back and forth and back and forth.

Arg. Relationships. They kill me. Seriously, they do. I will never understand them or why I function the way I do within them. It's been long overdue, but I figure you all wanna know what's up with me and my boyfriend. I don't know if there's really a simple way to answer that question.

I'm a questioner, a doubter, an analyzer. I flip-flop about my feelings like nobody's business. One day, I want to break up and end it all and the next, I'm loving the relationship. I'm not really sure where my head is at because it doesn't stay in the same place at any given moment in time. I had a ton of heart to hearts with my friends about how I was going to end things because I wasn't sure how I felt about him and it was hard for me to stay with someone who was so obviously devoted to me when I was on the fence. Now, I'm changing my mind and thinking that this could be something really good for me.

Lately, the boy has stepped it up. I'm not even sure he's doing it consciously; I think we're just getting comfortable with each other. I'm also slowly but surely getting my sex drive back and he's been a huge part of it. Last weekend was kind of a breakthrough of sorts for me. We spent Friday night together and I was just really in the mood to knock his socks off and be as sex kittenish as I could be. Mission accomplished and it was a fun night. We took a break from hanging out Saturday and I got my much-needed "me time," but then we got back together on Sunday to head to a Super Bowl Party. I had fun - he seemed more relaxed and okay with hanging out with my friends. A good time had by all. He even managed to convince me to let him up to my apartment afterwards, where I accidentally gave him his Valentine's Day Sexual Favor gift early. Oh well, I'll have to think of something else crazy to do for actual V Day. It was just nice to give in to the moment and not worry about my work or anything. I just wanted to spend time with him.

I also did something that I've never done with anyone I've dated. We had the sexual fantasy talk. Like a real sexual fantasy talk. I always shy away from that discussion because, as you can imagine, I have some unorthodox sexual desires and I want to make sure a guy takes me seriously before I get into all of that. It was nice to be vulnerable in that way with someone and have him be vulnerable with me. Not only that, we were talking and I mentioned Good Vibrations (NSFW, obvs) - my absolute fave sex toy shop. Then yesterday, I get an IM from him telling me that he stopped by there and he *loved* it. He said he had a great discussion with the woman who works there about lube and condoms and oils, etc. I about died. I'm finally dating a guy who is open enough to not only talk about those things with me, but go out and explore them on his own. I was insanely shocked. He wants to go back with me to check stuff out. I really could faint right now with happiness.

But to bring it back to reality, I'm still not 100% sure that this is going to be a marriage-type relationship, but man oh man, was I wrong about it not being long term. I don't plan on bowing out anytime soon.

"i mean, what is love anyway?"

That question was posed to me by Jammerz about a year ago over hamburgers at a NYC pub. We'd been talking about my 'friends with benefits' relationship with TG when Jammerz asked me if I was in love with him. Then he followed that up with the aforementioned quote which made us both crack up because at the time it seemed like such a silly question.

I'm writing about this because last Wednesday night, the boyfriend told me he loved me. Um, yeah, Jammerz' question doesn't seem so silly anymore. To recap how it went down, it was pretty basic. The boy came over to watch some Walking Dead (hell yeah, zombies!) and afterwards we started to get frisky because nothing turns me on faster than a zombie TV show marathon. After we had both taken care of business, we were just lying in my bed recuperating when he turned to me and said "I hope I'm not out of line when I say this..." I think it shows how depraved I am that when he dropped that line, I literally thought the next thing out of his mouth was going to be "...but I think we should be having more anal sex." Let me tell you, that would've gotten a much more enthusiastic response than what he actually said, which was "... I love you, Cleo."

I was a little shell-shocked. I mean, I always knew he'd say it first, but I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. I thought maybe he'd do it on Valentine's Day or take me someplace special to say it. I told him I wasn't ready to say it back and that I'm not really a relationship person. I wanted him to know that he's my first real boyfriend and that I'd never said those words to any man before. He told me that I didn't need to say it back to him, he just wanted to express his feelings and he didn't want to scare me off. Aiya! What's a commitment-phobe to do?

I wanted to ask him how he knew he was in love with me and why. I just don't understand love. Seriously, I have no idea what it is or how I'll know it when I feel it. I love my friends and my family, but I'm not even sure when or how that love grew. I also think it's different from what I should be feeling for my boyfriend. I like him. I like him a lot. He's a good man and he's incredibly good to me and we're starting to have so much fun together. Little cute inside jokes, lots of laughing. It's going well, but I'm just not sure I think it's love yet. I think the possibility is there, but I need some time. All this has me wondering if some kind of timer has gone off. Like, do I have 1 month to return the feelings or *poof* he disappears? Is he going to say it again? Why am I such a cold-heart ed bitch. Honestly. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know a lot of women would kill to be in my situation - dating a solid guy with a job and a car who loves me and isn't ashamed to tell me. A guy who doesn't give me the run-around or get mad when I wanna do hoodrat shit with my friends. But no - instead, I'm a walking, talking relationship disaster.

