i have messed up sleep habits.

God, why am I up at 4am?! I really need to reevaluate my life. There's so much that needs to get done this month I'm starting to feel extremely overwhelmed. Luckily, event shit is shaping up nicely and I think I'm in the homestretch as far as major work goes. I just need to survive the two events, clean my house, heal my foot, and plan a European adventure. No biggie =)

I really want to recalibrate myself on this trip. Get my sleeping habits in check and develop some healthy routines. I've felt so fucking drained by life lately. It'll be nice to just relax for a month and to have some time to myself. I've been feeling overwhelmed by everything and I need to just breathe.

Now, considering I slept for like 8 hours in the middle of the freaking day, I don't know how I'm going to get myself back on track...

file under "things that only happen to cj"

Last night, I came home from my psychic appointment ready to kick back and relax. I put on some Selena Gomez and start dancing. A few minutes later, I trip over one of my Toms and my whole foot collapses in on itself. Searing, burning pain. I sit down for a bit and it's okay. I get ready for bed and go to sleep. Wake up this morning and I can barely walk, after spending the night in extreme pain having weird dreams. UGH MY LIFE.

This morning was the doctor and X-Rays and shit. This is so not the time for this. I have an event that I'm leaving for on Friday and I'll be gone for a week. I come back needing to run crazy errands for my birthday party and then it's off to New York and Europe. Sigh. I need to do a lot of things. (A) Stop dancing to teeny bopper shit (B) clean my apartment of clutter (C) Stop drinking and dancing at night.

Maybe then I'll have the life I'm meant to lead. Oh well. Wish me a speedy recovery!

i am in love with spending weekends on a lake.

The past two weekends have been amazing - for Labor Day, I did Bass Lake and this past weekend was Tahoe. Bass Lake was so cute and the water was super warm. We got a pontoon and just floated along the lake, swimming and barbecuing and having a great time. It was a ton of fun and I drank enough alcohol to tranquilize a horse. I really love Life Coach, her bf, and their friends. I'm keeping silent on the SAM situation because there's nothing like someone telling you they can find your blog (and knowing that they can) to make you wanna be discreet. The short of it though - nothing major happened, just the usual ridiculousness.

I seriously fell in LOVE with Tahoe, though. It is beautiful and the lake is so huge! The water was really cold, which was a little disappointing, but laying on the beach felt nice (I got a little tan!) and I loved river rafting (even though I got ill and puked my brains out from drinking too much on the river). I really want to look into a time share or even buying a place there that I can escape to in the summer. I can totally see my future life - being a successful, independent entrepreneur. Working summers from the cabin and renting it out in the winter for ski season. It sounds delightful.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new goal!

i want to post, but...

... instead I'm probably going to run into the bathroom at work and cry lol. I feel overwhelmed with work and emotion and I just cannot handle anything. I'm in a really pissy mood that started this morning when the MUNI driver was getting passed by joggers. FML. I also have tried like 3 times to cancel on some stupid Negro dude who wants to meet to "talk about technology." He better either be ridiculously attractive or smart because I have too much work to do to deal with people who don't understand basic social cues. He's got 30 minutes. He's cutting into my gym time. I hope I never see him again because I know he's just going to ask me about a job and I have 0 interest in being helpful at this point. I'm debating just bursting into tears while I meet with him and that will convince him that he doesn't want to work here or deal with me ever again. Real talk.

Work is insanity. I feel so freaking overwhelmed and I'm ready to be done with this. I have two annoying events starting next week and then I'm free. I'm really looking forward to my birthday and then my month off of work. I can't wait to have nothing to do. I'm just in this IDGAF mood and I can't snap out of it.

I'll update about Bass Lake later - it was amazing and awesome! A new Labor Day tradition =)

vacation!

I am so freaking happy! Today is my last day at work before my four day weekend. I have a ton of random shit I need to get done, both at work and for the lake trip. I'm steadily going through my list, and I think I'll be able to really get shit done. I have a 2:30pm Brazilian appointment and a treatment in the evening, but hopefully I have time to shop and get some outfits before then. Shopping for this trip has been a struggle and I'm sure I'm not going to be as attractive as I want to, but I'll live. It's not like this boy has never seen me before and to be honest, I have this feeling that absolutely nothing is going to happen anyway. Except I'll probably do something to make a fool of myself, because that is my life. All day. Every day. #foreveralone

Tomorrow I have the day off and I plan on going to the Gold Club (a strip club in SF) for $5 fried chicken buffet lunch with AP! Cannot wait. Of course, this is only a reward if I actually clean and pack before tomorrow at 9:30am. Wish me luck! I swear - this will be the day that I don't leave packing to the last minute!

Happy Labor Day, ya'll!

looks like i'm going to be in SF...

