i need a break from my life right now.

Everything is happening wayyyy too quickly right now and I need a break. I'm busy at work catching up from the conference I've been at for the past two days and I realize I've royally shit the bed on some tasks I've got. I'm also thinking about my future career trajectory and have had a bunch of meetings with different people about where I think my job is going and where I want it to go. Top that off with tons of social events since my work BFF is leaving to go back to NYC AND a trip to Vegas on Saturday and I feel like I'm drowning in life. There's just too much to do and not enough time. Tonight, Blexican and I are going to the movies and then he's going to come stay over so I can cuddle and have a massage - haha. I got my period yesterday and it sucks! Cramps cramps cramps and I can't even get laid. Rawr. I just need some *me* time. I'm looking forward to next Monday, which I'm taking off to tool around the city. I'll write back with tales of Vegas and debauchery at the end of the weekend!

i lost my phone and i hate the world.

I lost my precious baby Nexus One phone in a cab last night and I will most likely never get it back. The battery was dead so I can't even call it and I have no idea what taxi cab I was in because I paid in cash. Wow. I also have my period and cramps. Life sucks right now and I want to murder someone. So now I have to decide how long I want to look for my phone and whether I should just say "fuck it" and get the new Droid X. Also sucks because all my work shit is on there and so I have to go to the authorities at work and declare my phone lost and all that jazz. Wonderful.

Outside of that, though, had a fabulous drunk night with my friends. Started out with dinner for 9 at Mole - one of my fave Mexican places in the city. Margaritas and mojitos are the best combination. I was ridiculous, as per usual - I talk so much trash when I'm drunk it's not even funny. After dinner, moved it over to Art Bar for more drinks and ridiculousness. Never order a butterscotch martini - it will kill you. Especially when you take it like a shot. Number one reason why I should stop challenging boys to drinking battles. No one ever really wins. After being trashed, hopped in the cab with my roommates and went home, which is when I lost my phone. Poo.

Anyhow, spending today prepping for SF and trying to recover my baby. Hope you all are having a better morning than I am, espesh since I've been up since 5am. I don't know why alcohol makes me get up early. It's sick.

i'm not in the best of moods.

I don't know why I've been so cranky lately, but I am. Part of it is probably my sickness, which doesn't make life fun. Every day I have a new symptom to wake up to, it's fabulous! My job has been stressful - incredibly stressful, but today I got a very positive review from my manager, which was exactly what I needed. I have some serious issues around insecurity in the workplace. I always think I'm going to be fired, even though I've been working a lot of overtime and doing a lot of serious work. I'm a chronic overachiever and a perfectionist and so I'll never really be able to accurately gauge how well I'm doing. Hearing it from my manager, especially at a time where I feel like I'm slacking because I'm so swamped, was really helpful.

My brother is going through some shit. That's hard for me. He reached out to me, as well as a pastor, and my family is afraid that he's thinking about suicide. I don't even know what to say. I don't deal well with emotions in general - especially other people's. I don't understand them and it's hard when you're not in that person's head. I just don't know what to tell him and we've never been particularly close so that makes it awkward. But, he's my brother, so I'll do what I have to do. We'll have lunch on Sunday afternoon. I'll report back.

I'm having other issues, too, but I'd rather not talk about them here. They're a little too personal and you never know who's reading, so I'll save them for my written journal.

Some things are good, though. I'm actively participating in the world of online dating, but in a way that feels healthy. I'm talking to several guys, but I'm not wrapped up in anything and it's all very casual. I'm planning on walking or walk/running a half marathon with some of my girlfriends in San Diego in June. I'm planning a trip to Hawaii around the same time. I'm trying to do things this year that I normally wouldn't do. I'm just hoping this funk is only a weeklong thing and nothing permanent. It sucks to begin the new year in a foul mood.

ugh, foul mood.

Everything is pissing me off right now. I just don't understand why everything has to be so fucking complicated. I think I need a time out. Which sucks, because it's supposedly "the most wonderful time of the year" and I am required to be out frolicking with the general public. I don't want to frolic with anyone right now. I just want to be alone. Of course, I'm pulling a sick all nighter tonight - cleaning, packing, laundry-ing (?) and working. FUN.

