argh, too many thoughts!

I really want to write a super-coherent, amazingly analytical post that will blow your mind, but I just have so many things running through my head. Despite my sadness over things with POP, I'm having a pretty fucking awesome weekend, which I will definitely post about later (names will be changed to protect the not-so-innocent). I'm really feeling at home and safe in San Francisco - I feel like This Is It. This is where I'm meant to be and I'm enjoying that certainty. I'm actually ridiculously happy here, despite my fucked up love life and my recent nagging doubts about my career, all topics I will be sure to discuss over the coming week, if I have any time away from my event.

As far as POP is concerned, I've cooled down a bit thanks to the advice of some friends. My best friend made me cry (and I'm tearing up right now when I think about it) due to all of her love and support of my ridiculous craziness. Seriously, girlfriend deserves a medal for dealing with my shit. If you guys think I'm vulnerable in this space, you have no idea. She's seen every single ugly side of me and still wants to be my friend. I'm just so happy that we found each other and that finally, after a childhood full of brothers and a ton of male friends, I have a true sister. I may never know what it feels like to love a man, but I've learned a lot about love from my friends.

One of the things I've learned about myself since seeing a therapist is that I am a grade-A control freak. The crazy thing is, I've always thought that I was the most introspective person on the planet and that I knew myself better than most people do, and yet something so glaringly obvious was totally unclear to me for so long. I viewed my lists and schedules as a way to organize my life, without necessarily realizing that it was my way of keeping a iron fist over everything. I need to cede control and just live. I need to allow for the possibility of ambiguity and uncertainty. I need to trust in other people and give them the chance to show me who they are without typecasting them. I need to allow people to make mistakes - to allow myself to make mistakes. I can be so rigid sometimes that I really need to let go and just be. No agenda, no list, no plan, no schedule. You have no idea how difficult that is for me to do, but it's necessary if I ever really want to grow.

reinvigorated.

I think that my trip to Arizona really helped me get a little more focus and clarity on some things I need to change. It was a great trip - the resort was amazingly baller (the Obamas and Jay-Z/Beyonce have stayed there) and we had a really great time touring the grounds. I got a sense for what the event will look like and I feel like I'm learning more and more about event planning each day. I'm still working through my insecurities, but I feel like experiences like this will only help me to overcome them quicker.

After working on my big event last month, I just kind of fell apart at the end. I was so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted that I could barely function and so I got super lazy at work. Now, I'm feeling more motivated to get my shit together and focus on making myself an invaluable member of the team. I want to be more creative, I want to learn more about marketing and events, and I want to help out as many teammates as I can. That way, I can learn from them and grow, all while giving them a chance to see my work. I have a few new projects now that I'm working on heavily and I want to focus on them and really make the most of it. Every day I should learn at least 2 or 3 new things.

I am really unhappy about my body right now. I want to lose weight and get more fit, but I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying this cleanse and I just hate it. I have my first workout today while being on it and I also have my period. I know I'm just going to be hungry and irritable all the time and may even pass out. I'm going to have to try something new. I think I'm that kind of girl who is never going to be able to say no to food. It's just not who I am. I like eating and I like eating the kinds of foods I ate as a kid. While I love that SF has exposed me to lots of cool new things (I love quinoa and wheatberries!), I just know that I'm always going to want to eat a cookie or some ice cream. I also know that my body is athletic and loves exercise and if I want to lose weight, that's the path. I would rather work out 3 hours a day than restrict my eating, so if that's what it takes, so be it.

I'm trying to keep things healthy as far as dating is concerned. A lot of my friends are saying I should date around and whatnot, but that's just not who I am. I am really happy just dating one guy at a time and focusing on that. Right now it's POP and I'm excited about our third date this Sunday night. Things are moving along slowly, but I'm happy with the progress and I think we both enjoy spending time together, which is the most important thing. I'm learning not to freak out about every little thing, while also learning to be more upfront about what I want. It's been refreshing.

I want to devote more time to doing the things I like to do, as well as exploring some new interests. I want to dedicate time to writing (by writing, I mean outside of this blog and my personal journal) and I really want to spend more time doing social media things and exploring my love of that world. Lastly, I want to get out more and be more active. Going on hikes, wandering around Golden Gate Park, trying new restaurants and bars. I want to live a full life and really make San Francisco my home. Not to mention that all of these things will help me with my new events/marketing career path.

So that's where my head is at right now - it's a pretty good place. I'm feeling pretty happy about the way things are going for me right now.

sensitivity.

Sensitivity, sensitivity, I'm just loaded with that. Yes, I'm starting my blog entry with a song lyric from Once Upon a Mattress - you all know how I think show tunes solve all. Point is, for someone who tries super hard not to be, sometimes I can be disgustingly sensitive. I care a great deal about what people think about me - not all people, but folks I care about and people I want in my world. I think that's why I freaked out so much about it being difficult to make friends at work, because deep down I want everyone to like me. Especially when we're talking people that I'm spending 60 hours a week with. I find it hard to function when I feel like I'm being judged, especially when that judgment is negative.

