one down, two more to go.

Yes! At long last - my stressful, top-secret event is over! We had no leaks (so far) and everything ran pretty smoothly. Now we just have to replicate that shit in New York on Friday. God help me, I am going to be a shitshow for Super Bowl partying on Sunday. I feel proud of myself - this was one of my solo events and it felt good to get that shit done and leave the client happy. It was a tremendous undertaking, especially given all of the work I have right now, so I am beyond pleased. Yay! Anyway, I have to pack for New York and attempt to get at least a little bit of sleep. Talk soon! =)

just two more weeks.

That's all I have to get through before this crippling anxiety is gone from my life. I have an event tomorrow and Tuesday, Friday and Saturday, and then a new one next week Tuesday through Friday. This is the life I've chosen and it's exciting and fun, but it's also exhausting. Yesterday, I really just needed to blow off steam, so I spent the day doing fun things.

I got a mani in the morning, which was nice and relaxing. I then raced to a wax appointment. I remembered to tell my waxer that I was in a huge rush, but I think I forgot to tell her that I didn't want a full Brazilian wax. Oh the horror and the pain! Brazilians are bad enough, but when done at warp speed... Jesus - I was yelping and breathing hard. NEVER AGAIN. After that, I raced to meet up with MB for her wedding dress fitting. The dress was gorgeous and it was exciting to see her in it and hear all about their wedding planning. Then, it was time to get drunk with work peeps. Day drinking at this new bar near Civic Center. So.Much.Wine. It was a little out of hand, but I had a good time and got to know one of the new girls on the team who is visiting from London. Stupidly, I hadn't eaten anything all day, so I was shitfaced and had to go home to prep for the party.

The party was really nice. 7-10pm was a good time frame and it was just the right amount of people. We had the best jello shots ever - White Russian, strawberry, orange, whiskey sour, margarita, and birthday cake! Thankfully, BFF is amazing at that stuff, so we had a nice spread. I had a really good time listening to random 90s music and singing along. I love SF and my friends here! Having BFF here is a really nice support system. You don't realize how much you've missed something until you have it again. I also got to meet some of BFF's colleagues. I'm hoping I didn't scare the shit out of them, but oh well. I'm very friendly, even if I'm weird.

Anyhow, just wanted to pop in and say hey! Back to the grind and hopefully finding some food to eat. My pantry is looking a little bleak, even for me.

secrets, secrets are no fun.

I was reading a really great post by Lorraine over at Late to the Party and it had me thinking about the importance of keeping my shit to myself. Growing up, I was not the over-sharer that I've become and I don't really know when the shift happened. Probably when I learned to trust people. I spent most of my adolescence in fear of friendship and the cruel things people do to one another. It wasn't really until I met high school BFF and our clique, the MCM, that I truly learned what trust and friendship were. I began to open up a bit more. College followed, and my desire for authenticity helped me break out of my shell, and now here I am - a girl with very little shame and the desire to tell everyone everything.

In general, I like being an open person. It helps me work through shit and allows me to be crazy narcissistic when I want to be. I also like shocking people, so talking about taboo subjects and sharing my unorthodox views on life can be a lot of fun. However, sometimes I wonder if I'm jinxing myself. My need to tell people everything can sometimes lead to this paralyzing fear of action. It's like I can't do anything without input from a committee of my closest friends and family members. It can be quite limiting. There's also the fact that no matter how much you explain a situation, goal, or dream to another person, they aren't living with your truth. They give advice based on what limited information you've shared and what they know of you, but they don't know every little thought that goes on in your head. No one can really know that but you. I also fear that it places these unnecessary expectations on things. If you're excited about something and you share it, and it doesn't come to pass, then you look like a jackass. I hate looking like a jackass.

