crushed.

I've been feeling mildly sick over the past couple of days due to alcohol consumption combined with being a woman. It sucks! And yet, I find it hard to stop drinking. Oh, well... This was one of the most fun weekends in a long time. I've been doing so much traveling and event stuff that this was really the first time that I could be social.

Got up early on Saturday morning to see Fruitvale Station with College BFF. Basically, the movie DESTROYED me. I felt this mix of anger and sadness at how terrible it is to be a black man in America. I can't even talk about it because I'll just get even more mad. It makes it hard to look at white people after seeing a movie like that. I almost lost my shit at the end - I thought I was going to break down. I cried a lot, but there was a moment where I thought I was going to wail and sob and I had to channel my inner G and lock that shit up. Since I'm an idiot, I scheduled a fucking Brazilian wax after that. Because that's exactly what you want to do after having your heart ripped out - pour hot wax on your genitals. Poor timing, as per usual. Saturday night, Vest and I had a mini-date and went to Bingo together in the Sunset. We lost (sadface), but it was still fun to get wasted! We also discovered a new part of town - Forest Hill! I want to live in the little Pennsylvania Dutch-looking houses! Met up with JazzGirl for dinner and more alcohol. Then I made everyone get dessert at a nearby restaurant. I was thoroughly blitzed by the end and went home and passed the fuck out.

Sunday morning was brunch with Gremlin! Yay! I've missed her so. JazzGirl and I took her to Absinthe and had delicious brunch and cocktails, followed by shopping. We saw the smallest "bras" known to humanity. Seriously, it was like a small strip of fabric that would fit around my thigh. If you don't have any breasts, why the need for a bra? I do not get it. Meanwhile, my 36F chest can barely be contained. I love my boobs, but sometimes they can be a burden. Post-brunch, I went to JazzGirl's house, where she gave me a mani - I love her because she doesn't mock me for not knowing how to do girly things like makeup and nails and will help me with them. Yay! Friendship! Gossiped a bit and then I went home to get ready for my friend's fundraiser.

Fundraiser was amazing - so much fun! And the triumphant return of Secret Agent Man, who I've had this long simmering crush on for over a year. Honestly, I don't think he could've been more perfect. His chest looked so amazingly built and was rock hard (yeah, I touched it... but in a subtle way... I swear). He's so tall and I never noticed that his eyes were hazel. Jesus Lord, you guys. I can't handle it. I never crush on boys. EVER. I don't even know what to do with myself right now. I'm like, in it. I have to find a way to forget this kid because he is seriously distracting.

ANYWAY, I was nervous about the prospect of him being there and me being all awkward and shit. Of course, he's smooth as fuck, so he came over to me with his arms out and gave me a gigantic hug and told me that I looked nice (and that I always look nice... sigh). We chatted and caught up on each other's lives. He bought a house and he loves it. He asked me about my Euro trip and said it was really badass and cool that I was going alone. He warned me about Italian men and how they are going to aggressively try to grind on me in clubs. He asked me if I was going to move back to New York eventually and I was like "fuck no" and he gave me another hug. My friends ditched me while we were talking, so after a bit I went to go rejoin them. The rest of the night is a drunken hazy blur (three days of drinking will do that) - so I only remember bits and pieces. He's super touchy feely with me and kept chatting me up and putting his arm around me and touching my arm or hugging me. I normally hate human affection, but when a 6'2" bearded buff Italian man is the one doing it, I'm kinda like - wellllll, this isn't so bad. He commented that he needed to get me out to the Sunset and we have to do drinks sometime. At the end of the night, as I was going to call an Uber, he told me I should not do that and get a ride with him instead. I was so excited thinking FINALLY - ALONE TIME. But then, because God doesn't want me to be happy, his friend decided to stay at his house, so there were three of us in the car. FAIL.

I decided I had to do something - I can't let it be like 6 months until we see each other again, but I'm shy, so I just wanted to plant a small seed. I spent like an hour getting coached by Vest on what to say ("God, I don't know how men date girls - you're all idiots" was his response to my craziness). I decided to send a text (he asked for my number the first day we met like a year ago) and not sign it. I thanked him for the ride, made a quick reference to something we'd talked about, and then said we should do drinks sometime in the Sunset. Then I had a heart attack and ran away from my phone for an hour. When I had the courage to come back and look, he had texted back saying "Definitely! Anytime, Cleo. Have a good night." Test passed - he knows who I am and now he can be reminded that he has my digits. Everyone says I should ask him out, but I'm just too shy. I really just want to get drunk and do things to him that are illegal in several states. I mean, I would be throwing out all my tricks if I ever get him naked. Seriously. So yes, this is where I am. In crush mode. It sucks. Hopefully I'll forget him in a week. I don't like liking people. I prefer to have a thinly veiled layer of contempt for all the men I date. Le sigh.

we like to party!