More on this later, just wanted to voice my general discontent. =P

ridiculously emotional and no clue why.

Yesterday, I was crying like a baby. It was completely ridiculous. Most of it stemmed from watching Love Actually - that movie always kills me, especially the part when the little boy calls his stepdad "Dad" and when Colin Firth proposes to the girl he loves in broken Portuguese. I'm such a sucker. The other part of it was over TG. Let me explain...

So, I've been thinking about him a lot lately, especially since he asked me about coming to stay here in NYC for a week. I IMmed him last night to ask him some questions about other things and he just seemed kind of out of it, which made me sad, of course. Then a little later he came back on and sent me this message: "text me, I'm going to lay down. I'm really bored and want to talk to someone but lay down at the same time"

I texted him and he told me that he's really nervous and scared and lonely right now. He's trying to launch his start-up, but unsure about quitting his job to do it and he's scared of failure and what will happen is it doesn't take off. He's waiting to hear back about some potential grant money and until he hears back, he can't make any decisions, so he's stressed out. I told him that I'm always there for him and that he can call/e-mail/text me whenever. So he called me right after I sent that text. He sounded so bad. I mean, he's never really vulnerable in front of anyone and he definitely doesn't show his emotions, like, ever. It was really difficult to listen to him and his fears, but I did my best to try and talk him off the ledge. He told me that he really appreciated me being there for him and listening to him. When we got off the phone, he sent me a text: "Thanks for listening! You're really super great sometimes :-)"

Basically, right after I got off the phone with him, I just started crying. Have you ever just cared about someone so much but been so confused about your feelings at the same time? That's how I feel right now. I really have some genuine feelings for this kid and it's hard to be so far away from him. He's not sure if he can come to NYC anymore (obvs) because he may not have a job/finances to do it. I understand completely, but I'm a little disappointed because I do want to see him. Although, I may be in SF in January, so we'll see. All this emotion is just so fucking complicated. I'm tired of feeling. I just want to be numb. It's too painful. I just wish I knew what his feelings for me are and what mine are for him. What I want out of this friendship. Anyway, I'm just a big crybaby, lol.

big steps.

I finally decided to do something radical and crazy. It probably won't lead to anything, but I feel like I need to do something about the apathy and disillusionment I'm feeling about certain aspects of my life. I wish I could elaborate on this, but you never know who's reading these things. I will definitely post more when I have some more clarity.

In some ways, this is one of the most exciting stages of my life. I feel like I'm at this crossroads and there are so many paths open to me. Change is exciting - scary, but exciting. I'm eager to try new paths and do new things because I think I'm selling myself short in so many ways. One of the things I hate about myself is that I'm not aggressive. I can be impulsive, spontaneous, and crazy, but I am never aggressive in my actions or words. I'm not really sure why. Maybe having a hyper-aggressive mother makes me less likely to jump down people's throats. Maybe it's my old shy self peering out or my fear of conflict, but I can never really assert myself in the way that I should. I'm starting to get sick of it. I need to focus on this spinelessness and conflict avoidance. I need to be willing to stick my neck out more. It's the only way to really get ahead.

quick hit.

So this is it. I'm having my quarterlife crisis. It's spectacular. Anyway, I have so much to talk about, but I'm watching the Yankees game and I need to get my thoughts in order. Basically, I was just informed that I have to spend 50% of my time doing my old job. Remember how I used to schedule interviews and book travel and do all sorts of things that were awful? Yeah, well, I'm doing that again for a little while. I've been sold down the river. I actually cried over this. I don't think words can express how soul-sucking that job was and I'm afraid that this is the beginning of a spectacular demotion. You work hard, you bust your ass to get out of a position and then all of a sudden you're right back where you started again.

