erm, ignore me, please.

So, um, yeah. Crisis averted and the boy wrote back explaining why he hadn't written back (out partying for a birthday, phone died, woke up late, missed shuttle/work, etc) and reiterating that he'd like to go out again. So we have a date tomorrow for knishes and drinks. I'm officially the world's biggest jackass/neurotic and I need to chill the fuck out. Someone please kill me and end this misery that is living inside of my head. I'm not going to take back all of what I said last post, but I do feel like a colossal tool in a lot of ways. I know that I have to be patient and all, but after 25 years of being patient (almost 26!) --- I just can't do it all the time. Sometimes I panic and that panic is why I wish I was asexual or that I could opt out of the dating game altogether.

I told one of my friends that I believe that some people just aren't meant to be loved and that I think I'm one of them. Maybe it's not that I'm not meant to be loved, but that I'm not meant to be loved by anyone that I want to love me. Men are usually intrigued by me in some may. I know how to capture male attention (both romantic and platonic). I grew up with boys, have a sense of how they operate, and I know how to be appealing to them on a variety of levels. I'm not thin, I'm not even particularly attractive, but I have really big boobs and give off a slightly slutty vibe know how to have fun, how to be interesting, how to carry on a conversation, and how to make people laugh. That has always served me well with getting boys to flirt with me, kiss me, sleep with me. Yet, I still don't have the love that I crave. The only man who's ever loved me (that I know of, at least) is a man that I was pretty much indifferent to. When I like a guy a lot, it is always bound to end poorly for me.

Which brings me back to my point - maybe I'm just not meant to be loved. I think I have a pretty realistic picture of the person I was and the person I've become. Good things don't always happen to everyone and I think I'm starting to become comfortable with the fact that this whole love thing will always be a struggle for me. There's one thing my best friend said to me recently that struck a chord. She said, "I hate when people tell me that someday I'll meet some guy who is going to love me for who I am. Because the reality is that I might not get that. That is a very real possibility. And it won't necessarily be because I don't want it badly enough. It could be because it just doesn't happen. I need to live with the reality of that." I'm slowly coming around to her reality and trying not to view it as a negative, but as a simple part of life.

I mean, all in all, I've had a good run of things (spoken as though I'm going to die tomorrow, lol) and I lead a pretty awesome life considering how things started off for me. Black bastard children don't often get breaks out here in America. I'm lucky to have been adopted by two amazingly wonderful human beings who provided me with a wonderful education, allowing me to get a damn good job, a kick-ass apartment that I don't have to share, and amazing friendships that sustain me. It's not too hard to find contentment within that.

random rambings.

I am exhausted and I have no idea why. I'm sleeping like a crazy person - taking all kinds of naps during the day and then staying up until 3am watching Lost. I need to get on a regular sleep schedule, although I guess staying up til 3am is fine, if you think of it as midnight Pacific time. I head back to California on Wednesday so I should probably start operating on a West Coast sleep schedule. It's strange - I love this time of the year because it's holiday time and everything is so magical and wonderful (I'm currently listen to my Grooveshark Christmas playlist that I spent nine years on), but then I hate it because of all the travel involved. I guess it's my fault for moving to the West Coast, but I like spending time in my apartment without going back and forth to the East Coast. I wish I could just import my friends and family to be with me. I know myself - I'm supremely lazy, so when I get older, all this shit is happening at my house cuz I'm not going anywhere. Run and tell that, homeboy!

In exciting tech news, I bought an iPad today! Even with my brother's 25% discount and the $200 gift certificate from the raffle I bought, I still spent a ton on it and accessories. Oh, well. I know I need to get my finances in order, but I'm just so obsessed with things. I like buying tech gadgets and my wardrobe needs an update. Unfortunately, my bills also need to be paid. I think my goal is to dig myself out of the credit card debt I have from my whole cross-country move by January 1st. I sold some of my stock (my boss and teammates say I should sell now that it's high, so I feel like at least someone is co-signing my decision to offload a small piece of it) and I fully intend to spend the WHOLE amount on credit card debt. No playing around. It won't take care of all of it, but with frugal living and trying to keep my expenses light - no meals out, drinking in my apartment with friends instead of barhopping - I should be able to scramble up the rest from my paycheck. Christmas will be a little bit of a drain, but I think I can do it. That's my number 1 goal for 2011 - fiscal responsibility. Hahaha - wish me luck, because my ass is going to need it.

