birthday updates!

I will admit that I wasn't really looking forward to the whole 26th birthday on a work trip thing. I mean, I've never been a huge birthday person - I don't take the whole week off or chat about it incessantly, but I usually like to be in whatever city I live in, surrounded by the people that know me the best. So I was a little skeptical about actually having fun, but I have to say that it was a truly amazing day!

Woke up bright and early to catch my flight to Phoenix, Arizona. Got to the airport and met up with my co-worker/life coach, LE, who gave me a birthday card (so sweet)! The flight was uneventful since I slept the whole way. Then we headed to the event venue to get shit done. Except there really wasn't anything to do. I've been here since Thursday and I feel like I haven't had a single real task to do. It's kind of nice. I mean, I was supposed to be supervising some bag stuffing but the production company seems to have that shit on lockdown.

LE had set up this amazing dinner for me and the production team and events staff at the resort hotel. It was amazing. I had a ton of wine and really nice filet of beef. Amazeballs. We're also staying at the W Scottsdale Hotel, which is apparently the mecca of all nightlife for Scottsdale, Arizona. They were having this huge NBA fundraiser party that night and our IT guy (dorky, married engineer) was dying to go, but wasn't staying in the hotel, so we promised to accompany him and get him tickets. On the ride to the hotel, he entertained us with his vast knowledge of pop music. You haven't lived until a grown-ass straight male engineer sings Ke$ha at the top of his lungs in your presence. When we got to the party, it was insane. Red carpet and velvet rope outside of the hotel. Then you enter and there were a million baby skanks everywhere. These girls looked about 13 years old and they had NO clothing on. I really, truly felt old. We didn't care, though, we just took our old selves up to the poolside party and drank a ton of alcohol. Long Islands, Jaeger shots, whiskey drinks, etc and all of it paid for by my fabulous team/company. I don't think I spent a single dollar that night. Also peep our caricature, which really doesn't look like any of us. Oh, well.

Drunk binge eating in my hotel room while rocking out to pop music with my coworkers was an awesome way to end the evening. Bedtime by 3:30am. All in all, a stellar birthday!

last day as a 25 year old!

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday! I don't know why I put an exclamation point on that because I'm really not excited about it. I feel like I've reverted to my old stance on birthdays, where I don't really want to do anything but drink alone and be ornery. I had my birthday party this past weekend and that was fun and low-key. Had a small birthday dinner last night, which was also fun and low-key. I guess the era of the big birthday celebration is over for me. It was a nice run - 2006-2010 - and I had some great memories, but it's time to move on, I suppose. I think I'm also in such a birthday funk because I'm going to be traveling to Arizona for my big event on my birthday and stuffing gift bags and badges for most of the day. On the bright side, I am going to eat a nice dinner and expense the hell out of that shit. Yay!

I've been looking back on the past year and everything has gone really, really well. I feel like I'm really starting to come into my own and this year was a huge period of personal growth for me. It was my first full year living in San Francisco and I've truly fallen in love with this place. This is 100% my home now. I mean, I will always be a sarcastic, snarky Long Island princess, but I love the Bay Area. This is it for me - it's beautiful, liberal, and I love the weather. Every night when I come home from work or nights out with my friends, I thank God that I've found the place I was meant to be and the people I want to spend my time with. I have amazing friends here and I couldn't be happier about my current location.

Dating has gotten so much better for me. I'm finally over dating assholes!!!! How did that happen? A year ago I was finally cutting ties with the one man that truly made me feel like absolute shit (TG) and in that time, I've dated two really fabulous guys. The Blexican was so not right for me, but he was a good person. He treated me kindly, took care of me, and loved me when I thought it was impossible to ever meet someone who would care about me in that way. My current boy, POP, may not be perfect, but I'm learning how to navigate a relationship with him and I'm also enjoying dating someone who challenges me in so many different ways. Not only that, I actually really like him. I don't think I've dated a man I've really liked since high school. This is totally new territory for me and I'm enjoying all of the emotions I'm having - the giddiness AND the crippling self-doubt and insecurity. It feels great to feel something for someone. It's rare for me.