So I do what I always do - I freak out about it, obsess over it, and try to mold myself into some sort of super-human. While other people can simply say, "Fuck it." and be done, I'm too sensitive for that and instead I feel hurt and angry, but also mad at myself. For not being able to be perfect and for not always having my shit together, along with being mad that I care so much. I think if people knew all about the petty shit I stress out about, they'd be calling the authorities to pick me up.

Anyway, I'm a huge ball of nerves today. I've been up since 5:30am, cleaning since 6am, and trying to figure out how I'm going to get my hair, nails, feet, and shopping done before my 5pm date. Oh, and that date. I'm super fucking nervous about this date. I just feel so less than right now that I can't even picture myself being interesting tonight. I mean, I know I'm not dull. I am many things, but dull isn't one of them  (quite frankly I could stand to be a bit more dull, lol). I know I need to just calm the fuck down and focus, but I'm ridiculously nervous that I'm not going to be able to carry on a normal conversation. I need a Xanax and a cocktail.

thoughts while drinking.

Last night, I did what I tend to do more frequently than I'd like - I drank a bottle of wine and I got emotional. It was about three-quarters of the way through that I realized that I am lonely. So painfully lonely that it hurts. I'm not alone - not at all - I have friends and I do things. I go out at least three times a week (if not more) and spend a huge chunk of time while I'm at work talking to my cubemate or my friends on gChat. I don't feel alone at all - I just feel lonely, which is infinitely worse (at least to me).

When I get drunk or lonely or bored, I'm always tempted to call The Blexican. It took every ounce of strength in my being not to text him last night. Thank God he wasn't online or else I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I don't think my loneliness stems from lack of a relationship - I think it's deeper than that - but I know that he's there to fall back on and so I cling to that. I have never been loved by a man in my life and it's a strange feeling - a good feeling, but it's marred by my lack of returning the emotion. I just don't understand romantic love - I've never really felt it, so I think The Blexican is weird for loving me. I just don't get why anyone would want to spend any time with me without getting something from it. It's mind-boggling. And so, sometimes when I'm weak, I just want to feel that love from someone and so I talk to him. I never initiate it, but when he messages me, I allow him to lead me to all the places we shouldn't go.

The feelings and emotions that last night stirred up inside me have made me decide that I need to stop drinking alone. It just takes me to a place that I really don't think I need to go. It reminds me of all of the worst parts of myself - all of the demons that live inside me. The painfully shy, insecure five year old. The rebellious middle schooler. The girl that spent a year of her life cutting herself with a razor in order to feel something. The angry girl that doesn't understand why she can't achieve perfection. All of these personalities are inside of me, but I don't like to let them out. I like to present the image I want people to see, but when it's dark outside and I'm alone in my apartment, I drink and they emerge. They cloud my thoughts, reminding me that I will never escape them, no matter how hard I try. I don't like the way that feels.

I don't think I'm an alcoholic (or even close to it), but I don't like the things that happen when I drink by myself. So I'm going to stop and I'm going to try to work on me - my writing, my body, my health, my happiness and try to spend some time remembering what it feels like to be in control of my life. I think I owe it to myself. This weekend will be good for me - a chance to be with familiar faces who share my outlook on life and understand me in a way that few people do. I miss my sisters and I miss sisterhood in general. I never had it growing up (all brothers over here), so when I discovered it in college, it filled a void I didn't even know I had.

I have come so far in this life, as a friend, a lover, and a person, but I have so much further to go. I welcome the challenge and look forward to the journey.

wondering if i'm ready to start dating again.

I thought I was so ready to jump back in the dating pool once I broke things off with The Blexican. I was itching to get back in the game and wow the men with my wit, charm, and DDs. Now, I'm starting to doubt if that's what I really want. Right now, I have a strange inability to gauge my own emotions, which I'm not really used to. On the one hand, there's the sometimes soul-crushing loneliness I feel, but I'm not sure that has to do with the lack of a boyfriend, but more from the lack of social stimulation. I always kind of block myself with my friends because I assume that I'm a burden to everyone and that no one would want to hang out with me. It's this weird hang-up I have, even with friends I've known for years. I really only have a couple of friends that I feel like I can impose upon and not too many of them live in the Bay Area, which leaves me grasping when I just want to do something like grab a quick drink. I know this kind if thing comes with time, but it's rough while I wait for my life to get settled.

Dating always seems like a good distraction to me. A way to get my mind of the things that really bother me. I'm just not sure if that's a healthy reason to put myself out there. Maybe I need to actually focus on other important aspects of my life - like my fitness level, my mind, and my job. I feel like ever since I've graduated from college, I kind of just fall into all of these relationships with men. I don't really feel enthused about any of them, but I go with the flow anyway. I'm starting to think that's a sign that I need to just chill out, stop searching and certainly stop going along with the current when I'm not actively invested. I don't feel like traditional love advice ever really applies to me because I think I'm looking for something fundamentally different from what most people want. Sometimes I can't even put it into words - believe me, I've tried with my therapist and nothing!