I'm trying to take a step back from over-sharing - not in all aspects of my life, but in some. Trying to keep some mystery about myself and having secrets that I keep inside. Over the next couple of months I want to keep my romantic escapades and desires to myself. I haven't done a great job of it so far, but I think for the next few months, I'm going to keep knowledge of my romantic life on a 'need to know' basis. When something happens that I feel like people should know, I'll share it, but until then I'm going to be a little more coy and reserved about my interests and what happens with them. It'll help me get less excited and invested in things, as well as allowing me to tap into my own desires and wants and not letting advice from others get in the way. However, for random sexual encounters, trust me - I will still continue to share those widely. It's the emotional shit I'll be keeping to myself.

in which i am tied up.

Yesterday, I dipped my toe into the world of kink and took a rope bondage class with a friend. It was amazing! I actually liked it a hell of a lot more than I thought I would. It was a fun two hour class and I learned that I am definitely a rope bottom (aka, I like to be tied up and not doing the tying). I really like living in San Francisco, where there is so much easy access to different sexual education classes. I had no idea what to expect going in, but the class had a mix of people. There were old couples, young couples, interracial couples, gay couples, straight couples, and even a few people who came on their own. It was refreshing to see people of all different walks of life in the class. The model was pretty cute, too!

We only really learned a few basic things. The first one was tying wrists, which I was actually able to do. Then I got to tie my friend's wrist to a chair. The third tie was this corset thing that we just couldn't figure out. I did make a nice little halter top with my rope, but I don't think that was the aim of the exercise. The last one was the coolest. It started off with getting your hands tied behind your back and then we had to get on the floor and be hogtied by our partner. I think that was the moment when I was like, "Wow, I could actually see myself doing this more regularly."

Getting into kink is super intimidating to me, so I'm thankful that I have a cool friend who was willing to try it out with me. It made it less scary. I've told myself that in 2013 I really want to try to expand my sexuality, especially since I'm not actively seeking a serious partner. So who knows? Maybe I'll pursue this bondage thing a little more and get some excitement out of it in the process. In the meantime, I would definitely recommend taking classes at the Armory in SF. I'm thinking about signing up for another one in the future and continuing to nurture my love of San Francisco sex education.

roller coaster of emotions.

I am exhausted, but I'm feeling shockingly okay with it. I had a moment today where I was just cranky and evil, but now I think I'm rounded the crest and I'm riding the wave of excitement around me. I'm starting to love my job again, because it's INSANE and there's too much to do, but some of it is really awesomely amazing. The fact that I'm working on something that people are talking about and I'm the only event lead is so exciting! I really want to make this the best event ever, even if I have to go through a life meltdown to do it. I've been pulling late nights and early mornings, but hopefully it pays off. I am *dying* to get promoted to manager in October and I think if I can successfully make this shit happen, that it is a real possibility.

Outside of that, I'm too concerned with work to think about the personal. Date on Friday night with TNJ and movies with people over the weekend. I'm going out to drinks with the work girls tonight to decompress and then I'll probably go home and work like a slave for 4 hours. I don't know why, but I just have really good feelings about 2013. Let's hope I'm right.

i am over today.

I should stay up late doing a ton of work for this event I'm working on, but today was the worst and I can't handle it. Plus, I had an 8pm meeting with India and I just drank like 3 glasses of wine, so I'm useless. I'm really nervous - the event I'm working on got written up in Mashable and now I'm scared as hell. It needs to be polished, perfect, and professional and my attention is split between like nine million events, so I can't really handle this right now. Thank God for 3 day weekends.