I got a new job this year! And while I don't think it's the perfect place for me, it is a hell of a lot closer and I'm learning a lot. I feel really engaged with what I'm doing and it's so exciting getting to see some amazing events and know that my work is a part of making them happen.

As I turn 26, I know there are some things I want to work on. I definitely want to focus on my career and finding a job that makes my dreams come true, preferably in some segment of social media. I want to train to be a sex educator and really get involved in that world. I want to write up a storm - my memoirs (yes, I know I'm young, but damnit, I have a lot to say!), my novel, maybe even a screenplay. I want to find a stable, steady relationship with long-term potential. I want to get my money right (I'm almost there!) and my body tight (gotta love all my training sessions at the gym). There is so much to work on, but I'm so proud of the progress I've made. I am getting there, slowly but surely, and enjoying the hell out of the ride =)

holy shit - i'm a quarter century!

I still can't believe I'm 25. This was such an odd birthday - not in a bad way, but everything was just so different. It's scary because when I look in the mirror at myself, for the first time ever, I see a woman. I've always thought of myself as a girl or at least in some state of extended adolescence. I don't know why I've felt that way or what has changed because I'm still in the same situation - I've been paying my own bills, working a job, and taking care of myself since I graduated from college, but somehow this feels different. I think because I've finally started taking control of my life instead of just letting it happen to me.

Moving to CA has been huge for me. It's a move I orchestrated completely and totally independently of anyone. I didn't consult my friends or family - I just decided that it was what I wanted to do and I did it. Even when it didn't make sense to other people, it was something I knew I had to do for myself. I decided to live by myself because I thought it was time to have something that was 100% mine and I felt like I was hiding behind others. I don't know when I grew so scared of growing up. Back when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be 16 years old. I imagined I would have long hair, a wonderful boyfriend, and the perfect life. Well, 16 has come and gone and I still don't have any of those things, but I've also stopped hinging my happiness on them. I'm slowly but surely learning to judge my life on my own terms and not on other peoples. I have amazing friends, a great job, an amazing apartment, and a pretty solid sense of self.

25 has been a strange age for me to turn, mostly because I'm not just reflecting on this one year that has passed, but on a whole quarter century of my life. This year has definitely brought a lot of change in and of itself, but when I look back at the person I was and compare that to the person I've become, it's a dramatic difference. The little girl who wanted long, straight "good" hair is now content with a headful of unruly, kinky coiled-up curls. I've finally started to embrace my own beauty and the parts of myself that are gorgeous, even if they're not mainstream. My shyness has practically evaporated - I no longer fear new situations because I put myself in them on a regular basis. I've failed at so many things and so I no longer worry about what will happen if I'm not 100% perfect. I love the person I've become - complex, complicated, layered, but at heart amazingly fun-loving, always-laughing, and never dull.

Of course, there are always things I want to change - I wish I could have to heart to be more confrontational, instead of letting people take advantage of me. I wish I was a cuddlier, sweeter person - not as cold as I can sometimes appear. I wish I knew how to be in a relationship. But these are all things that I think I can fix. I mean, look at how far I've come in the past 25 years. I can only hope my path to self-actualization will get easier =)

i am 25, drunk, and confused.

Yeah, I'm shitfaced right now. There really isn't any other word for it. Two strong cocktails at dinner, followed by a million whiskey drinks with TG and his friends at the bar afterward. I dont' know what to say, but I just wanted to blog. I'm in bed alone on my birthday, which blows, but is probably better. I kind of know now that things with TG are over, which is good. Very good. It was nice to have him at my dinner and even nicer to hang out with him after, but I think we're both over it. I did want to sleep with him, but mostly because I wanted sex on my birthday - not for any real attachment issues. I did talk to a bunch of cool people tonight *without* him. I was proud of myself for meeting his friends and chatting with them while letting him do his own thing. I think it's helping me get over him and not want to cling to him as a social outlet.

