I told him I wasn't averse to it, but that I'm wary. I mean, I don't want us wasting our energy on each other when we could go out and look for love/sex in other places. I told him I thought we needed some kind of boundaries and I also pressed him to find out what he meant by a sexual relationship. Did he just want to come over, have sex, and leave? He said he didn't want it to be that way - like he was using me for sex. He still wants to hang out and do things, but if the night ends in sex, then it ends in sex. I don't know. I'm still mulling it over in my head. I didn't want to do anything last night, so he just gave me a foot rub and then left after we talked for a few hours.

In some strange way, I'm happy about how things turned out. I'm glad that I'm not completely losing him, because I do miss having him around and now that we can talk about anything, it's led to some pretty interesting discussions. Also, because he acted so immaturely, I can now see that he's not some perfect guy and I'm less sad about our breakup and more comfortable with it. I still don't know whether I'll want to continue hooking up, but I'm not going to lie, it's a little nice to know that if I get super lonely, there's someone there to take care of it.

airport posts!

I kind of love hanging around the airport. No idea why. My flight got in a bit late, so I decided not to take the risk of leaving the airport to venture out into the great London unknown (especially since I have 14 hours to do so on my trip back), so I've been chilling in Heathrow. My flight is in about an hour and a half, so I should get going, but I wanted to blog first before I hop on the plane.

I had an amazing therapy session on Thursday and it really made me view my relationship in a new way. The basic gist is that I flip flop about my relationship ALL THE TIME. I just never know whether I want to be in it or out of it. My boyfriend is in love with me and I'm just confused. It's a hard situation to be in, for both of us. He doesn't pressure me to say those words at all, but I still feel like there's some timer about to go off. I'm not going to get too deep into it now because I have limited time, but one of the things my therapist helped me to see is that I don't really know my boyfriend.

Yes, I know that he is the sweetest thing on two legs - he does my dishes, cleans my fridge, takes care of household chores I'm too busy or uncoordinated to do, and does them without me asking. But, I don't know who he is - where he comes from or where he's going - and those two things are *super* important to me. The number one thing I want in a man is ambition. Not money, not looks, not great sex - ambition. Sense of humor is a close second. I want someone who has a clear vision of who they want to be and I realized that I don't know who my boyfriend wants to be. Not because of any fault of his, but because I simply have never asked. I need to rectify that. I want to know where he sees his life going, what he wants to do. I got a little glimpse the other night when he showed me a rough sketch of his short video. I'm not sure if I'm just too selfish/chatty and don't give him a chance to talk or if he needs to wait longer to tell me about these things, but it hasn't happened yet.

I also want to know about his family - how he grew up, the progression of his life. My history is so powerful to understanding who I am that it's hard for me to really think I know him if I don't have that important piece of the puzzle.

I guess I'm starting to realize that the Blexican and I have different comfort zones. I am more than happy to pour out my ambitions and my family history to him, but the emotional stuff is harder. For him, he tells me he loves me and always lets me know how much he cares for me, but cannot share as much of himself. I'm trying to find a way to meet in the middle.

excuse me while i try and regain some semblance of dignity.

Yes, I'm still upset about Monday evening's events. No, The Russian hasn't called me. Yes, I think it's pretty much hopeless at this point. I'm really bad at this whole 'waiting to see what happens' thing. I mean, I know men generally come and go so I'm not going to be too upset by this one leaving, but it still sucks. On the bright side, I've semi-validated my attraction to the opposite sex. For a long time, after the mess with TG, I thought no one was ever going to want to be with me in a sexual way again. My self-esteem was pretty much crushed. Throw in the fact that I cut my hair and stopped working out and I just feel ick. Even when getting it on with the Russian, I asked if we could turn the lights off. He asked me if I was shy, which I can be when it comes to my body. Even when he was clearly turned on by it. I just have issues sometimes. And since I wasn't even able to have a decent sexual experience with him, I'm feeling a little bit discouraged when it comes to men.