However, we don't like to do anything the day after... Today was my usual hangover day. Worked from home, went to therapy, canceled my evening plans. This must be what getting old feels like. Last night, AP and I decided to go out to one of our new favorite bar/BBQ joints. Of course, it was closed. That's fine, though, cuz we moved the party to House of Prime Rib (so random, but so delicious). Absolutely amazing dinner, gigantic martinis, and big glasses of wine at the bar. Bliss. AP is much cooler than I am, so she convinced me that I should get a drink at this bar on Polk Street afterwards. Of course, that ended up being two drinks, and then she paid $10 and spun some wheel of death, which meant we "won" (in my mind, I think we lost) 4 shots of Fireball. Thankfully, the two bartenders took them with us, so I only had to suffer through one. Shots kill me. I just can't do them anymore.

In positive news, the sexiest, tallest drink of water started talking to me and honestly, I was just happy to have 15 minutes of conversation with a man who I have to look up to and who isn't build like an adolescent girl or somebody's mother. LOOK AT GOD! Of course, because this is my life, he is from Maine and was just doing a brief visit for a wedding. Still, I'm happy that a 6'4" hottie from up North felt like approaching me. Maybe I'm not a troll!

Jersey Boy started texting me last night. I was drunk, so of course that devolved into my being super fucking inappropriate. Well, maybe not super. I didn't send any pics or make any overt promises. I did talk about taking all my clothes off, though, and my tendency to sleep in nothing but lacy boy shorts. Ugh, hate alcohol. Then, in an amazing feat of awkwardness, because I sleep with my phone, I somehow pocket dialed him from my bed and left like a 1 min message, which was just the sound of me sleeping while I watched Nightmare Before Christmas. MORTIFICATION. #thisiswhyimsingle I didn't even know I had done that, until he texted me asking if I pocket dialed him. Iyanla, fix my life. I don't even have words. One day, when I'm old, I'm going to laugh at all of this. Just not today. =P

so damn tired.

I'm basically only blogging because I said I would. I am in that post-event phase where I'm just really exhausted and can barely stay awake. My body is tired, my mind is tired, and the thing is - I am working on three events. This work is killing me right now.

In boy news, I think things with Jersey Boy are over. He's been kind of wishy-washy and flaky on text and I'm too tired to really care anymore. I'm also too tired to respond to boys on OKCupid. My job makes me not want to date. I need an injection of energy or something to get me going. On that note, though - I'd be fine if Jersey Boy just wanted to have sex. I am confused, though, by some of the things he said to me while we were in bed before. He thanked me for trusting him and being open. Yet, now he's shutting down. Oh well, ain't nobody got time for that!

My parents are on Instagram and it's bugging me out. They also don't know how it works and are posting random ass comments on my photos from 6 months ago. And by they, I mean my mother. Because my father still has a modicum of sense. Seriously, though, my heart leapt in my throat when I saw they were both following me. My brother needs to stop telling them about modern things.

I still have to blog about MB's wedding. The post is in draft mode. I just need energy to finish it.

That's all for now, folks! Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more up to chatting.

dating updates.

The rest of my team has gone shopping while I work on some things, so I'm going to take a little break and update on the state of my dating life. I went on Date 2 with Jersey Boy (new nickname alert!). It was fun - we had dinner in the Inner Richmond, then went back to his place so I could nap and sleep. I truly do love the fact that I nap on dates fairly frequently. I wonder what men who date me think. He was pretty sweet about me needing a 20 min catnap before I could do anything remotely strenuous.

Of course, we had sex because I mean, it wasn't like there was any way that wasn't going to happen. It was good. Better than the first time. He does all the things I like and does them well. I think I may be too much for him sexually - haha. I think he thinks I'm sex crazed because I basically want to go all the time. He also told me I was a lot stronger than I look and that I'm an "Amazon" - lol. I was embarrassed, but it's nothing I haven't heard before and I don't think he thinks it's a bad thing. I'm definitely not some dainty flower. Some of the men I've dated must've had really dull girlfriends, because I get a lot of comments like that.