I have no idea what's going to happen next, but I'll be sure to keep you all posted.

i have a boyfriend. this is weird.

So, I haven't been posting anything substantial lately and I'm so sorry! Haha - life has been kind of busy with working late nights and now my travel to NYC (yay! I'm here!). I haven't had too much time to post about the most substantial thing to happen to me in a good, long while. Yes, that's right - I am in a relationship. The Blexican (should I still call him that?) asked me if I was his girlfriend on Sunday night after I cooked for him and I actually said yes. It's Facebook official (God, I hate Facebook even more than I usually do) and my parents know and it's out there and real.

The verdict: I'm not as terrified as I thought I would be. Although, I'm still pretty terrified. Relationships scare me and I find them weird. I took the whole of Sunday night to repeat the word 'boyfriend' aloud as I sat doing work. "My boyfriend and I," "Well, my boyfriend said," "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." I must've sounded like a proper idiot, but when you've never had something and then you have it, it's strange.

I think this whole process - the dating and the subsequent relationship - have really made me think about myself. The fact is, being single has become a defining part of my identity. Having it taken away from me (even if it's by an incredibly sweet, wonderful guy) is scary. It's like if someone called me tomorrow and told me I wasn't black. It just throws me for a loop. I think that's the thing that so many of my friends don't understand. My singleness is a huge part of my life. It's something I've guarded, treasured, and grown accustomed to. I like being able to do whatever I want. I like not having to weight my boyfriend against my friends on a given night. I like going on trips solo without checking in with someone else. I tend to live my life on the seat of my pants and being single has allowed me the freedom to make monumental decisions without checking in with anyone else. If I want to move cross-country 3 times in 3 years, I can do it and it doesn't matter.

This is new territory for me, having to think about someone else's feelings and incorporate them into my plans. Like, obviously I should invite him to my company's holiday party (check. done.). But what about my New Years plans with my friends - am I obligated to invite him? It's this kind of stuff that kills me. I'm just not sure what to do. I mean, I'm excited in a way to have someone now, but to be honest, I've never really craved the attentions of a man in the 'boyfriend' sense so I alternate between being happy and being 'meh' about the whole thing. I think it'll just take some time for me to get used to it. And since I like him and think he's really awesome, I want to try harder to make this thing work. I'll be sure to keep you all posted along the way...

i'm back!

Hi friends! So, I'm hoping to get back to a regular posting schedule about my regular topics. I'm really enjoying exploring this whole relationship thing - it's invigorating and interesting. In other news, I also have major news on the work front, but I can't share it right now, so rawr! Instead, this is what I can talk about in my life.

The Blexican is coming over tomorrow night and I'm excited. I actually miss him. I think this whole 'him working til 1:30am Tues-Thurs' thing makes it easier for me to want to be with him. I need a little distance in my relationships to help them grow and his schedule allows me to have that. Not only that, he seems extremely supportive of my right to have my own life. I've never really been with anyone like that - at least not anyone that wanted to be with me. Sure, when you're hooking up with guys they don't care about that stuff because they just want sex. But, he seems to really want to be with me and yet he's totally down with the fact that I go on trips without him and that some nights I can't hang out because I wanna do my own thing. I like it. I'm not opposed to relationships at all, but I know that the relationship that I want is something unconventional and tailored to fit my own personal neuroses and he seems to be down for it. I don't want to be a 'we' couple - that's just not me. Most of it is trust - I don't trust anyone. Relationships, friendships, etc are fleeting and so I am always ready to walk away at a moment's notice, but I feel more trust for him than I have for anyone thus far. So, to show him my appreciation for being so sweet, I'm going to make him dinner on Sunday night. I'm excited and terrified. Additionally, if you want to see the most awkward thing in your life, watch me try to write an endearing text message. I don't know why, but I can't use things like 'sweetie or baby' without throwing up a little in my mouth. Then when I decided to use 'hun' instead, he made fun of me. Jesus, take the wheel - I need relationship help.

