quick hit.

So this is it. I'm having my quarterlife crisis. It's spectacular. Anyway, I have so much to talk about, but I'm watching the Yankees game and I need to get my thoughts in order. Basically, I was just informed that I have to spend 50% of my time doing my old job. Remember how I used to schedule interviews and book travel and do all sorts of things that were awful? Yeah, well, I'm doing that again for a little while. I've been sold down the river. I actually cried over this. I don't think words can express how soul-sucking that job was and I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a spectacular demotion. You work hard, you bust your ass to get out of a position and then all of a sudden you're right back where you started again.

Someone help me brainstorm my next move. The roomies discussed - we've come up with the following:
1. marry rich
2. become a dominatrix

I'm leaning towards 2, but I'll take more suggestions.

xoxo,
your friendly neighborhood drama queen.

roaring 20s.

For the past couple of days, you may have noticed that I've been tagging my posts with the label 'roaring 20s.' Then again, maybe you didn't - is anyone reading this, haha? Lately, I've been obsessed with the 1920s. It's always been one of my favorite eras and if I could live at any time, I would choose that one. So many exciting things going on in literature, culture, and society. I just recently read a book about flappers and now I'm smack in the middle of The Beautiful and the Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald. That whole world fascinates me. There were so many interesting things happening with women and the Harlem Renaissance and prohibition. The history geek in me can barely get enough.

But to get to the point (and yes, there is a point...), I want to christen this period in my life the Roaring 20s (yes, I know I'm incredibly cheesy and dorky, but I like me this way). I really think it's time for me to start celebrating my youth and taking advantage of every minute of it. I'm 24 years old and I have no commitments to anyone but myself. To celebrate my renewed energy, my roommate and I got ridiculously wasted on wine and were promptly drunk by 8pm. It was an excellent first night of freedom and I even made it to bed (well, passed out) by 11pm. Tonight, it's dinner and a movie with the roomies, and tomorrow I will be drinking with my favorite drinking buddy, Tall. Thursday is Planned Parenthood training and then Friday, I'll be taking the train home to Long Island to see my family, catch up on sleep, and watch movies with Slind. Fabulous.

I think I'm on my way to being back to my old self. It feels good =)

diary of a mad black woman.

Lately, I've been feeling really angry and upset at the state of our society, especially in regards to gender and race. I've never been as tired of dealing with bullshit as I currently am. As each day passes, I am more and more disillusioned with the state of life for black women in America.

I spend a lot of time talking to my College BFF. We have a rock solid relationship for a variety of reasons - we're both kind of crazy, borderline alcoholic, have similar outlooks on relationships and friendships, but I'd be lying if I said that race isn't a factor in our friendship. I consider her to be one of my closest friends partially because we're both black women who were raised by a certain type of black parent. We can both feel comfortable with each other's families because we were raised with a lot of the same values. Having bourgie black parents is similar whether you grew up down South (like she did) or up North (like I did). She just gets it. Last night, we discussed how angry we are all the time. How it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. That there's no way a black woman can 'have it all' and stay sane. I mean, I look at Michelle Obama - girlfriend can't do anything without the press jumping on it. I'm still reeling over the Malia Obama 'hair in twists' debacle. It just makes me sick - just because she was wearing a natural hair style she's deemed unfit to be seen. I reread this OKCupid article that basically shows that the lowest people on the dating totem pole are Black women. It's actually quite fascinating - I'd recommend reading it. Top that off with my own experiences navigating my way through life and it's no wonder I'm bitter. I'm actually shocked I don't feel shittier than I do.

Lately, I'm finding it harder and harder to navigate in the "white world." Sometimes I wish my non-colored friends and colleagues could glimpse just for a second the amount of sadness, anger, and disgust that I live with every single day. Quite frankly, I don't think the upper-middle class order can even grasp just how many angry black people are lurking in its midst. I mean, I'm angry as hell and I have a good job, a good apartment, and am fairly successful by most measures. God only knows how mad I'd be if I was living in poverty. I remember a bit Chris Rock used to do about his older black uncle, who was married to a white woman. The uncle tries to explain this to Chris - something along the lines of "These white people ain't shit... except for Suzie. I love her and she loves me, that's what matters. But, I'll tell you this - if the revolution ever comes, I'll kill her first, just to prove a point." Not gonna lie, I know where he's coming from. I operate within this world, but I'm not from it and if I'm asked to choose sides, I already know which side I'm choosing. It may not be "fair," it may not be "enlightened," but honestly, it's how I've come to feel lately.

