are you there, lover? it's me cleo...

I am starting to fear that I will never be in a relationship again. Luckily, this isn't making me feel regretful about breaking up with the Blexican, but it is making me feel frustrated and annoyed and potentially wanting to be a little bit slutty. Unfortunately, I'm super ugly this month and don't think that sluttiness will be possible unless I lower my standards a great deal (and even then, I'm not so sure, lol). Boo. I'm working on it, though... maybe in May?

I'm happy, though. Shockingly. I think I've finally found the place I'm supposed to be and even though everything is far from settled, it feels like home. I am in love with the Bay Area. I find it beautiful and captivating and it makes me feel so alive. I have no desire to go back to New York City for any long stretch of time (although, I do miss my awesome friends, real bagels/pizza, warm summer nights, and fellow Yankees fans). I'm in it for the long haul, though! 

Yet, I'm still mystified by this thing called love and the idea of a relationship. It's like the final piece of the puzzle that is my existence. I have pretty much achieved some modicum of happiness in every other aspect of my being. I'm trying to have faith in the Universe that I will someday discover this love thing that you humans speak of and it will change my life. Then I have days where I wonder if a man with all his teeth and common sense anyone will ever look at me with lust/love again and I feel discouraged. I have absolutely no desire to meet anyone online, so I know it's going to be rough and I'm probably going to hate myself as I wander through a lot of lonely evenings.

The whole relationship thing is just royally fucked for me - in all directions. I don't feel capable of loving OR being loved. Like with the Blexican, I honestly have to sit back and think he must've been out of his damn mind for being "in love" with me. Yeah, I give good head and will try anything once, but so do most hookers. I say inappropriate things (see previous sentence), have the strangest tastes, and I'm a sarcastic bitch. Add conventional standards of beauty into the mix and the fact that I live in the land of no dark people and I'm starting to think I'm going to die alone, clutching the only man I've ever really loved - Jack Daniels. 

I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm tired of waiting. Seriously - I'm sick and tired of waiting for this man who's supposed to come and sweep me off my feet and make me feel like rainbows and unicorns and sunshine. Where the fuck are you? Because I am tired of waiting. I'm tired of getting older and watching the world get older and wondering when I'm going to get to feel those feelings that everyone else seems to have no trouble with. By the time you get here, I will be jaded and spiteful and (more) impossible to deal with, so why don't you just hurry the hell up and get here already so we can get married, buy a house, have babies, and die? 

Note: Before anyone presents the argument that I should be a complete person and find love within myself so that I am ready for it when it comes - I have this to say. I am so much of a fucking complete person that it has driven many men away. Independent isn't my middle name - it's my only name. I am as much of a complete person as you can be. I do all those things they say you're supposed to do - I go to the movies alone, I live alone, I've even gone to bars alone. I'm not looking for someone to complete me or support me. I'm just looking for someone who's willing to help carry the burden sometimes. I promise to do the same in return.

relationship updates!

I've been refraining from the relationship blogging lately because I really do want to do this whole 'being someone's girlfriend' thing correctly. I'm kind of rash and impulsive when it comes to my relationships. I am also insanely prone to panicking at the first sign of any difficulties, so I'm trying not to do that with the boy. I especially don't want to blog through every little mini-crisis I have. As much as I love cringing through old updates where I jumped the gun on judging things, I'm trying not to do that here. It's taken a little bit of time (and several freakouts), but I'm finally settling into this whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing - all the positives and the negatives.

I've been stressing out mostly because the boy is really quiet. Really, really quiet, which can make the whole going out with my friends thing a bit stressful. I'm never sure if he's having fun and he always seems to want to hang back, while I want him to be part of the group, with me. I'm a pretty social person and I'm chatty as fuck. I could talk the ears off a brick wall, whether I've known the wall for years or five minutes. The boy is not like that *at all* and I was just annoyed by it. But then I got to thinking about all of the positives of our relationship. I mean, he is seriously dedicated to us and to me. I mean, the man does my dishes, sets up and fixes my electronics, drives me to where I need to go, puts up with my drunken ridiculousness, and never pressures me into anything. To top it off, he's surprisingly not shy in the bedroom. Like, I really think it's possible we could do all the insanely freaky shit I've been dying to do but couldn't since I tend to have more one-night stands than long-standing sexual relationships. That's pretty fucking awesome.

I guess I'm just learning that relationships are not cut and dry and they require some work, some compromise, and some understanding. All this sounds incredibly remedial, but the fact of the matter is, I've never really put in effort with any guy I've dated. I mean, I guess with TG I kind of did, but it was one of those 'too little, too late' situations. I tend to view most men as disposable (at least romantically). My typical story goes like this. I meet a guy. We flirt. I'm both sexually suggestive and aggressive at the same time. We get it on. Then I/he/we move on. The End. I'm not really used to the whole repetition thing. It's never suited me. Even though I want a husband and kids and all that comes with that, I am insanely scared of growing up - the fear is almost paralyzing sometimes. Combine that with my dread of getting too close to people and you get a girl who bounces around from promiscuous situation to promiscuous situation. I'm trying to break the cycle.