Why am I over today, you may ask? Well, this morning, boss and I rented a car from our job - one of those electrical Nissan Leaf things. We both hate driving, but she pulls the short straw and drives us 45 minutes south of the office for our site visit. We do our thing and then I have to drive home since she has a headache. Driving makes me nervous, especially with two other people in the car. We're on the highway and this damned Leaf hippie car is all of a sudden flashing 5 MILES TIL BATTERY DIES! It keeps flashing as we're on the 101 and I attempt not to crap my pants because this is pretty much my worst driving fear come to life. I manage to get us off the highway and parked at a Red Robin where we find an outlet and plug the car in (ghetto, I know - literally plugged into a socket on the side of the Red Robin). We then call our transportation department at work, where some trick with zero fucks to give was basically like - "oh, yeah... umm... those cars only really last an hour. and you need to charge them for like 9 hours to get that 1 hour of battery life. there's a training video. sorry! call this number if you need to be towed!" What kind of customer service is that?! Honestly, she couldn't even call for us or express a teensy bit of concern?! Fuck all! I have half a mind to write up a nasty eval for her, but I'm too tired and:

After an hour of waiting (complete with mozzie sticks and onion straws at Red Robin), we climbed into the tow truck and began the 45 min trek home. This is why I hate driving. And hippie cars. Fuck the environment!

Okay, clearly time for me to go to bed.

i have a date this weekend.

And I'm not the least bit stressed about it. It feels good not to take things so seriously.

That's all. =)

jesus christ, what a weekend.

So. Much. Alcohol. I think I'm both drunk and hungover at the same time... I don't know how that's possible, but it's what I'm feeling right now. Yesterday was a shit show. I got up after lazing around in bed, got my nails done, eyebrows done and did some shopping. Then, College BFF came over and we rushed to go meet up with my coworker, her bf, and their super smoking hot friend (who I met last year at Bay to Breakers and will refer to as SAM - short for secret agent man). First of all, bars with $4 whiskey-gingers are DANGEROUS. I don't know how much alcohol I consumed, but it was a lot. There were the aforementioned whiskey drinks, something with sweet tea vodka, Goldschlager (why God why did someone buy that shot for me?!), a jello shot and a girly shot that I convinced SAM to get me. I was pretty drunk, which meant I talked about sex A LOT. I shared several of my favorite ex stories - kicking that Russian dude in the face, the guy with the 10 inch penis that I'm pretty sure did porn, and how when I was like days away from breaking up with The Blexican, I would only let him screw me doggystyle so I didn't have to look him in the face. Yes, this is all TMI, even for this blog, so you can imagine how it came across in person.

So SAM is super hot and nice and sweet and totally a dirty fucking manwhore, which I love. We had several incredibly inappropriate innuendos at the bar, involving who was going to do what to whom and how and for what. I must've been really drunk to say the things I did in front of my co-worker. Post-drinking, we decided to go get hot pot, which meant tons of warm sake shots. SAM and I sat across the table from each other making witty sexual commentary. My favorite moment of the night (aside from him telling me what I'd have to do to him to get him to cook me breakfast in the morning):

Me: Really? You're color blind? What color is my shirt?
Him: Take it off and I'll tell you...

LOVE witty and inappropriate men. Because I'm a bitch, I was very mean to him and told him I didn't think he could satisfy me, even though he called me beautiful which I'm such a sucker for. I just like to make them work for it, ya know? So yeah, I have a new inappropriate crush. I wish he wasn't so good looking because it makes me nervous. I don't know if I can be sober around a guy that attractive.  Post-dinner, College BFF and I hopped in an Uber and came home, where we couldn't even talk for 20 minutes before passing the fuck out. This morning, we struggled to get through our hangovers and then I prepped to have my friends over for the Golden Globes. Loved watching fashion and being snarky during the show. I have amazing friends.

Anyhow, I need to get my life on track because next week is going to be even more hellish than last week. I also think I have an OK Cupid date, so I need to get primed for that. I've decided that I really need to have sex in the month of January, so I can't fuck this date up.

Hope you all had fun weekends!

dragging...

For whatever reason, I just cannot bring myself to get out of bed and be productive. It's already noon and all I've done is eaten some yogurt and answered a work email. And I'm supposed to be at the bar at 5pm to watch the Niners game with cute boys and some co-workers, but I've got errands to run before that. Rawr.