Someone help me brainstorm my next move. The roomies discussed - we've come up with the following:
1. marry rich
2. become a dominatrix

I'm leaning towards 2, but I'll take more suggestions.

xoxo,
your friendly neighborhood drama queen.

balance.

I feel kind of off-kilter and I'm not sure if it's affecting my sleeping habits or if it's my sleeping habits that are influencing my lack of balance. All I know is, I find it a struggle to get up at 8 am after going to bed at midnight. Today I had to drag myself out of bed at 8:30 and it was a battle of the wills. I don't know if I'm working too much, or if I need to go to bed earlier or sleep with my blinds open. Maybe I should stop having my customary glass (or two) of wine before bed. Not really sure. I just know that I don't like it. I used to get up at 6:45 am naturally every day, even weekends. Now I can barely get up before 10 am. So not cool.

I've felt very out of sorts lately. It's not depression and it's not necessarily a negative thing - I just feel hyper-aware of my body and my emotions and my feelings. They're telling me that change is necessary, but nothing that I could change right now. I feel as though I'm supposed to decide what I want and then work really hard at making it happen in the next year or so. I feel inspired by it. I also feel kind of lonely lately - like the 'I have no friends' loneliness. Actually, it's more like - 'I have no acquaintances.' Three of my close friends are here, but I get so nervous about relying on them for emotional support or even just hanging out with them too much. I feel like I should have more outlets so they don't tire of me.

It'll be interesting to see what happens in the next few months.

off-kilter.

I have been so freaking off-kilter lately. I'm a fairly together person. Even when I'm falling apart, it's always calculated and controlled. I always manage to get my hysterics in check. I usually freak the fuck out and then get really calm and composed and start to logically think about what I can do to get myself out of whatever bad situation I'm in. I usually don't let it affect my attention to detail or anything. I've been slipping, though. I've screwed up which conference room I'm supposed to go to for meetings, as well as the times. I can't find files on my computer because I can't remember what I've named them. I didn't write a list yesterday and didn't do half of my tasks because I was so tired. I totally forgot about my loan bill - thank GOD I misremembered the date and it's due next week. I'm just completely and totally frazzled, which is not me.

The apartment search is weighing on my mind. I'm so excited to move and get over to the west side and live in an area that I like, but we haven't found anything yet. It's been one dead-end after another. Are we being too picky? I don't know. I just think we work too hard and we make enough money that it doesn't make sense to live somewhere subpar. Roomie is starting to freak, too, which is bad because we can egg each other on with our hysterics. Not a good look.

Then there's work. I have so many data requests and due to my own poor time management due to stress and laziness, I'm properly screwed. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get any of these things done on time. I guess I'll do it because I always do it and things always get done, it's just crazy how much I need to accomplish before I leave on Friday.

let there be light.

I woke up this morning incredibly happy. This is new for me. As most of you can guess, I've been borderline depressed for the past two weeks. I thought that a trip to Providence would cheer me up and while, yes, it did help, it didn't really do the trick. I got back to New York and immediately my mood began to plummet.

Today was the first day where I felt good. I practically bounded out of bed at 3:45 AM (as a result of going to bed at 9 pm for the past two nights) and I was alert and ready to go. Boot camp was amazing today. My abs, ass, and thighs are KILLING me and it feels so good. I've been talking to TG a lot lately and it makes me happy. We have plans for when I get into SF and our convos have been really charged lately. Unhealthy? Yes. But caramel cheesecake makes me happy and it's not healthy either. I'll take happiness however I can get it. I also have dipped my toe back into the dating pool. Well, not completely, but I'm making an effort and actually talking to someone online. I've gotten a bunch of messages lately and have ignored them all, but something about this guy just struck me so we're talking. He's another European and it's very basic and nothing may come of it, but I'm actually talking! I thought I'd never speak to another man again, so this is progress.

I'm starting to make plans - big plans about how I want to live my life. Sometimes I worry that I'll never be happy because I like to pick up and move around a lot and never seem to find a place to settle. I'm already contemplating my next move, my next adventure. It's all so scary and new and frightening. Maybe I just have a wandering spirit and that's who I am. Maybe that's okay. I'm not really sure yet, but I'm just going to go with it. =)

back from providence!