This weekend was good. Shockingly good. The boy asked to stay the weekend at my place and I agreed, based on the condition that he'd bounce on Sunday morning so I could be productive. We spent Friday night in together - eating dinner and fooling around. Saturday - took in a movie, hung around, napped, and then spent the night partying with Roomie and friends. Then this morning we played house a little - I did work and clean-up while he set up my GoogleTV and DVD player. It felt grown-up in a way that I could handle. I'm not 100% over the moon or anything, but I am cautiously optimistic and borderline happy. For me, that's pretty frickin' huge.

i'm back!

Hi friends! So, I'm hoping to get back to a regular posting schedule about my regular topics. I'm really enjoying exploring this whole relationship thing - it's invigorating and interesting. In other news, I also have major news on the work front, but I can't share it right now, so rawr! Instead, this is what I can talk about in my life.

The Blexican is coming over tomorrow night and I'm excited. I actually miss him. I think this whole 'him working til 1:30am Tues-Thurs' thing makes it easier for me to want to be with him. I need a little distance in my relationships to help them grow and his schedule allows me to have that. Not only that, he seems extremely supportive of my right to have my own life. I've never really been with anyone like that - at least not anyone that wanted to be with me. Sure, when you're hooking up with guys they don't care about that stuff because they just want sex. But, he seems to really want to be with me and yet he's totally down with the fact that I go on trips without him and that some nights I can't hang out because I wanna do my own thing. I like it. I'm not opposed to relationships at all, but I know that the relationship that I want is something unconventional and tailored to fit my own personal neuroses and he seems to be down for it. I don't want to be a 'we' couple - that's just not me. Most of it is trust - I don't trust anyone. Relationships, friendships, etc are fleeting and so I am always ready to walk away at a moment's notice, but I feel more trust for him than I have for anyone thus far. So, to show him my appreciation for being so sweet, I'm going to make him dinner on Sunday night. I'm excited and terrified. Additionally, if you want to see the most awkward thing in your life, watch me try to write an endearing text message. I don't know why, but I can't use things like 'sweetie or baby' without throwing up a little in my mouth. Then when I decided to use 'hun' instead, he made fun of me. Jesus, take the wheel - I need relationship help.

Anyway, since I'm doing all this soul-searching and whatnot, I've decided that this weekend we're going to have the Talk. Not necessarily the 'I wanna be your girlfriend' talk, but more like I want to know what he thinks of me, if he's seeing other girls (I'd bet my right arm he isn't, but I want to ask anyway), and where he thinks this can go.  I don't need some kind of crazy commitment right now, but I know myself - I avoid things that make me uncomfortable. This makes me uncomfortable and so I need to just do it. I don't think I can really explain to you all how nervous relationships make me. I've always been single - ALWAYS - and it's been a huge part of me. Giving it up feels sad, almost. I just want to make sure I do this right. When you're happy with yourself and you love yourself and you love being alone, it's hard to let someone into that without feeling a little nervous. I enjoy my lifestyle and changing it is going to be rough. But, I think I may have found someone that will let me be me and that's more valuable than anything else. Wish me luck!

ex-sex is taking over my life.

It seems like men are always popping back into my life at the randomest intervals. I don't understand it. In the past 7 days, I've had 2 opportunities to have ex sex - one I took and the other one I'm going to take a pass on.

I think I mentioned that a few weeks back, I stupidly let Tall convince me that texting The Intellectual was a good idea. Now the stupid boy won't leave me alone. I keep getting random ass texts from him, which culminated in "What are you doing on Monday night?" When I said I was busy, he asked about Tuesday. I told him that I thought Tuesday could work and then he wrote back, "Cool. So I'll come over around 9pm?" Ugh. The thought of sleeping with him makes me physically ill. I figured he just wanted to go out for coffee or something, not jump my bones. So now I don't know how to respond. I thought about it for a little bit. Sleeping with him is intriguing. He's good in bed, he has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life (double digits, people!) and he's built like a Greek god. The pelvic lines, he has the pelvic lines! Just going over it right now is making me want to change my mind, but I know I won't. You know why? Because I think after 24 years on this earth, I finally respect myself enough not to sleep with men who couldn't give two shits about me. It took a long time, a lot of hookups and mistakes, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can't let just anyone touch me.

Which brings me back to ex sex situation #1 - Tech Guy. Many of my friends want to know why that's different. Why I feel perfectly fine sleeping with him and I don't even hesitate when we're together. I guess it's because I know that there is genuine emotion there. I'm not saying it's the healthiest arrangement ever, but I will say this. The boy treats me with respect and respects all of me. When I come to SF, he doesn't make late night booty call arrangements with me. He takes me to dinner, he takes me to get drinks, and he only tries to get in my pants when he knows it's what I want. He doesn't assume that I'm going to just throw my panties at him. He asks me about my life and he tells me about his. He listens to my advice and really values what I have to say. He knows my body and my moods and what I like. He knows that I like it first thing in the morning and that I will wake him up for it and even when he's tired, he'll put in the effort. He tells me that I'm beautiful every time I see him, no matter what and he gets up early to text me before my plane takes off. He may not be perfect, we may have a rocky past, but goddamnit he doesn't treat me like a whore.

And that's why I will pass up the rock hard Adonis for the cuddly, squishy, nerdy engineer. Because when you stack them both up, it's quite clear which one comes out on top.

love three day weekends.