Anyway, since I'm doing all this soul-searching and whatnot, I've decided that this weekend we're going to have the Talk. Not necessarily the 'I wanna be your girlfriend' talk, but more like I want to know what he thinks of me, if he's seeing other girls (I'd bet my right arm he isn't, but I want to ask anyway), and where he thinks this can go.  I don't need some kind of crazy commitment right now, but I know myself - I avoid things that make me uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable and so I need to just do it. I don't think I can really explain to you all how nervous relationships make me. I've always been single - ALWAYS - and it's been a huge part of me. Giving it up feels sad, almost. I just want to make sure I do this right. When you're happy with yourself and you love yourself and you love being alone, it's hard to let someone into that without feeling a little nervous. I enjoy my lifestyle and changing it is going to be rough. But, I think I may have found someone that will let me be me and that's more valuable than anything else. Wish me luck!

i haven't given up yet.

So I'm still seeing The Blexican, but I'm still conflicted. He came over last night and the sex was amazing, as it always is. I have to say, compared to all the men I've slept with, I think the two of us are most on point and in sync. This isn't to say it's the best sex I've ever had (as the emotional part isn't there yet), but he's skilled, attentive, all those things. I enjoy him. I guess that's a plus.

I'm just a little nervous because I think his feelings are way stronger than mine. Like the way he looks at me - it makes me uncomfortable because I know that I'm not feeling quite that strongly yet. Or at all. I don't know when I became this monster or why, but it's really made me think about getting my booty into therapy ASAP. I feel like this level of neuroses and fear about relationships has to stem from some deep-rooted ridiculousness. Then the other half of me wants to challenge that assumption and say that there's nothing wrong with me just because I don't buy into society's image of a perfect life. ARG - frustration. I need to figure this shit out stat or I risk never knowing if I'm just not relationship-inclined or if something else is behind it. For a while, I thought it was maybe because I've been ditched by friends who've started seeing someone, but I know that's not it. While I do have friends who tend to get caught up in their relationships and stop seeing their girlfriends once a boy is in the picture, none of those chicks are inner circle friends. In fact, I'd argue that the girlfriends I made in college became my close friends mainly because of their tendency *not* to do that. My three closest sorority sisters are all people who have similar man issues to me. We're not exactly the same, but we all struggle with relationships and closeness and intimacy. That's why I love them - because when I talk to them, I know they just get it. There's no trying to sway me one way or the other. They just know that this is how I am and they get that I'm trying to work through it. So it's not that... I don't know what it is.

Moving has made me an extremely pensive person. In the course of the two months I've been here, I've been making major changes. I'm currently looking at all aspects of my life and trying to optimize - making sure I have the right people in my life, that I'm doing the work I love, and that I'm putting myself out there in all ways. I know it won't be easy, but I need to just keep working on myself and keep pushing through. I'm sure I'll get to my destination sometime, even if I'm not 100% sure where it is I'm trying to go.

ugh, i can't handle my ridiculousness.

I just realized I haven't written anything substantial about my life in a week! I've been sick - I have this horrible man-cough and can barely breathe. All I do is blow my nose - so attractive! I went out on Friday anyway, when cubemate came to SF to stay with me and party it up in the Mission. We had a fun night and I even invited The Blexican and a few of my girlfriends to come along. It was fun - we had these ridiculously strong margaritas at Latin American Club. I don't even think I can explain to you how much tequila was in them. That, and it was served in a pint glass. Needless to say, after one, we were shit-faced. The boy doesn't drink, so he was basically just listening to us ramble on about crazy things, being our typical bitchy, New York City selves. The rest of the weekend, I'm keeping it low-key and trying to get over my sickness. I was supposed to hang out with MB and Blondie, as well as The Blexican, but I canceled.

Which brings me to my current pensive state on dating The Blexican. I'm just confused and I feel like I'm over dating him and I don't even know why. The whole 'meeting the friends' thing was okay - he was just deathly silent. Like almost mute. I mean, I get that he was probably nervous and that it was all girls and whatnot, but I was hoping that he would talk a little more, especially since my friends did try to bring him into the conversation. I just wonder if a person with a personality like mine needs someone who is a bit more outgoing and exciting. Then the other half of me thinks - well, maybe it's better to be with someone a bit calmer and low-key. I don't know. I just have so many reservations and I think about how this could be a good 'starter relationship,' but that feels kind of bitchy. It's like - do I date just to date or should I be dating with a purpose? I mean, I can see us having a nice run of things, but I don't know how long it would last or if it's even wise to get involved when I'm not 100% there. But, I guess, I've never been 100% there with any man I've dated, at least never at the beginning. It takes me a long ass time to like someone. Maybe I haven't given him a fair shake.

