pretty good for under 3 hours of sleep.

I'm actually surprisingly productive and awake considering my bout of extreme insomnia last night. Of course, my body woke me up at 7 am even though I went to bed around 4:45 am. I managed to stay in bed for another 45 minutes, but without sleeping. I feel a little better this morning. We're signing our lease at 12:30 pm so that's moving along and I'm starting to plan out the things I need to do to move out of and be settled with the old apartment shit and getting excited about planning for the new apartment. The thing with TG is bothering me less after a major dish session with Jama and College BFF. I guess I just hate seeing him with someone else, especially someone else I don't think is all that attractive. Which is shallow and catty, I know. But, let's be real. We're all fairly shallow and catty; I'm just not sugarcoating it for anyone. Granted, they may not be together, so I should reserve all judgment until I know, but I just have this feeling. So we'll see how often I talk to him based on these recent developments.

I was thinking today of something my mother said to me the other day. I was telling her how much I wanted to get out of my current apartment and neighborhood and she said, "Well, you just like change. It's not in your nature to stay anyplace for too long. And that's fine, but that's just how you are." I guess I never thought about it like that. I really am very into change and switching things up and sometimes I recognize that, but I didn't realize that it was such a huge part of my personality. I also didn't realize that my mother noticed it as well. It worries me sometimes, because how will I ever settle down if I always have this desire for something new and exciting? On the other hand, I think I'll live a more varied life and I'll come out better for it. I guess I just need to start plotting my next move since I clearly can't bear to be anywhere for too long.

insomnia.

It's 4:11 am and I'm still up as a result of a nap I started taking at 8:00 pm and finished taking around 11:45 pm. Sigh, when will I learn? I'm also just restless. This weekend I went to DC and it was so much fun. I got to see College BFF and a bunch of my sorority sisters and it was so nice. I miss the girls - just hanging out, people watching, kicking it in the park. It was just such a comfortably chill trip. We didn't really do anything crazy or exciting, just hung out. I needed that. I've been so stressed out by apartment drama and work drama and trying to figure out my life.

I don't know why I'm still awake. I've had crazy napping schedules before and not stayed up til 4 am. I feel like so much is weighing on my mind. On the plus side, we were approved for our apartment and we'll be moving to the financial district in about two weeks!!!! I'm so excited, but there's so much to plan and prepare for. I want to do this move correctly. No last-minute selling furniture and shipping boxes like how it was in California. I want to start this lease out right. We get the keys on June 20th, so maybe I'll start taking stuff over then and then do the big parental/brother-assisted move on June 25th. I feel like that's a good plan. I'm so excited to start over. I feel like this first year in NYC was not largely successful. I mean, I had some really good moments, but also some negative ones. I've let myself become this hermit and it's not good. I need to get out more. I keep thinking back about how the psychic told me that the hardest part is over and that next year will be 1000x better. I hope she's right. I just want this new apartment to be a new start. Maybe I'll love the place and the area and I'll just open up and blossom and grow to really feel comfortable here.

I just struggle with happiness. How to find it and how to keep it. My moods are so varied it's ridiculous.

I'm thinking about TG a lot. I've missed him so much lately and of course, just as I start to feel this way, he enters into a new relationship. Well, I don't know that he's entered into a new relationship, I just suspect it. It's kind of like how it started with Miss Do-Gooder - some chick posted pictures of him on Facebook. They went to some concert together. I'm proud of myself, though. It's less hurtful than it was with Miss DG. I just wonder when/if he'll tell me. I don't know how I feel about him. I struggle with whether or not I should continue to be friends with him. I can't tell if I get slightly jealous/annoyed when he dates because I have genuine, legitimate feelings for him or if it's because I'm not seeing anyone. I mean, I still have no desire to date anyone else. I really feel solidly, happily single - if that makes sense. I'm content to be alone and don't think I really need to be with somebody at this stage of the game. But, then I think of him and I just feel so connected and safe with him. Maybe seeing him this past June wasn't good because it was so couply and relationship-like. I just don't know how he views me. Am I just a friend that he sleeps with? Or am I somebody that he values more than that? I mean, I guess I don't know what I think of him. I consider him as more than a friend, for sure, because of the sex. I just have no basis of comparison. For most of my friendships with men, I know where I stand because I observe their relationships with other women and can compare how they treat them to how they treat me. That doesn't exist here.