Anyway, I'm just rambling today because I'm half-drunk with sleep and hunger. Hope everyone's enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yay! Turkey Day! I suppose I could write about the things I'm thankful for, but I'm not really in the mood. I'm incredibly pensive today about a number of random things. Thanksgiving was fun! The food was amazing (my mother is a fabulously wonderful cook) and the company was good and it's always awesome to spend time with my family. Of course, I've been letting my mind wander and here are a few places it's passed through.

1. Interviews for the new job went well and the feedback was described by the recruiter as "extremely positive," BUT they have two other candidates in the pipeline and want to finish interviews with them before they make a decision. I'm kind of crushed by this because it doesn't seem to bode well. Although, I'm mad at the friends/parent who also said this to me. Thank you to the friends who are telling me I'll still get it. Haha - even if you're lying, I like it. I guess I'm just not sure if this development is good or bad. I mean, the one chick did start interviewing before me, so it only seems fair that they continue with her, but I figure if they *loved* me they'd hire me on the spot. Arg. I don't know what goes on behind the scenes in recruiting (even though I was a recruiting coordinator for 9 months... whatevs), so I guess I'll just try to forget about it until I know. There's also the fact that I'm internal, which means it is MUCH easier for them to hire me than anyone from the outside. Even if they love her, if the hiring committee and higher-ups have issues with her education or resume, she's out. So it could still be good. Anyways, wish me luck!
2. I got a text from TG today. It was a simple 'Happy Thanksgiving' text that I know wasn't a mass text because my name was in it. It kind of threw me off my game because it showed his new Facebook photo, which is him and his new girlfriend. I'm not jealous and I don't want him at all (I mean, I have a boyfriend for one and secondly, TG and I are not right for each other), but it was still weird to see. I just don't like hearing from him at all, but I also don't like being a bitch to someone who once meant something to me, so I just wrote a short, polite response back. Maybe I should stop doing that, but I figure as long as what he does isn't intrusive, I can just roll with it.
3. I worry about my relationship (says the girl who's been in one for like a week and a half). I just wonder if I'm really into him and if this is what I really want. I think because I'm here in NY and he's in CA it's just bringing up doubts. Do we have enough in common? Does he talk enough to date me? Is he exciting enough? I suspect that I just haven't peeled back the layers enough to know for certain. I mean, I like him and the sex is good and he treats me very well. I just need to get... there. You know, that magical place that nearly every girl I know seems to be able to get to with every guy they date at such a fast pace. On the one hand, I'm proud of my independence (I was shockingly flattered when Freshman Year BFF was like "you're much more independent than most girls"), but on the other hand, sometimes I wish I was more like other girls and could fall in love easily. I know it's spared me some pain, but it's probably also caused me to miss out on some good things. But, I know myself - I'm a perfectionist to a fault and so I'm going to try and be the best motherfucking girlfriend on the history of the planet. Even if I die trying.
4. I'm getting fat. Seriously. I never use that word to describe anyone because I know how much pressure women have to be thin and perfect, but seriously, my body is going downhill. I need to get in shape FAST. Of course, it's holiday time and that won't happen, but I guess I can at least get my booty to the gym each day and try to eat more veggies, even as I stuff myself with cakes and cookies and pies. Oh well, at least my boobs are hot. Maybe I'll even make E cup status? =)

So yeah, that's what's running through my mind nowadays...

i just can't catch a break can i?

Ugh, I feel like shit. My period is still fucking with me and I have a headache and a stomachache. I also came in ridiculously late today, which means that I should probably stay until at least 6:30pm, if not 7 in order to not look like a huge slacker.