Anyway, bottom line is this - I'm going to give it another 3 or 4 weeks and then revisit and see how I feel. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy myself as best I can and try not to stress. But the more I date and the less I get attached to anyone, the more I wonder if I even really want a relationship or a marriage or any of that. Maybe I'm just one of those free-spirited chicks who needs to do her own thing. Maybe I'm not meant for the conventional life. I'm pretty much okay with that, even if my friends and family aren't.

in which i break my promises, but i'm okay with it.

I tried the whole 'not having sex' thing... turns out it wasn't for me. But hear me out! I had good reason! So yes, I hung out with The Blexican this weekend. He picked me up at my apartment on Saturday afternoon and then we went back to his place, where he proceeded to cook me a steak dinner, with baked potatoes and corn on the cob. It was nice =) He started a fire in the fireplace and we ate the dinner by fire/candlelight. Swoon.

Can I just interject for a second to say that homeboy lives in a HOUSE. A frickin' house. Not an apartment. Not a condo. A HOUSE. Um, yeah - insanity. So basically, he has a huge kitchen, huge living room with fireplace and then 3 bedrooms (well, one is mostly a study for his animation shite, but it could be a bedroom). Crazy! Maybe Oakland ain't so bad after all. It was nice to chill out and talk. He showed me a picture of his mom (who used to live in the house with him, but then moved to Southern Cali) - she's pretty! He also tells me that she's crazy and a lot of fun - a definite partier. She left her liquor cabinet behind and OMFG is it stocked! Too bad he doesn't drink cuz we could have a lot of fun there. She sounds like someone I could get along with!

ANYWAY. Then we decided to watch a movie - he let me pick, so I chose Princess Bride, which shockingly I've never seen. After that, some making out on the couch and he asked me if I wanted to move into the bedroom. Of course, I said yes. He made me wait outside while he got it ready. So when I came in, there were candles lit and this huge four poster bed. Honestly, guys, I've never in my life had a guy do such sweet things for me EVER. Not before we'd had sex and not after, either. It was nice to see a guy actually work for it and treat me like a lady. So the night was, to use LG2's word *magical.* I had a good time and the sex was awesome. He's talented - haha. That's all I'm going to say about that since this kid could end up being my boyfriend (if I don't have a commitment-phobic reaction and run away). I stayed over and the morning was pretty magical, too. We went out to lunch and bowling this afternoon and then came back to my place to watch some DVR. Then he bounced.

Now I'm sitting and thinking about things and wondering what terrifies me so much about relationships. Because I'm still scared. Incredibly, inexplicably scared. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him because I'm a cyborg and God gave me a block of steel where my heart should be. Anyway, I'll write more about what it feels like to be an abnormal commitment-phobic ice princess tomorrow. For now, I'm going to go back to the DVR. Goodnight, folks!

reclaiming my sexuality.

I've decided to take back my virginity. Obviously, I'm not a virgin - I've slept with a bunch of dudes and I don't regret any of my sexual decisions - well, maybe that sketchball guy from the Bahamas who called me for 6 months after a one-night fling... but I digress. In general, I've owned every sexual encounter I've had and I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to that stuff. I don't think women (or men) should care what people think about their sex life. If you want to be a virgin til marriage or if you want to sex it up with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes along, that's your prerogative. Lately, though, I've been thinking about taking a different approach to my sexual encounters with men.

I'm easy. I'm not going to sugarcoat it or pretend - I'm incredibly easy to get into bed. If you want to date me or make me your girlfriend, that's where I get difficult. Giving my body has always been easy - giving anything more than that is where it gets tricky. I think it probably stems from the fact that I was an incredibly sex-obsessed kid who didn't do anything sexual. Years of pent up sexual frustration have led me to this place. I don't know why I didn't date or hook up or do anything with boys when I was in middle or high school. I just didn't. I had my first kiss the same night I lost my virginity. And I was 21. So um yeah... that gives me about 12 years of sexual desire unleashed in one night. Needless to say, when I had sex for the first time it was epic and probably the most intense night of my life. 

In the intervening 4 years, I've made up for lost time and I frequently just hop into bed with men without thinking about it. I think this is mostly because I never really wanted a relationship. I never understand people who need to be with someone - I think it's because I have intense friendships that pretty much give me everything I need. I've known my closest friends since middle school and we tell each other practically everything. Some of my friends think it's odd that I would regularly talk to Jammerz 6 hours a day, 7 days a week, but I don't know. I love my friends - I give everything I have to them. My inner circle - we speak daily. And for the rest, I make sure to schedule time to chat on the phone or we email regularly. I've never really needed that emotional connection to a man because I have it with, oh, about 8 other people. I need men for sex. Plain and simple. And of course, I never find a man that can give me that emotional stuff because I either (a) push him away because I don't need the emotional or (b) make him think I'm just a nympho that he doesn't have to respect as a person. Dilemma.

