birthday party recap!

I hosted a small birthday party at my place on Saturday night. I'm not really sure what's going on with me, but I'm not really all that excited about my birthday. Maybe it's because I'm going to be traveling on the actual day, but I kind of don't feel like putting in too much effort. Luckily, the party went smoothly - it was about 15 people, nothing crazy, and I got to drink and chat with my friends. Plus, I wore a hot little dress and straightened my hair and looked nice.

In other news, it was the first time that POP met all of my friends. I had invited him last week and I wasn't sure if he was going to come. I mean, he had told me he would, but I wasn't sure what to expect because I think I'm still lacking some trust in how he feels about me because I'm an insecure mess. Exactly at 9 he texted me and told me he was jumping in the shower and was going to come right over. He arrived while the party was in full-swing and brought me some wine and cupcakes. I was nervous about how things would go because I knew he'd be a little shy, but all in all, he spoke more words than The Blexican ever did and everyone thought he was really nice. What I loved most of all was that he was all geeky with my engineer friends. I live in the Bay Area, so of course 85% of my guy friends are engineers and he got to chatting with them about coding things. Also, he really hit it off with MB's boyfriend which bodes well for future double dates. MB also chatted with him and really liked him and that makes me happy because she's like my best friend out here and I want her to like my man. He was the appropriate level of couply at the party - held my hand once or twice but in a discreet way. I don't like too much PDA, so I was happy with it.

Around midnight people started to filter out and I basically just wanted to rush everyone out so I could hook up with him (drinking makes me want to take my clothes off). He helped me clean up a little bit and we basically couldn't keep our hands off each other, so I decided to call it a night. Unfortunately, I was a little overeager and not tired at all, so I wouldn't let him sleep until 3am. I also need to stop being so aggressive when we hook up, I'm always bruising him (but I think he secretly likes it). New development - he now has a toothbrush at my place, so I guess that means we're getting more serious. He spent the night and we slept in until I had to go to brunch the next morning.

He's so cute and good to me when he stays over. It makes me happy thinking about all the sweet little things he says and does. Hopefully I get to see him before I leave for my trip. I also want to invite him out to this thing my friend is having down in Pescadero - I think he would like it. I would say last night was a success and I'm looking forward to getting closer to him in the future.

melancholy, again.

I'm tired of dating. I am so sick of it - the whole prospect just depresses me. You get really nervous about how things are going to go. Then things go pretty well and you're really happy - cautious, but happy. Then things go better and you start to lose that caution and get caught up in the sweeping nature of it all. You have someone to chat with, hold hands with, have meaningful conversations, and get intimate with. Sex happens and you grow closer and you start to feel good. Then, all of a sudden - the doubts. Unanswered texts, canceled plans, lack of enthusiasm on your partner's part. Anxiety is your middle name and you can't stop thinking about why that person finds it so easy to stop thinking about you. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I go from one extreme to the other. I date boys that fucking LOVE me and want to be with me all the time, but that I could care less about. Then I date guys that I fall head over heels for and who seem to have nothing more than a passing interest in me. It's really brutal out here. Nothing about it is easy. I just want to give up and stop toying with myself and my emotions.

There's that Albert Einstein quote that I find particularly applicable in this situation. "Insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Clearly, I am insane. A complete and total mental basket case. I don't know why I do this to myself. Why I put myself through this time and time again, hoping for better. There is no better. At least not for me. There is only this. I suppose I should just embrace it - drink myself silly until I go crazy, insane, or write the most epic shit I can. There are so many things I'm good at, maybe I should just try doing some of them and forget the relationship thing. Maybe I should just start sleeping with people indiscriminately again. It doesn't really fulfill you, but it does keep your bed warm and allows me to do a lot of the things I'm good at ;-) My good friend at work sent this to me on Friday and it's totally how I feel right now.

I don't even want to elaborate about my current situation, but here's the basic rundown. I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder from POP lately. We hung out on Thursday and things were good - or I thought they were. There was some weirdness, but I thought we had a good time, we had sex, we cuddled, plans were made for the weekend. Come today, plans are canceled and we're going to "hang out another time." Yeah, fuck that. I'm over it. Completely and totally over it. I can't chase people - I won't do it. I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to chase after friends who didn't want anything to do with me. So why the hell would I do it for a guy? Just bullshit. I don't have time for it. Thank goodness my work schedule is a fucking nightmare for the next month. That ought to help keep me busy and not thinking about this. In the meantime, I want alcohol and carbs. Going to work on that.

inspiration, perspiration, desperation.

These three themes have taken over my life recently and it's become seriously overwhelming. If I hadn't already had my period, I'd be convinced I was PMSing. Instead, I think I'm just having a crossroads moment. Going to the 20SB Summit stirred up a lot of emotions for me and has really challenged me to think about things. That, plus the craziness going on at my job and my personal life has me freaking out.

Inspiration. Going to the summit and meeting successful bloggers really made me want to get serious about my writing. I guess it wasn't even just limited to my blogging, but more to what I want to do with my life. I'm fairly happy with the current state of my job, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing what I'm meant to be doing. I think I'm getting closer and closer to finding the solution, but I'm not sure I'm 100% there yet. I know that I want to do something that ties together my planning skills, creativity, and desire not to have a normal desk job. I'd also like to have social media and tech be a part of it. So I'm working on that. I was also inspired this part Monday after attending a workshop for FemSexComm, a workshop on female sexuality that's getting started in San Francisco. I miss the sex-positive world and exploring issues of sex and sexuality. I think I want that to be part of my work, but obvs that ain't happening at my current job. So I'm thinking about potential side ventures to get me immersed in that world. More to come on that.

Perspiration. I am really working hard right now. After weeks of slacking, I'm picking it back up and hitting the ground running. I have two huge events coming up in September and I'm managing another major project for my manager, so I am really feeling stretched thin. I like it - it's enjoyable work and it feels good to be busy, but I just really want a weekend to myself, in my own apartment. It doesn't look like that's going to happen for a good, long while.

