30 Days of Truth: Day 30

Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Yay! I made it - 30 days of truth! Here's my letter:

Dear CJ,

I fucking love you. You are an amazing person, despite your craziness (or maybe because of it). You go for what you want, you work hard, and you still manage to have a good time. Your sense of humor keeps your friends, acquaintances and coworkers cracking up. After several years of living in a die-hard New York family, you've got sarcasm down pat. Never lose your crisp wit, no matter how many years you spend in California. You are a good writer. Remember that - you forget it too often. You are an excellent friend and whenever you're tempted to think you're not, remember how many people are still in your life. You have friends from elementary, middle, and high school. You have camp friends and college friends, sorority sisters and work friends. You should consider that to be one of your greatest accomplishments and a testament to your personality.

You never take the easy road. You are always challenging yourself and that is a beautiful thing. You constantly look for ways to do new things and have new experiences. From three cross-country moves to a job change to chopping off all of your hair, you are fearless and it has made your life extremely rewarding. Over the years, you've become more at peace with who you are as a person - your faults, quirks, and weakness. Continue to embrace them and never allow anyone to tell you that the way you live your life is wrong. One of the best qualities you have is your ability to laugh through anything. Your smile and laughter is infectious and you should always keep it. 

You are extremely intelligent and curious about so many things and I love that. You explore cultures and languages that are not your own. You read voraciously about a number of different topics. You never let your mind lay dormant. I love how crazy OCD you are - how you make lists each morning that tell you to brush your teeth or wash your face. People think you're nutso, but in reality you're just extremely organized and there's nothing wrong with that.

Last, but not least - you are beautiful. I know you don't believe this 95% of the time, but it's true. From your curves to your full lips to your nose and your crazy/kinky/curly hair, embrace all the beauty that you have as a woman. Remember to always love yourself, regardless of anything life throws your way.

Love always,

Me

30 Days of Truth: Day 29

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I think the biggest thing I want to change about myself is my ability (or lack thereof) to have difficult conversations and face conflict head on. I feel very wishy-washy a lot of the time and I'm often afraid to talk about anything that I think may offend or hurt someone, even if I'm hurting and offended as a result of something they did. I like to consider myself a very strong person - I embrace change, I actively seek out ways to improve my life, and I've learned to be comfortable with the life I've created. I'm self-reliant and I like that. But, that being said - I still shirk from telling people off when they need to be told off. I let my friends say and do things that upset me without challenging them. And in my career, I'm often silent about important things. That really needs to stop. You can be as secure as you like on the inside, but if you're don't project that externally, you'll never get everything you want.

So in the next year, I want to get bolder and more proactive about facing conflict head on and being the real me 100% of the time, without reservation.

30 days of Truth: Day 28

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Ugh, this is a touchy subject now that I have a significant other. It's also a touchy subject because now I'm having sex on a regular basis and I'm not on birth control because of my blood clot. Umm, need to get my IUD stat. But, anyway... I'm not really sure what I would do until I was faced with that situation. When I think about having a child, I get so nervous - I mean, it's something I definitely want to do down the road, but I want to do it the way I think it should be done - either within a marriage or when I decide that I'm financially ready to do it on my own. I would really need to think long and hard about it and an abortion would be a very real choice. I just hope that I don't have to deal with that anytime soon.

30 days of Truth: Day 27

Day 27: What's the best thing going for you right now?

I think the best thing I have going for me is my dedication to creating the life I want. The fact that I don't resist change, but embrace it wholeheartedly. That I'm always working on myself, no matter what. That I refuse to be stagnant. I am always trying to move forward and that's what has helped me get as far as I have already. I know I have more work to do to create the life I want, but I'm not afraid of the work and I'm ready to get started.

30 Days of Truth: Day 26

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up life? If so, when and why?