College BFF made the point that I've been sexually monogamous for a while now, so of course it's going to be weird the first time I sleep with someone new. I get that, but it's still a shit show. It's not even that I'm mad about losing a potential "boyfriend" because I honestly don't think that's what he was looking for, but I figured I'd at least have someone to call late at night when I wanted to get some booty. Looks like that option is completely gone. Senior Year Roommate says I should wait a week before I give him up as being completely uninterested. We'll see - I'm a pessimist like whoa. I guess at least I got laid? By someone who wasn't TG? And he did have a pretty sweet body - all those muscles. God, I miss men. I've become so boy crazy over the past few weeks because I've been in withdrawal. There's something about men that just drives me crazy (in the good way) and I miss having them in my life. Oh, well - I need to stop stressing over this. It's not doing anyone any good.


In other funny news - got a message today online from a guy. It was titled "YES" and inside it read... "...in response to your last question in your profile.  Do you like well mannered BAD boys? Check me out... [name blocked]" Dying of laughter. Just dying. Oh, also, this man is 46 years old. I CAN'T. God I forgot how much I love lame pick-up attempts. =)

dude, i swear i'm not normally this awkward.

Okay, so what should have been a really fun palette-cleansing experience ended up being a shitshow of epic proportions. I've been talking to the Jewish, Russian engineer (did I mention that he's *fluent* in Russian - swoon) for about a week. He's totally my type in all the aforementioned ways. He also has a beard - you all know how I feel about facial hair. Jammerz calls him TG's twin, but they don't really look alike. They're both just white Jewish guys with facial hair. Whatevs. I like it. So yeah, we hung out this weekend briefly - he came over to my hood and we talked. Nothing major - just did a quick walk around and chatted for a little while. He wanted to come inside, but I told him no, and he left without arguing with me. Truth be told, I thought that after I refused to let him in my apartment, he'd disappear and run off to find something else. I was kind of shocked when he called me the next night to chat and then when he called again to try and make plans for this week.

I get a text from him yesterday at work telling me he'd like to hang out and wanting to know when I was going to be done with work (he's between jobs now, so my schedule was the limiting factor). I told him he could come over around 7:30pm and we could have a drink and "hang out." I was kind of nervous - running around cleaning, figuring that he was probably going to want to bone, but also looking forward to it because I've been sleeping with the same damn man for the past year and we are not in a relationship!!!!! Sorry, that still irks me. So yeah, he came over and he looked good. He's smaller than most of the guys I date - and by that, I mean, he's shorter than me by a good 2 inches. But, he's pretty built - works out a lot and solid. His arms and pecs - god, so hot! And he has the cutest little butt. Seriously, it's kind of like a bubble butt but incredibly firm. I'm swooning just thinking about it. ANYWAY, before I jizz in my pants... back to the story.

We sit in my living room and chat and I give him a tour of the place. He doesn't drink so I just gave him some water and I opted not to drink as well. He looked at my books and made some comments ("you have the Bible next to some erotica," "do you like Ayn Rand?" "Dealing with sex in an easy access culture - interesting") and then we started talking about work and life and stuff. He has a job interview today so we talked a little about that. He's an engineer so he had lots to say about the company I work for (and why he would never work there). Then out of the blue - maybe like 30 minutes in, he just kisses me. "That was abrupt," I said - because I'm super awkward. So he keeps kissing me and we're making out and he's pretty much throwing me around the couch (he is smaller than me, but STRONG). Pretty soon, I look and I'm in nothing but my hot pink lacy boyshorts. Initially, I told myself I wasn't going to smush (yes, I love Jersey Shore terms), but then I was mostly-naked and getting into it so I said fuck it and decided to just go with it. I took him into my bedroom since HI, I just moved in and don't want to screw on my couch just yet.