I've been engaging in back and forth witty banter with this one guy online. He seems relatively normal and a lot like me in many ways - sarcastic, similar interests, and he's pretty good at verbally sparring with me, which you all know I love. I think he wants to meet, which scares me, but I guess I should just go for it, right? It's time to put myself out there for real style. So hopefully that doesn't fall through, like these things tend to do.

Short update today, I just cannot focus for the life of me.

friday night dispatch.

I think I'm already hungover - is that possible? I drank a whole bottle of white wine earlier this evening and I'm no longer drunk, but I have a raging headache. Kind of annoying. ANYWAY. I'm sitting here watching CurrentTV - they're doing a special on sexual fetishes. I don't know why I'm watching this - haha. They have a dominatrix on right now - it's kind of fascinating what people are into. If the whole HR thing doesn't work out for me, I could probably make a lot of money and release a lot of tension that way.

So, weekend roundup!

1. I just had a second set of people tell me I look like Julia Stiles. Have I mentioned that I'm black? HAHA. I just find it funny and I don't know if I see it, but apparently others do. I've also been told that I sound like her. Again, this is something several people have told me on unrelated occasions. Weird.
2. I'm going to a party in Brooklyn tomorrow. Brooklyn. I don't *do* Brooklyn. Hopefully, it's fun - I'm actually really excited cuz it's Slindy's sister and I love them both, so I think it'll be a good time. Also looking for a summer fling, so maybe there will be interesting men there.
3. I'm considering an online dating experiment. I just put up my NYC profile, but I was considering putting up the exact same profile in SF to see which quality of men were better and where I got more responses. I think it would be incredibly interesting to see the difference between online dating in the two cities. Perhaps a project for this weekend.
4. My hair has never looked this good. These new products I bought are making my hair look amazing - soft, touchable curls. I think I'm going to be natural for life. Now here's hoping that my hair grows like nobody's business because I want a major curly fro by 2011.

Anyway, I'm getting sleepy, so it's time for me to rest my eyes. Goodnight, ya'll.

i can haz more tyme?

OMG I'm so fucked. So so so very fucked. In all areas of my life - professionally, personally. SIGH. I haven't packed and I'm light years behind at work. This shit is ridiculous. My flight is Saturday morning at 10:30am. Good luck to me!

So I'm terrified to see what the hell is going to happen once I make it to SF. Should I pack condoms? Or is that presumptuous? Or stupid? I mean, I shouldn't be having sex with TG, but we all know that I love sex and will not be able to resist once it is in front of me. I am basically a man. Sigh. At this point, though, who knows if I'll even make it to my plane because of that whole "I haven't packed or done laundry" thing. Plus, maybe he won't want to have sex with me? Ha - that's funny - all the boys wanna have sex with me! (That is definitely not true... lol). ACK I can't focus!!!!!! I'm also ravenously hungry.

This entry has been brought to you by lack of sleep and the letter I, for idiot.

Carry on!

now that i am no longer spewing rage...

I shall update =) I've been the biggest 'see you next tuesday' on the planet for these past couple of days. Snapping at people, moping around, throwing mini tantrums. I even locked myself up in my room last night with a bottle of wine. But, now, I emerge - shiny and new! And clearly on crack...

I just made an appointment with my psychic. Yes, I have a psychic. I love her! She's like a wise old grandma. Anyhow, with all this change in my life - moving, job transfer, etc - I really feel like I need some sort of guidance. Some people have therapy, I have a psychic. Different strokes, people.

Still doing the 'conflicted over TG' dance. I get a text from him yesterday - "I took the day off. Too bad you're not here with me!" Of course that brought back the FLOOD of memories. Like how he used to text me in the middle of the night telling me he hoped I was sleeping well and that he just wanted to leave me a nice message to wake up to in the morning. Or the myriad of little romantic messages he'd send. I NEED TO STOP BEING NOSTALGIC. It really just makes everything worse.

