2011: the year of the woman

I know that the end of December/beginning of January is supposed to be the time when one reflects on the past and decides what the new year is going to be about, but I'm never good at doing things when they're supposed to be done. After 25 years in this body, one of the things I've learned about myself is that I always do things wrong the first time. Seriously. I am not the kind of chick who is able to try something and succeed flawlessly on the first go. I make mistakes, I stumble and I trip. I usually don't fall, which is a positive, but I rarely make the right decision the first time out of the gate. A few examples:

• Friendship: I suck at picking friends initially. Every single new situation I've been in, I always head straight towards the wrong people. My amazing high school friends only came about after I had some really shitty middle school friends. My first year of college I was lost and hung out with a lot of people just because they were around. I think it's pretty telling that I only retained two good friends from that time period and the rest of my close friends came from later years.
• College: I was a hot mess for the first two years of my college career. Seriously. I didn't feel like anyone really understood me, I slept like it was my job, and I felt lonely about 95% of the time. Then junior year came around and all of a sudden life was golden! It only took two years, rushing two Greek organizations, joining nearly every club at school, and a nervous breakdown to get there.
• San Francisco: For long-time readers and friends, you remember how absolutely miz I was the first time I lived here. I hated my life and everything about it. I was sick (blood clots, ya'll!), lonely, and in an unhealthy relationship. It sucked. I tucked my tail between my legs, moved back to NYC, spent two years there learning and growing and then decided to try again. Now I love SF and I'm firmly convinced that I will live in the Bay Area for the rest of my life. Every day I think about how happy I am to be here (and not just because you suckers out east are getting all that snow! Hahahahahaha) and how blessed my life has become.

The point of all this rambling is that I thought I knew what I wanted in this new year, but it's only really crystallized over the past couple of days. This is the year when I come into my own as a woman, when I finally decide to grow up in a real and meaningful way. Yes, I am terrified of adulthood, but I'm also firmly convinced I can do it my way and I'm putting the pieces in place to help me get there. 

I'm finally fixing my nightmarish finances - I've started saving and really thinking about my spending habits. I'm going to the gym again because I want my body to look the way it used to - curvy, yet toned. As motivation for that, I bought a Living Social deal to get sexy Boudoir photos taken - with hair and makeup and sexy lingerie! To remind myself that I'm fucking hot and that I should never get myself down about my body or my size. I'm recommitting myself to being a sexual being - whether I'm seeing someone or not. I want to explore all the things I've always been too shy or inhibited to try. I'm seeing a therapist and she's helping me work through my anxiety issues. I'm living on my own in a wonderful apartment that I plan to decorate and really make my own. I'm going to start cooking again. I really want this year to be about growth and renewal - a rebirth of sorts. I'm tired of being a girl and ready to start being a woman. 

paralyzing fear.

I am terrified of my new job. Yes, yes I am. I haven't been asked to do anything particularly challenging yet, but I'm still so scared that I can't do this. These past two days have been a whirlwind of activity and information. It's like my first boss told me, "The first few days at this company are going to be like drinking out of a firehose." Well, this job is no different - I'm being inundated by information and I'm drowning.

On the bright side, I don't think I made the wrong decision to switch career fields. I am genuinely interested in events and I think what we do is so amazing. During our team meeting today, we had a vendor come in and show us some information and I was mesmerized by it. Anyone who's ever worked with me knows that I hate meetings. Cannot stand them - I'm always doing something else or not focusing - so the fact that I was able to sit through an hour without wanting to fall asleep was truly miraculous. So I know I'll be engaged with the work - I'm just doubting my actual abilities. 

I'm super shy and I feel like I'm creative, but not in the way that other people are and I just hope I have the gumption to stand up and give my ideas. Hell, I hope I have ideas to give! I think it's going to take a while for me to feel comfortable speaking up, but I need to do it. At least in some way. I know that I don't know anything about events, but that doesn't mean that I can't research and work hard and get ideas and then share them. I think it's just going to take a little bit of time for me to get there, but I want to push myself because I think this job will be good for me in the long run.

I'm not sure what brought the freakout moment on. Maybe it's just the typical twenty-something habit of examining your life and your career and yourself and coming up short. Not feeling 100% in control of your destiny at all times. I think it's normal and healthy for me to be scared, but I need to make sure I don't let the fear overwhelm me. I am intelligent. I am ambitious. I am hard-working. I can do this. 

holy shit - i'm a quarter century!