As I mentioned in Day 25, I was super depressed in my preteen years, back in middle school. I definitely contemplated suicide and for a period of about 6 months or so, I cut myself on a regular basis. This is something I never really share broadly and I struggled with whether or not I wanted to write about it here, but this is 30 Days of Truth and not 30 Days of Half-Truths. I guess I just felt lonely and I had so much trouble with my parents - it was like we fought all the time. I hung out with kids who liked to do bad things and it wasn't really what I wanted for myself. I got in trouble in school - something that rarely ever happened to me - and I was just in a bad place. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and so I just retreated into myself. The cutting just kind of happened accidentally. It never really escalated to a point where I was concerned, but it certainly wasn't a high point in my life.

As I mentioned before, faith in God really got me out of it. Believing in something higher than myself gave me the courage I needed to turn things around. I made new friends (the vast majority of which I still talk to today), I repaired my relationship with my parents, and I continued to excel in school and athletics. I was able to fix things and the experience taught me that in the future instead of hurting myself, I should look at what was wrong in my life and go about proactively changing it. That being said, I wish I would've had the courage to talk to a professional to make sure that everything was okay, but luckily it all worked out and I was able to push through. I would encourage anyone reading this who is contemplating hurting themselves to find someone to talk to - a counselor, professor, psychologist, etc. - because sometimes the problem isn't something you can't solve alone.

30 Days of Truth: Day 25

Day 25: The reason you believe you're still alive today.

This might be shocking to most of you, but I believe the reason I'm still alive today is because of God and faith. There have been a few dark times in my life and the most vivid one was when I was a teenager, growing up in my parents house and hating the world. I had many dark thoughts then, but I was also going through my confirmation at the time. I decided to read the entire New Testament and try to renew my faith in God. I can't really explain what happened to me, but I basically grew closer in my relationship to a power greater than myself and this faith propels me even today. I believe that the Universe has always looked out for me. I was an unwanted bastard child born to an unwed 16 year old girl - God found me a home with two wonderful parents who gave me everything I could ever dream of. I've made excellent friends, gone to a good school, snagged a good job, and have achieved a level of independence I never thought possible. I see God in all of these wonderful things and I trust that God will lead me where I need to go. So even though I don't go to church anymore, I will always believe in a Divine Power that watches over me and I believe that's why I'm still alive today.

30 Days of Truth: Day 24

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

I've decided to copy C and make this playlist for any man who wants to successfully date me.

Meredith Brooks "Bitch"

I don't even know if I need to explain this, but it's like this song was made for me. I'm difficult - notoriously so - and I may be slightly neurotic and not as outwardly emotional as your average woman, but this is who I am. Take it or leave it.

Alanis Morissette "Head Over Feet"

"You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that." This is what I imagine it will be like if and when I fall in love - reluctantly but completely.

Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical"

Ridiculous? Yes. Cheesy? Definitely. I still love it and it reminds me of all the third and fourth dates I've gone on where nothing has happened. If you want to be with me, the physical is SO important. I'm not saying you have to be a porn star, but you're gonna have to take the lead and kiss me. I like men who are sexually aggressive, so bring it.

Beyonce "Upgrade You"
If there's one thing I am, it's upwardly mobile. I want my relationship to reflect that. Any man that I'm with, I'm gonna support him and try to make him the best he can be. I hope that he'd do the same for me. Two words: power couple.


Billie Holiday "The Very Thought of You"
I love Billie Holiday to death. I find this song to be so sweet. On the rare occasion that I'm besotted with someone, this is what it's like. I just think of them and can't focus on anything else. It's one of my favorite feelings in the world.


Jekyll & Hyde "Take Me As I Am"
No playlist of mine is free of showtunes. I love this song because it really sums up everything I want from a partner - you take me for who I am and I'll do the same thing for you. No changing each other - just complete and total acceptance, flaws and all.


