reflections.

I am fiercely determined to complete all 100 tasks on my incredibly long Sunday list. My life has been kind of topsy-turvy lately. Work has been stressful (understatement of the year) and my room looks like a hovel. So does our kitchen. I need to rectify that today, as well as finally do all of my fucking laundry. I don't think I have a clean winter outfit, so unless I want to traipse around Manhattan in shorts and a tank, I better get my ass to the laundry room.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking and researching this weekend, which is nice. Sometimes I hate doing and would rather spend time inside my own mind. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of person I want to become and what matters the most to me. I feel like I'm always chasing the idea of happiness, but haven't put as much thought as I should into what that means. So I just end up blindly throwing myself into situations that I think will yield the desired outcome, and then get upset when that doesn't happen.

Too often, I find myself living for other people. I have a lot of really close relationships and sometimes I take the actions of others too seriously, even if they don't involve me. I need to start focusing on my own actions and let other people live their own lives. I also need to stop caring what people think about the things I do. There are times when I want to share things about myself with the world, but I stop short because I'm afraid of how one or two people will take those revelations. At the end of the day, you can only be who you are. I think by being more open about who I am and the things that matter to me, I will attract more positivity into my life and that will bring me happiness. I just need a plan of action and attack, which I've slowly been forming this weekend.

This is one of my favorite times of year - the end of December, a time for reflection on the past and planning for the future. A time for change.

oh the weather outside is frightful.

Days like today I think I must be cracked to have moved to New York. It is fucking freezing and snow is on the horizon for tomorrow. I hate snow and winter in general. I'm probably living in the wrong place.

I've been incredibly restless lately, thinking about job stuff and law school and dating and the end of the year. My mind is just such a swirl of thoughts. I also need to stop taking everything so personally. I analyze everything and get embarrassed so easily and then I can't focus. It's not cute or healthy and I'm going to drive myself to have an ulcer if I keep it up.

I guess the snow is positive - I can spend time working on law school apps, finally doing my laundry (you should see some of the outfits I've been wearing), cleaning my room and apartment, and enjoying some holiday cocktails. Strategizing. I've been too tired to really do anything productive and work has been taking up a lot of my spare time, so having the break will be nice. I also have done no Christmas shopping, which basically means I'm f-u-c-k-e-d.

Is it January yet?

drinking problems can be useful.

Wow, I think I'm really frustrated with certain aspects of my life right now. I didn't even really realize it until last night. I had a fabulous time at the Black Employees bowling night - everyone was really great and it was nice to meet lots of new people and make new connections. I'm not nearly as active in black groups as I should be, but I think that's going to change starting now. I drank a decent amount and then I went home. Once I got home, though, I just started unloading all my work problems on my roommate (a typical occurrence in our home, on both ends).

I just feel so undervalued and I don't know what to do about it. I'm stressed out as fuck all the time, dreaming about work and getting poor performance reviews (which has never happened to me, so I don't know why I'm dreaming about it). I think I'm starting to lose my focus and motivation because it seems like no matter what I do - good job or no - nothing ever comes of it. So why am I killing myself over this? It's just frustrating. God help me. Last night, all of my feelings just came tumbling out and listening to myself complain I just felt so unhappy. Which sucks, because I'm so used to everything else stressing me out. Normally it's men, or my friends, or the city I'm living in. All of those things are going pretty smoothly now, so of course work issues have to rear their ugly head.

It sucks to be unhappy during a recession. What do you do?

overload.

I'm trying really hard to keep up my work/life balance, because it sucks. Which basically means I'm working myself half to death and still trying my darnedest to go out and be social. I guess I should be working on my work/life/sleep balance.