I still can't believe I'm 25. This was such an odd birthday - not in a bad way, but everything was just so different. It's scary because when I look in the mirror at myself, for the first time ever, I see a woman. I've always thought of myself as a girl or at least in some state of extended adolescence. I don't know why I've felt that way or what has changed because I'm still in the same situation - I've been paying my own bills, working a job, and taking care of myself since I graduated from college, but somehow this feels different. I think because I've finally started taking control of my life instead of just letting it happen to me.

Moving to CA has been huge for me. It's a move I orchestrated completely and totally independently of anyone. I didn't consult my friends or family - I just decided that it was what I wanted to do and I did it. Even when it didn't make sense to other people, it was something I knew I had to do for myself. I decided to live by myself because I thought it was time to have something that was 100% mine and I felt like I was hiding behind others. I don't know when I grew so scared of growing up. Back when I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to be 16 years old. I imagined I would have long hair, a wonderful boyfriend, and the perfect life. Well, 16 has come and gone and I still don't have any of those things, but I've also stopped hinging my happiness on them. I'm slowly but surely learning to judge my life on my own terms and not on other peoples. I have amazing friends, a great job, an amazing apartment, and a pretty solid sense of self.

25 has been a strange age for me to turn, mostly because I'm not just reflecting on this one year that has passed, but on a whole quarter century of my life. This year has definitely brought a lot of change in and of itself, but when I look back at the person I was and compare that to the person I've become, it's a dramatic difference. The little girl who wanted long, straight "good" hair is now content with a headful of unruly, kinky coiled-up curls. I've finally started to embrace my own beauty and the parts of myself that are gorgeous, even if they're not mainstream. My shyness has practically evaporated - I no longer fear new situations because I put myself in them on a regular basis. I've failed at so many things and so I no longer worry about what will happen if I'm not 100% perfect. I love the person I've become - complex, complicated, layered, but at heart amazingly fun-loving, always-laughing, and never dull.

Of course, there are always things I want to change - I wish I could have to heart to be more confrontational, instead of letting people take advantage of me. I wish I was a cuddlier, sweeter person - not as cold as I can sometimes appear. I wish I knew how to be in a relationship. But these are all things that I think I can fix. I mean, look at how far I've come in the past 25 years. I can only hope my path to self-actualization will get easier =)

i am 25, drunk, and confused.

Yeah, I'm shitfaced right now. There really isn't any other word for it. Two strong cocktails at dinner, followed by a million whiskey drinks with TG and his friends at the bar afterward. I dont' know what to say, but I just wanted to blog. I'm in bed alone on my birthday, which blows, but is probably better. I kind of know now that things with TG are over, which is good. Very good. It was nice to have him at my dinner and even nicer to hang out with him after, but I think we're both over it. I did want to sleep with him, but mostly because I wanted sex on my birthday - not for any real attachment issues. I did talk to a bunch of cool people tonight *without* him. I was proud of myself for meeting his friends and chatting with them while letting him do his own thing. I think it's helping me get over him and not want to cling to him as a social outlet.

I have a date on Sunday. I'm excited - he seems perfect for me. He loves Twilight Zone and dorky things and girls who chatter on and on and on and on. He thinks my smile is beautiful and he seems genuinely good. I hope I don't fuck this up. I'm always fucking things up - it's like my job. I hope he gets me because that's what I need right now - someone who will understand me and care for me and want to be with me. I think I deserve that. Yeah.

So the room is spinning, so I'll try and be more introspective tomorrow. Goodnight!

last day as a 24 year old!

I've been meaning to update for a while, but for the first time in a while I've been too busy living my life to blog about it =) Work has been very intense and I come home exhausted (maybe this is a sign of my advanced age... lol) and then the weekends have been full of plans and cleaning and prep. Normally, I'd do the whole 'reflection of the past 24 years of my life' post, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

Birthday Weekend 2010 was frickin' awesome. Seriously - I couldn't have asked for a better time. Friday night, I did Easy A with the girls from the office. I really loved it - Emma Stone is cute and it really made me think about how even in 2010, women still get the short end of the stick when it comes to being open, sexual beings. Annoying. I got home late, so I decided to just spend the evening chugging half a bottle of wine and dancing around my living room. I promptly passed out around 11pm. Then it was time for Roomie to come! I love her. Seriously, in love. I love living alone, but I totally miss having her around to chat to, drink with, and kvetch about work with. Living in the FiDi with Boy Roomie and Girl Roomie was the best experience ever and I miss them. ANYWAY.