I don't know why I'm so frickin hungover, but I am. My stomach is turning over like every 5 minutes. Blarg. ANYWAY. This weekend has been awesome. Spent Friday night at dinner with Jama and we did our Secret Santa exchange. I love my gifts and it was nice to spend time with him, chattering away. Saturday, I slept in until past noon and was pretty much a big bum all day. Then, met up with Slindy and Jama for dinner at one of my fave places - Vento. I love Italian food and it was amazing. Then we met up with the roommates to get drinks. The bar was lame and I had to criticize the DJ (who STILL continued to play shitty music, even after my intervention), so we left after one drink and then headed back to Jama's to watch SNL. Somehow I dragged my tired ass onto the subway and made it home by 3 am. I love New York City so much sometimes.

Jama and I had a long chat about TG. The whole situation is ridiculous. I'm really starting to get nervous about the February trip. I don't know how it's going to go and how I'll act. I'm not even sure how to behave towards him, especially now that I'm thinking I could end up back in the Bay before the year's end. I don't want to tell him that, but maybe it's dumb to be patently dishonest. I'm just so bad with relationships and I don't really understand them. I have so many rock solid friendships and I feel like I know how to be a good friend, but I have no idea how to relate to men. I think I've learned a lot in my time out of college, but now I'm kind of jaded and just have no desire to look for men. I'm half-heartedly online dating, while I still think about TG and what could be between us. I like to think that this is just a phase and it will pass, but it has been such a long time that I'm starting to get concerned. Oh well... we'll see how things go. I have two potential dates lined up and maybe they'll go well. We shall see.

In other news, I bought my first coding book! I'm really trying to take this technology thing seriously. I want to learn more and develop a new skill set. So I'll spend the rest of my 3 day weekend learning and reading and hopefully learning how to code. Yay!

i really don't understand human relationships.

I think if I could ask one question to all the men I've ever known, it would be this: what the hell do you want from me? I seriously can't understand a lot of the interactions I've had with men in my life and they weigh on me on a daily basis.

Last night, around 1:30AM I got a text from TG. "It's going to be a crazy evening, how did this happen. I'm a respectable boy damnit! Sry!" I just don't get it. I thought he was dating someone - I still think he's dating someone - so why doesn't he talk to her? Why doesn't he tell her this shit? I think I need to start setting boundaries around my relationships with men. There are things that are appropriate and there are things that are inappropriate (at least in my schema). I can't figure out if he just thinks we're friends and that this is how friends normally behave. Or maybe he can't let go of our wacky relationship and so he keeps on contacting me to keep it up. I just don't know. It's a struggle, a daily struggle. I think I'm a hell of a lot better about him than I have been in the past, but I honestly think one of these days I'm just going to ask him that question - what the hell do you want from me? That way I can adjust my behavior accordingly.

Then there are the boys that are nice to me and I don't know why. There are certain men in my life that have done some really stellar things for me, who've treated me better than anyone I've dated and yet they have never made any moves on me. I want to know why. When I talk to my guy friends and tell them some of my stories, I hear the same thing - "Duh, of course so-and-so has feelings for you. I wouldn't be that nice to any of my female friends." I don't even know what to believe. Maybe there are guys out there that are that nice. I believe that there are platonic relationships between heterosexual men and women. I'm not one of those people who thinks that every guy who opens a door for you wants to get in your pants, but I also wonder if there's a line. I mean, there are nice gestures and then there are nice gestures. There are some things I think you wouldn't do for anyone that you didn't care about on a certain level.

Anyway, all of this is moot because it's not like any of these men are currently in the same space that I am. I just think about these things when I'm bored or when I get 1am text messages from ex-flames. Oh, the ramblings of a deranged, 24 year old spinster. =)

i really need to start dating again.

Honestly, folks. I think it's time. This has been the longest stretch of my life that I haven't been actively engaged in some sort of flirtation with the opposite sex. Even back in middle and high school, I was always forming crushes, flirting, daydreaming about boys. I never really had much luck with boys in those years, but they were always there. There were boys you liked and boys who liked you and then there were also so many distractions - your friends, schoolwork, drama and gossip. I just feel so unsatisfied with my love life lately that I've totally put it on the back burner, which isn't healthy or helpful at all.

I always thought it would get easier as I got older, but it really hasn't. There were certainly more men in my life, beginning my senior year of college, but things never really went anywhere and everything was always pretty screwed up. I remember back in the day, as a 20 year old virgin, all I really wanted was to have sex, to have someone desire me in a tangible, physical way. Well, I've had sex - numerous times with numerous men - and I still feel empty. I've made so many mistakes - prizing sexual attraction over anything else. I've always wanted to be desired more than loved. I mean, I'm a very confident person when it comes to my personality. I think I'm awesome - I'm free-spirited, up for anything, sarcastically witty, intelligent, and I know how to have a good time. When it comes to the other stuff - being pretty or attractive or sexy - that's where I get hung up. I have far less confidence in my body and my looks, so I tend to spring after men who validate those parts of me and not the other things I bring to the table. It's unhealthy and I'm slowly starting to realize that.

I look at my relationship with TG and I made so many mistakes. I like to drive people away when they get too close or when they don't fit the mold of what I think I want. I can be dismissive and cruel sometimes and I watch myself do it and it's awful. Sometimes it's so painful to be friends with someone you still care very deeply about, but at the same time you don't want to let go of the friendship. I'm always so conflicted about this. Knowing that one day he's going to move on (possibly one day soon) and date someone seriously and I'm going to have to rework how I interact with him and how we treat each other. I'm shooting myself in the foot by not dating anyone at all. I'm torn, though, because I don't want to date someone just so I can be coupled up before someone else is. I want to date because I'm ready to date. It's not a contest; I shouldn't be comparing my life to his or anyone else's. But, I'm human, so of course I do.