This is where it gets ridiculous. So for whatever reason, we're just having a difficult time. Not with arousal or anything, but with the whole mechanics of the sex. I mean, I don't know if it was height difference, the angle, or what, but we're having trouble. He's asking me if I have lube, which I don't because I just moved in and haven't restocked my shit. Now here's where it gets really awesome. He's trying to maneuver my legs around and I kick him in the head accidentally! Can I repeat that for a second? I KICKED HIM IN THE HEAD! So I'm mortified, but he's just laughing it off and then finally we get into a rhythm. At which point he comes like 10 seconds in. I mean, I didn't mind because *I kicked him in the head* so whatever. He apologizes about it, but I'm like whatever - it does not matter. He tries to get me off but either he's not doing what I need or my head is elsewhere because I just can't. I can't even fake it because I'm just not there. So we get half-dressed and he wants to talk, so we sit down and chat again about random things. Then he takes me by the hand and gets me off the couch and starts kissing me again. I ask him where we're going and he takes me back to the room. I was surprised he wanted to go again given the bodily harm I'd inflicted on him the first time.

Again, more difficulties! I felt like we just weren't clicking at all. It was like that scene in Sex and the City when Carrie and Berger sleep together for the first time and it's just horrible. That was what it was like. Then to top it all off, he ran out of condoms since he had only brought a few and I'll put it this way - I'm not used to dealing with men who are quite so well-endowed. So I only had smaller ones, which he tried to put on and it failed miserably since he was packing wayyy more than I expected for a short white guy. Then we decided to try and just fool around, but it just wasn't working out. Plus, he was uncut which I'm not used to dealing with and I just felt like I was fumbling the whole time. He also wasn't really vocal at all, so even when he would climax, I had almost no warning that it was going to happen. He was one of those silent types. Good Lord.

After he came again, which was also kind of epic fail since he didn't really get it where I wanted it - lol - he cleaned up and then we sat around and talked a little longer. He stayed wayyy longer than I thought he would - I assumed after all that that he was going to run screaming from my apartment. Instead, we talked more and then after a while, he gave me a kiss, told me he had fun and bounced. Epic fail.

I don't even know what to say - I've never been that awkward in bed. Honestly, it's exactly the opposite - normally I'm self-assured and I have so pretty sick skills. Every man I've ever been with has complimented me numerous times on my abilities. So why did I shit the bed this time? Am I out of practice? Was the chemistry not there? Were we a mismatch? I mean, I guess I shouldn't be too upset. He got off twice and I got off no times. He also didn't seem to sweat it too much, but I want a do over, damn it! I want to knock this kid's socks off.

God, being awkward really sucks sometimes.

boys, as per usual.

For the life of me will someone please tell me why men (namely The Intellectual, who at this point is not living up to his nickname) do not understand that no means no. He started texting me again and I've been polite because I thought he was just being 'friendly.' Sometimes I think I have too much faith in boys because he is definitely not thinking about friendship. He asked to come over - again. As much as I know that I need to screw someone else to help me get over TG, I just don't want to fall back into his trap. So I texted him back saying that I thought it was a bad idea for him to come over and that I'm not sleeping with people willy-nilly anymore. Yes, I just said willy-nilly. Get over it.

He responds back with: "Ok. I understand. I can't lie, though, I do miss coming over. Was nice. Was actually dreaming about it the other night." UGH. On the one hand, it makes me happy to know that he's sweating me when I haven't thought about sleeping with him in ages. On the other hand, I feel like he's still trying to entice me and you know how I am - "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Seriously, I'm getting that tattooed somewhere on my body because it is my life story. So now he's got me thinking about those pelvic lines. But, I'm trying to hold my ground. I really am. Because I know I'll just end up being disappointed in myself if I go through with this.

Jesus, take the wheel. I need some help on this one.

ex-sex is taking over my life.

It seems like men are always popping back into my life at the randomest intervals. I don't understand it. In the past 7 days, I've had 2 opportunities to have ex sex - one I took and the other one I'm going to take a pass on.

I think I mentioned that a few weeks back, I stupidly let Tall convince me that texting The Intellectual was a good idea. Now the stupid boy won't leave me alone. I keep getting random ass texts from him, which culminated in "What are you doing on Monday night?" When I said I was busy, he asked about Tuesday. I told him that I thought Tuesday could work and then he wrote back, "Cool. So I'll come over around 9pm?" Ugh. The thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill. I figured he just wanted to go out for coffee or something, not jump my bones. So now I don't know how to respond. I thought about it for a little bit. Sleeping with him is intriguing. He's good in bed, he has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life (double digits, people!) and he's built like a Greek god. The pelvic lines, he has the pelvic lines! Just going over it right now is making me want to change my mind, but I know I won't. You know why? Because I think after 24 years on this earth, I finally respect myself enough not to sleep with men who couldn't give two shits about me. It took a long time, a lot of hookups and mistakes, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can't let just anyone touch me.

