take a breath.

The funeral was rough. It was really rough - the only thing worse than the funeral was the staggering amount of work I returned to, even though I was gone for literally 40 hours. 

Latinos are an emotional people - we just are. So far, I've only been to funerals on the black side of my family and they were pretty low-key. I mean, we told some jokes, reminisced, listened to some speeches, and then called it a day. This funeral, on the Puerto Rican side, was like nothing I've ever witnessed before. I am not a person who is comfortable with emotions - not my own and not other people's. Toss in about a week and a half of getting 4-5 hours of sleep and I was not at my optimal emotional state at all. We got there, and it was like the waterworks from the family just kept flowing from entry until exit. Watching my grandmother cry and sob and drape her body over the casket was the single-most gut-wrenching thing I've ever seen. I do not wish to relive that moment. My uncle did pretty well until the end, but basically everyone was a hot mess. 

My father was his usual stoic, jokey self. Today in therapy, talking about my grandfather really helped me see the parallels between him and my dad. Basically they are the same person. My grandfather was a fun-loving guy - always telling jokes, laughing, being silly. My father is a little quieter, but essentially the same. He is always pretty happy and he never complains. He makes really lame jokes and is friendly and kind and accommodating, much like my papa was. Dad didn't cry (not that I expected him to - my father, like me, is a Virgo, and we are stoic as fuck). Instead he told jokes, we laughed, he explained the Spanish ceremony to us, since my rusty Spanish couldn't help me keep up with the priest. I cried because of the moment and the weight of it and watching everyone else grieve. That was the hardest for me. Seeing others in pain. 

All of this reminded me that love is painful and fleeting. My grandmother spent over 60 years of her life with one man, a man she loved deeply and truly - a man who was devoted to her completely. Watching her cry and hearing her wails and sobs really brought home the power of love and how hard it is to lose someone that means everything to you. While the thought of losing that terrifies me, I still hope that one day I should be so lucky to love someone enough that the loss of them completely undoes me. I pray that my grandmother is able to find peace and love within her family to get her through this time. Lord knows, aging is not easy, especially when you have to do it without your partner.

there is too much to be done.

I am really seriously at my breaking point for stress. I want everyone to just go away for a little bit so I can breathe. I enjoy my job, I really do - but the fact that I can't even GRIEVE when someone in my family has died is a serious problem. The sad thing is, this shit happens ALL THE TIME at my company. I had a friend lose her mother and was still working like a dog while she was sick. It's such bullshit.

Anyway. Finally booked my 24 hours in NY for the funeral. Fun fun fun. Then I come back to running an event. I hate when I stress out like this because I don't want to be bothered with anyone and find it really hard to be social and polite and interested in others. I don't like that feeling - I love being social and polite and catching up with friends on what's going on in their lives. Right now, I could give two shits about anything or anyone that isn't this damn sales conference.

Oh yeah, and I'm up for promotion and haven't done my reviews yet. Awesome. Freaking awesome. They were due on Monday, but my manager only told me she was putting me up on Monday. And I go to bed every night at 10 or 11pm and get up at 4am and immediately start working through til 7pm. Everything sucks. Fuck all.

in which i deal with death.

My grandfather (my father's father) died today. He had an aneurysm over the weekend, so my dad flew down to Orlando to be there. They had him on life support, but he was already far along in his dementia and there was really no likelihood of a recovery, so my father and uncle decided today to pull the plug. He died shortly thereafter. My father was the only one in the room with him.

I don't know how to feel about death, especially when it comes to my non-immediate family. We never had a close relationship with my father's parents. I don't know why. Maybe part of it was they never really approved of my dad marrying a non-Puerto Rican, especially not a Black woman. Maybe it was the language barrier, as none of us (outside of my dad) speak Spanish fluently. Maybe it was distance - they live in Orlando and we lived in New York. I don't know. I have some fond memories of my grandfather, though. He was very funny - he loved to tell crazy off-color jokes and play games with us as children. He always struck me as a very nice, open-hearted, fun-loving man. His marriage to my grandmother seemed rock solid. I worry about how she'll handle this, especially since she's also starting to lose her sanity to dementia.