Also, I don't think the reality of the next few weeks has set in yet. I am going to California for 5 whole weeks. I will be living in a hotel, out of a suitcase for 5 whole weeks. This is kind of insane, especially since the first 3 weeks will be full of 16 hour workdays. I need to start getting prepared. I don't even know how to pack for a trip that long. Insanity. Hopefully I have time to blog and fill you all in on the drama that is bound to happen. San Francisco is always drama for me - plain and simple.

Okay, back to work - I'm being surprisingly productive considering I strolled in at 10:15 and took a 90 minute lunch. Need to keep it up!

random musings on a friday.

I've started writing this post about 8 times. I just can't seem to get my thoughts together right now. So instead, the top 3 things in my head at this moment.

1. I am so fucked when it comes to work. I'm way past deadline on something that is essentially the essence of my job. And yet, I come in early every day and leave late most evenings. What the hell is going on? Can we get some headcount for a new person?
2. I eat a lot of yogurt. Like, a lot. I must have the healthiest vagina on God's green earth. I also strangely can't stand flavored yogurt. I want the kind of tart, plain Greek stuff only. I have weird eating habits, this is true.
3. I think I've hit rock bottom. My friends at work have decided we're going to an Ivy League mixer next week. I want to puke when I think of the epic levels of douchebaggery that will be on display at this event. I'm hoping I just get sauced and go home with someone. Win-Win!

Well, I was going to do 5 things, but apparently there's not much in my head but empty space! Back to work...

sunday morning musings.

I'm still really incredibly tired. I don't know how to get enough rest anymore. It's so odd, I used to be the girl up at 6 or 7am every day, no matter what time I went to bed the night before. Hell, I even got up at 3:45am every day for a month to work out. Now, I can't seem to get enough sleep no matter how hard I try. I think I need more natural sunlight in my bedroom and maybe less TV. I'm going to try and make that happen this week because I want to start using my mornings to do some working out. I've definitely gotten soft lately and I want to fix that before California in two weeks.

This trip is going to be interesting. I want to sort out my feelings about San Francisco and potentially living there again before I make any concrete decisions. Seeing old friends, checking out the neighborhoods. Then, there's TG. He texted last night and we went back and forth a little. It's really nice when he thinks about me - if only I knew what he was thinking about me. We still haven't really talked about the trip yet. I mean, I asked earlier if he was going to see me and he said yes and that he'd make certain he was in NYC more this year. Lately, it's been hot and cold between us, though. Even after he got rid of the chick he was seeing. Some nights we have stellar conversations and it's fun and flirty. Then *poof* he's gone. I have to use this trip to figure out what's what between us or at the very least get some shit off my chest in a responsible, mature, face-to-face way. Yup, that's the plan.

black death.

Sorry for the radio silence, I've been disgustingly sick. Went home from work with a temperature of 102 degrees, ended up passing out in bed. Fever with alternating chills, absolutely no appetite, sweating like crazy, and in extreme pain throughout my whole body. Tres annoying. I'm slightly better now - and back at work. Yay! (That was sarcasm, btw)

I hate when I get sick because I never want to do anything. I missed roomie's birthday dinner and had to cancel my drink plans for tonight. All I've been doing is watching shitty TV and wallowing. My room is a complete mess and I have no clean clothing. What a way to start 2010! TG is blowing up my phone like whoa - tons of texts from him. It started New Year's Eve Eve and has continued every day since then. I wonder what's up with him.

Speaking of that, I'm booking my flights today for California. Decided to do 9 days out there, escape the cold, hang out with my friends. I think I'll stay in SF and do the shuttle thing - I don't really want to rent a car. My friends will have a Super Bowl shindig, so that'll be fun and then I'll have Freshman Year Best Friend show me around the East Bay. I'll fly back on V-day and avoid all that awkwardness by spending 6 hours in the air in addition to the 3 hours I'll lose for time zone changes. Score!

I'm a woman with a plan. =)

oh noes... i'm sick.

I think I'm starting to get sick and I'm afraid it could be the dreaded F word that will not be spoken. Of course I'm at work because I have some urgent shit to handle and everyone (and I mean everyone) is on vacation - literally, my whole team. I plan on putting my nose to the grindstone and getting my shit done and then peacing out to go to bed. I need to start getting more sleep.