Which brings me back to ex sex situation #1 - Tech Guy. Many of my friends want to know why that's different. Why I feel perfectly fine sleeping with him and I don't even hesitate when we're together. I guess it's because I know that there is genuine emotion there. I'm not saying it's the healthiest arrangement ever, but I will say this. The boy treats me with respect and respects all of me. When I come to SF, he doesn't make late night booty call arrangements with me. He takes me to dinner, he takes me to get drinks, and he only tries to get in my pants when he knows it's what I want. He doesn't assume that I'm going to just throw my panties at him. He asks me about my life and he tells me about his. He listens to my advice and really values what I have to say. He knows my body and my moods and what I like. He knows that I like it first thing in the morning and that I will wake him up for it and even when he's tired, he'll put in the effort. He tells me that I'm beautiful every time I see him, no matter what and he gets up early to text me before my plane takes off. He may not be perfect, we may have a rocky past, but goddamnit he doesn't treat me like a whore.

And that's why I will pass up the rock hard Adonis for the cuddly, squishy, nerdy engineer. Because when you stack them both up, it's quite clear which one comes out on top.

my life is always a shitshow, i love it.

Okay, so last night I went out drinking with Tall. Tall is one my Mock Trial buddies, totally platonic friendship. I hate that I have to qualify that but I feel like every chick I know assumes if you're getting drinks with a guy that one of you has ulterior motives. Not so in this case. We went to this swanky bar in the Financial District, which is where we both live. I don't know how, but somehow 3 cocktails had me pretty drunk. Not crazy drunk or anything, but my head was kind of spinning. Tall said I seemed fine, though. I'm always amazed at how well I hold my shit together when I'm blitzed out of my mind. I think that's step 1 to becoming a functioning alcoholic. I'm almost there you guys!!!

Anyway, while doing the drinks thing we talked about a bunch of different topics and then the discussion turned to dating. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea, but I allowed him to convince me to text The Intellectual, on a bet. I honestly did not think homeboy would respond and I would win the bet. So I texted him. I didn't hear anything for 10-15 minutes, so Tall and I went to grab pizza and went our respective ways. I get home, amuse my roommates with my drunkenness and then faceplant onto my bed. That's when I get a text message. I'm thinking it's The Intellectual being like WTF. Instead, nope - it's TG. Here's what he says "I'm looking forward to seeing you Monday, i'm date free now too." So in my drunkenness, I write back "I looking forward to seeing you too. What happened? If you're date free, you can see my hotel. It's pretty ;-)" And by hotel, I mean vagina. Wait?! What?! Who said that? Hahaha. I'm crazy - you should all know this. So um yeah. I don't know what that's about. This kid has been flip-flopping for a while, so I need to get to the bottom of this.

THEN, while I'm in the middle of that conversation, The Intellectual writes back. It is at that moment that I realize I have no desire to text him, talk to him or booty call him. So I write something awkward back. Haha. My life is ridiculous. I'm really hoping we leave it at those 2 text messages and that he doesn't try and contact me again or else this shit is going to be awkward.

Moral of the story: Don't drink and text. Stay safe, kiddies. =)

this could be fun!

Since I seem to be a magnet for all kinds of foolishness, I've decided to put these men on blast whenever they send me bullshit e-mails. I'm on this website, Meetup.com, which is like a networking site where you can join groups of people that have similar interests. This is how I found my feminist book club/activism group, as well as the Girls in Technology group. I really like it because you can browse by city and interest and find meetups in your local area. What I hate about it are the ridiculous men on the site who use it as some kind of dating database (which is not what the site is for). Here's a sample of some e-mails I've gotten in the past couple of weeks:

"I noticed your profile and was quite eye-opened.  Techy and Sexxxy (you!), is such an irresistable draw.  I wouldn't mind getting to know you offline or via another site." 