Now that I'm dating The Blexican, I've decided to try something different. I don't really want to have sex. I mean, I don't know what he thinks about that, but I've just decided that I want things to progress slowly. I don't want to just jump him because he's there - I want to get to know him as a person. As frustrating as it was to go on date after date without knowing if he was attracted to me, now that we've made out and I know he's into me, I don't really want to rush things. Who knew that it could be nice just to have a guy hold your hand or kiss your neck without it going any farther than that? With TG, I did things backwards. The sex happened first and then as a result, the feelings developed. Feelings that I don't know would have been there had I stopped and gotten to know him first and figure out if I thought we were compatible. This time, I want to establish that this is someone that deserves to sleep with me. So for now, I'm really not ready for anything too sexually intense. I just want to chill the fuck out and remain a 'virgin' with this one.

getting over your issues is scary.

I moved here to grow up. Most of my friends didn't really understand that, but I don't think most of my friends really understand me. I'm a complicated creature and don't expect anyone to really "get" me, but it's annoying when the people you care about are all "I don't understand why you're moving" even though I feel like I was perfectly clear. Whatever, I'm over it. I'm really hoping I can keep up this growing up thing, but it's truly scary. Even though I've been here for a little over a month, I feel like I'm starting to tackle some of my issues head on and it feels really fucking good.

The next problem I really need to get a handle on is my intimacy issues. I've been realizing how fucked up I am about men. I was talking to College BFF this weekend and she's really the only one that understands my craziness. The two of us cannot figure out why we're so screwed up about relationships. We both come from 2 family homes, with fathers that were around and present and provided for their families. Our parents have happy marriages and everything is hunky-dory at home. So I don't know why I'm one of the biggest commitment-phobes on Earth. Where do these issues come from?

I was thinking about Runaway Bride the other day. I remember when people would talk about those stories, girls would always be like, "I could never imagine doing that!" I always kept my mouth shut because I 100% could see myself doing that. Every "relationship" I've ever been in I've sprinted away from, not physically but emotionally, so I can totally see the physical manifestation of that. Just running away from the altar the day you're supposed to get married. It sounds logical to me. Relationships scare the shit out of me. I'm one of those girls who is always mentally preparing to break up with the person she's seeing. I've been in the middle of sex with people and have thought about how I was going to end it somewhere down the line. I haz relayshonship problemz like whoa. I can haz therapy?

So I'm trying really hard with The Blexican. Trying to just let go and not panic or do anything too quickly. I'm just going to stop being frightened and just go with it. Luckily, I have 3 weeks of being busy at work and that will most likely make me miss him instead of making me want to run for the hills. That's a plus. I just know I need to move forward with my life and stop getting nervous about letting a man into it. I'm getting there, but it's a fucking process.

last weekend of freedom.

This was the last weekend before I get sucked away into work, so I'll be updating much less frequently. Apologies in advance as I get ready to be abducted by my job. It sucks hardcore, but such is life. I had a fun weekend, though!

Friday night, I got home and got ready for The Blexican to come over. We watched a lot of stuff on my DVR, which was nice since he knew how behind I was on TV. Then he kissed me! Yay! I still don't know if we're 100% sexually compatible - I want him to be a little more sexually aggressive with me and his kissing style is a little different than what I like, but in general it was good. I like that he's super affectionate with me now and that he seems really attracted to me and he is happy to go at my pace. I've never really dated or hooked up with a guy who didn't mind taking it slow. Do you know that I've never just made out with a guy I was dating? The only time I even just kissed a guy was some rando at a club on New Years Eve. Other than that - kissing ALWAYS leads to sex with me, be it oral or vaginal. Wow, I just giggled when I typed the word 'vaginal' - so mature... So yeah, we're just kissing and doing some light middle-school type stuff. I did feel a little guilty because I keep getting him all hot and bothered and then telling him I want to go to sleep or kicking him out like I did last night. He doesn't seem to mind, though. I think he's pretty into me. He slept over on Friday and then came over again on Saturday night for a repeat. We watched Chappelle Show and I *love* that he can quote it just as much, if not more, than me. He remembers everything, even the little sketches. If you know me, you know that this is a HUGE turn-on. I mean, I basically have to screw him after seeing how much of a Chappelle fan he is =)

He's super sweet, though. When we said goodbye, he told me he was sad that I'm going to be working so much, but that he'll wait for me until November and that he hopes I can get some free time to see him, but he'll be patient if I can't. Swoon. I'm still wary, as always. It scares me to be with him and I'm being nitpicky about things I don't like about him, but in general I feel good. I had a palm/tarot reading today and the psychic was telling me that I should take things slow with him but that everything looks good. Even soul mate potential. I mean, I'm not going to start naming our children yet, but in general I do get a good feeling from him and it's nice to connect with someone again. I'm cautiously optimistic!

i'm really trying not to be smitten, but it's hard...