So maybe it's time to focus on me for a little bit. Being completely selfish and turning inward. Stop being such an external person. Maybe it would chill me out a little bit - force me to focus on myself and stop worrying about other people's lives and what I should be doing socially and just living for myself.

back to my roots.

I have a few things on my mind right now. Mostly, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of home and where I'm from and what that means to me. I have so many homes that have led me to where I am today. There's Long Island, a place I am fiercely proud of and will always be loyal to. It's the motherland for me, in all senses of the word. I don't think I'll ever live there again, but it's my home, always. I will be a New Yorker until the day I die, cheering on the Yankees, bemoaning the sorry state of pizza and bagels out here on the Left Coast, and daring someone to tell me to stop cursing. Long Island is in my soul. My alma mater is another homeland for me - where I gained my voice, my sexual confidence, and my feminism. It was also the place where I learned about sisterhood. As a girl with three brothers, that was one of the things I didn't know I was missing until I found it. Lastly, my parents' house, a place where I feel so comfortable and supported. I love visiting them and getting pampered by my mother, who likes to cook my favorite dishes, wash my hair (yes, I make my mother wash my hair when I go home. AND WHAT?!), and snark out on everyone and everything. It's fun to shoot the shit with my dad and hear about all of the random stuff he's become interested in while I've been away.

Sometimes I think my obsession with home and belonging stems from the fact that I don't have any biological ties to anything and my life has been about finding love and contentment in a variety of places. People say that blood is thicker than water, but I don't believe that at all. I make fun of my parents all the time and they frustrate me and make me want to scream, but I also think they are the most selfless people I've ever met. To love something that isn't yours, to raise a child that isn't your own, that's a HUGE deal. It takes a big heart and I am grateful every day for them. I have never felt less loved than my parents' biological kids and the fact that I don't even draw that line when I think of my brothers is a testament to my parents' kind spirits. Yet, I'm still super curious about where I come from. I want to know where I get these traits that I don't see in my parents - both physical and mental. I want to know who created me.

So I'm starting the long, arduous process of finding my birth parents. A process made even more arduous by the fact that I can never tell my mother because it would break her heart into pieces. I'm starting slowly, just getting non-identifying info, so I can piece together some picture and then maybe when I'm ready, trying to find out who they are, what they look like, all those nagging questions in my brain. I don't need another parent. The two parents that I have were more wonderful than I could ever have hoped. To be honest, my parents are the only reason I believe in God, not because they are religious, but because I know that the only way a child like me - a black, female bastard child - could end up having such a wonderful childhood with amazing opportunities, would be due to Divine Grace. I know this, but I'm still curious about my origins. I need to know where I come from - it's a basic, fundamental need that I've tried to ignore for so long, but somehow it's gotten the best of me. I just hope I'm not opening up Pandora's Box.

i need to learn how to say no.

I am exhausted. Completely worn out and living in squalor. I cannot have anyone over because my apartment is a pigsty and yet I can't seem to find the time to clean it, because I need time to work, run errands, and be social. I seem to have lost sight of myself in all of this. Tomorrow is looking like an epically awful day - I have to go down to Mountain View for work (a favor to my old team), but have to be back in time for my laundry drop-off. I also wanted to get all pretty for Vegas (nails, feet, brows), but it doesn't look like that's happening. I'll be lucky if I have time to pack.

The Blexican said something to me the other day that made me think. He told me, "I seriously doubt people would stop inviting you to things if you told them no once in a while. You are definitely a cool ass chick and they're happy that you're taking the time to do stuff with them. Say no once in a while. Might find a little more peace."

He is 100% right. I am the queen of wanting to do everything. It's one of the things I love most about myself, but also one of the traits that will end to my downfall. I never want to say no to an invitation from anyone. I want to join every club, go to every dinner party, movie, and game night. I just have issues with turning my close friends down and I fear that if I say no, the invitations will stop. I feel so lonely sometimes and I figure the best way to get around that is to find ways to occupy my time and to surround myself with people. The problem is - I have a ton of shit to do. My job is insane. Seriously insane. It's only going to get worse as I get more events, more responsibility, and more knowledge. I'm going to need to focus more AND I'm also going to need to focus on myself more so I don't go batshit insane. I guess it all stems from my chronic need to fit in and be all things to all people. I love having lots of friends and varied interests, so much so that I run myself ragged in an attempt to please everyone and attend everyone's events. What ends up happening is I burn out, go crazy, and end up ditching things for a week or so in order to get my sanity back. If I just said no in the first place, I'd feel better and wouldn't end up looking crazy when I have a panic attack over my life.