I know I said I was going to start focusing on myself and not other people, but I just have to share this because it's on my mind. Everyone and their mother is getting married. I'm serious. I'm not even talking about my peer group, I'm talking about people younger than me and those still in school. Marriage is taking over! I'm fascinated by this whole thing. Anyway, to bring it back to me - I've been corresponding with a young man via the interwebs, haha. We'll see how it goes. It's the most contact I've had with a man in almost a year. Slowly but surely dipping my toe back into that pool. At least I'm keeping one of my resolutions!

random musings.

Some random things that have popped into my head:

1. I love that "Tik Tok" song by Ke$ha. This makes me ashamed of myself as a human being.
2. I really need the perfect dress for New Years. The club we're going to is more of a rock n roll type of place, so I think I need to mix it up from my usual uber-classy minimalist style. I still want to look kind of slutty, though. What?! It's New Years.
3. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow at this fancy natural salon in Brooklyn. I'm really hoping they can do something with it because I'm starting to get frustrated.
4. My love of Criminal Minds has turned into a full-blown addiction. I watch about 3 episodes every single day and I've actually looked up becoming a special agent at the FBI. This is obsessiveness taken to the next level.
5. I still haven't bought tickets for my February trip to California. I don't know why I think that avoiding something means it won't happen. I'm an idiot.

oh the weather outside is frightful.

Days like today I think I must be cracked to have moved to New York. It is fucking freezing and snow is on the horizon for tomorrow. I hate snow and winter in general. I'm probably living in the wrong place.

I've been incredibly restless lately, thinking about job stuff and law school and dating and the end of the year. My mind is just such a swirl of thoughts. I also need to stop taking everything so personally. I analyze everything and get embarrassed so easily and then I can't focus. It's not cute or healthy and I'm going to drive myself to have an ulcer if I keep it up.

I guess the snow is positive - I can spend time working on law school apps, finally doing my laundry (you should see some of the outfits I've been wearing), cleaning my room and apartment, and enjoying some holiday cocktails. Strategizing. I've been too tired to really do anything productive and work has been taking up a lot of my spare time, so having the break will be nice. I also have done no Christmas shopping, which basically means I'm f-u-c-k-e-d.

Is it January yet?

love random comments.

This morning when I walked into work, one of the female security guards flagged me over. She asked me if I was in love. She says I been looking really good lately and my walk and my clothes all suggest that I'm head over heels. I laughed out loud. Completely off base, as I have absolutely 0 men in my life now. It was still nice to feel that at least on the outside, you're looking like everything is peaches and cream.

I am pretty happy right now, though, all things considered. I did something wild last night and I doubt anything will come of it, but it was a little baby step toward the road of happiness. I'll talk more about it if it does turn into something, but I'm trying not to blow things out of proportion. That and every time I talk about anything positive in my life, it immediately blows up in my face, haha. I still haven't started work on the whole dating profile thing. I think it's mostly the fact that I don't want to take any new pictures. I mean, I love my new short hair, but whenever I go home, I'm always scrubbing out in pajamas looking like something the cat dragged in. I did get an awesome shot of me at the holiday party, but I don't have a frickin' scanner. Grr. Why can't I just meet someone organically? Honestly. I just want a man to fall into my lap. I've lost my desire to hunt for one. I'm more than willing to put in the effort to flirt and court a guy and get all dressed up and seduce him, but I hate searching for one. No one has interested me in a while and I haven't had a chance to put my mad seduction skillz to use.

Anyhow, I should be working right now, so let me get on that.

all alone.

I'm all alone in my apartment this weekend. Normally I would be excited, but instead I'm just creeped out and lonely. I spent most of tonight working, but I couldn't finish so I stopped and I'll probably put in another 5 hours tomorrow. I really need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life because the current plan just isn't hacking it. Stupid economy. I hate being a slave to something I cannot control. It's one thing when you're not good enough or talented or motivated enough to do something, but when it's the outside circumstances that are keeping you from it, it's just frustrating.