I'm sad, mostly for my father. This is the first death of a parent he's had to deal with. My mom's parents are both deceased, so she gets it, but he's never experienced this before. I wonder if he regrets not being as close to them as his brothers were. I wonder if he got to say what he wanted to say before he died. I wonder if he replays moments from his childhood, the way I imagine I'll replay moments from my childhood on that terrible day when one of my parents finally ends their time on this earth. My father is a stoic man - I texted him a message of condolence (it was too late to call) and got what was essentially a form letter-style group text back. I'm not surprised; men are usually not taught to display any sign of weakness or emotion, especially not in front of their daughters. Plus my father is much like me, a grim-faced Virgo who would rather die on the inside than to ever betray any signs of unhappiness or stress to the outside world. We would rather crumble inside than crumble outside, even if being open and honest about our pain meant that we'd get comfort and shelter. It's hard to be that person when shit hits the fan, but we cling to that "strength" anyway.

Although I never knew my grandfather in a deep emotional sense, I only have love for him because he created and raised the one person who is my gold standard for everything that a man should be. My father is hands-down one of my favorite people on this earth. He has achieved so much for someone who grew up poor in Manhattan, without even a bedroom (he slept in a closet). He is the kindest, most selfless person I've ever met and works harder than anyone. I am where I am today because my father has worked 24 hour shifts and 7 day weeks when he had to, in order to ensure that I got the education I wanted. He never said no to any summer camp, trip, or program I ever wanted to be a part of and he never complained about the work he did to make it happen. I imagine that a lot of that stems from the example he had from his own father, another hardworking man who did what he needed to do to give his family a better life. I hope he rests in peace and I hope my father is able to find whatever solace he needs to get through this.

in which i finally have sex.

Early morning chat from Vest: "Tell me all. ARE YOU INSPIRED? IS YOUR LIBIDO READY TO DEVOUR THE WORLD?"

DYING. After 362 days of choosing to be celibate, I finally broke my no sex rule on Thursday night with a man who shall be referred to as OJ (if you recall there was TOJ, which stood for The Other J----. OJ is the Original J----. Keep up people!). Homeboy has been trying to get in my pants for round 2 for like ever. He lives in New York, we met at a wedding in Israel, and hooked up in December of 2011. I don't know why, but I've just been in this weird headspace where I couldn't conceive of screwing anyone, so I would be super shady whenever he'd ask to hang out. He's been living in San Jose for the past few months and this was his last week, so he reached out to see if I wanted to get drinks and I finally said yes.

We met up at Tradition and had a couple of drinks and started talking about our lives and work. He's really easy to talk to and I feel very comfortable with him, which is rare for me. I normally am not comfortable with men I've had casual sex with. I'm just immature like that. If you've seen me naked, but we never had an emotional connection, I'm probably going to act like I don't know how to behave socially when we next interact. I still dodge my one-night stands whenever I see them. I'm fucking awkward, I can't help it. Talking about normal shit led to talking about sex shit (as it usually does with me). I told him about all my randomness - bondage classes, etc. He seemed intrigued. Once the check came, he paid, and asked what I was doing for the rest of the night (by this point it was like 11pm) and whether I lived far away. I invited him over, so we took an Uber back to my place.

When we got into the apartment, I didn't even want to pretend that it wasn't about sex. He went to the bathroom and I went into my bedroom. He came out and asked where I was, so I told him I was in my room and he was like "Oh, okay. I just didn't want to be presumptuous." I turned off the lights, took off my shoes and got in my bed. Basically, I wanted to signal that I wanted him to screw me as fast as possible. I mean, it was a work night. I needed to get some sleep. We started rolling around, kissing and whatever. Once it was clear he was ready to go, I threw a condom at him and was like - OK, get to it! Cue penetration, followed by oral sex, followed by like 2 hours of us chatting about randomness. I told him I hadn't had sex for a year - he was like, "Yeah... I wondered about that. You seemed like you were just ready for me to stick it in without any foreplay." HAHA. I guess I wasn't that subtle, but seriously - when you haven't been fucked for a year, you just want to get it done. You're not looking for candlelight and rose petals. At least, I wasn't.