I have a date on Sunday. I'm excited - he seems perfect for me. He loves Twilight Zone and dorky things and girls who chatter on and on and on and on. He thinks my smile is beautiful and he seems genuinely good. I hope I don't fuck this up. I'm always fucking things up - it's like my job. I hope he gets me because that's what I need right now - someone who will understand me and care for me and want to be with me. I think I deserve that. Yeah.

So the room is spinning, so I'll try and be more introspective tomorrow. Goodnight!

last day as a 24 year old!

I've been meaning to update for a while, but for the first time in a while I've been too busy living my life to blog about it =) Work has been very intense and I come home exhausted (maybe this is a sign of my advanced age... lol) and then the weekends have been full of plans and cleaning and prep. Normally, I'd do the whole 'reflection of the past 24 years of my life' post, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Birthday Weekend 2010 was frickin' awesome. Seriously - I couldn't have asked for a better time. Friday night, I did Easy A with the girls from the office. I really loved it - Emma Stone is cute and it really made me think about how even in 2010, women still get the short end of the stick when it comes to being open, sexual beings. Annoying. I got home late, so I decided to just spend the evening chugging half a bottle of wine and dancing around my living room. I promptly passed out around 11pm. Then it was time for Roomie to come! I love her. Seriously, in love. I love living alone, but I totally miss having her around to chat to, drink with, and kvetch about work with. Living in the FiDi with Boy Roomie and Girl Roomie was the best experience ever and I miss them. ANYWAY.

I had to run around party prepping, but then Roomie got there and we were hungry, so we went to brunch and were going to meet up with some of her college friends. Miscommunication ensued, so we were stuck at this little cute French bistro with nothing to do, waiting on her friends. Of course, that meant we had to drink to pass the time. So around noon, we got totally shitfaced on fancy champagne cocktails. I went for a Kir Royale - well, 4 Kir Royales - and Roomie had four of the house special drinks. By the time her friends got there, we were blitzed and snacking on French fries. Hilarious 4 hour lunch later, I set off in search of a camera and party alcohol. I was barely able to purchase the camera. I'm 100% sure the woman at Office Max knew I was not in my right mind, when I picked up a huge memory card reader instead of a simple memory card. After errands, I passed out while Roomie went drinking.

The party was awesome. I bought wayyyy too much liquor, but a lot of people showed up. All the ADP SF kids, which made me so happy, since you know I always think no one likes me. TG showed up super early - 20 min before the party was supposed to start. He was all sweaty and yuck from biking and I looked frickin hot. Slamming bright pink bandage dress with maximum cleavage, which I caught him looking at multiple times. Score! I didn't get too drunk, I was pretty good. Just having a good time with my guests. Tried turning on the music around 1am but then my stupid neighbor came over in her bathrobe to glare at me. Fail. Around 2, we called it a night and went to sleep.

It was awesome! Fun 25th birthday indeed.

I have a million more things I'd love to update on - the state of my love life, things with TG, work, etc, but this is already too long, so I'll save that for the post-birthday roundup.

Birthday Weekend 2010!

Yay! This is the kickoff to Birthday Weekend 2010, also known as CJ Turning 25! Eek! I'm nervous, scared, and excited about growing one year older. I'm SUPER excited that ROOMIE! is coming. Yes, her new nickname is ROOMIE! Haha - I cannot wait to see her and hang out and have her stay with me. It'll be nice not to be totally alone in the apartment anymore. =) I'm nervous about the party and wondering if people will show up and whether or not it will be fun, but I think it'll be a good time. I know that the people I love most will be there, as well as my amazing work colleagues, so it has to be fabulous!

I don't really have much to say today. Work is crazy since we just moved to new desk space, so we're all moving in and unpacking boxes and such. I texted The Russian - no response, so I'm assuming that's over. I haven't talked to TG, so we'll just see if he comes tomorrow. I'm basically over thinking about boys for a while. Instead I'm going to focus on my favorite topic - myself! - and get excited to hang out with roomie and friends.

Yay Birthday Weekend!

it's that time of year again!