It sucks that as my work is getting more and more crazy, my social life is starting to heat up. I'm really looking forward to having a sleepover with my best friend tonight. It's exactly what I need - a little bit of girl time and a bottle of Veuve. I'm looking forward to hearing all about her move to the Bay and the new job, as well as getting out and meeting some guys. I need to relearn how to flirt. I'm terrified of my first sexual encounter post-TOJ. What if I forget how to do things? I used to be pretty damn good at sex, maybe I've lapsed? Hopefully it's like riding a bike... I don't know. I've been oddly happy this week, so maybe good things are coming my way? Trying to be cautiously optimistic.

Last night was a lot of fun - watching Beasts of the Southern Wild with the Y-crew and drinking wine. It was better than my initial plan of coming home, getting into PJs and sobbing into a pizza as I try to keep up with my work email. Is it April 5th yet?

dating update.

Well, friends - I think I'm finally ready to dip my toe back in the pool for real. I don't know what's happened over the past 9 months, but I just haven't felt like my old self. Men have held no real attraction to me and the whole sex thing has left me kind of 'meh.' I hate feeling that way - sex has been an integral part of my life since I was like 6 years old. I've been fascinated with it since childhood and it sucks when you no longer enjoy something that once meant so much to you. Now, I'm starting to feel like it's time to date again. I've updated my OKC profile and I've been getting a bunch of viable messages from interesting guys. I even got my first phone number this morning! I'm cautiously optimistic about getting laid sometime in the next 3 months. I've missed flirting with boys - it used to be so much fun for me. Hopefully I can get my swerve on soon =)

nerves.

I am an anxious person. An extremely anxious person - it is a miracle of God that I haven't had a damn ulcer by now. Sometimes I'm surprised that I've chosen such a stressful job because it brings that anxiety up to the forefront. Right now, I'm stressing over a million different things and trying to tell myself to calm down.

Work is killing me. I am currently working on an insane number of events (I just counted them and there are 8). I am so not ready for the one that is coming up next. I mean, the work will get done and done well - it always does - but this is so high-profile and I'm all on my own and I'm behind. We got the final word from our founder that the event is happening, so I need to make sure it looks AMAZING. And I need a caterer in New York. God help me. It looks like I will not be getting much rest this week. I think I might pull an extra long day tomorrow to ease my mind. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Everything is weighing on me and I'm wondering how I'm going to survive the next couple of months. At least I'll get a break after July.

I'm also wondering what it means to move on from my past relationships with men. I don't necessarily want to be friends with any of my exes, but I don't know why I'm filled with dread when I think of seeing some of them again. Of course, I've put myself in a situation where I am willingly going to place myself at an event that a guy I used to see is hosting and I'm wondering if that's smart. I want to get over my past and move forward to a new future. I also want the opportunity to go somewhere where I could meet new people and new men and this affords that. Plus, I'd be going with my best friend, so there's that level of comfort. I'm just scared that my immaturity will turn things into a shit show, or that I will deeply regret doing something that I really don't need to be doing. I'm definitely over the connection - it's been so long - but you never know how resentment can come out. I run from my feelings frequently, and I avoid situations where I might be uncomfortable. However, some of the best moments in my life and some of the best decisions I've made were super uncomfortable at first (hi, moving to California for a job)! I don't know what to do and I think initially I was okay with attending the event and now I'm not so much, but my friend really wants to go. I just want to show that I've grown up and moved on, but can still be cordial and polite. Arg... sorry that this is non-sensical. I can't be sure who reads this stuff, so I'm being deliberately vague.

Anyhow, back to copious amounts of work.

attempting to acquire more knowledge.

I've decided I want to learn more. I really do miss being in school - that was such a huge piece of my identity growing up. I loved learning and taking tests and studying. Nowadays, I don't really get to do any of that. I love my job, but it's more of a creative and logistical thing - we don't spend a lot of time with our noses in books. As a result, I've decided to sign up for some classes.