Desperation. I am so confused as to what the hell is going on with me and POP. I feel like his interest is waning or something is changing and I'm not sure what it is. I'm also tired, stressed, over-worked, and over-traveled, so I don't have as much time as I would like. I just wonder if he's busy or if I'm reading him wrong. I mean, we're supposed to hang out tonight, so I think things are okay, but I'm just desperate to know where we stand. It's not like I need any concrete "I wanna be your boyfriend" statements. But, I really would like to know how he's feeling about me and what's going on between the two of us. It's frustrating and makes me want to just hide in my room alone. Dating is just never an easy thing to do, is it? Constant struggle and back-and-forth. Oh, well. We'll see how tonight goes and what happens. I'm not terribly optimistic, though.

i'm having a lot of fun.

This week has been a ton of fun, even despite all of the work craziness. On Thursday, I headed to Mountain View and had lunch with POP. It was really nice - sitting out in the sun and talking. We had a really nice time, so he invited me to go to the Exploratorium After Dark with him and his two friends. He managed to get a car, so he picked me up from my site visit and we drove up to the city. We picked up his friend and then headed to the museum. It is seriously a testament to how much I like this boy that I survived this date and still felt like I had a good time.

What had happened was... we were supposed to go out with his friends, a married couple, but the husband canceled. So it was just the wife and it was really awkward. She wouldn't really engage in the conversation and I felt like the two of us (me and POP) were in our own little world and not really caring about her not wanting to be social. He seemed to want to be couply - holding my hands, putting his arm around my waist. I liked it, but I felt bad for this poor woman who seemed so out of it. Anyway, after the museum night, we drove back and he asked if we wanted to go out. She said yes and we went to the bar. I tried to win her over by buying her a drink, but she said she didn't want one. We tried to chat with her, but she didn't seem to want to, so we just talked amongst ourselves. We left after that and went to go get pizza, but she didn't want any of that. She looked super tired and just bored, so afterwards POP gave her his keys (I think she was staying with him) and said he was going to walk me home. It was awkward as all hell, but I didn't care because I wanted him to come over. So he came over and we started hooking up and he got a text from her saying that she was going to leave to go back to Berkeley (she lives on a boat docked in the Marina there). Since she had his keys and left the door to his Haight-Ashbury apartment unlocked, he had to leave to go get them. I didn't want to be alone, though, so I made him go get his keys and come back to sleep with me =) (in my bed, not have sex with me... I was still on my 'no sex' kick). We had a nice night and then he left the next morning.

I really wanted to get it on with him, so on Friday, I got a Brazilian (Jesus Christ, the pain! And it took like 45 min... I miss my old waxer) and when I got home from the Giants game, I called him to see if he would come over. Of course, he did and we spent the night together. Yeah, I'm over the 'no sex' thing now. It was nice to be intimate with someone again. I like when he stays over - he's so sweet to me. He's one of the few guys I've been with that compliments so many aspects of my being. Not just my body or my sexual skills, but also the person I am. He's really vocal about it and I like that. We spent the morning hooking up and then having a long discussion about our lives and interests. I feel like we're really getting to know each other. I like his devotion to his family and how intellectual he is. He gets dorkily excited about coding and engineer shit and I find that so sexy. I can tell his job is so important to him and that he really is dedicated to it.

This morning, when we finally got tired of laying in bed, I made him waffles and eggs and we ate breakfast. I like doing things for him - it makes me feel good. Afterwards, he went home to help his roommate out and we made plans to meet later. We took a nice motorcycle ride to the beach. At first it was super scary and I'm sure I was gripping the hell out of him on the bike, but after a while I relaxed and had a really fun time. He even took a picture of my on the bike and posted it to his Google+ account. Now I'm sitting at home, realizing that I haven't done anything to prepare for my mother's visit. My kitchen is a mess from cooking and my hair looks like a bramble bush. I also have no scheduled plans. Yeahhh, I'm fucked. This boy is ruining my list-making, organized life! Anyway, I need to go be productive and shit. Happy weekend!

stepping it up a little bit.

I'm getting a little antsy in regards to things with POP and I really feel like the only way I'm going to get the results I desire it to kick it up a notch. I'm fine with the fact that we are both busy individuals and can really only get together once or twice a week (even though I desperately want to see him like ALL the time, even though I know I have plenty of other commitments). However, I'm really starting to get tired of being a lady. It's not as much fun as I thought it would be. It mostly requires a lot of patience, cold showers, and restless evenings. I think I'm ready to stop being a lady and start getting serious. I know that POP hasn't had too many relationships in the past since he wrote that on his online dating profile. I don't think he's a virgin - I mean, he's certainly hooked up with girls before, I'm just not sure to what extent. He's just one of those super respectful guys who values women, yada yada. I know these are good qualities to have in a man you're dating and I'm glad that he seems to really care about treating women properly. We were discussing a friend of his brother's that he doesn't like and when he was telling me why, one of the reasons was "he's a real asshole to women." I was happy to know that that's something he thinks is important because it means that he will be a decent human being and not treat me like crap. All good things.

Anyway, the point is - I want to have sex. Some form of it. Sometime soon. Yes, I've heard the arguments for waiting and taking it slow, but I really don't want to. I enjoy hooking up - it's one of my favorite parts of a relationship and it's also one of my biggest insecurities. I need to make sure that he wants to be with me physically. If I were a supermodel, I wouldn't care about such things, but as a mere mortal with mere mortal self-esteem issues, I need that kind of lustful desire. I'm not saying I don't think it's there (I mean, he tells me I'm beautiful and stuff), but I just want it to manifest into us doing something more than holding hands and making out.

