life philosophy.

Every so often, I like to do dorky things that require introspection and self-examination because I kind of enjoy that crap =) I stumbled upon an article by Justine Musk about writing your own personal statement, something that lays out your life purpose. I thought it sounded like a really interesting thing to do and it's something I'm constantly trying to figure out - what is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I passionate about? The basic format is completing this sentence, "I exist to serve by ______ing __________." It took me some time, but I think I found my sentence.

I exist to serve by cultivating authenticity. 

I really just want to be authentic in everything that I do. I spent a lot of my early life denying myself the right to do as I pleased. I tried to fit into some box of who I should be and I beat myself up about not feeling normal. Now, I just want to keep it real. I want to live in such a way that when I die, I know that I followed my instincts and my impulses and I was just myself. I'm trying not to be ashamed of the choices I make and the feelings I have. I'm trying to honor myself in all that I do without justifying my likes/dislikes to anyone. I love dorky history specials and musicals and dancing around my apartment. I love smiling and being happy and trying to see the best in everything. I love being contradictory - wildly sexual one year, chaste and celibate the next. I enjoy being ridiculous sometimes and I never want to hide those bits of myself because I tried that once before and it was miserable.

For shits and giggles, I also made a list of my top 10 values. These are the things that are most important to me.

• balance
• community
• creativity
• freedom
• knowledge
• love
• openness
• passion
• self-actualization
• truth

So there is my nerdy little moment of self-reflection =)

maybe i do like nature.

I love talking about how much I hate the environment and nature. I grew up viewing Manhattan as the best city/place on earth - land of lights, concrete, and very little greenery. I hate bugs and getting dirty. Even though I grew up with 3 brothers, I'm still a bit of a priss, which makes the thought of spending time in the great outdoors sound like hell. Even though my parents met as camp counselors and did a fair amount of backpacking and camping in the early stages of their relationship, they knew what kind of daughter they had and kept me inside. I won't even rake leaves or help in the garden. For a long time, I wouldn't keep plants in my house because I was convinced they are nothing but homes for creepy crawlies.

Living in Northern California has been a bit of an adjustment, but slowly the ways of these Bay Area folk have seeped into my life. I get confused when I'm back at home and the Panera doesn't have a compost bin. I don't bat an eye when I see someone naked in the street. I've grown accustomed to the scent of marijuana wafting down my street at all hours of the day or night. The one thing I hadn't really embraced was all of this hiking and camping shit that seems to be so common here. I pretty much viewed it as your typical liberal, hippie dippie shit - Stuff White People Like. Then, I went to Yosemite and fell in love and now all I want to do is hike. I bought Backpacker Magazine, ya'll! I bet you didn't even know there was a Backpacker Magazine. I'm planning a day hike to Muir Woods in December and I really cannot wait to explore the great outdoors on foot. I've always been a walker (another NY thing - I love to walk anywhere), but I guess I never understood that hiking was just like walking around, but with nature and shit. I like it. Anyhow, here are my favorite photos from our little excursion. Can't wait for more hiking adventures in 2013!

heading home!

I cannot wait to get back to San Francisco! That's pretty much how I know that I actually love that city, because it really does feel like home to me. After a week here on Long Island/NYC, I am so ready to be back in the Bay. The high for today is 70 degrees, which sounds glorious. I'm hoping that leaving on Saturday will make the holiday travel just a little bit more bearable. I was happy to get to spend time with my friends and I got to see 5 movies (Lincoln, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Skyfall, Silver Linings Playbook, and Life of Pi), which may be a record for me. I need to start making more time in SF to go to the movies; it used to be one of my favorite things to do. I'm kind of sad that I didn't get to spend more family time. My father had to work mandatory 12 hour shifts each day I was home due to Hurricane Sandy (including Thanksgiving) so I didn't really get to see him much at all. Oh well, I guess Christmas is another time.

I'm also looking forward to going back to a drama-free place. I don't know what it is about being back in your childhood hometown, but it's just like all this randomness stirs up - both at home and with friends. I think I'm secretly - well, maybe not so secretly - annoyed with one of my childhood friends and I hate feeling that way. I would rather just ignore it and go about my business, but because I'm not completely heartless I feel sad about it and wish I wasn't still holding on to shit, but I am. That's the crappy thing about being someone who doesn't like confrontation - it often means your feelings get trampled at the expense of other people's. I also feel guilty even when I shouldn't be and yet, I don't really have the desire to make a big fuss about it, which means nothing ever changes. I just don't like being negative or getting upset with people. In general, I've been trying to eradicate drama from my life and I think I've done a fairly good job. I've cut out friends I don't like and I've created this awesome space in SF where I feel completely comfortable. So I don't enjoy this little momentary friction I'm experiencing.