I'm not sure when I'll try and fix this, but it's just something that's been on my mind lately.

i cannot tell a lie.

Sometimes I wish I was not so honest on this blog. It would be nice to have everyone think I'm a well-adjusted, normal twenty-something. Instead, I like to hit you with all of my neuroses and craziness cuz that's just how I am. I'm a little bit more reserved in real life, especially with people I don't know well. Once the floodgates are open, though, there is no turning back. I want the words "when keepin' it real goes wrong" etched on my tombstone because that's honestly how I live. I keep it real even when it's silly/stupid/embarrassing not to.

On my mind today is the ridiculous boy-craziness that has somehow descended on my life. I was chatting with a friend yesterday (names omitted to protect the guilty innocent) and we were both lamenting the state of our non-existent unions when she really got to the heart of what's been bothering me all along. "I wish it didn't matter what men think of me, but it does. Why does our culture do this to us?" Amen. So now that I'm in a bit of a rut, I feel like I'm acting out in order to get the validation I need in the only way I know how - sex. In the past 24 hours, I've leered at every man who's come across my path, reinstated my online dating profile, and had a sexually explicit conversation with an ex.

I may have omitted a few things when discussing my talk with the Blexican. I think he's smarter than I gave him credit for because he hit me where he knew I would respond - below the belt. I have an incredibly warped sense of self-esteem. When it comes to intelligence, social skills, sense of humor, and all-around personality, I think I'm the shit. I can make you love me - I swear! You may not love me immediately, but I know how to work people, know how to read them, know how to adapt to each and every situation. But if you ask me about myself as a woman, my attractiveness, my lack of beauty, that's where all of a sudden, I fall flat. They say that girls who aren't pretty grow personalities to find other ways to get attention. Well, I've taken that a few steps further in making up for what I lack in mainstream beauty by being really, really, really interested in sex. Not even just to the point of being ready to have it whenever, but studying it, the way an actor would to perfect their craft. The Blexican knows this - he knows that the things that make me get excited are opportunities to fulfill certain fantasies or to prove myself in a sexual way. I enjoy sex - I do - but I also view it as a challenge. I don't even have to give a shit about the person at all - I am dead set on making sure whoever I'm sleeping with is having the best possible time, no matter what that takes. So when he propositioned me, he did it in a way he knew would pique my interest and it did. So much so that I'm pretty sure I made a sex date with him on Sunday and I do not know how I lost control that quickly. I want to be a better person than that. I want to realize that I could hurt someone, realize that one day someone will want to screw me again and I shouldn't just jump at the first opportunity I get because I'm feeling lonely or bored or unattractive. Instead, I reacted to the lowest part of myself and allowed it to control my actions. I'm not proud of that, but I'm not going to lie about it either.

"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Matthew 26:41

melancholy.

I'm a little sad this week, for a variety of reasons that will become more apparent as the week goes on. It's crazy how life is a series of highs and lows, often without enough time for you to enjoy the good parts before you come crashing down. I've always been ruled by my moods. They are strong and overwhelming and they engulf me in a way that's indescribable. I can be volatile sometimes - upset and angry and lashing out. Other times, I'm joyously happy and I feel like my heart could burst from all the goodness in my life. Then there are times like now, when I'm a little sad and regretful and wondering why I feel the way I do.

Israel was a great trip for me. It brought a lot of things into perspective and made me think a lot about my life and the choices I've made and the person I want to become. The funny thing was, I barely spent any time really thinking about anything in the moment (which is unlike me). Everything just seemed to become crystal clear by the end of the trip and all of a sudden I knew that I needed to start really thinking about what makes me happy instead of settling for what's easy and available.

I fall into things. I always do. It's a bad habit of mine that doesn't seem to be going away. I have a pattern. I let myself drift, carried by the current of my surroundings, without questioning or caring. And then one day, I stop and look around and wonder when I got so off-course and ended up so far downstream. Then, I do something radical and spontaneous and I actively work on being happy until I lose focus or realize I don't have enough time and then I let myself get carried away again. I don't know if it's bad or not, it just is the way it's always been for me.

The point is - I think I'm entering another period of radical and spontaneous change, which scares me. I feel the most alone during those times. I always feel alone, really. It's something I can never quite shake even though I have a lot of friends and I try to keep up with everyone and there are people that care about me. I know that. It's still hard for me to really believe it, though, and so I wallow in that feeling for a little bit until I can find something or someone to numb that pain. One day I hope to choose the right person for that task. Someone lasting. Until then, I guess it's just me.

seriously stressed out.

Yesterday was not a good day at all. I'm just so tired lately and I feel like I don't have all of the strength I need to get all of my shit done. Between the new job, keeping up with the boyfriend, my friends, and all of my side interests (blogging, reading, tech, feminism, drinking...) I just feel completely overwhelmed. So I did what I usually do - I slept all day and then woke up feeling slightly crappy. I canceled all of my plans and sat around feeling like shit. I kind of just wanted to cry because I feel all of this enormous pressure. Pressure to perform at work, pressure to figure out if I want to be in my relationship, pressure to create a more solid life here.