I'm just such a drama queen and I'm always tempted to make some dramatic gesture - ya know, like tell him I don't ever want to speak to him again (which is not true. It breaks my heart to think about never speaking to him again) or confess my feelings of jealousy. Then I wonder if my judgment is clouded because he's the only man who's been in my life for a consistent period of time. He's just always there. Always with links and jokes and advice and funny comments. I'm just not used to feeling this way about a person. It's difficult. I suppose I'll get over it soon.

Then, there's my future. I'm not satisfied with where I am - in my career and my goals. I mean, I want law school so badly, but then I'm like - where should I go? Should I go in NYC? In SF? Somewhere else - DC, Chicago? Where do I really fit in? What would be best for me? I have no clue. I just fear becoming stagnant. Stagnation is a huge issue for me. I've been at my job for almost 2 years and I'm restless. Very restless. But the economy is bad and that scares me and being a poor student scares me, too. I've grown accustomed to money. I like it. I don't really want to give it up, but I know that law school is definitely something I have to do and I don't want to wait too long.

Life is a complicated thing. Yes, indeed.

i'm waiting for my summer vacation.

Seriously. Where is it? I don't know what it is about this year, but I want a real honest-to-God summer break like I've never wanted it before. My parents used to tell me that once you graduate college, life is truly just one workday after another. I'm feeling that right now. It's easy for me to be very active in the morning, but the afternoon comes and I just hit this slump and don't want to do anything.

I'm still trying to get this whole 'life' thing settled. Clearly I'm not doing what I want to be doing because I feel very stagnant. I mean, I love my job in the sense that out of all of the positions open to me at this company, this is the one that fits me best. However, it's not what I want to be doing long-term. I'm trying to motivate myself to apply to school, because I don't think I can deal with another year of stagnation. I wonder where I'll end up next year. I love the Bay Area, but I'm such a New Yorker. I wonder which one will win out. I'm also petrified to ask for teacher recommendations because I'm not one of those girls that's easily remembered by professors. I'm sure they're used to getting tons of requests, though. I have to finish all of that by next week - at least sending out the requests. I've started to brainstorm my personal statement. I don't even know what you're supposed to write in a personal statement. I'm trying to leave race/gender out of it because I don't want to define myself solely in those terms. I'm thinking I'll talk about the blood clot and near-death experiences. I hope it's not too cheesy and/or ridiculous.

My feminist task force meeting got canceled today, so I should have plenty of time to get primped and packed for DC. This weekend is going to be fabulous!

off-kilter.

I have been so freaking off-kilter lately. I'm a fairly together person. Even when I'm falling apart, it's always calculated and controlled. I always manage to get my hysterics in check. I usually freak the fuck out and then get really calm and composed and start to logically think about what I can do to get myself out of whatever bad situation I'm in. I usually don't let it affect my attention to detail or anything. I've been slipping, though. I've screwed up which conference room I'm supposed to go to for meetings, as well as the times. I can't find files on my computer because I can't remember what I've named them. I didn't write a list yesterday and didn't do half of my tasks because I was so tired. I totally forgot about my loan bill - thank GOD I misremembered the date and it's due next week. I'm just completely and totally frazzled, which is not me.

The apartment search is weighing on my mind. I'm so excited to move and get over to the west side and live in an area that I like, but we haven't found anything yet. It's been one dead-end after another. Are we being too picky? I don't know. I just think we work too hard and we make enough money that it doesn't make sense to live somewhere subpar. Roomie is starting to freak, too, which is bad because we can egg each other on with our hysterics. Not a good look.

Then there's work. I have so many data requests and due to my own poor time management due to stress and laziness, I'm properly screwed. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get any of these things done on time. I guess I'll do it because I always do it and things always get done, it's just crazy how much I need to accomplish before I leave on Friday.

this week is not looking good.