• Russian! I finally bought Rosetta Stone and have started with the lessons. I'm really excited so far and hopefully I can get my Russian back to where it was in college.
• Contraception! I'm taking a Coursera course on birth control, which will help further my sex education. I'm really trying to start teaching and training at some point, so I need to get as many classes in as humanly possible.
• Rope bondage! I signed up to take a rope bondage course at the Armory with an unnamed friend. I am sure this will be hilariously awkward as it is a couples class. I've never done any rope bondage before, but I want to learn how to tie knots and it could be an interesting addition to my sex life (assuming I ever get my sex life back). Always good to have new skills.

Yay! Knowledge!

my spirit is restless.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to settle down and live a normal life, staying in one place for a considerable amount of time. Ever since I graduated, I've been bouncing from place to place. I moved to California in August of 2007 and left 9 months later for New York. I spent two years in NYC and then I moved back to California, where I've been for the past two and a half years. I love it here - I really do. It's the first time that I've felt really content and calm. My social life is really amazing right now. I have a great core group of friends that I actually enjoy spending time with. We get along so well and I love and care for each one of them. I have an amazing team at work that I consider to be another pillar of my social life. Two of my best friends from college are now out here. Things are good. I'm still single, but it almost doesn't matter because work and my friends keep me busy. I love San Francisco and I find the city beautiful and interesting, yet frustrating enough to keep me on my toes. So why the hell am I feeling this insane wanderlust?

I've never lived abroad and I think that was a major mistake on my part. Brown took me some time to get used to. I didn't feel at home until the end of my sophomore year and the London study-abroad program I wanted to do was in the fall of junior year. It just seemed crazy to let go of that happiness and break that momentum for the unknown. Yet, I really wish I had taken that opportunity. I'm craving something new - a new place, a new relationship, a new career. I want something that makes me insanely excited and scared every day. If it's not my job, then I'd want it to be my surroundings. I love it here, but it's not exciting or new. I just wish I could transplant the amazing friendships I've cultivated.

I don't really know what to do next. I made a list of some career options, since at this point, that's really what's going to drive the change. I need $$$, I need a job, so I will have to follow that. I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy. My OCD Virgo self would never go anywhere without a plan. Part of me is thinking of just applying for one of those 3-6 month rotation programs at my job. The best part about working where I do is that we have hundreds of offices around the world. My company has been insanely good to me - I'm sure if I wanted a different experience I could make it happen. Maybe even do a stint with the London events team? Another part of me wants to get into the luxury hotel events business and find some fancy schmancy resort on an island and go there and do events in-house. The other part of me wants to start my own gig. I'm lucky that I'm young and unattached and have these opportunities available to me, but sometimes having too much choice can be paralyzing for a person.

I just know one thing. I don't want to do what I did my sophomore year of college, where I was so scared to disrupt my life that I let an opportunity pass my way. I need to be confident in myself and my friendships. I know that I can make friends - I've done it every single move. I am a nice person. I am friendly and amenable and amusing. I also know my friends. I love them and I know that they aren't going anywhere, and that true friendship can last over time and distance. Shit, I still talk EVERY SINGLE DAY to a friend I've known since we were 14 years old. I need to stop looking outside of myself for guidance and start looking within. That's the only way I'm going to figure out what I need to do.

operation: have more fun!

This year, I really do want to have more fun and put myself out there. Hence, when my friend AP invited me to a last-minute birthday dinner with her and a few friends, I agreed. We had delicious hot pot and sake and it was awesome. Of course, they wanted to continue the party so I went with her, her roommate, and their BFF to Smuggler's Cove to drink delicious tiki cocktails. I can't believe I've never been to that bar before - they have some amazing rum drinks and the bartenders know their shit. I'm usually not a rum girl, but even I was able to find several drinks to knock back quickly. Add a punch bowl to that and instant intoxication! Yay!