Sometimes I think I try too hard. That I want too much. I just refuse to believe in any boundaries. I honestly feel in my heart that I can have everything I've ever wanted and that nothing is out of reach. Maybe that's silly, but that's how I see the world. I refuse to settle or stop trying to be happy. And so I end up with nights like last night, where I feel slightly alone and a little bit lost. I like to think it's all worth it. It has been thus far. I'm at a pretty solid place now, despite my perfectionism. From the outside looking in, everything is amazing. I think I just have a predisposition towards unhappiness. I've started to tap into the more creative parts of my personality and I think some of that brings out my troubled-ness. I definitely have a dark side - a propensity towards alcohol and drugs and things that make me feel better in the moment or things that I feel get my creative juices flowing. I make self-destructive decisions sometimes and I'm moody. It's been a while since I've really had an episode, so I guess now is as good a time as any.

So I canceled my plans today and I'm just trying to get my shit in order. Cleaning, working, organizing, planning. These are things that make me feel better when my center of gravity is off. Hopefully tomorrow, all will be well again and I'll have a game plan, a constructive way to figure out everything that's weighing on my mind. I hate being like this, but sometimes putting myself on hermit status is the only way to feel better.

why are 3 day weekends never enough...

I know I should be super productive today, since I spent all weekend dicking around, but instead I'm on my couch watching 30Rock in an oversized sweatshirt after having a glass of wine. It's barely 1:30pm - I should be ashamed of myself, I know! I'm trying to get up the motivation to go to the mall so I can at least say I've been outside, but we'll see how it goes. 
I've been in my head a lot lately, about everything. I can't really think of anything compelling to blog about. I don't want to turn this into the place where I go to nitpick about The Blexican (things are good so far, but every so often something happens that makes me have an allergic reaction to him), so I'm laying off the relationship stuff. I already talked about work and nothing has really changed there. I'm starting to think more about sex and how I want to find a meaningful way to turn my perverted interests into something good - like sex education for inner city students or starting a blog about all those uncomfortable topics that people feel like they can't share with others. Because I'm pretty open about everything I've done sexually, it does make people feel a little more comfortable sharing their own experiences with me and I'd love to turn that into some good. I'm supremely selfish, so I'll never be a true do-gooder, but this could be my one chance to do something positive! Of course, time is an issue, as well as confidentiality, so we'll see how it goes.
I was bad and skipped my sex workshop. I'm still pissed at myself over how flaky I can be at any given time, but I guess I wasn't ready to be quite that open yet. Either that or the SF rain got me down.
I'm thinking about writing again. I miss being creative and I envy my boyfriend so much when he talks about his animations and creative aspirations. I don't really have that outlet. I think I will at work once I really get immersed in events, but for now, my life is pretty cut and dry. Writing could be a way to mix that up and get to exercise a part of myself that I frequently keep locked away. 
Or maybe I'm just slightly tipsy and rambling... 

settling.

I was going to post about something completely different, but I just read something that made me change my mind. I can't remember if I mentioned this, but a while back I got chosen to be a part of the revamp of Our Bodies Ourselves, a book about women's health and sexuality. WEll, the chapter that my words will be in is done and we got a sneak peak of it! We answered a *ton* of questions about our sexual experiences, desires, and insecurities and they picked out a few vignettes to share. I was incredibly struck by one of the three they chose from me - about what I want when it comes to love.

"I want to meet a man that I can fall in love with -- fully and completely. But not because I think he 'completes' me. A man who challenges me to push my boundaries, who nurtures my ambition. A man who has ambition that I can nurture. Someone who will indulge my moods and not be all up in my business 24/7. Someone who understands that I'm already whole and that he's there to nurture that wholeness, to help me grow without welding himself to my side."

I'm not sure I've found that yet and I still so desperately want it. My feelings on love and marriage and relationships have changed so much in the past couple of years - a roller coaster of craziness, but I know that at the end of the day I do want love, marriage, and a family. I just don't want to lose myself within that world. I don't want to grow old and boring and out of touch and consumed by a relationship. I want to do everything I do now, be the person I am now, indulge in the vices I indulge in now, but with a partner who could share some of that with me, but also allow me to be free.