Anyway, I need to figure out my life for today. I should leave for the airport in 3 hours, so I need to finish cleaning up, packing, doing laundry, and hopefully a quick run on the treadmill.

More plane blogging to follow!

on celibacy.

I believe I can officially call myself celibate at this point - I haven't had sex since late-March, so that puts me at about 8 months. I've also turned down sex in that period, so that makes it just a little more real for me. It's different from other times that I've "sworn myself to celibacy" - I've kind of just fallen into it and now that I'm here, I'm learning a little bit more about how I relate to sex and how I need to change some of my patterns.

I always thought that if I went this long (and this is the longest I've gone since the 21 years it took me to lose my virginity) that I would go mad - completely sex-crazed and willing to sleep with anyone or anything. Oddly enough, the exact opposite has happened and instead I've started thinking critically about my sexual decisions and being wayyy more picky. My sexual history is a bit wonky, but there are probably folks out there who can relate. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence thinking of sex as something that was insanely personal and not really shared with other people. I've always LOVED boys - I've had crushes for as long as I can remember, but whenever someone came close to acting on them, I ran. Boys at camp would holler at me and I would run away. My first real "boyfriend" in high school lasted a week because I got scared and decided I wanted everything to revert back to us just being friends. I've never been a prude person - I was obsessed with sex and porn and masturbation since I was in elementary school - but I guess I just never wanted to share that piece of myself with anyone.

Then came college and the pressure to hook up and lose my virginity. I never really saw myself as sexually desirable before that point. I was just a nerdy, quirky girl. I had major issues with my self-image growing up (I still have a lot of issues with it), but as a kid I got teased for all the things that I now love about myself. I had big lips, so boys made fun of me. I was tall and thin (sometimes I really miss being thin), so I got teased about that. I have ridiculously high self-esteem when it comes to my personality. I think I'm pretty fucking awesome and fairly interesting, but I have major issues when it comes to how I look, which didn't help once I gained more weight. I remember talking to the guy I would eventually lose my virginity to and he was asking me about my college hookups. I was just shocked that he thought I was attractive enough that someone would be hooking up with me! Especially since he was good-looking and girls absolutely went ape shit over him. Once I got over my insecurities and had sex for the first time, I was then determined to master it. Books, articles, watching porn, etc - you name a sexual act, I've researched it and learned as much as I could to be able to do it. I figured if I was starting late, I needed to make up for lost time. I found a lot of worth in that - I loved being good at something and I'm definitely a submissive, giving type. I like to please the men I sleep with - it's really important to me and I've never really asked for much in return. Plus it felt like another way to make up for the deficiencies I see in myself.

I went a little crazy with hooking up in the ensuing years - there were random hookups in abandoned buildings and public parks; I slept with men I didn't even want to sleep with just to have blog material. I made a lot of stupid choices (thank Jesus I'm still alive and not chopped up into little pieces), but it was what I needed to go through. I've never been ashamed of my sexuality, but I certainly recognize that I could've been a little smarter about it. I've toned it down over the past couple of years, but now that I'm not having sex, I'm starting to see that there are a lot of patterns in my past that I don't want to repeat. Sometimes I think women with self-esteem issues go crazy with sex because they think it's the only thing that's worthwhile about them. I think I use sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy. I am not a very affectionate person and I can be cold, but sex is a way to be close without having to engage with the emotional stuff that makes me uncomfortable. It's a way of letting someone get close to me, but superficially and it's just easier. I mean, let's face it - finding a dude to sleep with you is a hell of a lot easier than finding someone who wants to deal with the emotional baggage that relationships entail. It's also a hell of a lot easier than opening yourself up emotionally to someone and letting them see all the shit you work so hard to hide from everyone.

So for the time being, I'm just not interested in sleeping with someone that doesn't mean anything to me. The next time I have sex, I want it to be meaningful. I'm not saying I want the next man I sleep with to be my future husband (although, that would be really fucking amazing), but I just don't want to have sex with someone to validate my attractiveness or to stave off boredom or do it just to say I did it. I want to be genuinely attracted to the person in some way, so I'm going with my gut. Lately, it's been telling me not to accept any offers of sex that I've gotten (and a couple of them have been with good, solid guys). As a woman in my late-20s (Jesus, I hate saying that) who wants to get married, it gets a lot harder to just fuck someone and walk away. When I was 21 or 23, it was easier, but now I feel like there are always feelings bound up in it. Knowing that, I just want to be careful with who I'm sleeping with and I want to make sure that I'm choosing the right partners and doing it for the right reasons. Sometimes I fear I'll lose my skills, but let's face it - giving a really good blow job is not going to get you married. If it did, I'd have more marriages than Elizabeth Taylor. So I will continue to keep it in my pants and try to avoid old patterns. I have a feeling it'll save me some hurt feelings and tearful evenings.

thanksgiving.