I am really liking The Blexican. Like really. I actually called him by his real name while talking to him with my girlfriends. Shit. This is very, very bad. When I like someone, I always fuck it up. Always. Flashbacks of every single interaction I've had with a man in 25 years are flitting through my head.

There was Michael, a blond boy from kindergarten who made me a sand pancake. I broke it. End of that relationship. Then I had a huge crush on Frank in middle school and accidentally punched him in the nose. It bled. Eek. More recently, the epic shitshow that was The Intellectual and TG. No need to even get into that.

I'm nervous. I'm especially nervous because we haven't established any sexual chemistry. I mean, I guess there's chemistry - in that we both want to do something physical, but we haven't gone for it yet, so I don't know how it will go. But I spent last night texting back and forth with him and it was really nice. He told me he really likes me and thinks we're a good match and he has no idea why I like him. He said some other really sweet things that I will keep to myself =) He's coming over on Friday night and I think this is it. The night. I'm scared. We have no plans. He wanted to come over and bring some groceries so we could cook together, but he's getting off of work too late, so instead he's going to help me put a dent in my DVR. Hopefully that won't be all he plans on doing, but we'll see.

Anyway, yeah, I like a boy. I hate myself for this. I enjoy being an automaton - it suits me =)

calmer.

So I'm a lot calmer now, even though it's been date 4 and all I've gotten is a kiss on the cheek. But, I'm going to take a step back, a deep breath, and try to explain this so it sounds rational.

Our date yesterday sucked. It sucked for a multitude of reasons. First of all, I was in a pissy mood, which I'm sure you could tell from reading the blog entry. Then, we had to go to the store to pick up something for the barbecue, which took forever to do. After that, it turned out that the BBQ we were supposed to go to started earlier than he thought, which meant when we got there there the food was gone and the grill was cold. Awesome. So now I'm feeling my favorite emotion - hanger. To top that off, I felt kind of out of place with the rest of the group since I didn't know anyone and he didn't really seem to know too many people, so it was kind of awkward. Us just standing there. One of the guys asked how we knew each other and I said we met online. Which felt weird - I didn't know what the proper response was. Maybe I should've said we're dating? Who knows. Whatever. Slightly awkward. Then we left and he drove me back home, since I told him I had too much to do to hang out with him at his movie night. He asked to come in to kill time and I let him. I felt better the second he came over and we started talking. It eased my mind a little, even though I knew nothing was going to happen. He left to head out and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I figure that's progress.

I decided to text him last night just so he knew that I wasn't giving up on him (although I spent most of the date picturing the best ways to break up with him). I got his reply this morning and he apologized for the weak goodnight kiss on the cheek and said he was afraid I'd slap him if he tried anything else. Sigh.

So let me just try to help everyone understand why I'm so frustrated by this. It all boils down to the fact that I have problems with the middle ground. I always have. At work, I'm either firing on all cylinders or lazing about. I'm the same way with relationships - I'm either desperately seeking one or telling the world I don't give a shit about men. I can't seem to find a balance. I was telling my coworkers today that I only give off two vibes - virgin or whore. I can never find that middle ground. With guys like The Russian, I'm able to give off complete 'fuck me, I'm a whore' vibes. With nice guys like The Blexican, I seem like the Virgin Mary herself. It's just hard for me to be somewhere in the middle. I'm pretty open about my sexuality with my friends and the men I have sex with, but the men I date, I can't always open up because I don't want to offend them. So with The Blexican, I get so angry because I feel like I can't make him see me as a sexual being. On the flip side, with guys like The Russian, I can't make them take me seriously. TG was the first man that I felt 100% comfortable being both sides of myself with, which is why he's so hard to let go. He knows that I'm smart, motivated, and funny, but he also knows that I like to have sex and send dirty text messages and play dress-up and do inappropriate things in public. He gets both sides. I just struggle with making men see me for who I am - the complete package. I get angry when I don't feel comfortable expressing both.

Sex is hugely important to me, mostly because of one of my biggest insecurities - my level of attractiveness. I've always tried to be really good in bed to offset any problems I have with my looks or my body. So when a man doesn't respond to me on that level, it's like getting punched in the face, basically. It's painful and it makes me lash out.

So, um, yeah. That's pretty much it. I'll keep you posted on any new developments.

i swear i can't handle this whole dating thing.