I had to run around party prepping, but then Roomie got there and we were hungry, so we went to brunch and were going to meet up with some of her college friends. Miscommunication ensued, so we were stuck at this little cute French bistro with nothing to do, waiting on her friends. Of course, that meant we had to drink to pass the time. So around noon, we got totally shitfaced on fancy champagne cocktails. I went for a Kir Royale - well, 4 Kir Royales - and Roomie had four of the house special drinks. By the time her friends got there, we were blitzed and snacking on French fries. Hilarious 4 hour lunch later, I set off in search of a camera and party alcohol. I was barely able to purchase the camera. I'm 100% sure the woman at Office Max knew I was not in my right mind, when I picked up a huge memory card reader instead of a simple memory card. After errands, I passed out while Roomie went drinking.

The party was awesome. I bought wayyyy too much liquor, but a lot of people showed up. All the ADP SF kids, which made me so happy, since you know I always think no one likes me. TG showed up super early - 20 min before the party was supposed to start. He was all sweaty and yuck from biking and I looked frickin hot. Slamming bright pink bandage dress with maximum cleavage, which I caught him looking at multiple times. Score! I didn't get too drunk, I was pretty good. Just having a good time with my guests. Tried turning on the music around 1am but then my stupid neighbor came over in her bathrobe to glare at me. Fail. Around 2, we called it a night and went to sleep.

It was awesome! Fun 25th birthday indeed.

I have a million more things I'd love to update on - the state of my love life, things with TG, work, etc, but this is already too long, so I'll save that for the post-birthday roundup.

crazy emotional randomness.

I'm feeling a bit odd and since this is the place where I keep all of my 'uncomfortable and embarrassing' feelings, I think I'll get into it here. I mean, after all, you all already know about my ridiculously awkward sex life, so why not? =)

I'm annoyed with things with TG. There, I said it.

The odd thing is I can't figure out why I'm mad about things. I guess it's because we don't talk anymore or hang out, even though I saw him on Sunday when he sent me that impromptu text message to meet up with him outside of my house. I guess I just feel weird that our friendship appears to be disintegrating. I'm probably just freaking out over nothing - I mean, he's coming to my birthday dinner next week and most likely my party, too, but I feel ignored by him. I don't like it. It's not that I even wanna smush or hook up or anything, but I miss talking to him and going to see movies and I don't want our friendship to die completely. At the same time, I know that it's hard to be "friends" with someone you hook up with and once dated. So maybe this is the natural order of things and I should be content to deal with it the way it is?

I've decided that today I want to take charge of my life. I'm so tired of being passive in certain situations. There's my job - which I like, but I know is not forever. There are so many opportunities where I work - I need to seize them and think about what I want to do with my life. Then with boys - this whole thing with The Russian is annoying me and I'm tired of playing games. I'm just going to message him tonight. If he wants to hang out with me - great! If he doesn't - he'll tell me and I'll know. I'll be sad about it, but I'll get over it and move on. Then, TG. I want us to be friends on some level but I can't just sit here waiting for him to initiate it. If I want to see him, I should try to see him. Same thing goes here - if he's down, great! If he's not, I'll know and I'll leave him alone and we can pretend like we never knew each other. I want to start working out and getting my body back into shape. I want to find new fun things to do with my hair. There are so many things I want to do and I need to just *do* them. I'm tired of letting my shyness and my hesitant nature dictate how I live my life. I'm going to be 25 years old in less than a week and I need to stop acting like a goddamn child.

AMEN.

dipping my toe back into the pool - slowly, but surely.

I still don't really feel like I live here, which is a good and bad thing. It's good because it's helping me ease myself into this new life. There's none of that 'shock and awe' that usually comes with a big move. The first time I moved to California, it was complete and total devastation. I remember being so lost and sad when my parents left me. I was alone, in my brand new apartment, in a brand new city, with brand new roommates and a brand new job - it was absolutely terrifying. I don't know if it's because I've lived here before or because I'm just older and wiser now (and have several moves behind me), but I feel a hell of a lot less like a deer in headlights this time around.

This can be bad because it means I need to kick myself to make sure I'm building relationships, exploring my new surroundings, and making the most of things. This isn't a 5 week work trip, this is my life, so I need to make sure I'm setting the foundations for filling it with friends, boys, and memories.