Wow, I'm sexy with 3xs. I must've really turned you on! I'm glad you're so eye-opened (is that even a fucking word?!?). Can somebody please tell me what he means by getting to know him via another site? Is he trying to find out if I run my own webcam site? Does he want me to set up a webcam site? Or does he want a strictly virtual relationship? I'm confused. PASS.

"I came across your profile in the movie meetup.  Very cute picture.  I see you are from [town on Long Island].  I grew up in [other town on Long Island]. Anyway, I'd love to know more about you, and if you'd like to know about me too, feel free to write."

I wish I could show you the picture that went along with this one. Seriously, he looked straight out of the serial killer hall of fame. I almost shut my account down after that one. No, Stu, I do not want to "know about you, too" - I want to know how to get creepsters like you to leave me alone.

And with that I think I'm going to put a picture of a fucking cat up on the meetup site because this shit is starting to wear me out.

Stay tuned for more posts...

updates on music man.

So I e-mailed the idiot the other day and basically told him that I was done with online dating, due to a bad experience with a crazy boy. I told him that I was living my life like a Catholic nun, swearing off boys until 2010. I figured brutal honesty was the way to go. I also ignored his Facebook friend request, hoping this would make an impression on him. Nope. He e-mailed back, asking me questions about my failed relationship with the crazy boy and telling me about his own life. Then he dropped a postscript saying that his initial e-mail was not a 'nostalgic booty-call' and that he hopes I didn't think that it was. Because I just can't help myself, I e-mailed him back saying that his e-mail had put me off and that I did view it as a booty-call e-mail and was wondering why the hell he'd e-mailed in the first place. We'll see what he has to say.

Men are fucking dumbasses sometimes. Or maybe I'm the dumbass for responding. I'm just too curious for my own good sometimes.

i am now convinced that men are crazy.

As most of you know, I've sworn off dating for the past four months and plan to do it for another four months after the horrible time I've had of it in NYC. Outside of sleeping with TG - which I greatly enjoy whenever we're on the same coast - I've been celibate. So here I am, ho-humming along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I get an e-mail from Music Man (see all posts tagged as such). OMG, WTF, seriously?!?! MM and I had a thing in January. We talked for forever, these epic 4 hour IM/texting sessions for a few weeks. Then we finally met up and we hooked up, but no sex. I was so proud of myself for not sleeping with him on the first date and thought everything was going well until he promptly disappeared and got really distant only to come out and tell me (after I practically forced him to) that he was seeing someone else. So, that was that, I was upset moved on. Now 9 months later, he's e-mailing me to see if I'd like to catch up and how my dating life is going. GTFO.

Now I have to figure out where to go from here. I don't want to see him again because he acted like an asshole. Not only that, but the hooking up was only eh. I'm trying to remember it and nothing really stands out, except for the fact that he didn't tell me when he was going to finish and almost ruined my sheets AND that he didn't seem to be too focused on me during the whole thing. It's amazing how being desperate clouds your judgment. Glad I'm over that. Also glad that I'm my bitchy self again. I think it makes life more entertaining =)

So, can I tell him that I've taken a vow of chastity and celibacy? Or maybe I can just tell him that I only sleep with men who give a shit about me when I have my clothes on, too. Or I can just ignore it. I'll sleep on it.

um, actually...

So in a highly amusing turn of events, it doesn't look like we'll be taking the apartment I mentioned earlier. Finally, somebody else's mom freaked out about an apartment! So yeah, J's mom read some pretty bad reviews online and doesn't want us to sign for the place. I'm perfectly happy with that decision, as we have a month to look and I was concerned about the small living room. I e-mailed The Banker, who called me last night to talk about the apartment. He thinks we're crazy for even wanting to live in the FiDi, but he did confirm some of the craziness of the apartment. It was such a mindfuck to talk to him, especially over the phone. He was insanely helpful, though. Honestly - he really didn't need to take the time to call and talk to me and he said he's always available if we have more questions. I guess he's not such an asshole after all. So yeah, back to the drawing board.

moment(s) of weakness.