Warning: bitchy rant ahead.

So, The Blexican came over last night around 7pm and left at 2am... and nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. We watched one movie, so that's about 2 hours, leaving us with 5 hours of talking. My throat is raw from so much conversation and he didn't so much as hold my hand or kiss me. I can't handle it. I know it's only Date 3 and maybe other people move slowly, but I'm kind of the 'screw on the second date' type. I'm fine with not having sex with him - I didn't want to have sex with him yet, but I was hoping there would be some indication that this isn't just a friendship. I will never for the life of me understand why this is so difficult for me. I thank God for all the wonderful things he's done for me in my life and all the great friends and family I have, but seriously - when can I catch a fucking break? And I don't want to hear anything from anyone about how things will get better and one day I'll find my prince - yada yada yada, it's all bullshit. Unless you've been single your whole life like me and know what it feels like to have men either want to fuck you or be your friend, but not both, I just don't think any advice is going to be useful. Apologies if that sounds rude, but I'm frustrated and it sucks and I'm so ready to just start sleeping around again because at least that way, one of my base needs would be satisfied, instead of dealing with bullshit 24/7. ARG. I'm so upset I could cry. If I had a soul or human emotions, that is. Instead I have to grit my teeth, put on a sundress, and go to a barbecue with this man and his friends and smile and chat and be all happy and shit, when in reality I want to just curl up in my room, catch up on tivo, watch porn and masturbate. I considered canceling so I could do just that, but I know that that would be rude and I don't want to be a bitch. Well, I don't want to be a bigger bitch.

And no, I don't want to make the first move on him - that's not how I operate. And, yes - TG texted me last night around midnight and it made me think of how much I love the way he never has any problems touching me inappropriately in public or making me feel like the sexiest girl in the room. I'm not planning on getting back on that train, but boy do I miss it sometimes.

//end rant

I swear I'll write more about what actually happened once I stop seething.

could you have found a MAN?!?!?!

That lovely quote comes from my BFF and partner in crime, also known as College BFF. She is hands-down my favorite person to talk about dating with, because she's one of the few women in my life who shares my outlook and experiences with men. We're both bourgie black chicks with ridiculous personalities and unconventional ideas about relationships. There's never any judgment between us ever and I know she just gets me - she understands how hard it is to reconcile yourself to the fact that you may not live the life that every little girl thinks she will.

I told her about The Blexican and his dating approach and we both agreed that I'm not dealing with the typical manchild, dating-challenged asshole that I usually run after. It's possible that I just might be dating a man, a real live man. Someone who's not afraid to show interest, but isn't a creepster about it, who knows what he wants and doesn't think he has to ignore a woman to hold her interest. Honestly, it's incredibly refreshing. I've also noticed that not only am I dating a man, but I'm acting more like a woman in my relationships. I'm becoming more mature. I'm letting go and allowing things to happen - I'm not stressing out about anything, but taking it as it comes. For the first time in a long time, I'm trusting the universe to carry me to where I need to be when it comes to men. I'm enjoying it - I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I don't want to play games and I don't want to be with anyone that wants to do that either. I just want to feel comfortable and be myself.

I did have a slightly alarming thought recently, though. I thought about how I'm unsure if I want to get married. Ever. That was scary. I want to have children and I want a companion, but I don't know how I feel about marrying someone. It's terrifying because I love the idea of love - I've been flipping out with excitement because I have 3 weddings to go to and I'm so stoked - but I don't know if that life is meant for me. I don't know if I'll ever get there. This is totally creeptastic, but I always thought I would die young. I still sometimes think that, hope for it even. Maybe I was only meant to be on this earth for so long. Enjoying my youth and then passing on without having to be an adult. I'm so childlike about so many things that I don't know how adulthood would sit with me. I guess I'm doing fine now - I make my own money, support myself, and make shit happen, but I miss the days of not worrying about anything, not having to have any kind of responsibility. But anyway, now that I've thoroughly weirded everyone out...

Dating. Yes. I'm happy to be dating and enjoying the change of pace with this new boy. It's refreshing and exactly what I needed for my new life. Maybe I will grow up one day, just baby steps =)

i need a personal day.

Too bad I'm not getting one anytime soon. I'm so frickin exhausted and I was at work for 13 hours plus my 2 hour commute. Kill me in the face, please. I've decided in protest to come in at 11am tomorrow and still leave at my usual early time. Yay!