Basically, I have no idea how I'm going to survive this week. It just seems like nothing is working out properly. We're still hunting for apartments, with no real prospects in sight. Work is heating up quickly, leaving me with a ton of requests to field as I try to duck out early or in the middle of the day to find a place to live. I'm supposed to go to DC this weekend and I was hoping to take a half-day, but people keep putting meetings on my calendar. Not exactly sure how this is all going to work out.

I'm also trying to squeeze in some fun so I don't kill myself. One of my sorority sisters is in town and hopefully I'll get a chance to hang out with her tonight. Then on Thursday, there's a meeting for the feminist task force (it's another branch of that book club I went to). I really want to attend and learn how I can get involved with some of the initiatives they're spearheading. I'd also like to catch a movie in the city with friends before I head out. So much to do, so little time. Luckily, my room is super-clean and I have minimal laundry, so I think I can afford to spend all this time running around. I'm just hoping I get my work done. My job has been stressing me out like whoa lately, but I'll talk about that some other time.

i am not my hair...

... but maybe I am. I'm going through a hair crisis right now. I go through these fairly periodically (crises, I mean... I'm seemingly always on the edge of insanity). Anyway, I'm not sure what I want to do with my hair. I've gone through a million phases with it - relaxers, braids (my own hair), braids (extensions), mini fro, curl perm. Just about the only things I haven't done are shave it bald or get a weave. I thought I had a really good thing going at this Dominican salon I go to - they relax and style my hair and they get it straighter than I've ever seen before. 

However, I also have this horrible scalp condition that makes my scalp horribly dry and scaly at times. I'm lucky in that I don't have an extreme case of it (seriously, when I google image searched it, I wanted to vomit - thank GOD my scalp doesn't look like that), but it's still a colossal pain in the ass to treat. Namely because most of the treatments require you to wash your hair with this medicated, prescription shampoo every two days. That doesn't sound so horrible, but African-American hair is wayyyy too sensitive to wash that frequently. So, I'm unsure of what to do because sometimes the condition shows up (like now) and sometimes it goes away for months at a time. As most of you know, I chemically relax (straighten) my hair every 6 weeks. I'm sure that that's probably not healthy for my condition, but I haven't been able to find a definitive answer about how great the damage is. I guess what I want to know is what the fuck I can do to keep my hair healthy and happy and not look horrible in the process. 

Sometimes I wish I had some sort of scientific skill because I hate the fact that if you're black, there are so few resources available to you if you have a dermatological problem. Not only do I have this scalp issue, but I have some other hereditary skin problems (biological mother - you were a hot mess, fyi) that I haven't been able to solve. So now, I have to spend precious time hunting down a dermatologist that specializes in black skin care (which I'm sure will be time-consuming and expensive). UGH. I guess for right now, I'm just going to stop relaxing my hair, start using these special tar shampoos and hope for the best with my search. In the meantime, I'll try not to look too beastly.

i live in manhattan and yet i'm never here.

Sad, isn't it? I'm spending another weekend on Long Island - haha. The third weekend in a row. I hereby vow to never go back until Thanksgiving because this is getting ridiculous. Looking forward to the 3-day weekend, though, and spending time with the HSW kids. Party tomorrow night, bbq-ing and fireworks on Saturday. Hopefully, I'll get to see MB since she's visiting New York. This is such a bad weekend for me, but I will make it happen.

Next weekend, I'm going to DC to visit College BFF. I'm super excited because I haven't seen her in ages and I'm really ready to catch up and party with her. We haven't even been talking on the phone as much, so we need to hang out.

After that, though, I think I want to start spending time in Manhattan. I have to check in with my boss, but I'd really like to take summer Fridays as vacation days for the next 6 weeks. That way, I can rest and relax and explore a bit and really get to see New York. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is my last year in New York and I want to enjoy it!

um, actually...