I'm putting my thinking cap on for ways I can completely wow him this weekend when we (hopefully) hang out. Of course, because I'm a psycho planner, I want it to be absolutely amazing. I mean, I'm an event marketer, this is what I do - I create pleasing experiences for consumers that attract them to the brand. The experience makes them want to engage and hopefully come back for more. This is no different - I'm selling him on the CJ brand and hopefully, in the process, completely blowing his mind and making him decide he wants to form a relationship. I've always viewed dating and relationships in this way - I like putting my best foot forward and really giving it my all. If I care, that is - which I do in this instance. I have a lot of appointments to make and some shopping to do, but this really is the fun part of dating for me. I was probably some kind of courtesan in a former life. =P

i have a serious problem.

And that problem is that I go to sleep at inappropriate times and wake up 6 hours later being all WTF?! That just happened, and as a result, it's 12:35am and I am *wired.* I'm going to go see a doctor because I'm a little concerned. I've been falling asleep at inappropriate times and sleeping for far longer than a person should. I also have been gaining weight (or at least I think I am) and it seems to be sticking with me, even though I'm seeing a trainer and am much more active than I used to be. I'm concerned something is wrong with my thyroid. So yeah, need to take care of that.

But, on the plus side, I can update my blog now that I'm up! Yay! I had a nice day today, which I spent with POP. I told him I wanted to play with guns this weekend, so he told me he would take me to the range. I went over to his house and he invited me up. We chatted for a bit and he showed me some pictures he had taken of some work party. Then he took out these replica guns and gave me a little tutorial on how to shoot them. It was cute. I found it incredibly sexy that he knows so much about guns. He showed me how to hold the gun and then gave me some targets to shoot at. I hit them! Yay me! Before we left, he asked me if I wanted to meet his roommate. Of course, I said yes, because I wanted to get a good look at her. She was really nice and we chatted for a bit. He had definitely told her about me and she was cute about it. I always wonder what boys talk about with their friends and if they talk about the girls they're dating. I guess he does because she didn't seem surprised to see me or that we were going out. She also made comments like "it's so cute that you both ______" So yay! I'm not a secret!

Anyways, we grabbed some chai and then headed out in his car to drive down to South San Francisco to the range. It was really nice - I like that we talk about everything and there are rarely any lulls. I mean, driving around with someone you don't know well can be crazy awkward, but this wasn't at all. We got there and unfortunately, there was a 2 hour wait! So we were like, ummm screw that. We decided to drive to Half Moon Bay and go to the beach there and do a little picnic and eat lunch. It was really nice - went grocery shopping for some stuff and then chilled on the beach. He held my hand - it was cute. Stayed out for a couple of hours and then drove back home. He dropped me off at my apartment and we had a nice goodbye kiss and then I headed inside where I proceeded to sleep like a dead person (ugh, what is wrong with me).

So yeah - we're going to hang out at work on Thursday when I head down to headquarters for the day and then we're going to make plans for what we'll do next weekend. One thing I really like about him is that he always seems so excited to see me and we both have these super dopey smiles on our faces when we hang out. It just feels good to feel happy. He's always all talking about what we're going to do in the future and saying things like "next time we..." or "we should do [insert activity here]" It feels nice to know that he wants to do things with me in the future. I really do wish we were screwing, but I guess I can wait. He seems to "respect women" and all that. Although, I wish he would disrespect me. I'm currently thinking of all the ways I would like to be disrespected - haha. I'm having these bouts of extreme horniness and they're killing me. I'm going to be humping chairs pretty soon if I don't get something. But anyway... yeah, things are good. I'm happy. He seems happy. Life is sweet =)

date #3

Yay! I'm finally blogging at 2:48AM because I cannot sleep all due to going to bed at around 6:30pm. My sleep schedule is so fucked it's not even funny. Anyway, the date! Yay! I'm really happy right now and all smiley and girly and silly, which is so not me. I rarely get excited about the men I'm dating, so I'm happy that I really like this one. He seems like a really good person and we get along so well - it's just really easy and that's nice.

On Wednesday night, we met up to get Puerto Rican food in the Haight and he sent me a sweet "looking forward to seeing you" text like 20 minutes before. I am happy to report that no one harassed me while I was waiting for him to come to the restaurant. Yay! Because I am an idiot alcoholic, I suggested that we split a pitcher of sangria. Even after the waitress pretty much told me a half-pitcher was a better idea. Because damnit, no one is going to tell me I can't finish a pitcher of anything!!! That ended up being a really bad idea the next morning when my head was pounding from all that red wine. Never again. Seriously, poor life decisions. But, anyhow. The date was nice - we talked about lots of things and joked around and it was good. He told me I looked really pretty and I always love those sorts of compliments (even when I have difficulty believing them). After dinner and the pitcher, I invited him over. He checked out my place and spent time looking at my books. Luckily none of them scared him. I always forget to put stuff away, so I had the following awesome titles up on my bookshelf - Laid, Virgin, Slut, Cunt, and my personal fave The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. I don't know what men think of me when they come to my apartment. So we sat on the couch and he immediately went in for the kiss, which was nice - I like a little aggression. Turned the lights off and did the making out thing for a while until I was so exhausted I had to stop him. I mean, I go to bed before 10pm on a regular basis and it was already 11:30pm. Staying up that late is rough for me.

I didn't want him to leave, though, so I asked him if he wanted to go into the bedroom and lay down. It was really innocent - he didn't pressure me at all. All we did was kiss. I mean, he barely even touched my chest. It was all very PG-13 and I like that we're taking that stuff slowly. Not that I don't want to jump him. I was definitely super fucking aroused, as was he, but he didn't make a big deal out of it and it wasn't awkward. It was very chill. He says the sweetest things, too. He told me that he's happier than he's been in a while and that he's really glad he met someone as "beautiful, intelligent, and interesting" as I am. That was like the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I think he literally hit on all of the things I want men to see in me. It felt good to hear. When I asked him what he was doing this weekend, he was all "Hopefully spending a lot of time with you." Swoon. So we're hanging out this weekend - he's thinking either a nice motorcycle ride to the beach or we may go to a shooting range. I told him about my crazy desire to shoot a gun after seeing the movie Zombieland so he wants to take me there. I'm stoked!