In good news, The Blexican texted me today. He invited me to a BBQ and movie night at a friends' place. I'm super excited, but incredibly nervous. I mean, I'll be meeting his friends and people he cares about. I'm just not used to that happening quite so quickly. You all should know by now that I *love* keeping my love life and my friendships separate. Although, I guess I have gotten used to blending them by inviting TG to things. It's just strange to meet friends so soon into the dating situation, but I think it'll be a good time. You really get a sense for a person when you see the kinds of people they choose to hang around. I'm looking forward to it. Although, I think it might ruin my chances of getting some hook-up time. I mean, I don't want to have sex with him because I think I'd be better served waiting, which is something I've never really tried doing. A kiss would be nice, though. Something to show me that he's actually interested in me as a woman and not just in my awesome conversational skills.

Anyhow, I need to get cracking - have some work to do before bedtime. Just thought I'd pop in quickly =)

date, the second.

Okay, second date last night and I'm still smitten with this kid. I'm totally 100% nervous that he doesn't like me sexually because he hasn't put any moves on me, but Senior Year Roomie and College BFF think it's fine and to give it time. I mean, he's definitely shy, so I know that he's probably biding his time. Plus, I also need to remember that not everyone is the 'let's just take off all of our clothes right away' type. I think I need to get away from that type. Plus, if we do decide to do the dirty, it will be better because we'll care about each other and it won't just be some random person.

Anyway, the date. He picked me up a little after 6:30pm and we drove over to the beach. We were kind of quiet in the car, which I don't mind. I hate when people just keep talking to fill time and space. We got there and walked around for a while - it was pretty watching the sunset and the fog roll in. Lots of conversation and it was nice. Then he asked me if I wanted to go home or if I wanted to do dinner, so we went to a cute Indian restaurant. Had a nice meal, he paid again, and we did a lot of talking. He knew I had to make an important phone call after dinner, so he got me dropped off before 9:30pm. I sent him a text at the end of the night telling him how much fun I had and apologizing for talking too much and that I hope we could hang out this weekend. He responded, "I had a lot of fun too and I love listening to your ramblings :) it was a very nice night and i can't wait to see you again :)" So yes, I'm excited! Still waiting on the physical. He was a little more complimentary last night - told me I had a nice dress on and was impressed by my mad Russian skillz.


I hope he'll text me during the week since I know it won't be until Sunday that we can hang out. Other than that, though, I'm just happy to be having a somewhat functional dating life. More updates to come! =)

umm, i think i went on a successful adult date.

Last night, I went on my first real date since April of 2009. I didn't kick anyone in the face. I kept my legs crossed and my panties on. I was super charming and awesome. I'm incredibly happy right now. I'm even happier because I got a text from him this afternoon asking me if I wanted to go to the beach with him tonight. Eek - beach date! I'm nervous because it sounds so romantic and we all know how I deal with romance. I run from it, kicking and screaming, shrieking at the top of my lungs. Shit, I want to run now and I still have 4 hours before he comes to pick me up. Jesus take the wheel!

Anyhow, recap of the date. We met up at the movie theatre and we were both there super early. The plan was to see Machete. He was there before I got there, but I was on time, so it's good. He'd already bought the tickets (I love when they do that - it makes it so much less awkward as you try to finagle who's going to pay) and we had an hour to kill so we talked. It was a little awkward at first - he's the quiet type - but we decided to take a walk and had a nice chat. He's cute. Super cute. Like one of those bohemian black guys cute. He's half black, half Mexican and has this phenomenally beautiful curly hair. Like it's just ridiculously beautiful. I wanted to touch it, but that would've been really fucking awkward and I was trying not to lose my shit. He's not super tall, but he's probably 3'' taller than me - so like 6 feet even. He has a slim waist, but toned shoulders and chest. I'm sure he looks stellar with his clothes off. Not that I'm thinking about him with his clothes off, just an observation =P

The movie was enjoyable - I think we both have the same sense of humor so we enjoyed it. After the movie, we walked to a little Mexican spot and ate and chatted for about 2 hours. It was mostly me talking, but he was engaged and laughed a lot. He has cute dimples. Then he drove me home (score! he has a car. check plus) and we said goodnight. No hug or kiss or anything, but I think he's shy, so I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't sure what to do - if I should text him to say I had a good time or what, but then he wrote me an email and said he had a great time and wants to hang out soon and thinks I'm an 'exceptional conversationalist' - code for 'you talk too much' - haha. He apologized for being quiet and said he gets louder when he opens up. Then today he texted me to see if I wanted to hang out since he works the night shift most nights and we won't be able to hang out for another week. I know Senior Year Roomie is going to kill me because I have to postpone our phone date (don't hate me, please!), but I'm hoping to see him before work goes nuts. Anyhow, I'l follow up about the beach date tomorrow. Send me non-awkward vibes!