I worry about my parents and their monetary situation and how that affects me and the choices I make and the future of my family. I wonder if I'll ever really have enough - enough time, enough money, enough happiness. I'm wondering what I think it'll take for me to be happy. I've never had a problem with hard work, but I just don't think I can do what I'm doing right now. I'm wondering if I'm just burnt out or if I've become a lazy bum or if I'm just not challenged by what I do. I need guidance, but I'm not really sure how to get it.

Anyway, I'm rambling because it's late and I'm awake and I'm ending a night spent in anger. So let me just call it a night. =)

weekend musings.

I'm trying my hardest to plow through everything on my list this weekend. I've been reading like crazy. In the past couple of weeks, I've read several magazines and books. I went to the bookstore yesterday and bought Angela Davis' Women, Race & Class, The Duchess by Amanda Foreman, and Sin in the Second City by Karen Abbott. I'm on this feminist/women in history/sex kick, so most of my reads focus on that. I'm also in the middle of David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day, which is cracking me up. What I really need is a library card because I'm about to bankrupt myself over trips to Barnes & Noble. It feels good, though, to read again. I used to read all the time right up until college, when I didn't really have time for pleasure reading. I'm glad I've brought it back into my life.

I've also been thinking a lot about money. I need to take a good, hard look at what I spend money on. I'm not in trouble at all, but I think it's time for me to analyze my money habits so that they don't come back to bite me in the ass later. For this reason, I'm not going to do boot camp. I just don't think spending $419 is wise right now. Instead I'll join a gym with my corporate discount and do the work on my own. I think I have it in me to make the changes I need to make, without putting myself in the poorhouse in the process.

I was reading this article in Vanity Fair this morning about the Brooke Astor trials and whether or not her son exploited her Alzheimer's in order to steal money from her. It's so strange - women are always worried about losing their looks. It's all - how many wrinkles am I going to have? Will I get fat? What about gray hair? To be honest with you, I'm more worried about losing my damn mind because it seems like that's just a little more important than whether or not I look like i'm 45 when I'm 62. So now I'm trying to do whatever I can to keep my mind sharp.

Anyway, that was a whole lot of rambling - time for me to get back to that list!

time is flying by.

I can't believe that it's going to be September next week. I still remember when the summer began and I was so excited about what a great time I was going to have. The weather pretty much killed all of that for me, but I still had a pretty good time. I'm getting nervous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, there are 48 days until the culmination of all of my hard work at my job. I'm starting to freak out about whether things will run smoothly or not. These next 48 days are going to be insanity - I'm not sure I'm fully prepared for all the craziness that's going to come my way. I'll survive, though - I always do.

I'm turning 24 soon. Wow. Approaching my mid-twenties. It's scary. I don't know where I'm at and whether it's where I want to be for 24. I'd love to be a little thinner, a little prettier, more put together, more well-read, more in control of my life. It's a struggle, though. I have no idea what I want to do for my birthday and whether or not I think anyone will actually come. I get so nervous about those things - birthdays are a colossal amount of stress for me. Maybe I should just spend it quietly - it's not like I'm turning 25 or anything.

In other news, I'm trying to up my knowledge factor by listening to interesting, informative podcasts during work. I'm constantly obsessed with packing as much into my days as possible and since I spend at least 8 hours a day at my desk, I might as well be doing something other than staring blankly at my computer screen.

let me indulge my dorkiness for a little bit.

Harry Potter opens tonight!!!!!!!!! I have tickets for the midnight show and I'm super excited. I still remember how geeked out my friends and I would get when the books came out. We'd go to the midnight HP parties at Barnes and Noble to pick up our books and then spend the next day in Shruti's basement reading. Man, I miss that. I was talking to my roommate yesterday about how sad we'll be after the seventh and eighth movies get released. No more eagerly awaiting another movie or book.

Pop culture is a huge thing for me. I love getting excited over things like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and even Star Trek. Even though I never got into the LotR books and I've seen maybe 3 episodes of Star Trek, there's something about lining up with a large group of people to watch some epic movie that gets me excited. I guess I just love getting lost in another world, which is the basis for my movie fascination.