Lately, I just want someone to value me as a person. To treat me with the kind of respect that I deserve, to love and adore me. It's hard for me to admit that. To admit that I need that. I don't know why, but I view it as a weakness. I mean, I definitely want the sexual attraction, too. I couldn't deal with not having that. But, now, I want to focus more on someone who finds me captivating than focusing on someone who just wants to get me naked. I think part of the reason I've taken so long to jump back into the dating game (it's been since April, people) is that I want to do it differently. I know I have to do it differently and I'm trying to figure out how. I'm starting to feel old and I'm starting to hear that clock ticking. It's a scary feeling. I just know that I need to at least start paying some kind of attention to men or I'm going to end up apathetic and alone.

how long does it take to get over someone?

I'm not all that experienced with relationships. I'm not good at them at all and they are incredibly hard for me. I've slept with and hooked up with a decent amount of boys, but my only "relationships" were a short-lived middle school boyfriend, a very short-term high school thing, and then TG in California. With TG, I go through so many cycles and I'm wondering if it's normal. I've gotten over him and then fallen right back into like with him 6 months later. It's this crazy roller coaster and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

I basically told myself that my last trip to SF was it. That I would be cutting ties with him since I wouldn't be back until April 2010. However, that doesn't seem to be happening. We talk pretty frequently - he's always pinging me and sending me links and videos. Then I texted him the other night while drinking and we got into this whole long dirty text message saga. Last night, I was bored and so he kept me company even though he was trying to code for his new project. Sometimes he can say the sweetest things to me and it just makes me smile. I like how he always makes me laugh and how he tries to get me to be less angry and moody. He wants to come to NYC in January, after New Years, for a week. He'd probably stay with me, assuming we're both still single and into each other.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with this kid. There's history and attachment and all that, but why? Do I really like him? Does he really like me? Or are we just two lonely people finding comfort in one another? I suppose one could ask that question about any relationship. I just never know with him because we've gone through so much shit together. It took me a long time to really have feelings for him and then when I did, he was afraid of me. And yet, when I look at all of his actions and the way he treats me when we're together, I have to believe he feels something. I'm just not sure what it is that he feels. Being 3,000 miles away doesn't make me want to ask.

Maybe I should just get over it.

maybe it is possible to be friends?

Lately, TG and I have been having long conversations about important things, which I think is good for us. I think that it's the next step in my whole 'getting over him while also trying to create a friendship' thing. I'm actually quite fascinated by the simplicity of his take on relationships and being friends with people you've dated. I mean, granted, I'm not in his head so I don't know if he gets jealous or what his deal is when he sees his exes with other people, but it strikes me that he's perfectly natural about it. He has this whole 'if it didn't work out, it didn't work out' thing. He's also not quite as emotional as I am, so that probably makes him a bit more grounded.

I guess it's just a process - being friends with someone you still care about. I'm pretty much just trying to direct my feelings toward him into the realm of friendship territory. I don't think we belong together, especially not now and it's not like I think he's the love of my life or anything, so I just have to keep that in mind and not let other factors (i.e. sex, intimacy, the fact that we know each other well) cloud things. I will never understand how relationships can be so complicated. I have a bunch of straight male friends whom I've never had the slightest feelings for, then I have others that I've wondered about and thought about seriously, but ultimately decided not to go for for one reason or another. I just don't get how I can be so rational in those situations and then so irrational in this one. Maybe it is the introduction of sex. Sex is a notorious complicator, especially repeat performances. I mean, I certainly have had one night stands that I don't give a shit about, but I fel like everytime you sleep with someone it forms another bond with them.

TG and I talked about our current situations. He even mentioned a girl he was seeing that's getting on his nerves, as well as his crazy night out last night that led to him making out with two forty year-olds on the dancefloor. Oddly enough, I wasn't the least bit perturbed by it (most likely because none of it sounded that positive), but I think it's good that we're getting to a place where we can have those discussions. I told him about Music Man's crazy e-mail/friend request and my own swearing off of men. "Wait - when did I come visit?" he asked, when I told him that I'd made that vow in April. I told him that he didn't count because I'm only giving up sleeping with men that don't give a shit about me. He said that was probably a good policy.

I'm still a little nervous about October, but I'm slowly detaching. Curbing the urge to stalk and obsess about his whereabouts. I mean, we're all going to move on eventually - I need to be conscious of that and recognize it. I just know that we're not done with our friendship yet and I don't want to be. Wow, I'm actually being mature about things. How about that?

More updates on Music Man tomorrow...

status check.

Yesterday pretty much sucked. Sometimes I'm truly surprised at how angry I can get when it comes to men. I don't even know where all of that emotion came from. I guess I have to learn not to put all my eggs in one basket. I just hate when you think something is going really well and then all of a sudden, you realize it's not what you thought. I'm under no delusions - I don't expect a relationship to be easy or simple, but there are some basic things that shouldn't be an issue. Interest, for me, is one of those. So is being true to your word. If you say you're going to do something, do it, and if you're not interested, just say that. I can't take uncertainty.