So in a highly amusing turn of events, it doesn't look like we'll be taking the apartment I mentioned earlier. Finally, somebody else's mom freaked out about an apartment! So yeah, J's mom read some pretty bad reviews online and doesn't want us to sign for the place. I'm perfectly happy with that decision, as we have a month to look and I was concerned about the small living room. I e-mailed The Banker, who called me last night to talk about the apartment. He thinks we're crazy for even wanting to live in the FiDi, but he did confirm some of the craziness of the apartment. It was such a mindfuck to talk to him, especially over the phone. He was insanely helpful, though. Honestly - he really didn't need to take the time to call and talk to me and he said he's always available if we have more questions. I guess he's not such an asshole after all. So yeah, back to the drawing board.

i am so happy i just might burst into song.

We have an application and a hold on an apartment!!!! It's in this SICK building in the financial district and it's beautiful. Three bedroom converted, 2 full bathrooms, the prettiest kitchen I've ever seen. Laundry in the building, gym, rooftop terrace access, wi-fi in the lounges, a movie screening room. It looks absolutely fabulous. I'm not sure what room I want yet. The rooms are a little smaller than the ones we have now - one has two closets, though. Another one has a bathroom. Not sure which I want more. I guess I should also feel out which one J wants. Either one seems fine to me. There are lots of windows and a ton of light. It's so airy and pretty.

The only issue I have is that the living room is going to be tiny. Like teeny-tiny. But, I never hang out there anyway AND the kitchen is big enough to really cook in. Plus with all the free space in the building, I'll have plenty of places to go.

Okay - this is the randomest thing EVER, but guess who lives in my apartment building? THE BANKER! Ummm, really?! Haha - out of all the buildings in New York, I'm moving two floors below the banker. Get the *#$% out. It really is a small world after all.

hate searching for apartments.

Can I just mention how much I hate apartment hunting? Seriously. Nothing has pleased me yet and we've seen some real shitholes. Well, just one. It was like the dungeon of death. J and I were afraid we'd catch some sort of communicable disease just from setting foot inside it. I think we're going to start looking at buildings in the financial district. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it - even though it's dead down there, the buildings are nice and the amenities are pretty cool. Not to mention, I never seem to make my way past 14th street anyway, so it shouldn't really inconvenience me.

I just want to find someplace to live - apartment searches make me cranky and remind me of all the godawful experiences I've had with them. I also expect to fight with my mother, since apparently that's what happens whenever I move. Literally - every time. It happened in Prov, in SF, and again in NYC. Maybe this time we'll really get into it. =)

fun new york weekend!

Lately, I've been feeling kind of down, there's been all this drama and I really needed to have a nice, fun weekend in New York to help me remember how much I love this place. Luckily, this weekend was fabulous and really did the trick.

Friday night was super low-key. My big sister (sorority) came to visit and we had dinner at this Mexican place near my house. Had an amazing drink - basically just a mojito, but with coconut rum - yum! Then we came home and chatted it up a bit.

Saturday was tons of fun - went out to Long Island and did the beach thing. We didn't get to spend all that much time on the beach, but it didn't matter. What was most important to me was hanging out with my oldest friends, driving fast and blasting all of our favorite songs, singing along. Had a nice lunch on the beach, chilled out for a bit. Unfortunately, there was thunder on the horizon, so we had to leave after about an hour or so, but just making it out there was enough for me. After that, we picked up B and drove out to the Cheesecake Factory. Great dinner followed by a spectacular fireworks show. Then it was back to the city.

Sunday morning brunch at The Sunburnt Cow was great. I got so smashed, though. I didn't think those screwdrivers were going to get to me, but they did. I think I may have gotten sick from either the meal or the alcohol because I was violently ill this afternoon during a trip to the Mac store. So not fun. Tried to walk off my illness while observing the folks at the parade. I love Pride weekend. Loved seeing gay and lesbian couples walking hand in hand down the street, people in colorful costumes waving flags. The vibe in the city was just so open and loving. I wish I would have been able to participate, but there's always next year.

I was in desperate need of this weekend - reconnecting with friends, getting to spend some time enjoying New York. It was just what I needed. I think sometimes it's easy for me to forget what I love about this place, especially when my life gets complicated and messy. I don't know if I'll live in New York forever, but I know that a piece of myself will always be connected to this city. No matter where life takes me, I will always be a New Yorker.