Coldplay "Fix You"
This is a side of me that most people don't get to see, but when I really like a guy, I love it when he's there to help me solve my problems. When I hear this song (that Chris Martin wrote for Gwyneth Paltrow when her father died), it just makes me melt. I want someone to want to be there or me in that way. To help me with anything and fix me when I need it.


Dido "Hunter"
This is a break-up song, but I think it describes me to a tee. The thing is, I'm always going to want to "be a hunter again." I'm never going to be comfortable with your standard relationship and there's going to be a part of me that wants to roam and be independent. If you want to be with me, you're going to have to be comfortable with that side of me and give me room to be myself, even when that means I want to be alone. I never cheat and I'm insanely loyal, but I need space. Respect that.

Lady Gaga "Pokerface"
My typical stance in relationships - "I won't tell you that I love you / Kiss or hug you / Cuz I'm bluffin with my muffin"


The Lonely Island "Jizz In My Pants"
Why on earth would anyone include a song like this on a playlist for their future man? Basically, I like to laugh - a lot. I also have a dirty sense of humor. If you don't like either of those things, it ain't gonna work. I think this song can give any potential man an idea of what I think is funny and will probably prepare them for the absolutely ridiculous things that will come out of my mouth.

30 Days of Truth: Day 23

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

This one is easy for me - I wish I had spent some time abroad. I was planning to apply for programs for my junior year, but sophomore year was brutal for me. I hated everything and wasn't happy and had just started to put into motion the plan that was going to make my life better - joining a sorority, throwing myself into theatre. So I scrapped the application because I knew it just wasn't the right time for me. I didn't want to improve things only to leave them. 

I like to think I'm a pretty educated, intelligent girl, but I'm not worldly in the sense of travel. I have friends from all different ethnicities and backgrounds and know a lot about different cultures, but I've never really been out of the United States. I went to Germany when I was 5 and I made one trip to Canada for Spring Break in college - I don't even know if those experiences should count. I'm not really sure if my life is in a place right now where I could spend any long-term time abroad, but I hope I at least get to travel and see some new places, even if it's just for a week or two. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

This one is really difficult because I believe every action you take in your life puts you on a path towards something and so even if you can't see it in the present, it doesn't mean that it's not a positive in some way. That being said, I think I'm going to list the one sexual experience that truly made me feel disgusting. I hooked up with this really not attractive guy in the Bahamas in a moment of weakness and I wish I hadn't have done it. It was spring break and I was on vacation with MB and we were at this club. I wasn't even drunk or attracted to him - I was just bored, which is no reason to do anything. I stupidly went off with him to this abandoned doctor's office place and it was just bad news bears. I'm lucky that he didn't force me to do something I didn't want to or that he didn't chop me up into little pieces. It was stupid and senseless and I really shouldn't have done it. I'm all about sex positivity and doing what you feel like sexually, but I didn't even have a strong desire to hook up with him - I kind of just went with the flow. 

A few years have passed since that happened, and I've learned a lot more about taking control of my sexuality in a way that feels healthy and safe to me. Oh, I also learned not to give my phone number out to strange men I don't like because homeboy called me for MONTHS afterwards, promising to fly me back out to the Bahamas. Yeah... lesson learned.

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This one is a no-brainer - I would go and run to my friend. I've said this a million times, but my friends are the most important people in my life. I would never let anything like a stupid fight get in the way of supporting them, especially if they were hurt. I'd be at the hospital praying and if I couldn't get there, then I'd be on the phone with their parents making sure everything was okay and doing whatever I could for them. There are a lot of horrible things people can (and have) said about me - but no one can ever accuse me of being a shitty friend.