I also question the integrity of someone who puts themselves out there - joining a dating site and all - and then seems to have no interest in being in a relationship. Really? Really?! From now on, I feel like that's going to be my first question should I decide to dip my toe back in that pool. I want to know if these men are interested in having a real, lasting connection. After years of being wishy-washy, I can't do it anymore. I really do want more than that and I think I deserve more than that.

What I really think I need to do is to take some time and focus on my life, instead of funneling all of this energy into men. I want to start focusing on improving my body, my mind, my job, and my life in New York. I've joined some meetup groups and I'm hoping to meet some new people, all while nurturing the friendships I currently have. I think this is the best plan for me right now. I don't want to completely shut men out, but I need to decide on a game plan for if and when I am interested in getting back out there.

update on the date.

So last night, the Intellectual came over. I was hella nervous beforehand - I kept on hoping he would cancel, jokingly inviting friends to come over with me, hyperventilation. You know, the usual. He was a bit late because he got lost in my complex, but then he came over. I was all alone in the apartment - I think Roomie was working late or something. I was a little nervous. I wore the same outfit I'd worn when I went out with MM - jeans and my fave short-sleeved blue top. We immediately set about deciding what to eat (I was starving) and picked Chinese from my fave place. I gave him the grand tour of the apartment. He really wanted to see my family, so I showed him some pics my brothers had put up on Facebook. Then the food came and we sat down at the kitchen table and ate it. While I was setting up, Roomie came home, said her hellos and then popped out to go to the gym. She made small-talk with us and a few jokes (omg I love Roomie! haha) and then ran out.

We sat down and ate and talked about race and our upbringing and our friends. He remembers so much about the things I've told him - stories about my friends and boys and all kinds of things. I'm shocked by it sometimes. I feel like I talk too much when I'm with him, but that's because he goads me on to keep talking, talking, talking. I know I should ask him more questions, but I don't. HAHA. After that, we decided on a movie and he suggested we get under the covers of my bed and watch it (hi, scandalous). 

So we started snuggling and watching the movie. After a while, he started putting the moves on me and we ended up hooking up. I stuck with the everything-but game plan. And he's good - really good. Surprisingly good, but I guess he is 28 and experienced and all of that. So after we were both finished, we cuddled and watched the movie. Okay, first of all. His chest is like a frickin WALL. It was incredibly rock hard and solid. He's built like nobody's business. Six-pack abs - check. He even has those pelvic bones. Ya know what I mean - the solid definition around the waist. I really just wanted him to stand naked in my bedroom while I ogled him. That's how hot he is. Second of all, he is definitely the biggest guy I've ever been with. I am totally frightened. We didn't have sex - he hadn't brought any condoms over and I certainly didn't have any that would fit him. I also really didn't want to. So we just hooked up the one time and it was good.

I'm conflicted. The whole time after we hooked up I was just so weird. I felt cold inside. I didn't want to snuggle or cuddle or anything. I didn't want to give off any impression to him that this was more than a sexual thing. I pretty much moved myself away from him and watched the movie and feigned tiredness. I just worry that he may be a little too into this. He kept going on and on about how fascinating he thinks I am, etc etc. I just don't want to hear all of that. He texted me last night saying how fun it was to hang out and saying he hopes I have a nice day today and a good weekend with my friend. Sigh. I have yet to reply.

So this is me. This is the real me. Deathly afraid of male attention and scared shitless of the prospect of a relationship. Being a commitmentphobe is so difficult.

fear of flying.

Before I get started on this entry, I just want to say that I really love my current roommate. I mean, we knew each other back in SF, but we talked very rarely there. Since moving to New York, we've gotten to know each other and she's seriously one of the coolest people I've ever met. We have similar senses of humor and get along really well and some of my closest friends like her as well, so that makes her awesome in my book. Since it's usually just the two of us in the apartment (absent roomie is always, well... absent), we tend to talk a lot. Last night we were both freaking out about dating and men. 

Lately I've been getting really nervous. I know I talk about dating all the time and my constant search for a meaningful relationship and I'm sure half of you think I'm some boy-crazed freak who's obsessed with being with someone. For a while, I even thought that, too. Then came the freakout. So the Intellectual and I have been talking and I feel like it's not just about sex with him (I could be wrong, I could be very wrong). He just seems genuinely interested and sometimes he makes comments about winning me over or whatever. So as I'm walking down the street thinking about it, all of a sudden, I just get so nervous. The thought of him liking me makes me really uncomfortable, moreso than the thought of him wanting to bang me. I mean, I can deal with men who want me in a sexual way - that's easy. But when men want to take things to the next level, I panic. 

Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe I'll never be ready. I honestly don't understand what's wrong with me - my parents have been married for like 30+ years and have been together for longer. My father is a stand-up guy who's always been there for the family. I have no negative feelings about men stemming from abuse or poor relationship choices. Hell, I've been commitment phobic since before I started dating, so I don't know where this comes from. I definitely need to go into therapy - if I ever have time to search for a therapist. 

