i have a new blog! please read it!

Yay! Resurrection. You can find me here: http://thickthighs-nofelonies.blogspot.com/

interim blogging.

In the interim... you can find me at http://justgrowupalready.tumblr.com

FYI.

this is the last time...

I am back! Well, I've been back for the past two weeks or so and I've been putting off writing this for a number of reasons. I'm kind of lazy right now - call it the post-vacation doldrums. It's hard to re-enter your real life after taking a voluntary, breathtaking leave of absence from it. Nothing feels the same and yet everything is. It's bizarre. While away, I made the decision to shutter this corner of the internet, where I've written in brutally honest detail for the past 6 years. This blog is SO important to me and always will be - I wrote about my insecurities, my highs, my lows. There were the stories about men and my limited successes and staggeringly large number of failures in the romantic arena. This place is like home to me, but it's time to move it along.

Working where I work and doing what I do, I sometimes felt it was silly to have this kind of stuff up here. I mean, I'm not nearly important enough that I think anyone gives two shits who is in my bed or any of that, but you never know. Mostly, I think I fear meeting someone and having them find out that I spent a ridiculous amount of time detailing in the minutiae of our relationship (and all my relationships) with the great beyond. I already hurt someone like that once and while I have no feelings left for him and no regrets about blogging about him, I've grown a bit since then and I don't know if that's how I want to conduct myself as I look for a life partner.

I'm growing up - I'm changing, I'm refining, I'm redesigning. I'm becoming Cleo 3.0. I tend to view my life in tech terms - there is everything before high school graduation (Beta), there are the Brown years (1.0), and then there's post-Brown (2.0). Now -- I don't know what happens next, but I'm trying to figure it out. The trip was interesting because I didn't think it was important while it was happening. I mean, yes - I loved being abroad and doing what I wanted to do and dealing with loneliness, even embracing loneliness, but I never thought I was having any kind of epiphany or revelation about life. Since I've been back, little nagging things have gotten to me. Do I like my job? I mean, I love events. I know that, but am I where I should be? What is it that moves and drives me? I'm trying to be smarter in my friendships - more giving and more focused on quality and not quantity. I'm trying to grow up and live a more adult existence.

I'm also fascinated with the idea of the Saturn Return, which I'm fast approaching. Per Wikipedia,

In astrology, especially horoscopic astrology the Saturn return is an astrological transit when a transiting Saturn planet returns to the same point in the sky that it occupied at the moment of a person's birth (natal chart).

Saturn Return is an alleged phenomenon which is described as influencing a person's life development at 27 to 29 or 30-year intervals. It is believed by astrologers that, as Saturn "returns" to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. With the first Saturn return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. 

I feel like it really is time for me to woman up. To step out of childhood and enter adulthood, whatever that means. I'm still deciding what that means for me, but I enjoy asking the question. This space has been life-changing for me, and to anyone who reads this - I just want to thank you for giving me an audience, for commenting and taking the time to read about my life. This blog has brought me more joy than I would have ever thought. It became a truly important part of my life at a time when I was lonely, confused, and needed an outlet. I will probably set up shop somewhere else - in a different format, but I don't know what that looks like yet. I'll be sure to update when I do. I'll retain the pillowtalkisextra@gmail.com address, if you want to be in touch. Still debating how to handle Twitter, but those of you who I follow, I'll add you on my private account if and when I delete the @pillowtkisextra handle.

I'm going to miss this space, but it's time to move on. Thanks again for reading!

Love always,
Cleo

euro trip 2013!

Holy Lord! Today is it! I leave on a plane in about 7 hours to head to Edinburgh. It has been a *rough* couple of days getting ready for this trip, but I'm starting to get more and more excited. Although, I have been reading up on travel theft and now I'm terrified someone's going to fleece me for all I'm worth. I'm still processing what I want this trip to be about - I'm not 100% sure what I hope to gain from it, but I want it to be meaningful. I've also decided to blog about all of this in a completely separate domain, a less anonymous one where I can post photos and such. I thought about posting the link here, but I'd like to keep the two places separate. If you're interested in the link, please email me - pillowtalkisextra@gmail.com or tweet me (@pillowtkisextra) and I'll shoot you the link. Until then, this blog will be pretty quiet until October 31st --- well, unless I do something so scandalous that it can only be posted here =)

See you soon!

i kind of haz a sad.

Leaving my office today was kind of sad. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone, especially Life Coach, who will no longer be on my team when I return. I just feel like I'm going into the great unknown without any resources. I have this ridiculous fear of being alone, but I'm also introverted, so my thoughts are running wild. On one hand, being alone with my own thoughts without a single friendly face in a strange place for 30 days seems crazy. On the other hand, I'll get to do whatever I want and I won't have to worry about social norms. That sounds AMAZING!

I love change, but I fear it. I also fear missing out on life. While I'm off exploring the world, my friends and family will continue living their lives. Some things will change and some things will stay the same, but I won't be a part of any of it and that's sad. I like to be a part of most things. I know this time is going to fly and I know it'll be valuable to my growth as a human being, but I'm just so nervous. I'm scared of a variety of things. There's the whole "solo female traveler" thing. There's the fear of being lonely. I fear feeling like a n00b while I'm in a place I'm not familiar with. I like to challenge myself, though, and this is a great way to do it. I know I'll be okay, because I'm always okay, but I may cry a little bit before I leave. I'm just a big baby like that.

i am NOT ready.