30 Days of Truth: Day 20

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Umm, more of them? I'm a pretty big fan of both drugs and alcohol, as I'm sure most of you know - especially alcohol. In the words of my BFF, "I've had a longer relationship with a bottle of vodka than any man I've dated." Alcohol has always been there for me - social lubricant, tension reliever, and party starter all in one. I'm a fan. I'm the ultimate hippie child when it comes to drugs, so I think they should just be legal. If you want to put whatever into your body, go ahead - it's your responsibility to moderate it. I know that's not a popular view, but that's how I feel. I guess, though, that I'm a person who's good with boundaries and so I very rarely take it over the edge. You can ask almost anyone - I handle my alcohol exceptionally well. It's truly a skill. As far as drugs go, I've only really done pot and once I snorted a crushed up oxycodone. I'm not really too interested in drugs, but I'm also not interested in taking them away from people who use them recreationally. Hell, I think the government should profit off it. More money for them, more regulation, and less shadiness associated with drug dealing and distribution. But, hey that's just my opinion.

30 Days of Truth: Day 19

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Religion - I have a funny history with religion. When I was younger, I was kind of obsessed with it. I've read the Bible from cover to cover and when I was younger and depressed, religion kind of saved me. However, I've always held unconventional beliefs for a Christian - for example, I believe in reincarnation and I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. My parents were always super cool with my unconventional beliefs - I think they just wanted me to believe in God, everything else was unimportant.

When I grew up, though, I stopped identifying as Christian or going to church. I'm still very spiritual - I believe in God strongly and that phe (God is genderless to me) touches everything I do. I still enjoy going to church on Easter Sunday and I believe in some tenets of Christianity, but in general I do my own thing and hope for the best.

Politics - I am the least political smart person you will ever meet. I just really don't care about politics at all, even though I know I should. I'm definitely more liberal than anything else - I love gays and civil rights and fluffy bunnies and all of that. Fiscally, I don't know anything about anything, so I don't really know what to identify as. I vote when it's important, but that may not be every single election cycle (::shameface::). I think it boils down to the fact that I don't trust politicians, for one. It's a dirty business and even the best of them have to play the game to some extent. To add to that, I'm a person who resists having strong opinions about most things, so I'm easily swayed by political debate. Sometimes I get saddened by the fact that I just don't care and I'm not extremely knowledgeable about the issues, but then I know that it's just not something I'm interested in. I know it's not hip to be apathetic, but I can be sometimes. Sad, but true.

30 Days of Truth: Day 18

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

I am a full-fledged supporter of gay marriage. I think that any two people who love each other should be afforded the same rights, respect, and recognition that heterosexual people receive. It hurts me so much that gay people are treated as 'less than' the rest of us because they have a different sexual orientation. That they can't adopt children or have the same benefits at work. I just think that love is a special, unique thing and when you find it - whether it's with a man or a woman - you should be able to get married.

30 Days of Truth: Day 17

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Hands down, A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. That book has totally changed my life. "Does God want goodness or the choice of goodness? Is a man who chooses to be bad perhaps in some way better than a man who has the good imposed upon him?" That pretty much sums up my life philosophy right there. For so long, I tried to be so many things that I'm not - consistently striving to be a model of perfection that I would never be able to attain. Reading about Alex and his band of hooligans with their crazy Nadsat slang made me realize that I don't want to be a 'clockwork orange' - something living and breathing and full of life that's been turned into a machine. I want to choose my own path in this world and if that means that I do things that some people find questionable, so be it. I'm just happy to be me. What good is being a perfect person, if you're forced into it? It's better off to just follow your heart and do you, regardless.

So that's how I'm living my life - loud, proud, bold, and unapologetically me.

30 Days of Truth: Day 16

Day 16: Someone or something you could definitely live without.

I could definitely live without racism, hatred, and intolerance.

I've never understood why people feel the need to make fun of or torture people for being different from themselves. There is so much beauty in difference and at the end of the day, what should really matter is what kind of person you are, not who you sleep with, where your mother grew up, or whether you have a penis or a vagina. I just don't get why anyone would want to spend their energy hating another group of people. It's senseless to me.