I've made a lot of concessions to get where I'm going - I've given up a lot of myself just to assimilate and sometimes I can't bear it. Because the fact of the matter is, no matter how long I operate in this world, and no matter how far I get - there will always be limits. Even if we can have the presidency and become CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, the scrutiny is still there. Everyone is just waiting for you to fuck up because at the end of the day, in the words of one of my favorite Kanye lines, "Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe..."

The fact of matter is, I can't ignore race - try as I might. That is a luxury that no colored person will ever have. Race is something I'll have to discuss in my home, lecture my children about, and prepare them for as I raise them and if I go it alone, I won't have any help doing it. I will have to teach them the lessons my mother and father taught me - that being good is never good enough, that people will judge you before you open your mouth, and that it will never be easy. I've learned that I can't afford to be weak or let anyone see me sweat or cry. Vulnerability is not an option.

In my ongoing struggle to reconcile my choices in the past with the person I'm trying to become, I cut my hair. More and more, the personal is starting to become political. Initially, I cut my hair because all those chemicals were drying my scalp out and it was unhealthy. After I did it, though, it started to mean more to me than just having a healthy head of hair. In the end, I think I cut it because I wanted to say fuck you to all those images that assault women on a daily basis that tell us we have to be tall, thin, with long, silky-straight hair and Caucasian features to be pretty. I refuse to play into that anymore. I'm keeping my short, nappy hair and my fat ass and my brown skin and I'm going to rock it like nobody's business. I'm tired of little black girls not feeling pretty, not loving themselves. So I'm going to do the only thing I feel empowered to do right now - I'm just gonna be me and not apologize for it. I'm going to embrace my own beauty and try and inspire others to do the same. It's not much, but you gotta start somewhere.

Anger is only useful if it leads to some kind of action. The good Lord knows I'm trying.

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid.

This weekend was amazing and reminded me that I love New York City, I love going out, and I never ever ever want to be old. I had brunch with one of my favorite AXOs today and I declared that I want to be young and free and irresponsible forever. I believe I phrased it something like this, "I just want to die before I'm 35. That way I never have to grow up or be in charge of anything." Yes - I know, I'm ridiculous, but the sentiment behind it was heartfelt. I've spent the past week thinking about life and what I want out of it. My job makes me want to kill myself on a daily basis - I think I've cried about 4 days last week and had several irrational outbursts of anger when I wasn't crying. I had two conversations with close friends today - one that made me question what we're teaching our sons about how to live their lives and another that made me realize that I'm becoming an angry black woman (I'll post more about that tomorrow). It's been a rough 7 days for sure, but by this weekend I decided that I want to be young forever and that I need to stop this premature oldness that has crept into my life. It's disgusting and there's no place for it right now.

I went out on Friday night and got spectacularly smashed with my fabulous roommates, my roomie's girlfriend, and Jama. It was so much fun to laugh and joke with friends. I don't know if I'll ever have friends anywhere like my friends in NYC. For the first time in a long while, I feel really good socially. I love my apartment. It's homey, it's warm, it's inviting and we have an amazing time together. Our friend groups mesh and I feel really involved in each other's lives. It's a nice feeling. I love my work friends - I feel like I've settled into a comfortable routine there. Then there's the high school kids, who aren't even my friends anymore, they're my fucking family. Top that off with the new people in our lives and I feel very balanced and supported. Halloween was fantastic! I liked my bloody Little Dead Riding Hood costume. Went out, stayed out til 4 am like old times. I didn't get all that drunk, though, but that's probably for the best. Top that off with brunch and errands today and it was a nice, social weekend.

I am 24 years old and I don't know if all those things that I thought I wanted will ever materialize. I don't know if I'll get married, I don't know if I'll have children. I don't know if I'll have a house with a yard in a suburban paradise. All of that not knowing makes me want plan for the alternative. The thing I like most about New York is that it always has this really exciting, youthful feel. Not necessarily youthful like everyone looks/acts 21, but moreso that people are so active. They go out, they experience the world, they have a good time, they live to entertain themselves. I miss that. I used to go out all the time. I drank and I flirted with boys and I was inappropriate and wild and free. Now, I spend most evenings at home or doing something tame with friends. I don't wanna do that shit anymore. Society has told me that as a woman, that I'm supposed to want a domestic utopia, and the the only way I'm supposed to achieve happiness is to get married to some man and bear his children all the while trying to juggle a meaningful career at the same time. Maybe I don't want that. Maybe I struggle with being single not because I'm upset about being single but because I'm supposed to be upset about being single. Fuck that.