Anyhow, cannot wait to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince tonight!

i'm waiting for my summer vacation.

Seriously. Where is it? I don't know what it is about this year, but I want a real honest-to-God summer break like I've never wanted it before. My parents used to tell me that once you graduate college, life is truly just one workday after another. I'm feeling that right now. It's easy for me to be very active in the morning, but the afternoon comes and I just hit this slump and don't want to do anything.

I'm still trying to get this whole 'life' thing settled. Clearly I'm not doing what I want to be doing because I feel very stagnant. I mean, I love my job in the sense that out of all of the positions open to me at this company, this is the one that fits me best. However, it's not what I want to be doing long-term. I'm trying to motivate myself to apply to school, because I don't think I can deal with another year of stagnation. I wonder where I'll end up next year. I love the Bay Area, but I'm such a New Yorker. I wonder which one will win out. I'm also petrified to ask for teacher recommendations because I'm not one of those girls that's easily remembered by professors. I'm sure they're used to getting tons of requests, though. I have to finish all of that by next week - at least sending out the requests. I've started to brainstorm my personal statement. I don't even know what you're supposed to write in a personal statement. I'm trying to leave race/gender out of it because I don't want to define myself solely in those terms. I'm thinking I'll talk about the blood clot and near-death experiences. I hope it's not too cheesy and/or ridiculous.

My feminist task force meeting got canceled today, so I should have plenty of time to get primped and packed for DC. This weekend is going to be fabulous!

because i'm mad enough to spit nails...

... I'm just going to stick with a simple list of things on my mind and not write a diatribe about how I feel. Before that list, let me just say that there are some real downsides to having a blog that people can link to you. Granted, the average Joe who stumbles upon this corner of teh interwebs doesn't know me from a hole in the wall, but most of my close friends know exactly who's behind this page. Which means my latest troubles cannot really be placed here. Oh well, such is life.

Anyway. Today sucked royally. I didn't feel well, didn't get enough sleep, it was really rainy, and I'm tired of trying to jump through hoops to hang out with people. So I stayed home and was banned from working by my boss, who ordered me not to go online. Sigh. I spent most of the day sleeping, ate only 1.5 cupcakes and bitched to a few friends. While doing all of this, a few things crossed my mind.

1. I'm ready to go back to school. Like 5 minutes ago. I love my job and it's going swimmingly, especially now that I've switched teams, but I'm ready for the next big challenge and law school seems like it could be it. So I'm applying. Now for the dilemma - should I apply early? Right now my top choice is Hastings, a really good school in San Francisco. They have an early program, but it is binding and I'm not entirely sure I want to sign up for something binding just yet. We'll see, I suppose.

2. TG is being really good to me lately. I've been stressed about some things in NYC lately and I spent a lot of last night crying my eyes out and he's been really the only one that's shown much of an interest in finding out how I'm doing, which is funny because I didn't even think I'd really put my unhappiness out there. So I didn't expect anyone to say anything, but he did and he's been sending me links and stuff to cheer me up and told me that he's here for me whenever I need it. Sometimes, all you really want is for someone to just be there. And he is, so I'm happy.

3. I lately realized that I have absolutely no interest in looking for my birth parents. I guess it's a testament to my mom and dad that a desire I once had has pretty much been eradicated. I'd love to get a photo of them, though.

4. I would sell my brother for a piece of candy right now. Is that bad? In that vein, I have been eating horribly and doing no exercise. Somebody please smack me back into workout mode.

5. I've decided that I want to be hyper-social next week. Since I'm sure none of my usual peeps will be available, I've decided that I want to have a crazy, wild tear up NYC night with my friend Tall, who I haven't seen in ages. Also, my friend B is coming from Boston! Yay! I have book club on Wednesday, where we'll be discussing The Red Tent. So that really just leaves one more day I have to fill, so I should think of something fun to do.

I also have no patience to proofread this entry, so it probably makes no sense.