I really want to write a long entry on how amazing Commencement is and how wonderful it was to see everyone, but I am exhausted and really want to get a good jump on Boot Camp for the week, so I will save it for tomorrow.

I'm still feeling ridiculously crappy emotionally. I'm not sure what's at the bottom of it, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of melancholy. The weekend was nice for getting over that, but I also started to feel kind of crappy towards the end of my stay and getting back to NYC just made it even worse. I had a nice, anti-social day today. It was great to sit outside in Union Square and people watch and read. I don't really have much time to myself during the week, so it's nice to get an extra day.

I guess I just have to believe that "this too shall pass."

so far this week is awesome!

I'm really excited right now and I hardly even know why. It was like yesterday all of these things lined up and it was great and good and wonderful and I'm happy. All this hermit stuff is totally paying off - I'm eating better than I have in a while, I'm exercising, I'm getting to work early and being more productive. I'm truly enjoying focusing on myself and trying to do the right things for my body and my mind. I've been reading a lot lately and it's just the right mix of fluff and serious stuff. Bought a book called Virgin, about the history of virginity and I'm plugging through the Twilight series and Outliers. It's nice. I read magazines at the gym and I've discovered a new musical soundtrack to swoon over (The Last Five Years is amazing!).  Things are good.

I finally got my period yesterday, which was a relief because I was freaking out that I was pregnant, which is what happens when you have an overactive imagination. The Intellectual texted me last night and wants to come over on Thursday so we can watch the Real World. I'm happy about that - I like when he comes over. It's very relaxing - just cuddling and watching TV and occasionally hooking up. I think I can handle that level of social interaction.

Yesterday, at work, I found out that I'm going to California twice in the next month or so! A short visit in March and a longer visit in April. For some reason, this made me unnaturally happy. I think I really miss California sometimes. Don't get me wrong - NYC is awesome and I love my friends here and my roommate and the life I've made, but I miss certain aspects of California. The San Francisco weather, all the crazy festivals, naked bike riders, Golden Gate park, my favorite restaurants and bars. I miss all of that. And the attitude of SF - everything is so much slower paced than New York, which can get frustrating at times, but is nice at others. Don't get me wrong - I remember the shitty parts of SF, too. The commute, the roommate drama, the fact that everything closes at 2 am. But, I still miss the freedom and independence I felt there. So I'm glad my new position is going to bring me out to Cali a lot more often.

Anyhow, things are looking up. Today I plan on grocery shopping and making a lovely chicken dinner for myself, hitting up the gym, and chatting with MB on the phone. Nice =)

personal day. week. month. year?

I am really sick and tired of doing things I don't want to do. Have you ever gotten like that? Where you just don't want to be bothered with anything or anyone and you want to do your own thing? I think I'm becoming a hermit. Not like crazy, Una-bomber status or anything like that, more like crazy cat lady status. And to be quite honest, I really don't mind. I feel like I give so much of myself to the outside world. Not that I'm some crazy altruistic, do-gooder, because I'm not. I've always been kind of selfish and narcissistic - although I prefer the term introspective because it sounds better. But, I have this ridiculous sense of guilt and duty that forces me to feel bad when I'm not there for others or when I don't get all my work done (no matter how unrealistic it would be to finish everything).

So I've decided that I just can't do it anymore. This week, I'm going to work reasonable hours, and I'm going to just try and make them count a little more. I plan on going home no later than 5:30 PM every day this week. I want to work out and cook myself dinner every night, instead of mindlessly shoving food down my throat. I also don't really feel like being social. There are a select few people that I enjoy talking to and I will communicate with them, but I have no desire to really communicate with anyone else. I promised College BFF that she could stay this weekend, so I can't go back on that, but outside of a Friday night graduation party, I really don't have any desire to go out and I probably won't. I just don't want to deal with anything - I want to relax. Hopefully Sunday will be a nice, relaxing day. I just need a break.