30 Days of Truth: Day 15

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Is it bad that the first thing I thought of was alcohol? All joking aside, though - I could not live without books. I love reading wayyyy too much to ever give it up. Ever since I was a small child, I've been reading. As the only girl and the oldest by 5 years, I didn't really have a lot of playtime with my siblings since they weren't interested in me and I wasn't interested in them. So instead I read. All the time. To this day, I'm not happy unless I'm reading a minimum of three books at the same time. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 14

Day 14: A hero that has let you down (letter).

Well, this one is pretty easy - I don't really have any heroes, outside of my parents and while they've certainly proved they're not perfect, they've never let me down per se. So no dice on this one. Hopefully tomorrow's truth is more exciting!

30 Days of Truth: Day 13

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

Warning: This is going to be, in the words of my gay male friends who say I'm more of a homosexual male than they are, the gayest shit you've ever read. I can't help it - I gotta do me!

Dear Massive Showtunes Collection,

Thank you for always making me smile whenever I need a pick me up. As a young girl, whenever the world was beating me down and I felt like no one understood what I was going through, listening to Jean Valjean and Inspector Javert of Les Miz really helped me get through it. The lyrics didn't even have to correspond to what was going on - I just loved the theatricality of it all. I saw Les Miz three times on Broadway (once front row - holla!) and to this day, it's still one of my fave soundtracks to blast. 

I can't forget the music of Hair, helping me embrace my hippie side whenever I feel like I'm getting too corporate. Listening to Gypsy for the first time as a young girl, I hoped one day I could grow up to shake my thang onstage, but thankfully for my parents, that never came to pass. Rocky Horror Picture Show and Hedwig and the Angry Inch introduced me to the land of the freaks, a place where I feel completely comfortable and happy and okay to be a little crazy. I still maintain that when I have kids, they are going to learn all the lyrics to Origin of Love from Hedwig and that's going to be how I explain the birds and the bees to them. I didn't discover that musical until college, but it totally changed my world.

As silly as this may seem, as a little girl who grew up excruciatingly shy in the suburbs of Long Island, something about you, showtunes, really stuck with me. The lyrics that made me *feel* something, the grandiose nature of some of the shows - all of it made me feel like I was ready to burst out of my shell, something that I eventually did. I've always had a flair for the dramatic and showtunes brought that out in me - celebrated it, even when others didn't. So thanks for that =)

30 Days of Truth: Day 12

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

My amazing ability to be single forever. Haha - okay, I'm being a little snarky with this one, but I think my 'alone' skills are amazing and that more people should recognize them. I've lived for 25 years without having a single boyfriend. Yes, I've dated men (one for over 8 months), but I've yet to let any man claim me and I think that ought to be celebrated. I feel like this world celebrates women who pair off and counts the rest of us as depressed, lonely spinsters. This just isn't fair or even accurate. I have tons of female friends who are just like me - perpetually single and fucking fabulous - and I think we deserve a round of applause. As an adopted black chick with a Latino last name, I will never, ever fit into societies standards of normal and I take issue with being viewed as 'less than' because my life's aspirations don't begin and end with a relationship. My vision of feminist is one where we all respect each other's choices - whether that's being with someone (which I think is great! Yay! Relationships! Marriage! Woo hoo!) or being alone (which kind of happens to be my forte).Too often I feel like my relationshipped friends view me as some sort of sad creature who maybe one day will be initiated into the cool kids club that is having a boyfriend. I wish more people thought my independent streak was rad and not some sign of deviance or abnormal character traits. So yeah, people - celebrate my independence, damnit!

- Love always,

CJ (who will *always* be an independent woman no matter what her relationship status may be)

30 days of Truth: Day 11

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Physically -  it's definitely my smile. Men, women, and children all tell me that I have a beautiful smile and a great laugh. It's nice to hear, since I can be incredibly moody at times, so it's good to know that when I'm genuinely happy it shows. The Blexican is constantly complimenting me on it and I remember in my female sexuality workshop at college, so many of the girls would say the same.

This is an awkward truth for some reason, lol.