I am really not ready to go on this trip - not mentally, emotionally, physically, or logistically. HELP ME, GOD. I mean, I'm definitely ready to stop working and not to be consumed by the minutiae of events. I'm ready to stop staring at a computer screen day in and day out. I'm ready to be alone with my thoughts and interface with who I am when I'm away from what I do. And yet, I'm a little terrified. 30 days alone with myself in foreign lands. That sounds scary. I also haven't packed or stopped my mail or gotten an international phone. I am legit behind at life. It's a little bit crazy.

Hopefully, my four days in New York will help me prepare. I'll have responsible adults around me (yay parents!) to help me think of things that the stupid part of me won't think of. That will be good. I have more on this blog and my new travel blog and my new philosophy on blogging to come, but now is not the time. Expect more updates as the days progress.

LOVE.
CJ.

party recap!

I love house parties. Seriously, there is nothing better. Invite a bunch of people over, get shitfaced in the safety of your own home, and then pass the fuck out in bed when it's done. Little effort, lots of reward. I threw my annual birthday party this past Saturday and it was amazing. I looked cute, I had all my favorite drinks, and I was shockingly more well-prepared than normal. College BFF made the most amazing jello shots ever (whiskey sour and white Russian!) and I found the cutest red solo cup shot glasses!

Anyway, announced party time was 8pm which I thought everyone knows means you come at 9pm earliest (unless you're MB or one of my old roommates or College BFF, who are welcome to come early). I guess not everyone got that memo because Life Coach's BF and SAM showed up first at 8:20pm. Haha, of course I had to get shitfaced to be socially normal. Several jello shots, two Fireball shots, and a bunch of whiskey-lemonades later, I was hammered. I get boy tunnel vision when I'm drunk, so my memory of the night it kind of fuzzy since I just talked to one person. I do remember dancing with Vest and having fun listening to music. I remember my neighbor coming down and making me close my kitchen door. I remember the boys throwing cookies everywhere and being truly frattastic, but beyond that it's a fucking blur.

The party ended when I was basically like I GIVE UP ON LIFE and laid down in my bed while people were still there. Haha - so classy. I don't remember anyone leaving. I just remember Vest volunteering to get me pizza (LOVE VEST!) and he came back with it and left the box in my bed. I think I ate a few nibbles of the pizza, then promptly turned to the left and puked in my trash can and then passed out. When I woke up in the morning, my face was in a pizza box and all my vomit was contained within my trash can. Like a fucking boss!

I love that no matter how old I get, I'm still really fucking immature. Let's hope 28 is the year I stop vomiting from alcohol consumption.

Love everything!

it's my mothereffin' birthday!

Just wanted to say that. I'm too tired to blog properly, but I'll give you a little preview. I spent all day today hating my body and alcohol's effect on it. I literally have never been this hungover in my life. I think if I had a shotgun, I would've used it to end the hell that was today. On the bright side, I had a lot of fun last night, so that was a plus. I also executed the best vomit move in history. So proud of myself. More on that tomorrow =)

last day being 27!

Tomorrow is my birthday! Eek! Another year older. I don't really think I fear aging as much as some people my age do. I'm like - whatever, it's a number! I'm still immature as fuck, black don't crack, and I have a baby face, so no big deal! Anyway, it's been a good birthday weekend so far. Saw the Oddball Comedy Festival with JazzGirl last night - SO good. The comedians were awesome! I was a little sad that the Chappelle set was so short, but I had a good time and everyone was funny and the seats were amazing, so yay!

Tonight is my birthday party. I'm definitely nervous. Worlds colliding and all. And SAM being there. God I hope I look hot and am not a mess. I have my period, though, so I highly doubt that anything fun will happen, knowing my luck. Let's just hope that I look sexy, drink enough alcohol to be witty and charming and not enough to be sick, and that everyone is enraptured by my personality haha.

Anyway, time to nap (party prep has taken everything out of me). Will fill in with details mañana!

last trip to arizona!

Eek! This is my last Paradise Valley event. It's kind of bittersweet - I'm happy to move on and do bigger and better things, BUT it's also my last event with Life Coach and it's one of my faves. I have to say that it feels like the end of an era on my team. I love how close I've gotten to so many of the girls and this will be our last big event together. To celebrate, LC and I are taking a long lunch when we arrive tomorrow and then getting mani/pedis on Saturday. Yay! Friendship!

This is also my last work event for the rest of the year! Cannot believe it. I leave on September 30th for Scotland and I couldn't be more excited. A month off of work. I've decided to completely leave my computer and work phone here in the States so I'm not even tempted to look at anything. I want a complete release from my life. Then, when I come back in November, I'll get to start my new role as pretty much the only person on the Internal Events team. I think it's going to be great! I'm going to have more responsibility and more power. I am really looking forward to being involved and I think I'll be good at it. Cannot wait!

Okay, back to work and then some packing and cleaning!