Anyhow, he stayed over the night since I didn't want him to leave. We spent a lot of time cuddling and talking. I felt badly cuz I can never sleep in, so I made him get up at 6am to talk to me and keep me company. I'm sure my neighbors hate me because he had me cracking up hysterically telling me stories about his friends. I apologized for making him wake up, but he told me he didn't mind if it meant spending more time with me. I let him sleep for a bit while I got ready for work and then we both headed out. So yay! Date #3. I don't even have words - I'm just smiling like a crazy person. Oh how I've missed feeling this way about someone. It's so rare for me!

in other signs of maturity...

Boo! POP canceled, which makes me sad. Unfortunately, there is a crazy amount of traffic on the way up from Monterey, so he probably won't get in until around 9:30pm or so. BUT, he did *call* me to tell me and then we had a really nice conversation about our weekends and he apologized profusely. He said he had really been looking forward to it, so he's sad to have to cancel. Luckily, we're both around this week, so we made tentative Wednesday plans as a do-over. He also asked me if I'd be down at headquarters this week at all for us to have lunch. I don't think I have any meetings down there, but if something comes up, obviously I want to do lunch. I'm not upset, though, or insecure about the progression of the relationship, so that makes me feel mature! I just hate how sloooowwwwly everything is going. You know how impatient I am. But, good things come to those who wait and all that jazz, so I shall wait! Also, I am happy that we can talk on the phone and that he's not one of those jackwads who texts you to cancel. Yay for maturity on both sides!

home sweet home.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life in San Francisco and how much I'm enjoying things this time around. I wonder what makes this particular time in my life so positive, when I absolutely hated San Francisco the first time I lived here. Regardless of the reason, I'm really starting to consider this place home and I don't know if I could ever live anywhere else. Maybe I'm growing up? Scary thought. I'm even considering *gasp* becoming a Giants fan. I mean, I will always bleed pinstripes and the Yankees are my team for life (CJ + NYY = Tru <3 4Eva), but I went to a Giants game with my team on Friday night and I miss going to live baseball games! I need a West Coast team to get me through the season. Plus, I love the Giants bleacher seats and pretty much want to live there week to week.

The last time I lived here, I was so passive about everything. I was passive making friends, I was passive dating, and I was passive about my job. I just let things happen to me without any action on my part and that was a huge part of me being unhappy. That plus medical drama, a really shitty "boyfriend," and not enough social outlets made me a complete Debbie Downer. Things are much improved now and I consider this place home. I've made a ton of new friends, both at work and outside of it. I'm doing the whole sorority alumni thing and I'm finally dating guys who are really good human beings. There may be something to this maturity thing.

Anyhow, it's Sunday, so I'm preparing for another date with POP. Puerto Rican food in the Haight and then "taking it easy," which hopefully means hooking up. But no sex, because I am a lady - haha, j/k, no sex because my waxer is on vacation! I'm super nervous, but extremely excited to see him. I think we're finally making progress on this whole text communication thing. Normally our texts are so transactional - meet here, dinner there, at this time - but on Friday, I finally got him to get a little bit more flirtatious via text message. You all know how I feel about sexting - I need the chance to show off my skills! I'm also determined to look smoking hot tonight - makeup, big jewelry, big hair, big boobs. I really need to bring my A game tonight!

date #2

Yup, two posts in one day! Mostly because I'm going to Arizona tomorrow for work and who knows when I'll have the energy to post. So here it is: date #2 with POP. It was a really short date - like 90 minutes - but really amazing. Neither of us could stick around long since I have a 7:45am flight tomorrow and he has a project for work he needs to get done. We met up at Miller's East Coast Deli (my suggestion, since we both miss Jewish food and New York). {Sidenote: yes, I broke my cleanse and ate two things I shouldn't have, but due to the fact that I have a mandatory tasting for work tomorrow I figured I might as well go off for the day. Back on the wagon later this week!} I got there early and of course, some black dude started harassing me. YES, I realize that I am one of like 10 black women in San Francisco, but seriously --- can you not talk to me when I'm waiting for my date?! And can you also not give me your card while I'm waiting for my date?! UGH. Anyways, he showed up as I was talking to this guy, which was awkies. Luckily, the dude looked crazy and was drunk, so I'm hoping he knew that I wasn't interested.

We sat down inside and looked at the menu, started discussing why people are always talking to me (it happened before Date #1, too). He says I have a very friendly face and demeanor. I'm like - damn, I must be on my first date best behavior because nobody who knows me would say I have a friendly face. I'm constantly giving mad bitch face to guys in the street. We ordered knishes and latkes and then got to looking at the menu. I had eaten already, in the hopes that I wouldn't gorge myself on shit I shouldn't be eating, but I couldn't resist ordering matzoh ball soup. I think he was impressed with my knowledge of Jewish cuisine (thank you, Long Island!) and we chatted and talked for a while. He makes me laugh, which I like. I also like that we talk about our families - that's important to me. I just really like him, which is why I freak out about every little thing. I haven't been this excited about a guy from the start since The Engineer, and that ended with my heart being broken.

Anyway, he did four things on the date that made me happy.