When I die, I want three things to happen. (1) I want them to play Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" during the service, (2) I want to be cremated, and (3) I want a banner with the words 'The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" hung up in the funeral hall. Seriously, I think that I should get that tattooed onto my body because it's the story of my life. Luckily, I think I'm getting to a point where I'm starting to overcome that weakness, but that's not to say that every day isn't a battle of the wills. 

Last night I desperately wanted to call The Intellectual. Seriously, I kept fantasizing about it - it was disturbing. Now, I know I haven't gotten laid since April 15th (yay tax day!), but that's not enough time for me to be itching to be in bed with someone. However, I literally had my phone in my hand ready to text him to see if he wanted to come over. I mean, his body is just so incredibly amazing. I think this is truly the first time I've ever really wanted to act 100% like a man. When I think about sleeping with TG, it's all cuddly and mushy and girly. (I'm making a retching sound right now as I think about this). I just want him to hold me and talk to me and kiss and cuddle. Maybe it's because I really like him and I feel comfortable with him. With him, it's never just the physical, it's more about the emotional connection I feel. Don't get me wrong, I am totally craving that and I'm *praying* that the plans TG and I have made will pan out because I want to get my snuggle on - haha. But last night, what I really wanted was sex. Pure animal, ripping-each-other's-clothes-off sex. Sex with an incredibly sexy man. I don't know if I'm disturbed by this or proud. I don't want him to stay over, I don't want to talk or kiss or be affectionate. I just want him to bang me and leave, crude as it sounds. I resisted temptation last night, but I'm still contemplating giving him a call. We'll see.

I almost didn't go to boot camp today. The weather was so yucky outside that I seriously thought about just turning around and going home, but I went. Every day it's a struggle. Not to eat crappy food, to get enough exercise, to resist alcohol. Luckily, my body is getting used to some of it. Working out has become less of a problem and I've really been doing a good job in class and I pushed myself hard today. I have no desire to ingest any alcohol, which is shocking, but considering I go to bed at 9 pm and get up at 4:15 am, I don't even know when the fuck I would do any drinking. The food thing is really the only rub, but I'm slowly working on that.

Maybe one day I'll conquer my demons. I'm quite proud of myself for making it thus far. Just have to keep on keepin' on.

seriously, boys, go away!

Men are pissing me off lately. I thought it was just The Intellectual, but it's really all men. Today some 50+ year old man was staring me dead in the face today for like a minute. I pointedly avoided looking at him. My brother, my brother, you are old enough to be my fucking father - why do you think that I want to talk to you, date you, whatever with you? Grrr. Stupid men.

Anyway, The Intellectual. After he blew me off last time, I was done. I wasn't sure if I really meant that, but I think I do judging on recent events. The thought of having sex with him actually turns my stomach, which is shocking because he's smoking hot and really good in bed, but I just don't trust him anymore and apparently, I can't have sex if I don't trust that a man cares about me. Despite all the craziness in my dating life, I don't think I feel this way about any other man I've been with. I don't have that revulsion towards them, even the ones who've wronged me.

He texted me on Friday to see if I wanted to hang out that night. I told him no, that I was busy. Then he texted again on Sunday night and was like "I'm guessing you already have plans for tonight" Well, motherfucker, maybe if you asked in advance I'd be free. I told him I had plans to clean my room and go shopping and I didn't want any company. Ha. Love it. I just want him to go away. Because I feel like the more he messages me, the more likely I'll fall into the "why the hell not, it's just sex" trap and I don't think he deserves sex from me. I think he needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like he's so good with women when he's really a big tool. That's what I think.

So yeah, right now the only man I'm chatting with is TG, which is bad because I kind of freaked out a little bit to read on twitter that he had a date (it went poorly, but it was still a date). I don't really know how to handle this situation. I don't want to meet anyone new right now, so I'm just chilling, spending time with friends or alone. I'm just tired of bullshit. So so tired of bullshit.

we like boys!

I just feel like posting about men because I've literally done nothing at work and don't really have any intentions to do anything. Nearly my whole team is out for some reason and my whole cube is out, so I'm just chillin, doing nothing. I have a meeting in 20 and then I'll stick around for another 30 min or so, but I'm leaving early to go nap before I go to celebrate Slind's birthday! Wee! Love it!