Yes, birthday time. I'm inspired by Lorraine's birthday entry and I've been thinking about how I want to celebrate this year. September birthdays kind of suck. For one thing, it seems like everyone and their frickin' mother is born in September. I mean, yes, Virgos are awesome, but it makes it really hard to plan a party when everyone else is planning a party. I guess we're all New Year's babies or something and that's the reason for the boom? Secondly, September is always a time of change - starting school or starting college - so during those monumental changes it's really hard to have real friends. I remember my freshman year birthday - we'd been at school for like 2 weeks and I barely knew anyone. I think my RA brought me a card signed by my dormmates (most of whom were perfect strangers). I went out to dinner with my friend A, a high school friend who happened go to college with me. In other words, LAME.

I've had better birthdays on years when there was no change going on - my 21st birthday was the highlight of my adult life. Huge house party with 75 of my closest friends and sorority sisters. I got to flirt with my then-crush (The Banker), drink my face off, dance a lot, eat my favorite spicy chicken sandwich, and then spend most of the night vomiting. EPIC. My NYC birthdays were more of the same. But this year, I'm in another state of change. I literally just moved here and while, yes, I do have friends - I don't have a ton of friends, so I imagine my party is going to be pretty lame. Me and like 3 people - haha. So I'm debating if I want to just get people to meet at a bar or something and spend my night out. Or go dancing with a few folks. Then I'm thinking maybe I should just do nothing - keep it to a dinner on my actual birthday and then just do normal weekend shiz. ARG, it's annoying. Plus, the big thing I've failed to mention is I'm turning 25, so I feel like I need to do something real as I'll pretty soon be the cryptkeeper. Sigh.

TG told me he has a lot going on the night I'm planning on having my event, but that he'd "stop by at the end of the night, when you're really drunk. I can poke you on the couch." Good Lord. I don't even want to talk about that statement. I'm just putting it here for your entertainment. So yeahhhh, maybe I should just go out. Readers? Anyone? I like the idea of doing something at home because I can get wasted and not have to worry about getting home. Blarg. We'll see. I have to decide like *tomorrow* but I guess I'll figure it out.

It's nice to be worrying about trivial things.

i love/hate birthdays.

Birthdays are super-stressful for me - I'm always afraid that no one will come or that it'll suck. Not gonna lie, last night was kind of awkward at the start, but as it rolled on it got better and better. I stayed out until almost 4 am, which is huge for me. Normally, I'm a really big homebody, so it was nice to get out - get back to my former self.

Went out to dinner with Jamz and Slind - Italian food. Then we headed over to Forum to scope the place out. It has definitely changed since we went there in February. The place ended up getting ridiculously packed, but I had a fairly decent turnout of friends and it was nice to see people I hadn't seen in forever. After the crowd got unbearable, we peaced out and went to another bar to dance the night away. That place was much more our speed - lots of colored folks and great music. Met up with some more kids from college and had a really good time. Saw people I hadn't seen in years, which was amazing. I didn't get ridiculously drunk or inappropriate and a good time was had by all. Now that that source of stress is gone, I can focus on my job and the stress that will bring.

California in 5 days. Holy shit! So much to do before I fly out...

24 in 7.

I'm kind of an emotional wreck today. It's really annoying. I just keep thinking about how old we're getting. Trust me, I'm aware that I'm not "old" - I'm only 23. I still have plenty of time left, but that time is theoretical. Anything can happen to you in the blink of an eye. I, of all people, should know that, and yet when faced with the prospect of mortality I still break down every time. I like to think I'm really strong, but I'm so weak emotionally. I'm desperately trying not to lose my shit at work but I've cried a little bit today over things I'd rather not talk about.

Today I was thinking about Patrick Swayze's death and how much I loved him when I was a child. All the memories of watching movies with my parents came flooding back. Life was so simple, then. You had your family and some friends from school, but everything felt stable and secure. Nothing is really like that anymore. It's hard growing up. I'm going to be 24 years old in 7 days. I don't know if I'm ready.

I have been on this earth for 23 years.

I am twenty-three years old. Can you believe it? Twenty-three! That's like practically mid-twenties. I'm freaking out! I cannot believe how long I've been alive and how many things have happened to me in that time. From bastard child to golden child to painfully shy adolescent to bad girl to geek to theatre chick to sorostitute to party girl, I feel like I've been so many different things. I AM so many different things. I am constantly amazed at how much change and reinvention is possible in such a short span of time.