Last night, I went to dinner with Blondie and friends for her birthday. I was definitely a late invitation (not a bad thing, just an observation), but I decided to go because I wanted to help her celebrate and I've also told myself that I will not say no to any invitation or experience that comes my way. You never know where your next boyfriend/best friend/shopping buddy/fuck buddy will come from. I had a lot of fun - paella and sangria and good conversation! After several glasses of sangria, I went home and had a completely pointless conversation with someone on an online dating site. I swear to God, men will say anything to get in your pants. It's funny - that kind of stuff never offends me or upsets me, I just like going with it to see how far they'll take things. This guy was pretty cute, but after some brief small-talk, he wanted me to come get food with him. Mind you, it was 11:45 at night. That's when I decided that this was not long-term relationship potential. But, I like flirting, so I chatted with him for a bit. Good Lord. Hopefully the next guy I talk to is a little less sexually driven.

Up this weekend - party for Blondie's birthday! Excited to get circulating again. Then, I'm doing Mad Men with MB on Sunday and our standard weekly meal at Nopalito. Settling in appears to be going just fine! =)

positive steps.

I've been really good lately! I've been working extremely hard at my job, while also trying to improve my social life. I'm actually proud of myself for making this move and not being miserable as a result. Things are still fresh and new and I'm getting used to everything.

I've been incredibly good about getting over the whole 'stalking TG' thing. We still talk occasionally (initiated by him), but I'm getting better about not monitoring his tweets or looking to see where he's hanging out. It helps that he's in NYC this week, but slowly the cord is being cut. Amen! I even put up my online dating profile last night (finally!), so maybe I'm ready to start getting myself out there.

I went to my first alumni event - a sake tasting. It was fun. I didn't really meet anyone that I clicked with, but I did talk to some folks and had a nice evening learning about sake. I'm glad I went - I need to start branching out more and not being so shy. I've decided I will hold myself to doing 3 fun events each week (well, until we get to crunch time at work) and so far, I've been keeping up with that. Tonight, it's dinner for Blondie's birthday and then on Saturday night she's having a party. So those two plus the sake = goal met! =)

Now, if I get my butt to the gym today, it will be a perfect week!

Anyway, back to the grind. Work is kicking my ass this week. Seriously.

tonight was exactly what i needed.

Writing this from the shuttle, which will take me from my job in the South Bay back to San Francisco. I had an extremely fun and productive day today. Early morning (7:30am to be exact) meetings really energize me! Also, I went indoor skydiving with my team! It was amazingly fun. It's been nice to bond with everyone and get to know them all. I was surprised that I wasn't terrified since even the smallest height makes me nervous. I really do want to start stretching my boundaries more and doing things that I wouldn't normally do. So, in short - it was awesome. I love my team! I'm missing cubemate and LG2 A LOT, but my new work friends are awesome as well. I'm sure it'll be no time before we have crazy inside jokes and they learn about my propensity for TMI (I literally tell anyone my business).

Then it was LG1's birthday, so we went out to this cute Indian restaurant. They had amazing drinks and the food was so yummy! It was also nice to sit around with a group of girls and gossip about life and boys and dating. There were a lot of insightful things said that I hope to take to heart. I think one of the biggest things that resonated with me was the need to live my own life. You really do have to have your own life and routine before you can bring someone else in. I've sort of forgotten that along the way. I used to be such an independent-minded person who didn't give two shits about having a boyfriend. I'm not saying I'm going to revert to that person, but I do want to focus on making sure that I find my happiness in SF through other channels first. I don't want to drop everything for some boy or make dating the centerpiece of my life. I've always wanted a relationship that would complement my life, not take it over.

So I'm going to live my life. I'm going to go out with my friends and dance and drink and gossip when I want to. I'm also going to stay in, put on ratty pajamas and watch shitty television when I want to do that. I'm not going to care what other people are doing or keep tabs on their lives because I'm going to be too busy doing things that make me happy. That is my plan. I feel more zen already. =)

so much change.

Honestly, the world is turning topsy turvy - I feel like 85% of my friends are going through intense life changes this summer. Jammerz is going to law school, College BFF is going to grad school, Tall is moving to London for school, another friend is going to Baltimore to move in with her boyfriend, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a million other people whose lives are changing. I just can't believe how different things are going to be in a matter of months. I'm exhilarated and nervous all at the same time. I just hope I make it through okay.

In random news, TG might be moving to New York! Could you imagine? That would certainly make some aspects of my life easier, but it would also be strange to think of him in "my" city. Don't know how I feel about it. He suggested we have a phone date to talk sometime soon, so I guess eventually I'll know the full details, but for now I really don't know anything.