1. I told him I had to be up at 5am to get to the airport and he offered to give me a ride. Okay, for those of you who don't know - this is an important gesture to me. When I was deathly ill with my blood clot a few years back and coming back to SF, that twat waffle I used to date (TG) refused to pick me up from the airport. So now, anytime a guy offers me a ride to the airport, I want to instantly hug and kiss them. Of course, I told him that was not necessary and that my job would pay and there's no way I would let him get up that early to drive me to the airport (especially after only two dates), but seriously, the offer was super sweet. I couldn't believe it.
2. He aggressively grabbed the check to pay for dinner, which always makes me swoon. I love when a guy is just like "Nope, this is on me. Don't even think about paying." 
3. He expressed an extremely strong desire to see me in the future. Anytime I would talk about a restaurant I wanted to visit or something I wanted to do, he was like "we should do that sometime." Like every time. I found it incredibly endearing. Also, at the end, he was like "I really want to see you again. When are you back from your trip? We should definitely go out this week or this weekend." We tentatively have plans for Wednesday, since I get back Tuesday night =)
4. He told me he would give me a ride on his motorcycle whenever I wanted. I know what you're thinking, perverts, but he actually owns a motorcycle. He rode it to the date, so when we left, he asked if I wanted to see it, which (duh!) I did. He then told me he would take me around on it anytime I wanted. I had to resist the urge to strip naked and offer myself to him right there, haha. I may have reacted a little too strongly with an enthusiastic YES, but I'm sorry, riding on the back of his motorcycle sounds hot. 

So yeah, that's how it went down. Pray that my neurosis does not get in the way of what it seeming to be a pretty awesome trajectory of dating events.

i can't stop being a morning person.

I'm still in this weird mental space right now, but I love getting up early in the morning, especially on weekends. It's so nice how peaceful everything is. I mean, it's 9:30am and I've already knocked off 15 things on my To Do List. Progress! I'm nervous about tonight, but I'm also slightly apathetic and not really expecting much, which could make this the worst or best date ever. I've just resigned myself to not caring about what happens because in the long run, it's not really going to matter anyway. Of course, I'm still me, so that means I'm getting *another* manicure - he commented on my nails last date, so if I have the same color he's going to notice - and I've picked out the perfect outfit to be casual (jeans) yet sexy (cleavage). I kind of want to get some kind of action tonight, if possible. I mean, not sex - I have to visit my waxer before sex is a possibility - but kissing would work. Maybe second base. I'm sticking to my usual motto of "If all else fails, whore it up!" I think I can safely say, I've never wasted an opportunity to get it on.

In other news, I'm thinking about what I want to focus on to get my mind off of things. There's so much I've been neglecting lately and so many things I want to do. I want to write my socks off. I want to put every single piece of me into something - a novel, a screenplay, a hilarious send-up of 20-something life in the 21st century. I want to learn how to cook for once and for all. I want to work out until my body aches, until I'm so sore that I can't move. I want to channel all of the energy I have into a multitude of activities so that I end each day exhausted, but fulfilled. Life is short and I feel old sometimes. I would need five lifetimes to do everything I've always wanted, so if I want to even make a dent, I need to start now. So I find myself getting up earlier and earlier each day in pursuit of fulfilling my dreams.

erm, ignore me, please.

So, um, yeah. Crisis averted and the boy wrote back explaining why he hadn't written back (out partying for a birthday, phone died, woke up late, missed shuttle/work, etc) and reiterating that he'd like to go out again. So we have a date tomorrow for knishes and drinks. I'm officially the world's biggest jackass/neurotic and I need to chill the fuck out. Someone please kill me and end this misery that is living inside of my head. I'm not going to take back all of what I said last post, but I do feel like a colossal tool in a lot of ways. I know that I have to be patient and all, but after 25 years of being patient (almost 26!) --- I just can't do it all the time. Sometimes I panic and that panic is why I wish I was asexual or that I could opt out of the dating game altogether.

I told one of my friends that I believe that some people just aren't meant to be loved and that I think I'm one of them. Maybe it's not that I'm not meant to be loved, but that I'm not meant to be loved by anyone that I want to love me. Men are usually intrigued by me in some may. I know how to capture male attention (both romantic and platonic). I grew up with boys, have a sense of how they operate, and I know how to be appealing to them on a variety of levels. I'm not thin, I'm not even particularly attractive, but I have really big boobs and give off a slightly slutty vibe know how to have fun, how to be interesting, how to carry on a conversation, and how to make people laugh. That has always served me well with getting boys to flirt with me, kiss me, sleep with me. Yet, I still don't have the love that I crave. The only man who's ever loved me (that I know of, at least) is a man that I was pretty much indifferent to. When I like a guy a lot, it is always bound to end poorly for me.

Which brings me back to my point - maybe I'm just not meant to be loved. I think I have a pretty realistic picture of the person I was and the person I've become. Good things don't always happen to everyone and I think I'm starting to become comfortable with the fact that this whole love thing will always be a struggle for me. There's one thing my best friend said to me recently that struck a chord. She said, "I hate when people tell me that someday I'll meet some guy who is going to love me for who I am. Because the reality is that I might not get that. That is a very real possibility. And it won't necessarily be because I don't want it badly enough. It could be because it just doesn't happen. I need to live with the reality of that." I'm slowly coming around to her reality and trying not to view it as a negative, but as a simple part of life.

I mean, all in all, I've had a good run of things (spoken as though I'm going to die tomorrow, lol) and I lead a pretty awesome life considering how things started off for me. Black bastard children don't often get breaks out here in America. I'm lucky to have been adopted by two amazingly wonderful human beings who provided me with a wonderful education, allowing me to get a damn good job, a kick-ass apartment that I don't have to share, and amazing friendships that sustain me. It's not too hard to find contentment within that.

i am epically lame.

Ugh, I'm in such a depressed mood today and it makes me upset. Of course, I'm mad about this dumb boy (who I texted and received no response from - womp womp), but I think it's made worse by the fact that I'm on a cleanse and I can't really eat anything. Without carbs, sugar, or alcohol, how am I supposed to make it through life's difficult moments?!?!?! Mothereffer! Instead, I'm sitting here at work, dead ass tired due to the midnight Harry Potter showing and dreaming of the single rice cake with almond butter I'll be allowed to eat upon my return home. Needless to say, I am pathetic. I can haz my dignitee bak, plz?