So I've done it. Broken the celibacy. I feel good about it - it was time. It was nice to be touched by a man again. It was kind of sad that it wasn't someone that I had a strong emotional connection to. I still miss TOJ and the sex we had, but I think sleeping with OJ as a great first step to me branching out and getting myself back in the game. I have a goal to have at least one one-night stand in the next two months. I don't really want to have another dry spell like the one I had last year. I want to explore my sexuality this year and really make it an important part of my life. Sure, I'd love a serious partner, but I just don't know when or if that will happen, so in the meantime, might as well focus on (a) getting my needs met and (b) doing all that shit that I wouldn't be able to do if I was in a serious relationship. I am 27 years old. There is no reason for me to live like a cloistered nun. I've been letting my celibacy define me, but Vest made a good point - see chat below:

Me: Wee. I feel weird now, though. No longer celibate. Who will I be now?

Vest: Slutty sexbot Cleo

Slutty sexbot Cleo. I kinda like it =)

worst week of my life!

This has been, hands down, one of the shittiest weeks on record. I'm finally at home in my apartment and so glad to be here, even though my list is long for tonight and I have more work than I think I can handle. Oh, well. This is my life until April 4th.

Basically, my event was AWFUL. I mean, it came together at the end, but all of the crazy AV issues were just terrible. The venue was terrible. We started 30 min late. There was really nothing to be done and for the amount of money that we spent on this - it was really not that great. Sigh. I just want to curl up and sleep for a week, but there is absolutely no time for that.

Then, to top it off, guess who lost her wallet in Austin? THIS GIRL. I wake up this morning at 4:15am to catch my flight and wallet is nowhere to be found. I had to catch the flight with the rest of the team, so I just went to the airport. I convinced them to give me my ticket, but I wanted to check my baggage. Of course, I had no wallet, so I had no money, so that was out. Then, I get to the front of the security line and I'm just like O_o HALP. I had my company photo ID and a checkbook, so they let me through. I had to go through the machine and then an invasive pat down, followed by them swapping every item I had. I ran to the gate and just barely made it on time after gate-checking my bag. My boss lent me $100 so I could get a cab home and have money for the day. She is beyond amazing. Today has been spent at the DMV (two hours) replacing my license, calling all my credit card companies and canceling them, getting a new insurance card, a new CLEAR card, and replacing my Zipcar card. The thing I'm most mad about, though - I was thisclose to getting a free eyebrow threading AND I had a ful book of stamps. Sigh.

Tomorrow has GOT to be a better day.

i love events, but i'm ready to go home.

I just changed my flight to leave on Wednesday at 6am. I cannot wait to get the hell up out of Austin - love the city, but I'm ready to go home. I have 2 weeks before my next event and then 1 week before the biggest event of my life. I'm so nervous and excited and scared! I'm really just ready for my life to return to some semblance of normalcy. I want to date and feel like myself and work out again and just be. I'm hoping I can get away with no work travel until May. That would be spectacular! In all likelihood, this won't happen, but a girl can dream.

This trip has been a lot of fun - I've gotten to connect to one of my coworkers in a way I haven't before and it's always nice to get closer. I know lots of people *coughVestcough* make fun of my relationship with my coworkers, but it's really one of the main things that make this job absolutely amazing. We all love each other and support each other and it feels like a little family. I kind of need that.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big day! I hope the event goes off without a hitch. I'm a little nervous, but I'm a fucking rockstar and I'm going to make this event the best I can. Wish me luck! =)

sxsw, again.