I wonder if I'll ever be an adult because I am forever making poor alcohol decisions. I also love talking about random sex shit when I drink, so I had to tell everyone about my traumatic porn viewing experience, while also telling them about blood play (warning: NSFW if you Google it and not for the faint of heart). My favorite moment of the night was these trashed as hell Marin chicks who came and pretty much flirted with everyone in our circle, male and female alike. I'm happy I keep my drunk touchy-feely self to people I know. I do have a soft spot for bridge & tunnel folk, though. I spent most of my life living on Long Island, commuting into Manhattan for wild sprees of drinking and craziness, followed by a mad dash to catch the 1am Drunk Train. After we managed to get the girls to leave, we closed out the bar and went home. I got home at 2am (clearly, I was not going to work this morning) and stayed up reading til 3am. Today, I spent laying in bed in a semi-hungover state, napping and waking up intermittently to answer work emails. Thank God, boss and boss' boss were out of the office.

In more productive resolution news, AP's roommate offered to go hiking with us, so I now have some hiking buddies to further my desire to be a more active, outdoorsy California girl in the new year. I also got my Zipcar membership card, so I can start renting cars to do my grocery shopping errands and make my life a little bit easier. Yay! It's fun to have goals!

Anyway, trainer tomorrow... so let me get myself in bed.

i'm trying to be an adult.

I am deathly afraid of driving. I don't know why, but I get this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know I have to get in a car and go somewhere. I especially hate driving with other people in the car. I've never been in an accident or even close to being in an accident, and yet, getting behind the wheel terrifies me. It took me three tries to get my license when I turned 16 (gotta love how fucking up parallel parking will automatically fail you!) and ever since I've gotten it, I will do anything to get out of driving. In high school, I always got rides from friends and even to this day, I still prefer to be a passenger and not a driver. I've decided that 2013 is the year that I'm changing all of that.

I think what really sealed it for me was the trip to Yosemite, which played out like an episode of Ice Road Truckers. It was a damn long drive, the weather was terrible and the roads were winding like nobody's business.  I just felt so useless. My two friends ended up splitting the driving duty and for the snowy parts, my one friend was the sole driver. I hated feeling completely helpless, sitting in the backseat like a putz. I want to learn how to drive in all different kinds of weather, but I guess first off I should focus on just driving in normal, regular San Francisco conditions. The other thing that's pushing me to get more comfortable is that I've finally decided to buy a car! It is about time. You can live in SF without one, but let me tell you - life is so much better when you have one. I won't have to lug groceries around in my little cart and I'll be way more likely to go to some restaurant in the Outer Sunset if I know I don't have to get on public transportation to do it. I imagine I'll still be taking the bus a fair amount (I don't plan on driving to work at all and let's be real - I drink too much to drive anywhere at night), but it will be nice to have the option of not always taking public transportation.

To get started, I finally signed up for a Zipcar membership and I've set a goal to drive at least once a week to do errands and then taking one long car ride a month. I probably won't buy a car until the second half of the year, so this is my solution in the meantime. I am a grown ass woman with my license - there is no reason for me to avoid driving like this, especially since my job occasionally requires me to rent a car. I'm ready to finally conquer this fear! I don't think I'm going to love driving or anything, but all I really want is to be proficient enough to do it when I need to without being scared of it.

happy new year!

It's 2013! Yay! This was my first New Year's Eve in San Francisco and I'm really happy I stayed local. L&S and JazzGirl and I went to Boulevard for their amazing prix fixe dinner. It was seriously orgasmic. They had this white truffle cream with beet chips that was insane! It really reaffirmed how much I love good food and was totally worth the price. I also had an amazing gin fizz. While we were eating dessert, midnight came around and since the restaurant was right on the Embarcadero, we were able to go out and watch the fireworks. I had no idea that they did a huge fireworks display for the New Year. Scene below:

All and all, it was a great New Year's Eve and I had a ton of fun celebrating with three of my closest friends. I'm looking forward to what 2013 will bring!