I heard back from the rotation program this afternoon and I didn't get my choice. Part of me is sad about it, part of me thinks I should've applied for the Dublin Events role, even though I really have no desire to be in Dublin or do a job that I essentially already do. A larger part of me, though, is okay with it. I often try to stamp my emotions down or deny them, but I haven't really thought much about not getting it since I've found out. I feel at peace, which is weird for me. I believe in a higher power and that things do (and don't) happen for a reason. So I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be where I'm supposed to be.

That said. Holy shit. I have a European month-long adventure to plan! I'm so excited about the prospect of a vacation, but I'm also incredibly nervous about planning one. I've never really been abroad by myself and certainly not for 30 days. I hope I don't drive myself crazy, but I really, really want to do this, even though it's terrifying. I think it'll be good for me. Also, it means no work for 30 days. HOLLER.

Lastly, I'm kind of happy I'll be in SF for those two months. I have NO events (shocking, right?!), which means I can take some time to focus on me. Working out, eating better, living it up with my friends, and exploring some of my new interests (I'm thinking of taking a 6 week burlesque course AND I want to get into football/rugby this season). I love my life in SF and I'll get a chance to live it. Looking forward to seeing what comes down the pike!

losing my motivation.

I am so frustrated with life and work right now. I really need a vacation and a break. I also really need the freaking HR department at my job to let me know what my life is going to be for the next three months. Am I going to London? Am I not? I need to know!!! Seriously. I just want to be able to plan my life. I get antsy when I have too much uncertainty.

Life Coach sent me an email about a girl who quit working at my company to explore what she wanted to do, and I'm not going to lie, it sounded amazing. I know that this is just a phase and that it mostly is because I'm working on things that don't interest me, but I'm bored. I have two events I'm working on right now, but one of them I've done for 3 years and the other is kind of lame. I need a challenge! I'm ready to shake things up.

I guess I should be happy that I'm going away this Friday. I think the weekend is going to be really nice and I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of town and hanging out by a lake all weekend. Plus, I really like Life Coach, her bf, and their friends. It'll be cool to chill with them, drink all day, relax, and eat good food that I don't have to prepare. I just have to make it til then. God help me.

When I get back, I need to take a hard look at my career and what I want from it. Our team is going through some change right now and I think that it's the perfect time for me to reevaluate what I want and position myself to get it.

big ball of emotional weirdness.

I know my hormones are all out of whack (I have my period right now), but I just feel so full of craziness that it makes me want to SCREAM. My sleeping is a bit off, which is always true, but last night I stayed up watching She's Gotta Have It and wishing that there was a way for a woman to be fully in control of her sexuality without feeling punished for it. I just want what I want when I want it and how I want it. Is that too hard to ask?

What's on my mind? A lot of things. First off, I'm going away this weekend with Life Coach, her bf, her bf's brother and his girlfriend, a random single gay friend, and ... Secret Agent Man. So I'm stressing about that. Life Coach's bf is constantly trying to get us to have sex and as much as I want that to happen, my insecurities are making things difficult. I don't know if I think he's into me or if he's just being polite when he touches and flirts with me. I mean, he is smoking hot, he has a sexy job, and he has women throwing himself at him left and right. Why on earth would he want to hook up with me? I'm a gigantic awkward hot mess, in addition to being a complete nerd with self-esteem issues and the desire to lose like a thousand pounds. UGH. My life. So, there's planning for that. I need outfits that show off my chest and don't make my stomach/ass look too big. Problematic. Besides all of that, I need to not act crazy or weird, which is hard for me. I can already predict how this is going to go. I'm going to be drunk for four days straight and say things that are so inappropriate that I'm cringing just thinking about them. Stay tuned for Tuesday's update. It's going to be a doozy!

Also, Jersey Boy. I know how this goes. This is my usual pattern. Boy messages me on OKC. I think boy is not attractive, but he makes me laugh or I like some other part of his personality so I bite. Boy and I go on date. I charm his pants off and he pursues me wildly - daily texts, messages, emails, etc. I'm lukewarm about it, but embrace the attention.We sleep together. Boy is further enamored and keeps pursuing me because I'm amazing in bed (and so modest). Boy makes some gesture that smells like commitment to me. I act like a shady mofo and guy thinks I'm a ho. Boy steps off. I get more interested. Then I'm the one whose heart gets stomped on when I wasn't even initially interested in the first place. It's a problem. I just hate that he never contacts me anymore, but then will say stupid shit like "Why do you think I don't want to hang out with you?" I'm not even looking for relationship shit - I just want a guy to like booty call me every week. Oh well... this is where I'm at with him.

Lastly, I need to know if I'm going to London or not. Hopefully that happens this week.

Cannot wait for my life to settle itself because I'm a basketcase!

file under: things that only happen to CJ.

Jesus Lord. It has been a hell of a week. No lie. Let's see - this week I (a) initiated a booty call (b) got stuck in an elevator (c) discovered that I need to spend more time in Oakland and (d) got into a verbal altercation with a creepster at 2am at a friend's party. Shit was cray.