In the words of Talib Kweli, "life is a beautiful struggle." I've never really found another phrase that describes my time on earth thus far. It's been good and bad and all things in-between, but it was always beautiful.

This year was insane for me. This time last year, I was one-month into my life in California, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. My job was confusing, my life was confusing, I didn't know who my friends were or how I was going to live in this alien place. I started dating hardcore - going out every weekend with one, two, three guys. I'd never dated like that ever. I met a boy who, for better or for worse, changed me - challenged me, forced me to admit things to myself that I didn't want to admit. For once I was sleeping with someone that I actually cared about, allowing myself to get close to someone for the first time. It wasn't perfect and mistakes were made, but it was the closest thing to a real relationship that I'd ever had. Attention must be paid.

I carved a life for myself - a life of Tuesday night drinks with my friends, Thursday night movie nights, Fridays spent hanging in the Mission with one of my best friends, Saturdays eating biscuits with MB, keeping Sunday as my one day to myself. I explored San Francisco - found neighborhoods, restaurants, bookstores that I liked. I laughed, I cried, I swore up and down, I felt things. Amazing things. Things I'd never felt before.

I got sick. I almost died. I spent the end of my vacation in DC in a hospital gown, in extreme pain, as two of the best friends I've ever had tried to get me through it. I went home to my parents where I cried every night thinking of my mortality. I prayed to God, the universe, and anyone I could think of to keep me alive and whole. And that sparked something in me. A desire for happiness that I'd never really known. For most of my life, I'd just plodded through, but for the first time in my life I knew that I could die tomorrow and I did not want to die with the way things were.

I moved. It took a lot of work and a lot of convincing - assuring myself that I wasn't a failure, but that I was doing something for my happiness, something that would make my life better in the long run. I came home. I fought with my mother over apartments and life decisions and her role in my life. I thought I would never talk to her in the same way again, but I got over it. I moved on. I forgave. And here I am today, 23 years old, living in the best city - my favorite city - working in a good job, studying to take the test that will put me on the path to being what I've wanted to be for so long. I'm still growing, still learning, still changing, still discovering new facets of my personality.

You've come a long way, baby, but you've still got a ways to go. I'm looking forward to it =)

i owe you a birthday post.

Seriously. I do. But after a big Italian dinner and two pretty stiff drinks, I don't think I can give it to you tonight. Work was long today. Sure, I got up late, but I also stayed super late and did a fuck ton of work. Today was a royal nightmare. I need sleep like you wouldn't believe. Also pissed that my tivo didn't record Gossip Girl.

On the bright side, this was an awesome 23rd birthday. (Shit, I'm 23!) My co-workers got me cupcakes, sang me a song. My roommates and Jama took me out to dinner and my roomie bought me flowers. It was simply amazing. I got tons of calls and texts and facebook messages from friends and it made me feel loved. I've been feeling hopelessly alone for a little bit now. The lack of sex and lack of prospects has been killing me, so it was nice to know that at least I have friends. That's always a benefit. I wish I could just enjoy my life as is, but lately it's been getting to the point where I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. It's depressing. I'm depressing. Jesus. This is not the tone this entry is supposed to have.

ANYWAY. I'm going to go to sleep right now because that's what I need. Up early tomorrow!

so it's on.

My birthday is Monday the 22nd and I've decided that we need to have a party on Saturday the 20th to celebrate. I cannot wait. For a while I was lukewarm on it, but now that I know that my roomie is on-board I'm even more excited. It's going to be fucking amazing. Lots of booze, lots of friends, music, just a really good time. I have to start figuring out my invite list and getting shit ready. 

This will give me something to take my mind off things and give me a chance to party like I'm back at school. I better start getting ready now - it's going to be a shitshow.

In other news, Senior Year Roomie comes tomorrow and I'm excited! I haven't seen her in a while and it'll be fun to explore the city and go out and be with someone who knows me well. Yay! 

Okay, I need to get back to my schedule of watching too much TV and reading too many magazines.