One thing that did give me pause was that he asked if I was still active on OKCupid and how many guys I was dating. I gave a very vague answer on the first question and I told him "15" and laughed for the second one. I wonder if that put him off. He was still really affectionate towards me - kissing my forehead, cuddling, massaging my shoulders. It was really nice. He's been less chatty with me over text, so I don't know if he's busy or if I shouldn't have been an asshole about the "how many people are you dating" questions. I don't know. We'll see.

I'm still on the fence about if I like him or not. I thought second date was really good and we still get along. I just never know what I want and I second guess everything. Maybe that means it's not meant to be, but I also know that I always make poor initial decisions. I love to just judge people right off the bat and not give them chances. Let's just say - I wouldn't be friends with like 50% of the people I know now because I formed some mistaken opinion of them from Day 1. Life Coach says I have time and I don't have to rush it, so I'm going to listen to her. I still want to go out with him and kind of take it day by day. That's the plan!

montana-bound.

I have an 8am flight tomorrow. It is 1am and I am nowhere near where I should be. I came home early and napped and fucked around my apartment, which was dumb. I went on date #2 with unnamed boy and had to pry myself out of his bed at 11:15pm. I am a colossal idiot. I also have a shit-ton of work to do. What the fuck is my life right now?! I don't even know. This is only going to wreck my sleep schedule even more. I am officially a hot mess.

Going to try again tomorrow for normalcy!

crazy busy, as per usual.

Heading into another couple weeks of craziness. I often can't believe I've been in this job for only two and a half years - it feels like forever! I'm trying to remember the old lifestyle I had, where I never traveled and work was only crazy busy in April and October. I am definitely not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

This weekend I have the wedding of one of my best friends and I feel woefully unprepared. I'm still not 100% nailed down on my speech and I'm so nervous about talking in front of all of those people. I haven't made plans on what to do with my hair (although, at this stage, it's looking more and more like a wig), and I need a mani/pedi, and to get my brows threaded. I'm really excited about the big day, but I have to make it there!

In addition to that, I have a major event next week in Montana, so I have to do all my pre-travel prep work - laundry, cleaning, packing, etc. I totally forgot that my mother's birthday is tomorrow. Luckily, she is in Mexico with no phone service, so I have time to get something together. I haven't seen any of my friends in forever, so I need to carve out time for that, AND figure out if I want to try and see this boy again before I leave for Montana. Also, I need to nickname him... So much to do.

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and a little exhausted, but I'm hoping I can spend Sunday recuperating. Just keep swimming...

i swear i don't usually do this...

I had a date last night and I'm still trying to work out how I feel about it. We've been talking for almost a month, which is rare for me. I usually like to meet up with guys from OKCupid pretty quickly, but my schedule has been nuts lately with vacation and travel. We did the whole GChat/email back and forth thing and I really liked him. I was just unsure about how attractive I found him. I'm not shallow, but I mean, you want to feel some kind of way about the guy you're dating and I wasn't sure I would get there. Even though, I didn't think TG was attractive at all, and he is one of the men I've dated that I was most sexually attracted to, so you never know!

We met at a little dive bar near his apartment in the Inner Richmond - it was a cute spot. I like him a lot - he's from Jersey and sarcastic like me. He teases me in the way I like to be teased and kind of calls me on my bullshit. He asked me a LOT of questions, which I can't tell if it's a good or bad thing. I liked that he was interested in me, but I felt like I talked 2x more than he did. I think he appreciated my candor and the fact that I'm just me! We talked about exes, my random obsession with sex and sex ed, our families, work, Marie Antoinette, Game of Thrones, life in NYC - a wide variety of topics. I know I talk too much, but he was good at keeping up.

They started playing loud music in the bar and I was done drinking, so he asked if I wanted to leave. He offered to get me food (I declined because I'm starving myself for MB's wedding), so he asked if I wanted to go to this place around the corner. I said yes and he teased me about being easygoing. We got to his house and talked for a while. He has a nice apartment - 2BR, 2 bathroom, big living room, kitchen. I approved. It was not insanely messy, but also not OCD serial killer neat, so I enjoyed that. We sat on the couch talking for a bit and then after about 30 min, he got up and sat down closer to me and pulled my leg across his lap. When I finally stopped talking (I literally said "I have no more words and don't know what to say"), he kissed me. He's a good kisser, so that's a plus. I started straddling him on the couch when *poof* in come his roommate, who was supposed to be on a business trip. It was definitely a little awkward. Roommate introduced himself and was then like ".... yeahh... I have to be up early so I'm going to go turn in now." I was like OMG thank goodness I have clothes on. So we laughed about it a little bit and then started making out again. Then he wanted to move into his room and I agreed.