So boys. Basically, I'm online again and picky as hell for some reason. I don't know why. I turn down nearly everyone I see. Too big, too small, too short, etc. I wish someone would come at me that actually peaks my interest. Some of these men look shady. I'll continue to stay on, though, and maybe I'll get a message from someone who doesn't weird me out. I'm really in no rush.

Fucking Intellectual texted me today, asking if I was free tonight. I told him I wasn't. Oh, well. Boo hoo. I guess it's just U & Ur Hand tonight. Haha - I'm evil. Truth be told, though, the thought of hooking up with him grosses me out. I don't know why, but I just don't trust him anymore and I think when you don't trust someone, the thought of screwing them is not appealing, even when they have 6 pack abs and a ridiculously large penis. I'm not used to trust issues with boys. I don't like it. TG may have been many things, but shady wasn't one of them. We'll see if The Intellectual has anything to say to me. He never responded back - maybe he realizes that I'm not somebody's plaything and he can't just have me when he wants me. To paraphrase Sex and the City (yeah, cliche, whatever, but it's one of my favorite lines) - "I may have liked him, but I like me more." So that's that. 

TG and I are talking a lot. Like daily. It's good and bad, but I like it - what else is new? Today he sent me kitty pics that I requested and offered to steal me a cat. HAHA. I like the dumbest shit, really.  I was also reminded of the time we were in bed and he told me I had thighs like a linebacker. He denies saying that, but a woman never forgets a comment like that. Shockingly enough, it amused me then and still does. I think I'm growing more secure with my body and quite frankly, some things I never minded. I mean, I have an athletic physique - the crew and rugby teams were always trying to recruit me. I mean, I don't look like a man or anything, but I'm probably stronger than the average woman. Anyhow, TANGENT. I just like talking to him. It's soothing in a way. I've missed it. Of course, when he gets a girlfriend again, I'm positive communication will be reduced. I have no hope of finding someone, so I'm sure he'll get there first. Oh well, facts of life.

Anyway, I should go read through my e-mail. My inbox is NUTS.

there comes a point where you have to ask ...

... how much do I value myself? What do I think I'm worth? Sigh. Sometimes I think I have 'doormat' stamped on my forehead. Other times I think I must really hate myself or have low self-esteem or no sense of worth. I don't know - or maybe it's just that I'm too nice, too willing to give chances to people. I'm not sure what it is, but whatever the cause may be I'm starting to get tired of dealing with men and their bullshit. Hell, with people and their bullshit.

Now, I know I'm an idiot - let me preface with that. I mentioned previously that The Intellectual and I had spoken and that we had agreed to play things by ear and potentially see each other again. Lately, he's been IMming and trying to see if we can get together. So we had tentatively decided on this week. I texted to figure out what day worked best for him. Yesterday I get a text back asking if I was free that night. I said yes and started to make the requisite plans for having him come over. Then, like 20 minutes later, he texts back asking if we can raincheck for Sunday. Whatever. I'm over it. I texted him back that I was busy Sunday and it would have to be some other time. By some other time, I mean the 34th of Never. I just don't understand how this boy can't even make a simple plan without canceling. I mean, I certainly don't expect or want anything relationshippy from him, but I think common decency dictates that you shouldn't just blow people off with no explanation. This is also not the first time that he's done this. I just have no patience for it anymore. Defriending him was the right step and I should've just ignored him when he called me on it and told him to go to hell and not contact me. Maybe I've finally learned my lesson.

It's not that I have a problem with casual sex (hi, I obviously don't... haha) or with coordinating busy schedules. I just have a problem with people who don't keep their word and who don't have enough respect for me to even give me the basics. So when he calls - I've learned with him it's a matter of when, not if - I'm going to tell him that I don't think he respects me and that quite frankly I don't have time for bullshit from men that don't even clear my bar in the first place (oh yeah, I went there). I wouldn't tolerate this from a friend, so why should I take it from him?

I really cannot wait for the chance to tell him off.