I was super happy I saw HP7.2 last night, though. Went with a bunch of work girls and some of their friends. It was a great movie - AMAZING - and I cried like a baby for most of it. I may go home tonight and read the last book again and weep over the Snape storyline (I'll refrain from spoiling it), which is my favorite part of the whole series. Since I can't drink, I will watch epic amounts of DVR and dance around in my underwear to Selena Gomez.

I don't even want to get into my feelings about my current dating situation and how much I just hate everything and want to opt out. It would be great if I could just wake up and be asexual. Or - even better, if I can wake up a man. I don't know if I've shared this with the blog yet, but the BFF has always told me that when we're 40 and single (yes, that's a *when* not an if) we should get married and have a bomb ass party and get a NY Times wedding announcement. I mean, two black Ivy-educated lesbians, and one is a conservative?! We would be New York Times gold! Lately, though the plan has changed. When I'm 40 and single, I'm getting a fucking sex change so I can become a man and have all the agency and power I want, as well as the freedom to be alone if that's how it falls out. Although, I'm pretty sure if I was a dude, mad women would want to get with me. I have a good job, a 401K, my own apartment, a pretty busy social life, and I can listen to all of your work drama and even chime in. Ladies, I'm a keeper!

this is why i hate dating.

Honestly, it turns me into a neurotic ball of mush, ridiculously self-conscious and qustioning. It makes me question every move I make, every sentence uttered, every truth told. The problem is - I analyze everything to death. I am a habitual analyzer, which makes interactions with other people incredibly difficult because I'm always playing and replaying certain moments in my head, trying to gauge how the other person viewed them.

Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent. The point is that POP guy hasn't called/texted to set up date 2 and I am freaking the fuck out. I'm trying to figure out if I misjudged his interest - maybe he didn't have as good a time as he said he did. Or maybe once I left, the magic wore off and he was kinda like 'eh.' Then, there's the part of me that's like - well, when we corresponded online we would often take 3 or 4 days to reply to each other, so maybe this is like that. Maybe he's busy - I mean, people get busy. Shit - I've been doing social things all week, so it's not like I don't have my own life. Then, I get to thinking that maybe it shouldn't be his job to contact me, if I'm interested in him. The feminist in me is all, "if you want something go and get it," but the traditionalist in me wants to be courted. Dilemma.

I always struggle with this. I am a progressive, open, liberal-minded girl about most things, but I have this strain of traditionalist views that always pops out when dating is concerned. In my day-to-day life, I am pretty aggressive. I don't think most people would categorize me as such, because I'm not in your face or anything about it, but I'm extremely competitive and I go for what I want. I was taught by my mother that the world was never going to give me anything - I was going to have to take it and that's how I operate. My new job? I got it because I was aggressive. I badgered the right people and I got the ball rolling FAST. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't passive about making my interests known. Dating, though, has always been different for me. With the exception of my amazing seduction of The Banker, I'm a passive dater. I tend to just go with things, which is why I end up with assholes like TG and The Intellectual or in relationships with guys I don't really work well with, like The Blexican. Maybe it's time for me to stop being a passive dater.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to barrel over men or act desperate or emasculate anyone, but I think that I can go about this in a completely different way. I think there's nothing wrong with taking a little initiative and letting a guy know you're interested, as long as it's done properly. Sometimes I feel bad that guys have to guess how women feel about them. Especially since I know that I am extremely coy and hard to read. So maybe, if I give a little bit of encouragement, I can get what I want. Not sure if I'm completely comfortable with taking the reins on this, but it's 2011, not 1911. I think it may be time for me to mix it up. Thoughts?

date night.

Finally getting around to blogging about the date. Life has been busy and I've been exhausted, so this is a little bit late. Anyway, it was an amazing date. Like really, really good. Not because of anything we did, but more just the ease of communication. There were never any lulls in the conversation and we just had a really good time enjoying each other's company.

Prior to the date, I was SO nervous. I mean, the prospect of spending the early evening in the park with a stranger was daunting. I mean, what if he didn't talk? Or if we instantly hated each other on sight? I was terrified. I got over it, though, put on a dress, did my hair, nails and feet and went to Golden Gate Park. When he came over, he looked exactly like he did in his pictures - a little scruffier, but I like scruff, so that was a plus. We walked through the park and chatted about our lives - the schools we went to (his brother went to my alma mater), what TV shows and books we like, our jobs, and pretty much everything under the sun. We got to some benches and he asked if I wanted to sit, so we sat and chatted some more. We got to talking about food and I confessed my hatred of chocolate, which launched a long discussion about what we like to eat. That gave him the perfect segue to ask me to dinner. I said yes, and he took me to this Chinese place near my house. The food was really good and again, conversation was excellent. I think we have similar temperaments (we're both sarcastic, we both curse, and we both like to laugh). It was nice to just feel a connection to someone that quickly.

After dinner, he asked me if I would like to grab a drink with him at a bar near his house. We dropped the leftovers over at his place and then went to the bar. More conversation - about our parents and what they do, sports teams (he's from MA but not a Red Sox fan - praise Jesus!), and our respective views on alcohol and drugs. After the bar, he asked me if I wanted to go to his place to have a glass of really good whiskey. Since he didn't seem like a creeper, I said yes. We got to his place, he poured the (amazing) whiskey and put on some music. We sat close together on the couch, and just chatted for a while. Then he did the whole sneaky 'arm around me' thing, which made me giggle a little. He asked me if I was having a good time because he was having a really good time. I said yes and we kind of snuggled for a bit and talked some more. He looked like he wanted to kiss me, but he went for a really sweet kiss on the cheek instead. More talking and then I asked to use the bathroom. When I got back, I figured I should get going since I had training the next day. He walked me to the door and I gave him a quick kiss and we both said how much fun we had and how we hope to do it again soon.