I currently have plans for Wed, Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I don't know if I like all of this social butterfly-ness. Maybe I'll punk out on some of those things and stay home watching Criminal Minds. I love how the loser in me is constantly warring with the party girl. I wonder what will win out eventually. Tonight it's bowling with the black group at work. I haven't really done anything with them, so it's really important that I go. I definitely need to get more involved with that group. Maybe I can make some more work friends and have a good time. Plus, it's open bar so you know I'm there. Thursday is Planned Parenthood stuff - stoked for that and it's super important for me to keep up my commitments with them. Friday night - Harlem party! Trying to convince Jamz to go with me, but I think I've decided I'm going to go regardless of whether he does or not. I need to get out. Saturday is the Banker's party. Remember him? Haven't seen him in forever. I like going to parties hosted by finance guys because the booze is always better. Haha. So yes, trying to con Tall into going with me if he hasn't left for vacation yet. So we shall see.

On top of that, I got an e-mail from a guy online that I actually think looks pretty interesting. He's cute, super muscular and scruffy. Yum. So I'm going to write back and try and be that witty, charming, flirtatious girl I used to be. Wish me luck!

paranoia, paranoia, everybody's comin' to get me...

I spent the whole entire morning freaking out that I was going to be fired because my boss put this meeting on my calendar with no explanation. Of course, I'm not going to be fired, I'm just going to help out a swamped colleague. I honestly had my stomach in knots, complete full-scale freak-out. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me?! Maybe it's a guilty conscience - I'm always afraid that all the bad things I do are going to catch up with me one of these days. Not that I do anything "bad" at work, but I just worry that my unhappiness is out there for all to see.

I am an idiot. FAIL.

love random comments.

This morning when I walked into work, one of the female security guards flagged me over. She asked me if I was in love. She says I been looking really good lately and my walk and my clothes all suggest that I'm head over heels. I laughed out loud. Completely off base, as I have absolutely 0 men in my life now. It was still nice to feel that at least on the outside, you're looking like everything is peaches and cream.

I am pretty happy right now, though, all things considered. I did something wild last night and I doubt anything will come of it, but it was a little baby step toward the road of happiness. I'll talk more about it if it does turn into something, but I'm trying not to blow things out of proportion. That and every time I talk about anything positive in my life, it immediately blows up in my face, haha. I still haven't started work on the whole dating profile thing. I think it's mostly the fact that I don't want to take any new pictures. I mean, I love my new short hair, but whenever I go home, I'm always scrubbing out in pajamas looking like something the cat dragged in. I did get an awesome shot of me at the holiday party, but I don't have a frickin' scanner. Grr. Why can't I just meet someone organically? Honestly. I just want a man to fall into my lap. I've lost my desire to hunt for one. I'm more than willing to put in the effort to flirt and court a guy and get all dressed up and seduce him, but I hate searching for one. No one has interested me in a while and I haven't had a chance to put my mad seduction skillz to use.

Anyhow, I should be working right now, so let me get on that.

moving on, slowly but surely.

I'm having a pretty decent weekend. Stayed later than normal at work on Friday, and then went home and chilled out with my roommate. Spent the night chatting about our work woes, relationship issues, and all of that. It's nice to have a sounding board sometimes and it makes the apartment feel so nice and homey. We put up Christmas lights! I have absolutely no idea what to get the roomies for Christmas, though. J should be easy, as she is a girl and it's never that difficult for me to find gifts for female friends. No clue what to get S, though. Maybe I'll shoot his girlfriend an e-mail for some ideas.

Saturday, I went shopping with Slind and the law school ladies. Love them. I didn't actually buy anything, but had a fun time meandering around the city, browsing the shops. Then we went to The Smith for drinks and dinner. Got very tipsy over a nice, expensive meal. Drinks there were amazing - I should go back for the bar alone. I really like getting out during the day and hanging out with friends. I'm starting to feel more settled in NYC, like I have more social options. It's the perfect level of interaction. I'm still lacking that permanence that I crave so much, but I think that will come with age and once I realize exactly what it is that I want to be doing with myself.

I'll be working on the old resume today and job planning and career growth, on top of selling myself on dating websites =) I should also probably take a look at law school applications and my whole social networking lifestyle. Trying for a complete overhaul of me in 2010. Version 2.0, perhaps?

walking on thin ice.