Every day I read another article about how single, intelligent black women are destined to be alone - how no one wants to marry us. I refuse, I fucking refuse to feel sorry for myself or to become another statistic. I'm opting out. I don't want to be a part of anybody's scheme of what my life should be or what I should want. Maybe I don't want a house, maybe I want to be a nomad, a wanderer, for the rest of my life. Maybe I want to have a baby come hell or high water - whether I'm married or single or living in sin. Maybe I want to drink myself half to death every weekend and spend my time and money making myself feel good and not worrying about growing up and doing grown-up things. Maybe I want to be a new kind of woman, one that doesn't live her life by a prescribed timeline or set of rules. Fuck you and all of your fucking rules. I'm going to break them all and I'm going to do it with a smile on my face.

I never want to grow up.

home sweet home, at last!

I am finally back in New York City and I've never been happier to be back. After the end of the California nightmare, I spent a weekend in Seattle visiting with College Roommate and relaxing. I got to see S and rest myself and get away from work - it was nice.

Now that I'm back home, though, I feel like the pressure is on. I've been immediately thrust back into my old life and I'm still adjusting. It's strange to be away for such a long period of time. I'm already stressing out about Halloween plans, my Planned Parenthood training on Thursday, and making sure I get enough sleep so I don't collapse. I forgot how busy New York could be. =)

Work is still stressful, but not in the working-16-hours-a-day kind of way, more in the constantly-preoccupied-with-thoughts-of-things-I-should-be-doing way. I'm sure I'll survive, although I've been incredibly unhappy about the whole situation lately. It's always something, I suppose. One can never be 100% happy in life.

My thoughts are racing, all the time. It worries me that I don't have a concrete goal in life. At least not anymore. I've lost sight of what I want, which is unsettling. I tend to get what I want. Or at least what I think I want. I'm not worried about not achieving. The problem I have now is that I don't know what it is I want, so I don't know how to go about getting it. I'm not used to chasing shadows - this shit is new to me. Taking life as it comes isn't really my M.O. - never has been and I suspect it never will be. I like to always have something to strive for at all times. I just need to clear my head and think. I'm hoping after the hoopla of this weekend, things will be a bit more relaxed and I'll have time to think and plan my next steps.

In the meantime, catching up on some Dexter and Mad Men.

welcome back.

I've been neglecting this blog a lot lately and not just because of work. I mean, even when I was back in NYC and writing on a daily basis, I'd lost a lot of my previous spark. I just got a Facebook message from a friend from college that I haven't spoken to in ages. She mentioned reading my blog religiously in college and finding it "entertaining and thought-provoking." Quite frankly, I haven't felt entertaining or thought-provoking in a long while and I apologize for that. I don't know what it is - if I'm at an impasse with my writing or my life, but I've been hopelessly boring and it needs to end. I'm rededicating myself to this blog and to all of my other writing. I swear I will put interesting content on this page and will stop posting simply to post. Even when I'm not living the social butterfly lifestyle, I am an intelligent girl with real thoughts that I should put on the page and I'm going to do that, damn it! Yeah! Haha.

So to start, I want to talk about my job. I've worked the hardest I've ever worked in my life over the past three weeks. I worked 125 hours over the last two weeks and I'm sure that's shortchanging myself because of all the time I spend checking e-mails and crafting correspondence in my sleep. I've never been a stranger to hard work. I've worked very hard to get to where I am today, but sometimes I wonder how long I can hold up working like this and if it's even worth it. What makes it worse is that I can't tell if the hours and stress of the position are the problem or if it's the simple fact that I just don't feel passionate about the work. I guess what I'm really asking myself is: do I want a job or do I want a career?

I had lunch today with Blondie, my former SF roommate. She told me that in her current position she isn't even allowed to work overtime and so does 8 hours every day, 5 days a week. She doesn't necessarily love the work she's doing, but she likes it well enough and even moreso she enjoys having no stress and the freedom to live her life as she sees fit when she's outside of the office. She likes having a job that pays the bills but doesn't consume her allowing her to get fulfillment outside of work.

I've always been a career gal. Not that I want my job to be my life, but I feel like I was raised to study hard and do well in school so that I could be successful, defined as having a powerful, lucrative job that would bring me prestige and a sense of pride in what I do. I've always wanted a family and a husband and a nice social circle, but all of that was always in the background while I would define myself by my career - in my case, as an attorney. Now, I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier if I just had a job. Something decent, of course, but nothing that I would define myself by. It would just be that thing I do 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, in order to finance the things I truly care about and want to define me.