Sometimes I'm tempted to settle. I think that's been the theme of most of my relationship mistakes thus far - settling. Because I know I'm asking a lot from my future soul mate, but at the same time I think I'm totally worth it. I know I'm always talking about how horrible of a person I am and all of my flaws, but deep down I know I'm a good person. I know I'm a *fun* person - likable and all of that. So where these deep-seated feelings of inadequacy come from are beyond me. I always think everyone hates me and that I have no friends. When it comes to love, I'm just terrified that no one will ever want me. I guess I settle sometimes and put up with bullshit because I'm afraid that one day I'll be alone. All the media frenzy about black women dying single and never finding love doesn't exactly help. Sometimes as a black woman I feel incredibly undesirable and ugly. Which I know in my heart is untrue, but sometimes it's easy to feel that way when you don't fit into the mold of womanhood that society says is beautiful. I know I need to rise above it and just trust in God and the Universe that what I want I can get. I've just never been very patient and deep down I don't trust that anyone can ever really love me because I don't know if anyone will ever really see me for the person that I am. That instead they'll love this caricature of a woman that I put out there because it's easier than dealing with the reality of who I really am.

Well, I certainly didn't set out to depress myself when I started writing this... that was not the purpose. Oh well, back to reality television and exercise! Happy weekend, ya'll!

Let me clear my throat, because I think I swallowed a goldfish... survey time!

The Tsaritsa Sez tapped me to complete this survey (and gave me the title for it, which has nothing to do with what I plan on writing) and I'm excited to take it! I love surveys and find they're a great way to add some variety to a blog. Also, you should check out her blog because she's awesome and I love her style! I'm not going to tap anyone by name, but I encourage my readers to take the survey on their own blogs! Okay, here goes!
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1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
This is probably going to make people hate me, but I'm going to go with merely animals. DONTKILLME - I have a caveat. I've never owned a pet that belonged solely to me, so I've never really felt that deep connection. Our family pets just never connected with me. My parents currently have a cat, Gabi, who is a certified bitch. She hates everyone but my mother, so it's hard for me to consider her a member of the family. I love her, but she doesn't love me, so I'm trying not to indulge the abusive relationship. Hopefully, I will one day have a cat that loves me and that I love and then phe will be a member of my family. But it hasn't happened yet.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
I'm torn on this one - I want money, but I also want a career and love. I guess my dream would be to have it all - a full, complete, balanced life.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
Intolerance. I hate intolerant people more than anything else in this world. I just don't understand how people can judge others so harshly on things like race or sexual orientation. People are different and we should embrace those differences and not run away from that. I've always been so fascinated by different cultures that I cannot imagine how anyone could not share that curiosity and respect for others.


4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
I would save most of it and then use the rest to pay off my college debt, get my parents out of debt, buy a swinging bachelorette pad in both SF and NYC, and set aside some cash for when I'm ready to start my own company. Oh, and I would buy a boat! I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget!


5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Music. Usually Broadway show tunes, but I'm also partial to dance songs by Miley, Justin, and Gaga. Whenever I'm really upset, I like to go home to my apartment, put on a pair of booty shorts, pour a glass of whatever alcohol is handy, and dance like a spastic stripper. You should try it sometime =)


6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

For me, it would be loving someone. I sometimes fear that I am incapable of romantic love and I think that the greatest achievement of my life will be loving a man the same way I love my friends and myself. I think that's my challenge for this lifetime - to find that feeling. I honestly think I'll only ever love one man and that's how I'll know when I'm ready to stop looking.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
This depends on how intoxicated I am - haha. If I'm super drunk, usually it involves passing out face first on my bed, fully clothed with the lights on. If I'm semi-drunk or sober, then it involves twisting my hair and wrapping it in a silk scarf, washing my face and brushing my teeth, using the bathroom, turning on Criminal Minds and putting a sleep timer on my television. If I'm up for it, a quick self-induced orgasm. 


8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
I met my boyfriend online. We kind of just clicked over our shared love of Dave Chappelle and dirty humor. Went on a few dates. Finally had sex. Decided we didn't want to see other people and here we are.


9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
I would watch a writer for a day. I'm always curious about how people get their writing ideas and what their rituals are. I've always secretly wished I was a real writer and I'd love to see that process.

10. What kinds of books do you read?
My taste has varied over time. When I was younger, lots of historical fiction, fantasy series (Wheel of Time and Game of Thrones were my faves), and classic fiction. Now, I basically read a lot of books on feminism and gender theory, still keeping up with historical fiction, and biographies. I'm especially partial to anything about prostitution or famous female sex symbols.


12. What’s your fear?
I fear that I'll never be content. That I'll always be searching for something and I'll never find it.


13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Hell no - I don't have any kind of space fetish. I like junk food and it would take a lot more than that to get me to give it up.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
Not going to lie - single and rich for sure. As long as I can still have sex, I'm down. Also, I'd like to say that just because you're not married doesn't mean that you can't have meaningful relationships. 


15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
I hate admitting to this, but checking my email (personal and work), twitter feed, and blog comments. I'm a tech junkie and I sleep with my computer when I'm not sleeping with my boyfriend. Though, I have made him move over so I could fit my laptop in there with us - haha.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
I wish he was more outgoing.


17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Layla or Delilah or Zoe. My children will have at least one of these names.