My mind will not stop racing - it keeps going at a million miles per hour. I'm thinking about a lot of different things - the state of my life right now, what my job is going to look like for the next couple of months, how I can be a happier and healthier person. SO MANY THOUGHTS. Lately, though, one thought has been extremely terrifying to me. I want to grow up. There, I admitted it. For the first time in my life, I have an interest in actually being a functional grown-up. As much fun as it is being a total hot mess (and I'm not going to lie, it can be really fucking fun sometimes), I think I need to start moving along the path to adulthood.

The thought first crossed my mind when I heard about this potential windfall I could receive. I can't really talk about it and it may end up being like $29.95 when all is said and done, but when I heard I could actually receive some real money, the first thought I had was that I wanted to buy my own home. I've always wanted that, but I viewed it as something that would come really far down the line. Now I'm not so sure I want to wait that long if I don't have to. Even if I don't end up getting this money, it would be worth scrimping and saving to have something that is my own. I'm getting a raise at work soon, so that will give me some more money to play with and that, along with a bonus and the potential new money, could really give me a decent amount for a down payment.

My whole life I've been waiting for some sign that THIS IS IT. YOU ARE AN ADULT. And it hasn't really come. Yeah, I have a good job, pay all my bills, and life a pretty independent life, but inside I don't feel like I'm truly a grown-up. It feels like make believe or pretend. I don't know what I'm holding out for - a serious relationship, marriage, a new career. Whatever it is, it's silly and I don't feel like waiting for my life to start anymore. If I want something, I should just take it. I can't wait for things that might never materialize - I need to trust where my soul is pulling me. I just want to forge ahead and follow this image I have in my mind of what I want my life to look like. Right now, that image is saying - a home, a pet, and learning to be even more independent than I already am. Taking care of myself - mind, body, and soul. Not caring about what other people think and instead trusting my feelings and letting them guide me. This whole new development has been really telling about what I actually want compared to what I think I want.

I'm thankful that these little epiphanies continue to hit me every day and that I feel the motivation to make them a reality.

forgive me readers, for i have sinned...

... it's been 12 days since my last post! Holy shit! I have so much to update about, but I'm just really enjoying being lazy. Although, I've realized that I haven't been eating healthily or working out, which means I need to get my ass in gear. Holidays are so tough. I guess I'll just have to beat my body into submission over the next week before my return to San Francisco. Since I don't feel like writing a long entry right now (I actually may go to bed before 3am! It's a miracle), here are some basic things going on with me.

1. I love hiking. I want to do it all the time. Yosemite was AMAZING. Photos to follow, but I really did love it.
2. I turned down sex again. What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to be fun single girl again? I don't know. For whatever reason, I'm clinging to my celibacy like a life raft. No clue why.
3. I might get a weave! Holy shit! Just waiting for my hair to be delivered.
4. I have been far too social and now I want to retreat back into my shell. Holla, introverts!
5. I just found out that it's possible that I'll be coming into a significant amount of money very quickly. I'm considering buying a house or a car or both. More on that later...

So that's what's up with me. More tomorrow, I promise!

sorority weekend!

I'm really excited about this weekend - two of my sorority sisters (including College BFF) are coming to visit! Our plan is to go to Yosemite, where we've rented a house and will hike and do nature-type things, while also (hopefully) drinking and chatting and catching up. I'm really excited to have a little bit of Brown University here in SF. I miss that aspect of my life and I love love love all the vast majority of my sorority sisters. It will be a lot of fun to catch up with them and just have a good time. Some girlish fun - and hopefully some kind of shenanigans. Although, I don't know what we could really get into in the middle of the woods, but we'll see.

I'm also really happy to finally see some more of Northern California. I've been trying to be more active lately, and while 3x a week with my trainer is a good way to do it, I think I need to find some form of exercise that isn't in the gym. So, killing two birds with one stone - friends and fitness. Yay! Immediately after Yosemite, I head to New York, which is a clusterfuck right now. We've got the aftermath of Sandy and then this new Nor'Easter, Athena. Sidenote: when did we start naming every damn storm out there? Seems odd to me. Anyway, who knows what condition the state will be in. As much as I love New York, I'm dreading leaving the mild weather of SF behind. I am excited to see my family and friends, though. I plan on seeing every movie in the theaters during my 2 weeks there (omg so excited for Lincoln). And eating bagels. Yay!

Anyhow, it's 11pm and I haven't eaten dinner yet - time to get on that!

happy election day!

I didn't want to post about the election, but it seems kind of crazy not to. I slept in this morning and went down to my local polling station. This was my first year voting as a California resident and it felt really exciting! This place feels like home to me and I'm really happy that I bit the bullet and got my residency. I also love the feeling of going to the booth, filling out the ballot, and supporting the electoral process. As a woman of color, I feel a strong sense of obligation to vote and have my voice heard, considering all of the people who died so that I could have that right.