This is seriously changing my worldview here. I know that I couldn't stay in my current role forever because I'm not wildly in love with working in HR. Not only that, but I know that to work on my team would mean long hours, stressful situations, and daily annoyances. I think I can put up with those things if I was in the field/position of my dreams. But then again, how do I know that's true? Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't want to be defined by my career, but that I'd rather live the life I'd like and focus on my extracurricular interests, while simply punching in 9-5.

I know how I am, though. I'd much rather get the law degree and focus on that and then decide down the road that I want to own a surf shop in Maui. I'm just not ready to give up on the career just yet.

being sick is the worst.

Ugh, I hate when I don't feel well and I'm not taking care of my body. I got sent home from work yesterday because of my coughing and nose-blowing, but I had meetings today, so I had to come in. I just can't wait to be back in NYC, in my bed. I desperately need to get better this weekend because I have all these plans next week - Halloween potluck, my first sex ed training course, and then Halloween itself. I also have to pick up my costume and prep for that. Too much craziness. After this trip, I never want to leave New York again unless it's for a permanent move. Seriously.

I don't even have anything remotely interesting to say, just wanted to complain about being sick! I swear I'll be more interesting after 10/27. Watch out for that!

the long day is over.

I'm hoping that this is true because I just cannot work like this anymore. I already have 35 hours of overtime for this pay cycle and Wednesday hasn't even finished yet. I'm starting to get sick and I barely get any sleep anymore since we don't get home til midnight and have to be back at work at 8am. I feel like I'm working in a sweatshop. God help us all. Today, though, we moved out of our war room and are instead back at the normal desks. I'm supposed to grab dinner with a few friends tonight and I'm hoping I get out in time to do it. Actually, I'm hoping I get out in time to take a nap and then meet them for dinner.

All of this craziness this past couple of weeks has really made me think about things. I wonder about what I should do next year - law school or working another year or a job transfer or a new job. Not really sure what the best solution is - I just know I need to start making some decisions before my time runs out. I wish I had time to ponder these things seriously, but no, instead I'm working so hard I can barely think. I really need to figure my shit out.

you always make me feel so good...

TG uttered these words to me on Friday night and I can't help being re-enamored with him. I've spent most of the day replaying out evening/morning and smiling about it. I've turned into one of those silly little girls that I never wanted to be, but I don't really mind it so much. It's kind of nice sometimes, to live inside one's own delusions.

So Tech Guy decided to carve out a day for me and only me, which made me happy. He pisses me off and makes me mad so much, but at the same time, there are so many positives. I'm a very negative person sometimes and he encourages me not to be that way. There's also his drive and ambition, which I admire greatly and which I hope will only encourage me to be more goal-oriented in my own life.

It was a pretty low-key weekend. I took the shuttle to his apartment and we lay in bed, half-napping and cuddling. He put on some music, which of course led to making out. It was different this time, though. I feel like so many of our sexual experiences have just been kissing in order to start the sex process, but this time it felt like we were just kissing because we cared about each other and wanted to show it. He was gentler than normal and it felt really good to just be with him. To feel him touch my new hair and my face and my cheeks and my nose. It was somehow more intimate than anything we'd ever done before. I liked it. Of course, I wanted to escalate, because I'm me and so we did and that was good, too. Then we went to dinner and talked. We talked about where we are in our lives and the stagnation that's overcoming our generation and what we can do to fix it. He asked my advice. I think the one thing I like the most about him is that he values my opinion. He asks me to advise him on important situations and he always listens to me. He trusts me and that's important and special to me. The movie was eh, but I noticed how affectionate he is towards me when we're out. I never really thought any man could make me a fan of PDA, but he's slowly turning me. I like the feeling of knowing that he's proud to be with me when we're out and unafraid to show people that. I never feel like I'm in some closet sexual relationship, but instead he puts everything out there for all to see. I'm horrible at that, personally, but I'm trying to get better.

After the movie, we met up with some of his friends. I learned that so many of the girls that I've been threatened by are just friends and I got to meet his bestie in the city. He was a really nice guy. The bar wasn't really my pace and some of his other friends are douchebags, but bestie was nice and interested in talking to me so it was worthwhile. We left early, though, to go back home. We got in bed and did our usual thing which is when he tossed out the aforementioned quote. I told him that I like to make him happy, which I do. I try hard when we're together to be positive and not mopey. He makes me laugh - I spent about 10 minutes cracking up at a story he told me and I loved the fact that he smiles so hard when I laugh at the things he says. I like making him smile.