More making out, more clothing removal and he asks me what my policy is on sex on the first date. I tell him I usually don't like to do it unless I want nothing more to do with the guy and I don't like him seriously. He laughs and tells me it should be the opposite way. Before I know it, I have absolutely no clothes on while he's fully dressed, and I'm basically like... well, I really do want this, so why the hell not? So yeah, first date sex (not to be confused with FDA - first date anal - which DID NOT happen. Although I love that Vest asked me if it had).

I'm not regretting it at all - it was fun and what I wanted at the time, but I'm still not sure what I make of him. I don't know if I'm attracted to him - I don't find him to be cute or anything, but physically I enjoyed pretty much everything he was doing. I like his sense of humor, the fact that he's east coast, and that he likes my blerdiness. I like his witty banter and his attraction to me. He made me feel beautiful and desirable, which is something I struggle with. I've decided to just let it progress naturally. I'm not going to freak out and over-analyze. I'll just go with what feels good until it doesn't feel good anymore. He texted me this morning, so I'm glad I'm not just a one night stand. He could prove to be a good booty call situation. We shall see.

LAS.

There is nothing like watching a crash landing while you are on a plane. It is truly terrifying and has given me a new neurosis. I've never really been afraid to fly, but something about watching that flight crash land in SFO while we were landing in Vegas was kind of freaky. My heart goes out to all of the folks on that plane - cannot even begin to imagine what they went through...

I'm currently sitting in McCarran airport in Vegas, waiting for a flight out to SFO. It's been quite the travel day, that's for sure! I know a bunch of people traveling in to San Francisco today, and so far most are present and accounted for. I'm just so freaking tired. This is when teleportation would really come in handy! I'm hoping someone is working on that - Elon Musk, maybe?

I am basically just rambling because Vest said I should update and I really don't have much to say. Home was home. It's always a weird combo of nostalgia, bittersweetness, annoyance, fun, and overheating when I go back to Long Island in the summer. I'll have more to say later, but the basics - I hung out with a lot of friends, did some cool Long Island shit, and tried not to let my extreme illness get in the way. I mostly succeeded. I'm really happy that I'm going to make it back to SF tonight because that means I get to curl up in my own bed and watch DVR. I also get to have my day of pampering tomorrow, along with getting my ass back in the gym. MB's wedding is NEXT SUNDAY! I have to look pretty in a dress and I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with my hair! Oh, and write a toast for one of my best friends. How does one even begin? This is going to be quite the week.

Anyway, I'm going to just sit against this wall and let my eyes roll back into my head before I go and get a Texas sized margarita to knock me out for the plane ride.

Hope you all are well! =)

working girl.

Change is coming. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I certainly am not afraid of change - in fact, I frequently seek it out - but change at work can be nebulous and a little scary. I probably shouldn't even blog this since it's not final and some of it is confidential, but I don't have the mental capacity to blog about the things that are truly taking up space in my mind (my hair, my relationship with my mother, my relationship with my friends, being at home on the island), so work it is!

My relationship with my job is always evolving. I'm currently feeling a little lazy and burnt out from the ridiculousness that was this year. When I think of all this shit I've done (especially all the shit I did that was highly visible), I get really happy! It was a good year. Two high-profile hackathons, working registration/travel/comms on the biggest event our team has ever done, another successful developer conference - it's all good. However, I'm always like WHAT'S NEXT? I just can't relax - it's really hard for me (I work on it a LOT in therapy). It looks like what's next for me is (a) a new manager and (b) a new core role. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Regarding the manager, I think it'll be good for me. I like her (especially because she drunkenly tried to poach me at our offsite) and she's a good leader and I think she'll grow me and give me the opportunity to learn more and become a better event manager. She's already got me working on a project with her and I'm excited about it. It's more of an internal event and she's going to bring me into her big meetings with our VP and I'll actually get to contribute. I think that will be great for me. Right now, I have two dream jobs. The first one is producing the Oscars (long shot) and the second one is being the Chief of Staff to some ridiculously high-powered person (more feasible). Working with the execs at my company will give me better exposure to do something like that.

As far as my core role goes, I'm confused as always. I love my consumer events, and I love my internal events. I hope I'm not forced to choose one or the other. I also hope that I don't get shunted into doing B2B events because that's not what I want at all. It remains to be seen what will happen, but I love my developer clients. They are amazing and I don't want to give them up, even though I also love doing the internal conferences. I know there's nothing I can do now but wait, but sometimes that's the hardest part. I really have no patience.