Everytime I meet anyone that I think I could be serious about, I get so excited about it at first. Then, if they ever reciprocate those feelings I want to run for the hills! I'm serious. The thought of someone I like liking me makes me want to vomit. Literally. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and I just want to fight it, kicking and screaming. I don't know what it is about a relationship that's so terrifying to me. I mean, I don't have problems being committed to one man. I was with TG for like 9 months without sleeping with or hooking up with anyone else. I didn't even look at boys when I was with him. I like the constant sex that being in a relationship would provide. So what is it? Fear of losing my freedom? I know that any man I would choose to like or date wouldn't have any issues with my independence. That would be why I would like him. I don't know what I'm afraid of. It just makes no sense.

ugh. kill me now.

Honestly, I really do think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm 23 years old and I've only had one man show me any interest for more than 5 minutes. And it wasn't even a "real" relationship. I'm not trying to wallow, really I'm not, but I can't help but be discouraged every time I meet someone and things just don't pan out. Since I've been in New York, I've gone out with 5 guys and they've all been disasters. The first one was 38 - which was just a bad idea all around. Excellent man, really lovely - but wayyy too old for me. Then there was New Jersey - god, let's not even talk about that. I'll chalk it up to an exercise in whoredom. The Intellectual followed. Thank GOD I didn't take that any further because he seems like a real piece of work, judging from his random IMs to me lately. Sex-in-the-car guy - do I really need to get into that? And then lastly, MM, who I'm fearing no longer has any interest in me and I cannot for the life of me figure out what went wrong.

I'm freaking out about it. Maybe it's in my head, but I tend to trust my intuition and I just get the feeling that he's over it. We talked last night (I IMmed him) and the convo just seemed kind of lackluster. I mean, we were talking and he was answering questions and there was some of the light banter we have, but it was different. Finally I couldn't deal, so I just made an excuse and signed off. I just don't know what to make of things. Maybe he's busy or distracted (I know he's freaking out about not having a place to sleep for a few nights), but I guess it's just hard to watch someone's interest go from 100 to 0 in such a short span of time. We used to have so much communication between us and things were good and now it's like a halt. Sigh. I just wonder what went wrong or what I did wrong or what's going on. Then, I'm freaking out that maybe I'm being too crazy about this. I mean, maybe it's just the natural progression of things and I should start following the whole 3 Day Rule logic and just sit and wait for him to call. Maybe I'm making mountains our of molehills. Sigh. Can you tell that I've been going insane over all of this? I just feel like I've finally met someone that could be good and then somehow it gets all messed up in such a short span of time. It's like - what do you do when you feel like you just constantly fail? Couple that with my whole existential life crisis and I'm just a nervous wreck.

I need to get a grip. I've decided, as far as MM goes, I'm going to just disappear for two days, see if he contacts me, then try once more, and then give up. Yes, that's the plan.

Awesome.

eureka!

I'm a huge stalker. Seriously. I'm ashamed to even admit to this because it's kind of scary, but I can find out nearly anything about anybody with little more to go on than a first and last name. I'm sure lots of other people have this talent, especially in this internet age, but I have to say that I have more drive and determination than most people I've seen. Maybe it's because I work at an internet search company, but I can make the internet produce wonderful things for me and usually those things have to do with men. Specifically the men I'm dating or am interested in. Yes, I know it's creepy and I need to stop doing it, but last night it totally led me to realize what my issue is. Well, what one of them is - clearly, I have many issues.

So New Jersey, right? Post-hook up we've had two interactions, both initiated by me and both very unfulfilling. So I get the hint that he's not interested. He claimed he'd call/text/IM me sometime this week but I don't believe it. Anyhow, before we met I had to get all the dirt on him. I mean, one of the downsides to online dating is that you never know who's a whackjob and who isn't. So in all my sleuthing I managed to find his blog (yes, I know - I shouldn't have read it, but I did so whatevs). So, last night he was online, but I was ignoring him and he was ignoring me, so I go to read his blog and the entry is pretty much all about how he's a complete and total philanderer (his words, not mine) who basically doesn't want to grow up. All his friends are getting married and settling down, but he's not and he's conflicted about it.

That's when I realize - holy shit! I'm consistently attracted to emotionally unavailable Aquarians with Peter Pan complexes. My ideal man always seems to be slightly aloof, emotionally detached, yet totally smooth with women. Guys who might be called "man whores" and who know how to get women - tons of women! - but have no idea how to have a real, serious relationship. That was the deal with the Banker, and that's the deal with this one. I just don't know what it is that attracts me to them. Maybe it's the fact that for once, I look like the normal one. I'm not the one whose commitment-phobia is holding things back. Maybe I just like the thrill of the chase. I don't know what it is, but I have to get it in my head that these are not the kind of men I should be pursuing. It's a waste of time and energy. 

Basically, after reading that entry it's forced me to be real about the kinds of men I'm trying to get with as well as the potential consequences of continuing my own aloofness. I do not want to be 28 years old, single, and still fucking around with random men.

Goddamn, this week has been a mindfuck.

withholding.

So, at least three times a week (hell, it's probably actually five times a week), college BFF and I have cocktail nights. Yes, she lives in DC and I live in NYC, but we talk on the phone while we have a drink. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of being back on the East Coast - the ability to have these little chats. So last night's talk centered around the pursuit of men. We talked about all the assholes we've screwed and pursued over our lifetimes and why the ideal relationship has been so far out of our grasp. "Is it really as simple as withholding the pussy? Is that the key to a relationship?" she asked me. To be honest, I don't know. Maybe it really is that simple and maybe that's why every relationship I've ever been in or attempted to create has been hopelessly fucked up. I always tend to get sexual before I get intimate. Maybe I need to stop doing that in order to have men take me seriously. However, as BFF so eloquently put it - "I can guarantee you that there are no men out there wondering if a woman will stop taking them seriously if they have sex on the first date." And ladies and gentleman, therein lies my problem.