I'm still in San Francisco neighborhood limbo. No idea where I want to live and I get conflicting advice from just about everyone. I'm not sure what to think or who to ask - it's a nightmare. I guess if I just narrow it down to 4 or 5 neighborhoods, I can judge by what apartments are available when I get there. I mean, I'm sure it'll be fine - I always find a place to live and it always works out. I still can't believe there are only 2 months here! I'm trying to cram everything in before it all changes.

finally back to regular posting schedule!

Yay, I think my life of hell is over. I have about 2 more weeks left in this fine city and then I return home for what I'm dubbing my "Summer o' Fun!" I really want to enjoy this summer and have a good time. Lately, things have been so stressful and difficult - contemplating my move to SF, working harder than I ever have before, dealing with my absolutely depressing love life. I need to move onward and upward and I've decided to start on that path this summer. I have so many things to look forward to - Commencement, trips to DC, a fun-filled summer in NYC. No reason why I can't "get my groove back" in the next few months.

Today was mainly spent with MB, doing fun things like gossiping over brunch, shopping, and then dinner. I really had a lot of fun today and I look forward to being here permanently and having her as a regular part of my life.

I've tried to curb all thoughts of men. I just don't know where I'm at right now in my own head, so I don't know how it relates to my relationships with others. I feel really unattractive lately and I think that's starting to mess with me. I don't know if it's the whole "I don't know how to deal with my natural hair and it's worrying me" thing or the "we've been eating shit for the past 3 weeks and I feel disgusting" thing, but I need to start focusing on my appearance like whoa. God did not make me an ugly woman, but bad grooming might - lol.

It's just an uphill battle lately. Being single is really starting to fuck with me, in ways I can't even begin to explain. I wonder if I'm focusing on the wrong things when I look for men (although, let's be honest, I haven't looked for a man in a good, long while). I want to be smart about my next partner and how I treat him and what kind of person he is. I find the concept of love truly frightening sometimes. However, loneliness frightens me even more. I'm so terrified of moving here and being lonely and watching every single person I know move on with their lives in a way that I just can't seem to. I mean, I have faith. I have SO much faith in God and the Universe and I know that something good will come my way and that the man I'm meant to be with will present himself, but waiting is the hardest part. Especially when it gives me time to ruminate over all of the mistakes I've made and the poor choices.

I think about my dating in NYC and how horrific that was. I mean, I pretty much jumped into bed with practically anyone with little to no thought. Then, when I found a guy I thought was halfway decent, I realized I was deluding myself.

Then the whole TG thing, which just was a clusterfuck of ridiculousness that I still can't seem to make sense of. I did have a mini epiphany about it, though. I really do think that a lot of the issues in our relationship came from me and my unwillingness to commit and my not being able to handle the fact that he didn't look/sound/dress like what I pictured my ideal man being. I screwed things up a lot. To be fair, though, he wasn't exactly the most mature man on earth and he did some fucked up shit to me, too. But, honestly, at the end of the day, I've come to realize that the boy that I fell in like with is gone and there's a new person there. In some ways, I really do feel proud of him for creating a life for himself here. When we dated, he had very few close friends and I was his main outlet and that was hard for me. I don't really like being somebody's sole point of support. Now, he's got friends (some of them are questionable in my opinion, but they're his friends) and he has more confidence and a job he likes. He's in a better place and I'm glad. But, he's not the same guy that was so sweet to me and put up with my bullshit and cared about me. I mean, maybe he does still care, but he can act like a total d-bag sometimes and I don't want any part of that. It's just not for me.

I'm really ready to open a new chapter in my life. I just got promoted at my job and I really want to focus on working hard, impressing people, and ensuring that it doesn't take another THREE YEARS before I see a promotion. I want to live like an adult - in my own place, being fiscally responsible, cooking and cleaning for myself. I want to date again, like a normal human being. Going out to dinner with men who treat me well and don't try and get in my pants on the first (or second, or even third) date. I want to make new friends; I want to live the life I want - the perfect mix of crazy, alcohol-fueled nights coupled with my occasional bouts of extreme homebodiness. I want everything that I want, but I know I have to work for it. So, I'm ready for that.

more roaring 20s resolutions.

