i just cut off my hair.

It is less than an inch short. Can you believe it? I can't. I'm still in awe. Work peeps like it a lot and say it brings out my cheekbones. I say I'm not wearing pants for a year until it grows out long enough that I don't get called sir. HAHA. Also, my skin has to be on point for a while since all you see is my FACE. Did I also mention that I'm not going to eat anymore so I can lose weight and not look like a pudgy man?

All in all, though - I like it. With a nice pair of earrings and some makeup, I think I could even be considered pretty. Yay?!

hair crisis.

I had written a while back about my hair and how I was going to stop straightening it. I thought I was totally set with going natural and being free and hippie-like and Black is Beautiful. Go me! However, now I'm having a serious panic attack over it. I was randomly browsing on Facebook and saw a photo of myself the last time I went natural and all I could think was, I cannot look like that again. That was one of the most awkward periods of my life - not only had I radically chopped off my hair, but I had this weird rash thing on my face, I was pledging a frickin sorority and doing theatre like 24/7. It was hellish. I'd like to think that I'm in a better place now, but I don't know if I'm ready to feel unattractive just yet. I'd like to think that I can do it differently this time and find a style that I really like. I'm living in New York City, there are tons of black salons and hair care shops around, and there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to find a natural style that works for me.

I know this entry seems shallow and vapid, but I don't think people really understand the importance of hair in black culture. In addition to skin color, hair is a really big deal in the African-American community. The way you choose to style your hair as a black woman says something about you whether you want it to or not. I constantly get frustrated because it seems like as a black woman, I can't do anything to my body without it being a political statement, due to the complicated nature of race in America. Just because I choose to straighten my hair doesn't mean I don't appreciate natural black beauty or that I'm conforming to white standards of what is beautiful. I also don't think that wearing your hair natural makes you some radical, Afrocentric activist. Sometimes hair is just hair. But, I guess history and society have robbed me of the ability to make choices that don't have values subscribed to them.

It does bother me, however, that I don't know how to deal with my natural hair. When I stopped relaxing it, I had no idea how to style it and no clue how to take care of it. I know there are tons of options for handling natural hair that don't necessarily mean rocking a short Afro - I just need to find something that works for me. I refuse to give up on this just yet. I'd really like to try and do this the right way to see what really works for me. I'm tired of hair being such a big deal. I wish we could just get over it. Maybe that's asking too much, but I'm going to try and do my own thing and not worry about what people think.

i am not my hair...

... but maybe I am. I'm going through a hair crisis right now. I go through these fairly periodically (crises, I mean... I'm seemingly always on the edge of insanity). Anyway, I'm not sure what I want to do with my hair. I've gone through a million phases with it - relaxers, braids (my own hair), braids (extensions), mini fro, curl perm. Just about the only things I haven't done are shave it bald or get a weave. I thought I had a really good thing going at this Dominican salon I go to - they relax and style my hair and they get it straighter than I've ever seen before. 

However, I also have this horrible scalp condition that makes my scalp horribly dry and scaly at times. I'm lucky in that I don't have an extreme case of it (seriously, when I google image searched it, I wanted to vomit - thank GOD my scalp doesn't look like that), but it's still a colossal pain in the ass to treat. Namely because most of the treatments require you to wash your hair with this medicated, prescription shampoo every two days. That doesn't sound so horrible, but African-American hair is wayyyy too sensitive to wash that frequently. So, I'm unsure of what to do because sometimes the condition shows up (like now) and sometimes it goes away for months at a time. As most of you know, I chemically relax (straighten) my hair every 6 weeks. I'm sure that that's probably not healthy for my condition, but I haven't been able to find a definitive answer about how great the damage is. I guess what I want to know is what the fuck I can do to keep my hair healthy and happy and not look horrible in the process. 

Sometimes I wish I had some sort of scientific skill because I hate the fact that if you're black, there are so few resources available to you if you have a dermatological problem. Not only do I have this scalp issue, but I have some other hereditary skin problems (biological mother - you were a hot mess, fyi) that I haven't been able to solve. So now, I have to spend precious time hunting down a dermatologist that specializes in black skin care (which I'm sure will be time-consuming and expensive). UGH. I guess for right now, I'm just going to stop relaxing my hair, start using these special tar shampoos and hope for the best with my search. In the meantime, I'll try not to look too beastly.

the great hair debate.

Yet again, I'm unsure what the fuck I want to do with my hair. Being a black woman in San Francisco sucks. I'm serious. There are practically no resources. Well, unless you go to Oakland and I don't have a car nor do I think it's a sustainable lifestyle choice to pick a salon that's far away. I'm still trying to figure out the reason why black people don't live here. Or at least not enough for me to be satisfied with. I was talking to Freshman Year Best Friend and even he admitted that after he listened to my complaint, he took a look around and realized that while certain racial minorities are represented here, not all of them are.

I struggle with race sometimes. Okay all the time. Especially since I've moved to SF and also since my friendship with my Long Island friends has grown stronger. I've talked to Slind about this a number of times. We talked about how for most of our lives, it's just been easier to relate to our colored friends because despite all the differences between our races (my best friends are filipino, egyptian, indian, korean, etc), we're still minorities in America which carries with it a certain upbringing and a certain awareness. I miss that awareness. It doesn't exist here in hippy-dippy, we-love-everyone San Francisco.

But anyway, I digress. This is about hair. Right now I get my hair relaxed (chemically straightened - ugh, even having to explain that annoys me. haha). However, I'm late on my standing every-six-weeks appointment. And I've been thinking about going natural and finding something to do with my natural hair. I've also considered going back to the braids look. Or I guess I can just suck it up and go back and relax it. UGH. There's issues with any of those options. In other news, I'm going to try and do a straw set on Friday night to see if I think it looks cute. If so, then I might just start transitioning from relaxer to no-relaxer.

Wish me luck! I'm notoriously horrible at doing any hair-care procedure myself.