I have serious issues with gender imbalance. If I even suspect that a man holds some antiquated notion about women and sex, I don't want to be with him. And I refuse to change my behavior in order to get a man to take me seriously. I just don't see why I should have to. I know relationships are about compromise and all, but sex is extremely important to me. Maybe it's because I was a late bloomer, maybe it's because I've been obsessed with sex since I could read, but for whatever reason, sex is a major factor for me with whomever I get involved with. I can't do prudes. Tried it and I failed. I like to get all of that shit out in the open at first, which probably scares men. I mean, one of the things I thought I liked about New Jersey was that he seemed so refreshed by how open I was sexually. However, in the end, it appears that he was either lying or it was too much for him. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just insecure. I've always known that I was intelligent and going places. I've never for a second doubted that my life would be blessed in those respects. I went to a good school, I have a good job, and my brains have rarely failed me. What I'm more insecure about is my body, my capacity to be viewed as a sexual being. So maybe I over-emphasize that too much. For me it's not a matter of how much you respect me, but how much you want to fuck me. Maybe it's time to switch it up a bit.

what the hell happened to me?

I hate Tech Guy. No, he didn't contact me or say something stupid to me. I haven't heard from him in forever. What I hate him for is fundamentally changing who I am. Lately, I've been having this problem. My sex drive is... well, it's drastically decreased. I seem to have little interest in getting off. As a subscriber to the 'every day should contain an orgasm' theory, I'm starting to freak out about my complete lack of desire lately. Instead, I'm craving something far more disturbing. Human contact. Like cudding. And spooning. And kissing. ACK. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

When I first started having sex, I loved the whole lack of emotional attachment to the men I was screwing. I remember one really hot hookup that ended with him holding me in his arms as we went to sleep. All I could think of was "when will this motherfucker fall asleep so I can remove his arm from my shoulder and creep to the very edge of the bed and get a good night's rest?" Now I just want to fall asleep with someone and it's pissing me off. I'm supposed to be the ultimate ice queen, the girl who prefers to keep it simple. Just sex, no strings. I don't want to hear about who you are or what you do, I just want to get down to it and when it's over, I want to disconnect. Pure animal attraction - get your clothes on and get out before we have to have any silly chats or cuddling sessions. Hell, I write a blog entitled "Pillow Talk Is Extra" - I'm not supposed to be craving it.

I don't even know what to do. I mean, my sexual encounter with New Jersey was satisfying, but at the same time, I feel like I'm starting to freak out because I kinda want a little more from him than sex and I don't think I'm going to get it. But at the same time I'm really unsure about what I want from any man. I just want to go back to being the heartless bitch I used to be. The girl who would never say no to sex, but always said no to emotional involvement. This is a serious crisis. I look in the mirror some days and have no idea who this chick is staring back at me. From the tender age of 11, I decided that I was going to trust no one, love no one, and care about nobody but myself. I kind of backed away from that when I made friends that I liked and who cared about me and who I respected. But, I've always, always been that way about men. I trust them about as far as I can throw them. Men can do only one thing for me and that's it. All of a sudden, though, I'm starting to want more from them. And you know what - I don't like it. Not one bit.

3 weeks until Las Vegas. I'm ready to be reckless.

well it was only a matter of time...

So I just found out, as I sit in Starbucks working, that TG is officially in a relationship with Miss Do-Gooder (that's what I call her). I don't know why I'm so upset - I was prepared for this, expected it, knew it was coming. But the facebook confirmation was shocking. I guess I figured I would just stop talking to him and never know if he was with someone else. I'm not sure if it bothers me that he got there first or if I actually did/do have feelings for him. I've had some godawful dreams about him lately and we all know that when I dream about men, it's serious. That's when I know I like a man, when he invades my dreams. But that's not the point - the point is, this is what it feels like when someone moves on and you haven't. When your life seems so devastatingly alone and someone else is happy. 

Am I happy for him? Honestly? No. I'm not. Because I'm petty like that. I do take comfort in the fact that I have my friends who will be there to help me get over this. I know I'll get over this. I know that he wasn't "The One" for me or anything and there were times when I didn't even like him, but then there were times when I did and I'm so goddamned dramatic that everything feels like it's monumental, even when it's not.

I've never been in a real relationship. He was the closest to it and for seven months of living in SF and the following 3 in NYC we were in almost daily communication. And now that's gone away. I haven't really spoken to him since the shocking revelation in SF - just one IM convo (started by me), one text message (sent by him) and then following each other on Twitter/Tumblr. It just sucks because I get his stupid messages on Twitter and read his stupid Tumblr and we're all Facebook friends and whatnot. It makes me hate this age of technology. It makes it hard to ever disconnect from someone. I mean, to defriend him, unfollow him, block him, remove him from my cell phone - all of those are actions that would go noticed. Whatever happened to the good old days when you could just break up with someone and have them disappear into the ether? I've never gone through this before. It's so hard because I feel so lonely sometimes. I don't have any romantic prospects, I haven't been going out much lately. I'm pretty much alone. As far as my social life, I'm just coming into my own in Manhattan and it hasn't been incredibly easy, what with my best friends busy with law school, med school, and a demanding job.