During my night out with Jammerz, we had a long discussion about my "relationship" with TG. He thinks I need to cut him off completely and he's tired of hearing about him. Truth be told, I'm tired of talking about him. Two years is a long time to have all these ups and downs. So I've finally decided to put my money where my mouth is and I'm really making a concerted effort to rid my life of this boy, at least for the next 6 months until I move to California. I really do feel like he has inhibited me from dating and having a full life out in New York. I don't blame him at all, but the fact that my job has me in California every 3 months is not really healthy for us separating. We hang out, we see each other, we spark, we have sex, and then I'm hung up on it for another few months. Especially once I gave up on dating men in Manhattan. I really have have no other sexual outlet but him for the past year. SO. NOT. HEALTHY.

I made my friends unfollow him on Twitter. I've gone so far as to create a filter for him on every social network I have, so he will not pop up in my feeds. Also, stalking stops NOW. No more tracking his every move online like a crazy person. From now on, I will live my life and he will live his and when I get to California, hopefully I'll be over it or he'll be dating someone or if not, we can then interface with our strange friendship when it really matters. I just see no need to freak out about my relationship with him when I'm still 3,000 miles away and will be for the next 6 months. Especially because I just don't think he likes me that way.

So the trigger to all this was a long conversation we had the other night. He's had some really depressing messages up and all this cryptic crap surrounding this girl. Naturally I've been following that shit like it's a national news story. Finally, I decided I needed to see what was up because my crazy jealousy and internet recon is getting out of control. Bottom line: he stuck his neck out for a girl and she told him she didn't want a relationship because she's dating around. He doesn't want to do anything casual anymore and is looking for a real relationship, no fucking around. While they haven't fucked around yet, he doesn't want to strictly hookup, so he defriended her and removed her from a bunch of social networking sites. He says there's no sense in being friends if they can't be together. We talked about our individual relationship issues - but made no mention of our relationship with each other. I really think he's over me. And I think I'm over him too, but I keep holding on because my own love life isn't satisfying. I think our relationship was super-important to my growth as a person, but I don't really think we have a future. We're just not compatible that way, but I need to untrain my mind to want to be with him. Continuing to have sex with him is not helping. At all. So I'm hoping if I ignore him, I'll get better.

I've had a few relapses - some mild Twitter stalking, he gChatted me, and then texted me today and I responded. But on the whole, I'm doing well. Now I just need to find a man to get under (or over, I'm flexible - ha) and I think I'll be all right. Any single Manhattan men out there? I'm available... =P

trying to stay awake.

It's only 9:38pm and I'm exhausted. I have a ton of work to do tonight, but I'm also prioritizing my sanity, so instead I'm blogging and reading and watching television. I just hate that I work all day and then come home and work all night. Enough is enough! I don't want to get sick over this. I also need to do laundry and clean up my kitchen - I have some other important priorities that I refuse to let fall by the wayside over something that can wait a few days. Hmph! I'm taking back my time!

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm on this new productivity kick. I registered for the Blogging While Brown conference in DC in June - I really want to meet other bloggers and improve this blog and gain readers (ps - I'm grateful to everyone who's reading this!). I want to make this an interesting corner of the web =) I signed up for speed dating! Which is step 1 in getting over TG. Still can't believe we're going on 2 years since our "relationship" ended and I still think about him almost daily. I wonder if it's the same for him. Maybe not exactly, but the boy IMs me all the frickin time. Also signed up for an interesting NYC dating service. I don't know why I'm getting into this now, but I think it's been kind of unhealthy for me to completely ignore my love life for so long. I'm cleaning house, too - the bedroom is all clean. Bathroom and laundry tonight.

I'm really hoping I can keep this up. It's almost too good to be true!

right now.

Chilling out in my bedroom on a Sunday afternoon. I'm watching a special on prostitution in Honolulu during WWII because it combines my two greatest loves - sex and history. I swear I'm cracked. I did something totally outside of my box today - I signed up for a speed dating event. I'm terrified since I'll be going alone, but I think it'll be fun. It's for people 23-36, so there shouldn't be any creepy men my dad's age there. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone and we'll fall in love and it'll be awesome. Maybe not.

I've decided that even though I'm moving in T minus 6 months, I want to enjoy the rest of my time here. I've found that so often, I live for the future, instead of living in the present. Just because I'm moving cross country soon does not mean that I have to put my life on hiatus. I need to start living in the moment, instead of thinking that my life will begin at some time in the future. Oh, I'll start exercising at the beginning of the month. Oh, I'll date more when I'm in California. Oh, I'll make new friends and put myself out there after the move. It's bunk! I need to start doing things right now or I'm never going to do them. There will always be some mystical future in which I'll start living my best life. And then one day, I'll wake up and I'll be 87 years old and realize that I never did all of those things I wanted to do now.