So, if you know me IRL and I'm acting strange, I just need some time to myself. Anyone who's known me for a while knows that I'm super-moody, so fret not. I'm just hoping to make this a positive, productive sort of moodiness. 

want to curl up and go away.

Ugh, I'm not happy right now. I'm just tired and stressed and not feeling like dealing with people. I'm not looking forward to this week/end, where I'll be forced to be social and will probably get nothing done. Blerg. I just cannot wait until I can relax, which probably won't be until March. I need work to stop stressing me, I need engineers to stop being dicks, and I need time to exercise and cook and take care of myself. I need boundaries - times when I just stop doing whatever I'm doing regardless of whether I've gotten as far as I want. I think I'm going to come in later tomorrow and sleep in and get some rest. I need to stop pressuring myself or I'm going to crack up.

so I won't hesitate no more...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but all of a sudden I'm completely obsessed with that Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours" and it's totally erasing all the shittiness of yesterday. Basically, after the day from hell at work, I walked home with my roomie and then decided to do laundry. So I go down with all my stuff and the fucking card machine is out of cards. No problem - I leave my stuff down there and I go borrow a card from my roommate. I go back down and my fucking key breaks off in the lock! So now, not only can I not do my laundry, but I have left my shit down there. SO FUCKING PISSED. I call facilities and they take care of it, though. I don't even know. I couldn't do anything but just chuckle at the extreme ridiculousness of the situation. Murphy's Law...

Anyhow, I don't know why, but I woke up this morning feeling so happy and upbeat, listening to my song on repeat, bouncing down the street. I think I actually smiled at people! It's like everything has melted away - the drama at work, the uncertainty with New Jersey - and I'm just me. Having a good time and loving life - feeling excited about the possibility of something better. Hopeful. =)

Tonight I'm going to Long Island to hang out with my friends. I feel truly blessed to still be so close to people I knew back when I was young and dumb and didn't know who I was. I'm happy that so many of my friends have been on this strange journey of mine and that we still connect. I love knowing that I have forged some insanely close bonds that 4 years of college and a year out in the real world haven't broken. I am not the person I was back in middle or high school, and yet there's this feeling of acceptance and growth in my personal relationships. I am so lucky.

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved"

I am so sappy today. Haha. It makes me laugh.

unhealthy obsession.

I've always been slightly morbid. I don't know - maybe it's the family in which I was raised, but I've never considered death or destruction to be taboo. It's something to ponder realistically, but not to stress over. Basically, it's a natural part of living, so you just deal with it. I've never had any great reverence for it and I'm not afraid to talk about it, to actively engage the idea of death. However, lately, I've been freaking myself out thinking about death all the time. I even wrote my screenplay about it. 

Being home lately I've thought a lot about my parents' mortality. My grandparents are visiting and they spent all day yesterday going grave visiting (omg, that sounds so funny to me. but honestly it's what they did). They visited my grandfather's father, his brother, and then they visited my uncle (my father's brother). "How the hell could you spend all day in the cemetery? It's depressing and it makes no sense. They're dead!" - my mother complained to me when I got home. I kind of see her point, which is why I want to be cremated, but at the same time, it's nice to know that someone would come and look at your grave after you're gone. But, that's neither here nor there. What concerns me most is my own mortality (ha - how selfish of me!).

I know, I know - I'm 22 and I'm young and I shouldn't think about death, but ever since my pulmonary embolism, something has been different about me. When you come so close to death, when you are actually put in a position where you CAN die, everything else flies out the window. As a kid I'd never really been scared of death. I wholeheartedly believed in reincarnation (still do) and so I figured that death was another portal to a new life. Which is easy to believe in the abstract, but when you're clutching your chest in the hospital fearing that at age 22 you're having a heart attack, that thought isn't so comforting. I thought I had gotten over my fears after my sickness, thought I'd mastered them. It's been months since I've cried myself to sleep, fearing I'd never wake up. But now, all of a sudden, I feel that fear again.