This year's South by Southwest has been much tamer, thank GOD. I have less work to do, so I'm kind of just chilling out. I haven't gone to any sessions, but have hit up a few parties and some of my company events. Some thoughts:

• Last year, I think I gained 20 pounds at SXSW. This year, all the healthy work girls are here so I'm basically eating one meal a day and hoping I might actually *lose* weight
• My event on Tuesday is going to suck so much. Hopefully I don't get fired. Oh, well
• Why don't men wear engagement rings? Or at least openly discuss having fiancees?! It's annoying to find that shit out on Facebook
• I slept for 12 hours yesterday and then had a 2 hour nap. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I'm dying out here
• I might have sex on Thursday and I'm nervous about it. I feel like I'm losing my virginity, although I'm hoping I'm much more sober than I actually was when I lost my virginity
• I can still drink like I did in college and not throw up. Praise be to God!

leaving for vegas and sxsw.

Sometimes I'm just like - what the hell is my life? Ever since I started this job in January of 2011, everything has been topsy-turvy crazy. I've been enjoying this past month of little travel - it's been nice being in SF, going to bingo weekly, seeing all of my friends. That will change tomorrow when I fly out to Vegas, only to fly out the next day to Austin for SXSW. I am not prepared and I'm pretty sure this event is going to be shit, but oh well. It's not until next Tuesday, so I still have some time. I hope I get to enjoy SXSW and make out drunkenly with cute tech nerds. But, this is my life and I'm there for work, so I will probably end up being irritated, annoyed, and #foreveralone.

I'm also sick, which sucks so much. We're going out to a really fancy dinner in Vegas with our team and I'm positive I will want none of it and won't even be able to drink much since I don't want to jeopardize my health for SXSW. I'm also sad to be missing L&S' party and another week of bingo back in SF. I just have 3 events to get through, though, and then this ridiculous hell is OVER. SXSW, Game Developers Conference, and this sales event - then, I am golden. On the night of April 4th, I am getting so drunk, I cannot wait. I am going to ladle as much alcohol down my throat as humanly possible and hopefully do something unladylike and fun. Only a month away...

Anyway, just popping in quickly to update! Hopefully more on the road posts to come...

epic nostalgia.

I love San Francisco; I truly do. It has it's share of problems and weirdness, for sure - the epic amount of homelessness, the rising rents, the hipsters (God, the hipsters), but I've generally accepted it as my home for the foreseeable future. Recently, though, I can't help feeling this overwhelming nostalgia for Long Island. I miss it SO much, even though I don't have any desire to move back at all.

Nostalgia is super important to me and rules most aspects of my life. I'm kind of a nostalgia hoarder - I have both of my prom dresses, in addition to the dress I lost my virginity in. I've kept a fair number of Brown Daily Heralds (the Brown University newspaper), and I have programs from every commencement since 2007, in addition to all of my theatre posters and programs for every show I've seen/produced/acted in/played my flute for. Letting go is not something I do well, so missing home is pretty natural to me.

I miss bagels and knishes on Sunday mornings, ordering a slice of regular at the pizza shop (do this in California and you get O_o looks), driving to Robert Moses Beach (Field 5, ya'll!), hanging out at the mall, Billy Joel. I even miss taking the drunk train from Penn Station back to my parents' house. One of the hardest things for me, randomly, is that if I live in California forever, I will have California children. ICK. As a New Yorker, this is shameful - the only thing worse than that would be having Boston children. I know it's irrational, as there are so many things I love about San Francisco that I could share with my children down the line, but it does pain me to think that my family life won't look 100% like the family life I had growing up. All in all, though, this has just impressed upon me the importance of booking a trip to Long Island sometime this summer, so I can revel in Ralph's Italian ices, warm summer nights, Huntington Village, and epic outlet shopping to cure my Long Island cravings.

In the meantime, this Long Island girl will continue to order Long Island Iced Teas and follow Yankees baseball religiously, to try and maintain some connection to the Motherland.