Now is the hard part. The waiting. Waiting for him to call me and tell me he wants to see me. I'm just so nervous and insecure that he's going to fall off the face of the earth, the way The Intellectual did after our first date. I mean, he said he had fun and it seemed sincere, but you just never know. So now, I wait.

dating update!

So much has happened in the past couple of weeks with my dating life - I feel like I'm in a warped version of How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I have been in this weird nebulous dating funk for a while now, which always happens when I break up with someone. To add insult to injury, I don't feel like I look like my best self right now, so not only am I single, I'm not even attractive! Anyway, I'll rag about my looks in a subsequent entry, right now I'm talking about dating.

I've been getting more male attention than I have in a long time. I don't know why this is, but it's like whenever I go somewhere that isn't where I live, boys wanna chat me up. In SF, I might as well be invisible! So, while I've been in New York, it's been nice to have some male attention and start to feel like I'm getting back into my old self. I love flirting. Seriously, if I could flirt all day, I would. I find the whole art of it to be intriguing and exciting. I hate when I get out of practice, so it was nice to have a couple of weeks to beef up my skills.

In other people's dating news, The Blexican is now in a Facebook-official relationship with this chick. Normally, I would have to go out and drink a bottle of wine to feel better about that, but honestly, I don't care! Also, College BFF told me that she looks "extra regular." God, I love that girl! I saw the status update last night while I was texting this new guy (let's call him POP for now - short for perfect on paper - if he ends up being amazing when I meet him, we'll change that) and I just didn't feel anything. Instead I was excited to be texting a new boy and thinking about the possibility of meeting someone I click with.

POP and I have a date on Sunday at Golden Gate Park, which is near where we both live. I'm actually really excited. He seems like a nice guy and we have a lot in common and true to his nickname, he seems pretty amazing on paper. He's extremely well-educated, works at my company, likes technology, has friends, is active and social, and loves lots of New York things that I also love. We've already bonded over our quest to find a good knish in San Francisco. I'm feeling hopeful about everything, even though I'm nervous as hell. I just want to come off as interesting, vibrant, funny, and sexy. I'm still stressing over outfit and hair choice, but I have some time to think it over and/or go on a shopping spree. I'll keep you posted about how it goes. Wish me luck!

to sext or not to sext?

I got an email the other day from my friend SG, who I've known ever since we met as young high school kids at a summer program in Providence. She sent me this article, a CNN piece about the Anthony Weiner dick pic scandal. Basically, the article is about how common sexting is and that the pictures themselves aren't the scandal, it's more the lying and cheating behind it. I have to say, I tend to agree. I didn't really think the picture thing was such a huge deal, mostly because so many folks are doing it. What made it shady was that some of the pics were unsolicited, homeboy was married, and when he got caught he lied about it. This shouldn't shock you, but I'm a longtime sender and receiver of naked pics and I think there's absolutely nothing deviant about it. However, there are certain ground rules that one should obey when sending snapshots of your naughty bits to another person. Here are my 8 rules for sexting without consequences.

1. If you are even remotely famous or in any kind of position of power, just don't do it. See the thing is, I'm a nobody, so I can photograph my pikachu whenever I want and no one gives a shit. The Congressmen from New York, unfortunately, was not in the same position, so he should've kept it in his pants. People love a good political scandal and that stuff always comes out. Plus, if you're in that position you're probably old and don't really know what you're doing when it comes to Twitter or Facebook. Stick with hookers and blow. I know it's cliche, but at least you come off looking like less of a n00b.
2. If you're a (straight) dude, do not send an unsolicited picture of your dick to anyone. Unless we ask for it, we really don't want to see your junk. Also, if it's unsolicited, I feel no obligation to keep it private, so I'm probably going to send it to at least two of my friends. You've been warned.
3. Keep your face out of it. For the love of all that is holy, do NOT include your face in your dirty pictures. That way, if you misjudge your partner and their discretion, you can always deny that it's you.
4. Don't give pictures away, broker a trade. Why should you be the only one giving away your digital goodies? Make it sexy and ask your partner to send you some pics as well. That way, you both get something naughty and it's also great collateral if something should go wrong. I'll show you mine if you show me yours =)
5. Only sext a partner you truly trust. Sending pictures to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you meet online or at a bar is a surefire way to end up embarrassed. Stick to sharing with people you know are not going to send it to their friends. The fact is, people are assholes and in this culture of viral videos, Twitter, and constant Facebook updates, they're used to sharing any and everything with 1,000 of their friends and acquaintances. If you wait til you're comfy with your partner before sharing intimate photos, it ups your chances that they won't share them with their friends.
6. Never ever send photos from an email address with your first and last name listed. I'm the queen of multiple email addys and I make sure that I send all my dirty business from an email address with a generic name and no identifying information.
7. Quadruple-check your recipient, whether you're texting or emailing. The last thing you want to do is send naked pictures to your mother, when you meant to text Mike. 
8. Delete the evidence. I once had a bunch of naked photos of myself on my camera, which I then proceeded to leave at a New Years Eve party hosted by this guy I was crushing on. Needless to say, I was *mortified* that he would try to scan through the pics to see whose camera is was and find me in all my glory. I panicked like whoa. Luckily, I got the camera back and I don't think he saw the photos, but the moral of the story is - delete that shit. You never know who will find your camera or be playing around on your phone.

That's it for my rules. Let me know if I missed anything. Happy sexting!

getting back on that horse.

Yup, that's right! The online dating horse - I think it's time for me to get back on. I still don't think I'm going to enjoy it and I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm bored and when I'm bored I tend to feel the need to do something, so here I am doing something. Plus, I need to stop sleeping with The Blexican (after Thursday, though... haha) and this will help.