I ride the Long Island Railroad to work every day and I have one hour there and one hour back to ponder all sorts of things. After I had a resurgence of pain, I remember I wanted to rush home and write a note. "If I have a stroke and I become a vegetable. Please kill me. Seriously. DNR. Pull the plug. I don't want to live like that." I even contemplated saying those words to my mother, and honestly, I would, if I didn't think she'd freak the fuck out. But I still feel like I should say it to someone, so I'm writing it here.

I'm going to go to the doctor this week or next, but I don't know who it's appropriate to talk about these fears to. People tell me not to worry, but that's impossible. Not when every headache, every searing chest pain that causes me to stumble, every sharp pain reminds me of being in the hospital, of being told that I'll have to be on medication for 6 months to a year or maybe even a lifetime. Not when I know that had I not gone to the doctor, I most surely would have died or suffered extreme lung damage, etc etc. And so, I am still afraid and there's nothing I can do. Nothing but try and take care of myself and live my life to the fullest. I mean, as my mother likes to say - we're all dying anyway. It's just a matter of when.

much better.

OMG, I was looking through the list of folks who've perused my blog and it turns out that someone got to this little corner of the web by searching "borderline nymphomania." HAHA. My blog comes up as the third link. Jesus. Gotta love it.

I feel better now. I just - I don't know - I'm kind of crazy. Schizo maybe? The mood ebbs and flows, ya know? What can you do?

Work tomorrow. Ick. I looooove going to work, but I hate commuting to get there. That's what really sucks.

I also need to do a revamp on the blog to reflect the new locale, etc etc. Back tomorrow with something more insightful than my complaining about life.

whoa, that was scary.

Yes, last night I was insanely pissed off. I'm slightly better now, albeit still mad. I just don't even know what to do. It's like - is it worth it to confront someone or should I just grit my teeth and grin and bear it? I guess I'll just play it by ear. For right now, I'm avoiding this person like the plague. It's going to be difficult, but I know if we have words I'm going to say some pretty nasty stuff and I don't want to be mean. Damn, life is complicated. I'm looking forward to moving away from this drama. It's sad that it has to muck up my last weeks here.

I should update about my weekend - Napa and everything, but I'm tired and I'll do it tomorrow.

block.

Gah! I hate bloggers block. Well, I guess it's not that I'm blocked, it's more that I have so many things to say and I'm not sure where to start and it's all confusing and weird. And then I struggle with how much to reveal here, what I can and can't say, and that bothers me. Because this is supposed to be a haven, a place to explore the recesses of my mind and get everything out there.

I am a moody person. Horribly moody, in fact. It's in my nature and I love riding each mood out and seeing where it takes me, exploring my emotion, learning and growing. After my PE (pulmonary embolism), I've had so many emotions and it's been great exploring them here. I am looking forward to using this as a chance to be a better person, to learn something about myself. I enjoy my valleys just as much as my peaks because without them you can never be whole. And sadness helps me write. Scratch that. Emotion helps me write - strong bursts of emotion. Whether it's anger, sadness, joy, all of those make me a better writer and I would never want to rid myself of them.

I have more to say, a lot more, but I can't find the words right now. Maybe later.

maybe i just have SAD...

So I've been thinking that maybe I just have Seasonal Affective Disorder - ya know, where you get sad in the winter when there's not as much light and it's yucky and gross out. Because this weekend was beautiful and I felt better about living in SF. Saturday was gorgeous, so I went out and did some retail therapy. Spent wayyyy more than I should've, but got some really nice things. And then Sunday was another bright and sunny day and I spent it with some friends and for the first time in a long time, I felt okay being social. Everything was good, no one got on my nerves, I didn't feel detached or disconnected. It was amazing. Maybe the cloud is lifting. I'm still not sold on life here in the Bay Area, but at least I know if I have to do it for another year I won't go batshit crazy and kill myself. Always good to know.

This should be more profound or better-written but fuck that. I'm going to the gym because my goal is to get in shape before Commencement and in order to do that I need to stop eating shit and start working out. So I'm going to get on that.

Peace!