Wednesday night was a little bit of a shitshow. I went out with AP to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Yes, that's the name of a bar in SF. Yes, I know it's a Muppets reference. Welcome to the weird world of the Left Coast - it's a jungle of ridiculousness out here. They had $.25 wing night, so we went to eat cheap food and drink copious amounts of alcohol. After wings, tots, mozzie sticks, and 3 pitchers, I was DYING. Just to hammer that in, we had 3 pitchers of mixed drinks, not beer. One Moscow mule, two sweet tea vodka/lemonade. Ridick, but so much fun. "They're mostly ice, anyway," according to AP. I don't know about that, but we somehow powered through. It was a pretty fun time. The bar has an outdoor patio and there were actual ethnic people there instead of the usual all white SF scene. I even got hit on by the bouncer. Holla!

After all these drinks, I was feeling bold, so I texted Jersey Boy with some random bullshit about the Giants game. All of that turned into me mocking him for going to bed at 10:15pm and how he couldn't keep up with me. "Why don't you come over here and see how I keep up, wise guy." Normally, I would be coy and girly, but I've been in this NEED TO GET LAID mentality lately, so I called him on his bluff and told him that I would come over right away and see if he could stay awake. Naturally, he backpedaled, so I played the whiny "you never want to see me - just let me pick my shattered self-esteem off of the floor now and move on with my life" card. Yes, those are actual words I texted. I'm so ashamed of myself. Normally, I don't get down like that, but alcohol is one hell of a drug. He was like "Whoa whoa whoa. If you're okay with me being sleepy, then I'm all about hanging out." So for the first time ever, I make an executive decision with a man and decided that I wanted to come over so I went over.

Made it to his place, he buzzed me in, and then because I'm lazy, I got into the elevator to get to the 3rd floor. Whoops. Mistake. I get in, the doors close, I press 3 and nothing happens. Fuck me. I'm pressing every button there is and trying to get the door to open, but nothing is working. He texts me asking if I got lost, as it's been about 5 minutes since he buzzed me in. I tell him I'm stuck in the elevator and he doesn't believe me. Only me. Seriously, this shit only happens to me. Luckily, the cell still works, so he and I text back and forth for another 10 minutes trying different things to get the door open. Then he asks if there's a phone in the elevator and there is, so I dial the help number. Someone picks up and walks me through various steps to get out. None of them work. "Well, miss, I think you're going to have the pry the doors open yourself." I do this and then I'm free and Jersey Boy is waiting for me outside the elevator. He mocks me for both choosing to take the elevator and then for having superhuman strength to get the doors open and I'm mortified. I mean, first I browbeat this motherfucker to let me come see him when he's exhausted and in bed and then after an hour, I show up, break his elevator, and am a drunken mess. #thisiswhyi'msingle

We had a nice night, though. Cuddling and hooking up and him admiring my new havana twist hairstyle. Initially, he was hesitant about hooking up with me as he deemed me drunk and didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl. I was pretty convincing, though. I mean, basically a few denials of drunkenness and clever uses of my tongue and hands and he was like "welllll, I guess this is okay." Men are SO easy. I could get one off in my sleep. I stayed the night and it was pleasant. We got up the next morning and he waited with me for my ride like a gentleman and we said our goodbyes. No clue what's going on with him, though, and if I'll ever see him again. I don't know if I should have that come to Jesus chat with him about what we both want this to be. I think I'll just wait until after my Labor Day weekend trip. More on that to come...

uncomfortable truths.

In an effort to keep it real on this blog, I want to explore some "uncomfortable truths" - basically what I like to call all those things about myself that nag the shit of me and make me doubt myself. I think it'll be interesting (and informative and cathartic) to talk about some the things in my life that scare the shit out of me. So here goes the top 10 list:

1. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of a complete mental breakdown, and I'm almost certain I'll have one at some point in my life.
2. I spent a good 3 years cutting myself with razors for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me.
3. I am really moody and it fucking sucks.
4. I am deathly afraid of being alone.
5. I didn't kiss a boy until I was 21 years old and I'm afraid this has informed every sad misstep of my sexual and romantic life.
6. I am so afraid of confrontation that I'd rather hurt myself than to bring up my grievances with another person.
7. I have had some sexual encounters that make me ashamed as both a feminist and someone who is super invested in sex education.
8. Being black is both a blessing and a curse and there are days when I am just so angry at the world that I don't know if I can handle being around non-black people.
9. Sometimes I wonder if I have the ability to actually grow up.
10. At the end of the day, I can be completely selfish, narcissistic, and cold. I often wonder if this is why I am single.

There you have it. All Most of the stuff I dislike about myself or that keeps me up at night. It'll be interesting exploring these issues here. I also plan to make a list of amazing things about my life that excite me because I hate only focusing on the negative.