It's time to start living my life.

validation.

I'm writing from home this weekend - decided to spend the weekend with my family since I'm going to be gone for the next 3 weekends. I've been crazy tired lately, so a restful weekend is just what I need. Although, I'm super pissed that I'm missing the Mock Trial reunion shindig happening at The Banker's this weekend. You all should know how I feel about Mock Trial - love it and I miss those kids like whoa. Oh well, another time.

Friday was an amazing, amazing day! I'm actually starting to feel like I made the right choice in regards to law school and my potential career changes. I went into my one-on-one with my manager to talk about some stuff and she basically told me that I'm doing really well and that I shouldn't be worried about promotion. I'm not going to say any more than that, but I think I understood what she meant and it's about time! When I asked her if I could set up some time to talk more about career development she seemed really pleased and so I'm excited that we'll have those conversations next week!

I'm going to talk to her about transferring back to California. I really do think it's time. I lived in NYC for two years and while I'm going to miss it like crazy and miss the proximity to my family, right now I've decided that I want to hitch my wagon to this crazy, wonderful company I work for. In order to do that, I really need to be at headquarters, regardless of what that means for my personal life. Everything that happened on Friday - the good news from corporate and the good news from my manager - leads me to believe that this is the right choice for me. I'm nervous, not so much about life in SF - I mean, some of my favorite people live there and I imagine I will fall back into a lot of the old social patterns I had - but just about my career path and living alone and all of that. I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life, but I know that the decisions I'm making now are setting me on a path to long-term future happiness. It's a scary, yet exhilarating time. Cannot wait to see what happens in the next 9 months.

strangely zen.

Recently I've been thinking about my newfound decision to stop pursuing a law degree. I really feel like I should be deathly frightened about this. I mean, I have NO PLAN. Nothing. I really don't know what I'm going to do with myself at this stage of the game. I'm working in a job that doesn't really do much for me, but I still love my company. I live with fabulous roommates in what I believe is the best city in US, but I'm contemplating moving in 9 months. I haven't seriously dated anyone in a little less than a year, but I don't care because men aren't really interesting to me at this point. It's so strange. I'm just kind of existing with no real plan in sight.

Don't get me wrong. I'll make a plan and I'll stick to it and I'll achieve my dreams and all that Millenial Generation bullcrap. For now, though, I'm not sweating it. Life could be a lot worse than it actually is. I wonder if I'm sleep-deprived or maybe someone slipped some Prozac into my Diet Dr. Pepper because I'm the most high-strung individual about literally everything. I can turn any situation into some monumental occasion and yet, while standing at the crossroads of my life - all paths open to any direction I want - I'm just futzing around and I'm not even concerned.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it remains to be seen.

yay! i'm excited!

I'm such a huge dork. Really, I am. For some odd reason, I'm crazy excited about a few new endeavors I've decided to take on. It makes me feel like I'm actually doing something constructive with my life, which feels good considering I've just derailed myself from The Plan that I've had for the past 8 years.

I bought a book this weekend! Learning Python! Yay! I'm going to learn how to code. I'm doing backflips! So all you CS kids out there, look out! I might be hitting you up with questions because I know myself and this is probably going to be crazy challenging. I'm looking forward to it, though. I may even be able to expense the books for work! Hollerrrr!

Half-marathon training. I have a 5 month half-marathon training plan in place, to be finalized today. I think doing this marathon with College BFF and L is going to be amazing. San Diego for a weekend, rigorous exercise, followed by a weekend in Mexico. It doesn't get any better than that. I really hope I can hold myself to this because I think it would be amazing to say I completed a half-marathon, considering that I'm basically sedentary right now.

So yeah, that's my life!

just do it.

I was just thinking the other day how important music has been to me throughout my life. Not in the traditional sense - I mean, I've been to a grand whopping total of 2 concerts in my life and I never know any of the new tunes you young folks are listening to. Yet, I've always been crazy musical - started playing piano and violin when I was 5, then moved to saxophone in elementary school, followed by flute for high school and college. I can remember the lyrics to almost any song and my tastes are pretty eclectic.