I think I'm going to have a full-scale panic-attack freakout in about t minus 5 seconds. I keep telling myself to breathe, but it's just odd. I don't know how to describe it or wrap my head around it. It's one of those - well, I don't want to be with him, but I don't want him to be with anyone else until I am - kinda things. Which is lame and selfish. But, I guess I've always known I was selfish. Now I can add lame to the list. Maybe it's because there was that time that I wanted to be in a relationship with him and he turned me down. He didn't want to be with me and made it clear. I mean, granted, it took this girl almost a year to get there (they've known each other that long), but nothing I did managed to make that happen. She won. I mean, I know I was horribly awful to him sometimes, and I pushed him away, and I was guarded and everything, but still. Even when I tried to change, he still rejected me.

If I was a man, maybe it wouldn't be so difficult. Maybe it would work out. Because you can be a funny, hypersexual, Ivy League educated, well-rounded woman with an active social life, and you still can't get a man. Not even a man that most of your friends didn't approve of, didn't like, and didn't think was good enough for you.

Well, isn't that nice? So now it's back to square one. God help me...

the art of seduction.

In my boredom, I've been re-reading this book and it's just as good as the first time I read it. There's something that's so sexy and alluring about seduction, especially considering the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am nature of most sexual interactions these days. It's all about the instant gratification - the random hookup at the bar, making out at the club. I mean, I love that shit as much as the next person, but there's something about being seduced (or seducing someone) that's so hot. Yeah, the pace is slower and there's tons of ups and downs, but that makes it that much more pleasurable.

I've never really been able to put into words how my perfect relationship would look or what it would be like, but as I'm reading the book, I realize that seduction is exactly what I want. It's so much fun to go through things slowly, getting to know a person, watching the nature of the relationship change, building up tension. Love it. It makes me wish I lived in a different time, when men worked for it a little bit more, when women made them work for it a little bit more. Yes, seduction is mostly a lot of game-playing and I know I'm not supposed to like that, but I do. It's high-drama, high-tension, and high-stress - which is exactly how I like to live my life.

really strange mood.

I don't even know why I'm writing right now. I don't really have anything particularly noteworthy to talk about. Life is still the same. Cannot wait to get out of my parents' house. Cannot wait to start living a real NYC social life. And I'm also starting to have these weird doubts about life. But I think that's because I'm in a weird mood.

I started looking at LSAT courses today. Because I know that my future lies not in my current career, but in the practice of the law. Entertainment law to be specific. So I'm glad that I'm getting ready to pursue my true calling. I'm in the city I love, now I have to be doing the thing that I love. Pray for me - this application shit seems so long ago, I'm not sure if I know how to do it anymore.

Lately, I've been having these weird thoughts about the single life. It seems like most of the people I know here are in relationships or married or engaged, which can be rough sometimes. But at the same time, I hate having these feelings. I hate not being enough for myself. I think I'm just starting to realize that life is going to quickly turn into two camps: the singles and the not-singles. Which is kind of rough. As people get older and their relationships get more and more important, friendships will fall by the wayside. And so I'll be left alone because I have little to no faith in anyone, not even myself. I know that even if none of my friends change, that I will and in the end it'll just be me. Because I am moody and difficult and I hold grudges and I never forget and I care so much that I have to act like I don't care or else I'll get hurt.

I ask myself every day what I want and I honestly don't know. The idea of being single forever seems less scary every day. I mean, self-reflection and what-not. Plus I fully intend to have two children regardless of whether I'm attached or not. However, I know that that's not my ideal life, but I also don't want to be some simpering ninny chasing after someone who 9 times out of 10 isn't worth it. 

Oh, to be young and bitter. It's a wonderful thing.

this made me laugh.

I was talking to Ace this morning on gChat and this comment totally had me cracking up.

me: oh?
haha that's awesome
i got nothing done.
but i went to dinner with TG and helped him do some moving.
so that was fun
Ace: aw, nice
were y'all at peace?
me: yeah, it was actually really nice.
he wants to come visit me in NYC in june
Ace: wow
wow, CJ
this sounds like devotion betwixt you two
i mean
not to speak taboo words

Too funny. I love how commitment-phobic I am sometimes.

So yeah, last night I hung out with TG and honestly, it was a lot of fun. It was the first time that I'd ever just had this impulse to call him and so I did and asked him if he wanted to do dinner, which he did. So we went to IHOP since I was craving it. It felt really relationshippy. We were going to head our separate ways post-dinner, but I think I looked really sad about it so he told me I could come over for a little bit.

So I helped him move some stuff, and then sat around while he cleaned his room. Obvs, I just wanted to hook up, but again, you know the deal between us - I'm the absolute horndog and he has the more reasonable sex drive. He was pretty much resisting it (I think he thought I'd automatically want to sleep over since I fell asleep there last time, and I know he wanted to be productive), so he offered me a backrub and then following that, he tried to kick me out. But I'm a girl, and I can find ways to be convincing. So I got my way and he let me stay for a little while and we finally started sleeping together again. Thank the Lord! It's just really funny how things are coming together as I'm getting ready to move. C'est la vie. But, I'm happy. Yay!