I'm terrified about the outcome, of course. Anyone who's read even one post on this blog probably knows where my politics lie. I'm a dirty liberal hippie who loves gay people, comprehensive sex education, and believes that rape is a terrible thing, not a "gift from God", so this election it feels like everything is at stake. I'll be spending the rest of the evening drinking with my friends and watching the returns come in. No matter what your politics are, I hope everyone who is eligible got out there and exercised their civic duty!

Tomorrow is going to be interesting...

weekend shenanigans.

This was a pretty good weekend, considering I was social both days - you know how I normally hate that. Saturday, I helped host the sex ed 40th anniversary party. I really love working on events - I *love* being onsite. It's probably my favorite part of the process - running around, setting things up, meeting all the staff. I want to do this forever. Not necessarily in the way that I'm currently doing it, but events are pretty much it for me. It's where I want to be.

So, the party. I decided I wanted to switch it up a bit, so I went for a long bouncy wig and a tight black dress. There were a lot of really... erm, interesting people at the party. I was sitting down, enjoying a rare moment of downtime, when this rando old dude came up to me and started talking about randomness. He started off with relationships and friendships and his new concept of a 'frover' - part friend, part lover. Then, he started telling me about history and slavery (this was a white dude, of course) and injustice. I was polite, but in my head I kept screaming SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME. At the end of his little slavery talk, he then was like "You look really tense. I can totally give you a massage." When I was like FUCK NO (in nicer words, of course), he was like, "I didn't mean sexually. I can just help get rid of your knots." Then he refused to leave until I headed out. Awkies. At least he didn't ask for my phone number or anything. Seriously, ya'll #foreveralone. All these weirdos. Also, I doubt any white men are reading this, but if you are - if you want to hit on a black girl, please for the love of Jesus, do not bring up slavery in your opener. Just don't!

I ducked out of the party to hit up a friend's birthday at Butter. I love Butter - so delightfully trashy. I had a bunch of jello shots and a drink, hung out with my work girls, and then bounced. When I got back to the sex party, I was super bored (I don't really know anyone), so I drank a ton of alcohol and got shitfaced drunk. Late night taqueria followed... I'm currently still a little hungover, even though it's almost 11pm. I have trainer in the morning and I'm not looking forward to it. A wave of tiredness just hit me, but I have to twist my hair and eat something before I go to sleep. Alcohol is a hell of a drug.

random thoughts on a friday.

I love going out drinking early on a Friday and being home before dark. It's just such a nice way to kick off the weekend. Lots of random shit is floating around in my head.

I am starving right now, but trying to find the motivation to get up. I would also love to do a body series on this blog. So many issues that I'm having with my body and dieting and exercise right now. Super personal, though...

Thinking about wearing a wig to the parties tomorrow. I love being black because I have so many hair options.

I've never been to a sex party. Maybe I should just go to check it out. I felt incredibly vanilla at my last sex ed board meeting because I have never done anything like that before. At the same time, I think I would be horribly awkward at a sex party. And probably afterwards, too.

I've decided I don't want to plan anything for free ever. It's so much hassle... I don't care how selfish that makes me.

Sometimes I feel like everyone else's life is moving forward and mine is standing still. 

And now back to copious amounts of television!

overextended.

I have too many things going on in my life right now and I really feel like something has got to give. I declared 2012 the year of Love (the verdict is out on how well I did with that, and I'm not even just talking about romantic love), but for 2013 I want to declare it the year of Selfishness. I have been giving a lot of time to various organizations, as well as my job and my friends/relationships. While I certainly want to continue to support my friends, there are certain relationships I could care less about and I want to change up my dating techniques.

The past year, I've been volunteering for a sex education organization that I love. They are amazing people and do amazing things, but I don't think my role in it is really doing much for me as a sex educator. I'm mostly doing a lot of event planning and while I love doing that, it's really difficult to get up the motivation to do something that you already get paid to do. I'd really like to focus on finding a way to actually teach sex ed, whether at this organization or coming up with my own project. Then, there's my job. I really do like my job - I get to do a lot of really cool shit and I actually enjoy my schedule. Sure, you're "on call" 24/7, but when it's quiet, like it is now - I can basically check out. However, I do spend a lot of time busting my ass for and at these events and I wonder what it's really in service of. If I'm going to work hard and spend days, nights, and weekends traveling (and sometimes on short notice), I would rather do it for a company with my name on the door. I'm really going to start fleshing out this wedding planning business idea (a friend sent me another posting) and I'm going to figure out what I need to do to make that a reality.

Now, all I have to do is get through this party I'm planning this weekend for the sex org and I can fucking relax. At least for a little bit. Can't wait!