More importantly, though, whenever I'm sad or depressed or confused, music is really the only thing that can pull me out of it. I think that's how I first fell in love with musical theater, because I could identify with so many of the lyrics and the characters. When you can barely articulate your own thoughts and you feel like no one understands or gets you, it's magical to hear a song that just puts all of those pent up feelings out there. There's nothing like it.

Lately, I've been in an odd mood - I feel like no one cares how I feel or what's going on in my life (well, not no one - some people have actually been really helpful - but in general). Lots of thoughts have been running through my head. I just want to do things. So I'm going to. I feel like I have this paralyzing fear of doing things alone or moving outside of my comfort zone and it needs to end. I can't sit around and wait for people to do what I want to do. Instead, I'm just going to make plans and if you wanna come, you can come, if you don't, you won't. Because what's the point of waiting around? If I can't find someone to go on vacation with me, I'll just go alone or maybe go with people I would've never thought to ask. That's how things get done. That's how I used to be. I don't know what's changed, but I need to revert back to being that girl I was in Tacoma, in DC, in SF - the one that didn't have any friends or any networks but built them because she had to. Yes, that's what I have to do.

waiting for my meds to sink in.

I'm in a much better mood this morning, oddly enough. I'm sicker than I was yesterday AND I also managed to snap my glasses in half this morning (word of advice, don't sleep with your glasses on your bed because you will break them), yet I'm strangely happy. Still haven't decided if I'm up for partying this evening due to the massive headache I have. It was probably stupid to have 3 glasses of wine last night. I wasn't drunk at all, but I have a feeling it didn't help my immune system.

In other news, I am going to try to stop being so gosh darn negative. TG is inspiring me to think that way. He's so ridiculously positive all of the time. I've very rarely seen him go into down-in-the-dumps mode, a state of mind which I seem to occupy more often than not. I want to start being more positive about my life and my prospects. I have an amazing life - I make a decent amount of money, I live in an apartment I love with amazing people, I have a good job. All things to be happy about. Even when they're not perfect. I've also been blessed with intelligence and scrappiness, two traits that I think can get me the things I want. It just takes some hard work, which I am more than capable of. I do believe you can create your own happiness out of nothing. I've done it before, so it is a little shocking to me that I haven't tried harder to do it now. I guess I keep thinking about what that happiness would entail and that's where I get stuck.

I really feel like I need a mentor right now. I'm not sure where to go about getting one. I want to connect with another black woman who can give me some advice about where I'm going and how I can get there. It feels silly and childish to me to ask for help, but sometimes you really need it. Right now, I think I need the wisdom of someone who has had more experience in their life, who can give me insight on where I can go from here. Yes, I think that's a very good idea.

I have a hunch that a lot of things are going to change for me in 2010 and I'm really excited about the prospects.

fun weekend in manhattan!

This has probably been the most active, social weekend I've had in a long time. I'm really taking this "putting myself out there" thing seriously. I spent Friday night at a bar in the East Village celebrating a high school friend's birthday. It was good to see the old high school crew again and try out a new bar. I'm actually starting to like the East Village, even though I could barely stand it when I lived there. What a difference a year makes. After the bar night, met up with A (another high school friend) and chilled at his apartment for a bit. We haven't seen each other in ages, so it was nice to catch up and get the updates on his life. I always forget how many connections I have in this city. I've found it really hard to keep up with everyone and I need to start putting more effort into those relationships because they really are important to me.

Saturday night was a lot of fun, even though I didn't really want to go out. I get so nervous when I go to parties for people that aren't in my immediate friend circle. Girl roomie took me to a party thrown by one of her a capella friends. I was kind of nervous about hanging out with a party solely comprised of Yale folk, since I didn't go there, but I really loved her friends and the party was great. I got to meet some new people and chat it up with some old friends (roomie is randomly friends with a girl who was my summer camp BFF as a child). I stayed pretty sober, so I didn't do anything stupid or hit on anyone inappropriately, so that's always a plus. After that, we headed to her cousin's b'day party at this club on the UES. While I definitely felt a little old at the club, I really love her cousin, she's such a great person and we had a fun time dancing around the club and drinking. I had what must have been the best Long Island Iced Tea I've ever tasted (note to self: learn how to make these) and got trashed while dancing my ass off. I haven't really had a night out like that in a while. It was exactly what I needed.

Next week is going to be busy - holiday party for work on Wednesday and then the PPNYC holiday party on Thursday, which means Monday and Tuesday will be spent doing last minute shopping, primping, and preparing. Lots to do!