18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
I mean, the little things I could get over, but something super horrible - I don't think I could. I'm a grudge holder.


19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Hmm, I'm trying to be practical about this, which is rough for me. Parmesan crusted steak on top of a bed of greens. Yeah, protein and greens. I like it. Oh so practical ;-)

can you be happy being happy?

I am really loving my life in San Francisco. It's almost scary how well things have fallen into place. The other day I was in the backseat of a cab, traveling home after a dinner at a friend's place and I just felt so overwhelmingly full of happiness and contentment. Things seem to be working out for me so far - new job, new boyfriend, reconnecting with old friends. I feel like my gamble on moving here has really paid off. However, I've noticed something about myself throughout this whole process. Basically, my happiness hinges on how much control I feel I have over my life. If I don't feel like I put the ball into motion on something, I can't truly love it or embrace it fully. I don't know if that's a positive character trait or a flaw, but I'm the ultimate control freak in that way.

I'm not sure happiness suits me. I'm an incredible worrier and even as happy as I am, I keep thinking about things that need to change or negative thoughts about positive aspects of my life. I look at my relationship and I wonder if I can ever really be happy with someone else. If I can open myself enough to let someone really see me and be with me. I'm a complicated, complex, moody person and I just wonder if I'll ever like anyone enough to want them to stick around. I also have life-ADD like whoa. Symptoms include: Inability to stay in one city for longer than two years, Constant desire for change, Feeling that all things and people are ultimately disposable. It's really pathological how tied to change I am. MB pointed it out to me once - the fact that I tend to always choose the difficult road. Always. Now that I've moved to SF and followed the tough path and seen it pay off, I wonder if I'll stick around long enough to enjoy it. Or if I'll try again, pick the difficult choice and uproot myself - whether mentally, physically, or emotionally.

People are always saying "happiness is a journey, not a destination," but I'm firmly convinced that that's my problem. I'm down for the journey, but when I get to where I'm going, I never want to stop.

i haven't given up yet.

So I'm still seeing The Blexican, but I'm still conflicted. He came over last night and the sex was amazing, as it always is. I have to say, compared to all the men I've slept with, I think the two of us are most on point and in sync. This isn't to say it's the best sex I've ever had (as the emotional part isn't there yet), but he's skilled, attentive, all those things. I enjoy him. I guess that's a plus.

I'm just a little nervous because I think his feelings are way stronger than mine. Like the way he looks at me - it makes me uncomfortable because I know that I'm not feeling quite that strongly yet. Or at all. I don't know when I became this monster or why, but it's really made me think about getting my booty into therapy ASAP. I feel like this level of neuroses and fear about relationships has to stem from some deep-rooted ridiculousness. Then the other half of me wants to challenge that assumption and say that there's nothing wrong with me just because I don't buy into society's image of a perfect life. ARG - frustration. I need to figure this shit out stat or I risk never knowing if I'm just not relationship-inclined or if something else is behind it. For a while, I thought it was maybe because I've been ditched by friends who've started seeing someone, but I know that's not it. While I do have friends who tend to get caught up in their relationships and stop seeing their girlfriends once a boy is in the picture, none of those chicks are inner circle friends. In fact, I'd argue that the girlfriends I made in college became my close friends mainly because of their tendency *not* to do that. My three closest sorority sisters are all people who have similar man issues to me. We're not exactly the same, but we all struggle with relationships and closeness and intimacy. That's why I love them - because when I talk to them, I know they just get it. There's no trying to sway me one way or the other. They just know that this is how I am and they get that I'm trying to work through it. So it's not that... I don't know what it is.

Moving has made me an extremely pensive person. In the course of the two months I've been here, I've been making major changes. I'm currently looking at all aspects of my life and trying to optimize - making sure I have the right people in my life, that I'm doing the work I love, and that I'm putting myself out there in all ways. I know it won't be easy, but I need to just keep working on myself and keep pushing through. I'm sure I'll get to my destination sometime, even if I'm not 100% sure where it is I'm trying to go.

daily horoscope.

I'm obsessed with astrology, psychics, and all things esoteric. I read my horoscope on the daily and take it pretty seriously. I know most people think this is crazy, but it makes me feel better in some way. Some people have religion - I have alcohol and new age weirdness to soothe my troubled soul. Different strokes for different folks. Today my horoscope was so dead on - I almost want to print it out and post it somewhere. Today it reads:

"If someone has made you their second choice - whether in romance, at work, or in a friendship - please don't feel rejected or unappreciated. The person you are dealing with probably prefers another over you simply because you are more independent and less inclined to pamper him or her. The last thing you need right now is a diva who expects you to drop everything each time you are summoned. It's time for you to blaze new trails anyway. Start reaching out for new experiences and unique people, even if the choices are outside of your comfort zone. Greater risk often equals greater satisfaction."

Word.