The problem is, I'm monogamous to a fault. It's really funny, because most of my friends will tell you that I'm one of the least prude people they know. I love experimenting with sex and I've done tons of research on open relationships and alternative lifestyles. Even with all that, I prefer having sex with one person at one time. I don't like to hop from bed to bed - I respect those that do, but it's not me. After any long-term sexual relationship, I feel weird the first time I sleep with someone else. I think that could be why I prolong all of my men and take a really long time to stop sleeping with my exes. I just like the familiarity. Usually, the only thing that causes me to stop sleeping with someone is if they royally fuck it up, they lose interest (which is a rare occurrence... I'm just sayin'), or I get into another relationship. So it's time for me to get into another relationship or I'm going to be hooking up with Blexican for years. I can't help it - he's just too nice to me and loves me and does all the things I like. Plus, now that we're not in a relationship, I've gotten him to be more aggressive and stop feeling like he needs to impress me. ANYWAY.

I was scanning his profile online last night (yeah, I know it's weird, but I'm a stalker, so whatever) and I feel like his new description really sums up who he is. I have this problem where I can't ever seem to write a dating profile that captures the full essence of who I am. I think that I have so many different pieces of my personality and when I write I usually try to focus on one. Like this blog persona. Cleopatra Jones is a carefully cultivated character, an alter ego of mine that I've spent a ton of time developing and perfecting. So when I write online profiles, I slip back into that mode of describing myself as a persona and never really touching on the full version of myself.

That's the problem, though. The real me is so complicated. I'm so *difficult* and confusing and ridiculously multi-faceted. I'm borderline schizophrenic! How do you capture that in a profile without making yourself sound like a certified nutjob? I mean, I know I am a certified nutjob, but I'm a fun, intelligent, crazy-in-the-good-way nutjob. I always end up dating these men that are so... for lack of a better word, boring. I need someone who is going to captivate me and throw me for a loop and make me feel like I don't know what they're going to say next. I just don't seem to meet men like that. So basically, I need some serious help with this profile thing. I know I'm opening up the floodgates here (and also opening up the possibility for the sound of crickets), but anyone want to venture to describe me in a couple of sentences. I'm curious to hear what others see in me that I don't see in myself.

love life update!

Because I wouldn't be completely honest if I didn't touch on this for a brief moment in time. So yes, I am officially single and on the prowl market. I'm not actively hunting for a man, but I certainly wouldn't say no to one if he were presented to me. I guess I'm spending more and more of my days focusing on building new friendships and working on my career. I haven't really thought too much about dating in any organized way, which is nice for a change. I'm just going to try and get involved with as many activities as I can, go to everything I'm invited to, and hope to meet cool people along the way. It sounds like a good plan, one that won't drive me insane when I don't get the results I want. I'm tired of looking for boys. I just want one to show up at some point and make me forget about the ones that came before.

I'm still sort of seeing The Blexican, not in any concrete way, but we hang out and sleep together on occasion. It's nice to get that, scratch the itch. I enjoy spending time with him, but I make sure to keep it to a minimum so it doesn't feel like dating. I know I should just end it, but I'm one of those nostalgic lingerers who's always holding on to the past. I don't want to hurt him, but since it hurts me too, I just justify it as being okay. Not the best way to go about it, but it is what it is. To be honest, I'm traveling so much in the next two months that I doubt we'll see much of each other. I wouldn't mind going on a date with someone else, if that was possible. I'd like to have at least one crush/date/obsession before the end of the summer. If only to make me feel attractive and desirable again. I'm slowly gaining my confidence back, baby step by baby step. Here's hoping I have something more interesting to report in the next couple of weeks.

i have a boyfriend. this is weird.

So, I haven't been posting anything substantial lately and I'm so sorry! Haha - life has been kind of busy with working late nights and now my travel to NYC (yay! I'm here!). I haven't had too much time to post about the most substantial thing to happen to me in a good, long while. Yes, that's right - I am in a relationship. The Blexican (should I still call him that?) asked me if I was his girlfriend on Sunday night after I cooked for him and I actually said yes. It's Facebook official (God, I hate Facebook even more than I usually do) and my parents know and it's out there and real.

The verdict: I'm not as terrified as I thought I would be. Although, I'm still pretty terrified. Relationships scare me and I find them weird. I took the whole of Sunday night to repeat the word 'boyfriend' aloud as I sat doing work. "My boyfriend and I," "Well, my boyfriend said," "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." I must've sounded like a proper idiot, but when you've never had something and then you have it, it's strange.

I think this whole process - the dating and the subsequent relationship - have really made me think about myself. The fact is, being single has become a defining part of my identity. Having it taken away from me (even if it's by an incredibly sweet, wonderful guy) is scary. It's like if someone called me tomorrow and told me I wasn't black. It just throws me for a loop. I think that's the thing that so many of my friends don't understand. My singleness is a huge part of my life. It's something I've guarded, treasured, and grown accustomed to. I like being able to do whatever I want. I like not having to weight my boyfriend against my friends on a given night. I like going on trips solo without checking in with someone else. I tend to live my life on the seat of my pants and being single has allowed me the freedom to make monumental decisions without checking in with anyone else. If I want to move cross-country 3 times in 3 years, I can do it and it doesn't matter.

This is new territory for me, having to think about someone else's feelings and incorporate them into my plans. Like, obviously I should invite him to my company's holiday party (check. done.). But what about my New Years plans with my friends - am I obligated to invite him? It's this kind of stuff that kills me. I'm just not sure what to do. I mean, I'm excited in a way to have someone now, but to be honest, I've never really craved the attentions of a man in the 'boyfriend' sense so I alternate between being happy and being 'meh' about the whole thing. I think it'll just take some time for me to get used to it. And since I like him and think he's really awesome, I want to try harder to make this thing work. I'll be sure to keep you all posted along the way...