Ugh, my sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'm really super-sensitive to that because it's usually one of the first signs that I'm going to spiral into some sort of depression. I slept for 14 hours last night - passing out at 6:30pm. Maybe I was just tired, but maybe I'm still feeling shitty with TG drama and the overall annoyingness of my job. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, though. I get a chance to rest and relax. I don't have any stressful plans, just Christmas shopping with my friends and chilling out.

My moods are so volatile - sometimes it's hard for me to get a handle on them. I'm normally incredibly good at outwardly controlling my emotions, but sometimes I wonder if it's at the expense of my internal sanity. I need to stop viewing negative feelings as weaknesses and learn to embrace them and work through them without falling to pieces. Certain things just seem to trigger my emotions and I need to be careful when I'm dealing with those stressors.

This weekend, I'm going to clean my apartment, start doing some exercising again, and work on my online dating profile. I want to have all of my ducks in a row come January.

holiday party magic.

The holiday party last night was spectacular! The venue was amazing (Museum of Natural History) and I had a really fun time with my friends. A vast improvement over last year's party because (a) I actually have work friends now, (b) it was easy to get to the liquor, and (c) the dance floor was huge! I really had a great time and it's made me realize how much I love the people I work with. They're amazing and cool and fun and I couldn't ask for better co-workers.

Of course, I woke up this morning with a raging stomachache that made me want to kill myself and I was feeling shitty for reasons I won't get into here. It's the same person/stuff that always makes me mad. I'm just like a broken record.

After last night, I really am feeling rededicated to making myself happy. I'm struggling at work right now - mostly because I feel unmotivated in my job, unappreciated by my team, and I've been here far too long without a promotion. I thought I had another opportunity, but that closed up, and now I need to focus on what to do. I'm not used to disliking my job. This is new for me. Even when California sucked, I loved going to work every day and always looked forward to it. Now, I dread it every morning and pray for the weekend. It's hard to hate something you do every day for 10 hours a day (and sometimes 16 hours a day).

My loneliness is starting to return. It's different now, though. It's not friendship loneliness. I actually feel really well-supported by my friends! I have the work girlies, my fabulous roommates, the MCMers, and now I'm starting to do more work for Planned Parenthood and that gives me a sense of purpose. I am, however, starting to get the boyfriend itch. I just wonder if I have it in me to give dating my all. I remember how dedicated I was in SF and I guess that paid off (although sometimes I wish TG and I had never met because he stresses me out like whoa). Maybe I need to start that up again - aggressively online dating and putting myself out there. It's frustrating for sure, but when you connect with someone, that's always a good feeling. I also like to think that I've learned from the mistakes of the past and that I can date smarter this time. I don't want to do this and have the same issues I did previously. Improvement is imperative.

holidays - stressful fun!

As much as I love the holiday season, it's been incredibly stressful. I haven't bought any gifts, even though I think I pretty much know what I'm getting everyone in my family (well, except for my oldest brother). I also need to stop eating. Seriously. I've baked cookies for the past two nights and eaten about a million of them. I can't tell if I'm gaining weight or just getting soft, but I'm not pleased with my body right now. One part of me wants to be like - oh, well, it's the holidays! Eat, drink, and be merry! Then the other part of me doesn't want to be 800 pounds come New Years. Especially considering all the cute holiday dresses I want to get into. Yesterday I went shopping for dresses at my favorite store. I couldn't get one of them to zip up and I nearly had a fucking heart attack right there in the dressing room. Luckily, I realized I had a size too small, but still. That was a wake-up call. Woman, get thee to a gym! So, yeah, that needs to happen.

Holiday party is tomorrow. I love my potential dresses (c'mon, this is me - you know I have about 9 options) and I'm going with my favorite boy (Jamz) so it's going to be a good time. Plus all the roomies will be there and the cubemates. It will be infinitely better than last year's. I can't wait to be completely shit-faced. God, I love working at a tech company. It's totally okay to make a fool out of yourself at the company get-togethers. =) Maybe I'll even meet a cute engineer to make me forget about the one I keep thinking about. That would be nice.