I totally feel that whole independent thing. I still struggle with it. I've created this life around myself where I don't really need another person to make me feel whole. I have a good job, a million amazing friends who provide me with the love and support I need, a ridiculous family that I adore - it's not like I feel incomplete at all. I think part of the reason why I've never really "found love" is because I don't necessarily need it. Yes, I want a family and a husband and someone to come home to and have regular sex with, but I have so many other things in my life to keep me occupied. For a while, I thought that I needed to change myself, but honestly, I think I just need someone who has the same independent streak in them. I don't want to be anybody's babysitter or cruise ship activity director. I need someone who has their own life and is comfortable with me having mine.

So I'm going to go out, put myself out there and try new things. Hopefully that will help me meet some new people and really branch out. I need to get out of my comfort zone - it's become a little too boring.

wow. california kept me really busy.

I don't think I could get everything I want to talk about into this entry - it would be too long and rambly. Basically, this week in San Francisco was amazing and makes me think that I'm doing the right thing in terms of moving there. I guess I was kind of treating this as a trial run to see if it felt right and it did. There will definitely have to be things that are different - I want to be more extroverted and get involved more and be more social, but I really like the rhythm and order that my life takes on when I'm there.

I saw Tech Guy, of course. It was... interesting. I'll leave it at that. Sex was had and cuddling and long talks. The usual drama, too - he can be so immature and wishy-washy. I don't want to talk about that now, though. I'll save that for tomorrow.

Lately, I've been feeling like it's time to move on, to grow up, and be a stronger person. I think this decision is huge in terms of that. It feels like the first time that I'm making proactive change in my life, instead of just going with the tide. Making a conscious decision to do something for my future. It feels really good. I think I need to use the next 6-7 months to do some planning and make sure I do this the right way.

I had a lot of discussions with MB this week, which was nice. One of the things we talked about was my desire to always pick the difficult choice because I like to make my life harder for some reason. I'm trying to figure out where that desire comes from. It's one of the things I most love and hate about myself. Maybe it's that whole "the sweet is never as sweet without the sour" thing. Either way, I want to start analyzing my actions and telling myself that it's okay to do the simple thing sometimes, if it feels right. Everyone's gotta have goals.

Okay, that's the serious stuff. The sexxy stuff is for tomorrow! =)

i've realized that i'm at my best when distracted.

One of the best things about being at home is that I really do escape all the realities of modern life. I'm on the computer far less, less interest in Twitter and blogging and whatnot. It's nice to just take long naps, watch lots of television, hang out with my family, and go shopping. I think less about what others are doing with their lives and more about what I want to do with mine. It feels healthy. Also, my parents' newfound love of drinking at all hours of the day really jives with my typical lifestyle.

I think one of the biggest challenges I have in the coming year is to focus on me. I'm not very good at that, and I don't mean that I spend all of my time being altruistic and giving. I just spend time thinking about what other people are doing - in positive and negative ways. On one hand, I worry about my friends constantly. When I think they're not living up to their potential, engaging in harmful behavior, or getting involved in destructive relationships, I can barely focus. I really need to just calm down, let people make their own life choices and chill out. I'm sure I do a multitude of shitty things my friends aren't cool with. Hell, I know I do because I've heard some of the smack some of my friends talk about me.

The negative is that I'm always jealous of other people's lives. I don't even know how to explain it and I don't even know if jealous is the right word. I don't wish anyone ill or anything, it's more like all of my friends have qualities that I wish I had. I don't really have any friends who don't have a quality I wish I had in myself. I'm always trying to figure out how to be more like those people I admire. While I think this is a good thing, I also need to think about the developing the qualities I already have and not trying to fit into an impossible mold.

I need to stop thinking that my social life is 'less than' because it doesn't fit some preconceived notion I had of what twenty-something life should be. I'm not really sure what I want to be doing with myself socially - so I need to figure that out and then I can be disappointed when I don't meet it. Instead, I just get upset for no reason, which I know isn't healthy.

So yes, distractions help me forget about being upset. I'm supposed to go back to my apartment tomorrow, so I should probably think about what I can use there to distract me.

quote

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." - unknown

=)

i'm really ready for my vacation.

Work is killing me right now - I'm excited for my 3 day weekend. I'm hoping that going away by myself will be a good thing. Three days in New Hampshire - watching the leaves, farmers markets, staying away from the internet. I rarely have time to just be alone with my own thoughts. I know that sounds creepy, but I think it's what I need right now. Time to think and process. Maybe even do some work on my law school applications.

I'm in this weird in-between phase with everything right now. My job, my love life, my hair. Everything is transitioning and it's really scary sometimes. There are days when I want nothing more than the simple life I had as a kid. I figure the only way to recreate that is to have my own family, but I know that it's not that easy. Being a mother in a family is different than being a child. Yet, I crave some kind of stability. Instead I'm living erratically, but I guess that's what happens in your twenties. At least nowadays. I just have to get used to the uncertainties.