He walked me to go get a cab on Saturday morning and told me how truly great it was to see me and how much he enjoyed the time we spent together. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was just nice to see him again. Nice to spend time wih him. I miss him already. Sometimes these things can be so painful.

this trip won't kill me but it may make me stronger.

I've had so many realizations during this trip to California, and I'm only a week and a half in. First of all - I'm dying to go back home. This trip has reaffirmed my love for New York in ways I never thought were possible. I'm not sure what it is - maybe it's the fact that I'm regularly working over 14 hours each day. Maybe it's because TG has been hot and cold and crazy lately. Maybe it's the fact that I'm stuck in the suburbs and not in SF. The point is - I miss New York. A lot. With all of its imperfections, I still miss being there. I miss my friends - hell, I even miss all the stupid things they do to piss me off. I think I'm also having a hard time being cut off from people. This time zone thing is no joke! I can't call my parents and I barely speak to my friends as a result of my crazy work life combined with the 3 hour time difference. It's hard. I miss the fast pace of the city, the fact that people there don't drive at 20 mph, and knowing that there's always something to do.

I think I'm closing my California chapter right now. I'm moving on. I'm ready to cut ties with TG - not necessarily anything permanent or dramatic, just not being so dependent on him for certain things. I'm *gasp* ready to start dating again. I think going to the wedding and meeting new people and seeing how amazing love can make your life has really had a profound effect on me. The cloud is lifting and I'm ready to start living my life again. I have a ton of things that I want to focus on when I get back.

First of all - I need to figure out what will make me the happiest in the future. Right now, my job is making me want to shoot my eyes out and I can't figure out if it's the 80 hour weeks or just the fact that I'm not passionate about what I'm doing 15 hours each day. I need to figure that shit out and quickly. I also need to get my body back into shape. I miss physical activity and eating right and feeling like I'm giving my body what it needs. Instead I'm just giving it junk.

I signed up for the activist council training at Planned Parenthood and I am psyched! I've been dying to learn more about sex education and issues of sexuality and I think this is a fantastic way to get involved. The class meets every Thursday night for a month and I really think I'm going to learn a ton. Then there's the whole Girls in Tech thing that I need to stay on top of. I also want to start going out more in NYC - hanging out with my current friends, turning acquaintances into better friends, and meeting new people to explore the city with.

I'm incredibly tired, beat, and run down right now by work, but I'm really happy about the prospect of switching it up when I get back to Manhattan. I'm ready to start the next chapter in my life.

wow, it's been a while!

So I haven't written in forever because my job is taking over my life. I worked 25 hours of overtime last week and we did an 8+ hour day today (yes, on Sunday - fucking shoot me). I was so unhappy the last two hours, I thought I'd walk off the job. I don't know if it's just that I don't want to do the job I'm doing or if I'm just cranky and overworked. It's hard to say.

ANYWAY. Updates! TG has been so hot and cold lately, it's sick. He didn't even try to hang out with me last weekend and then the week rolls around and I get this IM from him about a picture of me online and how sexy I looked in it and how much it turned him on. Then he was offering to come out to the South Bay to spend time with me. It all sounds good to me, but of course my job is preventing me from doing any of it. Plus now he's kind of ignoring me - he's probably mad that I couldn't hang out on Saturday. He did text me while I was at the wedding, though. I was so conflicted about it.

The wedding. Oh, God - the wedding. It was beautiful, amazingly beautiful. Held in Half Moon Bay, CA at the Ritz - the food was perfect, the view was perfect, everything was fabulous. The thing I loved the most was how spectacularly happy the couple looked. You could tell that the two of them were truly in love and that it was simply perfect. They were beautiful together and everyone could feel how special of an occasion this was. I teared up several times during the ceremony.

I also spent a large portion of the night talking to a boy (gasp!). I didn't really think he was interested in me, but roomie seems to think so. We spent a lot of time talking - turns out that we have the same alma mater, graduated the same year, and never met. He was super sweet and kind of my type - you know, dorky, Jewish, sweet. Love it. I did get a hug at the end of the night and I have to Facebook him for sure, but I'm waiting til tomorrow. He's in law school in New Haven, which is hot, and I just had such a sweet time talking to him and dancing. It was really nice. I also felt incredibly comfortable just spending time alone with him. It was the first time in forever that I've been excited about a new guy. Even if nothing comes of it, it's just nice to know that I spent the evening getting to know someone that seemed really worthwhile as a person. Maybe he was just being friendly, but either way, it kind of made me feel like I was almost ready to open myself up again. To think about the possibility of love in my life. I think it's a great first step.